a short after thought

I was thinking about what I just wrote and I realize it sounds like I hate where I am or who I am. That is simply untrue. I think where I currently am is one of the most liberated states I have ever experienced. Sometimes when I reach rock bottom it's great, because there is no pain that can be greater. This leads to a kind of euphoria. Imagine laying at the bottom of a deep hole which you can never imagine a way of climbing out. You look up and see the most beautiful blue sky you could ever see. There are two ways to view that blue sky. You could resent it. How horrible that I cannot run and play on this beautiful day.

I for one prefer a different approach. I look at the beautiful world without as I am dying inside. I look around as I realize it may be the last time I get to. Further at last I can revel in the joyous notion that I could not be doing a thing better. What a terrible fate you healthy folk have. You have to make the best of what you have. You will always wonder if you are doing the best you can with what you have.

Yet I am singularly blessed. I cannot waste what little I have. The horrors I have been through have stripped away all guilt. All I can do is either address the pain that defines me, or observe the pleasures of a world that left me behind. You who experience them will never know how sweet they are by comparison. Your mouths are blinded by excessive sweets and your eyes are dulled by the wonders you take for granted.

One day death will come for you and you will not see it coming. You will suddenly realize that you did not cherish what you had while you had it. I speak to my metaphorical opposite, for I know no one so crass as to be completely ignorant of death. Yet few can count non being and death as familiar companions. Not many have withstood encounter after encounter with the abyss. This is my blessing. I choose to focus on that which I have and that which I am. I can't be anything or anyone else.

Progression of Evil

Disclaimer: This is likely to be a pretty dark post. It's not very pleasant to read these things at this time of year, but my crisis doesn't respect schedules. Skip it and read it later if you are likely to be disturbed by morbid and depressing musing over the contents of my soul.

I love a good metaphor, and I finally have one for my life. Hence the title.

A few years ago I was in a board game group and we played a game called Shadows over Camelot. The basic idea of the game was that you and your friends were a group of nights trying to complete various quests. In the easy version of the game the mechanics of the game itself were all that stood against you. In the normal and hard versions someone in your group was a traitor.

The interesting mechanic though was the Progression of Evil. What this meant that for every good thing you did, the game did something unpleasant back to you. It might be laying down cards you had to beat, or siege engines around the castle. The point was that you had to work together to fight the progression of evil.

I think it appeals to something in all of us to believe that there is some balance in the universe. I also think that it's a big pile of shit. There are times when fewer people are suffering than at others. There is also no direct causal link between doing good and allowing evil to bloom.

The thing that makes me think of this is being very sick. I haven't been this depressed before. The simple reason is that I see no up or out. I have gone to more interviews than I can count, and still no job. Worse still I cannot see myself returning to school due to my medical limitations. My only hope is God, and that's where things get complicated.

I believe 100% that God can do something, and even in fact anything. I also understand that he doesn't have to. Many good people get illnesses and die and it is not a sign of faith being lacking. I have to admit that this darkness that is slowly eating away at my will to fight to live is actually an illness. Not everyone recovers.

I suppose what I am saying is that with every day deeper into the abyss I come closer and closer to accepting the concept that this could kill me. I'm not sure if I want it to or not... I suppose it depends heavily on what kind of life I might live if I survive for a few more decades. I personally don't think what I want plays very heavily into it. As long as there are people I love and want to keep from hurting I will fight to stay alive.

Which brings me back to the progression of evil. The illness is clever and finds new ways to hurt and isolate me, not all of which I am equipped to reverse. Eventually if my pain exceeds my capacity to cope it will be the end of me. I'm thinking about it rather unemotionally at the moment. Simply as unavoidable as weather. You can bring a jacket and umbrella but if you get stuck for long enough in a blizzard you will freeze. If I exceed my capacity to cope, and remain there for long enough, I will die.

God for me has become a part of my much larger net of coping mechanisms. On that score I can say without a doubt he is quite amazing. Yet he has yet to completely negate the struggle. I'm trying to avoid talking about it, but  I worry that one day soon he won't be enough.

Here's the crazy part:
It's not lack of love or desire that are failing me. My love for God is as great or greater than my love for my family. His love for me is greater still. Yet I have been on this journey for 6 years. He's been right beside me. I've survived more than I thought I would. Yet being in this hopeless place again for the second time in a decade is almost more than I can bare.

Is there a future? I can't see it. I'm well aware my views are limited by how I think the world works, and I do not understand a great many things in that category. I'm only talking about my view of myself. I'm incredibly self aware. That awareness tells me that my resources are down, and we have no way to resupply. I'm about to be forced to go on the least fun encounter with hard drugs, which is the kind the doctors think can fix things.

To tell the truth there is only one glimmer I can see in my life. That glimmer is that if my view is correct I won't suffer for very much longer. If I don't pull up and out, then it's not much further down until I reach the end. I have to believe that if there is no comfort left for me in this world there is hope. That hope might just sound like the bleakest future to healthy people. Trust me when I say that this illness reaching it's natural conclusion is the only think it gives me to look forward to.

Reality, dreams, and sleepless nights

I haven't written in awhile, mostly because there isn't much to report. I vary from day to day from depression, anxiety, to hope and pushing back against it hard.

Lately my old dream keeps coming back. I can hardly get to sleep without visualizing living my dream. Yet it frightens me that chasing that emotionally sometimes begins to feel like I'm peeling away from reality. I have real reasons to be afraid from totally seperating from reality. It was that sort of thinking that got me in the hospital.

Yet that is the crux of the problem. Faith is about believing without seeing. Which is also what being paranoid, delusional and psychotic starts out as. I don't see any way forward for me on chasing that dream in my day to day life. Further there isn't much I want to chase in my day to day life. The things I long for cost more than I can pay. The things I can reach don't satisfy.

Tonight I tried to step out further on faith and give the dream back to God. Which is why I'm sitting up at 3:15 AM writing instead of sleeping so I can do stuff later. He's so frustratingly silent. Further a part of me worries that my experience of God is part of my illness. I've been sick for a long time. Worse is that since the hospital and my mental break I don't even trust my senses anymore.

It should be strictly hyperbole that seeking and waiting on God can drive a man crazy. Yet here I am, living proof that things like that happen. The part of me with faith (which won't die) says that it isn't seeking God that has driven me to this broken reality. It's the enemy and dark forces who oppose me trying to keep me from achieving joy in him.

As for my logical side I remain unsure. I have to grapple with the concept that until others see something I can't be sure something exists. Even then there are some mass delusions that bother me. I'm afraid of losing myself again.

I want to talk about how large this dream is. First it requires me being able to walk away from the house I live in, which is harder than it looks. Second it requires some way to move to the land I dream of. That likely involves quite a bit of money, a minimum of 1.5 million dollars. I don't have that kind of career money available to me. My family doesn't either. It has to be entirely God. Which is a strange place, feelings wise. I cry out to him pretty much nightly. I haven't heard him in some time..... What am I supposed to do?

It's like that They Might Be Giants song, Dead,
"Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,
or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do."

One thing I am sure of and that is that I'm doing enough as far as God is  concerned. I feel like my job in terms of his business is to survive this time period with some amount of faith intact. That's pretty easy as long as I don't blame him for my life as it is. Which for me means knowing that if he led me hear he has a purpose in this suffering. I guess that's all I have to say. One day all this will make sense. One day I'll know what God really plans for me.

Focusing on what is, not what isn't

I've reflected a little further on last night's depressive episode. I had to analyze my own envy, which is hard because envy in my mind is the greatest sin an intelligent man can commit. Envy that I find in myself is almost always a result of misreading how things are for others and assuming that provides information on how it might be for me.

More specifically I am bothered by the success of my ex wife. It bothers me that having done what she has done she can have the successes and rewards she has. I prayed pretty hard about it, because it made no sense to me how she could have more. The fact is that she doesn't. She has had about the same amount of minutes in her life as I have in mine (actually a year short of that), and she wanted and still wants things I don't.

It occurred to me that though it appears she is spiritually and emotionally fulfilled, my lack does not reflect her superiority. Here is the tricky bit: If I were to find myself in her shoes I would not find contentment. She found her bliss while younger because that is where her journey led. She has experienced many things I have not. Yet she will never experience some of the things I have. An apple cannot be compared with a mango. It doesn't work to say "This apple is green and therefor superior to the orange mango", or to say that one ripening faster, tasting sweeter, or making a better pastry reflects it's validity as a fruit.

