Came to another crisis point today. Which just highlighted how poorly I have let go, how poor I am at trust. I just couldn't even figure it out.
The problem is that I long to function highly. Deeply, I long to exercise often, work until I'm dog tired, run myself ragged and come back for more. Yet beneath all of that is the lurking fear. Fear that I might lose myself again. Fear that I want to lose myself. That my self destructive impulses might take my sanity away, again. With it would go my freedom.
So I try to recede, sleep and accept my powerlessness. Yet it is so hard to trust, so hard to wait. Day after day I push ahead, trying new things, trying not to let my loved ones down.
I don't see the way out, because it isn't time yet. I still believe in that light at the end of the tunnel, I'm still breathing so it's not over yet. God can still work his wonders. I'm just being taught patience in a very painful way.
The problem is that I long to function highly. Deeply, I long to exercise often, work until I'm dog tired, run myself ragged and come back for more. Yet beneath all of that is the lurking fear. Fear that I might lose myself again. Fear that I want to lose myself. That my self destructive impulses might take my sanity away, again. With it would go my freedom.
So I try to recede, sleep and accept my powerlessness. Yet it is so hard to trust, so hard to wait. Day after day I push ahead, trying new things, trying not to let my loved ones down.
I don't see the way out, because it isn't time yet. I still believe in that light at the end of the tunnel, I'm still breathing so it's not over yet. God can still work his wonders. I'm just being taught patience in a very painful way.
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