2015 year end review

I'm going to try to draft and publish this in a single day. Of course I started drafting this earlier this week at home (in my head). I was home for a few days due to flooding. I read an article by one of my personal heroes, John Scalzi (scalzi.com, or just search whatever on google). In it he summed up some of his best pieces of the year. This is why I want to be like this man, because none of what I have written this year measures up to his average day. At the same time I am more than a decade younger than him, and not classically trained. I write because it's the only art I feel like I could be great at. He writes for a living. In contrast I don't think I could write for a living. That is a rabbit trail for another day, we have stuff to get through before midnight.

I think I'll do my personal review then talk about my personal feelings about new years, this past year, and marking the passing of time.

This time last year I was jobless, having just finished my worst semester of school. I was the same number of credits from graduation as I am now (about 9). I still think I'll get it done. At the time I just wanted a job to take advantage of my physical abilities. I noticed I couldn't be happy sitting for a living. Of course the dream would be doing something intellectually challenging AND physically challenging. I wanted to be a cable installer.

Now looking back I'm glad things happened the way they did. Not because this job has met my intellectual goals (it hasn't), but how I realized working for a monopoly was a rather relaxing thing. To be clear we subcontract for a utility monopoly. Another benefit has been the relative lack of customer contact. I did like the challenge of customer service however I see now my success here and at shadow mountain came from a basic fact: I like having the power to say no. I like being able to optimize my life for productivity, not to satisfy others. I did of course prefer the mountain for emotional fulfillment, and for challenge for that matter. There was no future there however. Here I have a future.

In personal news I finally read (well listened to) a great deal more Isaac Asimov than I ever had patience for previously. I kept it on for background noise many days and in that time I read all but one of the Foundation books. I reread the entire Harry Potter series and gained nothing apart from how very peaceful listening to that makes me feel. Another year gone is also another year of stability in my relationships. My fiance and I are doing as well as I could have ever expected a mature relationship to be. In other news I stabilized my chemicals, figured out the balance of anti-depressants and stimulants it takes to get me through hard days. I am also making progress on learning to live without.

I can't think of anything else. I don't want to talk  about the tragedies in depth. Our cat died, and shortly after so did my Granddad. Her granddad passed as well, and in all cases the pain was separate from me. I guess I expected different things from my granddad's passing, some kind of closure. He just passed one day when I was gone. Heck I was more involved with losing the cat. The cat was actually more heartbreaking only because of shock, she was only 2, and that's young for a cat to become incurably sick.

In 5 years of keeping this blog for therapy purposes I have never looked back in a ritualistic way. In the past I guess I thought that I would recap when we won. Sort of how General Lee in the civil war wouldn't accept the rank of general until he won the war... Since he didn't win the war, I guess that makes the title honorary.

It's more about memory for me than about looking back. I have come to the realization that I am going to be stuck on this planet a long time. Memory is a short term thing, even long term memory that we like to think isn't. For example I can't consciously remember my ex wife's face or voice. I can still remember how she felt to be around, but I don't know for how much longer. There are some things I refuse to fully record, when I forget them they will die. I doubt she even thinks about me. Heck, if I had won I wouldn't think of her much. I doubt general Grant thought much about Stonewall Jackson.

I don't mean to imply the war is over. Actually I don't mean to imply that Lindsay was my enemy. Life isn't that simple. Frankly I have always been my greatest adversary. The whole debacle wouldn't have happened if I wasn't weak, if I didn't have those holes in my armor.

It's been 5 years and I realize now that I'm not owed victory just because of being right. Not even because God promises it. Victory from his perspective could mean something entirely different than how I define it. Victory for him is me seeking him. Actually on that point he himself is my reward, so theoretically in spiritual terms I won. I win quite a bit in actuality. I have all the bells and whistles I could want. There are just a few things I keep seeking. I'm not even entirely convinced I am seeking them out of desire. God is my desire. I just have to keep my hands busy until he finds something better to do with them.

Passion

Interesting things happen when I pray. Not so much in a spiritual sense, or not yet anyway. More interesting in a philosophical way.
I was talking to God about this book I'm reading about "follow your dreams with God's help". Essentially thus far it's the same things I already know about it. God is capable of anything, even our huge dreams. God's with us when we fall. We come up against major resistance when we try and seek God. This I know. These things I know from experience.

