children's education

So I am having a little trouble writing about my life itself, mostly because of what is going to happen over the next few days. After it happens, I will likely write up a storm about it. For now, I want to talk about education for children. Children in this case including anyone up to eighteen years old.

Education is a problem near and dear to my heart for several reasons. For one I consider myself a moderately intelligent person who owes literally none of it to the school system. If the public school system can receive any credit for my education it is that they left some good books around in their libraries. I had a few precious years in private schools to which I owe almost all of my critical thinking faculties. My parents provided documentaries, cultural education, summer camps, and other enrichment programs that helped form my mind into what it is today. Is it perfect? No, I frequently feel I fall far short of the potential my genetics and economic status growing up should have assured me.

So here we are, and I am doing what I can to undo any untruth poured into my head, while building up the good education I have received. I am pretty firmly into the adult period of education, which while enriching and wonderful in it's way does not smack of hope the way childhood education does. So I am working on figuring out education for my children. I have yet to have any, but the education of the next generation is important. How well educated my children are will inform how they make decisions for me should anything bad happen, like getting senile.

So, what flaws caused my primary school education to be unsatisfactory. First the perceptions of disability and it's correlation to intelligence. Not all impediments are a sign of low IQ or diminished ability to absorb information. It sometimes only means that they need different approach. This is not to say more money, more people, or more time in class. It means the right person. The right teachers are vital, and sometimes that means more money for private schools.

Second is inconsistency in content which meant I played catch up for too much of my academic career.  At some point it became intensely frustrating to the point I ceased attempting to excel and began focusing on survival. When that shift occurred my  education in many senses ended. Surviving to pass tests and get into the next class is not learning. It turns education into a menial and tedious job of memorizing facts. So providing a steady learning environment, meaning one school for most of the childhood would likely help.

Finally focus is important. In high school I found a passion for tinkering again and attempted to apply it. I was sidelined entirely by a horribly frustrating focus on morality. My parents had provided an excellent framework for building my personal morality, and I found it horribly offensive to spend a day out of five a week hearing backwards red state morality. Much of that has turned out to be the worst sort of propaganda and tripe, and I will do whatever I have to if it keeps my child from having to put up with that from a learning institution. They are there to learn, and while it is an important lesson for a child to learn there are idiots in this world, they shouldn't have to think of the people controlling their education as those idiots.

*sigh*

I'm still waiting for a breakthrough. I am told time and again by others, by sermons, even by scripture that it's coming, but there are times, right now being one of them that it is really hard to hope for any kind of miraculous or supernatural movement of God in my life.
Here is my problem, he is great with tons of little ways of showing me he is still in my life. He loves to pieces to send me broken people to help. Loves it. And it blesses me too in it's way. But it isn't an answer. It isn't a way out of this place. It isn't even CLOSE to the hope I need. Feeling like a fricken paper towel to clean up other people's messes is not feeling blessed. It's feeling used, it's feeling cheap, and it's feeling unloved. Why is he so consistant in answering other's prayer through me yet I feel so unheard and without hope? How am I supposed to stay hopeful for those I help when after days like today the only hope I have is that I know someday I will no longer have to live on this god forsaken planet. I know many people say that not knowing the meaning of those words, but I mean it Paul. I look around and I seriously wonder whether God has any part in how this planet is run. I meet people, often enough people who claim to be of faith or of God and they are cruel and difficult.
I fight against poverty constantly, dispite God's "love" for me I am frequently sick, lacking for basic needs, and wishing I could just END IT. But no, no one will let me, I would hurt people. You know people say suicide is selfish? You know what is selfish? making someone live someplace that makes them miserable. That is selfish. Considering that I consider my loved ones and God very selfish for forcing me to go on with this meaningless thing.
I was trying to help someone and they asked me an honest question and it stuck in my mind, because I had some data that maybe I would hear some good news by the middle of next week. They said "what if you don't"? And frankly, I had no idea what to say. What if God doesn't show up when I need him to? Well..... sucks for me huh? That's kind of where I'm at.... too bad you expected something at this time. God might very well say wait and then here I am, waiting and waiting and waiting. You know it's know wonder the Isrealites cursed God. Wouldn't you? If you had to force march through the desert for 40 meaningless hopeless years waiting to die, would you be a big fan of God? I don't think I would. It's actually probably the biggest miracle in the book that in that time Moses didn't forsake God.
Here is another item of prayer I have no idea what to do about, my family. I just found out that my parents are completely miserable in poverty. Why, if God answered my prayer I could fix that in a heart beat and take care of the people I love. If only if only, story of my life.
This boils down to one fundamental problem, that being that my source is the Lord and I don't know what he feels like providing. I never do. I don't know when he's going to do what he said he would do. I might die before he does, because that happens. Frankly, I give it better odds. Why? because I have 100% proof that someday I will pass on. Everyone who has ever lived has. I'm actually rather confused as to why anyone would be sad, it's great, because this planet (or maybe just Tulsa) is pretty disappointing. Kids grow up, can't survive in the economy, have to watch their parents struggle to make it while the rich get richer. Do you know if it wasn't for this particularly evil thing called money, my parents would have no problems at all. My parents have worked hard their entire life, but thanks to banks and financial messes, they don't get to retire. Ever. I'm not having children. We all have to give up things so that the rich can have another yacht. I mean, if us poor didn't sacrifice and pay our taxes and suffer, what would entertain the wealthy? Somebody has to do it. So if you have hope, I beg you share it because I don't see any

no eye can see, no ear can hear

Down into the depths of hopelessness, again and again I find myself here and I keep hearing the same stupid fucking thing. Everyone is always saying that it's going to get better. To the point I believe, and I'm ready to receive such a thing, and it is still coming they say, yet today is just another trial, another drag. I realize sooner or later that this promise of a better day, if we can call it a promise, is either for a day yet to come or an insincere promise.

More and more I feel that the entire set up is to build up my hope so I can continue on absorbing suffering. I get increasingly frustrated with telling people the same thing to the point that apart from communicating my utter apathy for living I don't communicate much anymore. Much of what needs to be said has been said by me many times before, I am nothing if not open about my feelings. Too often the response I receive is apathy. I act with the most kindness I can muster and all I seem to get is apathy and disinterest when I have need of help.

I've sought out pastors and local friends, girlfriends, prayer partners and doctors. I have looked under every rock trying to find answers for myself which others are disinterested in helping me find. Apart from learn patience and try and build up strength I have found few pearls of wisdom.

I know God is good and he loves me. I know he has good plans for me. I know he answers prayer. I know he forgives me.

I do not understand waiting. I do not understand this pain, it surpasses my ability to understand. I do not understand this place I am.

I am an outspoken questioner of the way things are, particularly of the conservative movement, consumerism, the christian right and many things capitalist and republican. Yet I am in the most red state in the country. I have found few confederates in suffering. I am made to feel truly alone by such entities as Fox News, local preachers who bring politics to the pulpit, and by my fellow men who proudly claim tea party affiliation. I feel like some sort of covert spy dropped in the middle of an enemy camp. As if I am a union soldier trapped behind confederate lines, or vice versa as surrounded by the enemy I truly am overwelmed by the right wing political machine. I cannot see how liberal and intelligent thought can prevail over the conservative and anti intellectual movement.

What bothers me more is that this place that is a strong hold of right wing thought seems to be a self energizing machine. Let me explain how I observe this process. The right wing organizations fix the system (locally and state wide especially) to hurt and frighten people. The pundits point to the system they broke and say "look, isn't it broken? Aren't you scared? No one is looking out for you", then you have to watch their network to find out how to survive the horrible things they say are happening. Sometimes the horrors are real. They say "isn't it awful that you don't have healthcare?", when they made damn well sure of it. They say "isn't it awful that you and others are poor?" when they are in favor of trickle down economics and other economic policy that makes sure that the poor get poorer, that debt is on the rise.

Or how about what I consider the best one: "Isn't the national debt awful? How awful that we have a deficit and that we keep spending money!" When their policy for the last decade has been to create a completely useless several TRILLION dollar war, which we are still cleaning up.

