eyes on the horizon

some things are happening that frankly I don't have all the tools in terms of communication to talk about. I've recieved enough verification that something is happening. I've seen the footprints in the sand, if it makes any sense(it might not). It's hard to wrap your mind around the problems of the spirit.  Look I'm not going to pretend for even a moment that I am some pure or perfect being. I can't talk down to you. Consider my position, if I talked down to you I would have to completely discount the wonder that is you.

You have survived, and for whatever reason you are still on this planet because you either have something you are going to do or something you are doing. Recently I have been dealing with holiday traffic and one of my favorite exercises in forgiveness is rush hour driving. It's so hard to forgive inconsiderate and dangerously bad drivers, but living in a city demands it. The one thought that gets me through is "They must have a good reason." Suddenly when I think that, I can't be angry. It gives me empathy. I imagine what if it was me. What if where-ever they are going IS really that urgent. Then I realize it must be to them. Then I feel their pain. I feel sad for them, and I hope for them that they do get where-ever they need to be on time. I still have to deal with their bad driving. I still see it as bad driving, but I also see the hurt that makes it happen.

I think this must be some of how God sees us. We screw up all the time. But God forgives, and then helps us up. One of the biggest moments in my recovery is when I realized that my ex did what she did because she was a broken human being. She still did unspeakable wrong to my life. She cut into me and it still hurts even three years later. But she did it because she had good reasons. She was hurt, she was broken. I may not have dealt the best with it either as it so happens, but there you are. She's moved on, which means she forgave me. She offered me forgiveness. Not understanding, because that's not what I needed from her. She let it go. I've done my best to do the same.

I didn't mean to get on rambling about forgiveness....

I wanted to talk about where I'm at, or maybe where I am going. I've been told that things are going to change, in the way I predicted three years ago, and SOON (26 days left at this point according to one prediction). I wish I could sum up the complicated feelings in my heart in just a few words. The biggest problem is doubt. I do not doubt in any way that God (the universe, whatever you want to call that force) wants go give me good things to bring joy to my heart. The doubt is with how I have read the signs. I'm imperfect, as are all the people I'm listening to. Distrust is my knee jerk reaction to people telling me what I want to hear. Usually I think they are BSing me. Frankly it won't be real until it is real. There at the moment is nothing to do but keep eyes on the horizon for the change. Distrusting it won't bring it sooner. I don't know if trusting will make a difference either.

I pray I will look back on this post SOON and see I worried for nothing. I've waited for so many things in my life and sure enough eventually many of them came. Some didn't (Laurel, marriage lasting, a few other things) but in the end I have to admit that giving those to the Lord I must realize that them not happening made me a better man. I mean my heart is made of leather at this point thanks to my heartbreaks. I've become very good at loving people without needing them to love me back. I've learned to not need approval and to endure rejections.... I guess one of my fears is that the universe wants me to learn to stop hoping... or grow up and get more realistic goals..... *sigh* But the Lord says to come to him as a small child. I read that as trusting with an open heart and open mind... So here I am, laying back and trusting him. I wish I could say more than that.

mildly vitriolic military rant

So I just wrote a long bit on FB about the problems with the military and intelligence. Rather than repost that and the pertinent comments that led to me striking out, I'll start from the beginning.

I was raised by a set of loving parents who taught me that killing people and controlling people for my own gain are wrong. Closet liberals though they may be, my parents instilled in me a belief in the importance of the individual, a love for my fellow man, and a desire to help people. This was of course magnified by over twenty years of religious seeking of the truth. Not the truth as I might want it, but the truth as it is. This is of course according to the best evidence I can find, and given the fact that I am not a qualified scientist I do not have absolute evidence for two reasons. One is that I find philosophy does not require it, it merely requires wisdom and a good line of reasoning. The second is that most of the time philosophy and humans defy reasoning.

Which brings me to the quite interesting institution of the United States Military. For those of you who don't live in this country the US Military Industrial complex is the largest in the history of the planet. They have won almost every war against people on the same technological level with them. Their biggest problem appears to be people with less funding than them. Their solution to these problems is (you may have guessed it) more funding.

 Also if you are a native citizen of the good old US you aren't allowed to question the decisions of senior management without somehow undermining the people who work for them. This is in stark contrast with almost every other large institution on the planet. I mean if I post a large angry rant about Walmart or even the US Postal Service I would DOUBTLESS receive plenty of support from their employees. This is because employees of other institutions do not receive their identity from their employer. In fact if they are even somewhat well adjusted their employer pretty much encourages this.

