Open letter to my creator

Dear God,

Please forgive my anger, my doubt and frustration. Please forgive me for not loving you or my neighbor as I should.

This is not an excuse for my behavior, I know that accountability wise that despite my circumstances I still shouldn't have fallen short. The thing is that I'm human. I'm prone to fall short of your glory from time to time. If that wasn't the case you wouldn't have sent your son to die for me. What defies my understanding is how you in your perfection can say that you love me.

I don't mean from a point of that you are proud of me, I know you are that. I don't mean from a point that me seeking you makes your heart glad, I know that as well. I mean to direct your attention towards your actions. First of all there is the lack of solidarity between you and I. I have certain desires, and it seems that you have conflicting desires. I desire to be out of pain.

I find myself in frequent confusion over your so called promises. The problem as I see it is that a promise indicates a contractual arrangement. I am but human and I beg you to correct my foolishness and ignorance. You are so great it really does confuse me why you do what you do (or don't do). I have sought you, yet I am still waiting to find your favor. I have asked, yet I wait to receive. I have knocked and the door has yet to open. It's greatly confusing that things are getting harder when I have been begging for relief.

If you are looking to humble me that mission is done. I feel totally worthless in my situation. Show me what worth I have to you, if any! Why do you force me to go on living when I see nothing worth doing? Why am I forced to live in agony when you are a good God, and the source of all good things? How long must I cry out before you hear me? How much must I endure? Did you not say you have a plan for me, a plan for hope and a future? Did you not send Christ so that I might have life and have it abundantly? Where is this abundance? Didn't you come to free the enslaved, break the chains and take care of your children? As you said if we can give our children good gifts, how much better will you? Didn't you say "if your child asks you for bread will you give him a stone?" Why are my pleas for relief repaid with more agony?

Where are these good gifts? Where is freedom? Where are you? Have you forgotten me? Do I matter at all to you? I sought significance and purpose from you and I have found despair. Are you still coming? How much longer? What if I can't wait that long? Does my pain matter to you? Didn't you send Christ that you might understand our suffering? Why then do you not offer comfort or relief? I ask you again what do you want from me? Am I doing something wrong? If I have sinned against you or my fellow men please offer me forgiveness and mercy. How can we be free from sin when we have no freedom? This oppressive environment is suffocating me. I feel like I'm drowning slowly. I know that you can do so much more than I ask, so I beg you to at least do something.

I bring my pain as my offering today, such as it is. I beg you to set me free. Please Lord let today be the day this agonizing trial ends. Let me go or let me come home to you, I don't care which. I just beg you to release me. I now come to say something very hard to say for me. I admit my relative powerlessness without your help. I admit that all the good I have had in my life was due to your love and gifts. I know I'm not deserving. I may have limited power in my situation but even that comes from you. Please, above all if you answer no other request please give me some power over my situation. Please save me from worry, fear and anxiety. Lord you can save me, you can heal us and deliver us. You are great and your power is absolute. Your glory endures and you repay faith with love and favor. I don't know what else to do but hold on to that. Please let that be enough and see me not for what I have done, but by the saving grace that Christ died for. Remember the value I had to you that you loved me so much that you gave your own son. How else can you manifest that love? Are you not the same today as you were yesterday and you will still be forever?

Please, give me what I need for today. Cast your favor on me.

Love your son,
Max
in the name of Christ who is capable of doing all and more than we ask.

Where is God?

This song came to mind when I came up with this topic. The point in my mind is that we can suppose all day long about where or what he is doing, but in the end we are clueless. I feel completely lost, adrift on a stormy sea. That isn't to say he isn't working, he is. That is to say that regardless of him walking by my side, the lonelyness remains. I wait and wait for him to redeem, for some reward for faithfulness....

I also ran across this blog, and it touched me:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/but-jesus-isnt-that-putting-hurts-in-the-proper-perspective/

Of course this solves nothing. It's a reminder that God isn't the source of our pain. We must believe he is about saving, about healing and about delivering us from evil.

How are you?

I have been thinking about this sentence for some time because it really matters to how I relate to people. I'd like to think that my observations on this matter will at the very least scratch some psychological itch. At most maybe the reader can relate.

I live in northeast Oklahoma. The area is known as green country. I live smack in the middle in a city called Tulsa. I've discussed it before, but this is important detail. Departing from most urbanites the Tulsa approach to city life includes fake bonding and fake kindness. Some might blame the churches, others the poverty, and still others might point an accusing finger at the climate.