The entire sum of their strategy is to make things suck, then point the blame on everyone else. What is most upsetting to the intellectual mind is not that this comes from the news, the bought and paid for politicians and talk radio. What upsets thinking people most is when other thinking people buy this garbage. When thinking people are held in thrall by complete garbage such as this. When the people who you want to help most say they don't want it because Fox news told them Democrats aren't human. We want to scream at them. They threaten to suceed and many of us are thinking "that would be nice, then you'd stop dragging those of us that want a better world down". Of course they won't. I mean who would shut the government down? Who would sabotage democrats and independents at every turn? How would the forces of capitalism keep everyone else in line? I do not know.

I know I am just one man. I do not see any purpose here. I do not see any hope. That isn't to say there isn't any, I'm just too deep in the wrong part of the battle. I pray I get out of this place soon. I'll hold on until I lose the ability to keep my grip to the hope that God will answer my prayers. Someone out there must be more powerful than the forces that stand against me. God is that someone.

eyes on the horizon

some things are happening that frankly I don't have all the tools in terms of communication to talk about. I've recieved enough verification that something is happening. I've seen the footprints in the sand, if it makes any sense(it might not). It's hard to wrap your mind around the problems of the spirit.  Look I'm not going to pretend for even a moment that I am some pure or perfect being. I can't talk down to you. Consider my position, if I talked down to you I would have to completely discount the wonder that is you.

You have survived, and for whatever reason you are still on this planet because you either have something you are going to do or something you are doing. Recently I have been dealing with holiday traffic and one of my favorite exercises in forgiveness is rush hour driving. It's so hard to forgive inconsiderate and dangerously bad drivers, but living in a city demands it. The one thought that gets me through is "They must have a good reason." Suddenly when I think that, I can't be angry. It gives me empathy. I imagine what if it was me. What if where-ever they are going IS really that urgent. Then I realize it must be to them. Then I feel their pain. I feel sad for them, and I hope for them that they do get where-ever they need to be on time. I still have to deal with their bad driving. I still see it as bad driving, but I also see the hurt that makes it happen.

I think this must be some of how God sees us. We screw up all the time. But God forgives, and then helps us up. One of the biggest moments in my recovery is when I realized that my ex did what she did because she was a broken human being. She still did unspeakable wrong to my life. She cut into me and it still hurts even three years later. But she did it because she had good reasons. She was hurt, she was broken. I may not have dealt the best with it either as it so happens, but there you are. She's moved on, which means she forgave me. She offered me forgiveness. Not understanding, because that's not what I needed from her. She let it go. I've done my best to do the same.

I didn't mean to get on rambling about forgiveness....

I wanted to talk about where I'm at, or maybe where I am going. I've been told that things are going to change, in the way I predicted three years ago, and SOON (26 days left at this point according to one prediction). I wish I could sum up the complicated feelings in my heart in just a few words. The biggest problem is doubt. I do not doubt in any way that God (the universe, whatever you want to call that force) wants go give me good things to bring joy to my heart. The doubt is with how I have read the signs. I'm imperfect, as are all the people I'm listening to. Distrust is my knee jerk reaction to people telling me what I want to hear. Usually I think they are BSing me. Frankly it won't be real until it is real. There at the moment is nothing to do but keep eyes on the horizon for the change. Distrusting it won't bring it sooner. I don't know if trusting will make a difference either.

I pray I will look back on this post SOON and see I worried for nothing. I've waited for so many things in my life and sure enough eventually many of them came. Some didn't (Laurel, marriage lasting, a few other things) but in the end I have to admit that giving those to the Lord I must realize that them not happening made me a better man. I mean my heart is made of leather at this point thanks to my heartbreaks. I've become very good at loving people without needing them to love me back. I've learned to not need approval and to endure rejections.... I guess one of my fears is that the universe wants me to learn to stop hoping... or grow up and get more realistic goals..... *sigh* But the Lord says to come to him as a small child. I read that as trusting with an open heart and open mind... So here I am, laying back and trusting him. I wish I could say more than that.

mildly vitriolic military rant

So I just wrote a long bit on FB about the problems with the military and intelligence. Rather than repost that and the pertinent comments that led to me striking out, I'll start from the beginning.

I was raised by a set of loving parents who taught me that killing people and controlling people for my own gain are wrong. Closet liberals though they may be, my parents instilled in me a belief in the importance of the individual, a love for my fellow man, and a desire to help people. This was of course magnified by over twenty years of religious seeking of the truth. Not the truth as I might want it, but the truth as it is. This is of course according to the best evidence I can find, and given the fact that I am not a qualified scientist I do not have absolute evidence for two reasons. One is that I find philosophy does not require it, it merely requires wisdom and a good line of reasoning. The second is that most of the time philosophy and humans defy reasoning.

Which brings me to the quite interesting institution of the United States Military. For those of you who don't live in this country the US Military Industrial complex is the largest in the history of the planet. They have won almost every war against people on the same technological level with them. Their biggest problem appears to be people with less funding than them. Their solution to these problems is (you may have guessed it) more funding.

 Also if you are a native citizen of the good old US you aren't allowed to question the decisions of senior management without somehow undermining the people who work for them. This is in stark contrast with almost every other large institution on the planet. I mean if I post a large angry rant about Walmart or even the US Postal Service I would DOUBTLESS receive plenty of support from their employees. This is because employees of other institutions do not receive their identity from their employer. In fact if they are even somewhat well adjusted their employer pretty much encourages this.

I say all of this to come around to that I do not hate military service members, past, current or future. Pity some of them, oh sure, but it's their life. Don't get me started about all the wonderful lives lost saving this country, I know all about this and share your patriotic fire for not letting people take over this country. I will not attack anyone directly who has made sacrifices and legitimately helped the country. However, given the freedoms you fought for, I will question the motivations behind almost everything.

Let's get down to the roots, and that is the motivation for starting an armed forces. Why would a country need to not only have the largest military on the planet, but by such a large margin that it is unlikely that anyone will ever catch up? I know part of it is love of country, but frankly you could withdraw all troops to within our borders and shut down most of the military industrial complex and still keep our country safe. I know that isn't what certain people have told you, because being afraid makes good money for many people.
In fact I have heard it said that the military by spending so much money is the most successful welfare project in the history of the country. That just may well be.

So why bother attacking it in the first place? Well that comes back to my central problem with the military and that is what happens when you take these motivations (profit and fear) and lead them to the natural conclusion. It kills people. I know for a fact this mystifies many of my right leaning friends how I can not be in favor of killing my enemies but if necessary I'd rather not. I'll kill them if I have to, if they attack me or my own, but they aren't. In fact with the exception of a few terrorist attacks nobody has launched an attack on our soil in over sixty years. Given that fact I think the money would be better spent helping countries that still have wars over basic things like freedom or the ability of everyone to eat.

Oh and the central part of my other rant was military intelligence, or a lack thereof. I asserted that I do not believe that the military are any more or less intelligent than the average human. I do think that there is a startling lack of empathy and wisdom. I consider empathy essential to being human. I consider gaining wisdom one of the points of living, therefor promoting such a backwards and potentially dangerous (actually proven dangerous) institution is contrary to all that I am.