In the end however only one thing could survive my current spiritually toxic environment, either my dream or my faith. I chose faith. I'm not advocating either way. I chose the way I did for purely ethical reasons, not practical ones. It's easier for me to behave ethically and deal with the practical challenges than to behave practically and deal with the ethical problems. So at the moment my belief in, I don't know what to call it... my dream, is in remission. I still very much desire it of course. If there was something I could do to move towards it I would be doing it.

What I realized though is I have no romantic or caring passion. I have passion and energy, because that's who I am. But as far as belief that things are going to get better.... I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how I would feel that way. God will do what he will do and he has done what he has done. My pain doesn't enhance that in any way. So I don't feel it. I'm fully aware of the meaninglessness of things, but it serves no practical point to dwell on it. I've come to terms that God has his ideas of what he should do with me, and eventually I might see them. Until then I keep going on the course I set back when I cared. I know the goals I have and cared about, and those are the ones I'm working on. I don't have any emotions about them now, because I am in total tactical mode. I care about what I have to, and nothing more.

In short my passion has become doing the best I can. I know there is rewarding work, but that is a distraction. I told God that at this point I don't even have a direction to point him in terms of career. I know I would like to care again. I'd like to not live in tactical mode. I'd like to not be dependent on certain organizations and things. My goals line up with those desires. As does my energy. Other than that, there is nothing.

I have gone through the desert, and I have survived. I have not yet reached the edge, and for me the edge is theoretical, as is God's direct movement on these large and abstract issues. I do not doubt his ability, or even his interests. I do not doubt. I deal with what is directly in front of me, and no more.

5-6 hours

Just centered and prayed for over 5 hours. Not the passive kind either... point being I don't have anything more than that.

My real problem

You want to know what my real problem? I have way more passion than my lifestyle requires. I constantly feel like I should be some sort of passionate painter, or writing tortured books with helpless old widows being raped by Cossacks. I just realized I know absolutely nothing about Cossacks... apart from their alleged rapist tenancies. I'm apologize in full to any Cossack I may have slighted with my under informed views. Point being my current profession of monitoring and taking care of pipeline isn't currently an outlet for my passion. Yes, I can passionately dig a hole, and passionately pound an anode into the ground. However passion does not make the anode more effective. I have not found that passionate shovel use is any better than apathetic shovel use.

Anyway I'm trying to store up my passion in hopes that someday it will produce a novel, or otherwise well constructed artistic endeavor. So far, no luck. Someday though, results.

The derailing nature of facts

I've noticed that as I discover core facts behind motivations and the way things are the less I can talk to ordinary people. That isn't to say that I don't listen. Sometimes I end up doing mirror therapy for others because it's easier than buying into their delusions. Mirror therapy is a technique used by the humanist branch of psychology. The trick is to ask questions in such a way that you focus the patient on what they are thinking about. It's great for me because it requires little effort and makes the other person feel good.

The particular fact that keeps bothering me is "When a being engages in an activity there must be a motivation." It's almost a law, because I haven't found an exception. However since I'm not a scientist, I don't have the time or resources to expand my studies and publish peer reviewed articles, my social science ideas remain unproven, apart from logically.

It seemed like that was a natural fact to live with. Of course people and other beings do things they are motivated to. The added idea that benefit to the person(or being, if I miss one of these imagine I said it, because I'm talking about beings here) doing something is the most common reason for action. It makes paranoia impossible, because reason takes it apart.

Every time I try to go down a road that so and so is out to get me I ask why. I have to keep digging to get to the root, but at the root hurting me isn't profitable for very many people. I'm a nasty person to get angry, and every time I'm attacked I analyze the motivation and make sure to sabotage my enemy's desired response. Further despite the emotional fulfillment of imagining a world out to get me, it's both unlikely and unreasonable. What would the world benefit using me as a punching bag? If they enjoyed causing me pain then driving me to my edge would be unwise given how self destructive I can get.

