The woman I love

I do not think in the nearly four years I have been keeping a blog I have had a post like this.
I'd like to talk about the woman I love.

It feels as though I've been alive several lifetimes. There was the lifetime where I was married, then that guy died. Then there was my second life, carefree bachelor days serving myself and very little else. Then there was my life of extreme faith and fervor for causes and philosophy.

I don't know when that last one ended, or if it ever really did. I am still prone to rant on endlessly about the injustice in the world, or my displeasure about my place in it (mostly financially, sometimes socially). At times I forget, or refuse to see what I have. I'm not going into a rant about how wonderful life is, in fact I just came back from a disappointing workout, after a disappointing semester at school, and I suspect I am going to soon be getting a disappointing job.

The woman I love is an island of sanity in a life I feel is out of control. Her love for me is an anchor. She doesn't hate me for my flaws, she loves me regardless. Sometimes even because of them. She doesn't expect me to overcome my natural shortcomings, to be someone I'm not or to rise to make so much that she never has to work. She knows I work hard, and it seems that's enough. She told me she never intends to leave me. I've heard that before, but she's been here for nearly a year. I'm starting to think she might be serious about that.

I never would have seen it happening like this. The biggest reason is I would have never abandoned my life to this madness willingly. The fact that she has loved me in the worst days of my life means more than some of the happiest moments I've had. No, it's not the most erotic feeling I've ever had. Erotic feelings are hormones. I still think that up there in erotic feelings are uncontrollable erections in math class when the girl you like is sitting across the room and doesn't notice you. My top ten erotic feelings include several very unromantic and unrealistic moments. Hormones are weird.

I was thinking about saying whether it is the most romantic relationship I've had, and it might be. I'm constantly experiencing an emotion of "I found you" which sums up the most romantic feeling for me. Finding someone right next to me who is everything I need, that's romance. Not some random chick I think I love letting me take her out, I've been there, done that. The romance I build up in my head for the girl I've got a jones for is usually way more than she can deliver.

Romance is realizing that even though a woman isn't the perfect size, she feels amazing in my arms. Love is finding a woman sexy because she is so good to me.  She's not perfect, thank God! I don't trust something that seems perfect, it's usually pretty hard to keep up.

I can say I'd like her to have my children. I'd like to marry her. I hope that things last. The thing is that even if they don't, this is a nice moment. It's nice that I look forward to seeing her every day. It's nice that I really do think she belongs next to me in my bed. More-so than others who have tried to fill the spot. 

strange obscure stuff for fun

I don't know what I found..... It's wonderful, strange, awful, and simply insane.

So with that in mind I present for your joy:

I'd say it's like a cross between HP Lovecraft and They Might Be Giants. I have ordered an album by this fellow Bill Frenzer and encourage supporting this very interesting man.

This next one we cannot support because for unfathomable reasons it's not only very hard to find this music, it appears that an album hasn't been published. Maybe someone will hound him to release this.

I'm sorry, normally I have more than this to share. I just don't think anything stacks up to these two things for weird and wonderful. If you disagree post song names and artists, I might be able to track them down.

A word on so called "Freedom"

I don't know if it's growing up in Tea Party country or a sign of the times but I have generated quite a few problems with so called freedom. Growing up I was fed a version of history that is both centered on America and focused on portraying America (and Americans) as excellent.

This is all to lead up to the idea for why America tells me we've gone to war so much in our short history. That reason is said to be freedom.

The dictionary definition of freedom is:
"the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint." (source Google)

The point I started to have some unpleasant feeling towards the word was during the two wars starting after the events of 2001. The reason as I remember it was to "spread freedom". It conjured up an image of american with a big butter knife spreading freedom like jam. Jammy goodness for all!

But wait, how can you spread freedom? It's an idea, and in actual concept has been shrinking for years (and at no time faster than right after 2001). If you ask historians the reason for the american revolution was taxation without representation. Do we have it better now? Look at the colonies still associated with the UK, are things bad there?

Meanwhile in the United States we have the greatest wealth gap in our history. Freedom in this country seems to be more about a freedom to amass large hunks of resources at the expense of others. The poor are completely unrepresented in government as money has become speech. Don't pretend we live in a democracy, that day was over a little while ago. Let's watch how long before I can't speak against our wonderful capitalist masters (heavy sarcasm).

There is no freedom so long as there are those not free to eat, or drink clean water, or live a respectable life. All the numbers point to there being more than enough resources on this planet to go around. So why don't they? Freedom. There's plenty of freedom in America. It's just a shame that it's in the hands of so few.

Reseeding the lawn as meditation

I personally believe that anything can be meditation, but some things are better than others. My personal experience has shown growing plants to be a very meditative practice. It forces patience, requires vigilance and encourages humility. I must wait for the plant to grow. While I wait it is beneficial to be constantly watchful of my plants (particularly young ones) for signs of disease, not enough water or too much water. Of course in my yard it is not possible to get rid of too much water but anyway.

Over the past few years I have neglected my lawn to the point that the back lawn three months ago had less grass than the sidewalk on the front of the house. This is shameful to me, I cannot abide for a house that represents me to the world. So two months ago I started reseeding. For three weeks nothing happened. Then large sections starting growing very quickly. Then I stopped seeing new sprouts. Around 40% of the area with no plant growth before had grass now. I kept watering, but this resulted in moss starting to form on the ground, the remaining seeds wouldn't sprout.

So last night I bought another round of grass seed, and I got some of it on the ground today (and it's raining).

