3 am musings from 11-19

NOTE: This is something I wrote on an overnight in the wee morning hours of 11-19, I hope this spirit of inspiration continues and I can record more of my life over the next few weeks.

Introspection in retrospect after a 3 AM viewing of Annie Hall

I was named after Annie Hall you know. Not directly silly, but after a running joke in the movie. The running joke is that Woody Allen's character and his sort of best friend through the movie keep having conversations and instead of using their character's names they both refer to the other as Max. Of course I didn't find this out until my middle teens, I want to say 16 but it might have been earlier. After I had found out about sex but before I was having it my dad showed me the movie. Up until this point I had been under the impression I was named after my granddad who was Samuel Max but everyone called him Max. They still do. Sometimes I wonder if my mother is in on the joke that we tell everyone that I am named after my highly successful and admirable granddad, but in fact I am named after a neurotic woody allen character. I think that's what set up the whole dynamic of my life. On the outside sure I'm successful and happy, but inside I worry and I cover up my insecurities and I know all about my imperfections.

I realized here it is 4 AM towards the end of November and I haven't done any quality introspection since, I don't know, maybe September but more likely since July. It's been a bad year for my creativity. I started out so strong with short stories.... no wait that was two years ago. Where was I a year ago? Aha, I haven't been really creative since I went back to school. This years “strong” start was trying to make it work with Nikki..... that's a road I don't want to go down right now. At the moment I'm trying to live in a regret free zone with Nikki.... she's expecting her third child with a third man and it's not me and I'm glad..... maybe a part of me wishes it was me but NOW?! Certainly not. I could not approach fatherhood appropriately right now. I mean I feel castrated at school, I won't be returning in the spring and I feel empty about so much....... Being a father to me always meant having things figured out.

I feel completely aimless about the road ahead. Sometimes rather bleak if you want the truth. Frankly I don't think it would be a horrible tragedy if this was the end. But I'm supposed to be trying to find more gray area in my life. I appear to suffer from cognitive dissonance according to my therapist I see things in black and white and I do, I do do that. So what do I do about it? I asked him this, he thinks me being aware of it and of my issues with lack of control and ambiguity will help me deal with them. So if this isn't the end, and life is not wonderful...... it just is. I hate that there is not an adequate word for describing the reality in which something is not a success and it is not a failure. For something that exists in total opposition to definition by either category. My life being the prime example of this frustrating linguistic conundrum. The future is neither a good thing or a bad thing. It exists in an ambiguous state in relation to the rest of reality. While many things are concrete and definable my life utterly defies such plebeian things such as the English language. I'm certain that the Germans or perhaps the Greeks would have had a word for this state. Probably the french as well, if only for the purposes of Camus.

My therapist was talking with me about the perfect woman, we had just defined one of my problems that I am a perfectionist. Oh well. Moving on we discussed my perfect woman. Of course in one of the rare moments of disharmony with my therapist I really wanted to discuss my attempts to control the situation and why they had not worked and he wanted to discuss how my obsession with power and control involuntarily led me to choose substandard women.... well women with issues we can't really define substandard women without saying that there is a standard that women should be held to and what does that say about me? Women are in the end not a commodity no matter how much I treat them like one. You cannot quality sort women, they in general defy it and again it requires broader knowledge than I am privy to. I suppose the natural standard I want to hold women to is the standard of my mother, well how Freudian is that?

In the end I am drawn to women who are lacking in compassion but with respectable intellectual capacity. Often times it just comes down to who will give me what I desire: at the moment this manifests as a decent amount of compassion and the warmth of occasional physical contact without the required full honesty of intimacy. I am intimately incapable and have been for a few months. But that comes back around to my main point; I don't feel ready for the whole dance anymore. I settle for remaining able to have my legs under me. I desire more, I really do, I think that I should be able to do more in the way of love. I want romance and sparks, and well, to quote Gene Wilder “I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!”

I remain ever pragmatic about the whole problem. For one though I have faith that God will provide, that doesn't mean what he provides will always meet my definition of good or that he can reverse the damage that sin has done on my mortal body. Yes I know I am young and young people bounce back but at the moment I don't feel so young. I feel very tired of pushing forward through the endless murk that is this existence. I feel that I am alone though I am told I am loved I await evidence of such. At the moment I cannot even afford Christmas presents for my family. *sigh*

the fantasies of man outreach his biology

Just something that struck me while I was reading Maslow's thoughts on pornography. Pornography is fantasy, more often than not male fantasy. What he said is that it's a lie, but not a harmful one if you KNOW it's a lie. Valuable words there. He said these are but fantasies, which is a critique and praise. But most importantly they are unrealistic fantasies. Personally I enjoy word fantasies, ones I create in my mind the images for. I just read some today. Yet that doesn't make my love for the arms of a real woman fail. Sometimes it makes the longing more acute. Sometimes it lessens it. However it is primarily an experience between me and my own head. And such is my love of myself sometimes that I must daydream fantastic adventures for me to go on. I know I won't go in the end. Being a good man and responsible are too important.
Another thing he said is music is utopia. My current favorite song is called Captain Lou, going as follows:
"Some say that I'm not wrapped too tight
captain lou captain lou captain lou
But when I'm on the scene everything's alright
captain lou captain lou albano"

I just love the idea. This song is my private utopia, and here is why, and then I'll tell you another story of my utopia. Some people don't like me, or might speak words against me, and it's hard being an intelligent realist and both knowing that and trying to transcend that. But people want me around. I can imagine them calling my name. Because when I'm around, for them, life gets better. That's what  I want to believe. Whether it's true or not is another thing entirely. But I say as Vonnegut said before me that the truth is a dangerous thing. Sometimes too much of it could rip you apart. Well, could rip me apart. I couldn't stand for years to realize why my wife left me, why she did what she did. Now I understand. I wouldn't go back and tell myself the answer though, not after it was too late to change. I had hurt too much.

Another utopia was inspired by her. She called me proud and vain when she left me. I am. So is all man, but I know mine so I can mock it, and in mocking it I find vision of what men want to be: You're so vain.

You walked into the party
like you were walking onto a yacht
your hat strategically tipped below one eye
your scarf it was apricot
you had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavot
and all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you.

This is the essence of man, both in his flower and in his shame. It is shameful to be so insecure as to need to put on a display for others. But it is beautiful to love yourself so decadently that everyone wishes to be in your shoes. I found this song, and I adopted it as one of my ego banner songs because this song is about me. Not LITERALLY, but about a man like me. I want to be that man, we all do sometimes.

But one of the verses is so brutally honest it helps me gut check myself:

You said that we made such a pretty pair
and that you would never leave
but you gave away the things you love
and one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
clouds in my coffee

I loved her, I made such promises to her. To more people than I'm proud to admit. But in the end I gave away the things I loved. One of them was Lindsay. One of them was Nikki. They had dreams but in the end it mattered to me more who they were to ME. Anyway the point is that if they really mattered to me maybe they would have made different decisions. Or maybe not.
I'm going to go into another utopia now:
Minecraft.

update 8-28

Journal 8-28

So I'm feeling very frustrated and this is all I have to work with, typing up a future blog entry that I may never publish.

Last night I dreamed again.... about Nikki. In my dream my dad and she were conversing about my attraction to her. He talked about my devotion.... etc etc. And how james will never love her like I would, or be a good father like I might. And she decided to leave him for me. SO we started trying to be intimate. It was wonderful. Of course I felt guilt, something felt wrong that by the force of my will I had received what I wanted so bad at the expense of her relationship with him. Which is why I'm trying not to sabotage it. If she leaves him, and chooses me, it should be her idea. I tried to kiss her and it all fell apart.
I put on my music forget the day
think of a girl that I used to know,
I close my eyes and I drift away

(guitar riff)
It's more than a feeling
more than a feeling
when I hear that old song once again
I've been believing, more than a feeling
see Mary Ann walk away
I see that Mary Ann walking away

Check bounced, now I'm short over 160 dollars because of the bank and the insurance agency, now that's not counting the money I pray is sitting in my drawer.

Anyway got through first two classes. I need to find a way to access the net on campus.... will work on that in about two hours.
Anyway, it's still eating at me about dreaming about Nikki, being as how I can't have her. In my dream she realized that I was the better choice... because of Dad. And she resented it.... so I read anyway hence the failed kiss. She's talking about moving out if she loses her job.... I'm trying to be very apathetic about it. After all, if she does I can rent to one person and make more money, And have better parking. But I'd miss her.... a bit. Lately she's been less pleasant, she promises things and doesn't do them. It's a problem of how affection and love works. People can hurt you, but then again you can forget. I've started to come around to the idea that I care/cared for my ex wife. Yes, I loved her. Not just in the traditional sense that I affectionately enjoyed her attentions (that was the first step to have to admit). Over time I have discovered that I also miss her touch, her eyes, how it felt to come home to her, the security of her love and her being there. Now of course I realize the security was an illusion.

In other news I apparently talked my way through a block with a witty new girl. No more details for now, I've learned my lesson.