Thank you for your time.

nothing compares

So very close, so very very close to liberation.
Because you see that is the very essence of my current position. Precariously perched on the brink of seeing what I have longed for so many dark nights. Bursting forth like glorious light. I can almost taste it. I can smell it. I feel it deep down and all around me. The change is undeniable. The hope that is more than hope. So much shorter of a time before waiting for tomorrow will be living for today. Dreams become real, and reality becomes a dream. Soon, the time is measured in heartbeats, and it can only be a handful until it is here. Then what? Then like a great awhoom the joyful noise will surround and the arduous silence will be ended. The metaphysical was the more real this whole time, can you imagine that?

frustrated rant

Don't go out of your way making promises you don't intend to keep,
Don't promise tomorrow is going to be a better day, and here is why:
first of all the entire concept of a better tomorrow is a fantasy. Tomorrow never comes, this is why it is easy to keep saying "oh the better times are still coming", well I've been waiting for tomorrow to be a better day for three years, it hasn't happened, in fact I would say that comparatively if today is yesterday's tomorrow anyone that told me that tomorrow would be any kind of good was either at the least misguided and at the worst completely malevolent. It creates an expectation that you obviously don't intend to follow up on. As the good book says let your yes be yes and your no be no. I'm seriously completely okay with no hope for the future to be better than today, today is fine. It's not the worst things could be, and it's not the best. I'm not content, but I am far more content when I face the reality of the lies I have been told about a better tomorrow and focus on today. Okay? That's all there ever is, has been, or will be is today. "Tomorrow" when I wake up then that will become today, and unless some magical transitive property occurs between me closing my eyes tonight and opening them tomorrow chances are that it won't be better. Chances are it will be another hopeless fucking day. So don't tell me it won't, I'll assume you're full of shit. Either make it a better day or don't say anything if you don't have anything true or worth saying to say.

Prosperity issues

First let me preface this by the fact that I am not a biblical scholar. I have no interest in translating the bible from greek to hebrew to english to arabic and back again to greek just so I REALLY understand it. Frankly that's not my call. I am just a simple man dealing with simple issues in my life. Reading what I have written here that should be obvious.

So encountering this article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pastor-rick-henderson/osteen-meyer-prosperity-gospel_b_3790384.html
My initial response is "oh great another pastor harping on about how God doesn't do that", which, as I've already touched on is a lie. God will do what he will do. He pointed out the error of seeking God for material gain and THAT I agree with. God is not a vending machine. However if you seek God and don't feel you can submit your hopes and dreams to him, it's not a good relationship. If your hopes and dreams require some financial resources to achieve, it would seem to me that if God wants them achieved he will provide.

If he won't then we are serving a very confusing God. Because if you believe in the "works only emotional miracles" God I see many modern Christians hold up, frankly you're not doing any better than any other religion. Any religious form of meditation can bring you inner peace, and for that matter so can some very potent drugs. So if you think God is the only source of a warm fuzzy happiness on the inside you are so very wrong and I am sad for you. God is not your ideal replacement for a drink at the end of a hard day, or for drugs, or meditation. If you need a crutch to deal with the pressures of this world, he will help you DEAL with that, but again, that's falling way short of who he is.

I'm really sick and tired of Christians who want to serve a watered down God. They don't want to reach out in faith and believe God can solve their problem. The bible says clearly if we lay our problems at his feet he will deal with them, maybe not in the way we want, but deal with them he will regardless. I have living proof of these things. So if you are stuck in life because of any material thing, be it illness, economic situation or other real world problem I challenge you to show me the verse saying God cannot show up. Because he can, he has, and he WILL.

If that is somehow wrong Christianity I shouldn't be a christian. I would not follow a God who while all powerful did not care for our troubles, and seek to comfort our broken situations. That would not be a God worth loving. Yes, sometimes he draws those of us who are in pain TO him by the promise of relief. God is not one to promise and not deliver. As the good book says he is not one to change his mind. His ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. No matter how much I learn I have to remind myself that he knows better.

Post Script: God does not care why you come into his presence, the rewards are just as rich. My dad told me once he started going to church because there were lots of cute girls there. He enrolled in a Christian college and met my mother. God has never forgotten him and he has had a much stronger faith than many who have had to deal with the same things. We're all broken. God meets us just where we are and guides us to a closer walk with him. That walk looks different depending on what you need.

You will get through

I'm going to tell you everything your heart is longing to hear, and I am going to back up every last word of it.

It's going to get better, and things will change. Think life is bad now? Imagine being one of the allies in world war two, I bet lots of people thought FDR was in over his head. I mean, a two ocean war? That's insane. Fighting on two fronts is in fact what broke the German war machine. My point, however, is that it changed. He had the courage to say "suck it Hitler, you aren't going to win." This is when the most powerful empire in the world had essentially let Hitler acquire all the power he could need to take over the world.

God sent FDR a Patton. He sent FDR a man who would never quit. Those two men change the world. So what are you worried about?

Is it love you long for with all you have? God has some to spare and you may find that you are perfectly wonderful on your own, if you didn't already know. Don't seek it as a purpose, trust me I've done it. It didn't work. I have someone very sweet and nice now because I understand her place in my life.

Is it money or power you want? Look, you don't want money or power because of those things themselves, you love what they promise you. You probably desire security, safety, and freedom. I can say that most of the paths to getting money or power generally rob you of your security, your safety, your freedom and even your good mental health. Money is a horrible boss. It only wants to make more of itself. It's like a big swarm of cockroaches, eating at our feelings and giving not enough in return.

Now even cockroaches have their place. For example, if you are raising a prey eating animal they are great protein. Insects and other small critters form a basis of a good diet for bigger things. 

If you still don't understand how much more valuable you are to God and to everyone else as compared to money do this for me:
Go get some money out of your wallet. Even a dollar will work because we can all agree that money is money no matter what denomination, correct?
Now set it on the table.  I want you to make a plan to never touch that dollar on the table there. Let it lay there, we're doing an experiment.

Leave the money there for as long as it takes for it to bring one good or redeeming thing into your life. You will wait a lifetime because money on it's own is really just paper. You are worshiping stuff that comes out of trees! How nutty is that?

No matter how bad things are- and believe me I know they are bad- they can and they will get better. Simply as a matter of course you know that after winter comes spring, right? So don't you know that seasons of contentment and good are out there to be lived after the seasons of pain. You wouldn't be in pain if you didn't have some sense that life should be or could be better. Remember that! You believe in you because if you didn't you would not feel pain when things are less than your hopes. Don't get down in the muck and don't quit. There are two types of people when it comes to winning, there are the courageous and the fearful. The fearful man says "ooo scary I think I might well faint dead away if it doesn't get better. Geez I wish someone else would protect me and keep me safe from harm.

Now if you are afraid there's nothing wrong with that. However there is something wrong if you can't accept help. The help you receive will equip you to fight your battles. No one will forever fight your battles for you. Sooner or later you have to take up your own cross despite (or perhaps because of) God's love for you.

A courageous man feels fear. He sees his fear as what it really is, a bag of hot air and lies most of the time. He pushes on. Even when life knocks him down he gets up and fights again.

You have courage, and you have wisdom and you have the strength. I know you do, because frankly you are beautiful and wonderful. God made you that way, and he makes no useless people.  He is fervently rooting for you, even if you never want a relationship with him, he will love on you and bless you. I just think that getting to know him makes understanding easier. So if you want to know why you are blessed and what you can do to get out of a tight spot, lay your trust on the Lord.

No such thing as an idle prayer

no such thing as a worthless life

no such thing as so dark it can shut out the light

he will come and redeem you

he loves you more than you know

there are dreams you will aspire to

times you will desire to lay down your head and quit

but that's not the end of it

you're alive

you're okay

you made it to the end of the day

you  did fine

you tried your best

now let go, let God take the rest

he brings peace

he brings hope

when you're lost in the wilderness he brings you hope

you are not unworthy

you are not a failure

you are not worthless

his love for you is endless

he says you are lovable,

he says you are usable

he says you are irreplaceable, 

how can such a love be?
we can never understand the glory he hold in his hand

we fall so short of his amazing love

Which is when he reminds us he already paid the price

for freedom with his sacrifice

he already broke the chains

and no one can force them on

Out of the darkness I scream these truths for all with ears to hear.

