lithium vs illegal substances

Why is it legal for a doctor to give his patient lithium, but not lsd, crack or weed? I've heard the warnings for lithium. For example EVERYONE who starts taking it halves their life expectancy. Now that may be true of crack, or lsd at times, but not weed. I'm saying maybe some people would find a solution if all useful chemicals could be given out by doctors. Just saying.

In the veign of illegal substances
GIANT GIRAFFE COSTUME, IT's really gonna happen man. I'm gonna get a giraffe costume and dance around in front of things. I would be the mystic dancing giraffe... like a specter.

intimacy

I just had a thought about intimacy, that thought being that with intimacy orgasms should actually decrease (in my case at least), the meaningfulness of the relationship would make you capable of going longer without sex, not burning out, and not moving on to someone new. I know because it was once that way for me. As I loved her my libido went down, trying to find an even level. Hers didn't. Maybe I didn't make her feel loved. *sob* I mean that could be it couldn't it?
I mean my penis plays the part
my prostate doesn't play that doesn't matter anyway
cause I got a good liver and a good beating heart
Don't how to say this, don't know what to do
but when her love just isn't there
and though she cares her love just isn't there
I've never lost site of the far horizon that I seek
Though life's humbling and brief
I still believe in what I see
and what I don't
and what I will
I keep my eye on the horizon til the dream comes home
I know that she's out there, I just can't deny
that somewhere out there is a girl for whom I'm the perfect guy
And she'd be all I need, neither yoked to a name or the words on the paper, just yoked to your heart.
I've seen long depression
I've sometimes seen death
I've seen the dissolving of all that once was
I've seen some betrayal
I've seen some abuse
But none of that yet can be an excuse
Because when life hands you lemons you must make lemonade
When God furnishes you with talent you go out and seek your trade
And even though I quite agree that God has got the best for me
Until he's here and plans appear I'm moving on
I'm moving on until his voice is at my shoulder
I'm moving on until his breath is in my hair
I'm moving on until eyes are my window
I'm going on until his feet are at my door
I'm going on until he shows me the girl I'm gonna marry
I'm going until I know I shall not die
I'm going on I'm going on and on and on and on and on
I'm going on until I'm gonna die
I wonder why
He promised me life ever lasting, that maybe I would know no dying day, or if I did it would be the next logical journey, the next step to take my life upward growth
But life is tedious and poor
yet it beats down your door
and you can't help but be incensed
why should this happen to me?
I thought that I was better than this lord God right now
be ready for you and how I must be so inadaquit
Where is your aspirations? Where are they written down?
Don't give me your word for all.
I want your special word for me.
Give me the star to aim for
I'll be true to it from the start
Give me a love to walk with
Then you will really see my heart
But must you test me with isolation?
And tests of my strength?
Why all this training? What does it mean?
Why can't I be steady? Why must I be weak?
Yes there are you and I in this relationship,
But ours is a father son
Hers will be a lover to a lover
Best friend to a friend
The sweetness of that sweet vanity that you are perfect for each other. Oh Lord for that sweet vanity to be true.  For the sweet release that would be all your promises come true. You said ask and you will be answered, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. I asked, and I asked, and you've given me partial answers, but never a straight one. A straight one lord, which is the full realization in some way and total validation. There is nothing to fear Lord, I have been as faithful to my prayer as I could have hoped for, though I know it falls short of your glory. When you answer I will be all the more yours, and I'm trying to open myself up to that. I am a human, I need a bit of stimulation, surely you know how that principle in love works, you created love did you not?
Why must I love what I cannot have..... never can I have her total love. Who? I don't know who, my heart fell out and when I shined it up and put it back in it lacked a lady love. Someone I could do anything for. I see many that I see such potential in, yet either I fail the approach because I'm flawed too, or I fail the follow through. 

Anger

I'm going to try and talk about what has been going on over the past few days and how it made me feel. I had made a perfectly decent post starting to deal with all this but it accidentally got deleted.... I've been having trouble with my creativity lately as well.... I guess obviously.
I keep getting distracted.
So anyway.... after I posted that long thing in the morning about the exchange with my wife I got in a fight with my girlfriend. Well..... I think of it more as I released some frustrated feelings and she walked out because she doesn't feel a damn thing for me.
Then I went to bed.
When I woke up.... at some point I figured out the cat had died. Well, been killed. I think that pretty much did me in as far as surviving the fight. So the cat died.... then she tells me to take HER dog to the pound (I'm not personally harping on that, everyone else is.) So that's three animals down in a week.............
She's barely talked to me since. But I have learned that she plans to move out... into an apartment that she's signing a three month lease on. YEAH, this girl wasn't ready to commit to staying down here now signs a lease.... Didn't I tell you hurting me gives women wings to soar? Well I don't think I've ever put it that way exactly, but the concept is the same as the classic They hurt me/They get cool prizes game. Maybe I should advertise this. So I'm upset over that.
And all this has just been the tipping point for me being suicidal. I was going to do it that morning after she left.... really I think mostly because there was no one to stop me anymore. So I drove over to see my dad and was planning to get checked into the hospital. Then I sort of talked myself into joining a gym.
So that's the personal life news.
In career news I haven't been in class in a week. And I think I might have quit my job. The manager I don't like and me obviously can't cooperate anymore. *sigh* Alright? updated well enough?
Now, about anger. I'm very angry right now. I've pushed away everyone who could be hurt by the anger because I'm angry enough that I imagine anyone coming within 100 yards of me will suffer residual bad energy damage. It's addictive.... anger. It makes me feel in control, powerful and intelligent. I'm aware it doesn't make me any of those things.... Though at times it fuels the chasing of those things.
It's not that I can't stop being angry, I'm fully capable of it... I have the tools. What I lack is any motivation. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from suicide right now, that's a choice to stay out of the hospital. But I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.... why on EARTH would I stop being angry if it makes me feel good? Better than any human is capable of. Oh wait, they're capable just not willing. Gee I guess god really did make man in his own image.........Yet again I see the failures of men reflected in their god.

my unsent response to the ex

"I don't know what sort of response I was hoping for, maybe you actually acting sorry. Again, I expected too much. I'm glad you can admit you were lost, that's growth. I suppose that relegates my position in your life to the shrapnel you've put behind you. And I'm sure that's how it feels, that you can say "I made mistakes in my past, but now I've got a new guy, new life, new smaller waistline so the ends justify the means." And I guess they do. I guess you'll never have to know or care what happens to me. I'll just leave you with a final thought, since you're too distanced to actually hear anything I say or care. Who can ever trust a word you say? You said you didn't believe in divorce. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You stood at the alter with me  and said for better or for worse and when worse came you went packing. I hope you never have to get called to the carpet on your beliefs again, because under pressure you do whatever you want, screw the beliefs. You're a liar, a sinner, and the most loathsome creature I have ever met. You know what you look like? You look like satan, or the whore of Babylon, all masked up under all that purity is a cold blooded reptile. You don't love people, you use them to get what you want. "

her response... and my reactions

This is what she said. Not even going to correct it:
"So you know I read it, and we obviously see things very differntly. I know I made mistakes, we both did. I'm not going to rehash things I'm not even going to react to what you wrote. I admist I was a lost, confused, and stupid little girl back then, people change. I'm not sure what you would like to hear, wether the truth or not. I will soon have the money to pay for any expense to get my name off of that house, because that needs to get done. You're opinion of me can be what it will I guess, I always knew it would be that way. I have not tried to reconnect or be friends just because everything is less complicated that way. I'm sorry if I hurt your family, I never intended to. I never intended to hurt any of you. But I made mistakes. Everyone does. I forgive you for the ones you made."