My point is that I am on a journey, and I haven't come close to arriving yet. However I don't put that delay down as a failure. The problems I am unraveling are complex, and even if I don't succeed it will not make the attempt less worthwhile. I guess that is to say that I have faith. God can yet pull through. The future remains unwritten, and until the final breath is drawn we can make no judgement on the value of a life. Suppose we were to judge Einstein or FDR based on where they were at a younger age. FDR suffered massive setbacks, and had he let them stop him the world would be quite different today. I'm absolutely certain that many good or even great men have looked around at their peers and longed for complete peace that the average man finds.

Nothing beats experience. Further nothing in the long run beats faith. Even if I die with no achievements, children, or impact the faith I had remains. Assuming there is something beyond this life, that's what counts. God does not care what is in the bank, what is parked in the driveway, or the house you lay your head down in. He cares for the heart. In the balance sheet of the heart I remain far better off than I might be. I cannot see into other people's hearts, it isn't my place. My place is to be the best me I can. Which is rather cliched.

Who knows what is around the corner? A better life or the peace of death? Further agony? God knows. I'm fairly certain that I don't know what it is.

Focus defines reality. If I cannot focus on victory, I must focus on peace. If I can't focus on peace, I will focus on God. If I can't focus on God, then I will cry out until he allows me what meager peace I have today, when I affirm once again: I belong to him, my life is not my own. If I had my way I'd be dead already. He is the shepherd, and he is responsible for where he leads me. He alone knows if my life is worthy or wasted. Someday I hope he'll let me in on it.

Yet here I am

It's time to come to terms with that I'm losing...... got rejected for a job I wanted, constantly seeking health and not coming close..... I guess I just.... had faith for more.

I thought God would be here with me. I thought that all the pain I was going through was going to pay off, that He would take care of me, take me out of obscure suffering and into a place of.... I don't know. The thing is that having faith is all about trusting God to have a better plan, trying to let go of self focus..... I know that I'm not doing very well at letting go of self focus right now..... The pain is just worse than it has been recently.... I had been detaching from the mess my life is.

Apart from whatever hope remains that God isn't done with me.... I have nothing to look forward to. If I had a gun right now I would end it. It's not about self pity, or even depression, it's just being done. He is so far from me, so vacant in my life. I am aware I'm not seeking him lately. What am I supposed to do? I sleep more than I'm awake, and honestly when I'm awake I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'm looking for work, playing games, eating and smoking. I didn't stop having faith, I just have begun to lose hope.

My best hope is that I'm totally wrong. How I long to be wrong about what the world is. He may yet redeem this mess he's led me into. I will admit it is less of a miracle than what I know he already has done. How long I cry into the night, screaming at the abyss. Next to being wrong, the abyss of nothingness is the next best option. That being my overall impression that beyond the surface of mental and physical activity there is a great void. When I cease to breath I could embrace it, itl yet be as if I had never lived. There is no proof of life after death, apart from the word of the church and the general hints from God through scripture. God's never personally talked to me about it, though I think that has equal amounts to do with how he knows I long for death. He doesn't need to make it more appealing. Afterlife or not, I'm approaching death at maximum speed.

I just have a need, a need I really needed God to fill. That need is for hope, a future. I need somewhere to go. I'm on a long journey with no destination, apart from death. I'm fully aware that it's not a physical need to be psychologically complete. Plenty of people function without a higher destiny. I keep feeling like people around me are telling me that is the path to peace. I've tried so hard to go that way. I tried so hard to be happy at Heath. I actually succeeded more than I thought I would, to the point that I miss it now.

I need more. I need what only a power greater than me can provide. *sigh* Worse yet is that if tomorrow I were to ask for help from my family, we'd go find a therapist (or one I've already met).... and we'd start the same set of talks. The therapist asks me to describe my feelings. Then I describe them. They propose a different way of looking at life that amounts to basic focus on what is good. Eventually I relent, because I so badly want to believe that will be enough, and they say I'm nice and healthy. I am good at giving others what they want from me. I'm just not good at providing for myself. Christianity seems to imply that I'm not supposed to be good at filling my own needs.... Yet I have searched for God, I have asked for what I am missing. He has yet to provide that. Maybe he can provide oblivion, if life and completion aren't in his plan.

progress is slow, if it exists at all

I'm going to see the new therapist in a few hours, and to be honest that's one of the only reasons I'm writing. As dark as things are at the moment there is serious doubt that a future self will exist to read what I'm writing. Yet I seem currently incapable of death, and there are other things to talk about.

One is that the bank that holds my mortgage decided to jack up the payments by 20% this year. I am now for the first time paying more than my parents do for a house twice the size of mine, and on two incomes. I'm told this isn't currently my concern, but it delays my recovery. It's hard to come to a place where I believe things will get better when they are getting worse. It's hard to not feel like a victim when I have been attacked.

I don't want it to sound like I'm ungrateful. It's quite nice that everyone is supporting me so well, and it is what is currently keeping me unsuicidal (that, coffee, tobacco and meds). I feel more like I'm delaying the inevitable.

What am I sticking around for? I'm really just waiting to be the last to die. Given my self destructive nature I doubt I'll manage that. I cannot stand or come to grips with the concept of leaving my loved ones to deal with my death. Yet the fact is I'm surprised the pain has not yet overwhelmed my ability to feel empathy. Until that happens I'm stuck here.

Nothing else to report.

just.... worse

I'm only writing now because of a generalized sense of guilt over not writing for two days.

I'm not feeling well, if anything it's worse now than it was. I am now given three choices: To talk about it and sink deeper, to try to avoid talking about it and type on, and finally to not say a thing more. However a four line post does not really constitute therapy.

I'm suicidal, entering the phase where my brain tries to come up with an idea for how to kill myself. I have a plan for fighting this, broken into stages:
Stage one: Get more serious about taking my meds, avoid sedatives, start drinking coffee tomorrow.
Stage two: Passing the time period in which my meds should kick in, I begin smoking again.
Stage three: check myself into a hospital.

I have already alerted my family of the urgency of the present situation, and of this plan. I've given them plenty of time to try and solve it, in their way. Of course the problem is that all of my solutions are chemical..... But that is what it is.

I really try to remain peaceful after dark, as midnight approaches I must return to the things that bring me a measure of peace:

The complete void that is the universe. It seems counter intuitive, but the most calming thing I find is to think about how little anything means. Stating things as less than statements. One being less than two. The most peaceful is less than zero, less than nothing at all. Focus on the darkness that surrounds me.

Occasionally I do seem to like thinking about horror stories. It amuses me that I once feared these things, I have no idea why they comfort me now. I suppose it is somewhat uplifting to think of how it could be worse.

the new push

I met a new doctor yesterday, the kind that listens not the kind with pills. Anyway, the net result of our conversation is that I have been asked to write daily as treatment for my illness. I was more enthusiastic at the time I agreed to this, he's a good listener and talker.

Today wasn't particularly.... I don't want to talk about it, but I will anyway.

Had someone knock on my door and offer to mow the lawn.... A little background, my lawn has been overgrown for about a week.. or two. I don't pay TONS of attention to it. It really doesn't matter apart from strangers wandering in and telling me to mow it. Eventually someone complains to the city, or mows it while I'm not looking (which is nearly all the time), but what the heck? Anyway this is somewhere around the 10th time someone has offered to mow it (offer being a subjective word for somewhere between guilt trip and asking for money). It's been hot, for one, two I have been forced to do something almost every day this week. I don't get that for free, I have to push out every one of these.

So I set out to mow the lawn. Somewhere around a third of the way through it  I was borderline suicidal/homicidal about the whole thing. It used to not be a big deal. I can understand how to anyone else this seems like "no big deal". I wish it was just laziness, that I was understating how horrible I feel every time I push myself for someone else's mission.

It second only to how bad I feel actually saying anything about it. I would much rather allow it to pass, or slowly fester into part of my general distaste for humanity.

I will say  that part of the mistake was queuing up my "worship/god focus" playlist. I have been avoiding blaming God for this whole situation. I don't know who or what IS to blame... I suppose no one has to be, it would be nice if someone other than me felt like stepping up. My point is that I have been blaming myself. If I have the qualities that others have ascribed to me: intelligent, self aware, etc. then I have no-one but myself to blame for the mess I'm in. I have every right to try to kill the person wrecking my life, that person being me.

Yet I must come back to a separate point: I prayed specifically about the future, I believed in that future because of faith. I could say faith led me here. I could say that and it would be it's own kind of true.