I will not give up
I will choose doubt over hope
though I doubt yet my faith will strengthen
I will not listen to people who complain about the impossible,
Who ever profited by looking at what can't be done?
I concern myself with what can be done.
I trust with all my heart in the only one who can save me, and the only one who will
I will love my fellow man, even when it's hard
I choose life, I choose to fight back against fear, and foolish behavior
I seek wisdom, I seek peace, and I seek purpose
Above all else I seek God, because who other than him could give me those three things?
I may wrestle with him, I may have my bad days, but he is faithful, and he does love me. His love is so great he sticks around even when I hurt him. He loves me despite the fact that sometimes watching my struggles must be painful to him. Yet though these things cause him pain he sees the wide view. He knows the purpose for these tests. He knows what I need to learn and because I have asked him I will receive it (or have) and will move on.
I choose thankfulness. I'm thankful for my family and friends. They are reliable and caring when the whole world seems against me. I am thankful for what small comforts I can find in this place. I'm grateful for this peace that consumes me right now. I'm grateful for the fact that joy comes in the morning. I'm so amazingly thankful that this season WILL come to a complete end. I am so very thankful that his timing will be perfect. I believe good days are right around the corner. I believe a better life is something I can reach for. So long as I can dream, so long as I can love, and so long as I can think I am riding this roller coaster of life for every thrill and amazing thing it has.
I am more secure in who I am and what I am today than I have been in my entire life. Though I may present as a mess, I'm a beautiful mess to me, and to God. He doesn't count the hurts, he counts the blessings, and he counts the times I have said yes to him. The times I have managed to be faithful. As for my problems, he will remove those he has planned to remove, and he will use the rest to remind me to love others. I didn't know what it was like to love with such reckless abandon until I reached a point that love was the greatest gift I had.
This is where I am, this is where I have been, and this is where I'm going. I'm not done yet, oh no! My best days are right in front of me. I will find joy in the midst of pain, and purpose in the midst of disaster. These things must sound so silly to those that haven't seen. Well don't just take my word for it, ask him to redeem your life, to make your scars speak of fighting for right.
Goodnight beautiful people, I hope I can bless some of you tomorrow!

uncomfortable questions that I need answers for

So I am involved in a fervent quest for answers to my questions. I bring them here because I think that someone else must have the same questions.

First of all, is it God's will for good things to happen in my life?
Look, I can say without a doubt he loves me. That isn't what I am asking.
I know without a doubt that he has the POWER to change my life so it isn't agony.
I know that he eventually will make things better. HOWEVER, it may not be in this world. The book says PLENTY on him loving us and wanting to give us good things. The thing is, that could mean after we die. I am finding more and more saying that life is short term, and death is the release. So why don't christians kill themselves. If we take a scripture and what God is doing approach we have to accept that God wills us to go through trials and pains to test our faith. Why? Fuck if I know, he's God, he does shit. Or sometimes he DOESN'T do shit. But just because he doesn't do shit sometimes doesn't mean he loves us any less, saavy?

It just means that it's a different kind of love. He is totally okay with us going through temporary pain if it exhibits his glory effectively. So, at least so far I have no findings to support that living is a good thing. No verse in the bible backs it up. Life will suck for some people and not so much for others, there is no justice in this. There is no logic, good people suffer as well as bad. He just wants us not to hurt others while we are in trial. He wants us to take the hit over and over like a man and not spit blood on the people he is busy blessing.

Disprove me, PLEASE. I hate this conclusion. I hate life as it exists for me as well. However there is no comfort for the pain deep in my heart in realizing that perhaps it's not going to end, perhaps death is the only release. I can't kill myself because that would hurt people, you see? Living is the most clever prison ever devised for a compassionate loving creature. You can't leave, and it's not getting better. Sucks doesn't it? Don't you wish God would let you die? Well, he can't do that, not in his nature..... Well, he can do that, but most likely he won't do that. I've been asking for years and as you can see by my continued posts I haven't received the gift of death.

not feeling this talking thing today

I don't want to speak bad things over my life, so I'll let the music do the talking:


I like:
"Oh but more a sin than letting it in it's letting our good fortune out."

the rest is pretty obvious.

a moment of supreme frustrating doubt

I know what my folks would say, they would say I should sleep because I need sleep. Well by that logic I should eat, because eating keeps me alive. I should go to work constantly because work produces results and results make the world better. Yes logic is easy when you take out pain and frustration.

I can totally explain God's goodness with this logical bit: If I have seen God's goodness I cannot deny his love. If I have seen God's power I cannot deny it exists. If I believe that he has this personal love for me and have experienced it I must logically assume that he will use what power he has to effect things for my good.

But then there is the moment in which what is good for me is not what I want. I am in agony right now, emotionally, physically, I cannot stand this place I am in and I long for oblivion and death. I would rather not exist than be here. Yet I have been cursed to exist as such. Which comes to an argument I had today with my mom. She said  "wake up in the morning and thank God for blessing you with another day to live". You do not understand, as I told her. Another day to live is another day in pain. I know he COULD liberate me that day, but what are the odds?

I have been waiting on him for months while throwing myself passionately against the problems in my life. Now I am standing and waiting, surrendering my life to him. It HURTS. I see no sign it will ever stop except for when I get really lucky and pass on. That's the best it gets for poor and depressed people.

anyway I found this while searching for "is he capable but not willing?" which is my biggest faith question. I have heard it said many times and believed it to be true that he is all powerful. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan for my life. The bible SAYS that he will answer all our prayers that we bring to him through supplication. Yet here I am, waiting to die because the only future I hoped for was whisked away and God has nothing for me here.

I can logically conclude no other thing. Because if he is all powerful, he can do it. If he is loving he will take care of me. If he cares about my feelings he would lead me out of agony. No, all I hear is "accept that this is it and your life is over", Ok, Done. I'm ready to die. Haven't shopped for a coffin yet, because that would be morbid.

anyway I found this argument against his existance and though I believe he exists, the points are strong for my position.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? 
Then he is not omnipotent. 
Is he able, but not willing? 
Then he is malevolent. 
Is he both able and willing? 
Then whence cometh evil? 
Is he neither able nor willing? 
Then why call him God? 

Change these lives campaign.

I know I have never asked you for anything. So I'm going to be very careful about the way I approach this campaign here. I want you to, after you get done reading this, navigate over to the page I will share at the bottom of this post and check it out.

Now, first of all you don't owe me anything and I'm not asking you SPECIFICALLY for money. I've shared myself on this blog out of my own heart. I'm doing this because this is my personal set of issues I've been dealing with for a long time. It's time to try and solve it. I want you to check it out because my readers are like my family. I feel like you guys have a pretty good idea what is good and what isn't. I know that if it is something that puts pressure on your heart you will contribute.

If not financially you could always get the word out and pray about this. I'm taking a huge step out on faith here, your support is key to making this happen. I believe it will happen regardless of what some people say, but I know that the more support I get the better shot I have of reaching my goal. This is my first attempt at using crowd sourcing but it's much closer to what I feel is a correct approach to money. This issue is still in God's hands for me, I'm just making room for God to work through you.

More specifically this is about removing an obstacle that is clogging up my life and moving forward. That's the root of it, but as you'll read on the campaign page there is so much more.

The main display is now in the sidebar, but here is a direct link:

http://igg.me/at/changetheselives/x/5126735

also here is my campaign video:

<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="//www.youtube.com/v/kjxZSFgdnjU?hl=en_US&amp;version=3"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="//www.youtube.com/v/kjxZSFgdnjU?hl=en_US&amp;version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>

My feelings about the Titan Refuge new site launch

I know I was brief earlier, and that was because I wanted to give you time to check out the bare bones site over there. Now I want to talk about my personal feelings about the launch.

It's a very strange feeling, I will start by saying that. I have in the past talked about this project in passing on this blog, and maybe told three or four friends. This was before the days of this blog being as widely read as it is now. So there is a sort of coming out with a secret feeling. It's as if I had something that was mine and mine alone, and now it's available to the world. That is a very vulnerable feeling.

The faith aspect of the whole thing is the biggest feeling involved. What made today launch day? I finally found a potential way to fund the project. Discovering that I realize now that the only thing standing between the project and success is building a community around it.

I don't want to discuss the details of the project here, that's what the other page is for. However on a personal level it is a God thing to make me use a community approach to this. To be honest I've been kind of a loner, especially lately. The thing is that when I realized I was being pushed in the direction of needing help, needing more people to get things done I started to understand that I needed to share my vision. I've shared the tip of the iceburg. This project is the culmination of all my dreams, and I have been thinking about how this is going to happen for a long time.