Whatever the reason it seems I find myself walking through public areas with people who know me only distantly asking me what I consider a personal question. They ask me how I am.

It might just be my mood today but I really don't know how to properly answer for myself. The standard answer "fine" is a bald faced lie for me. I'm not fine. It is when I think about it a case of things being very far from fine. I'm really shocked I'm still alive today to have this conversation. But equal apathy keeps me from expressing this emotion. The apathy on their part is that while they want to appear concerned, they aren't invested. My apathy is sourced in my total distrust in the human race to appropriately respond to my status.

So I end up saying "not so good". Then they say "a case of the Mondays?"
I respond "sure, I just had a weekend..."

Somehow that is enough. Somehow it doesn't matter that I'm feeling like a run over piece of rubber. Or that I really can't be sure I'll be there to see them next time. Somehow social convention covers that.

Then when people do kill themselves all their friends say "we never saw this". I'd challenge those with depressed loved ones to actually want to see their loved ones as they are. Those of us in this boat are tryingg to treasure our remaining time. I don't want lectures on how it is selfish. Pain is a selfish feeling. It's a feeling that things aren't right and they should be better. It seems to me that feeling such pain over things being so not as they should be logically leads to the point that you deserve to not be in pain. No one I have met will stand behind this. Pain just is. So is time. In time it will go away. For now I'm watching and waiting. Watching to see if I can do anything. Waiting to see if God or anyone effects anything in my life. Waiting for salvation or death.

windows 8 joys

Add three things my windows 8 laptop is prone to do that I would really rather a computer NEVER do:
1: not allow me to type or perform low level (word processing) tasks while it has internet or other issues. To clarify for various reasons I used a computer as my only composition tool, and have always tried to find the sturdiest computer for this reason. Computers have been word processing for over 30 years, this should be something fairly simple.
2: Random and forced updates and reboots. Nothing like really sinking your teeth into work (or play) and finding out you have 15 minutes to get off so that the computer can install vital updates. When did these updates become so vital? Couldn't I do them when I'm not on battery and working? Alas no I am informed. It must be now. Then I lose half an hour when I'm on a deadline.
3: Rearrange my shortcuts while I'm trying to use them. Nothing changes a would be professional morning into a very embarrassing morning like switching my link for wikipedia with tumbler, or youtube, or some other site with video and or music. my classmates can ignore my frantic research to figure out the answers to life's driving questions, but not "What does the fox say?"...... thanks again windows.

On a personal note it WASN'T tumbler or youtube that switched with an innocent webpage. It was something that would have been blocked by the school server. However still embarrassing.

Some of these might be software problems, but so far my experience with windows 8 sums up with simply : Don't install it. Windows 7 works, and does far fewer goofy things in a week than my laptop has done in a morning.
For my fellow geeks I am running 8.0 on an Asus machine with an intel i7 and a decent amount of ram. I am waiting with less and less patience to perform a backup and install linux side by side with win 8. Until then, I am at Microsoft's mercy.

Optimism is a cancer, Hope is poison, and this crappy world isn't worth the effort to draw F***ing breath

I'm seriously depressed, pissed, and tired of trying to pretend any of this shit is going to be better. As I said aptly earlier it's not that I don't have friends or those that love me, it's that they are way outnumbered by everything that is set to break me down. Pray for me if you think that will work. Hopefully God will pull me back from the brink, I'll let you know. More likely I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. This is killing empathy for me.

I watch the "horrible" news, people are dead, politics is crap, people that try hard fail and are murdered. My thoughts generally? Fucking suck it up. There's no hope for the future, death is a sure thing, and frankly the only fucking blessing there is for the poor. If you're christian it's the only way you'll ever get to fucking choose where you live, what you eat, or to be healthy or happy. So hats off to death, the best plan our leaders have for poor people. Maybe we should have babies and sell them to the rich, I mean, if there's money in it why the fuck not? Why not expand prostitution? I mean no matter what you do in this shithole you're sucking corperate dick. I've gotten over my gag reflex over that, or doing unethical behaviour for a paycheck, why not just be a total whore? Makes a man wish he was a woman, there are options....