See I don't worship faith. At the moment, in the location of desolation I am I consider myself free from the compulsion of worship. It still occurs to me that God could.... allow my general suffering and failure to lessen or even stop. He could put people in my life that lead me out of the desert. Proverbial desert, I have water at my beck and call. He has not, for his own reasons he doesn't want my suffering to stop at the moment. Which should make me distant from God. Yet that is not so. I am as close to dead as the world will allow me to be. I'm trying to get there, not very fast mind you. the balance of odds is that I will someday die, and given my 6 year track record it's more likely than not that I'll be happy to greet death when it gets here. God has nothing to do with it. Sometimes people die, and often enough it's because of lingering disease. Depression (or bipolar) is an illness... that tends to kill those with it. Some get there faster than others. I could write another couple pages on my envy of the dead and dying. However the point is made: misery.

*shrug*That's life. It sucks until it doesn't. I can't get too attached to anything, it's as likely as not to be gone tomorrow. I just move on, adapt, try to make the best of what I've got. For now I'm going to finish my game for the day, go start reading Children of the Mind for the first time (or perhaps some Lovecraft), then pass out.

Grocery shopping comes early.

still further yet to travel, the road ahead

Came to another crisis point today. Which just highlighted how poorly I have let go, how poor I am at trust. I just couldn't even figure it out.

The problem is that I long to function highly. Deeply, I long to exercise often, work until I'm dog tired, run myself ragged and come back for more. Yet beneath all of that is the lurking fear. Fear that I might lose myself again. Fear that I want to lose myself. That my self destructive impulses might take my sanity away, again. With it would go my freedom.

So I try to recede, sleep and accept my powerlessness. Yet it is so hard to trust, so hard to wait. Day after day I push ahead, trying new things, trying not to let my loved ones down.

I don't see the way out, because it isn't time yet. I still believe in that light at the end of the tunnel, I'm still breathing so it's not over yet. God can  still work his wonders. I'm just being taught patience in a very painful way.

my line in the sand

I've been trying as hard as I can, yet it feels like it can never be enough. The deck looks stacked in a certain way, why did I pick up the cards?

I thought I could win. I thought my confidence and power would last. I thought I was smart enough, strong enough, or maybe correct enough.

But this is my line in the sand. You can take away everything I have left. You can't have me. I'll get away. It seems like I'm fated to survive this.

I'm washing away, letting all my cares go. Wondering why they seemed to matter so, why is it hard to let go?

Maybe I don't know. Maybe I won't win. But then again winning is walking away to fight again. Today's a new day. I'll survive this too.

One day I'll understand. I'm sorry I didn't plan good enough to fall and rise again. Sometimes there is not enough.

I gave it all up. It's not mine anymore. You can't steal from a man who willingly gives it all away. Talk to God. I'm his and so is this stuff. I don't have to be enough.

Tomorrow will come. Justice will win. I don't have to make it so. God is faithful.

Trusting beyond my ability. Lusting for more than this world can give. Letting my lack be a lesson. Letting go.

This is my line in the sand, and the tide is coming in. It will wash away the filth and disease. Leaving just me.

Hopeless

I'm not one to subscribe to the things my depression tells me. I really try to hold onto some sense of hope and faith that I believe has helped me me get this far.

Which is why when I woke up this morning after another in a long line of bad nights of sleep believing the doctor would make things better, I was on my last hope in the "real world".

She did not seem to agree. I was told I need to pull myself back together. She did give me some new meds and instructions, which I will follow because the drugs are good and the instructions are to work out. I like working out.... it's like telling a kid to eat candy.

She said I likely won't be getting medicated for my ADD any time soon. Which to me means I won't be high functioning... it is what it is. I could rebel and abuse drugs, or I can obey. Since my family wants me to obey, and in my depressed state they're all that matters, I will obey. I'm also a horrible liar... probably one of the reasons I haven't succeeded as much as I wanted to.

I'm dealing with philosophical/spiritual issues of hopelessness. I have no idea if the dreams I had were delusions or not. At the moment they seem more like delusions. Yet following (and loving) God is a delusion if you approach it from a pragmatic/logical view. It's supposed to be. Maybe that's part of it's power. In the study of human potential I've lost track of people doing things simply because no one told them that they couldn't.

Yet... it's just another thing to give God. I have to give him back the vision I thought he gave me. Because he has done nothing to develop that vision into reality in my life. I don't deny he can do it. Guess what: He doesn't have depression or the same limitations I have. God knows (literally) what he can do. One day I'd like to know.

I was happy, for a brief moment, despite the absurd problems of my life. That was nice. Maybe someday I'll feel okay again. Not today though. Nope.

still trying to return to reality

My doctor has taken me off the drugs which allowed me to function on the level that I did. Further I'm lacking on help right now. So from day to day it appears I am alive. However at the moment I'm pretty depressed (chemically). My spirit fights on and if I fail to return to the functioning I was at, I'll find it in total oppressive sobriety. I will get stronger, because that's kind of what I do.

That's my update. The fact that I wrote a positive update on this nonproductive mindset shows that you can't crush hope. It's still there, stronger than ever.

Maslow 2 ‘I was awfully curious to find out why I didn’t go insane’

‘I was awfully curious to find out why I didn’t go insane’

Maslow seems to think he wasn't insane. If he was not insane then what am I? At times I do lose grip on the world around me, yet I never doubt myself entirely, or lose all grip on where I have been.

They say I lost it. I'm not one to disagree, but I'm not dead. As long as air passes these lips, I exist. As long as I like a good pipe at the end of a rough ordeal, I am Max. From the proof of me caring about other's feelings, I have empathy.

Fear however is not a vital ingredient. Caution is.

Evil is not necessary either. Judgement of myself when I can bare to judge is the closest I may come.

Worry is dead. It won't be missed.

In fact I find myself quite sane, despite what others may say. Time and patience will prove the words true or false. If I am wrong then I will develop my arguments better next oppertunity. If I am right then I will have the joy of living in the truth.

looking ahead, looking behind

Sorry in advance for sparseness of updates.

Spent some time in the hospital, *shudder* never wanted those words to pass my lips. Ugh, the meds are terrible, the only thing more terrible is how shameful I feel over the whole incident. Yes, Max feels shameful for the 1st time in his life. Mark your calendars, since it's NEVER going to happen again. Not as long as I live.

That's the news for today. Not working anywhere exactly, more pacing and waiting for the world to be ready. When you have done all you can to stand, stand.

Yes, in fact I do have a reason for being AFK for 7-10 days

So... yeah, that happened. That referring to my long forced absence from anything social.

I was not well, I had to submit myself to medical help. It was not easy. I wouldn't go there again had I the choice. Yet... I cannot say what the future may hold. Maybe we're free. Perhaps it is the dawning of a new era.

Then again, who am I? Just a tired guy who wishes he could find any neverending source of peace.

One day at a time. One step at a time. We will get through the other end of my recovery together. If you compulsively need details... you know how to find me.

I got so close to what I thought was a way out I forgot to look where I was going. Next thing you know I'm negotiating harder than I ever have for my life and freedom.

Sincerely,

Max

How to contact me

First off there is email:
max.h.malcolm@gmail.com

That is the first line of getting ahold of me. I check it 1-3 times a day, and it is hot-linked to my mobile. You can email me 24/7

Which brings me to my personal phone. At the moment I am only running the single line. That being the case and as it is my work phone, it's available by request.
If you need to get me on the line quickly email me with Phone emergency in the subject. Put the reason you need to talk to me right away in the body and if you need me to get right to you then include where you can be reached, and your name of course.

Here are the general rules for my personal phone:
If in doubt about timing, text first.
If my phone rings without a text I will assume it's an emergency.
Here are the phone hours and time specific rules:
Monday-Saturday Midnight to 6 PM: Work/occupied hours. Text if you need help soon, but know I won't drop everything that moment. Call if it is an emergency. Keep conversations short.
All other times: Text if you can chat whenever, call if you need an answer on a timetable or if I have told you to call.
Abuse of the system will result in your number being blocked and returning to the email system for a month. Then you'll have to remind me to unblock you. I don't want to do any of that. This is on the honor system, so if we all play by the rules then it will work.
To be clear this is a clean number, and I don't even have the need to install blocking software. I will not be friendly at all to the person that makes it necessary. I will of course forgive, but you can expect me to be more ticked than normal if you are the first.

