Another day, heartache and all

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You know, being alone long term does change you.

Anyway, I wanted to tell this story with a clear head. I had another dream last night that defies interpretation by dream dictionaries due to being too specific. I dreamed that somehow I found a recording of my ex wife and I on a TV show. In this show she was cheating on me with the star of the show. My dad was there too. The point is that none of us had speaking roles despite being part of the plot. I guess that sums it up. I don't feel like I'm the star of my own life. I feel like someone else is winning because someone else stole the only woman I ever trusted. So there it is. That's that case wrapped up.

Anyway, it's another day, the pain goes on and there's only one solution for me, that's move on. Yesterday sucked.
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Missed classes because of sucky parking and traffic. I hate this town. I wish God would take this problem away, but that's just kind of the chorus to my life at this point. I'm sorry to be a downer. I'm leaving now.
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 let's try seeing if this DOESN'T crash my computer this time..... (post attempt 2, last time the preview sent a fatal error at my computer.)

new priorities

oh gosh, I started the idea of this post this morning before work, before the gym, and before ALOT of soul searching.
Today I have had multiple conversations about and on God. Despite watching diary of a wimpy kid with my kiddos, God still used me to minister today. If even to one, ministry is still alive.
I guess the really big issue in my life is where to. I've been wrestling with the career half of it and have decided to go down the path towards the MD. I am not CERTAIN that I want the ending of MD, but the path looks right, it feels hopeful, and hope is up right now.
Which of course throws into contrast that which is not hopeful. Sex, for one. I mean, I just spent an hour having a complicated conversation explaining to a friend about the nature of finding an amazing woman in your early 20s, feeling like a teenager, screwing it up because you're scared and living the rest of your life in regret. Because that's a thing.
But here is the thing, I have said over 20 times today that A."God has a plan for your(my) life. He wants the best for you(me)" and B. "Sometimes you(I) think you(I) know what you(I) want/need but only God can provide that. So while I can't be sure that God will do what you(I) expect I can say that he will watch over you and guide you through it for his glory."
I completely stand by both of those statements, both of them are true. They are also difficult if not nigh impossible to implement on your own. I'm not going to resort to metephor because believe it or not I'm trying to go to bed. Yes, God wants the best for me and even if I don't know it he is working great things in my life to help me do better. Every day.
My sex drive is screwed up. I know there are women I'm sexually attracted to, but given my current place in the grand plan I don't feel worthy of having sex with them and procreating. Which leaves me in a sexually frustrated state I think would even make the apostle Paul say "That's some crazy shit"(I'm paraphrasing).
I'm crazy about love, when I'm ministering to people, or when I'm loving God or my family. Those that I can't screw it up with. Let's take THAT apart.

The assurance that I won't screw up is the only reason I take huge risks and get away with it. I love my kiddos on a level others don't because God commands me to and because I get away with it due to God wanting me to. I love my family because I'm allowed to and they love me back. I love God because he's amazing and I would be lost without him. Why should I love a woman?
The moment I find a woman I completely desire (it doesn't happen often, don't worry) I get super excited and either I screw it up, God throws a wrench or she runs off. Sometimes a combination of those is involved. The point is I get so happy over receiving the gift from God that I don't worship the giver of the gift above the gift itself. Because up until recently my relationships with the females in my life has been better than my relationship with God. God had to put me in a place where that didn't work anymore to make me see who he is and who he wants to be in my life.

I don't know what I concluded, other than that I am tired and God has a plan. I never even raised the question about whether God wants me to ever get married. Well, for another time. If ever.

here is today's happy fun time:
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something I never talk about, body image

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So, this is the sort of thing I watch, I've read probably 15 books or so on the subject of diet and exercise. Let me summarize and save you a TON of heartache and trouble.

Summary of all gym books and magazines: "None of those guys have any idea what they are talking about. They may say their science is real but my science is WAY more real. I got ripped on this plan, you can too."
About 12-30 pages of THAT.
Then it's: "Uncomfortable diet, heavy exercise."

I want to talk about the whole industry of men's health. It's a big pyramid scheme of that there are some really ripped dudes out there. Did they get there by hard work? Perhaps, but the real key to LOOKING ripped? low body fat percentage. As you age this get's LOTS harder. Not to mention if you want to go from 25 percent body fat (which is low AVERAGE, where I was at the beginning of the summer) to 7-9 percent body fat (and I have been working out like crazy for the past 4 months and still am NOT there) you have to have way more resources to devote to it. One key I believe is lower stress makes goals like this easier. If you live a lifestyle where you have to take anti anxiety medicine to GET THROUGH THE DAY....... getting ripped is going to be harder. My anti anxiety medicine, for example, makes me eat. Like I start to feel like I don't know how to go on breathing if I don't eat right after I take the stuff. Anti depressants are 10 times worse. Now it is a fact I could live without anti anxiety medicine, but at that point I could not work where I do and do what I do. The frankly superhuman level of patience I have with the BS I see on a daily basis has a chemical root. I don't know how to do it any other way.

Now to the psychological root of this whole desire, it's vanity, pure and simple. I'm already strong, but it's not enough. Not while I'm not pushing myself, going farther every day to be the best.

