Most of the time I like to try and plaster over my hurt and pain about my past. The biggest reason is I don't like to whine. It isn't a pride thing, it's that no one gives a damn, and that makes talking about it pretty pointless. I've pretty much stopped talking about pain. I mention it to God from time to time, since he never gets tired of hearing about my shit, but humans have no such interest.
I guess I started down this path hoping to find why I'm not trusting or vulnerable anymore, and already I have my answer: I don't find empathy in others. Not to a level that makes me open myself to others. I am capable of empathy for others, but I use it strategically, it's not really that useful for relationships.
Well shit, I don't see a fix for this, apart from deeper into therapy. I'd have to find a competent therapist capable of understanding/diagnosing/treating the gap between my current psyche and well adjusted... whatever that means. Further though openness would be lovely for my relationships with close family, with everyone else it would be, a step in the wrong direction.
Feeling things is great when people are protective of your feelings. When you live in a toxic world full of hurtful/careless people feelings are a liability. Expectations line up with realities. I expect people to be self interested and careless. So far that works. Sadly being cynical is said to be bad for faith. I do try to find good in others. I've noticed that very few people set out to be evil for example. Most people do what we would call bad things through totally justifiable motivations. I think everyone wants to be good. I just wish anyone was. Good of course is relatively subjective. The world I want to live in is different than what other people want... I'd rather be happy than wealthy, and I'd much rather provide my own validation than get it from others.
I guess I started down this path hoping to find why I'm not trusting or vulnerable anymore, and already I have my answer: I don't find empathy in others. Not to a level that makes me open myself to others. I am capable of empathy for others, but I use it strategically, it's not really that useful for relationships.
Well shit, I don't see a fix for this, apart from deeper into therapy. I'd have to find a competent therapist capable of understanding/diagnosing/treating the gap between my current psyche and well adjusted... whatever that means. Further though openness would be lovely for my relationships with close family, with everyone else it would be, a step in the wrong direction.
Feeling things is great when people are protective of your feelings. When you live in a toxic world full of hurtful/careless people feelings are a liability. Expectations line up with realities. I expect people to be self interested and careless. So far that works. Sadly being cynical is said to be bad for faith. I do try to find good in others. I've noticed that very few people set out to be evil for example. Most people do what we would call bad things through totally justifiable motivations. I think everyone wants to be good. I just wish anyone was. Good of course is relatively subjective. The world I want to live in is different than what other people want... I'd rather be happy than wealthy, and I'd much rather provide my own validation than get it from others.
No comments:
Post a Comment