I say all of this to come around to that I do not hate military service members, past, current or future. Pity some of them, oh sure, but it's their life. Don't get me started about all the wonderful lives lost saving this country, I know all about this and share your patriotic fire for not letting people take over this country. I will not attack anyone directly who has made sacrifices and legitimately helped the country. However, given the freedoms you fought for, I will question the motivations behind almost everything.

Let's get down to the roots, and that is the motivation for starting an armed forces. Why would a country need to not only have the largest military on the planet, but by such a large margin that it is unlikely that anyone will ever catch up? I know part of it is love of country, but frankly you could withdraw all troops to within our borders and shut down most of the military industrial complex and still keep our country safe. I know that isn't what certain people have told you, because being afraid makes good money for many people.
In fact I have heard it said that the military by spending so much money is the most successful welfare project in the history of the country. That just may well be.

So why bother attacking it in the first place? Well that comes back to my central problem with the military and that is what happens when you take these motivations (profit and fear) and lead them to the natural conclusion. It kills people. I know for a fact this mystifies many of my right leaning friends how I can not be in favor of killing my enemies but if necessary I'd rather not. I'll kill them if I have to, if they attack me or my own, but they aren't. In fact with the exception of a few terrorist attacks nobody has launched an attack on our soil in over sixty years. Given that fact I think the money would be better spent helping countries that still have wars over basic things like freedom or the ability of everyone to eat.

Oh and the central part of my other rant was military intelligence, or a lack thereof. I asserted that I do not believe that the military are any more or less intelligent than the average human. I do think that there is a startling lack of empathy and wisdom. I consider empathy essential to being human. I consider gaining wisdom one of the points of living, therefor promoting such a backwards and potentially dangerous (actually proven dangerous) institution is contrary to all that I am.

Thank you for your time.

nothing compares

So very close, so very very close to liberation.
Because you see that is the very essence of my current position. Precariously perched on the brink of seeing what I have longed for so many dark nights. Bursting forth like glorious light. I can almost taste it. I can smell it. I feel it deep down and all around me. The change is undeniable. The hope that is more than hope. So much shorter of a time before waiting for tomorrow will be living for today. Dreams become real, and reality becomes a dream. Soon, the time is measured in heartbeats, and it can only be a handful until it is here. Then what? Then like a great awhoom the joyful noise will surround and the arduous silence will be ended. The metaphysical was the more real this whole time, can you imagine that?

frustrated rant

Don't go out of your way making promises you don't intend to keep,
Don't promise tomorrow is going to be a better day, and here is why:
first of all the entire concept of a better tomorrow is a fantasy. Tomorrow never comes, this is why it is easy to keep saying "oh the better times are still coming", well I've been waiting for tomorrow to be a better day for three years, it hasn't happened, in fact I would say that comparatively if today is yesterday's tomorrow anyone that told me that tomorrow would be any kind of good was either at the least misguided and at the worst completely malevolent. It creates an expectation that you obviously don't intend to follow up on. As the good book says let your yes be yes and your no be no. I'm seriously completely okay with no hope for the future to be better than today, today is fine. It's not the worst things could be, and it's not the best. I'm not content, but I am far more content when I face the reality of the lies I have been told about a better tomorrow and focus on today. Okay? That's all there ever is, has been, or will be is today. "Tomorrow" when I wake up then that will become today, and unless some magical transitive property occurs between me closing my eyes tonight and opening them tomorrow chances are that it won't be better. Chances are it will be another hopeless fucking day. So don't tell me it won't, I'll assume you're full of shit. Either make it a better day or don't say anything if you don't have anything true or worth saying to say.

Prosperity issues

First let me preface this by the fact that I am not a biblical scholar. I have no interest in translating the bible from greek to hebrew to english to arabic and back again to greek just so I REALLY understand it. Frankly that's not my call. I am just a simple man dealing with simple issues in my life. Reading what I have written here that should be obvious.

So encountering this article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pastor-rick-henderson/osteen-meyer-prosperity-gospel_b_3790384.html
My initial response is "oh great another pastor harping on about how God doesn't do that", which, as I've already touched on is a lie. God will do what he will do. He pointed out the error of seeking God for material gain and THAT I agree with. God is not a vending machine. However if you seek God and don't feel you can submit your hopes and dreams to him, it's not a good relationship. If your hopes and dreams require some financial resources to achieve, it would seem to me that if God wants them achieved he will provide.

If he won't then we are serving a very confusing God. Because if you believe in the "works only emotional miracles" God I see many modern Christians hold up, frankly you're not doing any better than any other religion. Any religious form of meditation can bring you inner peace, and for that matter so can some very potent drugs. So if you think God is the only source of a warm fuzzy happiness on the inside you are so very wrong and I am sad for you. God is not your ideal replacement for a drink at the end of a hard day, or for drugs, or meditation. If you need a crutch to deal with the pressures of this world, he will help you DEAL with that, but again, that's falling way short of who he is.

