Where your treasure is

Today I met a man who had worked for over 40 years, owned 9 car dealership and had a house worth half a million dollars (in my city that's like a multi-million dollar house.) In his garage he had two perfectly restored chevy Bel Aires. Every gate in (and out) of his yard was locked tight.

It just struck me as.... well I'm not going to judge it for him, but I can't imagine being there. I left sales because I wanted to DO something for a living. I couldn't imagine owning a bunch of car dealerships... basicly existing to make money. It's so... I don't know what. At that moment I turned to God and said "and that's why I won't be making 5 million dollars on my current path, not the usual way". Money isn't my treasure, there are other things far more precious. Family is the sappy but true response, but me time and my hobbies are also nice. I enjoy thinking free, and there is nothing as freeing as not submitting to other's motivation system. Having enough and being happy with it is the greatest revolutionary move in capitalism. The whole economy relies on people not being satisfied. Start finding happiness with what you've got, and it has to find a new way in.

Life in the shadow of hope

I've been thinking about writing out a list of rules and reminders about how to stay alive when there is no future, the past has nothing to lend, and God remains silent.

Things like "Love yourself, no one else can do it as well as you."

The problem is though that I am completely unsure if anyone else lives in this particular relationship to Reality and the Creator of Reality. Other "Christians"(both of the actual follower of Christ variety and followers of the religion associated with Christ) seem to have a different set of values for how things work. There is some sort of logical abyss where it makes sense to ask for things from someone who so far has shown no inclination to do things on the magnitude you ask(apart from in distant history).

I'm well aware he CAN move mountains. But if I said "Hey, God, check this mountain out. It's a horrible problem for the faithful, could you move it" The answer would likely come sometime next century, if at all. More than likely I would be left to interpret his silence. Here is what Oswald Chambers has to say about his silence: http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-silence%E2%80%94-then-what/

I did not have that article when I started writing, but see how what I observe exists even here? It is from God, surely it is wonderful. Surely indeed all things that come from God are good because theologically he cannot do anything else. He doesn't dole out punishment because it isn't in his nature. Yet the gap exists between what God considers good and worthy and what I as a human being do.

I suppose my ego is too large yet for the kingdom of heaven, for I still believe that if my leg is cut off I cannot walk, and if I have not resources I have no testimony or ministry. Yet God does not appear (again we are interpreting silence) to acknowledge reality as I know it. What I consider challenges are not to him. How could they be when he has the power at hand to solve them at a word? But they are to me. I'm WELL AWARE that he will work a wonderful plan out. Wonderful that is for the Glory of God. Not for the relief of Max. Fuck Max, he's just a fucking human who has submitted his life to the almighty. Silly stupid mortal, as ignorant as a screwdriver, but useful to dick around with now and then.

See, I have not succeeded in divorcing my spiritual being from my carnal desires. I yet would like edification of mind and body and God yet remains silent and still on the surface. God does not appear to concern himself with the realization of hopes and dreams, not the ones that involve a better life for the human involved. Too selfish perhaps, and are we not called as followers of Christ to give up all and follow him? How does that work for a religion of almost over a billion to live as nomads to material goods, to homes and families and jobs? I am willing if I could but see a way.

As I was saying.... I'm unsure if anyone else has to put up with this situation. Then it ends up coming to ego and paranoia. My personal belief on paranoia is that it is far too complementary to my self importance and ego to believe that any large amount of humans are personally concerned with bothering with me. So the net result is that if something is over complimentary to my ego it must be the less likely situation.

Now my present situation is a problem. I can immediately come to the conclusion that I am not the first to feel betrayed and abandoned by God. Even Christ felt that way, as did David, Solomon, and of course Job. This does not mean that my situation has bearing on other people's. The thinking is that God is better than to do this to large amounts of people. Heck I could take the lack of feedback on this blog as a sign that while others observe my situation they find no relevant material within. God be praised perhaps I am the only person at the moment alive who has the concurrent situation of knowing that there is a God and being spurned by him. Others perhaps would have given up on God. If I could I would. It's like if I could point a gun at my head and fire I would, because it's a good fucking idea. Unfortunately neither are compatible with who I am. Others still would have received an answer from God. Ah, answer is not the right word. He answers every prayer. Visible response perhaps?
I don't know. I'm so sick of him. This is familiar, because we can love and yet be utterly sick at the sight of someone. Sometimes in the past I have been fed up with my family members. Yet I still love them. I still couldn't imagine life without them. It pains me to dislike my creator whom I love (remember Love is a choice), I long to reconcile. The road is unclear. I don't think that I can reason my way out. It's a matter of the heart. So I must continue to seek him, beg for his healing and wisdom. One day I will find wisdom, because even though material matters are not important, wisdom appears to be important even to God. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also, and wisdom is treasure beyond any other. None can remove wisdom that has taken root.