I'm restraining myself right now. I want so badly to go tell all on the site. To restrain those urges I have to remember that the size of this vision is a bit much for people. I think this is something that community needs to be built around. This vision I have is going to effect so many people, both directly and indirectly. It follows that more people will have to be brought into the fold. I hope that my regulars over here will get as excited as I am about it. If you aren't and don't want me to talk much about it here, let me know.

This thing is happening though. I've already had an impressive first day response, and I look forward to seeing what the coming days bring. I think God has big things planned, and I'm excited to be a part of it. Change is hard, but when you get to see your dreams come together it's worth the growing pains.

here is the overall site link, I don't know what is going on with the links and whether they show up as clickable.

http://titanrefuge.blogspot.com/

Titan Refuge Launch

Today is kick off day for the Titan Refuge project. I just started the blog, and if you are either a regular reader or a first time reader I encourage you to head over there and check it out. Keep checking here for my personal updates. I will be the first to admit that I need help to get this project done. I'm not going to lone wolf this one and I need your help.

God said it was his will to give you a hope and a future, this is mine. This is my hope. This is my dream. I have been dreaming about this day for three years and I finally feel prepared to come out into the open. Together we are strong and we can succeed in anything. I believe the future starts now.

So now head on over there, the basic introduction is laid out, with more to come.

http://titanrefuge.blogspot.com/2013/10/introduction-to-titan-refuge-project.html

a very short bit of prose

I want to write more today, I have been deep in my philosophy search and didn't want to post until I reached the conclusion. Now I realize I may never and I need to keep writing to remember road signs. Fellow travelers understand. But here is some prose I created today:

Think, what did you just see
Analyze, what does it mean?
Reason, does it mean the same thing to everyone?
Try to join with philosophy, is this true?
Pray, God what is truth?
Realize that you may never know, that with time you may gain insight but if you feel you fully understand you are probably farther from understanding rather than closer.

death of a legend, where I hope to be when it happens and what it means

I was just thinking about the Jim Henson death. It was so untimely, he was very young and very successful and there was this huge tragedy around it. One thing I've noticed with celebrity deaths is that often people deal with it by saying that it was the result of a bad habit that person had. Smoking and drinking are often underfoot and people like to say "well if only he had quit smoking." I call these people "non smokers".

Look, when a rich and well off person chooses a lifestyle it's because they can. They often know the risks and they go on anyway. You have to see the ego in being successful. Some of these people are larger than life. Living a larger than life lifestyle kills people. It's what got Chris Farley. "Oh if only he had gotten help for his drug problem" I've heard so many times. Chris Farley didn't have a drug problem, he had a life problem. To live life on the scale that he did he had to deny certain things.

I guess what I'm coming around to talking about is that if I hit it big, it will be because I have a passion and a will power that are larger than life. If I die young (anywhere under 100) it will be because of living life to the fullest every day. It will be because I took big risks, enjoyed some big fun, and tried to milk the most out of every moment of the day. Put that as my cause of death, whether it be throat cancer from the cigars or flaming fireball from a car wreck. It's not the car that will kill me, and the cigars definitely won't kill me (do you know how often they have kept me alive?). It's life, life is a terminal case. That's how I want to go, by living so much that the world can't take it.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/CmEiUyoCXjg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Here's one idea.....

sooo...... how is this for a thought, since certain groups in this country are really hot for the idea of motivating people by threats. You know, like "defund healthcare or we shut down the government".... I have an idea for our lawmakers. I think you'll like this, if you like threats. We elected you to govern, how about you start governing or we.... I don't know, how about: Take all your money and drop you off in the third world in total poverty....... Oh, you don't like that? You have a right to take the country hostage and I'm totally crazy? Remind me how you recently decided poor people don't deserve to eat or have air conditioning. I mean let them eat cake indeed.

You chose to react to the weak and helpless with outrage that they dare not have as much money as you. You said that laziness and not working hard is what leads to poverty, so shouldn't you be in poverty? The current congress has passed no significant legislation in over two years. If I went to work and did no work except for trying to undo all the work that was done before I got there, I would get fired. I wouldn't even last a week.

Now I wouldn't make these sorts of statements if we were not who they report to. Do you know who form the majority of people in this country? The middle and lower class. Do you know who you are hurting most by shutting the government down? The middle and lower class. You pulled the economy into a standstill in the middle of the biggest economic rally in recent history. Good job, you managed to tick off your base: investors and rich people. Good luck getting your customary bribes from lobbyists next election run.

The only people I can see funding you are those people building bunkers for preppers and the manufacturers of adult diapers. Maybe Fox "News"........ you seem to be catering to THAT market.... but I've even seen some of their hosts pointing out that you aren't doing your jobs.. I mean that's bad when the people you have in your pocket see through your BS. Go ahead, keep pretending that you didn't start this.

Remind everyone that it's someone else's fault that they wouldn't give into your "Do what I say or I take down the country" strategy. Right, this country loves terrorists.... I mean I must have forgotten the major motivation of the war on terror: To find Bin Laden and take him out for a big american bar-b-q. That worked out SO well for him.

Or are you trying to show this country's enemies that they don't need to work so hard because you've got this making america scared thing covered. Does that mean we can defund the department of homeland security? Oh, and since you have now been identified as an organization with terrorist intentions can we now change the light of the IRS being extra hard on certain people? I mean the IRS has a duty to prevent the funding of terrorism, as I am told every time I talk to my credit card company.

what we learned today

What have I learned today? What have I accomplished?
How can I measure my progress?
I learned today that I am loved. I learned today how much I love someone else. I learned today that love is actions. Love is not limited by our weakness, sometimes when we are weakest we can minister better than when everything is going right. I learned that if someone loves you they show it. I learned that love can't HELP but show itself. If I buy into God's love (I do) I must accept that his love is real in my life. I must accept that he will deliver and answer prayers. He will care for me, he can't help it. I have been the lover and loved another, you cannot help but let your love go in front of you. You show your love. You love that person with all that you are. God is the original in the love department.

If we realize that love and truth start and end with God, then how can we not see that he will care for us? How can we trust him to be God, know him, and not know what we mean to him? If you are a truth seeker the truth will ring in your heart and hold you upright no matter the circumstances. Your brain will sing and your heart will become giddy. As the word says your rightiousness will go before you and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

We don't worship him just because he brings prosperity and abundance. We worship him through the trials that bring strength of faith. How do we know our love is real? When we know that if we didn't love we would walk away, but we stay. How do we know his love is real? Isn't he still there even after you treated him like shit? I mean that's no excuse to treat him that way, but his love and grace are enough that he will endure our acting out because of our pain.

For over a year I watched children in pain and learned to be a better man. I learned to love others. You have two choices when faced with tragedy like that, either you become a VERY strong helper and lover of people or you become withdrawn, depressed and purely lacking in empathy. It takes choosing to love, even though it rips your heart out. I learned something though, something that I'm going to share with you so you can know without the pain I spent getting this knowledge. When you are full of love, and the person you love is hurting and tries to hurt you, it takes a different meaning. You can see it if they are just so hurt and don't know what else to do. You open your arms, you accept them, you tell them nothing they can do can stop you loving them. You have to mean it. The thing is, no angry or upset child knows what to do with pure non judging love.

We're all like that. We are all children of God. Every single one of us hurts from hurts that we shouldn't have. In our heart we know this, or we wouldn't have so much pain. Pain is our body telling us that things are not as they should be. It alerts us to take care of things. Sometimes it has to alert others to take care of us. Let them take care of you. Give someone the chance to care for you. Chances are there are more people out there that care for you than you are willing to admit. It's so easy to play lone gunman and pretend that nobody cares. It makes for a good pity party, but it just isn't true. If no one else says it today I love you. I love how you are still holding on in spite of what you've been through. I love how deep in your heart you still have some desire that things be better. It's going to be okay. God is ready to not just tell you he loves you but show you. Let him. Just give him permission to work in one thing that you feel is too big for you today. Can you do that for me?

Thank you, goodnight

Why men are afraid of God, why they need him, and what can be done about that paradox

I'm in an interesting time in my faith. Of course I am reminded of an old curse "may you live in interesting times."