I'm really sick and tired of Christians who want to serve a watered down God. They don't want to reach out in faith and believe God can solve their problem. The bible says clearly if we lay our problems at his feet he will deal with them, maybe not in the way we want, but deal with them he will regardless. I have living proof of these things. So if you are stuck in life because of any material thing, be it illness, economic situation or other real world problem I challenge you to show me the verse saying God cannot show up. Because he can, he has, and he WILL.

If that is somehow wrong Christianity I shouldn't be a christian. I would not follow a God who while all powerful did not care for our troubles, and seek to comfort our broken situations. That would not be a God worth loving. Yes, sometimes he draws those of us who are in pain TO him by the promise of relief. God is not one to promise and not deliver. As the good book says he is not one to change his mind. His ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. No matter how much I learn I have to remind myself that he knows better.

Post Script: God does not care why you come into his presence, the rewards are just as rich. My dad told me once he started going to church because there were lots of cute girls there. He enrolled in a Christian college and met my mother. God has never forgotten him and he has had a much stronger faith than many who have had to deal with the same things. We're all broken. God meets us just where we are and guides us to a closer walk with him. That walk looks different depending on what you need.

You will get through

I'm going to tell you everything your heart is longing to hear, and I am going to back up every last word of it.

It's going to get better, and things will change. Think life is bad now? Imagine being one of the allies in world war two, I bet lots of people thought FDR was in over his head. I mean, a two ocean war? That's insane. Fighting on two fronts is in fact what broke the German war machine. My point, however, is that it changed. He had the courage to say "suck it Hitler, you aren't going to win." This is when the most powerful empire in the world had essentially let Hitler acquire all the power he could need to take over the world.

God sent FDR a Patton. He sent FDR a man who would never quit. Those two men change the world. So what are you worried about?

Is it love you long for with all you have? God has some to spare and you may find that you are perfectly wonderful on your own, if you didn't already know. Don't seek it as a purpose, trust me I've done it. It didn't work. I have someone very sweet and nice now because I understand her place in my life.

Is it money or power you want? Look, you don't want money or power because of those things themselves, you love what they promise you. You probably desire security, safety, and freedom. I can say that most of the paths to getting money or power generally rob you of your security, your safety, your freedom and even your good mental health. Money is a horrible boss. It only wants to make more of itself. It's like a big swarm of cockroaches, eating at our feelings and giving not enough in return.

Now even cockroaches have their place. For example, if you are raising a prey eating animal they are great protein. Insects and other small critters form a basis of a good diet for bigger things. 

If you still don't understand how much more valuable you are to God and to everyone else as compared to money do this for me:
Go get some money out of your wallet. Even a dollar will work because we can all agree that money is money no matter what denomination, correct?
Now set it on the table.  I want you to make a plan to never touch that dollar on the table there. Let it lay there, we're doing an experiment.

Leave the money there for as long as it takes for it to bring one good or redeeming thing into your life. You will wait a lifetime because money on it's own is really just paper. You are worshiping stuff that comes out of trees! How nutty is that?

No matter how bad things are- and believe me I know they are bad- they can and they will get better. Simply as a matter of course you know that after winter comes spring, right? So don't you know that seasons of contentment and good are out there to be lived after the seasons of pain. You wouldn't be in pain if you didn't have some sense that life should be or could be better. Remember that! You believe in you because if you didn't you would not feel pain when things are less than your hopes. Don't get down in the muck and don't quit. There are two types of people when it comes to winning, there are the courageous and the fearful. The fearful man says "ooo scary I think I might well faint dead away if it doesn't get better. Geez I wish someone else would protect me and keep me safe from harm.

Now if you are afraid there's nothing wrong with that. However there is something wrong if you can't accept help. The help you receive will equip you to fight your battles. No one will forever fight your battles for you. Sooner or later you have to take up your own cross despite (or perhaps because of) God's love for you.

A courageous man feels fear. He sees his fear as what it really is, a bag of hot air and lies most of the time. He pushes on. Even when life knocks him down he gets up and fights again.

You have courage, and you have wisdom and you have the strength. I know you do, because frankly you are beautiful and wonderful. God made you that way, and he makes no useless people.  He is fervently rooting for you, even if you never want a relationship with him, he will love on you and bless you. I just think that getting to know him makes understanding easier. So if you want to know why you are blessed and what you can do to get out of a tight spot, lay your trust on the Lord.