Get this guys: I get it

So I just had an amazing epiphany of why my previous relationships, particularly my marriage failed. As some of you might know this has been the holy grail of understandings for two years already. This is like cracking the mystery of why you can't become attractive to anyone you are attracted to, despite stories and advertising to the contrary. This is big big stuff. A guy recognizing how wrong he was even though no one would damn tell him is a blessed miracle. So I was taking apart the marriage bit by bit for what must be the 77th time when I started to look at it a different way. My previous theories often centered on that she had fooled herself into marrying me based on an abstinence obsessed christian subculture. Which I took some responsibility for due to my being the overcharged libido carrier in fault for the crime in question. So when it failed it must have been my fault for building a marriage on lies that your first partner in bed will be the one you know and understand best. I built a marriage on the idea that two people with similar goals and high libido would come out fine. I was wrong of course. Now, not just in that I once thought the marriage would last, also I am deeply deeply wrong in why she stopped loving me. She stopped loving me because I never loved her the way she needed. I loved her the best I could. Honestly it's like throwing in a bunch of metric tools with non metric hardware. They can try, but all they can ever be is on different machines. I was always daydreaming about the sex we might have one day if we ever get up to it. Then we'd get up to it and it would always disappoint. Is it any wonder I had problems with literary porn. Fantasies fueled my life. I lived dreaming to live. I was so deeply invested in being right about everything, about things just having to be so, about missing the most important thing I ever missed: Maybe she did love me as deeply as she said. It's possible, I'm not an unattractive man. Maybe she just wanted my love. No need to think about the future when you are really in love. The future is windowdressing. The now is precious because you are with the one you love. If you don't love them you are always looking away. I was always looking away. I didn't love her like I should. I could never accept the simplicity of her romance. It was a homecooked meal, a new outfit, holding me when I got home from work. Working with me, playing with me. My best friend. I loved her, but not enough. Love is never enough, is the title of a book on my shelf on couple's psychology. Good communication it says is the core of any relationship. I never felt welcome to have feelings around her. I felt like she was trying to crush us into becoming her parents. And because I feared it, it tried to become so. Then she was afraid we'd turn into my parents, and she feared it and it nearly became so. Actually it did become so. Only she didn't love me like my mom loves my dad. That's what makes mom a lady, she has the class to see past the faults and love him through it all. If Lindsay had been so, I would have loved her forever, imagine it. Never starting smoking. Never being a playboy sort. No blond hair. No crazy eyeglasses. No big slush fund..... actually that would still exist if we both could work. No new car for YOU this time.

someday I'll find her....... maybe in the afterlife, but she's  out there....
I don't know how to get over....Nicki....Sarah. I loved Sarah but the anxiety.... the anxiety..... Going back to her has more free radicals in the experiment than an untested nuclear blast. It's too dangerous and frankly I both love her to much to risk doing that to her, and love me too much to do it to me. And I don't love her or need her in my life so much that makes such risk worthwhile. It was shallow love.

People like us
who will answer the telephone
people like us
we don't need freedom
We don't want justice
we just want someone to love
What good is freedom?
God laughs at people like us
I see it coming, like thunder falling down from above.

Times are hard for people like us.

muddily do, muddily do, bodily bust, bodily bust

We do, doodley do, doodley do, doodely do,
What we must, muddily must, muddily must, muddily must;
Muddily do, muddily do, muddily do, muddily do,
Until we bust, bodily bust, bodily bust, bodily bust.
(Kurt Vonnegut)

I feel as if I have failed to uphold my duty to preserve this record of my ongoing quest for meaning and hope in this post divorce wasteland. So, first, I'm sorry about all that. Second, I'm going to try and keep up with it more.

So where to begin?
Well Sarah and I broke up.... I broke up with Sarah........... Over a month ago she decided she was too busy to see me, so out she went. You might be under the impression I can only be so glib because of my distance from the problem, but no. See, in my heart we broke up when she flat out refused to accept my best friend or compromise. And it looked like Shannon part 2, and no thanks, that was no fun the first time.
Somewhere in the middle of that relationship Nikki decided to tell me she had feelings for me. So I couldn't just end the relationship with sarah and by the time it did end of it's own accord Nikki had moved on. Which comes to the primary point of conflict in my relationship life: Nikki. She loves someone else.... again. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I know........ I cuss because I cannot eloquently express my distaste for the situation I am currently in. It is without a doubt beyond compare with any other disappointment in Nikki that I have had in the past. In the past when she was over the moon for some guy, well that guy was the father of her child and I could not claim a better footing. But this guy just came out of the blue while I was trying to resolve my personal matters. And she prefers him........................................... I'm just getting more angry here.

They aren't together now....

Waiting for the right moment, or to be more accurate wondering if the right moment will ever arrive. I feel like I'm sitting watching my life go by. Of course if I was in a relationship with anyone other than my soul mate the difference is utterly moot except in the bragging rights of having more sex..... That's uncomfortably honest and close to home, but this is processing. Do I think that Nikki is my one unique soul mate? I was going to say no out of hand.... but, yet again being honest with my heart I do not know. She may be. Life is surprising. If she loved me..... loved me..... I would say she was. Of course I love her..... but it is not in my love to ask what she has not offered. Right now I certainly don't see anything better. Granted, that's horrible reasoning for love. To be honest I'm unsure whether I could be happier with anyone else...... and it bothers my competitive little heart not having that which I wish to have. She promised we would have another chance...... now it comes down to my trust of her. And of God......... I don't talk about him much anymore.

A brief reprieve into my career I have gained employment in my field. I work in a mental hospital for children....... For children being the shocking part, we all knew I belonged in a mental hospital. It's actually quite fulfilling. I get to be the father I've always been well suited to be to 15 boys, between 14 and 17, there might be a few younger. Sometimes I end up on the younger wards or working with little girls, which needless to say is not my gift. But I seem to have taken to the job as well as can be hoped, if not better.

And I might be getting a new renter.

I wish I could have fulfilling dreams about the woman I love. I wish she would look at me and see what I see when I look at her..... is it too much to wish that? Is it too much to long to be longed for back? To want to torture her with pleasure and happiness? It's a rare thing that I want to let my will be bent to meet another's but in her I find that already my will is bent to hers, and I find her in my life comfortable.... and I know that as long as she is in it I cannot honestly chase any other relationships...... though I may still try....... I miss sex.... even my enjoyment of pornography is on the decline. It is as if my heart is drying and freezing, going into hibernation. Yet.... nothing... I long for it to beat..... I long for meaningful human contact. Yet that is desperate and wrong, so I must teach myself not to feel. Because the one I want doesn't want me, and there is not currently a better option to fall back on.


 The ex is happy, I'm filling the paperwork she wants filed.

The vocal minority

I'm coming down to realize the reasons I smoke are more complex than I have previously discussed. Yes, the flavor is good and I do enjoy it. But a larger reason, larger especially now that I realize it is this; smoking tobacco puts a man at odds with society for choices that HE has made. Now I used to be one of those clean living types, liberal and healthy and all that bull.  The liberal agenda is supposed to be to defend the little guy, the put upon and those who either cannot or will not speak for themselves. Our liberal friends, who claim to be on our side never seem to get around to voicing what the minority has to say. Now the conservatives are worse, but not by much. I'm pro-smoking. I'm proud to say that I love the taste of a good cigar. I'd gladly give anyone I like a good cigar, and sit down and enjoy the day, which is what I'm doing at this very moment.

What really gets to me is the blatant hypocracy of the non smoking world. Not that smokers are any more honest, but most are a bit more realistic to realize that first of all, life is dangerous, and second we aren't getting the whole story. There is a witch hunt against smokers in this country. And yet many continue to smoke. They must have good reasons. I know I do. We as smokers are sick of being lumped together with everyone that smokes.

Here is how it works, and this applies to a large amount of labels. What someone does for a hobby does not make them homicidal, abusive, or a destructive member of society. Why do more of these sorts of people smoke? Because when you stop caring what others think enough to be a detriment to society you might as well smoke, and do anything else you might wish to do. You know that when you get caught they're just going to kill you or make your life hell anyway. Why not smoke?
A person, let's call him Dave, could be a real piece of work. He could cheat on his wife, beat her and the kids when he gets home, eventually devolve into bank robbery and working for the mob. He might have to start pulling off hits, etc etc.
Anyway, Dave has made some personal choices in his life. I'll tell you a couple. He drives a red ford truck for example. Now that is a personal choice. He likes his truck. However him liking it doesn't make him a bad person. Would you start attacking everyone who drives a Ford, or a truck, that they don't have your best interests at heart? No. Do you know why? Because Ford has worked hard to create a positive image in the mind of america. They are good trucks, and that doesn't change a thing. Now when Dave is driving around in his big old ford truck he likes to go through the drive through of McDonald's. He doesn't order off the healthy menu. He eats a greasy burger and fries. He's not taking very good care of himself is he? Does that mean we should insult him? Maybe make burger and fries very highly taxed and hard to get. That would show him for not taking good enough care of himself. You realize that is just plain silly. I hope you do.
Now he likes to pick up a case of Bud Light on the way home so he can have a drink while he watches his shows and his wife tries to avoid him so she won't get hit. He'll probably get drunk. And he'll die younger because he overdrinks and blacks out every night. And society DOES see that evil. Yet we don't say everyone who has a bud light at a bar, or buys bud light is evil. We understand he is an alcoholic. He needs treatment and rehab, and he might have to go to jail. Because of his inability to control himself. Not the alcohol. Dave, like many men, likes a smoke while he's drinking.
Which brings me around to my point. Dave is a bad man. No one who works at the tobacco shop made him that. No one in big tobacco is guilty of even ONE crime against Dave. Dave is going to die young because he's reckless in general. He's just as likely to drive that Ford into the river, or drink himself to death as to die of lung cancer. Actually it's more likely his liver will fail first. Society has to find other ways to cope with people like that other than punishing good contributing citizens with overtaxation and discrimination. There are many jobs that discriminate against smokers. The smoking area is almost always dirty and not relaxing. And why not? Smokers must deserve it for making a life choice like that, right?
Smokers are people, whether anyone wants to admit or not. And there is nothing wrong with tobacco, except for the smell, and that's something all of us, smokers and non smokers, have to deal with.

