update 8-28

Journal 8-28

So I'm feeling very frustrated and this is all I have to work with, typing up a future blog entry that I may never publish.

Last night I dreamed again.... about Nikki. In my dream my dad and she were conversing about my attraction to her. He talked about my devotion.... etc etc. And how james will never love her like I would, or be a good father like I might. And she decided to leave him for me. SO we started trying to be intimate. It was wonderful. Of course I felt guilt, something felt wrong that by the force of my will I had received what I wanted so bad at the expense of her relationship with him. Which is why I'm trying not to sabotage it. If she leaves him, and chooses me, it should be her idea. I tried to kiss her and it all fell apart.
I put on my music forget the day
think of a girl that I used to know,
I close my eyes and I drift away

(guitar riff)
It's more than a feeling
more than a feeling
when I hear that old song once again
I've been believing, more than a feeling
see Mary Ann walk away
I see that Mary Ann walking away

Check bounced, now I'm short over 160 dollars because of the bank and the insurance agency, now that's not counting the money I pray is sitting in my drawer.

Anyway got through first two classes. I need to find a way to access the net on campus.... will work on that in about two hours.
Anyway, it's still eating at me about dreaming about Nikki, being as how I can't have her. In my dream she realized that I was the better choice... because of Dad. And she resented it.... so I read anyway hence the failed kiss. She's talking about moving out if she loses her job.... I'm trying to be very apathetic about it. After all, if she does I can rent to one person and make more money, And have better parking. But I'd miss her.... a bit. Lately she's been less pleasant, she promises things and doesn't do them. It's a problem of how affection and love works. People can hurt you, but then again you can forget. I've started to come around to the idea that I care/cared for my ex wife. Yes, I loved her. Not just in the traditional sense that I affectionately enjoyed her attentions (that was the first step to have to admit). Over time I have discovered that I also miss her touch, her eyes, how it felt to come home to her, the security of her love and her being there. Now of course I realize the security was an illusion.

In other news I apparently talked my way through a block with a witty new girl. No more details for now, I've learned my lesson.

Get this guys: I get it

So I just had an amazing epiphany of why my previous relationships, particularly my marriage failed. As some of you might know this has been the holy grail of understandings for two years already. This is like cracking the mystery of why you can't become attractive to anyone you are attracted to, despite stories and advertising to the contrary. This is big big stuff. A guy recognizing how wrong he was even though no one would damn tell him is a blessed miracle. So I was taking apart the marriage bit by bit for what must be the 77th time when I started to look at it a different way. My previous theories often centered on that she had fooled herself into marrying me based on an abstinence obsessed christian subculture. Which I took some responsibility for due to my being the overcharged libido carrier in fault for the crime in question. So when it failed it must have been my fault for building a marriage on lies that your first partner in bed will be the one you know and understand best. I built a marriage on the idea that two people with similar goals and high libido would come out fine. I was wrong of course. Now, not just in that I once thought the marriage would last, also I am deeply deeply wrong in why she stopped loving me. She stopped loving me because I never loved her the way she needed. I loved her the best I could. Honestly it's like throwing in a bunch of metric tools with non metric hardware. They can try, but all they can ever be is on different machines. I was always daydreaming about the sex we might have one day if we ever get up to it. Then we'd get up to it and it would always disappoint. Is it any wonder I had problems with literary porn. Fantasies fueled my life. I lived dreaming to live. I was so deeply invested in being right about everything, about things just having to be so, about missing the most important thing I ever missed: Maybe she did love me as deeply as she said. It's possible, I'm not an unattractive man. Maybe she just wanted my love. No need to think about the future when you are really in love. The future is windowdressing. The now is precious because you are with the one you love. If you don't love them you are always looking away. I was always looking away. I didn't love her like I should. I could never accept the simplicity of her romance. It was a homecooked meal, a new outfit, holding me when I got home from work. Working with me, playing with me. My best friend. I loved her, but not enough. Love is never enough, is the title of a book on my shelf on couple's psychology. Good communication it says is the core of any relationship. I never felt welcome to have feelings around her. I felt like she was trying to crush us into becoming her parents. And because I feared it, it tried to become so. Then she was afraid we'd turn into my parents, and she feared it and it nearly became so. Actually it did become so. Only she didn't love me like my mom loves my dad. That's what makes mom a lady, she has the class to see past the faults and love him through it all. If Lindsay had been so, I would have loved her forever, imagine it. Never starting smoking. Never being a playboy sort. No blond hair. No crazy eyeglasses. No big slush fund..... actually that would still exist if we both could work. No new car for YOU this time.

someday I'll find her....... maybe in the afterlife, but she's  out there....
I don't know how to get over....Nicki....Sarah. I loved Sarah but the anxiety.... the anxiety..... Going back to her has more free radicals in the experiment than an untested nuclear blast. It's too dangerous and frankly I both love her to much to risk doing that to her, and love me too much to do it to me. And I don't love her or need her in my life so much that makes such risk worthwhile. It was shallow love.

People like us
who will answer the telephone
people like us
we don't need freedom
We don't want justice
we just want someone to love
What good is freedom?
God laughs at people like us
I see it coming, like thunder falling down from above.

Times are hard for people like us.