No such thing as an idle prayer

no such thing as a worthless life

no such thing as so dark it can shut out the light

he will come and redeem you

he loves you more than you know

there are dreams you will aspire to

times you will desire to lay down your head and quit

but that's not the end of it

you're alive

you're okay

you made it to the end of the day

you  did fine

you tried your best

now let go, let God take the rest

he brings peace

he brings hope

when you're lost in the wilderness he brings you hope

you are not unworthy

you are not a failure

you are not worthless

his love for you is endless

he says you are lovable,

he says you are usable

he says you are irreplaceable, 

how can such a love be?
we can never understand the glory he hold in his hand

we fall so short of his amazing love

Which is when he reminds us he already paid the price

for freedom with his sacrifice

he already broke the chains

and no one can force them on

Out of the darkness I scream these truths for all with ears to hear.

I will not give up
I will choose doubt over hope
though I doubt yet my faith will strengthen
I will not listen to people who complain about the impossible,
Who ever profited by looking at what can't be done?
I concern myself with what can be done.
I trust with all my heart in the only one who can save me, and the only one who will
I will love my fellow man, even when it's hard
I choose life, I choose to fight back against fear, and foolish behavior
I seek wisdom, I seek peace, and I seek purpose
Above all else I seek God, because who other than him could give me those three things?
I may wrestle with him, I may have my bad days, but he is faithful, and he does love me. His love is so great he sticks around even when I hurt him. He loves me despite the fact that sometimes watching my struggles must be painful to him. Yet though these things cause him pain he sees the wide view. He knows the purpose for these tests. He knows what I need to learn and because I have asked him I will receive it (or have) and will move on.
I choose thankfulness. I'm thankful for my family and friends. They are reliable and caring when the whole world seems against me. I am thankful for what small comforts I can find in this place. I'm grateful for this peace that consumes me right now. I'm grateful for the fact that joy comes in the morning. I'm so amazingly thankful that this season WILL come to a complete end. I am so very thankful that his timing will be perfect. I believe good days are right around the corner. I believe a better life is something I can reach for. So long as I can dream, so long as I can love, and so long as I can think I am riding this roller coaster of life for every thrill and amazing thing it has.
I am more secure in who I am and what I am today than I have been in my entire life. Though I may present as a mess, I'm a beautiful mess to me, and to God. He doesn't count the hurts, he counts the blessings, and he counts the times I have said yes to him. The times I have managed to be faithful. As for my problems, he will remove those he has planned to remove, and he will use the rest to remind me to love others. I didn't know what it was like to love with such reckless abandon until I reached a point that love was the greatest gift I had.
This is where I am, this is where I have been, and this is where I'm going. I'm not done yet, oh no! My best days are right in front of me. I will find joy in the midst of pain, and purpose in the midst of disaster. These things must sound so silly to those that haven't seen. Well don't just take my word for it, ask him to redeem your life, to make your scars speak of fighting for right.
Goodnight beautiful people, I hope I can bless some of you tomorrow!

uncomfortable questions that I need answers for

So I am involved in a fervent quest for answers to my questions. I bring them here because I think that someone else must have the same questions.

First of all, is it God's will for good things to happen in my life?
Look, I can say without a doubt he loves me. That isn't what I am asking.
I know without a doubt that he has the POWER to change my life so it isn't agony.
I know that he eventually will make things better. HOWEVER, it may not be in this world. The book says PLENTY on him loving us and wanting to give us good things. The thing is, that could mean after we die. I am finding more and more saying that life is short term, and death is the release. So why don't christians kill themselves. If we take a scripture and what God is doing approach we have to accept that God wills us to go through trials and pains to test our faith. Why? Fuck if I know, he's God, he does shit. Or sometimes he DOESN'T do shit. But just because he doesn't do shit sometimes doesn't mean he loves us any less, saavy?

It just means that it's a different kind of love. He is totally okay with us going through temporary pain if it exhibits his glory effectively. So, at least so far I have no findings to support that living is a good thing. No verse in the bible backs it up. Life will suck for some people and not so much for others, there is no justice in this. There is no logic, good people suffer as well as bad. He just wants us not to hurt others while we are in trial. He wants us to take the hit over and over like a man and not spit blood on the people he is busy blessing.

Disprove me, PLEASE. I hate this conclusion. I hate life as it exists for me as well. However there is no comfort for the pain deep in my heart in realizing that perhaps it's not going to end, perhaps death is the only release. I can't kill myself because that would hurt people, you see? Living is the most clever prison ever devised for a compassionate loving creature. You can't leave, and it's not getting better. Sucks doesn't it? Don't you wish God would let you die? Well, he can't do that, not in his nature..... Well, he can do that, but most likely he won't do that. I've been asking for years and as you can see by my continued posts I haven't received the gift of death.