letter to my girl

Hey baby,
      I'm just sitting here, dealing with anxiety caused by this medicine, missing you. I feel so sick to my stomach from this it isn't even funny. Maybe because normally when I feel this sick it's because I feel horrible about something that I'm worried so much about every little thing. I keep thinking that I must be feeling guilty about something. What do I have to feel guilty about? My past is the first thing that pops into my head. I think I really just need to type out this problem and I'll feel better. Hence the drafting of this letter. I feel guilty about being with a man, that I was with a man right before we met. Something in my brain wants to make more of it than I wanted to, so I'm using some logic on this. First of all, and mind you I'm trying very hard not to rationalize, I wasn't with you. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't become aware of you until after that happened. That's a calming thought. Second, my past is my past, you've accepted that and I need to. I feel guilty about being diagnosed with a disease (since this version is for my blog I'll just say it's an STD, not AIDS). It's like it's all my fault. I mean it IS. And aren't I already paying the consequences? What am I worried about? You know the score on my past. You know the risks. You love me regardless..... I'm scared of losing your love. You love me so well, but sometimes you get so mad at me, like I'm not the man you pictured yourself with. That's why I try to be very real about who I am. If I lose you at this point because of who I am, or because of my past I can't control that. No amount of talking will undo everything I have done. Only God can provide the forgiveness I seek, not you. I need to pray..... break for a moment, talk amongst yourselves.


to be continued

aha, a mystery

I think perhaps I finally am growing to understand the nature of love. Having met the woman I hope to grow old with, I must unravel the mystery of how to make her feel perfectly loved. Yes I have the words, I have the tools in that way, but what are her buttons?
I suppose it doesn't seem like a big thing but it is. I have been puzzling all day on quite a puzzle. In a documentary, well a TED talk, and they said the brain has three attachments. The sexual, the romantic and the long term. Now according to the good doctor they can be separate people. My desire is that they not. Because if they are, then that leads logically to cheating and I won't stand for it. So, for now, where I'm at anyway, I need to find reasons to be utterly facinated by her. I'm horribly attracted to her, but things are rather..... vanilla. Not that they aren't as wonderful as I could ever have hoped that vanilla would be. But I am... shall we say, intrigued by the prospect of trying to discover how to stimulate her, make her lose control, make her lose herself in our passion. It's a wonderful dream, a challenging quest and it will take everything I have and a bit of luck to spare to get there. But she does love me, and I can only hope she desires to drive me as wild as I want to drive her.

so..... yeah

I know, I only post when I need to vent... which is less and less lately, yes? Well only partially. I get less time to myself due to the new relationship (FYI: YAY), and when I do my roommate has kidnapped my computer and I have to wait, and then I have to get work done. Seriously I went from 40+ hours on or near my computer a week to getting maybe 12-15. Wow. I didn't even realize it was that huge of a decrease. No wonder my work and this has been neglected. So seriously sorry to any readers and naturally to my future self that the past few weeks have not been documented enough.
So... it's just alot of frustration right now. I carve out time to spend with my roommate in hopes to help her deal with her issues and so I can get my computer back more...................... and FUCK I am pissed that she doesn't understand I'm trying to make time for her. Obviously living with her makes her think that she has some sort of right to my time.
Also all is not perfect with the relationship. I mean I love Sarah. Note that first. She's amazing, sweet, beautiful, and rather sexy. I mean I've felt closer with her at times than with anyone. BUT, and this is a big BUT, there are irritants. Which I should be talking about with ANYONE but ranting into my blog. Yet I'm not. I'm just not there with any of my friends. I mean this used to be something I would talk about with Nikki.... but, and this is an irritant, Nikki and I are trying to redefine our boundaries. Well we were. BUT, she's on the phone. What happened was we got back after having this great evening drinking and hanging out with new friends....... just talked with her. Hang out, I'll be back.

My 2012 Political Platform

So for those of you who don't know, I am running for president 2012, to oppose the madness in this race. First of all I was born in America, Dallas Texas to two American parents. I have my birth certificate and can produce it on request.

So let's begin, my stance issue by issue:
Space Travel: In my mind one of the most important overlooked issues this election. I think that NASA needs to focus less on what limited things it can do with it's budget and using that budget to market space as a place that the free market needs to push humanity into. Space prospecting is what I'm talking about. Humans need to have sufficient motivation to get into space. We can move energy towards using things that are abundant both on our home world and in space (Hydrogen anyone?). We can prospect for metals that are useful enough to justify the expense of a space mining operation. It's a long shot but we can start working on colony development and helping the development of travel and real estate in space. Also I pledge to put Newt Gingrich on the moon in my second term. No one said anything about oxygen. But I do think that's where he belongs. Perhaps leading a moon colony of ultra conservatives. We seem to have a glut of those people who are not happy in america anymore.
Women's reproductive health: This is also a major issue. Women deserve the right to be healthy, and to make up their own mind. If they determine they need birth control it should be available. I have lost track of the number of stories I've heard about young women who have not had access to good protection and have had their futures marred by having a child too early. Another thing we must do is support our young mothers. This law that says a single parent is grounds for abuse charges is prejudice. Regardless of whether couples are a better environment it is wrong to take a child from a mother just because the father walked out, and vice versa.
Economy: Flat out, Washington must not be a wholly owned subsidy of this nation's big business interests. Yes business is the heart of our economy, and as long as they are keeping and producing good jobs here at home they should be rewarded. But those rewards should not become bribes and corrupt. If a business is corrupt and wants to be treated like a person the penalties should be more than financial, it should be the death of the institution. Yes I want a death penalty for businesses that rely on criminal activities and mistreatment of their employees the basis of being successful in business. But since we can't send these entities to the electric chair, they must be nationalized. Then the nation can temporarily run the business, then break it up and sell it off to the competitors. Being a monopoly should be illegal. I would be a monopoly buster for this country.
Prayer in school: Religion should not be taught in public school. End of story, because if the government becomes responsible for children's religious education that's too much responsibility. It should not be illegal, but you don't have the right to force your values in the face of other people's children. That's an attack. Furthermore it's what this country was founded trying to avoid. Be aware of the history of the church.

That covers the basics, email me with questions.

Why there is no point to the midwest

For those of you who don't live in the central US, you may have some idyllic vision of the midwest as the sort of place where family values still roam free, small town values are held up high and life is still as great as it was back in the good old days. Well if you're a fundamentalist republican christian woman, you're damn well set.
Now if you are anything else, this place is hell. Now I'm not saying it's the third world, please hear me out. Living in america is still miles above living conditions in many places. As far as making money? Easy as anything, I'm not going to lie. But if you have a desire to mate, and you immigrate here, you'd better bring the good women with you because this place is a fucking deathtrap for men. There are tons and tons of intelligent men, or men with more charm and good looks, or more money. No matter what you do you'll always be combing through the leftover fat women with 2+ kids and no damn brain. So yes, you can have sex, sometimes, and if you are willing to comb through more spam than could feed all of England for a year. You can have kids, lord knows these dumb country bitches are easy enough. Hey on that topic if you mention God you get a two for one special. But if you ever meet an intelligent girl, she doesn't want to be here. She has to have come on some hard times. It's like if you find an intelligent sweet girl at a strip club, hard times have hit her hard buddy and be prepared to deal with some major damage. I'm not saying I'm a catch, I know that there are men smarter and more handsome than me, with bigger dicks who care less about women. I'm working on all of those that I can. Oh I forgot money, which is all that really matters to these women.
I recently decided to serve out the rest of my time here and leave for the coast, where the women and money flow like the wine that they grow there. God, San Francisco is like HEAVEN compared to the purgatory that is Oklahoma. The only good thing about Oklahoma is what it isn't, namely: Texas, Kansas, Arkansas, Missouri, Nebraska and North and South Dakota. God help you if you live in one of those. Actually if you have a brain and live in one of those I'm sure you get out while you can. Personally I got tricked by my ex into buying a house here and now I have no choice but to live here until I can sell and make a profit. DAMN I hate it here.

now I've stayed up 3 hours later than I wanted to, just to try and get laid. Yes I am pretty damn desperate apparently.... lots of response, just gotta keep farming HARD to get what I want. What I want... HA, as if there is such a thing. 

