I had the vision again last night. It appears to be more vivid when a certain chemical balance is reached in my body. Which as with most other "evidence" only complicates the matter further.
I don't want to talk about the vision itself, because I already have and the content is meaningless compared with the implications of whether it is delusional, faith, or just a goal.
Initially it was my total belief that it was a vision of the future, that God had brought it to me and therefor my trust of it was total. Now we are entering my 7th year of coping with this concept. I still entertain the possibility of God as the source of what I saw. At the same time it doesn't have to be.
If what I saw comes into reality then it will most likely be God's doing, because as of yet I have no idea how to get there. Previously I have used my lack of means as evidence that it is a "God-sized dream" and therefor from God. That doesn't have any kind of logical standing however. I admit that God is above reason and his logic is beyond mine by a long shot.
The facts are these, reason or not, logic or not, my trust is in God. I don't really even know if I should be hashing over this, given that it is my job to cast my cares on the Lord.
It isn't wrong from a faith point of view to have questions, or even doubts. Very little is actually wrong... Lacking faith is wrong I suppose.
Which I don't. I don't doubt even for a second his ability to make the vision a reality. What I doubt is me. Yes, I'll admit that I am a wonderfully made creation, and therefor within me (and within us all) lies the ability to touch the supernatural. I am however quite flawed. I believed in something much more mundane that I thought I could do, and I watched it fall apart. I am lucky that I'm not in charge, because I didn't want to survive to see today. It is my belief that God will make it worthwhile, surviving. I can never again say that just because I believe it will be so.
I doubt myself because I know I'm a human, and I know that other humans I have trusted in have let me down. I made a mistake, believing that willpower and intelligence can survive anything. God is all that survives, and God is all I can rely on.
God, however faithful, is slow to respond on some topics. It is very frustrating to keep living. It's frustrating to understand that time is like a river. Right now I am forcing it to go as quickly as I can, swimming with the stream trying to get to calmer waters. I can stop time, slow it to a crawl and live in a moment for eternities. I did it, in year one and two of this journey. I still do it, from time to time, but lately it only lasts a few minutes. There just aren't long stretches of time worth preserving...
Which brings up an interesting point, God created all of this, even time. Every moment with God is a moment worth living in, and worth extending... However on a counterpoint all the abilities he gives us are worth using as well. I am blessed to control my personal experience of time. Some people can do other things, and just because using a gift means neglecting another.... many choices are binary, and the binary nature of those choices doesn't make one thing good and one thing bad. I could choose to process these feeling by playing my games, and sometimes I do. Sometimes I choose to process my problems by make them go away, by ignoring them. Even though facing my problems is productive in it's way as well. Writing is great for clarity and efficiency, which is why I choose it when I think there is something to figure out.
Regardless of which path I go towards I don't feel that I am betraying the other path by taking the one I do.
Fasting is a great example of how faith calls us to abandon reality, abandon the ple asures of this world to seek faith. However God also calls us to see the wonder in others, to tend to his sheep in service to him, and what is more reality focused than that?
Does fasting and it's reality separation hold more goodness than focusing on what is here and now? No, so point resolved.
I still don't know what my call is to do with what is in front of me, which is what matters at the moment. The journey I'm on right now is through the desert, and there are times that the best I can do is say no to temptation. The temptation is to trust in the dream, because the dream is good and trusting it feels good. That doesn't get me out though, because I can't trust anyone or anything else to do what only the Lord can. The other temptation is to drift from faith, because living on reason alone is tempting. However what a sad world it would be, without the wonder of faith. How meaningless my life is without God. Further I'd be lying to myself. I'd be betraying the potential of being the best me I can be.
*sigh*, another day, another step, another dream, and another wrestle with what it means to have hope in the abandoned land. Another struggle to be myself, and rely on him. That's what faith is; knowing you don't have to rely on him and doing it anyway. If we were just an evolutionary product I doubt we would be wired for faith. We wouldn't love romance, and idealism. Romance and idealism have no place in logic.
