I'm not one to subscribe to the things my depression tells me. I really try to hold onto some sense of hope and faith that I believe has helped me me get this far.
Which is why when I woke up this morning after another in a long line of bad nights of sleep believing the doctor would make things better, I was on my last hope in the "real world".
She did not seem to agree. I was told I need to pull myself back together. She did give me some new meds and instructions, which I will follow because the drugs are good and the instructions are to work out. I like working out.... it's like telling a kid to eat candy.
She said I likely won't be getting medicated for my ADD any time soon. Which to me means I won't be high functioning... it is what it is. I could rebel and abuse drugs, or I can obey. Since my family wants me to obey, and in my depressed state they're all that matters, I will obey. I'm also a horrible liar... probably one of the reasons I haven't succeeded as much as I wanted to.
I'm dealing with philosophical/spiritual issues of hopelessness. I have no idea if the dreams I had were delusions or not. At the moment they seem more like delusions. Yet following (and loving) God is a delusion if you approach it from a pragmatic/logical view. It's supposed to be. Maybe that's part of it's power. In the study of human potential I've lost track of people doing things simply because no one told them that they couldn't.
Yet... it's just another thing to give God. I have to give him back the vision I thought he gave me. Because he has done nothing to develop that vision into reality in my life. I don't deny he can do it. Guess what: He doesn't have depression or the same limitations I have. God knows (literally) what he can do. One day I'd like to know.
I was happy, for a brief moment, despite the absurd problems of my life. That was nice. Maybe someday I'll feel okay again. Not today though. Nope.
Which is why when I woke up this morning after another in a long line of bad nights of sleep believing the doctor would make things better, I was on my last hope in the "real world".
She did not seem to agree. I was told I need to pull myself back together. She did give me some new meds and instructions, which I will follow because the drugs are good and the instructions are to work out. I like working out.... it's like telling a kid to eat candy.
She said I likely won't be getting medicated for my ADD any time soon. Which to me means I won't be high functioning... it is what it is. I could rebel and abuse drugs, or I can obey. Since my family wants me to obey, and in my depressed state they're all that matters, I will obey. I'm also a horrible liar... probably one of the reasons I haven't succeeded as much as I wanted to.
I'm dealing with philosophical/spiritual issues of hopelessness. I have no idea if the dreams I had were delusions or not. At the moment they seem more like delusions. Yet following (and loving) God is a delusion if you approach it from a pragmatic/logical view. It's supposed to be. Maybe that's part of it's power. In the study of human potential I've lost track of people doing things simply because no one told them that they couldn't.
Yet... it's just another thing to give God. I have to give him back the vision I thought he gave me. Because he has done nothing to develop that vision into reality in my life. I don't deny he can do it. Guess what: He doesn't have depression or the same limitations I have. God knows (literally) what he can do. One day I'd like to know.
I was happy, for a brief moment, despite the absurd problems of my life. That was nice. Maybe someday I'll feel okay again. Not today though. Nope.
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