falling out

So I am very aware that I'm not posting like I was, and I'm sorry for that. I'm trying to be busy with my life, which is really just because Nikki is back in it. We got in a fight tonight because she doesn't want to get attached to anyone... ever. So fuck that. Anyway she has a friend she's trying to hook me up with now, which is neither here nor there because it's still in the interview phase and nothing has come of it.
Got offered and took the offer for a promotion from Dad, will talk about that as needed but suffice to say it's enough money to take care of my needs and I wouldn't have to feel guilty. Now if I can just do the work.
Back at school, feeling isolated as always.... New class, does nothing for me, none of them do right now. Honestly, and I feel shame for this, I think I'm too advanced for these classes. Hence, they bore me. Oh well. Such is the life of a student.
I'm really pushing myself at the gym, moving over 100 pounds this week. Still need to hit the gym early to get in the pool time I desire. The gym is pretty much the best part of my life right now.
Nikki got a puppy, it's cute.
I'm not smoking as much, mostly for my lungs but also for my wallet. I'm hoping to get really messed up over spring break... thus are my hopes.

finally got myself to cry

Last night I finally got myself to cry. Which was nice. I was going through my old pictures... remembering what it was like when my life worked. And I cried. Because life doesn't really work right now. So... yeah. I don't want to feel like that right now so I'm going to the gym... Nikki is here. And she's not wanting me.... how.... disappointing. But she's on her period which is making it easier to get over her.

(Also this is post 100) Cheers.

casual dating and morality

In the area of things that are just plain silly I would like to take a moment to discuss this thing called casual dating. To begin with I am relatively new to the concept, originally I would date one girl at a time and try and get her into a relationship. Didn't work out that well. Anyway, last night I was chatting with a somewhat attractive girl, I was interested at any rate. We were getting on ok, and so in the Q and A I brought up sex. And she explodes all over me about how immoral I am. That should have been the end of it, but I pushed on, installed a patch on that area, and moved onward. Somehow it came up that I had had some feelings for Nikki, and she accused me of leading her on. No, leading on would be me telling HER that I felt anything for her at that point. At the point of having spoken with me for less than a week a woman does not have ANY ability to dictate what happens in my life. Heck, a woman that has been in my life for some time only gets any say because I give it to them, and that doesn't always happen. No woman I am dating right now has any exclusive rights to me. That is the nature of casual dating. Furthermore, none of them has done anything that would give them any such rights. Having sex with me gives a woman some rights to exclusivity, so I'll probably do a status check before dating more women. If a woman fell in love with me and I felt the same, yeah, I would be exclusive with her with a good amount of certainty.

A commitment is not a commitment until both people enter into the agreement. I can't owe money for something I don't own. What's so complicated about this? Does this woman WANT to claim ownership? Well we've got all the forms over here HOLD ON, what is the basis of your claim?

This strikes me as a christian woman problem. The same as the no sex before marriage issue. It's.... just plain stupid. But then the church LIKES stupid, so there you are. Look, I get that you are insecure and need to project it on someone else, but I already served my time in that jail. I payed my bill for that at the office.

Now on this issue I want to make something clear. IF Nikki had feelings for me, IF Nikki and I were sleeping together, or living together, or attached by anything more sophisticated than crazy glue we would be together. Nikki's feelings for me are somewhat a mystery. And we have determined moving back and putting things on sloooow is the move that is best for her. See, because she earned the right to get some concessions from me. Now with these particular concessions she gave me back my ability to date around. Freedom, all that shit. That's what makes good agreements, both people get something. She gets all the time she needs to figure herself out, I get the option to keep looking, and it's possible I might find someone else.

evil pageview number

So for those of you who are suspicious my blog just reached the devil's number for all time page views. IF you are superstitious it might be time to bring in some more people (gratuitous plug)

dreams of the sword

http://www.cashanwei.com/prod_Detail.aspx?id=SH2076&name=Practical%20Mortuary%20Sword
I should be getting this sword this week. Yes. While normally I wouldn't broadcast what I'm buying, this is currently the most interesting thing in my life.
In other news.... I had a witch cast a spell to remove my feeling for my ex wife.... and so far so good on that. Wow.... sounds even crazier typing it than thinking it. Anyway, I have no idea whether it's the spell, or the fact that we know meditation works, or just that getting emotions out works.... but I don't feel a desire to linger on this subject any longer... still a little close for comfort.
And while we are on the subject of emotions I can't do anything with.... I saw Nikki again last night. It was the first time since the break up we had hung out. And yes, there is still some feeling there. Fading, but there. She's so beautiful. We sang show tunes together... God I just wanted to kiss her. Things I can't have eh? She talked about how writing turns her on... you'd think I would, I mean I think I'm a decent writer. She said it got her nipples hard actually. mmmm, if I could have done something about it then I would have. Daydreams are sometimes as good as it gets. I wrote her a love note today..... *shrug* seemed like a good idea.

In other news I have a few other women sort of interested in me... nothing coming of it yet. Everyone still insists that I'm going to settle down... show me the money is my policy. I have more faith in my answered prayer.... which I believe I've been praying about the way instructed for two weeks. Which I guess sounds at least to me like I'm counting out how long it's going to take for a reaction. Yes and no. Yes I would love to see it happen sooner rather than later. But No, I'm not surprised that it hasn't. When it happens it happens. The faith attitude I'm trying to take now is that it's already done... I'm just waiting for the reality of it to catch up with me. That's really hard, because I'm feeling cynical about not being there. It's frustrating believing what I can't see. Which I guess is the crux of all faith problems.

So back around to the sword, I'm hoping it will get here before class on thursday night.

Why I would rather listen to Bill Maher than Willie George

Ok, to start I suppose I should explain who Willie George is, for non locals. Willie George is a local pastor, one of the most well rooted christians in the area. For those of you who don't know I live and grew up in a city with hundreds of churches. Being a good christian in a town like this, being admirable is hard for christians. And that starts us on the road of why I don't.... trust.... christians.
Now, on the gut level the biggest issue is that aside from my dad, I have never met an older christian man that I want to grow up to be like. They look stupid on the whole. Ill informed, whipped, and completely in the pocket of the church. I want to grow up to be like Bill Maher. He's smart, he takes on the IDIOTS in this country, he's witty about it. People attack him, they call him a bully. Like Rush Limbough isn't. They're two sides of the same coin. Of course Rush is overweight, out of shape, and maybe a little delusional, but he's an admirable man. Which comes around to what is admirable. Admirable is standing for what you believe in, admirable is being intelligent, admirable is thinking for yourself. So when I hear someone who is all these things, I have to listen. That's all for the moment.

lithium vs illegal substances

Why is it legal for a doctor to give his patient lithium, but not lsd, crack or weed? I've heard the warnings for lithium. For example EVERYONE who starts taking it halves their life expectancy. Now that may be true of crack, or lsd at times, but not weed. I'm saying maybe some people would find a solution if all useful chemicals could be given out by doctors. Just saying.

In the veign of illegal substances
GIANT GIRAFFE COSTUME, IT's really gonna happen man. I'm gonna get a giraffe costume and dance around in front of things. I would be the mystic dancing giraffe... like a specter.

intimacy

I just had a thought about intimacy, that thought being that with intimacy orgasms should actually decrease (in my case at least), the meaningfulness of the relationship would make you capable of going longer without sex, not burning out, and not moving on to someone new. I know because it was once that way for me. As I loved her my libido went down, trying to find an even level. Hers didn't. Maybe I didn't make her feel loved. *sob* I mean that could be it couldn't it?
I mean my penis plays the part
my prostate doesn't play that doesn't matter anyway
cause I got a good liver and a good beating heart
Don't how to say this, don't know what to do
but when her love just isn't there
and though she cares her love just isn't there
I've never lost site of the far horizon that I seek
Though life's humbling and brief
I still believe in what I see
and what I don't
and what I will
I keep my eye on the horizon til the dream comes home
I know that she's out there, I just can't deny
that somewhere out there is a girl for whom I'm the perfect guy
And she'd be all I need, neither yoked to a name or the words on the paper, just yoked to your heart.
I've seen long depression
I've sometimes seen death
I've seen the dissolving of all that once was
I've seen some betrayal
I've seen some abuse
But none of that yet can be an excuse
Because when life hands you lemons you must make lemonade
When God furnishes you with talent you go out and seek your trade
And even though I quite agree that God has got the best for me
Until he's here and plans appear I'm moving on
I'm moving on until his voice is at my shoulder
I'm moving on until his breath is in my hair
I'm moving on until eyes are my window
I'm going on until his feet are at my door
I'm going on until he shows me the girl I'm gonna marry
I'm going until I know I shall not die
I'm going on I'm going on and on and on and on and on
I'm going on until I'm gonna die
I wonder why
He promised me life ever lasting, that maybe I would know no dying day, or if I did it would be the next logical journey, the next step to take my life upward growth
But life is tedious and poor
yet it beats down your door
and you can't help but be incensed
why should this happen to me?
I thought that I was better than this lord God right now
be ready for you and how I must be so inadaquit
Where is your aspirations? Where are they written down?
Don't give me your word for all.
I want your special word for me.
Give me the star to aim for
I'll be true to it from the start
Give me a love to walk with
Then you will really see my heart
But must you test me with isolation?
And tests of my strength?
Why all this training? What does it mean?
Why can't I be steady? Why must I be weak?
Yes there are you and I in this relationship,
But ours is a father son
Hers will be a lover to a lover
Best friend to a friend
The sweetness of that sweet vanity that you are perfect for each other. Oh Lord for that sweet vanity to be true.  For the sweet release that would be all your promises come true. You said ask and you will be answered, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. I asked, and I asked, and you've given me partial answers, but never a straight one. A straight one lord, which is the full realization in some way and total validation. There is nothing to fear Lord, I have been as faithful to my prayer as I could have hoped for, though I know it falls short of your glory. When you answer I will be all the more yours, and I'm trying to open myself up to that. I am a human, I need a bit of stimulation, surely you know how that principle in love works, you created love did you not?
Why must I love what I cannot have..... never can I have her total love. Who? I don't know who, my heart fell out and when I shined it up and put it back in it lacked a lady love. Someone I could do anything for. I see many that I see such potential in, yet either I fail the approach because I'm flawed too, or I fail the follow through. 