I am all in with God. I don't say this so that you would be impressed with me, because frankly I am so not involved in people pleasing right now. I say that so that when he delivers me and I share how he has overcome this situation you can see the steps that led to that point. Through many trials and tests he has brought me here.

But I want to talk about being a man and finding God. I have struggled with both my whole life. What being a man in America today means is never admitting you are not in control. True masculinity is supposed to be supported by an unbreakable confidence that you are going to succeed, that you can somehow do it yourself. This is how we are taught to win the girl, this is how we are taught to get rich, this is how we are told to gain power.

The problem is power itself. Even the richest man must come face to face with powers and authorities greater than him. The sad fact is that alone you probably won't always win. Eventually I think everyone comes to the point of realizing that in the scheme of trying to overcome huge obstacles we are still very small as humans. A man is after all at most only between one hundred and eight hundred pound of flesh in a world with thousand ton obstacles all around. Like ants we try to attack anything that opposes us. We win often enough that it is possible for us to feed our illusion of total power in our lives. But life has a way of reminding us from time to time how small and powerless we are.

Men hate things that remind them they don't have power. It's one of our big issues with mortality. Why do you think suicide is on the rise? People want power over at least one huge thing. We think if we can close up our account on our terms we can defeat death. This too is an illusion. We hold on so tight to our illusions that sometimes coming to terms with the truth can't happen. This is of course until outside forces intervene and internal forces converge on the problem and seek truth.

The very thing that is most often championed by followers of God is what scares men the most. God being bigger than us scares us deep down. Surely it can't be. Yes we must admit on some level that there are bigger things out there. But we think we can build something big enough to take on anything and anyone. We build governments, machines, and other organizations. If a prideful desire to prove ourselves is in this even that which we build must come up against the powerful forces of the world. The very thing that makes us strong is our passion and perseverance.

However that which makes us strong is something that our enemies have too. They too have humans. Humans are the most powerful machines on earth. A single human can destroy even the largest most well defended of our creations.

What is even more amazing is that there are spiritual forces at work designed by their nature to bring us to our knees. We can kick, scream and fight it with all our might. Then in one all encompassing enlightening moment we understand. We can see that yes, we are not masters of the universe.

If we can see in that moment the one truth that one being is greater and bigger than the universe there is a chance for salvation. We need saving. We need to be saved from ourselves. Our pain and our flaws would kill us if we didn't take him up on his comfort. If you can dream you can fall. In falling we can get back up and try again. In trying again we may come to understand that God loves us. God is rooting for us. I don't even know if I'm making sense.

Never give up. Never surrender.

Fight on against the odds. Anyone can fight when he's winning, but if you can fight when you take devastating losses you become something more. You become a champion by never giving up. If you don't fight you can't win. Anyone who gives up without fighting has already made a looter and given victory to his enemies. Take up the sword of truth and fight the lies the world throws at you. I know you are better than this. Go take the victory, it's already yours.

 Remember someone loves you, if you need my help so long as I breath I will give it to you. I draw a strength from one higher than me, and I will take up your side in the fight against the forces that try and rob you of your peace and your joy. Take comfort in the fact that those that speak fear are far more afraid than you are. They are the weak ones, not you. Courage is not about avoiding being afraid, it's about pushing on and winning regardless.

Some economic facts

I want to illustrate how the ideas that I profess are not just ones that I have an emotional affinity for. I understand there is plenty of skepticism for liberal thought, so let me explain two liberal ideas and how they could entirely change the economy.

This effects you no matter who you are, where you live, or what you do for a living.
The two policy decisions I want to talk about are increasing minimum wages and providing quality health care to everyone.

First I want to talk about wages. Wages and tips are how most people in my country measure success in their career. There is an illusion that education creates opportunity, but anyone with eyes knows that isn't true. Education helps form your mind into something that can grab opportunity, and I want to talk about that more at a later date. What I want to talk about now is what would happen if you raised minimum wages. The answer might surprise you.

Raising minimum wages is controversial because there is a pretty big economic myth out there that raising the wages of the working class will raise the cost of the product, and therefor cost of living will go up. There are those that will tell you raising minimum wage is a zero sum game. If we lived in a world that had fewer than ten thousand people in it that would be true. The economy is more sophisticated than that however. The fact is when you put faith and confidence in the producers the producers get more comfortable. When the producers get more comfortable they start going out and spending money. That money will be back in your pocket before you can say dividends. It requires a large enough view to see that the economy getting better helps every business.

Here is another uncomfortable fact you may not have thought about. There are many products that people want to buy right now but cannot afford. We have been trying drive down costs so that a larger percentage of the population can afford our products. What if we drove up the average budget of households? What sort of effect do you think that would have on sales? Do you think that people would be less afraid and more comfortable buying products? I'm sorry, that was a rhetorical question and I respect you enough to confess that. Happy people spend more money. End of story. This is why people who have had a few drinks generally buy more drinks. When the worry slips away so do the purse strings. If more people had less worry about whether they had enough to pay their house payment, or put gas in their car they would have less stress. Less stressed people spend money much better. This means better products, and this means surprise: higher profits.

Now about health care.
This gets a bit more complicated. Here is the short version of the story: healthier people are better able to pay bills. Medical debt is out of control, at least in america. Most people who face bankruptcy face it due to mounting medical costs. Which may not initially worry you. After all, you aren't eyeballs deep in medical debt. Wrong, debt doesn't disappear. The debts that don't get payed off get passed on to the paying customers. Which means that health care is more expensive than it should be simply because not everyone is paying for it. You are paying for universal healthcare, in fact you're paying way more than such a thing would cost. You're paying for it because poor people go to the emergency room uninsured and never pay. People run up huge lines of credit with hospitals and never pay. This costs YOU money. So why should you want universal healthcare as an investor? Read on and I'll tell you.

 If you didn't give away your service for free so much, what do you think that would do to the balance sheet? If you had millions of paying customers willing and able to pay whatever it took to get well, don't you think that would improve the status of medicine? Furthermore assuming you are in a developed nation this would mean you could offer even more expensive and profitable cutting edge techniques. You could offer them to more people and increase your profits. You could change the public opinion of you from penny pinching and uncaring to being the benign business leader you want to be seen as.

The choice is yours, you can make decisions based on short term greed and what you've done before, or you can make decisions based on what the next step for the market is. I shouldn't have to tell you which CEO has his face on the cover of Forbes, it's not the one who did what daddy and everyone else did. He did something new, something bold, something that changed how people thought about the world. This is why the richest man in the world brought us the PC, and the people sliding in after 5th place are the Walmart heirs. Microsoft has changed with the times and even when it has made mistakes like Windows Vista it bounced back. It tries new things and it's a winning company for that. Walmart only stays afloat because it's workers are all on food stamps. They only get new stores because they make sweetheart deals with city governments. If you took away public aid there would be no Walmart. But there would be a Microsoft. End of story.

a little bit of outrage

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2013/10/07/house-gop-plot-obamacare-shutdown/
well, at least we know that these people have some honesty.... in that the shutdown has been a plan from day one. This just smacks of terrorism, I have tried REALLY hard not to call it terrorism, but hey, if the shoe fits. When you THREATEN, and then DO take down the government, you are a successful terrorist organization. You have said that if the american government doesn't do EXACTLY what you want you will destroy the country. You will crash the economy. You will put people out of work.

I actually find GREAT irony in the fact that for the last 18 months every republican I talk to says "if they implement Obamacare jobs will be lost" and I kept saying "wait and see". I thought they meant the law would lead to employers slashing salaries or number of employees. I didn't know they meant "look if you liberals give people healthcare I'll shoot the government down". I would have been more active in politics. I would have told them that our country has never negotiated with terrorists.

The only silver lining is that who they are is coming forward. We now know they aren't lawmakers, they are lawbreakers. Honestly it should be criminal to purposefully sabotage the economy. It should be, but, well you know all about white collar crime.