Perhaps I need to return to the root of the tree of why I made my request, so that I could seek with all my heart and mind. So that I would not need to be concerned with petty work, strained by petty finances and surrounded by those that would take my safety from me. Maybe in understanding why my heart longs for that I can figure out how to regard his silence.

correction to yesterday's post

I would go back and edit, but this is a log of my progress, yesterday already exists as a moment in time. God has pointed out that I do in fact depend on him. I can't dispute that. He's become an integral part of my functioning. My point stands that he doesn't have to be.

Consider this a cautionary tale, when you enter into contracts with those more powerful than you. This is my testimony, if you can do without God, or do with very little God, do that. More God does not fix a damn thing, it just leads to knowing you're wrong when you rebel, knowing you fall short, and loving him despite his continued..... emotionally unstable behavior. He does alot, he helps me find stuff, he provides easier work and more pliant people, but it comes at a cost. His mercy and grace cannot be denied, anyone who has lived with it must admit it. Doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean he gives a damn about my goals, or desires. Not even what I thought were my needs. He cares about keeping me alive to use later, and his grand plan. He hides behind the claim that it is all for my good... which we'll be able to verify or deny when actual proof appears. As of now I am infinitely more tired for his meddling. I regret much more, when I once lived without the pointless emotion of regret. I feel guilt when I'm contrary to him. I have become humble in my way towards him. Yet I am still me, and the part of me that remembers what pleasure felt like misses not needing him.... actually what I miss is not being tortured and promised things that may be delivered at a future date. I am still holding to that I put more on the line in this relationship. I am at his mercy and I take all the risk. He remains all powerful, always right, and would not hurt(well, be damaged, I have no idea if he can feel pain, the bible claims he can) if I could turn from him.  There are no random or directed attacks which can threaten is existence on this plain. He is, he's a fact in the universe, not something that exists temporarily.
I just wish knowing him made things better. I wish I had never gone this way, but as I am at full commit, and I hold to MY word, this is my path. Don't go this way, it's crap, go make lots of money... at least you'll get cool cars and houses. I just get creative new ephemeral sensations and experiences that vary from pleasurable to painful beyond my previous definitions of pain. God has made sure I learned more of pain that anyone born to my station EVER would have been. And I thank him, because thanks to him I can tell you don't. Thanks to him I can tell you that Taoism and drugs offer as much peace,  materialism offers more immediate rewards, and worship of self means you'll always have a loyal friend. God's rewards are mostly transient and out of reach in this reality. In the next world... we'll see I suppose.

into the unknown

I don't know where I am anymore. I had to let go of everything. To start with I'm a pretty detached fella, I have an escape plan that I'm slowly putting back together... more on that another time. I've just reached a point with God that.... it's not that I don't believe, I just don't fucking care anymore. I believe he can do anything, but what fucking difference does that make to me? If he doesn't do it, it doesn't make even the tiniest difference.

Here is the breakdown of the problem: requests. I had lived under the impression that God, having the power and the will would provide something better in terms of lifestyle. Turns out the verses I was resting that belief on... weren't about what I thought they were. I often quoted a part of Luke (the ask, seek, etc verse), and it turns out that was about the holy spirit. The "don't worry about stuff, I got it" verse talks about letting go of earthly possessions, where your treasure is, so will your heart be. So I can't allow my treasure to be a... THING. Which pretty much leaves moments, memories, experience.

I find him.... unnecessary in my personal life given a number of facts: The existence of certain quite effective mind altering drugs. My own self confidence which does not require a deity to verify it. In fact if I was seeking for my self worth his response to me would show me how little worth I have. He just doesn't have anything for me at the moment.

Every miracle I have tracked down in the present documented time period is explainable by will power. I've lost count of how many times I have heard of God finding someone a job.... when they are looking for a job. If you get what you are looking for while you are actively looking for it, that's simple cause and effect. Cause leading to effect isn't a miracle, that's part of the nature of time. Same for finding a great spouse.

I still believe in him, and yes I have experienced his work and influence. However even though we can assume that given his control over matter and the universe in general, money and resources seem to be very much something he is not interested in. Security either, probably because it lessens people's dependence on him. I can appreciate that in general, but here's the problem: never manipulate a manipulator. Sure it works short term, but long term they're going to figure it out. As a student of the nature of the mind I look for weakness. My weakness is the most suspect of all. I actually do very little breaking others down anymore, most of my manipulation is keeping them from manipulating me. Further he doesn't NEED to manipulate me through pulling strings, we have an ongoing agreement that if he ASKS directly for something he gets it from me.