Anger

I'm going to try and talk about what has been going on over the past few days and how it made me feel. I had made a perfectly decent post starting to deal with all this but it accidentally got deleted.... I've been having trouble with my creativity lately as well.... I guess obviously.
I keep getting distracted.
So anyway.... after I posted that long thing in the morning about the exchange with my wife I got in a fight with my girlfriend. Well..... I think of it more as I released some frustrated feelings and she walked out because she doesn't feel a damn thing for me.
Then I went to bed.
When I woke up.... at some point I figured out the cat had died. Well, been killed. I think that pretty much did me in as far as surviving the fight. So the cat died.... then she tells me to take HER dog to the pound (I'm not personally harping on that, everyone else is.) So that's three animals down in a week.............
She's barely talked to me since. But I have learned that she plans to move out... into an apartment that she's signing a three month lease on. YEAH, this girl wasn't ready to commit to staying down here now signs a lease.... Didn't I tell you hurting me gives women wings to soar? Well I don't think I've ever put it that way exactly, but the concept is the same as the classic They hurt me/They get cool prizes game. Maybe I should advertise this. So I'm upset over that.
And all this has just been the tipping point for me being suicidal. I was going to do it that morning after she left.... really I think mostly because there was no one to stop me anymore. So I drove over to see my dad and was planning to get checked into the hospital. Then I sort of talked myself into joining a gym.
So that's the personal life news.
In career news I haven't been in class in a week. And I think I might have quit my job. The manager I don't like and me obviously can't cooperate anymore. *sigh* Alright? updated well enough?
Now, about anger. I'm very angry right now. I've pushed away everyone who could be hurt by the anger because I'm angry enough that I imagine anyone coming within 100 yards of me will suffer residual bad energy damage. It's addictive.... anger. It makes me feel in control, powerful and intelligent. I'm aware it doesn't make me any of those things.... Though at times it fuels the chasing of those things.
It's not that I can't stop being angry, I'm fully capable of it... I have the tools. What I lack is any motivation. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from suicide right now, that's a choice to stay out of the hospital. But I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.... why on EARTH would I stop being angry if it makes me feel good? Better than any human is capable of. Oh wait, they're capable just not willing. Gee I guess god really did make man in his own image.........Yet again I see the failures of men reflected in their god.

my unsent response to the ex

"I don't know what sort of response I was hoping for, maybe you actually acting sorry. Again, I expected too much. I'm glad you can admit you were lost, that's growth. I suppose that relegates my position in your life to the shrapnel you've put behind you. And I'm sure that's how it feels, that you can say "I made mistakes in my past, but now I've got a new guy, new life, new smaller waistline so the ends justify the means." And I guess they do. I guess you'll never have to know or care what happens to me. I'll just leave you with a final thought, since you're too distanced to actually hear anything I say or care. Who can ever trust a word you say? You said you didn't believe in divorce. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You stood at the alter with me  and said for better or for worse and when worse came you went packing. I hope you never have to get called to the carpet on your beliefs again, because under pressure you do whatever you want, screw the beliefs. You're a liar, a sinner, and the most loathsome creature I have ever met. You know what you look like? You look like satan, or the whore of Babylon, all masked up under all that purity is a cold blooded reptile. You don't love people, you use them to get what you want. "

her response... and my reactions

This is what she said. Not even going to correct it:
"So you know I read it, and we obviously see things very differntly. I know I made mistakes, we both did. I'm not going to rehash things I'm not even going to react to what you wrote. I admist I was a lost, confused, and stupid little girl back then, people change. I'm not sure what you would like to hear, wether the truth or not. I will soon have the money to pay for any expense to get my name off of that house, because that needs to get done. You're opinion of me can be what it will I guess, I always knew it would be that way. I have not tried to reconnect or be friends just because everything is less complicated that way. I'm sorry if I hurt your family, I never intended to. I never intended to hurt any of you. But I made mistakes. Everyone does. I forgive you for the ones you made."

This is literally how she speaks. I'm not messing around. People think I'm not over her because I feel anger. Actually now I'm in the mood to rehash some of the horrible FUCKING things she has said. Yes, she's earned this:

First, after rehashing all the SHIT for the divorce, she lays this shit on me, on 10/3/10
"Ok, looks like you won't have to meet with the lawyer. I'm meeting with him tuesday at 10 and should be able to get everything taken care of myself. Before I go in, have you talked with the bank to make sure that you have everything in order to keep it, minus the 1750. Also, I need to know what the legal description is of the property. It should be on the house closing papers somewhere.

Why didn't you fight for this? For us? When we separated you just gave up instead of trying to become a better guy, why? Did you just never rally love me that much?"

Yeah.... apparently losing me was enough to knock out the ability to spell..... she's right she was a stupid fucking girl. As far as I know she still is. But hey, we're working through shit.

"I'm glad you're figuring out who you are, I am too. I'm a much stronger and happier person again. I'm sorry I can't take back things that were said, I know I was harsh. I wanted things to be able to work, but I wanted you to  change into what I thought you should be. If your sexual desires have changed then I definitely don't see how I could be with you. You know I'm strictly into men and wouldn't tolerate an open relationship of any kind. Plus you know how I feel about smoking of any kind. I think we were just very different people who were trying to be something we weren't. Also even though you didn't initiate the divorce process, you not talking to me and basically giving up on us was what I took as you're ok for the whole thing. I don't see how it could work now. Not if you're becoming more aware of who you are and what you like, which sounds like it's probably in a completely different direction from me."

"I do make decisions for myself. I don't like you acting like I'm the only one who is at fault in this situation though. I just wanted to try to get something from you before I made things official. You never once showed me you cared since I left. You couldn't even take care of our home. If you had truly cared you would have fought for me until the end, not give up. I don't care what you say, that is how someone should act. I have no idea what kind of experimentation you're talking about, but if it has anything to do with your butt, than I'm not up for that. I would like to be friends, which is truly all I feel like we could achieve. I have always needed a strong, hard working, christian man who take me for what I am and help me achieve my goals, and we would both better each other. That was never us. We were not partners in life, and that's both of our faults, but I practically died when I was with you. There was no end in sight. I would never have achieved any of my goals or dreams in life. I left believing that you were going to make changes in your life to become the man that I needed, but that never happened. Our home went to shambles, you started smoking, you never got a stable job, and were still living off of food stamps. I gave you 6 months, which is what we agreed upon. I've put my anger and hurt aside. I'm not trying to take anything out on you or trying to get you to make some decision for me. I just don't believe that if you truly loved me you would have given up immediately, which is what you did."

Fuck her. I'm done with this shit.

Post script. I just rehashed the whole breakup. Piece by agonizing fucking piece. She's still scum. She's still at fault. And after all this I know I was a fool to ever feel for her. I don't feel that way about her now. I feel very very heavy and sad. 

Goodbye letter to my wife

So I suppose I've had it brought to my attention that I haven't had decent closure about my ex wife, so I'm going to write  a letter to her, and that will be it. My plan is to send it to her email, and send her a message on facebook to read the email.