----------------

so look, let's pretend, for a moment, that reducing spending is what this whole shutdown is about. I saw a clip with Rand Paul and he said essentially that. If that was the case wouldn't there be a potential for compromise if we just trimmed the budget even more? If we placed cuts on already existing programs that aren't adding value to our economy, would that not be a reasonable compromise?

Look the debt is a problem that should have everyone worried, because if we keep going farther into debt there may be some consequences. I've had to balance a budget before and I know what the first thing that gets cut is:expenses that do not improve my income picture. I'm just grasping randomly here but a great example is the military industrial complex. We are producing billions of dollars of weapons we don't want to use. I'm not saying stop the research, or keeping a good base of troops trained, I'm saying cut this thing, it's not making you any money.

The ONLY way that the military makes sense from an investment standpoint is if you can somehow use them to create revenue. Since looting is pretty well hated I don't think that works.


I'm not saying that's the only solution, I'm saying that you need to start looking at cutting other areas. Getting people healthy is a GROWTH market, it's reinvestment that will pay huge dividends. I think that if we cut spending and the republicans said that was what they wanted all along then this whole thing could be over by the end of the day tomorrow.

the mundane

I relit my pilot light this morning, it's the most proud of myself I've been when the heater came on and that wonderful warm air came up out of my vents. We have to take joy in the little things. I'd say take joy in the big things but I don't have big things in my life to take joy in, save from faith that a better day is coming. We are flesh creatures, and we need real world good things. Sometimes the only good thing I can find is washing a dish, or getting my furnace running, or fixing my phone myself, or getting my printer working. Yes all of these have been things I have done on a budget of zero in the last few days.

I don't know how I feel right now. I have prayed, had faith, and here I sit waiting on him. Every night when I'm trying to go to sleep I feel like shooting myself. Every morning I feel like maybe today is the day things will change. Like cresting waves my hope rises and falls. Right now I don't know what to think. The problem is his timing means it could be any time now, or it could be years from now. I have to trust him that his timing is good enough. I have to keep searching for him and seeking him even though my life seems so worthless and hopeless right now.

I know these are just attacks from the enemy. I know this is just another field of testing. He knows I can be strong for him while fighting, but can I be strong for him while standing my ground and waiting. I can do this. All I have to do is be still and hold my faith, even when the winds and storms try to remove it.

A daily affirmation

I was well inspired tonight to write a daily affirmation to repeat as often as needed to remind me of who I am, and who God is. Essentially as I understand it I am falling back on the tradition that has been passed down through the centuries of repeated creeds or prayers. I think that it is actually an advanced stage when you can say you know certain things to be true and repeat them. Let us test these truths, because a truth that doesn't stand the light of day is not the full truth. I have read the available creeds Christianity has come up with, and the repeated prayers. They are good, but they don't dig deep and inspire you. I need inspiration, I need something I can say and feel bold and strong. I need something that wells up faith in me.


Maybe you need such a thing. Here is mine if you need it.

Daily Affirmation
By Max Malcolm, with the grace of God as primary source
Today I am blessed; All good things come from God
He has guided my steps; He has listened to my prayers
He has honored my service, He is my assurance, my source, my father and best friend
He loves me more than I can ever understand
He established me in strength and wisdom
He desires to liberate the oppressed, He desires to comfort the broken, He desires to take care of the poor
I am blessed to be his servant and tool, He blesses me so that I might bless others
He takes what seed I plant and returns an abundant harvest
He is my rock, my foundation, Without him I am nothing
Through him I am strong, Through him I have victory
He will always remember me
He will guide me and take care of me so long as I trust him
He is bigger than any other thing in this universe
He is the source of every good thing, through him all things were made
He has a plan, there are no useless people. Everything and everyone has their purpose.
He created the seasons, some for each purpose
He will give us our needs and desires if we first seek him, In all things he comes first
So long as he guides me I can never be lost. You aren't lost so long as you know where you are going
Today I lift my head to him, thank him for the wonderful things he has provided to me, to the wonderful opportunities he has given me, and those he will still give me yet. I take every breath into my mouth as a blessing, all nourishment, comfort and peace come from him. I will praise him in seasons of testing because by testing and trials he has made me strong. He wastes nothing! Indeed he makes good out of bad. What the dark forces try to spin for destruction he uses for creation. The greatest gift he gave us, his son, died on a cross for my sins, while I was still a sinner. Even though I am just a person, God loved me enough to make this sacrifice.  The Lord will provide. In the name of our lord Jesus, who is established in power and authority, Amen.

I humbly recommend printing it out and placing it in places your eye will catch it while you are in pain. Also in a place you can look at it when you wake up and when you lay down to sleep.

Words have power, because words are how we walk. We walk in faith by words, we can use words to build up or tear down. We must use this power wisely, and remember that the power of our faith is rooted in the one who grants favor and blessing. Faith and hope are useless unless you have something (someONE) to believe in. As for me and my household we will wait upon the Lord.

Rain is finally coming here (because he DOES make rain), so I too must sleep. God bless you readers, may he make his light to shine on you and lift you up on wings like eagles.

A hero worth learning from

Now a break from your regular programming. I want to talk about heroes, in particular how hard they are to find. Being an idealist by nature I believe strongly in the use of heroes to lift people up and make them act like better people. So why is it so hard for me to find heroes? First of all in the land of the living I have found few men to look up to, and almost all of them have been people I have met. Looking to history and literature I find many more heroes available. This leads me to believe that heroism is a value that was hold higher in earlier years.

Anyway, enough of me talking about how few heroes I have found. I hold a deep affection for the humans I have found to inspire me. We are told to love our neighbors, and I try to do that. Some people make it easier by inspiring us to be better. My primary heroes in the past few years have been biblical men of God and writers of great literature. A few other historical figures join the list. I look up to:

Kurt Vonnegut (author of Cat's Cradle)

J.R.R. Tolkien (author of the Hobbit)

Dr. Suess (Green Eggs and Ham)

FDR and "Teddy" Roosevelt

David of biblical fame

Joseph of biblical fame

Abraham, father of two nations, also great biblical fame

Jesus, obviously

But finding real men of God in the world outside of the bible has been hard, especially men who had success. But today I was meditating on the amazing things God has done in my life, and who he has made me become. In a moment after that I remembered a quote from one of the hardest books I have read so far in my life. "If you keep going like you just started, you will be the greatest man of all time." I have had an older man pay a compliment on me that reminded me of this. Of course my ego is pretty strong so it remembers these things.

The man who wrote those words is Charles Dickens. He wrote A Christmas Carol and Oliver Twist. I wish I had read more of his books, because when you look at his life he was a pretty amazing guy. He had it pretty rough as a kid, his family was poor and they suffered for it. It was a different time, and his father actually went to prison for unpaid debt. I love how this changed how Dickens viewed money and social systems. It made him one of the strongest voices for social change. He had a HUGE impact. He is viewed by many as one of the greatest authors of all time. His themes are immortal themes, of love and justice triumphing over those that conspire to do evil.

So there are many reasons to admire him. He did something no one else was doing, called society out on it's injustice, and society changed! So, I looked into who he was, and found faith at it's root. He was a man of God, though not a religious man. What a distinction. At the time the church had backed social injustice. It was part of what was wrong with the world. Yet he held on to faith. I can't emphasize how amazing it is to discover someone I really want to meet in heaven. It is unsure whether many noteworthy men will be there, but I feel there is a really good chance that I can meet Charles Dickens on the other side. This gives me hope that at least there will be one other human soul I will want to hang out with after I die.

 This is so great, for years I've followed the path that God has put under my feet, he has ordered my steps and granted me favor and wisdom. Many times I have had issues coming to terms with death because so many "Christians" are the last sort of people you'd want to spend eternity with. Yet I know God is good, and that he stands in judgement over all, and I have had to hope without any evidence other than God being good to me in this life to guide me. Now I have some hope for good company in heaven.  I hope this gives you some hope, knowing God is good to answer even the prayers we don't say.