This is literally how she speaks. I'm not messing around. People think I'm not over her because I feel anger. Actually now I'm in the mood to rehash some of the horrible FUCKING things she has said. Yes, she's earned this:

First, after rehashing all the SHIT for the divorce, she lays this shit on me, on 10/3/10
"Ok, looks like you won't have to meet with the lawyer. I'm meeting with him tuesday at 10 and should be able to get everything taken care of myself. Before I go in, have you talked with the bank to make sure that you have everything in order to keep it, minus the 1750. Also, I need to know what the legal description is of the property. It should be on the house closing papers somewhere.

Why didn't you fight for this? For us? When we separated you just gave up instead of trying to become a better guy, why? Did you just never rally love me that much?"

Yeah.... apparently losing me was enough to knock out the ability to spell..... she's right she was a stupid fucking girl. As far as I know she still is. But hey, we're working through shit.

"I'm glad you're figuring out who you are, I am too. I'm a much stronger and happier person again. I'm sorry I can't take back things that were said, I know I was harsh. I wanted things to be able to work, but I wanted you to  change into what I thought you should be. If your sexual desires have changed then I definitely don't see how I could be with you. You know I'm strictly into men and wouldn't tolerate an open relationship of any kind. Plus you know how I feel about smoking of any kind. I think we were just very different people who were trying to be something we weren't. Also even though you didn't initiate the divorce process, you not talking to me and basically giving up on us was what I took as you're ok for the whole thing. I don't see how it could work now. Not if you're becoming more aware of who you are and what you like, which sounds like it's probably in a completely different direction from me."

"I do make decisions for myself. I don't like you acting like I'm the only one who is at fault in this situation though. I just wanted to try to get something from you before I made things official. You never once showed me you cared since I left. You couldn't even take care of our home. If you had truly cared you would have fought for me until the end, not give up. I don't care what you say, that is how someone should act. I have no idea what kind of experimentation you're talking about, but if it has anything to do with your butt, than I'm not up for that. I would like to be friends, which is truly all I feel like we could achieve. I have always needed a strong, hard working, christian man who take me for what I am and help me achieve my goals, and we would both better each other. That was never us. We were not partners in life, and that's both of our faults, but I practically died when I was with you. There was no end in sight. I would never have achieved any of my goals or dreams in life. I left believing that you were going to make changes in your life to become the man that I needed, but that never happened. Our home went to shambles, you started smoking, you never got a stable job, and were still living off of food stamps. I gave you 6 months, which is what we agreed upon. I've put my anger and hurt aside. I'm not trying to take anything out on you or trying to get you to make some decision for me. I just don't believe that if you truly loved me you would have given up immediately, which is what you did."

Fuck her. I'm done with this shit.

Post script. I just rehashed the whole breakup. Piece by agonizing fucking piece. She's still scum. She's still at fault. And after all this I know I was a fool to ever feel for her. I don't feel that way about her now. I feel very very heavy and sad. 

Goodbye letter to my wife

So I suppose I've had it brought to my attention that I haven't had decent closure about my ex wife, so I'm going to write  a letter to her, and that will be it. My plan is to send it to her email, and send her a message on facebook to read the email.

Dear Lindsay,
I know we never talk anymore, and we may never talk again. I realize that this may be my last chance to say how I feel about what happened between us. It may not matter in your case, but it matters to me that it's said. I don't know how to fully express the anger that I feel towards you for what you did to me and my life. You lied to me, you broke a solemn promise in front of me and in front of God. So did your family for that matter but I never cared for them much anyway. I tried to, but we know how that went. You knew how seriously I took promises. Not saying I kept all of mine, and I know I did not do everything perfectly. But that does not excuse what you did. Nothing does. I've been working on forgiving you for my health, but if it were not for that I would hate you until the end of my days for what you did. You took my heart, my innocence and my trust. You took my money and my time. Worst of all after you wounded me terribly you were never once genuinely sorry for what you did. I don't know how someone ends up in a position where they can do what you did and not be sorry, maybe it's the culture we live in, maybe it's part of your morality. But it was not acceptable to me. You have left a mark on my life that can never be removed.
Another thing I want to address is that you hurt my family. They brought you into their lives with the expectation that you were't going anywhere. And then when I tried to work things out with you, you insulted them. Hurting me is one thing, hurting those I love is something entirely different. They were the ones who picked up the pieces after my life fell apart. They have been supportive of whatever decisions I make, including when I considered making it work between us. Because that is what FAMILY does. You never understood that we were family, I would have supported you under any circumstances, but you did not extend the same compassion for me.
I want you to always remember that this was all your doing. You cheated, you left, and you found another man to love before our marriage was even officially over. I was almost ready to deal with that and you married him, without even considering my feelings on the matter. Of course I realize you never considered my feelings on any matters because it was your belief that I should have none. I was never made of stone. What you did in marrying someone, especially someone who obviously was everything that I'm not says something about your character.... or lack there of. But you're happy now, so obviously all this has worked out well for you. You've lost the weight you wanted to lose, and you have a man who was willing to support you financially while you did what you want. That's great. I guess it's still bitterness in my blood that I want to attack you for how unattractive you were/are, or for all the little things that I let go because I thought I meant something to you. Now that it's clear that I don't mean anything to you I wish I could feed you back some of your own medicine, but I suppose I don't have a heart for it. We could have worked through our problems, but that was too hard for you. I eventually DID solve my career problems, with no help from you.
For the past two years almost I have had to come to terms with that the woman I loved died the day you went out and found another man to cheat on me with. I never believed in cheating to begin with because I thought it was a nasty horrible thing to be unfaithful, especially to a spouse. Now I have even more problems with cheating, because I've been on the receiving end. So I suppose thank you for that. I should have yelled at you about that. I was too hurt to tell you how horrible you were for doing that. Also for not supporting me while I was trying to figure out what to do next. But supportive isn't you.
I do have some things to thank you for. Helping me get this house is one (yes we will get this straightened out sooner or later.) I did learn things from you, and I have some great memories from the time before it all went to hell. For being my first, and that gave me quite a bit. I gained confidence after all this. You gave me something to compare other women to, in which I can see much better what sort of woman might be right for me. I learned so much after you left about what matters to me, and about who I am. The things that I gave up to try and make us work turned out being more important than I thought. I realized that you were trying to turn me into something I'm not and eventually you pushed me farther than I was able to go. I realize I was probably doing some of that to you, or you were doing it to yourself. You never believed me that I found you beautiful, or that you could be yourself and I would love that person, but it was true at the time. I did love you, with all my ability. I never cheated on you. I don't know if I ever told you but I did get a chance once. Sometimes even now I wonder about that road untraveled. I have not found love again, or at least not anything like what you did, and now that wasted opportunity weighs on me. I didn't start wondering until after it was all over with us.
You altered my feelings on relationships irreversibly.  For example you made me realize that I deserved better than what you did to me. At the time I thought that was a great thing, but on reflection at many times in my journey I have started to wonder if what we were is the best women could give me.... and made me wonder if I should be with men because I have known men who are more trustworthy than you are... of course I can say now that I think I have met women who are more trustworthy and faithful. But you did crush much of my trust and hope in your gender. I've started to realize that all I can really hope for or expect from a woman is that I get good memories at the time I'm with her. Marriage and children require two people who are willing and capable of making a life long commitment. You completely and without a shadow of a doubt proved that you could not follow through on that. I could have. If you hadn't done what you did, which I'm certain now you did to wreck us, I would have grown old with you. I would have had children with you. I would have even joined the military if that had been what it took to make us work. But your commitment meant so little to you that you would rather go find someone "better". I hope he is. I hope it was worth it. I hope you never look back and regret a moment. Because you filled my life with regrets, in every moment I spent believing in you, that I married you, bought this house (it's been a mixed blessing), bought the car that was meant to be a family car... and now I may never have a family. You promised what you couldn't give. I mean I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, because I have yet to meet a more lost and not in touch woman than you.
It doesn't shock me that we could never be friends, and it shouldn't shock you. After all you did to me I can barely be cordial with you. And you obviously have no respect for me at all. I'm still trying to figure out if you were lying to me every time you said that you loved me. I mean how huge was this deception? Did you even find me attractive or was it all about the guilt you felt that I had fallen for you, and that we had given ourselves to each other before the wedding? Where you ever even really happy with us or was it all a lie? I was happy, but I've learned quite well that my perception and reality are very different. The most obvious example was when everyone dropped out of our wedding. They said it was because they felt like we shouldn't get married. I always thought that was because of my immorality, or my issues, I never dreamed it was because you were unstable. I wish someone other than my best man had put it that way. He told me you would take and take until I didn't have anymore. Man, hit the nail on the head didn't he? And then when I didn't have anymore, or so you believed, you moved on. Like some sort of human locust.... I shouldn't say such things.... but at some point someone needs to tell you the unvarnished truth of this story. I haven't killed myself yet, but I've lost count of the number of times I would have rather you poisoned my food one night rather than what you did to me. You left me broken dead and alone, without anyone for support but my family, and the man you left there died. As far as who I am now it's the man that came out of that rebirth. The man you married is gone, he's not coming back.
I'm sorry that it ended this way. From now on it will be all business again.
For the last time,
Love,
Max