Dear Lindsay,
I know we never talk anymore, and we may never talk again. I realize that this may be my last chance to say how I feel about what happened between us. It may not matter in your case, but it matters to me that it's said. I don't know how to fully express the anger that I feel towards you for what you did to me and my life. You lied to me, you broke a solemn promise in front of me and in front of God. So did your family for that matter but I never cared for them much anyway. I tried to, but we know how that went. You knew how seriously I took promises. Not saying I kept all of mine, and I know I did not do everything perfectly. But that does not excuse what you did. Nothing does. I've been working on forgiving you for my health, but if it were not for that I would hate you until the end of my days for what you did. You took my heart, my innocence and my trust. You took my money and my time. Worst of all after you wounded me terribly you were never once genuinely sorry for what you did. I don't know how someone ends up in a position where they can do what you did and not be sorry, maybe it's the culture we live in, maybe it's part of your morality. But it was not acceptable to me. You have left a mark on my life that can never be removed.
Another thing I want to address is that you hurt my family. They brought you into their lives with the expectation that you were't going anywhere. And then when I tried to work things out with you, you insulted them. Hurting me is one thing, hurting those I love is something entirely different. They were the ones who picked up the pieces after my life fell apart. They have been supportive of whatever decisions I make, including when I considered making it work between us. Because that is what FAMILY does. You never understood that we were family, I would have supported you under any circumstances, but you did not extend the same compassion for me.
I want you to always remember that this was all your doing. You cheated, you left, and you found another man to love before our marriage was even officially over. I was almost ready to deal with that and you married him, without even considering my feelings on the matter. Of course I realize you never considered my feelings on any matters because it was your belief that I should have none. I was never made of stone. What you did in marrying someone, especially someone who obviously was everything that I'm not says something about your character.... or lack there of. But you're happy now, so obviously all this has worked out well for you. You've lost the weight you wanted to lose, and you have a man who was willing to support you financially while you did what you want. That's great. I guess it's still bitterness in my blood that I want to attack you for how unattractive you were/are, or for all the little things that I let go because I thought I meant something to you. Now that it's clear that I don't mean anything to you I wish I could feed you back some of your own medicine, but I suppose I don't have a heart for it. We could have worked through our problems, but that was too hard for you. I eventually DID solve my career problems, with no help from you.
For the past two years almost I have had to come to terms with that the woman I loved died the day you went out and found another man to cheat on me with. I never believed in cheating to begin with because I thought it was a nasty horrible thing to be unfaithful, especially to a spouse. Now I have even more problems with cheating, because I've been on the receiving end. So I suppose thank you for that. I should have yelled at you about that. I was too hurt to tell you how horrible you were for doing that. Also for not supporting me while I was trying to figure out what to do next. But supportive isn't you.
I do have some things to thank you for. Helping me get this house is one (yes we will get this straightened out sooner or later.) I did learn things from you, and I have some great memories from the time before it all went to hell. For being my first, and that gave me quite a bit. I gained confidence after all this. You gave me something to compare other women to, in which I can see much better what sort of woman might be right for me. I learned so much after you left about what matters to me, and about who I am. The things that I gave up to try and make us work turned out being more important than I thought. I realized that you were trying to turn me into something I'm not and eventually you pushed me farther than I was able to go. I realize I was probably doing some of that to you, or you were doing it to yourself. You never believed me that I found you beautiful, or that you could be yourself and I would love that person, but it was true at the time. I did love you, with all my ability. I never cheated on you. I don't know if I ever told you but I did get a chance once. Sometimes even now I wonder about that road untraveled. I have not found love again, or at least not anything like what you did, and now that wasted opportunity weighs on me. I didn't start wondering until after it was all over with us.
You altered my feelings on relationships irreversibly.  For example you made me realize that I deserved better than what you did to me. At the time I thought that was a great thing, but on reflection at many times in my journey I have started to wonder if what we were is the best women could give me.... and made me wonder if I should be with men because I have known men who are more trustworthy than you are... of course I can say now that I think I have met women who are more trustworthy and faithful. But you did crush much of my trust and hope in your gender. I've started to realize that all I can really hope for or expect from a woman is that I get good memories at the time I'm with her. Marriage and children require two people who are willing and capable of making a life long commitment. You completely and without a shadow of a doubt proved that you could not follow through on that. I could have. If you hadn't done what you did, which I'm certain now you did to wreck us, I would have grown old with you. I would have had children with you. I would have even joined the military if that had been what it took to make us work. But your commitment meant so little to you that you would rather go find someone "better". I hope he is. I hope it was worth it. I hope you never look back and regret a moment. Because you filled my life with regrets, in every moment I spent believing in you, that I married you, bought this house (it's been a mixed blessing), bought the car that was meant to be a family car... and now I may never have a family. You promised what you couldn't give. I mean I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, because I have yet to meet a more lost and not in touch woman than you.
It doesn't shock me that we could never be friends, and it shouldn't shock you. After all you did to me I can barely be cordial with you. And you obviously have no respect for me at all. I'm still trying to figure out if you were lying to me every time you said that you loved me. I mean how huge was this deception? Did you even find me attractive or was it all about the guilt you felt that I had fallen for you, and that we had given ourselves to each other before the wedding? Where you ever even really happy with us or was it all a lie? I was happy, but I've learned quite well that my perception and reality are very different. The most obvious example was when everyone dropped out of our wedding. They said it was because they felt like we shouldn't get married. I always thought that was because of my immorality, or my issues, I never dreamed it was because you were unstable. I wish someone other than my best man had put it that way. He told me you would take and take until I didn't have anymore. Man, hit the nail on the head didn't he? And then when I didn't have anymore, or so you believed, you moved on. Like some sort of human locust.... I shouldn't say such things.... but at some point someone needs to tell you the unvarnished truth of this story. I haven't killed myself yet, but I've lost count of the number of times I would have rather you poisoned my food one night rather than what you did to me. You left me broken dead and alone, without anyone for support but my family, and the man you left there died. As far as who I am now it's the man that came out of that rebirth. The man you married is gone, he's not coming back.
I'm sorry that it ended this way. From now on it will be all business again.
For the last time,
Love,
Max

start of a new epic narrative perhaps.

So I spent quite a lot of time last night discussing through all the crap that I've been trying to process for the past week. Things like being suicidal, dealing with my feelings for Nikki, trying to help her, to some extent trying to process how she's dealing with her stuff. Ok, look, I'm not getting to finish my thoughts any more because I don't get enough time with my keyboard to type out everything I'm thinking. If you want to know the truth that's the greatest frustration in my life right now. This is my best therapy I can get between visits to the doctor and I don't get to have it when she's using it to play music all night. (Country music too, I'm trying to like it, key word trying.) I just wish I could afford to replace my desktop, then I would use that all the time, or she could use it, it doesn't really matter to me since all I want to do is read articles, check facebook and play minecraft. Not big demands I think. I don't even get off much anymore. Oh and watch the shows I miss. Still, not much.
Anyway the point I'm getting around to is that right now I feel like a man walking through the desert, I know that there is water somewhere out here. So I'm walking in the direction of where I THINK water should be. Of course in my case the water is moving, but whatever. I'm deep enough in that it's my sincere belief that I'm closer to this water source than I am if I were to start going in another direction. If I were to turn around and try and hike back to where I came from for example (metaphorically speaking the christian world), it would be a much longer hike than just pushing on. The problem is the lack of a map, or any way to measure distance. I've subjected myself to shortage before, that isn't REALLY the issue. The issue is how long will it last? I feel like jews waiting for the allies to liberate me. Like in that movie Jacob Liar. I keep hoping that the things I'm seeing are signs that what I need is on it's way... but I don't know. My brain might be perceptive on it or not. My honest opinion right now is probably not before she leaves to go back home, which means the wait is pretty much indefinite. Because that makes the wait not just for her to come home, but for her to come back. Which is sketchy at best. *sigh* But that's how it is. You take off to throw a ring into a mountain.... which should be a simple enough task, and then you get stuck along the way. Kidnapped by orcs and the like. By the third book you don't even know why you're doing shit anymore. All you want is to take off the fucking ring and throw it in the mountain.... and then you can't because you've gotten hooked. Lets not go that far with the metaphor. 

well nothing happening now.... thoughts on that

So her husband Jon shows up.......... NOW for the explaination.
Yes, I did say I'd never sleep with a married woman... and I suppose life is making me keep that promise. Anyway he's gay, they got married because, honestly I still don't get it, to have a family I suppose..... I would have just moved in together, but hey.

I've been thinking about Lindsay.... for lack of anything better to do. She talks about her ex, her husband talks about his ex, I talk about Lindsay.... semi nostalgically with all the bitterness that lives in my soul. So finally I check her profile to see a new picture of her oggling her new husband. Life sure is kind to her. Nice to see it works for somebody. If I could just end all that, but I'm not capable of cruelty on any level.... so it would appear at any rate.

I'm thinking about going to bed.

life force dying

Great, this looks like it's going to be an interesting morning.