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haha, yes exactly. Did you ever notice that Ash is the worst trainer ever? He let all kinds of legendary Pokemon just get away, not catching them all is what I'm saying. Why are we leaving saving the world to a preteen? I mean that's just plain irresponsible. Alright, I'm stopping.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I have a certain amount of male vanity and pride still. I've been so completely humbled when it comes to my career, my life, realizing it's God's not mine. Realizing that it really doesn't matter if I'm doing what I want for a living, or if I'm where I want to be. If he says I need to be there, then that's what I need to abide by. 

Gratitude letters episode 1: The employer

I needed to write this letter for other reasons, but I want this to be a new exercise for me to do. Stay tuned, also planning one for ex wife, and for the bullies I dealt with as a child. This is for people who have been in my life more recently in my life. I've dealt with a number of employers since my departure from marriage. This is to one of them. I won't name them to protect their interests, so this is my disclaimer:

This letter is written to a real life entity. That entity is a spirit of want, or of greed. This letter is not a reflection on any person living or dead except for their slavery to that entity. If this convicts you that is of your own account. If you are offended, well, in the words of someone whom I respect "live with it. Such problems come with the territory." I welcome any intelligent discussion on the issues. Enough of my legalistic prattle, the letter at last:

To whom it may concern,

For many years I have studied at your feet. Not in the note of one whom puts themselves at the feet of a guru or mentor, but as a slave endures under the boot of their owner. But you do not own me, in truth you never did. But this is not a letter for me to communicate how I have been hurt by you. To be honest I feel like such a letter would be white noise in the environment you create around you. This is a letter to say thank you.
For every lesson I could not have learned without you, I thank you.
I am forever in gratitude to you for teaching me so well. I doubt you even knew you were teaching, yet learn I did. For never being there, you made me learn to stand on my own. By never taking responsibility for me, you taught me accountability. By not making time for me you taught me to rely on a higher power. By throwing me repeatedly into challenging situations out of my depth, you made me stronger. By making me fight to survive, you made me passionate about living. Even as you sucked the life out of me I was stronger to be refilled. You gave me a common good to fight for. You gave me allies to defend. You gave me humility by showing me the frivolity of my selfish pride. You gave me so much. Most of all, deep in my heart you gave me the assurance that someday if I trust in God you will not be in my life anymore. For many years I had lost direction. I knew I wanted to help people but I didn't know where to find them. You gave me a cause. You gave counterpoint to my passions and drives. To an idealist you gave dystopian fear, a community that makes Dilbert look optimistic and makes Camus a ray of sunshine. To a lost man you gave a road to follow, though you are not in the road, you are the brier that reminds me what could happen if I stumble. I pray I always remember the lesson I learned seeing the people who that happened to. Thank you for giving me experience. Thank you for being a challenging opponent, and letting me play hero if only in my mind.

Sincerely,
This guy

Humbled

I hope I have effectively communicated how humbled I feel at present. My situation is at constant odds with me, trying to crush me, yet I carry on. The world tries to stomp me out, yet here I am. I found some books that Lindsay and I did together, a scrapbook and a premarital workbook. I felt convicted to contact Mark Young and apologize. I did, and it was gut wrenching. I don't know that anything will come of it, but he told me not to marry the woman, and I didn't listen. I'm older, hopefully wiser now. I'm going to contact my old friend Shelby as well.

deeper hope: Faith in action

I find doing something out of faith an incredibly deep and personal process. It can change so much about my personal walk, just moving, doing something to worship him.

I do think I'm strange. I'm odd because I don't get as excited about God when I'm talking about him in church. That's the part that drives me NUTS. Because we sit around two hours a week and TALK, and WORSHIP, but nothing comes of it, apart from obedience which I understand the value. It is also of value to keep the sabbath holy, and so I do. But days like today, ordinary working days where God and I meet and talk, those are the days that mean everything to me. Today just cleaning my house is a worship. I'm thanking God for all he has given me, and it is alot. I'm doing something that feels alien and unnatural to my flesh, in my darkest days I am preparing for my brightest. Why am I cleaning my house?

The spirit urges me to. Many days the spirit urges me to go the gym, and I often meet God there when I let go of my stress and my pain and perform my best. But I have been not at peace for some time about this house. I feel it is a burden, yet I know it's a blessing, God just has to bring things back into perspective. *sigh*

This is hard. It's hard for me to explain how God is working on my heart while he's doing it. I feel you would really have to be here getting dirty and setting things right one by one with God and I to understand what he's doing in my heart. Perhaps it's an answer to prayer. Perhaps it's the anticipation of liberation. Like a prisoner cleaning his cell waiting for release. Not really that grave (though spiritually it is pretty dire some days), more like the Isrealites crossing the Jordon into the promise land.

I feel I can see it, I can taste it, I can feel his presence and I know that he will do what he promises. I don't know how, and I don't know what it will look like. But this is my act of worship today. More work to follow, but it's good work.

quickie update

So ever so slowly I'm trying to turn it back around. One cigar at a time I'm turning back the tide (I had two a day for a few days there) every morning I try to use my time more effectively, which of course means less time for lust (unless it's a LUST FOR LIFE haha)

Today's music:

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Every girl IS a something girl. Which reminds me, had to break a few hearts at work this week by finally being ready to spread it around that I am taken. Not that I had other things on the line, I had some girls that would have LIKED to be. Granted dating someone you work with is not only unethical in my line of work, it could be career suicide. Saucy flirting? That's fine. But actually getting involved is dangerous.

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ANYWAY!!
I need to go make some weights quiver with fear. Or whatever they do when they are going to be hit SO FRICKEN HARD!!!
LET'S DO THIS!!