start of a new epic narrative perhaps.

So I spent quite a lot of time last night discussing through all the crap that I've been trying to process for the past week. Things like being suicidal, dealing with my feelings for Nikki, trying to help her, to some extent trying to process how she's dealing with her stuff. Ok, look, I'm not getting to finish my thoughts any more because I don't get enough time with my keyboard to type out everything I'm thinking. If you want to know the truth that's the greatest frustration in my life right now. This is my best therapy I can get between visits to the doctor and I don't get to have it when she's using it to play music all night. (Country music too, I'm trying to like it, key word trying.) I just wish I could afford to replace my desktop, then I would use that all the time, or she could use it, it doesn't really matter to me since all I want to do is read articles, check facebook and play minecraft. Not big demands I think. I don't even get off much anymore. Oh and watch the shows I miss. Still, not much.
Anyway the point I'm getting around to is that right now I feel like a man walking through the desert, I know that there is water somewhere out here. So I'm walking in the direction of where I THINK water should be. Of course in my case the water is moving, but whatever. I'm deep enough in that it's my sincere belief that I'm closer to this water source than I am if I were to start going in another direction. If I were to turn around and try and hike back to where I came from for example (metaphorically speaking the christian world), it would be a much longer hike than just pushing on. The problem is the lack of a map, or any way to measure distance. I've subjected myself to shortage before, that isn't REALLY the issue. The issue is how long will it last? I feel like jews waiting for the allies to liberate me. Like in that movie Jacob Liar. I keep hoping that the things I'm seeing are signs that what I need is on it's way... but I don't know. My brain might be perceptive on it or not. My honest opinion right now is probably not before she leaves to go back home, which means the wait is pretty much indefinite. Because that makes the wait not just for her to come home, but for her to come back. Which is sketchy at best. *sigh* But that's how it is. You take off to throw a ring into a mountain.... which should be a simple enough task, and then you get stuck along the way. Kidnapped by orcs and the like. By the third book you don't even know why you're doing shit anymore. All you want is to take off the fucking ring and throw it in the mountain.... and then you can't because you've gotten hooked. Lets not go that far with the metaphor. 

well nothing happening now.... thoughts on that

So her husband Jon shows up.......... NOW for the explaination.
Yes, I did say I'd never sleep with a married woman... and I suppose life is making me keep that promise. Anyway he's gay, they got married because, honestly I still don't get it, to have a family I suppose..... I would have just moved in together, but hey.

I've been thinking about Lindsay.... for lack of anything better to do. She talks about her ex, her husband talks about his ex, I talk about Lindsay.... semi nostalgically with all the bitterness that lives in my soul. So finally I check her profile to see a new picture of her oggling her new husband. Life sure is kind to her. Nice to see it works for somebody. If I could just end all that, but I'm not capable of cruelty on any level.... so it would appear at any rate.

I'm thinking about going to bed.

life force dying

Great, this looks like it's going to be an interesting morning.

For one my libido is hiding from me like a scared child. It only wants nikki, and she doesn't want me... right now anyway. I deleted all my vid porn.... AAAgain. I don't like it... well I do and I don't..... too many problems. I don't like that she makes me feel this way and there's nothing I can do.
For another apparently something spiritual is going on. Not going to go into alot. Because it's not good.... well this part isn't. Other parts aren't.

roughness and not knowing what to expect

So I'm really trying to set my expectations lower. That she's not going to sleep with me, or kiss me, or show very much affection at all. But that's a very frustrating proposition. Today I did pretty much EVERYTHING a man could to make his girl happy. Woke up, got a haircut. Brought her cough drops (which she didn't touch), Made her coffee (she didn't drink), got rid of the dog she had suggested I get rid of (yes other people wanted me to but SHE was the major push here), went shopping and talked about the future. Went grocery shopping. Got home, got high, watched a scary movie and came on as hard as I dared. Not a damn thing my friends. Not a damn thing. I mean, she laughed, she had a good day obviously. Maybe if at some future point something happens I might attribute some of that to today's work, BUT I doubt it. Due to her past it seems unlikely at this point that she'll ever actually love me. Though she claims otherwise of course..... mixed signals. She laughs at me, drifts closer to me, sometimes it bed it seems like she wants to be near me, but then nothing at all. NOTHING AT ALL. This is a sexless marriage. *pout* Yes, I am aware I'm throwing a little fit because I don't get what I want. She's never going to read this so what does it matter? She no doubt senses my frustration, anger, pain and doubt. She should be able to sense my love happiness and need for her too....... for all the good it does me. In two weeks one way or another I'm meeting my doctor again, if she's here she's coming with me. If he says she's no good for me, or that it won't happen it just plain won't happen. If he says we need work, I'll do the work. If he says we're good, then I guess all the problems are in my head. I say all the problems. The one problem, which is Max doesn't feel loved when he doesn't get touched, or told he is loved. Many of the obstacles have been removed, don't think I don't notice. So maybe things will continue on the upslide. God only knows. Again today I thanked him for blessing me and my family..... I was warmer towards Joben today (both because I care about him and because I care about his mother). From my perspective I did everything right. I actually have done a bit more than I should have the past week.... trying to win her love. I mean I'm glad she's not super needy for my love I suppose..... always a silver lining right? On the dark side my libido has major issues right now. It hasn't been active in over a week which is dead in my world. Every time it starts up she's just like "keep dreaming pal".
Speaking of, I had a dream about my ex. My ex wife showed up and tried to seduce me. I come to find out she just wants sex with me, that she's now in an open marriage...... I was horrified. That's as close to a nightmare as it gets around here.
And speaking of libido I'm going to try and delve around and see if I still have one...... it must be here somewhere. Updates will come as I learn.