Thank you for reading,
Max

Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

Ralph: That about sums it up for me.

Dream Quest:Normandy

How much do you know about history?

I'm going to assume none, and even if you do know about history you may not know an excessive amount about philosophy and motivation psychology. Since all three are required to explain my decisions, I will continue. It should be noted I am not what I would call an expert on any of this.

A moderate amount of time ago there was a major war that almost everyone has romanticized the hell out of. I'm talking about World War 2. I'm not going to delve into the horrors that would destroy your romantic vision of the second great war because it would be counterproductive to explaining my historical basis for my decision.

In World War 2 the continental European powers had no choice in involving themselves in the war. I have always seen myself more as England in this analogy. For the last decade like England I have been repelling invaders from my shores. Yet like the Allies in general defense is just a short term solution.

In the present:
I have been made aware that my direct actions do not always line up with long term goals. In fact my long term goal being freedom from the money trap, why do I have to go deeper into it.

Which is where the parallel with Normandy appears.

See at Normandy the combined allied forces (USA and UK) combined their forces for a massive counter strike. At stake was the free world. In essence the problem was that Hitler had demonstrated that he would not stop grabbing land until he died. Of course multiple attempts were made to hurry that decision along for him. In the end however it would appear the only way to defeat Hitler is to make him feel helpless. In that cases he will solve the problem of his legacy himself.

I would like to point out that I understand Hitler if only on the grounds that like him I have a vision that I feel I will stop at nothing to bring to the fore. The difference of course is that I have limiting factors to prevent me from going off the rails and just eliminating those who I don't care for. I still have that German style problem solving, yet like German auto makers I have to learn to play by the rules.

So the problem is that I despise capitalism in general and money specifically. It should be noted that I understand perfectly their function in modern society. In our post modern philosophical environment the strong man approach doesn't work since strong men can just be murdered. Ideas are much harder to kill. Hence we have elected the idea of wealth as ruler of our land. It's a stupid idea because it says that those who possess more are ipso facto superior. They are obviously not that way.

Yet like Normandy I must play by the arbitrary rules of engagement and engage the enemy on his soil. I have strong allies. This current quest for capital to purchase a better life for my family and I is not intended to be long term. It isn't just a capital quest either, I am on a knowledge and skills quest as well. These combined facts will increase my earning power and in the long term help me free myself to only have to earn money a few months a year.

That is a part of my dream by the by: to be able to work minimally and receive satisfactory results so that I can spend more time with those I care about. One of those I care about is myself. That's a notable fact.

So onward into the breach. It is a terrible and messy way to go about things. It is also a place I can go and theoretically get what needs to be done completed. If not in this battle, then one step closer.

Rereading my past work and how it reflects on the present

Have I mentioned lately how fully I came into understanding of myself?
Yet there is still a huge area for improvement. I found it by rereading my early blog posts.

In the beginning I used this blog as I should: as an analytical tool. It matters not what is read or not read. I shouldn't care a bit how many page views I get.

So, that being said, here is where I am:

Stressed but walking on water. What do I mean by that? I mean to say that I have the faith that God will do what he needs to. Right now.... I haven't a clue. In the past that has been a point of contention between God and myself. It is no longer as large a point of contention. Knowledge itself is not evil, however the wrong knowledge at the wrong time can destroy as efficiently as a lie. Whatever it is I don't know it is essential I don't know it to proceed with the correct attitude into the next stage.

I of course long for times of peace, but they lay on the other side of times of strife. Strife itself isn't evil, and this distinction also eluded me for years. Things being hard are part of the noble nature of existence. If it was easy.... how could we ever create grand schemes and astounding solutions? Astounding solutions require astounding problems.
We would never have cured Polio if there had never been a Polio. Which isn't to say the world needs Polio. It is to say that society used Polio to revitalize itself. Same thing in every great war a country has ever fought.

The tiring thing is doing this all without anger. When I do feel anger it is at evil, not people. I hate the fear that has prevented our country from moving on. I hate the complacency that led previous generations to slack in their duty of teaching the next. I hate being one man, with one mouth and only two hands.


Yet of all these obstacles and frustrations the Lord is aware. I cannot say how he will answer. However in this I am sure: He will answer.


My mouth will go dry lifting my joys and sorrows to him before he abandons me, and even then he will walk with me. My limbs can lock, my muscles cramp and I may suffer all manner of challenges, yet he dwells in me. He dwells in the truth and wisdom I know, not just in my brain but in my very muscles.

Today we must thank him. Every day, I have to thank him. Not because he needs validation and not because of magical thinking. I must thank him for myself, for my eyes to see the beauty he has put in this world. I must thank him for this challenge. How awesome is it that he thinks me up to this resistance?

God does give you more than you can handle. He does it every day if you let him. He does it because he wants us to deal with things using his strength. Sometimes he needs us weak so that we can lay back on his strength. He is so very strong. I am so very hard to kill. 

back to the road

I have finally relented to the pressure and am allowing myself to be sucked into the next adventure. It's not so much that I want to go.... I just don't want to settle here. We're still in the gathering phase of our harvest. It's going to be a very busy project, because they have some serious needs.

I've never been afraid of hard work. I will however have to put it out there that there is a line. I won't call in if I can possibly help it. If I am sick I'm going to try to recover. Family is important, but I am in a time period of my life where taking care of my family means riding myself harder than I would care to.

I'm praying for wisdom and courage as I master another skill and put in my time in grade on another notch in my belt.

A note on the political figure of which I have yet to speak

I think some attention must be paid to the elephant in the room, by which I mean the current Republican front runner. I do not care for the man. I didn't care for him when I bought a crappy tie from his collection a few years ago. I didn't care for him when he was on network television. I didn't care for him when he was a so called success yet no one could point to a positive thing he had done. In short I have been aware of said man for nigh on two decades and not once have I found it within me to care.

I am aware he is running for the highest office in the land. That is unfortunate. However the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. Those of you who violently dislike the man will have to come to terms with that. It is my personal belief that the only way to combat his nonsense is to pay no attention to the useless man-child.

If he becomes president I will call him the president. I will avoid referring to his name in public, not because I am afraid of him, just because he doesn't deserve publicity. I would like to believe that I live in a country smart enough not to elect such a silly person to the presidency.

As a final note I would be joining the cheers if anything at all removed him from the presidential race. I would not object to something unfortunate happening to this individual that would not only impede him from running, but impede his further ability to function normally.

Why do I feel this way? The reason is that he appears to thrive on people hating him. If he were attacked for that reason he would be asking for it. I only think it unfortunate that we live in a time period where a kangaroo court or a witch trial is an unrealistic possibility because I can say with some accuracy that said person would likely be found to be a witch. Which is not to run down Wicca or people in the spiritual practices associated with the word witch. It is to say that public distaste for this man is at the point that could we put him on trial he would be instantly guilty.

That's one to grow on.

Priorities

I was going to write today, I wanted to write today. Frankly, more important things came up. I know, you'd think being a philosopher/writer that laying down my truth and searching for the truth would be most important.

It isn't.

Being the truth and living the truth are more important.

Because the truth is I'm still fighting. I want to be at peace and writing. I want to be in the season of plenty as in plenty of rest. I'm in the season of plenty of challenges. I'm taking my time finding my way through because if it's worth doing it is worth doing correctly.

Long story short (late): I love you guys, and if you could pray that the time of plenty and support would come soon I would be able to minister more. Heck if I actually got comments I would be able to tailor my ministry more. That's the honest from the gut facts of my life. I know I don't innately deserve a larger ministry than I have, but I have to tend my flock here before I tend the larger flock.

Which makes it sound like I have some big important ministry here. It's really 4-5 people whom I love very much and who love me. In the end that's all that matters. Recognition and success are great, but meaningless if the inner life doesn't support them.

Today is just another day, another day to live and another day to wait for the season to end.

Good morning!

Today is going to be amazing. I'm sorry that there wasn't time yesterday to fit in a Maslow moment. There's nothing to worry about as I am already thinking about my topic for today. I haven't forgotten.
Things are progressing well here at the Malcolm compound. We're cleaning, gardening and hustling for work.

A quick word about gardening:

For 15 years I forgot the wonder and magic of gardening. I grew up watching my mother and grandma garden. It was always a place of peace and joy for me. I particularly loved growing things that could be eaten. Yet adult life got in the way (as it often does) and  I forgot how much I love plants and to garden.