The lesson I have learned is that when I work hard, there will be results. At the same time, those results are humbling to my pride. I am young yet and have much to learn. It seems to be a very suburban value system to spend so much time and emotional energy on grass, which does very little in a real sense. It's not about that though, it's about getting reward where I can.

Life is changing. Soon I will be embarking on a new career. In turbulent times I find comfort in simple things, the green of new grass, the way the new growth looks so thankful to be here. I too am thankful for my life such as it is. Thankful to be on this planet in this moment, and to be able to share my joy with others.

hopeless

I don't have anything to say here that I haven't said before. I look forward at the dark abyss that is the future. Every time I think it's as dark as it can get, life trumps that. I don't believe in rock bottom, if I'm breathing there is something I can lose. There is something I'm taking for granted. Yes, others have it worse, I know because I keep getting worse. Everyone says God will find a way, I'm baffled to see how.

Rest In Peace Mickey Rooney

Mickey Rooney passed yesterday. While he may not be as familiar to younger generations he was in countless films through his 93 years. Pete's Dragon has to be my favorite, here he is in all his glory (I was just singing this while playing skyrim)

of course I can't really be sad, there is nothing better than a life well lived. A life worthy of good parody:
Oh that's right, SNL is nearly impossible to find online due to copyright law.... a shame since this is one of my all time favorite skits, so here is the transcript:
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/91/91itheatre.phtml

Purpose

I'd like to share a part of the affirmation from my previous regular church, Victory Christian in Tulsa Oklahoma.

"I'm here on purpose because I have a purpose"

What is a purpose? I ask out of genuine confusion. I'm not confused as to the meaning (checks dictionary).

According to Google a purpose is, "the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists." Which kind of implies that something is created. I suppose my stance is ultimately humanist as I find that concept very silly.

Biologically the facts state that a person is born because life wants to reproduce. Why? Because life affronts basic entropy by trying to stick around regardless of what sort of issues come up. So if you want a scientific reason for existence, this is it: to exist.

So this gives a much better answer for why bad things happen: stress testing. If I don't make it, I didn't deserve to and thus my failure is justified. Which is actually the EXACT SAME ANSWER that Christianity has for why God allows life to fuck with us.

1 Peter 1:6-8 says: "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,…"

So we might then conclude that the Christian purpose for life is to suffer... which again is too simple.

Christ said "I come that you may have life and life more abundantly"..... and I was going to jump on a rant about how Christ came so that life would be okay, but it does not say that. It says we would have life and have it abundantly... Which depends on what your definition of life is.

Again the Google definition is: "the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death."

Was there anything in there about getting rich? How about romance? Peace? Happiness? Safety? No?
Because all that is crap. The only thing Christ says about it amounts essentially to "don't worry about it and it will be taken care of well".

The other often quote scripture says that God has a plan for you, plans for hope and a future. The problem is that scripture was directed to a specific group of people. Heck, I can go one better, read the promises of Isaiah. There is a SPECIFIC LITERAL PROMISE to make you rich. To encrust your walls with precious stones. Go to God and try to claim that promise. Go on, it'll be fun..... Oh he didn't do anything about that? Maybe that's because that specific promise is directed towards some specific people that aren't you or me.

Fuck. I'd love to believe in some sort of magical purpose God has for my life, but realistically the only reason I am here right now is that I survived. If I had put a gun to my head God's plan would move along just as well. If there is a plan where is it? If God actually has some kind of shit he wants done by me would he allow such a fucking strong desire to die to exist? Fuck no. A purpose denotes importance, forethought and possibly love. I don't deny that God loves us. I heavily question whether that love includes a future, hope, happiness, or life EVER stopping hurting. It doesn't have to happen. If it did, it would. As always I may be proven entirely wrong. I would love for that to happen. I'm not typing this up because I'm on the attack with God, I'm on the defense from life. God can either be on my side or on the sidelines. He's good so he can't attack me directly. In fact he can't through inaction hurt me. All he can do is show up later and say there was a purpose to it........ I struggle with this. I've been asking questions and am still yet to get an answer.

Here is what Kurt Vonnegut came up with in Cat's Cradle:
"In the beginning, God created the earth, and he looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness.
And God said, “Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done.”  And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man.  Mud as man alone could speak.  God leaned close as mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke.  Man blinked.  “What is the purpose of all this?” he asked politely.
“Everything must have a purpose?” asked God.
“Certainly,” said man.
“Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this,” said God.  And He went away."

Seems as good an answer as any.

writing to vent

There are many purposes of writing. Sometimes you write to make money. Sometimes you write to please or impress someone. Then sometimes it's just because if you don't fucking say something you're going to scream.

Yes, today I am writing because of the third reason. I managed to make it back to this fucking pointless class this week, and I really thought "ok, I can do this". To preface this I got an amazing game started last night, I just got back into working out, and it's a beautiful spring day outside. Oh and let's not forget that this class is a three hour train wreck about something I already know well enough about. Should be easy? Yeah, it was last semester, when I had a teacher with a genuine love of people. I don't know how to describe this class.

It's not that she's a bad teacher, it's that she wants to challenge me and instead makes me angry. Reminds me of a therapist I once had. The current assignment we are working on is a research paper where we take three sources and pull some kind of common topic out of them. Ok, great, give me three cups of coffee, some concerta and my tv/game turned off in the room to motivate me to fucking finish. Instead we launch into this in class...... I don't want to be here anyway and she is wanting me to work on an assignment that contains not ONE creative thought.

I cannot state even how frustrated I am with this class