conflicting signals from life

Sorry to have been away from the keyboard for a few days, three day work weekend was the reason. Ugh, glad that's over. Of course I'm doing it all over again in 5 days. Anyway. Life is sending me some really mixed signals. For example on the romance front, I've been falling for this amazing girl, who I must admit IS my girlfriend (should I feel accomplished?) However, at the same time she's dealing with some junk in her own life. I don't want to trivialize it, she's trying to work out how her and the baby daddy are going to be parents to her kid (Max's Brain says "I told you so, she's not done with him.") So I've been trying not to be jealous. Friday after I was a particular jerk I bought her flowers. That also signified that I intended to be not so jealous again. Of course last night I was jealous. For one that he gets to hurt his ex. Anyone who has read my backlog knows that I dream of hurting my ex on that level. Of course I would have to have feelings for her and be capable of compassion towards the cow. *sigh*

So I flat out asked her, not me being jealous, me being me, "Do you still want to be with him, don't lie?" and she says no, and that she's working on getting close to me.... we'll see on that score. I could not have been more honest and given her a better chance. I told her it was obvious she had felt something for him and since she had something so wonderful with him she should be with him. GAH, is that so hard? If you want to pine over this guy for the rest of your life that's great, go do that, meanwhile I'll continue to sleep my way through the phone book because the woman I love doesn't want me. Every time I love a woman I can't have her. And that's when after being pushed away too much by the woman I care for I reach a compromise with a woman that will be with me. It really ticks me off that women that I want can't FUCKING want me. Am I this bad at choosing? Maybe I get with them because it's safe and they'll never feel a damn thing for me.

I try to have high self esteem, I try to believe in myself but when I have this huge FUCKING failure in the middle of my life it's hard to say "Hey Max is a great guy." No one else thinks so, obviously. So what am I supposed to do? This time I'm trying to be patient, because she's given me a shot and I've never had a shot before. This morning I wanted to cuddle. "No, you made me sick." Alright, first of all I didn't know I was sick. Second, if I was, and SHE's the girlfriend, shouldn't she have tried to help me feel better? The mind astounds.

So last night, after a marathon work day I come home and have to spend the evening having my jealousy poked at. So I did some shots... which was great aside from that after three I felt too sick to go on.

So in addition to all this after all that I have micheal tell me that he thinks that all that is standing in the way of my dream is that I haven't thanked God for the miracle. OK, first of all I did do all the faith stuff I'm aware of in the beginning with this thing. BUT, for the sake of that I still have dreams I'm going to do it. Every day for a week. Then see what happens.

just some mental bugs

So I'd like to note that most of these issues are bugs with me (and in case you didn't know so is most of my angst lately). To begin with I'd like to deal with what I woke up to today. I woke up dreaming that somehow I had been tricked into cheating on my girlfriend and had to tell her. It seemed so real that I really had no idea how I was going to tell her... especially considering that I don't cheat. In the dream a girl that I had been passingly interested in a year ago decided to seduce me. Which I have to admit that in the dream came off as relatively pleasurable in the short term. Because I'm not really that sexually active there is a weakness there of me being unsatisfied. A perceptive woman could easily see this. Now this is not me writing up an excuse for me to go do this unspeakable act... far from it actually. I am recognizing a hole in my armor and trying to devise a strategy to defend it. For now as with many of the issues related to things moving "too slow" from my perception the only solution is to be strong. *sigh* not exactly my strongest talent.
Frankly I'm not feeling very optimistic. But I am completely trusting her in what she says that sooner or later she'll get around to acting like she feels something for me. If not.... when she goes home I guess it would be over. Sometimes I think she's just doomed to be the one that got away. I mean here I am, supposedly having her, I don't feel very secure about her feelings for me. I'm jealous of many of the men in her past. Yeah, that's uncharacteristic of me to be jealous of anyone. I thought I was better than that. Apparently not. It's that she talks about having this great connection with so many of them. And what connection do we have? I haven't a clue. I mean I care more about her than most (if not all) of the girls in my past. The way it should be. But where do I stand in her heart? I refer back to my previous post, I don't think I rank highly. I trust her, but she's still spending time around a man who seems adept at seducing her. And how do I perform at seduction in this relationship? Horribly. I didn't used to feel unattractive but I'm not feeling particularly hot right now. I mean if I believe her it's all about her trying not to feel suicidal (aren't we a pair?), or that it's about her issues that she has to work through. I suppose that might be true.
Maybe the appropriate song for me today is this:
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Sadly for my potential offspring I generally fail at being a bad guy.

where I fucking rank

You know, I should be happy. I'm in love..... for as much as that fucking gets me. What really gets me is where I rank in this house.... well when she's around anyway (when it's just me I'm essentially king.)
Alright, are you ready for this setup?
Rankings:
Her baby
Her cat
Her Dog
Me
My Dog

That is how the living creatures in this house rank in her heart. Ok, so I get the baby, maybe even the cat..... fuck I'm still pissed that the cat gets more love than me. Not that I'm so amazing I'm expecting to blow them out of the water. I wish I could. You know this is the problem of dating someone with a past, particularly when that past involves a kid. I just wish for one FUCKING second she would see me, and love me the way I want to love her. But that's not happening. So I'm resolved to wait until either she figures herself out or.... I don't fucking know what. For a woman who has had no reservations about jumping into bed with whatever hard body of the week she's found for the past 8 years of her life it's rather shocking that if she cares about me so much she hardly wants to touch me. She says that it's harder for her to touch those she cares about. So basically by chasing a love relationship with her I've removed the option of actually receiving love. Is that what you're telling me? I keep hoping I'm going to wake up and find that she's discovered that "Oh look, a sexy, young, intelligent man has fallen in love with me, let's consummate our relationship so he feels secure and doesn't do something stupid." But no, the concern for me only goes so deep. I mean I think I've already established that in the grand scheme of things I don't amount to much in the eyes of women. I'm a meal ticket, I'm the guy they fuck when they don't have anything better to do and they're really just using me. I'm not a man they love.... this much is clear. Thanks God for all your FUCKING love and compassion. I'm sure when I'm in an early grave you'll be patting yourself on the back, job well done. If God's goal is to demoralize me and grind through all my hopes and dreams he's doing an excellent job. Actually it's a stroke of utter genius to give me the woman I've wanted for 6 months and not let me enjoy all of her. It's like saying "Here is the Delorean you wanted, oh but it has no [insert vital part], so you can't drive it, but it sure looks good doesn't it?" Wouldn't that make you just fucking scream? Yeah me too. Oh well, I wouldn't be getting laid right now anyway.... working 7 days this week.... woooo paycheck. Oh and on that subject I am terminally strapped for cash  right now and that's getting a little annoying. Staying alive is getting more expensive with someone else around. Oh and the baby woke me up this morning so I didn't get my little half nap before getting dressed that I am so partial to. Kid makes a good alarm clock though..... He's cute, I guess. If she's not going to stick around my bonding is going to end up being rather limited, just saying. Someone who can't touch me doesn't exactly inspire confidence that she's going to stick around. 