It's harder still when I see that others are living in similar delusions. I want to emphasize that delusions of persecution are very emotionally satisfying. I try not to think less of others for indulging in them. I can't join them however. I am presented with the choice of correcting them or allowing them to coast on. Given that I currently don't have any mentally taxing work at hand I like to correct course. I'm aware it may not work, but repeating reason brings me peace. Remember that motivation fact, because I only do almost everything I do because it brings me reward. If it doesn't, I don't do it, simple as that.

when you can't hide it anymore

I've had a sudden revelation, I understand why fasting works on getting closer to God. I had always thought the theory was that taking away the focus on food allowed us to focus on God.. That's not what I think now.

Today I had an involuntary fast. I lost my wallet (this happens at least once a week). I had to work on through. I thought it was going to be okay, I had my music, I had quality stimulants that kept me from feeling hunger. That was all great until mid afternoon hit.

I had been doing great, distracting myself with work, and suddenly my blood sugar dropped out from under me. I couldn't eat, even if I wanted to. Then all the hurt and pain came to the surface.

I have no idea if I am coming clean to myself or God, or the entire world. I realized I've been running, and running a long time. A long time ago I was told I was special, every therapist I ever remember talking to said I was going to be a doctor someday, like it was a given thing that I was so smart success was sure to happen. I believed in that, but I didn't want to be a doctor. I didn't know what I wanted to be, but not a doctor. By age 15 I had seen more doctors than most people see in their first 30. In my experience they were jerks. I know now that's not the case, I've met a few truly kind and caring doctors to set my view straight. I also know more about why they do what they do, and that I won't ever understand. I realized at a fairly young age I wasn't built right to be a doctor, or a lawyer. To get one of these jobs you have to make years of sacrifice. Sacrifice I'm realizing now I was capable of... am capable of. I just don't love money enough.

Money is the monster at the end of the movie for me. My dad was a workaholic growing up. He made alot of money, and was gone quite a bit for the first 10 years of my life. Then he got laid off. Not once but multiple times. I watched the toughest man I will ever know get taken down. When I got older I found out it was the market that did it. The Dot-com bubble burst and it was no one's fault. I realized somewhere in this journey that I could never rely on money to satisfy me.

So I turned to other things. My first marriage for example. Somewhere along the way I thought that family happiness was the end all be all. Then it all fell apart. I had thought that God would protect me, because I was saying I was following him. I wasn't though, I was following her. Not her fault. Well, me following her wasn't. She has her own faults to answer for... but I have nothing to do with that.

I did some serious self surgery, completely removed the belief in a happily ever after that focused on family. I tried to lean harder on God. He was with me through the recovery, 2 years of my life that I did nothing but heal. Then another 2 years chasing the dream of helping people. Yet the one dream I always had was freedom.....

My heart still hurt. 10 months of this job has given me way too much time to talk to myself, and to God for as much as that counts. The thing I can't seem to let go of is my failure. Like when my marriage fell apart.... I have to wonder where I went wrong. People like me don't end up in places like this, not without a serious substance addiction. Yet I got here in 10 short years. I don't believe that it is that I'm not smart enough, because I have put my entire mind on trying to conquer the situation. I can't do it, which is my way of saying I haven't found a way to. I know very well that God CAN, but will he? I don't know that. I know at this point very well that life isn't going to hand me whatever I ask for. Neither will God. I have to figure some things out myself. Usually the only way I know whether I do or I don't is if I do it or don't. If I don't, I know God is strong where I'm weak....

I just don't know who I am anymore. I had this image of myself, a force of nature, someone unstoppable. I had this image that I was likable, smart, and physically strong. I was (am) everything I was taught a man should be.

All I can say is God knows what he's doing. He cared enough to redeem me. He cared enough to heal me. I have to believe that he didn't save me just to have me endure endless humiliation and emotional pain. The world has failed me, in every way. Even other people fail me, people make mistakes. God doesn't. I just have to keep marching, trust that my God has a plan. I'm afraid, and tired, and hurt and broken. But I believe in him. I believe he can redeem anything and anyone. I believe that as long as I speak faith he's on my side... actually he's on my side even if I denied him. He's just able to do much more with faith. I also know that I don't have the whole story (thank god), and he's still writing it. There are things happening that I don't know about. And he's heard and answered every prayer, and there have been so many.