 Now I'm revamping the garden on this house I've been in for 6 years. The work that was done to it before I bought it is still very much clear. Also my compost heap I've been tending for 6 years is still a resource. I'm being given plants by neighbors. It is just a wonderful way for me to share the blessings of God with those around me.

Don't be overly anxious for me.

Guys, just so you know there is absolutely nothing to worry about in my department. I have some very promising leads that I am following up on. Further I keep finding odd jobs to fill the gap.

Yes, we are unemployed. However we are not helpless. I am applying the same energy I was applying to working to continue to provide for my family. I'm well educated, I have strong job skills and experience. If I don't follow up on an opportunity right this second it's because I'm getting so many opportunities. We are hungry, but it's a deeper hunger, a hunger for life which can only be satisfied by living life to the full.

Things are going to be okay. If I sound frantic during the day it's because I can't slow down. For over a year I have been giving my all to my work. Don't ask me to stop, this is a good thing.

If you are curious: Yes, I have changed. I decided to stop letting circumstances define me and to start defining my circumstances. I'm done being told to be scared of what can't hurt me. God is providing for me, he has always been providing for me. I have a 7 day project ahead managing and organizing his blessings for the last 6 years. He never stops, so now neither do I.

Let me bless you. Give me work if you got it, pay what you can, blessing you is my reward. I'm just not frightened anymore. I'm alive and that's enough for me.

‘What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization’ Maslow part 1

Today we lay the foundation of everything Maslow has to teach us.

For those of you who don't know Maslow let me explain his ethos. There are a number of approaches to the human mind and treating the sick. Maslow and a man named Rogers began what is known as the Fourth Movement of psychology. They began it almost 50 years ago, yet it still hasn't made inroads very far into therapy. Maslow learned all he could about psychology as it was at the time he came to the field, then attempted to improve.

Like many solutions his was simple and complex at the same time. His solution was to approach sickness not by seeking out the causes, but by motivating humans towards health. This in my opinion is the gold standard of philosophy: don't criticize others, be better, if you are better it will shine above.

Anyway on to the quote:
‘What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization’

Oh how long I have struggled with his concept of self actualization. I first read about it 4 years ago and have been trying to solve the puzzle that long. I want to try to shorten the time for others.

Self actualization is being all you can be. Did you ever see a really fantastic baseball player? They don't hit EVERY ball, but the ones they don't hit don't bother them. It's called being "in the zone". Christians call it a "mountaintop moment".

Maslow was revolutionary in approaching these brief beautiful moments scientifically. He was a great scientist. I am not, I am a philosopher. More to the shunning and disdain of my academic friends I am a practical philosopher. Most times that bothers people, however in this case I am perfectly in my element. See, even at this moment I am becoming more actualized.

To be actualized fully means to be all you can be (and yes I'm aware that my american audience may roll their eyes at that phrase). There is a great peace to be had in understanding that you are what you are. It means that these mountaintop moments and being in the zone eventually never end. That was his dream, and mine as well.

A final note of the primary flaw in this quote, it's limited nature. Never forget that not only can a person only be all they can be, the same applies to objects. This is why an object will always ultimately fail as an object of worship. Though an object appreciates the attention you give it, and may give rewards (for all good things have rewards to give), when you start treating it as more than it can be you hurt it and yourself. An object cannot love you, only a human can. I am but one human and if you were patient enough to read this far and understand even a portion I love you all the more.

Please share comments, critique, concerns in the comments. If you have something personal to ask then you can email me at max.malcolm@outlook.com. I can't promise the answer you want, but I will answer as long as I have breath and ability. If I ever get backed up this blog is the place to watch. Check the most recent post, if it's more than a month old I'm away from my desk.

Self Challenge/new series intro

Abraham Maslow and Kurt Vonnegut made me who I am today. Kurt taught me sadness, Abraham taught me peace. I could go deep into their biographies, but I want to set off my new life by writing short pieces about wisdom from each man. Our first series will be:

Great Quotes by Maslow, explained and explored

Here is a summary of our topics:
1. ‘What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization’


2. ‘I was awfully curious to find out why I didn’t go insane’


3. ‘If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail’


4. ‘We may define therapy as a search for value’


5. ‘A first-rate soup is more creative than a second-rate painting’

6. ‘Dispassionate objectivity is itself a passion, for the real and for the truth’


7. ‘The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short’


8. ‘What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself’


9. ‘It isn’t normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement’


10. ‘The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness’


11. ‘Be independent of the good opinion of other people’


12. ‘We fear to know the fearsome and unsavoury aspects of ourselves, but we fear even more to know the godlike in ourselves’


13. ‘If I were dropped out of a plane into the ocean and told the nearest land was a thousand miles away, I’d still swim. And I’d despise the one who gave up.’


14. ‘If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.’


15. ‘A poet must write if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself’


I would talk more here, but I am excited to bite into our first topic. See you next post.

The well must work harder to write

It is no small thing that some of the greatest writers have been deeply troubled. The troubled man must fight like an animal to escape whatever he's running from. See I used to think it mattered what he is running from, it does not.

Ah so many years searching, and now I have found what I was looking for. This is the truth, and I could tell it to you and it would make no sense if you are within the machine. Here is the basic truth of the universe:

Nothing can innately be any more or any less than what it is. An object is an object. A person is a person. Size is meaningless, small objects can be more important than large when they are needed. Needing is the force on which it all runs. Are you hungry? Eat! The food is there, you just haven't learned to ask.

This is the truth. It is both simple and metaphorical. Let he who has ears hear.

I meditated for 10+ years trying to understand the basic machine code of the universe. There IS a grand unifying truth that ties it all together. I was just made in such a way that it bothered the living crap out of me. I mean that literally, in that the bullshit which the world and society kept trying to pour in kept being bothered right back out. I kept on going with the knowledge that what is good must come from what is good, and what is evil (that is damaging) must come from those who are innately wrong. In the end I boiled away all the doubletalk and the magical thinking and found out that fear and those who support it are the true enemy.

In the end there is nothing to fear, not even fear. Anything that frightens you has been introduced by someone more frightened than you. Eventually even THAT path leads to the truth. Because eventually you will be so burnt out on being afraid that you crave once again simple truth.

I am blessed today because I can love my fellow being again without reservations. I am still forced to draw lines and be stronger.

The day I can write more of this truth is coming still yet. The truth must be told, and may I be blessed enough to have it on my lips and in my words. Words are the rudder that turns mankind.

So tired

I'm talking about soul tired.... somewhere in this universe a God who loves me exists... every now and then it would be awfully nice for him to take more of an interest in me... my needs... my life.... honestly if he doesn't want to bother with me it would be a more efficient use of both our times if he'd let me die.... but that's his job. Mine is to do my job. Some days that isn't enough. I'm not.... I don't know; I lack some essential element. If God is doing his job, and everyone else is doing their job... the blame has to fall on someone. It must be me. I must be missing a key element. God help me.(both as a 3 word totally adequate prayer and a statement.)

Video to start your day: First Mystery Science Theater Theme

This one was always my favorite for this line:
"Joel says when you got lemons you make lemonade."

Kind of lines up with the essential philosophy of my life: Other people can be full of crap all they want, if you make the best of it you still get to win.

Think about it, after being betrayed by the boss Joel still has a smile on his face. He builds robots and makes fun of movies, thus creating one of the best series ever. He turns bad movies into comedy. There's always a bright side, here's hoping we can be as adept at finding it as Joel. Cheers.

quote of the day #2

Today is one my own:
"God created a world with capricious and dishonest people/companies. God created a world with coffee and tobacco. So you see, for every slimy unpleasant thing in this world there is a counterbalance." Max Malcolm, February 28 2016

Bait and switch

Normally I'd be elliptical and evasive about the crap that's happening to me, but fuck that. If you respect me so little as to change your story every 18 hours I no longer have the respect to not call your crap out. This company flat out lied to me. They said I needed to be ready to make major sacrifices to obtain minor gains and being me I accepted it: Turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39), forgive your brother (Matthew 18:22), Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's (Mark 12:17, Matthew 21:22)
Or to go to philosophical sources: Strange travel plans are dancing lessons from God and Bokonon's method for handling Caesar (his paraphrase of the last two verses): Bokonon’s paraphrase was this:
“Pay no attention to Caesar. Caesar doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s really going on.”
Both are quotes from Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut (1963).

