I'm going to see the new therapist in a few hours, and to be honest that's one of the only reasons I'm writing. As dark as things are at the moment there is serious doubt that a future self will exist to read what I'm writing. Yet I seem currently incapable of death, and there are other things to talk about.
One is that the bank that holds my mortgage decided to jack up the payments by 20% this year. I am now for the first time paying more than my parents do for a house twice the size of mine, and on two incomes. I'm told this isn't currently my concern, but it delays my recovery. It's hard to come to a place where I believe things will get better when they are getting worse. It's hard to not feel like a victim when I have been attacked.
I don't want it to sound like I'm ungrateful. It's quite nice that everyone is supporting me so well, and it is what is currently keeping me unsuicidal (that, coffee, tobacco and meds). I feel more like I'm delaying the inevitable.
What am I sticking around for? I'm really just waiting to be the last to die. Given my self destructive nature I doubt I'll manage that. I cannot stand or come to grips with the concept of leaving my loved ones to deal with my death. Yet the fact is I'm surprised the pain has not yet overwhelmed my ability to feel empathy. Until that happens I'm stuck here.
Nothing else to report.
One is that the bank that holds my mortgage decided to jack up the payments by 20% this year. I am now for the first time paying more than my parents do for a house twice the size of mine, and on two incomes. I'm told this isn't currently my concern, but it delays my recovery. It's hard to come to a place where I believe things will get better when they are getting worse. It's hard to not feel like a victim when I have been attacked.
I don't want it to sound like I'm ungrateful. It's quite nice that everyone is supporting me so well, and it is what is currently keeping me unsuicidal (that, coffee, tobacco and meds). I feel more like I'm delaying the inevitable.
What am I sticking around for? I'm really just waiting to be the last to die. Given my self destructive nature I doubt I'll manage that. I cannot stand or come to grips with the concept of leaving my loved ones to deal with my death. Yet the fact is I'm surprised the pain has not yet overwhelmed my ability to feel empathy. Until that happens I'm stuck here.
Nothing else to report.
