It's time to come to terms with that I'm losing...... got rejected for a job I wanted, constantly seeking health and not coming close..... I guess I just.... had faith for more.
I thought God would be here with me. I thought that all the pain I was going through was going to pay off, that He would take care of me, take me out of obscure suffering and into a place of.... I don't know. The thing is that having faith is all about trusting God to have a better plan, trying to let go of self focus..... I know that I'm not doing very well at letting go of self focus right now..... The pain is just worse than it has been recently.... I had been detaching from the mess my life is.
Apart from whatever hope remains that God isn't done with me.... I have nothing to look forward to. If I had a gun right now I would end it. It's not about self pity, or even depression, it's just being done. He is so far from me, so vacant in my life. I am aware I'm not seeking him lately. What am I supposed to do? I sleep more than I'm awake, and honestly when I'm awake I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'm looking for work, playing games, eating and smoking. I didn't stop having faith, I just have begun to lose hope.
My best hope is that I'm totally wrong. How I long to be wrong about what the world is. He may yet redeem this mess he's led me into. I will admit it is less of a miracle than what I know he already has done. How long I cry into the night, screaming at the abyss. Next to being wrong, the abyss of nothingness is the next best option. That being my overall impression that beyond the surface of mental and physical activity there is a great void. When I cease to breath I could embrace it, itl yet be as if I had never lived. There is no proof of life after death, apart from the word of the church and the general hints from God through scripture. God's never personally talked to me about it, though I think that has equal amounts to do with how he knows I long for death. He doesn't need to make it more appealing. Afterlife or not, I'm approaching death at maximum speed.
I just have a need, a need I really needed God to fill. That need is for hope, a future. I need somewhere to go. I'm on a long journey with no destination, apart from death. I'm fully aware that it's not a physical need to be psychologically complete. Plenty of people function without a higher destiny. I keep feeling like people around me are telling me that is the path to peace. I've tried so hard to go that way. I tried so hard to be happy at Heath. I actually succeeded more than I thought I would, to the point that I miss it now.
I need more. I need what only a power greater than me can provide. *sigh* Worse yet is that if tomorrow I were to ask for help from my family, we'd go find a therapist (or one I've already met).... and we'd start the same set of talks. The therapist asks me to describe my feelings. Then I describe them. They propose a different way of looking at life that amounts to basic focus on what is good. Eventually I relent, because I so badly want to believe that will be enough, and they say I'm nice and healthy. I am good at giving others what they want from me. I'm just not good at providing for myself. Christianity seems to imply that I'm not supposed to be good at filling my own needs.... Yet I have searched for God, I have asked for what I am missing. He has yet to provide that. Maybe he can provide oblivion, if life and completion aren't in his plan.
I thought God would be here with me. I thought that all the pain I was going through was going to pay off, that He would take care of me, take me out of obscure suffering and into a place of.... I don't know. The thing is that having faith is all about trusting God to have a better plan, trying to let go of self focus..... I know that I'm not doing very well at letting go of self focus right now..... The pain is just worse than it has been recently.... I had been detaching from the mess my life is.
Apart from whatever hope remains that God isn't done with me.... I have nothing to look forward to. If I had a gun right now I would end it. It's not about self pity, or even depression, it's just being done. He is so far from me, so vacant in my life. I am aware I'm not seeking him lately. What am I supposed to do? I sleep more than I'm awake, and honestly when I'm awake I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'm looking for work, playing games, eating and smoking. I didn't stop having faith, I just have begun to lose hope.
My best hope is that I'm totally wrong. How I long to be wrong about what the world is. He may yet redeem this mess he's led me into. I will admit it is less of a miracle than what I know he already has done. How long I cry into the night, screaming at the abyss. Next to being wrong, the abyss of nothingness is the next best option. That being my overall impression that beyond the surface of mental and physical activity there is a great void. When I cease to breath I could embrace it, itl yet be as if I had never lived. There is no proof of life after death, apart from the word of the church and the general hints from God through scripture. God's never personally talked to me about it, though I think that has equal amounts to do with how he knows I long for death. He doesn't need to make it more appealing. Afterlife or not, I'm approaching death at maximum speed.
I just have a need, a need I really needed God to fill. That need is for hope, a future. I need somewhere to go. I'm on a long journey with no destination, apart from death. I'm fully aware that it's not a physical need to be psychologically complete. Plenty of people function without a higher destiny. I keep feeling like people around me are telling me that is the path to peace. I've tried so hard to go that way. I tried so hard to be happy at Heath. I actually succeeded more than I thought I would, to the point that I miss it now.
I need more. I need what only a power greater than me can provide. *sigh* Worse yet is that if tomorrow I were to ask for help from my family, we'd go find a therapist (or one I've already met).... and we'd start the same set of talks. The therapist asks me to describe my feelings. Then I describe them. They propose a different way of looking at life that amounts to basic focus on what is good. Eventually I relent, because I so badly want to believe that will be enough, and they say I'm nice and healthy. I am good at giving others what they want from me. I'm just not good at providing for myself. Christianity seems to imply that I'm not supposed to be good at filling my own needs.... Yet I have searched for God, I have asked for what I am missing. He has yet to provide that. Maybe he can provide oblivion, if life and completion aren't in his plan.
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