The point being that I did not resist the bullcrap, I began to adapt to attempt to thrive under their tyranny. That is the biblical/christian approach to the problem as far as I can tell. Then, after I had it all figured out they pulled the rug out from under me. Pulled out the challenge, reward, and whole ball of wax. This is the central flaw of the capitalist relationship between the worker and conglomerate. The conglomerate takes minimal risk (to itself) and reaps ample profits whether the risk pays or not. The individual is forced to absorb the actual liability of the risk that the conglomerate bought into without sufficient knowledge of the nature of said risk to assess whether the rewards are worth it.

This is a horrible place to be a human, because humans have needs. Humans have bills to pay and bodies to keep alive. Companies do not suffer the same limitations. If they behave unethically, punish those who trust them, where is the punishment? Will their mortgages be late? No. Because they don't answer to the worker. Many don't even answer to the consumer. Companies do business with other companies and do not need us anymore. This is why we need change, and even Bernie doesn't have a fucking clue about how to fix this.

Quote of the day #1

First edition of Quote of the Day (soon to possibly even be a daily feature)

"There are hundreds of books addressing all the different reasons. Some of them even agree with each other."

John Burgess, Former US diplomat

I have yet to find an answer to my simple question of whether the middle east was unstable before the creation of the state of Israel. I say simple because it's a binary yes or no question. But in a traditional to my philosophy results were far more entertaining than planned, hence this quote.

Tune in next time for: "The pope said WHAT?!"

PS: Not really, I have no idea what quote I'll like next time.

Ah, but then there's more time

I had thought that in a week or two the last word would be said in terms of the journey I'm on.
It was somewhat distressing in the way that all endings are. We expect a certain amount of sadness. Then Thursday happened. I want to emphasize that I had reached total peace with the end. I knew two facts: God is good and faithful, and I am wily and hard to destroy. They aren't entirely separate. I wouldn't be so hard to hurt if God wasn't my ally. God wouldn't be so good to me if I didn't trust him so completely (or so I assume).

Then the crisis I expected wasn't. The ones intent to attack me were attacked themselves, needed me to help. "Strange travel plans are dancing lessons from God", as Vonnegut once said. I still find it ironic that the best theological commentary is in a book written by an agnostic humanist. He said that anyone who can't understand how a completely false religion could be useful wouldn't understand. Yet this veteran Christian understands all too well that truth couldn't matter less. What matters is results. What matters is that my faith presented me with better fruit than I hoped for.

I can't say what this means for my walk with God. I've been seeking him for so long, and his results have been so strange. By strange I don't mean abnormal, from what I can tell he acts like this to everyone. I mean that it goes so against the grain of what I thought a loving God would be. God loves me like the wind blowing my hair out of my face and then in my eyes. God loves me like the rain, cleaning the air and flooding my yard. God is more than I can ever understand, yet I try. One of these days I will be fully satisfied and then I will cease to try. I know and trust fully that it will come. What's more I know that I won't see it until I'm there. More important is the understanding that the truth of that moment will satisfy in ways I can't fathom until I'm in that moment, and maybe not even then.

God is good.
God is faithful.
God's hand is ever active on behalf of those he loves.
When I understand that I can't understand that's when he acts.
When I know I have been faithful, and the attacks come anyway, that's when he defends.

Nothing artificial can create a connection to his provision. It's there anyway. His provision is persistent.

In the lion's den

Editor's Note: I wrote this a few days ago, but it's dealing with biblical/faith related issues which are still relevant to me today.

It bothers the living crap out of me that certain bible stories are slanted one way or another. I was raised believing the Bible to be take it to the bank facts. Adulthood has made me come to terms that the writers and editors have edited out important bits.
-
The good news is we have a living God, and as new covenant creations we don't have to live by the book. Yet the book is the only verifiable evidence of how God has acted. To explain the importance imagine God was an amazing creature the world thinks is gone forever but is actually alive and well just not especially visible. Now imagine an explorer during the time of Columbus traveled to the native island where the creature used to have large populations and took documentation. Now to truly understand the Bible, understand that the explorer in question had his own agenda about documenting what he saw. He saw what he wanted to see, and interpreted it's meaning with his own spin. Then he printed it in an obscure forgotten language and we are today only dealing with translations.

Yet it still matters. The story of Joseph is the one that kills me, if there was ever an event that I doubt happened the way we're told it's that one. See, God creating the world in 7 days is chump change compared to the story of Joseph. The story of Joseph is beyond implausible, because every step of the way Joseph seems to know which way to step, where to go and what to say. Honestly all the pure good that came his way has got to be seriously reduced by how many generations of Christians and possibly Jews who point to the story while talking to God and say, "See? You did it that time."

I don't know whether to call it temptation or not. The fact is I doubt that I am personally that important to be Joseph. Joseph is second only to Christ in terms of a perfect track record with God. Every time Joseph needs something, there it is. This spoiled rich kid thinks he's going to run the world and THEN HE DOES. Joseph perfectly embodies what white rich kids in my generation think will happen to them. We're more prone to believe that no matter how screwed up things get somehow it's going to get better. I'm not saying it won't mind you. I'm saying I've been waiting a decade. I'm saying that I'm happy with whatever God sends my way, because I walk a thin line between hope and despair. God is the ONLY reason I haven't given up, and it's not because I think he's going to burst out and fix things. It's because he knows what he's doing and fuck if I do.

I walk into the lion's den not because I expect him to close their mouths. It's that I know he can, and even if he doesn't he'll give me peace while I die.

One of the best verses I have ever found is Daniel 3:16-18
"16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

See this is how faith is. We don't know what he's going to do. We do know that he's the one that can save us. He doesn't have to, and he doesn't always do it. That's not the peace, even though that would be nice. The peace is knowing that sooner or later while following him when things do go wrong you'll end up completely out of control. When that happens, it's his ball. I have no desire to try to control this, apart from the urgent desire for it to end. I still think one of my greatest hopes is that he allows me to perish. Sooner or later every man dies. I just wish it was now. If only if only....
Kurt Vonnegut put it so well:
"Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder 'why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand."

You'll have to overlook it

I'm going to take a break from grousing about my present trouble and talk about the potential next step. I've been trying to move in the direction of becoming a lineman. At the outset I knew this was a dangerous job. On the other hand it's problem solving (my personal thrill) in an environment where everything you do matters.

Reading horror stories about lineman does actually give me pause. I determined there are three reasons a job pays well: It's unpleasant to most people, it's risky, or it requires a high amount of time investment. I have no problem putting the time in, three years is nothing in my life. Hold off on the risk, because that's the big one. I want to mention unpleasantness. I love this one because I call people that find a difficult job unpleasant to be wimps. Nothing against them, everyone has their own needs. Mine are emotional and job security. I can't stand passive aggressive bosses, which seem to be a staple of office life. The amazing thing about field work is how little of your boss you see. Further if you do your job correctly your boss will have a really light touch with you. That isn't true inside. Inside managers get lonely and call meetings. They gripe at employees because they're sick of the sight of them. They take out their personal petty problems on those they work with. Not every one of them does this, but enough have done it to me to make me especially unfriendly to sitting at a desk. I'd rather face an angry dog (which I do almost every day) than an unfriendly boss for a simple reason: That angry dog doesn't control whether I get a paycheck. Heck an angry customer doesn't control if I get a paycheck. That's the gold standard of jobs there. When you have a job where the customer can throw the biggest tantrum they can manage and your boss compliments you for enduring a hard job.... I can't stress enough how little that happens in the private sector.

Which brings us to risk. Risk comes in all shapes and sizes. In business class one of the first lessons I was taught was that risk is proportional to reward. What that means is that there are things that are easy to do, and things that aren't. The less easy they are to do the more money can be made doing them. In math terms the best example is gambling, which I am currently playing a hunch on. I placed a bet that Bernie would win the election, a 20 dollar bet I made 4 months ago. I get day by day updates on what other people will buy me out for. Currently I would still break even because people still don't appear to believe that he can win. That's fine for me because I'm playing a long game. If he wins I get 175 dollars. I took a 30% risk on 20 dollars.

Risk works the same with other things. Sometimes what you risk is reputation and career. When I worked at the mental hospital there was a constant very high risk of being taken down for a little mistake. If I was lucky I might have just been fired and reported to DHS. More often I was threatened with being taken away to jail. This threat was not based on controllable factors. For example a coworker could make a mistake that leads to prison for me. That was an unacceptable risk. That alone is why I am no longer interested in health care as a profession.