Sometimes relationships require boundaries. If I need to draw this boundary I will. This is of course all analysis based on the current situation, 5 years of waiting for an answer, no answer. My belief is not required for his word to come true. Evidence is in the situation of Abraham, Sarah laughed and got pregnant anyway. Abraham doubted to the point that he went and got someone else pregnant. I don't know how to avoid the obvious mistake, which is trying to make God's plan happen yourself when God has a plan. All I can do is pray for doors to shut in directions of me trying to take his place.

Granted, and this is just a logical problem, it is awfully hard for God to be God in a situation when he and his "timing" take so long that people will find other things to do. I mean if God promised you a car, the perfect car, would it be sinful to go buy a car to get by? I don't know, I'm not God. I am however used to figuring things out on my own. I just miss being used to my fullest ability. I mean, I like any work (in general), but this is nothing compared to being top of my game. There's nothing to compare to working somewhere that you are the best at what you do. The work itself is the reward. I'm not saying I want to do that work again, I already mastered it... so there was nowhere on that road left to go. I haven't mastered the whole gas industry yet, there are still places to go, so until something better comes along I'm going to do it, it is more profitable (monetarily) than anything I've ever done in my life. Less work (especially mentally) for more money.... I don't know what I would do had I the choice between fulfillment and money.... probably depends on the fringe benefits. For example no amount of per diam pay would be enough to make me enjoy living in this house, in this neighborhood for life. Same goes for fulfilling work(because I have had the most rewarding work I've ever heard of, and it didn't make me want to stay here). I won't know until I'm there... and I can't be sure I ever will be.

My intelligence is a resource that can be counted on, and one thing you can bank on is that my mind will dig a way out of WHATEVER trap you put me in.

how's this for weird?

Here's my weird past 24 hours, highlights:
Existential angst... didn't want to go back to work, or even be in Oklahoma... etc
Had a real 'come to Jesus' moment with my spirituality in which I realized that while I long for a spirituality like David, Joseph, Samuel, or even Solomon... Job and Jonah are the ones I'm closer to.
I'm not saying I don't seek God with all I am like the first four (well, at least three). I'm saying that what defines spirituality is two part: how you treat God and how God treats you.
Reading Job, I identify with it. I feel that agony, though I do manage to escape from time to time and praise God despite my problems. Another thing I realized is that you can love God and absolutely hate your life. You can hate God's plan and love God. Because we know that God represents justice, love, and that he can (and often will) bail us out. At some point hopelessness though I had to accept that he might not save me this time. I begged for death and at the same time felt no bitterness. Life has been good. Not NOW, not recently. I totally agree with Job that I would prefer that God had killed me off before my life started than letting it end this way. My point is however that even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I love him. I don't need him to save me in order to love him. Note what I'm saying: my love for him doesn't depend on  his miracle. I absolutely need him to do that. Yet I understand now that what I need doesn't always fit into the plan. People die, people never see the sun again, and all those people God loved too. People starve and get tortured, yet God still loves them. Can he do something different? Absolutely, as far as I know. Can he do what I asked him? Yep. Will he? Do I look like God?! How would I know? I think so, it seems like a good idea to me. It's his show however. I could fill a book with all the different ways I've said this, different moods I've been in saying it, etc.
This morning a quote made me cry, and it popped into my head: "If I cannot give you comfort, then at least I bring you hope." Which is from the film Toys. It pretty much typifies what I feel like God is saying. I'm not even sure I understand.
The day was a complete slog, I pulled out what I had to.
The weirdest part? I'm kind of sad I'm not working tomorrow, and yes I could if I wanted to. I won't though, I have other battles to fight.

the war continues

I've stated it before, but it bears repeating that there is a major persecution of the poor in this country. Actually, I'm not certain about the rest of the country, but in Oklahoma the persecution is alive and well. My neighbors are using the city to attack me over that I can't fit my truck in my garage, and it's broken. There's a laundry list of complaints which amounts to "stop trying to pay the bank back, stop fighting ALL your other battles or we'll load more debt on you"

I've been working, fighting, praying, and I don't know what else to do. If I was alone I would buy a gun and kill myself, right now. I would rather put a bullet through my head than live in this awful place with these terrible people. But since I have people who would miss me I'm not allowed that luxury. God has some reason for forcing me to stay alive. Forcing me to live here. I wouldn't call it hell, there are nice things here. It's just soul crushing, and that's not the chemicals talking, it's that I've been fighting for 5 years to stay alive and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like it's me vs the world. I'm tired of having to stretch my faith to believe God will have an answer for this hopeless situation. I'm tired of needing other's prayers, when answering the first prayer I prayed 5 years ago now, fulfilling the vision he gave me would make all the other needs filled. He has the ability, he has the will, we just keep waiting on the timing.

News flash, I don't know how to last long enough to reach his damn timing. It seems like this waiting will last a lifetime, and I don't know how long before mine runs out. It's all I can do some days to keep from stepping into traffic. Does he care? Of course... yet what are his actions? Heck if I know, I just work here.

