I can't quite put a finger on the feeling in my gut. It's one thing to acknowledge the difficulties facing me, and the spiritual nature of the fight that is both behind and ahead of me. It's something entirely different to live it. I feel like I'm trying to swim through an ocean of quicksand in a dense fog. Around my waist is a rope, and on the other end of the rope is God, and he's pulling me through. It's an apt metaphor given that I have to keep swimming, but I am painfully aware that I'm not getting to the other side without his help. That being said every day is another one wondering if today is the day I can't fight anymore. I can't help but wonder when this never-ending well of faith energy will dry up. If I'm not concerned about that I'm wondering when I'll get pulled out of this quicksand.
I guess that's why they call faith the hard road. It's still a daily project for me to release power and control. It's hard because I want to be strong. I want to be a warrior, to get respect, and be master of my destiny. The fact is that no matter how physically strong I get, how influential I become, and how intelligent I get there is no such thing as total control. Which is why I keep offering up what control I can give up to a being who embodies perfect control.
The frustration today is the enemy and his/their resources. I'm not a big believer in the devil's power and I'm no baptist. However I don't think there is a believer in Christ alive that doesn't know there are some dark powers out there. Some of them are innocent seeming: ambition, pride, jealous love and independence. However knowing that the motivations are good doesn't change the fight I'm fighting. I have killed paranoia dead with one thought: What profit is there in persecuting me?
However that just opens a deeper and darker door. I realize that the people I have cast as my adversaries are humans with authentic human needs, and justified human motivations. My honor demands that I not only love my enemies as best I can, but that I attempt to understand them. It's also the simple strategic fact that knowing the enemy is the best way of getting news first.
Just because they are honest (by my standards) humans doesn't mean what they are doing isn't wrong. It's also true that just because I can't point to one person as my enemy doesn't mean there aren't obstacles in my path. It feels like those obstacles have limitless resources, because I have been fighting a long time. That's just my pride talking though, no one on this earth has limitless resources. For every obstacle there is a path, and for every pain there is a comfort.
A further challenge is that though I go before God childlike in my need, his answer is to the adult me. The adult who is strong enough to fight, and the man who he needs me to be. He is able, but it seems like he wants to use this fire to refine me.
I wish so often that I could understand what task he has to form me to do. Almost as strongly as I beg him to end this torment, in one way or another. He answers always "I will, hold on." or "You'll be seeing it soon enough." Oh how my eyes long to see, how my back longs for the rest only he can provide. Would that I could gnaw my own legs off I would if it would bring my answer even a day closer. However that answer is one of mercy, and mercy can't be earned. Mercy comes when we're ready, and when it's best for us. Yet again I say he knows better, and he is as near to me as one being can be to another without being one. He won't let go, not even if I could turn away, he would drag me back. He knows my buttons, and I won't change them because I trust him. Trust pretty much sums up the trouble, and faith sums up the answer.
I guess that's why they call faith the hard road. It's still a daily project for me to release power and control. It's hard because I want to be strong. I want to be a warrior, to get respect, and be master of my destiny. The fact is that no matter how physically strong I get, how influential I become, and how intelligent I get there is no such thing as total control. Which is why I keep offering up what control I can give up to a being who embodies perfect control.
The frustration today is the enemy and his/their resources. I'm not a big believer in the devil's power and I'm no baptist. However I don't think there is a believer in Christ alive that doesn't know there are some dark powers out there. Some of them are innocent seeming: ambition, pride, jealous love and independence. However knowing that the motivations are good doesn't change the fight I'm fighting. I have killed paranoia dead with one thought: What profit is there in persecuting me?
However that just opens a deeper and darker door. I realize that the people I have cast as my adversaries are humans with authentic human needs, and justified human motivations. My honor demands that I not only love my enemies as best I can, but that I attempt to understand them. It's also the simple strategic fact that knowing the enemy is the best way of getting news first.
Just because they are honest (by my standards) humans doesn't mean what they are doing isn't wrong. It's also true that just because I can't point to one person as my enemy doesn't mean there aren't obstacles in my path. It feels like those obstacles have limitless resources, because I have been fighting a long time. That's just my pride talking though, no one on this earth has limitless resources. For every obstacle there is a path, and for every pain there is a comfort.
A further challenge is that though I go before God childlike in my need, his answer is to the adult me. The adult who is strong enough to fight, and the man who he needs me to be. He is able, but it seems like he wants to use this fire to refine me.
I wish so often that I could understand what task he has to form me to do. Almost as strongly as I beg him to end this torment, in one way or another. He answers always "I will, hold on." or "You'll be seeing it soon enough." Oh how my eyes long to see, how my back longs for the rest only he can provide. Would that I could gnaw my own legs off I would if it would bring my answer even a day closer. However that answer is one of mercy, and mercy can't be earned. Mercy comes when we're ready, and when it's best for us. Yet again I say he knows better, and he is as near to me as one being can be to another without being one. He won't let go, not even if I could turn away, he would drag me back. He knows my buttons, and I won't change them because I trust him. Trust pretty much sums up the trouble, and faith sums up the answer.
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