I keep dreaming the only dream of faith I know is sure, that with time comes clarity, and the time is coming of total clarity.
I don't want to talk about the vision itself, because I already have and the content is meaningless compared with the implications of whether it is delusional, faith, or just a goal.
Initially it was my total belief that it was a vision of the future, that God had brought it to me and therefor my trust of it was total. Now we are entering my 7th year of coping with this concept. I still entertain the possibility of God as the source of what I saw. At the same time it doesn't have to be.
If what I saw comes into reality then it will most likely be God's doing, because as of yet I have no idea how to get there. Previously I have used my lack of means as evidence that it is a "God-sized dream" and therefor from God. That doesn't have any kind of logical standing however. I admit that God is above reason and his logic is beyond mine by a long shot.
The facts are these, reason or not, logic or not, my trust is in God. I don't really even know if I should be hashing over this, given that it is my job to cast my cares on the Lord.
It isn't wrong from a faith point of view to have questions, or even doubts. Very little is actually wrong... Lacking faith is wrong I suppose.
Which I don't. I don't doubt even for a second his ability to make the vision a reality. What I doubt is me. Yes, I'll admit that I am a wonderfully made creation, and therefor within me (and within us all) lies the ability to touch the supernatural. I am however quite flawed. I believed in something much more mundane that I thought I could do, and I watched it fall apart. I am lucky that I'm not in charge, because I didn't want to survive to see today. It is my belief that God will make it worthwhile, surviving. I can never again say that just because I believe it will be so.
I doubt myself because I know I'm a human, and I know that other humans I have trusted in have let me down. I made a mistake, believing that willpower and intelligence can survive anything. God is all that survives, and God is all I can rely on.
God, however faithful, is slow to respond on some topics. It is very frustrating to keep living. It's frustrating to understand that time is like a river. Right now I am forcing it to go as quickly as I can, swimming with the stream trying to get to calmer waters. I can stop time, slow it to a crawl and live in a moment for eternities. I did it, in year one and two of this journey. I still do it, from time to time, but lately it only lasts a few minutes. There just aren't long stretches of time worth preserving...
Which brings up an interesting point, God created all of this, even time. Every moment with God is a moment worth living in, and worth extending... However on a counterpoint all the abilities he gives us are worth using as well. I am blessed to control my personal experience of time. Some people can do other things, and just because using a gift means neglecting another.... many choices are binary, and the binary nature of those choices doesn't make one thing good and one thing bad. I could choose to process these feeling by playing my games, and sometimes I do. Sometimes I choose to process my problems by make them go away, by ignoring them. Even though facing my problems is productive in it's way as well. Writing is great for clarity and efficiency, which is why I choose it when I think there is something to figure out.
Regardless of which path I go towards I don't feel that I am betraying the other path by taking the one I do.
Fasting is a great example of how faith calls us to abandon reality, abandon the ple asures of this world to seek faith. However God also calls us to see the wonder in others, to tend to his sheep in service to him, and what is more reality focused than that?
Does fasting and it's reality separation hold more goodness than focusing on what is here and now? No, so point resolved.
I still don't know what my call is to do with what is in front of me, which is what matters at the moment. The journey I'm on right now is through the desert, and there are times that the best I can do is say no to temptation. The temptation is to trust in the dream, because the dream is good and trusting it feels good. That doesn't get me out though, because I can't trust anyone or anything else to do what only the Lord can. The other temptation is to drift from faith, because living on reason alone is tempting. However what a sad world it would be, without the wonder of faith. How meaningless my life is without God. Further I'd be lying to myself. I'd be betraying the potential of being the best me I can be.
*sigh*, another day, another step, another dream, and another wrestle with what it means to have hope in the abandoned land. Another struggle to be myself, and rely on him. That's what faith is; knowing you don't have to rely on him and doing it anyway. If we were just an evolutionary product I doubt we would be wired for faith. We wouldn't love romance, and idealism. Romance and idealism have no place in logic.
I keep dreaming the only dream of faith I know is sure, that with time comes clarity, and the time is coming of total clarity.
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