With lineman the risk is different. The risk is injury or loss of life. It's the biggest risk I've faced, but it's not the first time for either. I face both every day. Some research has revealed that the type of risk is the same: controllable. What an individual does is controllable by that individual, everything else isn't. Taking safety precautions is part of the job for most industrial or technical jobs. That doesn't scare me. I know how to listen to my gut and value safety over speed/convenience which is all most safety precautions are. I understand the effects of complacency.

To anyone who still thinks lineman is too risky I return to the lines so wisely said in the Super Chicken theme:
"Fred, if you’re afraid, you’ll have to overlook it.
Besides you knew the job was dangerous when you took it."

Winning all the time? Not yet.

There is a great secret to securing most wins that I get. That secret is setting the terms so that no matter which way a contest wins my plans advance. That's all you need to read if you are just in this for strategy. The rest of this is going to be rambling about particulars.

Growing up I was a big fan of the show Gargoyles. It was a typical 90s cartoon action drama aimed at kids and teens. However the startling high points of the show were it's villains. Not going into any of the other cool ones; my favorite was David Xanatos. In addition to the strong biblical overtones (the hero was named Goliath) there were alusions to myths and legends. His hallmark was creating plans which always ended with him winning, even if the hero defeated him. The TV Tropes wiki calls this the Xanatos Gambit.

The Xanatos Gambit to me represents the ultimate in strategic thinking in that there is no way to defeat someone using it. Obi Wan in the original Star Wars is the best example of this. Even when he got killed it just allowed him to be anywhere he needed to be at just the right moment, which fit into his plan. Granted that particular variant was never tried by the original character in the show (cannon wise anyway). I think the whole death not death gambit is the easiest to win, at least for me. If someone were to try to kill me either way they would lose. If they killed me, I'd be getting what I want given my previously demonstrated lack of enthusiasm for living. If they allowed me to survive I doubt they would. For one I'm fierce backed into a corner. Another factor is that once someone has gone to a certain level I have no limits on how far I will go for revenge. Well, one limit: I won't kill myself trying to avenge my own almost death. The math doesn't work for that one.

So today I experienced a new level of how effective the gambit is in practice. I have been facing off against an unfreindly future, and I had already made my plans assuming that was coming. Now I come to find out... well it's a lot more unsure than I was previously led to believe. Hence the future is split binary between a continuation of the present situation and a new vista. Either one is fine with me is the thing. I progress the exact same amount towards my goal going down either path. So I will admit I don't win all the time. The fact is that I still haven't figured out how to plan effectively enough to achieve the totality of the gambit.

Pan begins to tip

I have spoken before of the out of the frying pan and into the fire metaphor in relation to the current events in my life. In introduction I must admit that I am forced to be vague and elliptical by the nature of the crisis. Things being the way they are (in that the source of the trouble will be eliminated should the crisis reach a head) I will at some point be able to speak about these matters with more frankness.

Well to stick to the metaphor the frying pan has begun to tip. I had thought the crisis had passed. I was not in safe waters though and things heated up this morning. Last week an incident occurred which has magnified the danger I am in. However, time is an excellent lens for enhancing understanding the truth.

To quote one of my favorite Dustin Hoffman movies, Wag the Dog:
"This is nothing. D'you ever shoot in Italy? Try three Italian starlets wacked out on Benzedrine and grappa, this is a walk in the park..."

Everything is a matter of perspective. That has become my personal slogan, my mantra which brings me peace beyond what any religion or philosopher ever has. The fact is that in fact bad things do happen. They happen every day. Good people are not immune from bad things happening, in fact to some extent they are more vulnerable. An evil person, supposing such a being exists, must suspect everyone of betrayal as a matter of logical following out of job duties. Unless they are a profoundly ignorant evil person they must admit that given their own dishonesty they can't expect better from others. Good people suffer from no such notion by nature. They must go through life getting the shit kicked out of them until they either become cynical or find peace another way.

I was moving towards a point though. I look back at my worst moments, and in comparison the present moment seems pale indeed. I knew this evil was there, and I have known about it for a long time. I hoped I could avoid it, turns out I can't.

There is however peace here too. Though this obstacle is apparently fixed in my path, I am not a victim. I can choose how I react. I find peace when I know I cannot fix the thing bothering me, because it allows me to focus elsewhere. When my ex-wife cheated on me and left, I realized I had no control over who she was. In that there was freedom. I was free to direct my life away from her and her destructive influence.

I find similarity also in who I am in regards to the thing hurting me. It is the nature of my personality that only those close to me can hurt me. That I am hurt at all proves that this loss is personal. I only let things that uplift me get close to me. Looking back I can see that not only am I a better person for it's influence, but also that should it choose to go beyond redemption I will be better for the departure.

I survived. God has preserved me. These two facts are absolute. Have I been hurt? Of course I have. Pain is part of life, it lets you know you are growing, and which things to avoid in the future. I could not have avoided getting here, but hopefully what I have learned will help me be less of a target for stuff like this in the future.

I have also been given time to think. Time is a gift that I cannot afford to waste. Today I have made progress towards thinking my way out of this. Currently all ways are going straight through. A step at a time I'll get there.

Turn the other cheek...... or why I hate having my principles... helpless...

I have to get this out, because stewing on it will only make things worse. I am so tired, on so MANY levels, of what is being given to me. No matter how low my expectations it is never low enough! Humans INSIST on finding new ways and methods of turning everything I considered good in myself into a knife, and cutting at me with the proverbial knife.

If only I was a cold blooded psychopath, but then I wouldn't have these problematic principle and problematic emotions. It seems to me that God is completely non-functional in practical purposes in the present moment. Today I celebrated a year, a year of turning the other cheek and attempting to follow my principles... my reward? Only the knowledge I made it, and barely EVEN that. I don't want to go out and hunt again, yet I have little choice. I'm sick of it, I know I will in the end do it, as I do all unpleasant and unsavory things because I have no choice and God does not take individual interest in removing said problems.

Is it a sin to kill yourself because God obviously doesn't have any interest in:saving you, protecting you, caring for you?  I could make a logical case, granted, flimsy logic, but logical and reasonable. I wish I could be pushed too far. The problem is at the end of the day my mind (which is much MUCH stronger than my heart and will) reminds me that taking a gun and ending it is a choice. Heck, smoking is a choice. In what sense is God essential, if life is a never ending gauntlet of "how hellish can it get?" It's like one of those terrible reality shows, where God is the sadistic moderator watching us endure one trial after another. I don't know he's sadistic, I'm just very very hurt. Actually theologically speaking I am to understand that he is loving and good. Which of course leads to the paradox of my existence: Living by my principles puts me in hell. I am given the choice of relief from hell if I could let go of God and trusting him, waiting on him (ENDLESSLY) to show the worth of the trial. He doesn't save me except when I am powerless against a terrible problem. I wish he'd kill me. I wish he'd end this trial, on any terms. At this point I am too tired, and going through this trial even once more is too much. But I don't get that choice, because my shackles are my love for him, my love for my family, and even my love of self. I must step one foot in front of another, fight the fight I will never be recognized for. Because I have no other option which I would take.

If I were to try to ignore God or even deny him I would cease to be me. I am philosophically and psychologically incapable of ignoring my deepest principles. One day I'll find a loophole, a loophole that will allow me to die. That is my light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 28 years old, and that leaves maybe 52 years more of this torment... at most. I sure damn hope there is a heaven... to make it worth it. Or nothingness. I'd be satisfied with that as well, non existence would be satisfactory. Heck if knew for a fact it was just non-existence... well nope, still couldn't kill myself. Damn love, damn principles...... loyalty.... faith...... one day I'll figure out why God requires such destructive emotions from us.

No home for the wanderer, no rest for the pilgrim

I can't quite put a finger on the feeling in my gut. It's one thing to acknowledge the difficulties facing me, and the spiritual nature of the fight that is both behind and ahead of me. It's something entirely different to live it. I feel like I'm trying to swim through an ocean of quicksand in a dense fog. Around my waist is a rope, and on the other end of the rope is God, and he's pulling me through. It's an apt metaphor given that I have to keep swimming, but I am painfully aware that I'm not getting to the other side without his help. That being said every day is another one wondering if today is the day I can't fight anymore. I can't help but wonder when this never-ending well of faith energy will dry up. If I'm not concerned about that I'm wondering when I'll get pulled out of this quicksand.