Faith endures when everything else is gone

I know my updates haven't been what they should, and what can I say but that usually means one of two things. It's either that life is too good for me to bother, or it's too bad for me to bring anything sublime to writing at all.

This past week and a half has been both.

As I mentioned in several of my previous posts my car is out of service. That has led to missing more classes than I can afford to. Which has led to stress and depression. I'm not going to spiral over it right now, because frankly I'm doing all I can. The car is currently in the shop, I should be hearing something soon.

Second I fell off of insurance. This unfortunately also led to me losing access to the sleeping meds I needed to function, so I had to turn to.... other things. Currently 160 bucks in, and will be another 90 in soon enough, this insurance thing is a bitch. I know that I'm lucky to have anything to help. The bad side is that I lost 5 hours last night due to stomach issues.... which of course is what it is.

I was planning on getting a new vehicle, but the ONLY way that works is if I sell my current vehicle.... which is in the shop. I don't think it is smart to buy something on the faith that someone will buy what I have. So I wait.

Times like this really push my faith to the limit. I feel like I'm writing quite often on this subject. Which means either there is someone out there right now who needs to know they aren't alone, or I will meet people who need the strength I'm building at some point. God doesn't waste anything.

On the surface there is something really sinister in the whole concept of how God turns our pain into his victories. I was supposed to meet with my mentor and my questions for him were based on the movie Adjustment Bureau. One of the central themes in the movie is that some people's entire purpose was to be hurt, but it's for the greater good. This is one of those subverted concepts that exists within our concept of God.

Part of why is most likely how we respond to others in grief. When I know someone is hurting, and I want to give a Christian answer I might be tempted to say "God has a plan". Which sounds good from the side of my life working. However when it is said to me and I am in pain, it's the worst thing in the world to hear. How can this be part of God's plan? I don't care if you lost a job, a car, or even a loved one. The hurt is real when we cry out to God "Why did you let this happen?"

This can actually be a point where more scripture can hurt. We look for if God has taken awhile to show up before. Immediately the stories of Job, David, Exodus and Lazarus come to mind. Starting with Job, God not only took some time to show up, he actually is portrayed as pointing Job out to Satan and painting a target on his back. Talk about tough theology, Job deals almost entirely with grief, while never addressing what God was doing.

David is another standard example of biblical pain. Open up the psalms sometime and read how abandoned and unloved he felt. This is the man after God's own heart. This is one of the greatest warriors of the Bible, and in the thick of it he felt totally alone and abandoned. That's strong stuff. Read Psalm 69 for a specific example of this.

Exodus is one of the worst. God reached a point of such anger that he told an entire generation that they would have to die before he delivered the people to the promised land. Even Moses was never allowed to enter the promised land. In total it took over four hundred years for God to fulfill his promise. Plenty of faithful people died waiting.

Finally, we come to the Christ example in John 11. This is the only time we are privy to the actual process of how God reacts to things. When he finds out his friend Lazarus is sick he makes his way towards him, however he does not arrive in time. Lazarus dies and his family and friends are in mourning. I find this story so easy to relate to because of what happens next. His sister comes up to Jesus, I always imagine her totally broken with grief. She says to him in 21 and 22
"21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”"
I just totally get that feeling. We cry out to him "God, if you had just done this, this wouldn't have happened!"
How many times I have found myself crying because I prayed and believed he would show up, only to see despair.
 I remember I had a sales job at a furniture store. I had just started and sales were slow. Over time it became obvious that the determining factor, namely customers, was out of my control. So I went deep into prayer and scripture reading. I begged God to deliver the sales I needed to feed my family. For over a month I tried. Then one day I was called into the office and offered my release. I had failed, and it certainly hurt all the more because I had hoped God would show up. This eventually led to the biggest fight in my marriage, and the marriage fell apart in the end at least partially because of my financial situation.

When she cheated on me, because I wasn't enough, don't you think I asked God "why didn't you provide?"
When I prayed for God to save my marriage, and it died anyway, don't you think I wondered why God had allowed it to happen?

Over the years due to this one moment I have faced foreclosure and nearly lost all I had more times than I want to admit. Where was God?

The thing is, God was with me the whole time. He still is, even in my despair over this situation. I can't tell you jack squat about God's blessing right now, which isn't to say I'm not blessed. The thing about the people in these situations is that if they had faith, they were rewarded. Over and over again he rewards trust and faithfulness.

