Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The vocal minority

I'm coming down to realize the reasons I smoke are more complex than I have previously discussed. Yes, the flavor is good and I do enjoy it. But a larger reason, larger especially now that I realize it is this; smoking tobacco puts a man at odds with society for choices that HE has made. Now I used to be one of those clean living types, liberal and healthy and all that bull.  The liberal agenda is supposed to be to defend the little guy, the put upon and those who either cannot or will not speak for themselves. Our liberal friends, who claim to be on our side never seem to get around to voicing what the minority has to say. Now the conservatives are worse, but not by much. I'm pro-smoking. I'm proud to say that I love the taste of a good cigar. I'd gladly give anyone I like a good cigar, and sit down and enjoy the day, which is what I'm doing at this very moment.

What really gets to me is the blatant hypocracy of the non smoking world. Not that smokers are any more honest, but most are a bit more realistic to realize that first of all, life is dangerous, and second we aren't getting the whole story. There is a witch hunt against smokers in this country. And yet many continue to smoke. They must have good reasons. I know I do. We as smokers are sick of being lumped together with everyone that smokes.

Here is how it works, and this applies to a large amount of labels. What someone does for a hobby does not make them homicidal, abusive, or a destructive member of society. Why do more of these sorts of people smoke? Because when you stop caring what others think enough to be a detriment to society you might as well smoke, and do anything else you might wish to do. You know that when you get caught they're just going to kill you or make your life hell anyway. Why not smoke?
A person, let's call him Dave, could be a real piece of work. He could cheat on his wife, beat her and the kids when he gets home, eventually devolve into bank robbery and working for the mob. He might have to start pulling off hits, etc etc.
Anyway, Dave has made some personal choices in his life. I'll tell you a couple. He drives a red ford truck for example. Now that is a personal choice. He likes his truck. However him liking it doesn't make him a bad person. Would you start attacking everyone who drives a Ford, or a truck, that they don't have your best interests at heart? No. Do you know why? Because Ford has worked hard to create a positive image in the mind of america. They are good trucks, and that doesn't change a thing. Now when Dave is driving around in his big old ford truck he likes to go through the drive through of McDonald's. He doesn't order off the healthy menu. He eats a greasy burger and fries. He's not taking very good care of himself is he? Does that mean we should insult him? Maybe make burger and fries very highly taxed and hard to get. That would show him for not taking good enough care of himself. You realize that is just plain silly. I hope you do.
Now he likes to pick up a case of Bud Light on the way home so he can have a drink while he watches his shows and his wife tries to avoid him so she won't get hit. He'll probably get drunk. And he'll die younger because he overdrinks and blacks out every night. And society DOES see that evil. Yet we don't say everyone who has a bud light at a bar, or buys bud light is evil. We understand he is an alcoholic. He needs treatment and rehab, and he might have to go to jail. Because of his inability to control himself. Not the alcohol. Dave, like many men, likes a smoke while he's drinking.
Which brings me around to my point. Dave is a bad man. No one who works at the tobacco shop made him that. No one in big tobacco is guilty of even ONE crime against Dave. Dave is going to die young because he's reckless in general. He's just as likely to drive that Ford into the river, or drink himself to death as to die of lung cancer. Actually it's more likely his liver will fail first. Society has to find other ways to cope with people like that other than punishing good contributing citizens with overtaxation and discrimination. There are many jobs that discriminate against smokers. The smoking area is almost always dirty and not relaxing. And why not? Smokers must deserve it for making a life choice like that, right?
Smokers are people, whether anyone wants to admit or not. And there is nothing wrong with tobacco, except for the smell, and that's something all of us, smokers and non smokers, have to deal with.

letter to my girl


Hey baby,
      I'm just sitting here, dealing with anxiety caused by this medicine, missing you. I feel so sick to my stomach from this it isn't even funny. Maybe because normally when I feel this sick it's because I feel horrible about something that I'm worried so much about every little thing. I keep thinking that I must be feeling guilty about something. What do I have to feel guilty about? My past is the first thing that pops into my head. I think I really just need to type out this problem and I'll feel better. Hence the drafting of this letter. I feel guilty about being with a man, that I was with a man right before we met. Something in my brain wants to make more of it than I wanted to, so I'm using some logic on this. First of all, and mind you I'm trying very hard not to rationalize, I wasn't with you. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't become aware of you until after that happened. That's a calming thought. Second, my past is my past, you've accepted that and I need to. I feel guilty about being diagnosed with a disease (since this version is for my blog I'll just say it's an STD, not AIDS). It's like it's all my fault. I mean it IS. And aren't I already paying the consequences? What am I worried about? You know the score on my past. You know the risks. You love me regardless..... I'm scared of losing your love. You love me so well, but sometimes you get so mad at me, like I'm not the man you pictured yourself with. That's why I try to be very real about who I am. If I lose you at this point because of who I am, or because of my past I can't control that. No amount of talking will undo everything I have done. Only God can provide the forgiveness I seek, not you. I need to pray..... break for a moment, talk amongst yourselves.


to be continued

Friday, April 13, 2012

aha, a mystery

I think perhaps I finally am growing to understand the nature of love. Having met the woman I hope to grow old with, I must unravel the mystery of how to make her feel perfectly loved. Yes I have the words, I have the tools in that way, but what are her buttons?
I suppose it doesn't seem like a big thing but it is. I have been puzzling all day on quite a puzzle. In a documentary, well a TED talk, and they said the brain has three attachments. The sexual, the romantic and the long term. Now according to the good doctor they can be separate people. My desire is that they not. Because if they are, then that leads logically to cheating and I won't stand for it. So, for now, where I'm at anyway, I need to find reasons to be utterly facinated by her. I'm horribly attracted to her, but things are rather..... vanilla. Not that they aren't as wonderful as I could ever have hoped that vanilla would be. But I am... shall we say, intrigued by the prospect of trying to discover how to stimulate her, make her lose control, make her lose herself in our passion. It's a wonderful dream, a challenging quest and it will take everything I have and a bit of luck to spare to get there. But she does love me, and I can only hope she desires to drive me as wild as I want to drive her.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

so..... yeah

I know, I only post when I need to vent... which is less and less lately, yes? Well only partially. I get less time to myself due to the new relationship (FYI: YAY), and when I do my roommate has kidnapped my computer and I have to wait, and then I have to get work done. Seriously I went from 40+ hours on or near my computer a week to getting maybe 12-15. Wow. I didn't even realize it was that huge of a decrease. No wonder my work and this has been neglected. So seriously sorry to any readers and naturally to my future self that the past few weeks have not been documented enough.
So... it's just alot of frustration right now. I carve out time to spend with my roommate in hopes to help her deal with her issues and so I can get my computer back more...................... and FUCK I am pissed that she doesn't understand I'm trying to make time for her. Obviously living with her makes her think that she has some sort of right to my time.
Also all is not perfect with the relationship. I mean I love Sarah. Note that first. She's amazing, sweet, beautiful, and rather sexy. I mean I've felt closer with her at times than with anyone. BUT, and this is a big BUT, there are irritants. Which I should be talking about with ANYONE but ranting into my blog. Yet I'm not. I'm just not there with any of my friends. I mean this used to be something I would talk about with Nikki.... but, and this is an irritant, Nikki and I are trying to redefine our boundaries. Well we were. BUT, she's on the phone. What happened was we got back after having this great evening drinking and hanging out with new friends....... just talked with her. Hang out, I'll be back.