For one my libido is hiding from me like a scared child. It only wants nikki, and she doesn't want me... right now anyway. I deleted all my vid porn.... AAAgain. I don't like it... well I do and I don't..... too many problems. I don't like that she makes me feel this way and there's nothing I can do.
For another apparently something spiritual is going on. Not going to go into alot. Because it's not good.... well this part isn't. Other parts aren't.

roughness and not knowing what to expect

So I'm really trying to set my expectations lower. That she's not going to sleep with me, or kiss me, or show very much affection at all. But that's a very frustrating proposition. Today I did pretty much EVERYTHING a man could to make his girl happy. Woke up, got a haircut. Brought her cough drops (which she didn't touch), Made her coffee (she didn't drink), got rid of the dog she had suggested I get rid of (yes other people wanted me to but SHE was the major push here), went shopping and talked about the future. Went grocery shopping. Got home, got high, watched a scary movie and came on as hard as I dared. Not a damn thing my friends. Not a damn thing. I mean, she laughed, she had a good day obviously. Maybe if at some future point something happens I might attribute some of that to today's work, BUT I doubt it. Due to her past it seems unlikely at this point that she'll ever actually love me. Though she claims otherwise of course..... mixed signals. She laughs at me, drifts closer to me, sometimes it bed it seems like she wants to be near me, but then nothing at all. NOTHING AT ALL. This is a sexless marriage. *pout* Yes, I am aware I'm throwing a little fit because I don't get what I want. She's never going to read this so what does it matter? She no doubt senses my frustration, anger, pain and doubt. She should be able to sense my love happiness and need for her too....... for all the good it does me. In two weeks one way or another I'm meeting my doctor again, if she's here she's coming with me. If he says she's no good for me, or that it won't happen it just plain won't happen. If he says we need work, I'll do the work. If he says we're good, then I guess all the problems are in my head. I say all the problems. The one problem, which is Max doesn't feel loved when he doesn't get touched, or told he is loved. Many of the obstacles have been removed, don't think I don't notice. So maybe things will continue on the upslide. God only knows. Again today I thanked him for blessing me and my family..... I was warmer towards Joben today (both because I care about him and because I care about his mother). From my perspective I did everything right. I actually have done a bit more than I should have the past week.... trying to win her love. I mean I'm glad she's not super needy for my love I suppose..... always a silver lining right? On the dark side my libido has major issues right now. It hasn't been active in over a week which is dead in my world. Every time it starts up she's just like "keep dreaming pal".
Speaking of, I had a dream about my ex. My ex wife showed up and tried to seduce me. I come to find out she just wants sex with me, that she's now in an open marriage...... I was horrified. That's as close to a nightmare as it gets around here.
And speaking of libido I'm going to try and delve around and see if I still have one...... it must be here somewhere. Updates will come as I learn.

conflicting signals from life

Sorry to have been away from the keyboard for a few days, three day work weekend was the reason. Ugh, glad that's over. Of course I'm doing it all over again in 5 days. Anyway. Life is sending me some really mixed signals. For example on the romance front, I've been falling for this amazing girl, who I must admit IS my girlfriend (should I feel accomplished?) However, at the same time she's dealing with some junk in her own life. I don't want to trivialize it, she's trying to work out how her and the baby daddy are going to be parents to her kid (Max's Brain says "I told you so, she's not done with him.") So I've been trying not to be jealous. Friday after I was a particular jerk I bought her flowers. That also signified that I intended to be not so jealous again. Of course last night I was jealous. For one that he gets to hurt his ex. Anyone who has read my backlog knows that I dream of hurting my ex on that level. Of course I would have to have feelings for her and be capable of compassion towards the cow. *sigh*

So I flat out asked her, not me being jealous, me being me, "Do you still want to be with him, don't lie?" and she says no, and that she's working on getting close to me.... we'll see on that score. I could not have been more honest and given her a better chance. I told her it was obvious she had felt something for him and since she had something so wonderful with him she should be with him. GAH, is that so hard? If you want to pine over this guy for the rest of your life that's great, go do that, meanwhile I'll continue to sleep my way through the phone book because the woman I love doesn't want me. Every time I love a woman I can't have her. And that's when after being pushed away too much by the woman I care for I reach a compromise with a woman that will be with me. It really ticks me off that women that I want can't FUCKING want me. Am I this bad at choosing? Maybe I get with them because it's safe and they'll never feel a damn thing for me.

I try to have high self esteem, I try to believe in myself but when I have this huge FUCKING failure in the middle of my life it's hard to say "Hey Max is a great guy." No one else thinks so, obviously. So what am I supposed to do? This time I'm trying to be patient, because she's given me a shot and I've never had a shot before. This morning I wanted to cuddle. "No, you made me sick." Alright, first of all I didn't know I was sick. Second, if I was, and SHE's the girlfriend, shouldn't she have tried to help me feel better? The mind astounds.

So last night, after a marathon work day I come home and have to spend the evening having my jealousy poked at. So I did some shots... which was great aside from that after three I felt too sick to go on.

So in addition to all this after all that I have micheal tell me that he thinks that all that is standing in the way of my dream is that I haven't thanked God for the miracle. OK, first of all I did do all the faith stuff I'm aware of in the beginning with this thing. BUT, for the sake of that I still have dreams I'm going to do it. Every day for a week. Then see what happens.

just some mental bugs

So I'd like to note that most of these issues are bugs with me (and in case you didn't know so is most of my angst lately). To begin with I'd like to deal with what I woke up to today. I woke up dreaming that somehow I had been tricked into cheating on my girlfriend and had to tell her. It seemed so real that I really had no idea how I was going to tell her... especially considering that I don't cheat. In the dream a girl that I had been passingly interested in a year ago decided to seduce me. Which I have to admit that in the dream came off as relatively pleasurable in the short term. Because I'm not really that sexually active there is a weakness there of me being unsatisfied. A perceptive woman could easily see this. Now this is not me writing up an excuse for me to go do this unspeakable act... far from it actually. I am recognizing a hole in my armor and trying to devise a strategy to defend it. For now as with many of the issues related to things moving "too slow" from my perception the only solution is to be strong. *sigh* not exactly my strongest talent.
Frankly I'm not feeling very optimistic. But I am completely trusting her in what she says that sooner or later she'll get around to acting like she feels something for me. If not.... when she goes home I guess it would be over. Sometimes I think she's just doomed to be the one that got away. I mean here I am, supposedly having her, I don't feel very secure about her feelings for me. I'm jealous of many of the men in her past. Yeah, that's uncharacteristic of me to be jealous of anyone. I thought I was better than that. Apparently not. It's that she talks about having this great connection with so many of them. And what connection do we have? I haven't a clue. I mean I care more about her than most (if not all) of the girls in my past. The way it should be. But where do I stand in her heart? I refer back to my previous post, I don't think I rank highly. I trust her, but she's still spending time around a man who seems adept at seducing her. And how do I perform at seduction in this relationship? Horribly. I didn't used to feel unattractive but I'm not feeling particularly hot right now. I mean if I believe her it's all about her trying not to feel suicidal (aren't we a pair?), or that it's about her issues that she has to work through. I suppose that might be true.
Maybe the appropriate song for me today is this:
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Sadly for my potential offspring I generally fail at being a bad guy.

where I fucking rank

You know, I should be happy. I'm in love..... for as much as that fucking gets me. What really gets me is where I rank in this house.... well when she's around anyway (when it's just me I'm essentially king.)
Alright, are you ready for this setup?
Rankings:
Her baby
Her cat
Her Dog
Me
My Dog

That is how the living creatures in this house rank in her heart. Ok, so I get the baby, maybe even the cat..... fuck I'm still pissed that the cat gets more love than me. Not that I'm so amazing I'm expecting to blow them out of the water. I wish I could. You know this is the problem of dating someone with a past, particularly when that past involves a kid. I just wish for one FUCKING second she would see me, and love me the way I want to love her. But that's not happening. So I'm resolved to wait until either she figures herself out or.... I don't fucking know what. For a woman who has had no reservations about jumping into bed with whatever hard body of the week she's found for the past 8 years of her life it's rather shocking that if she cares about me so much she hardly wants to touch me. She says that it's harder for her to touch those she cares about. So basically by chasing a love relationship with her I've removed the option of actually receiving love. Is that what you're telling me? I keep hoping I'm going to wake up and find that she's discovered that "Oh look, a sexy, young, intelligent man has fallen in love with me, let's consummate our relationship so he feels secure and doesn't do something stupid." But no, the concern for me only goes so deep. I mean I think I've already established that in the grand scheme of things I don't amount to much in the eyes of women. I'm a meal ticket, I'm the guy they fuck when they don't have anything better to do and they're really just using me. I'm not a man they love.... this much is clear. Thanks God for all your FUCKING love and compassion. I'm sure when I'm in an early grave you'll be patting yourself on the back, job well done. If God's goal is to demoralize me and grind through all my hopes and dreams he's doing an excellent job. Actually it's a stroke of utter genius to give me the woman I've wanted for 6 months and not let me enjoy all of her. It's like saying "Here is the Delorean you wanted, oh but it has no [insert vital part], so you can't drive it, but it sure looks good doesn't it?" Wouldn't that make you just fucking scream? Yeah me too. Oh well, I wouldn't be getting laid right now anyway.... working 7 days this week.... woooo paycheck. Oh and on that subject I am terminally strapped for cash  right now and that's getting a little annoying. Staying alive is getting more expensive with someone else around. Oh and the baby woke me up this morning so I didn't get my little half nap before getting dressed that I am so partial to. Kid makes a good alarm clock though..... He's cute, I guess. If she's not going to stick around my bonding is going to end up being rather limited, just saying. Someone who can't touch me doesn't exactly inspire confidence that she's going to stick around. 

La Douleur Exquise! The exquisite pain

so the trick with writing is doing it both when you need to do it to keep things updated (check) and to do it when you need it to vent feelings that you are having trouble dealing with (working on that right now).

