still further yet to travel, the road ahead

Came to another crisis point today. Which just highlighted how poorly I have let go, how poor I am at trust. I just couldn't even figure it out.

The problem is that I long to function highly. Deeply, I long to exercise often, work until I'm dog tired, run myself ragged and come back for more. Yet beneath all of that is the lurking fear. Fear that I might lose myself again. Fear that I want to lose myself. That my self destructive impulses might take my sanity away, again. With it would go my freedom.

So I try to recede, sleep and accept my powerlessness. Yet it is so hard to trust, so hard to wait. Day after day I push ahead, trying new things, trying not to let my loved ones down.

I don't see the way out, because it isn't time yet. I still believe in that light at the end of the tunnel, I'm still breathing so it's not over yet. God can  still work his wonders. I'm just being taught patience in a very painful way.

my line in the sand

I've been trying as hard as I can, yet it feels like it can never be enough. The deck looks stacked in a certain way, why did I pick up the cards?

I thought I could win. I thought my confidence and power would last. I thought I was smart enough, strong enough, or maybe correct enough.

But this is my line in the sand. You can take away everything I have left. You can't have me. I'll get away. It seems like I'm fated to survive this.

I'm washing away, letting all my cares go. Wondering why they seemed to matter so, why is it hard to let go?

Maybe I don't know. Maybe I won't win. But then again winning is walking away to fight again. Today's a new day. I'll survive this too.

One day I'll understand. I'm sorry I didn't plan good enough to fall and rise again. Sometimes there is not enough.

I gave it all up. It's not mine anymore. You can't steal from a man who willingly gives it all away. Talk to God. I'm his and so is this stuff. I don't have to be enough.

Tomorrow will come. Justice will win. I don't have to make it so. God is faithful.

Trusting beyond my ability. Lusting for more than this world can give. Letting my lack be a lesson. Letting go.

This is my line in the sand, and the tide is coming in. It will wash away the filth and disease. Leaving just me.

Hopeless

I'm not one to subscribe to the things my depression tells me. I really try to hold onto some sense of hope and faith that I believe has helped me me get this far.

Which is why when I woke up this morning after another in a long line of bad nights of sleep believing the doctor would make things better, I was on my last hope in the "real world".

She did not seem to agree. I was told I need to pull myself back together. She did give me some new meds and instructions, which I will follow because the drugs are good and the instructions are to work out. I like working out.... it's like telling a kid to eat candy.

She said I likely won't be getting medicated for my ADD any time soon. Which to me means I won't be high functioning... it is what it is. I could rebel and abuse drugs, or I can obey. Since my family wants me to obey, and in my depressed state they're all that matters, I will obey. I'm also a horrible liar... probably one of the reasons I haven't succeeded as much as I wanted to.

I'm dealing with philosophical/spiritual issues of hopelessness. I have no idea if the dreams I had were delusions or not. At the moment they seem more like delusions. Yet following (and loving) God is a delusion if you approach it from a pragmatic/logical view. It's supposed to be. Maybe that's part of it's power. In the study of human potential I've lost track of people doing things simply because no one told them that they couldn't.

Yet... it's just another thing to give God. I have to give him back the vision I thought he gave me. Because he has done nothing to develop that vision into reality in my life. I don't deny he can do it. Guess what: He doesn't have depression or the same limitations I have. God knows (literally) what he can do. One day I'd like to know.

I was happy, for a brief moment, despite the absurd problems of my life. That was nice. Maybe someday I'll feel okay again. Not today though. Nope.

still trying to return to reality

My doctor has taken me off the drugs which allowed me to function on the level that I did. Further I'm lacking on help right now. So from day to day it appears I am alive. However at the moment I'm pretty depressed (chemically). My spirit fights on and if I fail to return to the functioning I was at, I'll find it in total oppressive sobriety. I will get stronger, because that's kind of what I do.

That's my update. The fact that I wrote a positive update on this nonproductive mindset shows that you can't crush hope. It's still there, stronger than ever.