children's education

So I am having a little trouble writing about my life itself, mostly because of what is going to happen over the next few days. After it happens, I will likely write up a storm about it. For now, I want to talk about education for children. Children in this case including anyone up to eighteen years old.

Education is a problem near and dear to my heart for several reasons. For one I consider myself a moderately intelligent person who owes literally none of it to the school system. If the public school system can receive any credit for my education it is that they left some good books around in their libraries. I had a few precious years in private schools to which I owe almost all of my critical thinking faculties. My parents provided documentaries, cultural education, summer camps, and other enrichment programs that helped form my mind into what it is today. Is it perfect? No, I frequently feel I fall far short of the potential my genetics and economic status growing up should have assured me.

So here we are, and I am doing what I can to undo any untruth poured into my head, while building up the good education I have received. I am pretty firmly into the adult period of education, which while enriching and wonderful in it's way does not smack of hope the way childhood education does. So I am working on figuring out education for my children. I have yet to have any, but the education of the next generation is important. How well educated my children are will inform how they make decisions for me should anything bad happen, like getting senile.

So, what flaws caused my primary school education to be unsatisfactory. First the perceptions of disability and it's correlation to intelligence. Not all impediments are a sign of low IQ or diminished ability to absorb information. It sometimes only means that they need different approach. This is not to say more money, more people, or more time in class. It means the right person. The right teachers are vital, and sometimes that means more money for private schools.

Second is inconsistency in content which meant I played catch up for too much of my academic career.  At some point it became intensely frustrating to the point I ceased attempting to excel and began focusing on survival. When that shift occurred my  education in many senses ended. Surviving to pass tests and get into the next class is not learning. It turns education into a menial and tedious job of memorizing facts. So providing a steady learning environment, meaning one school for most of the childhood would likely help.

Finally focus is important. In high school I found a passion for tinkering again and attempted to apply it. I was sidelined entirely by a horribly frustrating focus on morality. My parents had provided an excellent framework for building my personal morality, and I found it horribly offensive to spend a day out of five a week hearing backwards red state morality. Much of that has turned out to be the worst sort of propaganda and tripe, and I will do whatever I have to if it keeps my child from having to put up with that from a learning institution. They are there to learn, and while it is an important lesson for a child to learn there are idiots in this world, they shouldn't have to think of the people controlling their education as those idiots.

*sigh*

I'm still waiting for a breakthrough. I am told time and again by others, by sermons, even by scripture that it's coming, but there are times, right now being one of them that it is really hard to hope for any kind of miraculous or supernatural movement of God in my life.
Here is my problem, he is great with tons of little ways of showing me he is still in my life. He loves to pieces to send me broken people to help. Loves it. And it blesses me too in it's way. But it isn't an answer. It isn't a way out of this place. It isn't even CLOSE to the hope I need. Feeling like a fricken paper towel to clean up other people's messes is not feeling blessed. It's feeling used, it's feeling cheap, and it's feeling unloved. Why is he so consistant in answering other's prayer through me yet I feel so unheard and without hope? How am I supposed to stay hopeful for those I help when after days like today the only hope I have is that I know someday I will no longer have to live on this god forsaken planet. I know many people say that not knowing the meaning of those words, but I mean it Paul. I look around and I seriously wonder whether God has any part in how this planet is run. I meet people, often enough people who claim to be of faith or of God and they are cruel and difficult.
I fight against poverty constantly, dispite God's "love" for me I am frequently sick, lacking for basic needs, and wishing I could just END IT. But no, no one will let me, I would hurt people. You know people say suicide is selfish? You know what is selfish? making someone live someplace that makes them miserable. That is selfish. Considering that I consider my loved ones and God very selfish for forcing me to go on with this meaningless thing.
I was trying to help someone and they asked me an honest question and it stuck in my mind, because I had some data that maybe I would hear some good news by the middle of next week. They said "what if you don't"? And frankly, I had no idea what to say. What if God doesn't show up when I need him to? Well..... sucks for me huh? That's kind of where I'm at.... too bad you expected something at this time. God might very well say wait and then here I am, waiting and waiting and waiting. You know it's know wonder the Isrealites cursed God. Wouldn't you? If you had to force march through the desert for 40 meaningless hopeless years waiting to die, would you be a big fan of God? I don't think I would. It's actually probably the biggest miracle in the book that in that time Moses didn't forsake God.
Here is another item of prayer I have no idea what to do about, my family. I just found out that my parents are completely miserable in poverty. Why, if God answered my prayer I could fix that in a heart beat and take care of the people I love. If only if only, story of my life.
This boils down to one fundamental problem, that being that my source is the Lord and I don't know what he feels like providing. I never do. I don't know when he's going to do what he said he would do. I might die before he does, because that happens. Frankly, I give it better odds. Why? because I have 100% proof that someday I will pass on. Everyone who has ever lived has. I'm actually rather confused as to why anyone would be sad, it's great, because this planet (or maybe just Tulsa) is pretty disappointing. Kids grow up, can't survive in the economy, have to watch their parents struggle to make it while the rich get richer. Do you know if it wasn't for this particularly evil thing called money, my parents would have no problems at all. My parents have worked hard their entire life, but thanks to banks and financial messes, they don't get to retire. Ever. I'm not having children. We all have to give up things so that the rich can have another yacht. I mean, if us poor didn't sacrifice and pay our taxes and suffer, what would entertain the wealthy? Somebody has to do it. So if you have hope, I beg you share it because I don't see any