Now here is the painful truth: if your faith fails it isn't faith.

The most obvious way this is true is in the issue of hope. Eventually, you may lose hope for your situation (in the natural). When I look at the messes in my life I often cry out to heaven: "Why haven't you answered my prayers yet?" Then, I have to stand and wait for an answer. Now this is me, because of a number of issues.

One major one is that I believe in honor and duty. This isn't as common as it used to be. The saying that sums it up is "A man's honor is a gift he gives to himself." This is true. Finding a motivation to act "the right way" is harder for modern men. It's not only that fewer people are teaching honor and duty, but people who are rude and inconsiderate are portrayed as successful.

Keeping my word is a biblical issue for me. The Lord says "let your yes be yes and your no be no". It's not just an issue of doing it for myself, it's doing it because it effects how I'm treated. So I have made a commitment in my life to faith. I've been very careful about how I commit myself. I haven't committed myself to bare any pain for him, I know he calls those commitments. I haven't taken vows of chastity or poverty, I know my character and I know that at least on some level this would cause discord in the relationship.

There is really only one solemn vow I have made, and that is that if God brings me someone he needs me to work with, I won't say no. That's huge for me. I have also vowed to do all I can not to turn from him. Note that I haven't promised never to turn away, again I know my character. I know it's possible that I might get mad enough at him not to listen to him for awhile. He's patient and he can take it. I know that in my heart he will always exist to some extent. However whether I will always trust him is uncertain. Always is such a long time.

But this commitment to try means I still attempt to seek him, even when it seems stupid. Yes, after going through this long bit about how majestic and grand his designs are I still can state it's apparent stupidity. It seems utterly silly to seek out God when he is not going to give you a solid gold guarantee.

 As a business agreement it sucks. The input and output are so out of whack it's not even worth investing in as a junk bond. I agree to input my faith, my devotion, my actions and my very life to his will. He in returns makes vague promises of reward, of providing above and beyond my needs, and of a greater life in the here-after. So I am putting in a known, in the amount of energy I put into seeking him. I put a known amount of emotional and financial investment into this arrangement. Then when I come and ask him to do his end of the deal, and it doesn't seem effective. He says he'll do it in his timing. I don't buy this gospel of poverty BS about God wanting us poor. That's like saying God doesn't want us to have sex. It is my belief that God created good things on this Earth for us to enjoy.

Even from a  scriptural perspective the gospel of poverty doesn't hold up. I'd have to ignore too many scriptures.

Which brings me back to faith. Faith isn't always hopeful. For me though, faith is the only future I've got. If I thought God was done with me (which is something that passes through my mind from time to time) I'd end it right away. I'd actually be waiting for God to let me die, and who knows maybe he will. At times like this I just sit back in wonder at the darkness in my life. How is God with me even in a hole like this? It's not easy. I can't imagine the agony of being an all powerful God, with empathy, allowing this pain to happen. It would be like watching your kid die of a terminal illness, having the cure, but not being able to administer it.

Depression is terminal, eventually unless you kill it at the root, it'll kill you. Those of us in it can only hope that there is mercy at the end of this thing killing us. We are told over and over to kill yourself is selfish. It's the same level of selfish as shooting up morphine because the pain is too much. Yes, wanting the pain to stop puts me and perhaps others in a selfish place. The pain makes you believe that if you could just end it, everything would be okay. Maybe it would be, for you.

Until I personally reach the point that there is no logical way to make my life work, I won't know what goes through the mind of the suicide victim. I'm committed that if I have to reach that point, it has to hold up in the light of day. I can't just do it just because the wind is wrong on that day, that's not reasonable. I must remember that God is still working, as long as I'm alive there is a chance that he'll deliver. It's not a cheerful thing, I know this ticks off my friends and family.

This life, my life, it belongs to God by choice and me by birthright. Deep in the relationship contract it becomes clear there is probably a place where the needs of the organism are so bad that they supersede the desires of the deity. I haven't found that place yet though. I'd love to meet someone who has, because I am curious about whether I am approaching it. I couldn't tell you.

Love is not logical, and love is not reasonable. If love were reasonable sinful creatures such as us wouldn't be given agape love from God. In the end if I pull from the biblical example it holds up that his will is larger than mine, greater than mine, and better than mine. His will cannot be fully understood by human minds. To say "God you should of" to anything says that you feel like you know what's best. To say that says you know better than God. Holding true to the word and saying you know better are philosophically incompatible

I feel like I'm circling myself here, so I'm going to close in prayer.