La Douleur Exquise! The exquisite pain

so the trick with writing is doing it both when you need to do it to keep things updated (check) and to do it when you need it to vent feelings that you are having trouble dealing with (working on that right now).

I've started picking up french phrases that I would like to entertain adding to my vocabularly. La deoleur exquise means exquisite pain. So very french. From the country of love comes the only words that encompass my feelings. Words are everything. Words are to me more than air and food and water and pain killing wonders that have spanned my life. I know (for example) that the only end to my current pain will come with words. Of course action would have to play into it too... or inaction I suppose. For all my macho posturing I'm not good at just sitting back and taking pain. I have to do something about it... hence me writing because I can think of nothing else to do about it. I'm not entirely sure if people know what's going on with me. Sometimes I posture as unreadable but I am doubtless the most readable man there has ever been. I am utterly predictable and I don't lie. That, in fact, is one of my worries. How on earth can I be exciting as a lover if I'm the most damn predictable guy on the map?

 She'll have to forgive me this ranting, because I do love her, but my worrying will not subside. It has infected my rather delicate stomach, which never has done everything a stomach should do to begin with. I just drank half a bottle of pepto bismal, and nothing, still sick. I keep swallowing air I think. I must be doing that. I want her love so bad and now it's JUST within reach. Imagine your favorite sweet treat (mine is generally rhubarb pie), one that you get maybe once a year, just sitting cooling on the counter. It will drive you nuts. You've been craving this for a long time, and now it's here and you cannot have it?! What's more when you have enjoyed other sweets the wait time was so short as to be negligible. As a man who gets what he wants it's hard for me to wait. Harder still to fall in love with someone holding back. Yet so I do, because she's......... beautiful, smart, and I think when she does reach the point of loving me she will be the most warm, yielding and nurturing woman I have yet to meet. Not sure of course.... damn it. I took some big risks to be here you know. BIG risks. I'm still taking risks the size of large stones sitting in an inappropriate organ (bladder or gal bladder, take your pick.)

I want her kiss.... I want her touch..... I want her to say she loves me and mean it with all her heart. I want to make love to her. Do you realize (polite and proper people shouldn't read past this) that I have returned to my teenage status towards sex, if not more pure at the moment. I haven't gotten off since she got here. This is the longest in almost two years. Because for one I want her, and two there hasn't been an oppertune moment to do such a thing (though as I type this I realize I do have some options if the need gets too great.) The pain, however, cannot be quenched through ordinary means. This is like a chemical fire, it's going to burn far too hot to put out. I'm not even able to hold it back. I smoked more than a pack today and it did not help.... at all. I drank myself into happiness the other day and that didn't last or help.

Cherchez la femme, look to the woman. If you want the answers about what is going on in my life and heart, look to the woman. I am looking to become a dad, at least a larger part because of her. But I need her love to do that. I'm not going to change diapers, make bottles and carry him around unless he's mine (I do two out of three now, and yes I do say he's mine when he's with me, and so does she..... you can analyze that all day long.) She's not good at communicating what I need communicating, or I'm not good at reading it or bringing it out. This whole thing is bringing up a few man issues, issues with  "am I good enough?" I feel like if I was I would have effectively woo'ed her by now. Certain other guys certainly had no trouble. Are they better than me? At least in the case of getting there first they are..... more thoughts later, I'm getting dizzy

feelings and stuff.... valentines day with a girlfriend, and how that is working out for me so far

So.... I guess life is good and difficult. Things are progressing, slowly... very slowly. And fast... rather fast. But I mean that's ok I suppose. As I said about all the risks associated with this relationship I believe it's worth it. She's shy, and I understand... I mean everyone has a past and it effects how things happen. I have a past and it makes things happen a certain way as well. Honestly I'm probably pushing too far. So today I'm trying to pull back. Her ex.... who is the father of her 4 month old, has JUST decided to contact her. The guy is trouble from my perspective. Because she "loves" him, but doesn't want to get back with him. It's confusing. He's the child's father but I'm slowly moving into fatherhood. Yeah, me a dad.... saw that coming (NOT). ((Sort of)) (((Stop being so predictive of the future life.... 2 years ago I was most mad about not having children with someone.... if this works out I will instantly have two..... yeah that.)))
So my fear is that he will decide to be with her. We've discussed all this already (me and her), and she says that's not the case. She says she's just shy.
Anyway I'm in a commited relationship.
I saw that one girl I was crushing on before.... and it was just like... nothing. I mean I could acknowledge that yes at one point this person WAS attractive to me. And that she is attractive in a way that I'm not going to pursue. 
So we told her parents and that went... well I suppose. My parents are a different story. They seem... unhappy, predictably so, at the prospect of me living with a girl.... and becoming a father.... We'll figure it out. We always do. But things are moving, we certainly aren't standing still in the relationship. There are still multiple things that we have to figure out so... yeah... you know. Stuff.

a frank assessment of my weaknesses

At the moment, I am nervious, and that, along with many other things, is is a weakness. Being aware of weaknesses is a strength, and it's a hard virtue to cultivate. But rewarding at times.
The biggest weakness I have at the moment is fear. I am virtually petrified of some of the things in my life. Of falling in love for one, because I have never done it before. I have a programmed in solution for that. That solution is what I will loosely call the "Jump Program". At some point in my childhood I had to overcome one of my earliest fears, the fear of heights. At the time I was developing my skills in scouting. Being a boy scout and being afraid are not compatible. For one there are the hikes, and the time in the wilderness that represents the ideal of becoming a young man. But boy scouting introduced me to one thing that would become a part of me forever, that is skiing. Skiing seemed like the most unlikely hobby considering where I started from, but from the first time I went down a slope I loved it with all my heart. But I had to push back some old fears. So I tapped into the beginnings of my programming.

 General Patton said "a good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow." And this is true of many decisions. It's often better to be decisive than to lose the opportunity to indecision. So when I am faced with something horrifically frightening, but potentially full of growth potential and hope, I will jump at it much more easily, because the decision has already been made. I remember once I took the wrong lift up the slope. I ended up on a way too difficult run, but, I found out that the only way to get back to safety was through danger. So I skied down, and I survived, and I learned that I could be preserved through strife to reach the goals I set. I care for this woman, the reward is worth it. The risk, it is frightening. Not just the risk of me screwing up. I screw up all the time. The risk is of it not working. I'm at the point in my affection for her the idea of her not falling for me frightens me. But my doctor said I needed to step outside my comfort zone, and so I am.

I have an anger problem. I take myself too seriously. I can be over sexual. In fact I would say I know far more about lust than I do about love. I have pride, and that I refuse to correct that in fact I augment it. I am working on my anger problem because a good man has control of his fits of passion. I learn to laugh at myself because a man easy to laugh is a man easy to love. I am learning to be sexual when appropriate, because man cannot live on carnal pleasure alone. I hope to fall in love, because love can preserve and last a lifetime, but lust is just for a night. But pride.... pride is something else. If you succeed at pride, which mind you I am only at the beginning of, you draw respect. Pride is loving you, pride is seeing what God created in you and smiling to know you are blessed and beautiful in his eyes. Humility has it's place, but it being a defining characteristic is beyond me. I suppose that's very unchristlike of me. But God does not say he plans to break our will, or our personality to have a place in our hearts. Look at David, Look at Solomon, those were not humble men, yet they were men God loved.

how will this story be told?