What point is there?

I feel totally empty. I'm sick of this stupid thing. I didn't estimate right and now I'm plodding along, doing as well as I damn can and it doesn't make a difference. I'm waiting for God to show and it's been 5 years, it could be another 15, it could be 35, it could be longer than I'm going to live. I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired of existing. I'm tired of being just a sack of rock waiting to be processed. What's left to do? Seriously. I've bought every damn thing I want to within my income ability. I've had as much sex, drugs, parties, good times, bad times, I'm just totally at my fill for this particular situation. I don't want anymore.

Waiting. Waiting to die, waiting to live, waiting and hoping. Hoping and crying. Alone.

The claim: latest in the saga of my ex wife

She had the balls to come to my mom at her office, to complain about how hard this situation has been on her. Now here is where it gets interesting, my folks think she's full of it but one thing stood out. Her new husband stands to lose his security clearance if SHE gets pulled down with me. If true, well it's about as good as it gets as far as potential revenge. I have long enjoyed knowing that if I fall she gets pulled down with me, credit destruction and all. Given that I don't NEED to survive this, I find joy knowing that for once bad things will happen and she would pay for it.

This is greater justice, if I do fail, her whole damn family is going down. I mean it's not QUITE an eye for an eye (that would mean she lost her sanity and vision for the future.... or death, I still hold that death is kinder than what she did to me). Yet it is something.

It does not change my plans in the slightest for a few reasons. Reason one is that I don't intend to fail. I intend to win. I'm still betting on God to pull out the big guns. The best revenge of all is winning. The best revenge I can ever pay her is for her to see how much better my life is now. How her cruelty led to my spiritual quest. And how my spiritual quest led to greater things. That will reward me much greater. And it is more certain to hurt any part of her with feeling left for me.

Reason two is that who knows if it really would ruin her family. Frankly I don't care, the only news I want to hear from or about her is her imminent demise or divorce. Neither seems likely to happen (though I'm certain that losing his security clearance caused some friction in their marriage). I also have an idealistic view of the thing. That's actually the third reason. She needs to set up her own fall. Then everyone she has hurt can laugh the pure laugh of "Yeah, that can happen when you fuck up other people's lives".

And of course it's possible she's sought out forgiveness from God. I've tried to forgive her, and it will be more final when I finally never have to hear from her again. In which case, who cares. She's a damaged person who damages others... aren't we all? Yes, she did a particular number on me, but I did choose to let her into my heart and my life. My mistake. I've spent my life trying to atone for it by loving others, and telling my cautionary tale. One day I will be grateful for it, the day I win, and I can see that every step towards winning started with what she did. The scars become markers of the road to glory. Only God can turn hurt into victory, and turn our failures into testimony. I believe that day is coming. I've been waiting 5 years and I'm further than I was.

Terrorists vs the rest of us

I know I've ranted about this before, but as long as they keep doing it I'll keep ranting over it. Republicans in congress are once again threatening to shut the government down, this time over planned parenthood. So, in case you are missing the logical gap here:
What they are saying is that how unhappy they are that women can receive healthcare that they are willing to hold the country hostage, AGAIN. HOW THE FUCK DO WE KEEP ELECTING THESE CLOWNS? I'm not an ultra liberal, I don't think democrats are always right, and I don't like Hillary Clinton. I'm not even the most out there feminist, though I do want equal pay and equal access to health care. However this is a trend, using terrorist tactics over healthcare. What they are saying, in essence, is that they will shut down everything if they don't get their way. Is this an appropriate way for an adult... a LAWMAKER?! to act?! I say "LAWMAKER?!" because it is questionable to call republican senators lawmakers. That's like calling a butcher a cow breeder... They're just terrorist trolls.
Here's another funny thing, Donald Trump has jumped on the bandwagon. He has made his public policy if there is an awful thing to say, be it racist, generally bigotted or ill advised he's going to be the furthest out there.
So my advice to them? Do it, show us all what terrorist assholes you are. Eventually we'll get you out of office. Keep going further, because it's going to get bad before people won't put up with it anymore. If Trump wins the nomination he'll automatically have a respectable chance of being elected president. Then we'll find out what it's like having a president further right than George W Bush. Gold sales will go up (and I wouldn't doubt that Trump is well diversified in Gold). Wait, that's it, I cracked the code. Trump is not actually interested politics. He just bought tons of stock in things that go up when a huge fucking recession hits, and the only way to be SURE it happens is to run for president.

Well, at least someone will benefit, right? I mean it's not like our country cares enough to fight this. Honestly it's like the whole country has clinical depression and keeps electing people to try and kill itself. Then it comes out for a few years and tries to recover... but some inner part just loves the look of that gun. It loves the look of that Trump (or Bush) recession. Sometimes it's easier to be sick.