Prayer:
God,
Please fill in where I am lacking in wisdom and intelligence. Be my strength when I am weak. Forgive me for my wrong thinking, and help me to have compassion for my fellow broken people. Heal us lord, that we may have life abundantly. Bring us to a better place spiritually, mentally and physically. Help us to ask correctly that we can receive. Help us to seek and find what we are looking for. Show us how to knock so that the doors can be opened. Lord you said that you have a plan for me, a plan for hope and a future. Lord I call you to rebuke the evil one. Put the naysayers and people who doubt what you can do to shame. You said you were on my side like a dread warrior. God please go before me as I go forward. Deliver me on behalf of the righteousness you see in me due to what Christ did.

God help me to learn what I need to learn in this battle. Deliver me on the field of victory like Joshua and David. Break off my chains and free me from my bonds so I might only be bonded to you. Lord you have the power to forgive all sins and debts. Please Lord, where others have saddled me with debt with a false vision of the future, let your grace cover and your victory prevail.

I thank you God for the work I see in those I love. I thank you for working in my life. I thank you that you value faithfulness. I thank you that I don't have to behave to a standard, just to do the best I can. Lord I believe that you are still working to answer the prayers I have brought you. I believe you are planning to work things out even better than I could have hoped for. You are mighty, and you are worthy of praise. Please recognize me, give comfort to my pain and provision for the better future. Lord let my beginnings seem humble so great will my future be! I submit all these things, I give you my pain, my struggle and my confusion. You are with me today, and you won't forget what you promised.
-Max

hard night

Tried to go to bed, then had a panic attack. Still recovering..... such is life.

I don't know what to fucking say I just know that writing is one of the cures for being pissed.

Nikki prayed for me, that was nice. She seemed to be echoing alot of God stuff back at me.....

Don't really know how to feel about that....

It's not like I'm fucking happy about any of this.....

Not like I don't want out......

It's that love isn't about what I fucking want....

Or what I think is humane, or reasonable.....

It's about giving my all even when I've given all I have to give...

If any of that even made sense.

As if making sense mattered at all! It's all nonsense! Nonsense noise and crying into the dark when the dark is bigger and more painful than anything you could have imagined.....

Now imagine this: God is bigger than that.....

My brain can't conceive or understand that, but it's true all the same......

I'll let him take care of.... whatever he wants to really....... I just wish he was a bit more proactive right now....


which isn't to say he's not.....

What am I going to be when I grow up?

I'm going to make an effort to not make this a one off on this idea I had. Many of my posts consist of what is essentially a thought ray I am trying to capture. Writing crystallizes good thoughts. It also purges bad thoughts. So try it, it does stuff for you. On a side note: if you are like me and hooked to having others interested in your life it gives your heart great joy when you can actually SEE when other people seek out your work.

Now to the question:
What does Max intend to be when he grows up?

Now this is not to purely discuss what I want to be. I want to spend 10 years as a bestselling author, 4 years as president of the United States, 10 years as a guru living on a mountain, 10 years strictly being a family man, and 10 years as the pope. That is what I would like to do with the next 44 years of my life. Currently I think I can do two of those.

You see I listed them off by age that it would be nice for these things to work out at. Being well off would serve me well at this stage. So would having produced some work worth knowing about that was published. I do want to change the world, but how does one do that? Slowly seems to be the answer. 

My heroes are: Bill Clinton, FDR, Teddy Roosevelt, Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, Pope Francis, Tolkien, CS Lewis, John Lenin, the OTHER Lenin, my Dad and Christ.

I know that one man can't hit all the highlights, but I'm going to hit the ones I can.

I think I could be an author. I'm working on a book, get it finished and guess what? I'm a novelist. Maybe I can get it published. Even if not, it's a mark on the road.

According to the rules right now, Pope is out of reach. One I'm not going to take a vow to give up sex. Two I am for birth control (and abortion if you must know). Three I'm not a confirmed catholic (not planning on it either). It's really more about my desire to be spiritual and relevant. Any high office in the church is by definition relevant.

There are two known paths to becoming a guru (and getting paid for it), one is to get ordained in a church and operate under it's structure.People do that, my girlfriend's mom is doing it. God bless her. The other is to work within the system while slowly compiling your data and skill until you are ready to strike out on your own.