Something that occupies my mind to the point of obsession is frequently "How will I relate this story some day when it becomes a part of my epic narrative?"
Now I know that if I ever do set down a narrative of my life it may not seem epic to others. But when you look back on a moment, either in joy or sorrow, it is regardless quite epic to you. Well it is to me I should say, I have no idea what anyone else thinks about their past.
So I'm preparing to take a trip, and I consider this trip perhaps iconic in my life. For one, I deeply need 8 hours on the way there to deal with things in my life. For another thing, I'm going to see my girlfriend.
Yes, as freaky as THAT is to say, I'm going to see my best friend, and now my girlfriend. This is an iconic turning point in my life regardless. Even if I manage to screw this up (which seems unlikely), it will be iconic. She has been... unreachable for a long time. Now she has come within my reach. If only just. This is both a development for which I am responsible, she is responsible, and it is an answer to prayer so I must credit the Lord. That's a big fucking deal just in case you didn't know. Three people I respect, perhaps the three people I respect most in the world, arranged this. (In case you missed that I mean I respect my judgement, her judgement, and God's judgement most of all.) Where will it go? I don't rightfully know. I'm expected to take things slow.... not something I'm known for. God help me. She's worth it you know. If ever anyone could make me take it slow, it would be her.

This just in

Out of all the negative posts I thought I'd be posting this is the best news I can give. Number 2 has relented, she will consider dating me! Awww, YAY. you don't know how much this means to me guys. This idea has haunted my dreams for over 6 months. A year to be honest. I've always wanted a shot with her. It's not because she's the hottest girl in the world, but because I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. I love her as a friend more than I have loved anyone. She means something to me and now she's talking about giving us a shot. Maybe there will be no number 9. I hope so. Let's cap this horror streak at 8 and settle down... or so I can hope. At the very least I have a shot, a slim one I know, but a shot with a girl I care about. A girl I could love romantically as well as in a friendship way. I think quite a lot of people might end up being right. Good for them. Now if I can just get people to tell me other prophesies are going to happen. One step at a time I need to be reminded. The girl of your dreams is more than you could have ever hoped for. Be grateful.

Edit: THIS JUST IN on top of the just in ness of all that.
So 2 (who I can now refer to as Nikki) officially decided she was interested in being in a relationship...... .God has blessed me indeed.

waiting for 9

So I haven't heard from 8 all week, haven't been with her in 2 (physically anyway, saw her last Sunday). I think that it's fair to say I no longer think that it's going to work out in the long term. Too bad, so sad, it was great but  then she didn't exactly show a ton of passion for me (gee haven't we heard THAT story before). I really thought she might fall in love with me. But oh well.
Now is the time that we talk about what I expect for number 9 (for non regular readers you should know I refer to women I have had a physical relationship with by their numbers until they prove to be significant, and often times the number tells you more about how I feel than their actual names).
To reflect we should talk about what I have expected for previous numbers.
Number 5 was the most unexpected, and came after the longest drought in my sex life in my life. When I found her, and found out I would have her (oh there are signs, someday I'll do a post on THOSE), I wanted her to be the last. Sadly it was not to be. I don't think I was horribly disappointed. Of course at the time I thought I was going to be with someone I had already had relations with (the much heralded number 2), so that might have effected things.
Very shortly after I met number 6, and I don't remember having any expectations. I actually had a relationship which means I hoped at some point that it would last. But deep down I think I knew better. (said I love you after a week.....  told her everything..... blew up in my face. She was crazy, but then so was I at the time.)
So as I waited for number 7 I had hopes that it would be an important number for me. For one thing I had been through enough, waited long enough, all that good stuff. For another I believe in significant numbers. Which would be shocking considering how little number 3 mattered (think biblical numbers people). I met 7, had tremendous hopes, and they were effectively dashed. (7 incidentally is in a relationship now, also the oldest woman I have been with.)

 So I had no expectations for 8. Aside from being worth it I didn't have any requirements or expectations. Thus far she hasn't disappointed. Without a doubt worth it. Who knows. 8 keeps responding to my ads.... confused. by this.

Anyway in waiting for number 9 I'm not sure what to expect. I'd like to have some romance. But hey. That's ok.

A little post script: I don't know if I said so before but I really do care about these women for the most part. I'm aware that this number thing can seem cold hearted, it's not. Saying those numbers brings back memories. Memories of when they had names and I had hope for them. I also don't say names more often due to confidentiality. In the example of number 8 we are casual at the moment, her family and friends have no idea about me. I don't want to drag down her reputation. Believe me, when I say 8 in her case I'm still thinking her name.... She matters to me is the point I'm making. Actually more than she should, in that I really wish it would work out with her. I've spent weeks trying to put some distance between me and wanting to be with her, not entirely sure it's working. If it does, and she doesn't have any interest in me, then that will be the end of it. If it doesnt then I'll be stuck on her for awhile then move on, or we could be together (heart jumps). Shut up heart, geez you're too easy.

emptyness

Today has been a complete waste of time. I hate this life sometimes, particularly when I feel like I'm making no progress in my life. I am completely alone, have been almost all week. I don't know what to think anymore. At the moment I don't even know whether to have hope for my love life. Yes, sooner or later I'm sure I'll get to sleep with an attractive young lady (the as yet unmet number 9 most likely given the way this month is going.) To be fair I would like to note that I would like to be with number 8 quite a bit more. Honestly if she'd have me I'd try and make it work long term, whatever that means. At the moment I don't see that happening, but with God all things are possible.
That brings me around to another upsetting thing. God has been rather talkative, though not through his own mouth. One thing I liked that I heard this week is that God has three answers to prayer:
1 Yes
2 Not Yet
3 I have a better idea.

Now as I may have shared before I have one prayer, that is to see my vision happen. To give you some realism, I went to bed every night for three months praying about it. And I have been talking to God about it for over a year. For a long time I thought it was number two, not yet. And that has frustrated me considerably, because I have trouble understanding why. It's not number one, at any rate not yet. What scares me most, and confuses me most is the possibility of number three, that he has a better idea. Frankly I can't imagine a better idea, that is for me anyway. I'm really confused by what this is all supposed to mean.

Add in that I had bad dreams all night last night.

So I will say what I have said a few times before, and that is God is on the move. However I won't be EXCITED about that prospect until that actually means something in my life other than him holding me back from death. Oh and on that note I'm not particularly suicidal right now, but I don't understand why that is. Honestly, there is no reason for me to be alive right now. No future and all that. Anyway progress marches on and waits for no man.

Trilogy vs trilogy

In star wars vs LOTR, I have to call it a difference of ideals. The ideals of Star Wars are "we fucking LOVE this star fighting bad guy butt kicking rebelling against the overpowering evil". While Lord of the Rings is more about "We hate that this evil exists. We don't want to fight it, well I guess no one else is going to take care of it. Oh we're being so noble sacrificing for the greater good (aha the christian nugget in this saga), then please get us back to someplace comfortable and safe." You know CS Lewis and Tolkien were contemporaries, they were friends. Both christians. But Tolkien was a Linguist gone writer, and Lewis was half theologian half writer. As far as language and creating one of the great if not the greatest english language printed epics. Lucas.... does not have a mind on that level. I agree that without a doubt Lucas has had the biggest effect on movies as any epic ever. Epics follow HIS pattern after all. But at the end of the day he is a compressor of all the things we love into one movie. That is his talent, not describing beauty or deep spiritual concepts, it's making us love the damn thing. Imagine a girl(or guy, whatever is your fancy) coming up to you and just kissing the damn mouth off you and having wild passionate sex. It's probably the most amazing you'll ever have, from a physical point of view.  Now, again imagine someone coming up to you and just making love to you. The most honest, insanely intimate relaxing sex. You know I have experienced that so little. For as much sex I've had, and I assure you that it is a lot (more than I count), I can honestly count on one hand the times I have been made love to.  That's all I want. Anyway which do you prefer? I can understand the passionate physical love. I can say I need it from time to time, but it's not satisfying to my soul. But you can't have one without the other. You need to have passion, but also intimacy. Alright, enough of that for now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKg4W_mPUDI

in which women TICK me off

So I've made no secret that I find women to be a disappointment on many fronts.
Such is the case with my latest lady friend (the enigmatic number 8). She's the youngest I have dated, and I honestly cannot tell what her position is. When she sees me she hugs me. She shows no interest in kissing me, or caring quite honestly. I mean what is a guy supposed to expect from all this?