I've started picking up french phrases that I would like to entertain adding to my vocabularly. La deoleur exquise means exquisite pain. So very french. From the country of love comes the only words that encompass my feelings. Words are everything. Words are to me more than air and food and water and pain killing wonders that have spanned my life. I know (for example) that the only end to my current pain will come with words. Of course action would have to play into it too... or inaction I suppose. For all my macho posturing I'm not good at just sitting back and taking pain. I have to do something about it... hence me writing because I can think of nothing else to do about it. I'm not entirely sure if people know what's going on with me. Sometimes I posture as unreadable but I am doubtless the most readable man there has ever been. I am utterly predictable and I don't lie. That, in fact, is one of my worries. How on earth can I be exciting as a lover if I'm the most damn predictable guy on the map?

 She'll have to forgive me this ranting, because I do love her, but my worrying will not subside. It has infected my rather delicate stomach, which never has done everything a stomach should do to begin with. I just drank half a bottle of pepto bismal, and nothing, still sick. I keep swallowing air I think. I must be doing that. I want her love so bad and now it's JUST within reach. Imagine your favorite sweet treat (mine is generally rhubarb pie), one that you get maybe once a year, just sitting cooling on the counter. It will drive you nuts. You've been craving this for a long time, and now it's here and you cannot have it?! What's more when you have enjoyed other sweets the wait time was so short as to be negligible. As a man who gets what he wants it's hard for me to wait. Harder still to fall in love with someone holding back. Yet so I do, because she's......... beautiful, smart, and I think when she does reach the point of loving me she will be the most warm, yielding and nurturing woman I have yet to meet. Not sure of course.... damn it. I took some big risks to be here you know. BIG risks. I'm still taking risks the size of large stones sitting in an inappropriate organ (bladder or gal bladder, take your pick.)

I want her kiss.... I want her touch..... I want her to say she loves me and mean it with all her heart. I want to make love to her. Do you realize (polite and proper people shouldn't read past this) that I have returned to my teenage status towards sex, if not more pure at the moment. I haven't gotten off since she got here. This is the longest in almost two years. Because for one I want her, and two there hasn't been an oppertune moment to do such a thing (though as I type this I realize I do have some options if the need gets too great.) The pain, however, cannot be quenched through ordinary means. This is like a chemical fire, it's going to burn far too hot to put out. I'm not even able to hold it back. I smoked more than a pack today and it did not help.... at all. I drank myself into happiness the other day and that didn't last or help.

Cherchez la femme, look to the woman. If you want the answers about what is going on in my life and heart, look to the woman. I am looking to become a dad, at least a larger part because of her. But I need her love to do that. I'm not going to change diapers, make bottles and carry him around unless he's mine (I do two out of three now, and yes I do say he's mine when he's with me, and so does she..... you can analyze that all day long.) She's not good at communicating what I need communicating, or I'm not good at reading it or bringing it out. This whole thing is bringing up a few man issues, issues with  "am I good enough?" I feel like if I was I would have effectively woo'ed her by now. Certain other guys certainly had no trouble. Are they better than me? At least in the case of getting there first they are..... more thoughts later, I'm getting dizzy

feelings and stuff.... valentines day with a girlfriend, and how that is working out for me so far

So.... I guess life is good and difficult. Things are progressing, slowly... very slowly. And fast... rather fast. But I mean that's ok I suppose. As I said about all the risks associated with this relationship I believe it's worth it. She's shy, and I understand... I mean everyone has a past and it effects how things happen. I have a past and it makes things happen a certain way as well. Honestly I'm probably pushing too far. So today I'm trying to pull back. Her ex.... who is the father of her 4 month old, has JUST decided to contact her. The guy is trouble from my perspective. Because she "loves" him, but doesn't want to get back with him. It's confusing. He's the child's father but I'm slowly moving into fatherhood. Yeah, me a dad.... saw that coming (NOT). ((Sort of)) (((Stop being so predictive of the future life.... 2 years ago I was most mad about not having children with someone.... if this works out I will instantly have two..... yeah that.)))
So my fear is that he will decide to be with her. We've discussed all this already (me and her), and she says that's not the case. She says she's just shy.
Anyway I'm in a commited relationship.
I saw that one girl I was crushing on before.... and it was just like... nothing. I mean I could acknowledge that yes at one point this person WAS attractive to me. And that she is attractive in a way that I'm not going to pursue. 
So we told her parents and that went... well I suppose. My parents are a different story. They seem... unhappy, predictably so, at the prospect of me living with a girl.... and becoming a father.... We'll figure it out. We always do. But things are moving, we certainly aren't standing still in the relationship. There are still multiple things that we have to figure out so... yeah... you know. Stuff.

a frank assessment of my weaknesses

At the moment, I am nervious, and that, along with many other things, is is a weakness. Being aware of weaknesses is a strength, and it's a hard virtue to cultivate. But rewarding at times.
The biggest weakness I have at the moment is fear. I am virtually petrified of some of the things in my life. Of falling in love for one, because I have never done it before. I have a programmed in solution for that. That solution is what I will loosely call the "Jump Program". At some point in my childhood I had to overcome one of my earliest fears, the fear of heights. At the time I was developing my skills in scouting. Being a boy scout and being afraid are not compatible. For one there are the hikes, and the time in the wilderness that represents the ideal of becoming a young man. But boy scouting introduced me to one thing that would become a part of me forever, that is skiing. Skiing seemed like the most unlikely hobby considering where I started from, but from the first time I went down a slope I loved it with all my heart. But I had to push back some old fears. So I tapped into the beginnings of my programming.

 General Patton said "a good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow." And this is true of many decisions. It's often better to be decisive than to lose the opportunity to indecision. So when I am faced with something horrifically frightening, but potentially full of growth potential and hope, I will jump at it much more easily, because the decision has already been made. I remember once I took the wrong lift up the slope. I ended up on a way too difficult run, but, I found out that the only way to get back to safety was through danger. So I skied down, and I survived, and I learned that I could be preserved through strife to reach the goals I set. I care for this woman, the reward is worth it. The risk, it is frightening. Not just the risk of me screwing up. I screw up all the time. The risk is of it not working. I'm at the point in my affection for her the idea of her not falling for me frightens me. But my doctor said I needed to step outside my comfort zone, and so I am.

I have an anger problem. I take myself too seriously. I can be over sexual. In fact I would say I know far more about lust than I do about love. I have pride, and that I refuse to correct that in fact I augment it. I am working on my anger problem because a good man has control of his fits of passion. I learn to laugh at myself because a man easy to laugh is a man easy to love. I am learning to be sexual when appropriate, because man cannot live on carnal pleasure alone. I hope to fall in love, because love can preserve and last a lifetime, but lust is just for a night. But pride.... pride is something else. If you succeed at pride, which mind you I am only at the beginning of, you draw respect. Pride is loving you, pride is seeing what God created in you and smiling to know you are blessed and beautiful in his eyes. Humility has it's place, but it being a defining characteristic is beyond me. I suppose that's very unchristlike of me. But God does not say he plans to break our will, or our personality to have a place in our hearts. Look at David, Look at Solomon, those were not humble men, yet they were men God loved.

how will this story be told?

Something that occupies my mind to the point of obsession is frequently "How will I relate this story some day when it becomes a part of my epic narrative?"
Now I know that if I ever do set down a narrative of my life it may not seem epic to others. But when you look back on a moment, either in joy or sorrow, it is regardless quite epic to you. Well it is to me I should say, I have no idea what anyone else thinks about their past.
So I'm preparing to take a trip, and I consider this trip perhaps iconic in my life. For one, I deeply need 8 hours on the way there to deal with things in my life. For another thing, I'm going to see my girlfriend.
Yes, as freaky as THAT is to say, I'm going to see my best friend, and now my girlfriend. This is an iconic turning point in my life regardless. Even if I manage to screw this up (which seems unlikely), it will be iconic. She has been... unreachable for a long time. Now she has come within my reach. If only just. This is both a development for which I am responsible, she is responsible, and it is an answer to prayer so I must credit the Lord. That's a big fucking deal just in case you didn't know. Three people I respect, perhaps the three people I respect most in the world, arranged this. (In case you missed that I mean I respect my judgement, her judgement, and God's judgement most of all.) Where will it go? I don't rightfully know. I'm expected to take things slow.... not something I'm known for. God help me. She's worth it you know. If ever anyone could make me take it slow, it would be her.

This just in

Out of all the negative posts I thought I'd be posting this is the best news I can give. Number 2 has relented, she will consider dating me! Awww, YAY. you don't know how much this means to me guys. This idea has haunted my dreams for over 6 months. A year to be honest. I've always wanted a shot with her. It's not because she's the hottest girl in the world, but because I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. I love her as a friend more than I have loved anyone. She means something to me and now she's talking about giving us a shot. Maybe there will be no number 9. I hope so. Let's cap this horror streak at 8 and settle down... or so I can hope. At the very least I have a shot, a slim one I know, but a shot with a girl I care about. A girl I could love romantically as well as in a friendship way. I think quite a lot of people might end up being right. Good for them. Now if I can just get people to tell me other prophesies are going to happen. One step at a time I need to be reminded. The girl of your dreams is more than you could have ever hoped for. Be grateful.

Edit: THIS JUST IN on top of the just in ness of all that.
So 2 (who I can now refer to as Nikki) officially decided she was interested in being in a relationship...... .God has blessed me indeed.