Every good tree gives good fruit, if you make good decisions, speak good things, will God not honor it and take care of you? In my life I know I have helped people, and I have sown good seed. There is a law of the universe that says that from good seed (my hard work), planted in good soil (in faith and hope in God) will bring forth it's fruit (life getting better). I know that God has invested in me as well, sown seeds of knowledge and strength. That investment will pay dividends, just watch. Today he has shown me what is true.

small update

oh, small update, I have talked with the office of my congressman and alerted them to my concerns. I do not know whether they were being sincere or not (and at the moment it's hard to measure responses given the amount of not informing us the government is doing), but my needs were heard. I was informed, politely, that the congressman had the duty to protect the interests of all of his constituents. I issued a challenge, which is what I will say to the whole debate:
If Obamacare is crazy socialism that is going to shut down the country, let it run for a few months. Let people see your predictions come true. If you accurately predicted that the end of work for the lower and middle classes is the results then I guess the public support for you will raise and you can win control of both houses and the presidency. That would give you free reign to continue to deregulate business and cut taxes for the rich, while cutting aid to the poor. This strategy has worked SO well for you, shouldn't you ride it to it's assured success?
I mean surely you are smart enough to realize that if you keep the government shut down you will see the result of it in midterm elections and lose what influence you have. If our credit rating drops because you couldn't handle a simple political matter, the public will turn on you like a pack of blind dogs. I want a strong opposition party, I believe that two opposing parties is the best way to keep the other party in check. I don't want your party to lose all influence in the government, so please don't act like such idiots that we can't keep you in office.

a few of my political snippets.

I've been writing quite a bit on politics, and I just want it here as well as there. I hope that makes sense.

So first they said: get an education and experience and you'll make enough. Then I met hundreds of workers with bachelor's degrees, masters degrees and PhDs living under the poverty line. I've seen people who have given 20+ years to a company put out on the street because keeping them on was too expensive.

Then they said that there was assistance for when people are going through hard times. They vote more of that away every day. I was on assistance for a little over a year, just food, but it made all the difference when I had it. I actually took a cut in the money I made to go back to work. For over 2 years I have worked my butt off trying to make it. At the moment all I have to show for it is experience, wisdom and a stronger faith. I will overcome, because I am strong.

When I do climb out of this situation I'm going to remember this. I'm not going to let you do to the next generation what you've done to mine.

Anyone in America who thinks the poor are poor because they aren't working hard enough has never worked fast food. They have never met someone working two jobs and still not making ends meet. They have never had to choose between a roof over their head or food. They have never had to wonder how much longer they could eat in a given situation. They either haven't been there or they have forgotten.

This is one person reminding you, being poor is not a punishment. The poor did nothing wrong. Not being born to the right family, or knowing the right people, or having a talent that happens to be exploitable for large chunks of cash isn't criminal. We should stop treating people who struggle as if there was something they did wrong.
----
Oh, incidentally, my congressman is Congressman Jim Bridenstine. I will be campaigning against him in the next election I have that option. I don't care WHO it is. You could run a rabid slobbering dog, the worst a dog can do is bite you, not take down your economy. I have contacted Mr Bridenson and in so doing discovered he is an Eagle Scout. This is the first time in my life someone has made me truly ashamed to wear that title.
----
So, I'm seeing a trend here, Democrats are doing what people think should happen (2 have donated their salaries during the shutdown), Republicans claim they've done nothing wrong (yeah... insert snarky remark about terrorism), and the American people are pissed. This is taking it beyond what we have been seeing for the last year, which was manufactured crisis following manufactured crisis. I swear the strategy is to keep us in fear and that will keep us supporting them. It's also clear ONE party completely sucks at public relations (you know who you are). The same party also has a remarkable amount of them who seem unconcerned with their election results next year. Fact is that I plan to run a campaign to get my idiot congressman out of office. Normally I would be busy working, but since mine is among those holding the country hostage I guess he wants the people in his district to know that we can't keep having this man represent our state.Good job! You have successfully convinced me that I need to play a more active role in government.
----
had to reboot my browser while researching government shutdown, it froze up.
"Your government did not shut down properly, would you like to restore your previous government?" Yes, chrome, yes I would.
-----

I happen to agree with this. Being poor shouldn't be a crime, though it's certainly treated like one in this country. Just going to the grocery store it's obvious that prices are going up, and wages aren't. In just 7 years I've seen my wages go from being more than enough to not nearly. I'm spending all my time in an education which I'm praying will somehow land me a higher earning job, not everyone can do that.

(M) When it comes to making sure people in need are fed and can provide for themselves, we have only three options;

1. We can Raise The Minimum Wage, and force corporations to pay a living wage, so that a full time minimum wage job will provide the lowest standard of living but will still be financially viable without Government assistance.

2. We can subsidize the corporations by providing government assistance, essentially paying for the corporations to rob their employees. We're already doing this instead of forcing corporations to pay a living wage, and because of it the corporations are raking in record profits while the poverty rate is rapidly rising, and the middle class has almost disappeared.

3. We can do nothing, and let the poor and starving turn to crime to support themselves, if they're not already dying on the streets from lack of food and water. If you're not a fan of either of the first two options, and most conservatives aren't, this is the option you're choosing. Whether it's your stated position or not, if you don't agree with the first two options this is what you're suggesting.

Conservatives are constantly claiming that charities would step in to fill the void if Government assistance was no longer available, but anyone familiar with how underfunded most charities already are knows that's a delusional fantasy.

I find it appalling that the party which opposes raising the minimum wage is the same party which wants to eliminate government assistance. The GOP's message to the poor is clear; your survival doesn't matter. It's time we showed the GOP the same consideration.

What is spirituality to me?

I have been reading a number of articles and having some highly stimulating conversations on this lately. I realize first of all that my motivations for spirituality are much different than anyone else I know. Let me start off with the reasons that don't work to make me go to church. We'll play a game of complete the sentence.

Church is NOT...

a political rally

a social event

a pick-me up

a chance for me to get what I want

a vending machine

a chance to convince others of my point of view

or anything resembling the above.

I'm not in it for the money, the friends, the fame or personal ego stroking. I have had ALL of those things exclusive of church. Note I won't say exclusive of God because all good things come from him. Furthermore I'm not in it to find a nice girl. As I said church isn't a social event.

So what is it? On the large perspective I'm unsure. I understand it's where God has currently led my spiritual life. I don't know why. Isn't that glorious? God does shit and I don't have a clue where he gets these ideas. I do know that me being able to stand church is a sign of his work in my life. I do NEED to draw close to him. The book does emphasize the importance of group worship and prayer, and sometimes I'm enabled that way at church. My personal spiritual walk hasn't really built much strength in group finding of God. Perhaps it's just me. I haven't been able to rely on a christian body of believers.... ever!

The problem, to put it politically, is the difference between liberal and conservative Christian groups. Now in my city the liberal groups fall into the tolerance crowd. This is so watered down and not challenging I can't accept it. I firmly believe that we need the person of Jesus to get to God. Some of the liberal congregations (universalists especially) want to say that all ways lead to God. I'm willing to listen to it philosophically, but it's destructive to my soul to say that how I find God is just one "choice". First of all Christ chose us. Second he said he was the only way to God, and if you didn't accept that as true you cast him as insane. So don't come with your new age philosophy trying to undermine the core teachings of the religion. It doesn't work that way.

Now, for what is wrong with conservative Christians. It can all be summed up in one word: Judgement. Conservative Christians are judgmental, exclusionary and sometimes downright hateful, especially to people who are liberal. I have never understood this. Because holding to the teachings of Christ means to take care of the poor, yet that is EXACTLY what conservative philosophy says is wrong with liberals. I know what they say about us. I'm not going into my rant on that. The point is they don't accept liberals. So the choice is to be a very quiet liberal in a conservative church or not have a church. I've lived both lifestyles. The reason I continue to follow God is because even though others do it poorly that is no reason I shouldn't chase God with all my effort I can give it.

When it really comes down to it spirituality to me is freedom. Freedom to love someone who loves me back. Freedom and blessings that go beyond this world are to be achieved and received as often as I can find them. I find the truth and the glory of a spiritual walk with God to be the most important thing in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

http://www.homospirituality.com/2013/09/30/the-de-churched-how-to-talk-to-us/