I guess that's why they call faith the hard road. It's still a daily project for me to release power and control. It's hard because I want to be strong. I want to be a warrior, to get respect, and be master of my destiny. The fact is that no matter how physically strong I get, how influential I become, and how intelligent I get there is no such thing as total control. Which is why I keep offering up what control I can give up to a being who embodies perfect control.

The frustration today is the enemy and his/their resources. I'm not a big believer in the devil's power and I'm no baptist. However I don't think there is a believer in Christ alive that doesn't know there are some dark powers out there. Some of them are innocent seeming: ambition, pride, jealous love and independence. However knowing that the motivations are good doesn't change the fight I'm fighting. I have killed paranoia dead with one thought: What profit is there in persecuting me?
However that just opens a deeper and darker door. I realize that the people I have cast as my adversaries are humans with authentic human needs, and justified human motivations. My honor demands that I not only love my enemies as best I can, but that I attempt to understand them. It's also the simple strategic fact that knowing the enemy is the best way of getting news first.
Just because they are honest (by my standards) humans doesn't mean what they are doing isn't wrong. It's also true that just because I can't point to one person as my enemy doesn't mean there aren't obstacles in my path. It feels like those obstacles have limitless resources, because I have been fighting a long time. That's just my pride talking though, no one on this earth has limitless resources. For every obstacle there is a path, and for every pain there is a comfort.

A further challenge is that though I go before God childlike in my need, his answer is to the adult me. The adult who is strong enough to fight, and the man who he needs me to be. He is able, but it seems like he wants to use this fire to refine me.

I wish so often that I could understand what task he has to form me to do. Almost as strongly as I beg him to end this torment, in one way or another. He answers always "I will, hold on." or "You'll be seeing it soon enough." Oh how my eyes long to see, how my back longs for the rest only he can provide. Would that I could gnaw my own legs off I would if it would bring my answer even a day closer. However that answer is one of mercy, and mercy can't be earned. Mercy comes when we're ready, and when it's best for us. Yet again I say he knows better, and he is as near to me as one being can be to another without being one. He won't let go, not even if I could turn away, he would drag me back. He knows my buttons, and I won't change them because I trust him. Trust pretty much sums up the trouble, and faith sums up the answer. 

Out of the frying pan

Just so you know, for irony purposes the post when the thing I'm worried about actually happens will be called "and into the fire."
Once again I'm dealing with a threat, but I'm just going to keep moving towards it. I'd like to think that's bravery, and it is a bit. It's more faith. When events outside my control conspire against me I remember that when I'm out of control God is more in control than ever. So when I come to the end of me, again, I remember all the times before.

He has never failed me. I've faced so much worse, and over and over he has shielded me, or moved me into the right position. I praise his steadfastness, and in fact I take joy in knowing that when he gives me a chance to lean on him, things are changing, and perhaps for the best.

More encouraging is that I saw this coming. For 10 months I thrashed and couldn't sit still, and the world stood still. For the last month and a half I have been still, and after being still things start to happen. When I trust him there is no higher honor than for the winds to rise, the storms to grumble, and my feet to stay planted on solid ground.

delusion, dreams, and faith

I had the vision again last night. It appears to be more vivid when a certain chemical balance is reached in my body. Which as with most other "evidence" only complicates the matter further.

I don't want to talk about the vision itself, because I already have and the content is meaningless compared with the implications of whether it is delusional, faith, or just a goal.

Initially it was my total belief that it was a vision of the future, that God had brought it to me and therefor my trust of it was total. Now we are entering my 7th year of coping with this concept. I still entertain the possibility of God as the source of what I saw. At the same time it doesn't have to be.

If what I saw comes into reality then it will most likely be God's doing, because as of yet I have no idea how to get there. Previously I have used my lack of means as evidence that it is a "God-sized dream" and therefor from God. That doesn't have any kind of logical standing however. I admit that God is above reason and his logic is beyond mine by a long shot.

The facts are these, reason or not, logic or not, my trust is in God. I don't really even know if I should be hashing over this, given that it is my job to cast my cares on the Lord.

It isn't wrong from a faith point of view to have questions, or even doubts. Very little is actually wrong... Lacking faith is wrong I suppose.

Which I don't. I don't doubt even for a second his ability to make the vision a reality. What I doubt is me. Yes, I'll admit that I am a wonderfully made creation, and therefor within me (and within us all) lies the ability to touch the supernatural. I am however quite flawed. I believed in something much more mundane that I thought I could do, and I watched it fall apart. I am lucky that I'm not in charge, because I didn't want to survive to see today. It is my belief that God will make it worthwhile, surviving. I can never again say that just because I believe it will be so.

I doubt myself because I know I'm a human, and I know that other humans I have trusted in have let me down. I made a mistake, believing that willpower and intelligence can survive anything. God is all that survives, and God is all I can rely on.

God, however faithful, is slow to respond on some topics. It is very frustrating to keep living. It's frustrating to understand that time is like a river. Right now I am forcing it to go as quickly as I can, swimming with the stream trying to get to calmer waters. I can stop time, slow it to a crawl and live in a moment for eternities. I did it, in year one and two of this journey. I still do it, from time to time, but lately it only lasts a few minutes. There just aren't long stretches of time worth preserving...

 Which brings up an interesting point, God created all of this, even time. Every moment with God is a moment worth living in, and worth extending... However on a counterpoint all the abilities he gives us are worth using as well. I am blessed to control my personal experience of time. Some people can do other things, and just because using a gift means neglecting another.... many choices are binary, and the binary nature of those choices doesn't make one thing good and one thing bad. I could choose to process these feeling by playing my games, and sometimes I do. Sometimes I choose to process my problems by make them go away, by ignoring them. Even though facing my problems is productive in it's way as well. Writing is great for clarity and efficiency, which is why I choose it when I think there is something to figure out.

Regardless of which path I go towards I don't feel that I am betraying the other path by taking the one I do.
Fasting is a great example of how faith calls us to abandon reality, abandon the ple asures of this world to seek faith. However God also calls us to see the wonder in others, to tend to his sheep in service to him, and what is more reality focused than that?
Does fasting and it's reality separation hold more goodness than focusing on what is here and now? No, so point resolved.

I still don't know what my call is to do with what is in front of me, which is what matters at the moment.  The journey I'm on right now is through the desert, and there are times that the best I can do is say no to temptation. The temptation is to trust in the dream, because the dream is good and trusting it feels good. That doesn't get me out though, because I can't trust anyone or anything else to do what only the Lord can. The other temptation is to drift from faith, because living on reason alone is tempting. However what a sad world it would be, without the wonder of faith. How meaningless my life is without God. Further I'd be lying to myself. I'd be betraying the potential of being the best me I can be.

*sigh*, another day, another step, another dream, and another wrestle with what it means to have hope in the abandoned land. Another struggle to be myself, and rely on him. That's what faith is; knowing you don't have to rely on him and doing it anyway. If we were just an evolutionary product I doubt we would be wired for faith. We wouldn't love romance, and idealism. Romance and idealism have no place in logic.

I keep dreaming the only dream of faith I know is sure, that with time comes clarity, and the time is coming of total clarity.

what was then, what isn't now

Most of the time I like to try and plaster over my hurt and pain about my past. The biggest reason is I don't like to whine. It isn't a pride thing, it's that no one gives a damn, and that makes talking about it pretty pointless. I've pretty much stopped talking about pain. I mention it to God from time to time, since he never gets tired of hearing about my shit, but humans have no such interest.

I guess I started down this path hoping to find why I'm not trusting or vulnerable anymore, and already I have my answer: I don't find empathy in others. Not to a level that makes me open myself to others. I am capable of empathy for others, but I use it strategically, it's not really that useful for relationships.

Well shit, I don't see a fix for this, apart from deeper into therapy. I'd have to find a competent therapist capable of understanding/diagnosing/treating the gap between my current psyche and well adjusted... whatever that means. Further though openness would be lovely for my relationships with close family, with everyone else it would be,  a step in the wrong direction.

Feeling things is great when people are protective of your feelings. When you live in a toxic world full of hurtful/careless people feelings are a liability. Expectations line up with realities. I expect people to be self interested and careless. So far that works. Sadly being cynical is said to be bad for faith. I do try to find good in others. I've noticed that very few people set out to be evil for example. Most people do what we would call bad things through totally justifiable motivations. I think everyone wants to be good. I just wish anyone was. Good of course is relatively subjective. The world I want to live in is different than what other people want... I'd rather be happy than wealthy, and I'd much rather provide my own validation than get it from others.