And my friend, who is really the best, says "on to the next." And to some point I agree, but I'm just so tired. I'm tired of over and over again, meeting, them losing interest, I go find another. Can't we just skip the whole thing?

I will date the girl from VENUS!!

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I think They Might Be Giants have some of the best metaphors in music. Every once and awhile when they do talk about relationships it seems to imply a sort of wistful sadness and joy in it.

Just these lines:
"I will date the girl from venus
flowers die and so will I
I will date the girl from venus
for science!"

It reminds me quite a bit of End of the Tour

"At the end of the tour
when the road disappears
if there's any more people around
when the tour runs aground
and if you're still around then we'll meet at the end of the tour

the engagements are booked through the end of the world
so we'll meet at the end of the tour"

The imagery in that captures me so completely. For me it symbolizes the never ending quest for meaning, and how you keep thinking maybe when you achieve it you would find what you've been looking for as well. But the tour never ends. At times it can feel like life will go on forever.

The final lines of the song are:
"And we're never gonna tour again, no we're never gonna tour again."

mixed feelings

I was watching a movie about a lady, a wife that goes crazy and isn't interested in love anymore. It looks like a good movie. It stars Richard Gere, I like him.
Anyway what I'm having mixed feelings about is how I feel about being alone and single watching this movie. The first thought in my head is that I feel rather sad that I can't turn to the woman I care for and say "Would you stick around and make it work, if I lost my mind?" And that is when I get on that razors edge because of the answer. If the answer is no, I'd rather be alone thinking about it. If the answer is yes, of course I'd wish she was here. I guess that's a dedication issue. I've never been with a woman that would say yes. *sigh* That's it for now, watching a documentary on volcanoes.

What is morality?

Actually this is going to be a catch all for most of the stuff wandering through my head, but I'll start with what is morality.
I read/heard (experienced?) a web series on men and women being friends. More on my personal opinion on that and other moral gray area questions, but one particular phrase in the series stood out to me.
That phrase was "doing that wouldn't be honorable to your signifigant other or to God" (actually I'm paraphrasing, it was in a video and I'm not going to track it down.) What struck me about this concept is that it's a rather overstating of the value of honor from my point of view. Let me make this clear, I believe in honor much more than your average guy. So I tell myself anyway. I do believe that you should honor your signifigant other, and I suppose God, but it running that deep doesn't happen often. In this example the action requiring honor was honoring your sig other's request to not hang out with your other sex friends. Now this is situation dependent of course. But in my life, I have had this challenge put to me by a sig other who turned out to be temporary, and it separated me from a friend that wasn't. In the end my decision also resulted in me escalating the friendship, and that didn't work.

  But that's not what I'm challenging here, the rightness of that decision on it's own. It actually comes down to a major decision question from your romantic partner. Our host would lead us to believe that the right thing to do (now mind you she qualified it to if it seems sane), is to respect their wishes. Because it's what is honorable. This speaker seems to also have a much higher opinion of how to satisfy the honor of God than I do. She also in another point in the series said that not following "God's plan for our sexuality" was not honorable. Now I'm sure she has the best intentions in saying this. Let me be clear that I respect her right to preach this. I used to believe in it, at least somewhat. God and sexuality is a hot button issue with me. Now at this point I will be honest, in that I just do not know how God feels about premarital sex. Or postmarital sex(which is a much more apt description as to what I do that is considered "sinful").

 I know that cheating is wrong, and damaging. Lust to some extent is wrong, if it escalates to the point that you value sex over humans... in some situations anyway. If you love someone, and you start out lusting after them too, then one day the lust dies down and because sex is so much to you, you must go cheat, that's a problem. If it somehow causes your partner harm, that's a problem. But lust and desire are part of being human.

 I think that's part of what I can't stand about these pureness hounds. They've stripped away some of their humanity and then are so self rightious about it. I respect them, but I hate how they act as if they think they are right. If they are right, and I have said this countless times, then prove to me that a woman exists out there that both A: is capable of satisfying my needs for a long term (talking about 50 years here) relationship and B: would value or experience benefit from me having less sex now. Of course if they could prove that I would benefit from that we would be having a different conversation as well (actually there is a book out there called "Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children", but I don't have the money or time to order it. If I spent that money I would have to read it. And if I had to read it and it sucked, it would be a major waste. I am thinking about it.)

Look, I'm not saying I want to have unlimited sex. I don't want unlimited fake or other smokes either. But I'm not interested in quitting smoking. If I can get to a point of moderation (which I have when I'm happy), I'd be much more satisfied than if I had to live a clean lifestyle. It's my personal belief that God wants me to be happy. To destroy myself with sobriety seems like just as dishonorable as if I spent all my time getting high, or having sex. From time to time God blesses me by sending a beautiful woman into my life. They usually want to sleep with me. And it's usually amazing. They rarely seem to intend to stick around longer than that, sadly. Does that mean I should turn them down and waste this blessing? Yeah, if actual Christians read all that they'd be screaming at me about how I'm rationalizing. My answer? Maybe. A bit. I try to be honest on here. But on the other hand my defence mechanisms will occasionally take over. You have to remember I am at this point dealing with every bit of my own pain alone.

Now, what else is bothering me? The friendship bubble for one. I'm still a little POed by the fact that every once and awhile when I do like a girl and I let her know she isn't into it. Regular readers will know which one in particular bothers me most. I guess I don't understand why. Actually part of it was that I didnt remind her of a certain someone. All the winners she's been with remind her of him, her first guy.

What else? My ex wife. Still the only woman I have successfully committed to. And still the worst person for me in the history of my life. It's her birthday tomorrow. Apparently her marriage isn't in any trouble.... that saddens me. Life is quite kind to her. How can there be any God in that situation? Or to be more accurate, how can a God who loves me and punishes the sinful be in that?

Post note: here is a link to the last part of the series I referred to, the links to the rest are on that page:
http://loveandrespectnow.com/2011/11/can-guys-girls-be-friends-question-6/

No life without wife

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I think no life without wife sums up my problem with this christian viewpoint. All of their arguements are founded on a simple non truth, that everything in life is building towards marriage. But it isn't. Marriage is a thing, and some people get married. But some people don't. Some people shouldn't. Anyway I could go on all day attacking women, but I am aware that men are part of the problem too. At this point, quite honestly lately I feel like the expectations on men are SO high, and men can only do so much. A husband is expected to be sweet, kind, a good listener, faithful, pure, a good provider(something few husbands can control, if working 9 to 5), and at times practically psychic. I lost count of the times I had to tell my wife I wasn't psychic. Maybe her new husband is. Regardless of whether he is he has enough money to make her happy. This goes back to what I hate about the relationship contract. In theory it's founded on love, right? So how come how much I make is a factor? I can't control that much at the moment. Yes if I dropped out of school I could make considerably more money..... which is why my ex wife's dad probably never attended college. But I don't like the idea that if I get laid off or can't find a job my wife will leave me. If that was the case my parents would be divorced. Which might have been my ex's problem with them. If someone loves you money shouldn't matter.... but it does.