Now this isn't to say I am out to start a cult. I'm not into brainwashing, love free will, and not into polygamy. I also don't have an ego complex to think that I am God. I don't think my morality would allow any of such. But I do intend to be a guide. Whether I can work within the system, we'll just have to see. 

For now I'm working on my goal to be able to work 4 days a week (or less) and make enough money to live. It's not an amount of money, it's a lifestyle goal. 

Back on the horse

I'm back to working on my novel today. I've started drafting the newest chapter. Currently I am 30 pages in, around 14k pages, from the goal I am at least 18 percent in.

I created a full sized draft document with indexes. Yes, I'm proud of those indexes.
So it's not to see now, but I wanted to share what I'm working on.
Also, I was reminded of a funny sketch from a british comedy program.

"Stephen: Horses are very big, John.

Hugh: I know they are, Thomas.

Stephen: You fall off one of them, and anything can happen.

Hugh: Quite.

Stephen: (Pause)
Well not "anything".

Hugh: No. Not "anything".

Stephen: I mean this clock isn't going to become Prime Minister, just because someone has fallen off a horse. I didn't mean "anything" is that sense.

Hugh: Of course not, Thomas. Anyway Cavendish is examining her now."

It is my goal, approximately, to create this good of dialogue. It's a process! To be good at any art you must practice!
Full sketch here:
http://abitoffryandlaurie.co.uk/sketches/marjories_fall

Getting over the birthday curse

A birthday for some people is a very dangerous thing. It's not safe to grow old, and times like this are a common pitfall to pull us down as we mark another year passing. For many years I have had a private belief that it was entirely possible that my birthday was cursed. This year sadly didn't help improve that.

I feel some background is necessary to explain the curse. It seems to me that it would be more reasonable for a person with an ego the size mine is to enjoy a birthday. After all it is a day about me. In actual fact the first issue I have with it is that in general people let me down on this day. Christmas holds a similar yuck factor that you build it up for months then it comes and it can never live up to your hopes. So every year I try to have lower expectations. Sometimes I get myself something I wanted, sometimes I don't. My parents always do something, but it's still a rough day.

More pressing on the docket of why I dislike birthdays is the events that happen on them. This year for example the day before I was supposed to lose my health insurance (thanks insurance company). Then the day of I got in a small accident with a curb and hurt my fender, destroyed my headlight, dented my wheel and didn't get the fancy breakfast out I was offered. Then I got in a fight with my girlfriend because I was pretty unhappy about the whole ordeal. Oh, and top that off with a disagreement with my parents where they argue the point that it's all going to be okay, and I fall to pieces. That was the first half of my day.

Somewhere near the midpoint I got really angry at God about this whole thing. More specifically I was heartbroken that I had prayed SO hard for better economic times so I could be insulated, and it didn't quite work out that way. It pushes me beyond my breaking point to try to understand how or why his timing is taking so long.

Then something happened. I saw my girl break down and cry about how awful this situation has become. Crying seemed like the right thing to do actually, because things have been pretty bleak and awful. She was crying and sounded so broken I went over and held her. Partially I have to admit the motivation was to do what was right by her. At least some of it was that it hurt me to see her so damaged by this storm we are in. I feel awful that I am so helpless in this situation.

She was by the front door. She closed it, threw her keys on the ground and fell against the door sobbing. I embraced her as she cried. The crying got even louder, I'm standing there thinking "Why God, why?"

Then I see my "daily motivation" on the back of the door. I wrote the thing in a moment of feeling really close to God. There are probably five of them posted around the house. Actually I barely look at them anymore. But I read it while I held her. It said, "God is in control, God has a good plan." Now if someone else had said that to me at that point I might have slapped them. But seeing these words I had written on the door was different. It made me come to terms with the truth of who God is.

To really trust him I have to submit to the fact that he does have a plan. I may not like where I am, but he's got some idea of how and when it is going to get better. I have entrusted him with so much and something inside of me keeps saying that it won't be much more or much longer before he shows me how he rewards trust and faithfulness.

Today is just another day in the trudge through this dark time in my life. I won't sugar coat it. But God's promise is still just as true today as it was before. He'll lead me out, even if I'm not smart enough or resourceful enough to do it myself.