no eye can see, no ear can hear

Down into the depths of hopelessness, again and again I find myself here and I keep hearing the same stupid fucking thing. Everyone is always saying that it's going to get better. To the point I believe, and I'm ready to receive such a thing, and it is still coming they say, yet today is just another trial, another drag. I realize sooner or later that this promise of a better day, if we can call it a promise, is either for a day yet to come or an insincere promise.

More and more I feel that the entire set up is to build up my hope so I can continue on absorbing suffering. I get increasingly frustrated with telling people the same thing to the point that apart from communicating my utter apathy for living I don't communicate much anymore. Much of what needs to be said has been said by me many times before, I am nothing if not open about my feelings. Too often the response I receive is apathy. I act with the most kindness I can muster and all I seem to get is apathy and disinterest when I have need of help.

I've sought out pastors and local friends, girlfriends, prayer partners and doctors. I have looked under every rock trying to find answers for myself which others are disinterested in helping me find. Apart from learn patience and try and build up strength I have found few pearls of wisdom.

I know God is good and he loves me. I know he has good plans for me. I know he answers prayer. I know he forgives me.

I do not understand waiting. I do not understand this pain, it surpasses my ability to understand. I do not understand this place I am.

I am an outspoken questioner of the way things are, particularly of the conservative movement, consumerism, the christian right and many things capitalist and republican. Yet I am in the most red state in the country. I have found few confederates in suffering. I am made to feel truly alone by such entities as Fox News, local preachers who bring politics to the pulpit, and by my fellow men who proudly claim tea party affiliation. I feel like some sort of covert spy dropped in the middle of an enemy camp. As if I am a union soldier trapped behind confederate lines, or vice versa as surrounded by the enemy I truly am overwelmed by the right wing political machine. I cannot see how liberal and intelligent thought can prevail over the conservative and anti intellectual movement.

What bothers me more is that this place that is a strong hold of right wing thought seems to be a self energizing machine. Let me explain how I observe this process. The right wing organizations fix the system (locally and state wide especially) to hurt and frighten people. The pundits point to the system they broke and say "look, isn't it broken? Aren't you scared? No one is looking out for you", then you have to watch their network to find out how to survive the horrible things they say are happening. Sometimes the horrors are real. They say "isn't it awful that you don't have healthcare?", when they made damn well sure of it. They say "isn't it awful that you and others are poor?" when they are in favor of trickle down economics and other economic policy that makes sure that the poor get poorer, that debt is on the rise.

Or how about what I consider the best one: "Isn't the national debt awful? How awful that we have a deficit and that we keep spending money!" When their policy for the last decade has been to create a completely useless several TRILLION dollar war, which we are still cleaning up.

The entire sum of their strategy is to make things suck, then point the blame on everyone else. What is most upsetting to the intellectual mind is not that this comes from the news, the bought and paid for politicians and talk radio. What upsets thinking people most is when other thinking people buy this garbage. When thinking people are held in thrall by complete garbage such as this. When the people who you want to help most say they don't want it because Fox news told them Democrats aren't human. We want to scream at them. They threaten to suceed and many of us are thinking "that would be nice, then you'd stop dragging those of us that want a better world down". Of course they won't. I mean who would shut the government down? Who would sabotage democrats and independents at every turn? How would the forces of capitalism keep everyone else in line? I do not know.

I know I am just one man. I do not see any purpose here. I do not see any hope. That isn't to say there isn't any, I'm just too deep in the wrong part of the battle. I pray I get out of this place soon. I'll hold on until I lose the ability to keep my grip to the hope that God will answer my prayers. Someone out there must be more powerful than the forces that stand against me. God is that someone.