I just got a text from the girl I want...... *sigh*

she remembered my birthday...... maybe she cares...... I hate/love that I still think this way. I was going to say just hate but why would I keep doing it if I didn't like it. I want to fall in love with her and marry her. and I'm just like "Brain stop doing that..... yes it's possible, but unlikely" wanting things that are unlikely is trouble for me.  She's..... just perfect. Beautiful, smart, heck I want her to have my kids. I want to go to bed with her every night..... it's a good start. Maybe it will happen at last.

*forgets where he is in rant and goes off to school*

Discussions on sex

So I ran into a wonderful little series on sex and christianity, I say wonderful of course to mean that I think it's all bunk but I'm glad for the discussion:
http://faithoncampus.com/overcoming-a-culture-of-instant-gratification/

So anyone who has ever read me is going to know what my problems are, but for those of you that haven't let me sum it up. I lived in that culture of "I don't have sexuality, I have GOD." And it's the most damn depressing thing since "I don't have political beliefs, the church tells me what I believe...." And just as evil, if not more so (wow, that hurts to say.) I did not sleep with a woman until I met my wife. And yes, we shared a bed before we were married. That made us sinners right off the bat, and I'm relatively sure that's one of the only reasons she married me. This is why I hate hate hate hate HATE this culture of denying sexuality, because of where it leads. Christians don't want to talk about the cost of chastity. They want to talk about the pretty parts. Which is really hard because chastity to a male is the equal of looking at his body, telling it that he hates it and wants it to feel agony, and hitting it repeatedly with a mallet until it stops. Once you start experiencing sexual pleasure stopping is really hard. And even if you manage to stop...... you start to get really messed up. What do I mean by that? Completely chaste men bother other men. We can just SMELL that something is wrong. Not literally, but it's just this aura of "I'm sick, broken, and dying, and I chose this path." This is one of the ways that the church breaks down our will and tests how much control they have over us. After all if they can get us to change our sex habits, then smoking, drinking and politics are easy. So I don't want to spend the rest of my day talking about how awful the results of chastity are. Having been chaste (or moreso than I am now), I can say I hated every minute of it, and I have quite a bit of respect for how much effect the words of those in spiritual authority over us can have. If I am ever in the spot of spiritual authority to speak to young people I doubt I would have the cruelty to talk about abstinence to those that have already had sex. You might as well tell them to chop off their right leg.

Now that's not to say abstinence isn't possible, shockingly enough it entirely is. If I wanted (and I don't) to stop having sex..... I'd just stop. It's the same as the process of stopping smoking. You take away the fuel, in this case women and porn (oh I'm not even touching what's wrong with the church's views on porn.) After the fuel is gone just sit back and enjoy the steady descent into madness. It's a detox. After a few horrifying months of that you are detoxed and ready to be another drone. (SARCASM) God is sooooo proud.
Let's talk (briefly) about why we search out pleasure. This for me all comes back to my semi hedonistic roots. In my personal belief structure, well for one I believe that once you have lost your virginity and innocence it's never coming back. Another thing is that being an excellent lover has great effects on your self esteem. All good things come from God and this includes tobacco, alcohol and sex (and probably some drugs). At some point I reached the point that I realized that the chances of me finding "The ONE" for me were diminishing. It has come down to the point that while I'm not closed off to the idea (quite the opposite), I don't expect it. I wouldn't place any bets on me ever getting married again, or having kids. But that doesn't mean my life is over, because I'm not tied and bound to a rule system that says if I am unloved on a deeper level I can't experience the joys of love. Because love is a gift, I can share it with women that I often barely know. Regardless of that it's me saying "I have hope, I find you attractive and I would really like it if you stayed around." They don't, of course, because God didn't build loving men in as a standard feature in women. Like compassion, it only comes on the deluxe models and he's not making as many of those recently (theorizing here).  In a world without marriage or goals it becomes the understood goal of a man to make the best of it. The best of it in the case of being a young man with no hope in the future is to embrace and understand this simple idea: Life and relationships are just a chain of experiences. You have to make the most of them, squeeze all the juice out of life and come back for seconds. Because one day the things you love, such as your relationships and loved ones, will die. And on that day all you will have is the memories of what you loved to sustain you. So make good memories. Good memories trump good decisions. Introduce me to a woman that I want enough to abstain for and I might consider it. But she would have to love me enough to make that pain worth it. And let me be frank.... aside from my mother I've never seen a woman love ANYONE enough to do that. Actually probably not even my mother.
Wrapping it up, I may someday believe that I should have had less sex... I mean that's possible. I would rather have worked out some of my early kinks now rather than meeting my future wife and thinking she had to be the answer to all of my sexuality. Let's face it, no woman can live up to that challenge. I would say the same about men but I have seen men do that in a capable way. Which sounds sexist. And it is, because I have seen men do much more and much more competently when it comes to sex and love than women. Women are good at many things, but as far as being everything a man needs....... yet to see it is all I can say.

Max Malcolm for President

Ok, let me give you a moment to get over your shock, and let's get down to the issues. For one, I'm aware that due to age restrictions and experience I'm not likely to get on the ballot. That does not stop me from wanting to voice my feelings on the issues.
For me it all comes down to one issue: the people and the government. That is what this election is about, that is what all of them have been about. Republicans and Democrats have different opinions on what government is. To the right it's a necessary evil, because they have to have someone to spend on the military. To the left it's a tool to further the cause and maybe help people. Both have lost the vision of what government is. Government is there to serve the people as best as it can. Think of that as a mission statement. When someone gets up to capital hill it's only because of a whole lot of support from people outside of politics. Now this is where people can also get confused, they say "Well if I control all the money and all the power why can't I just have my money back and let the government find other ways to pay for stuff." That's a rotten attitude. Because you aren't just taking back your money, you're taking your neighbor's money, and people you haven't even met's money. Maybe it's being raised christian that gave me a different view on how money works. When you make money you are not responsible for all of it. No matter what you are doing, someone gave you it. They used systems in place, and you used systems in place, to make you a little better off. Without infrastructure there would be no business, without regulations there would be no people's rights.
My personal pet theory is that at some point the government has been just in the black, or not in the red. At that point people got greedy and started taking money out without putting any back in. That's where the debt comes from. The government does not have a no limits credit card to give you anything you want. The government needs to make a profit again. Yes I am talking about nationalization of corrupt businesses. I think that should be the ultimate penalty for corporate criminals. So that is why I will never be in with either party, because being pro nationalization is still a position held by the minority.
I am also heavily pro seperation between church and state, and if elected that would be one of my priorities. The same with getting this country back to making money, and not losing it like it's going out of style. You know if we spent the amount we spend servicing our debt on any single issue we could solve it substantially. Or we could cut taxes for people who need it, like businesses that relocate to america.
I will address the candidates on their issues next time.

Max Malcolm, Pro Beard, Pro Jobs, Pro AMERICA!