sometimes the right words just come to me in this dark world

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I've been through so many ups and downs over the past few weeks, and today this is EXACTLY where I need to be. We lived through another day, it's a good excuse to celebrate. Take a number knock on wood find a reason to feel good.

I don't remember whether I've shared about the path that this book took me down. The book is called Plan B. Anyway, it made a really valid point that if you are worshiping the dream and not the one who can provide it, you are in idol worship. Look at WHERE your heart is. Not where you say it is, where it actually is. Is it in things? Is it in people? Is it in ideals? All of those are wrong, if you are seeking an authentic relationship with God he demands to be placed first. Look I'm not saying it's easy, or feels good, or even seems that good for you (at least in the way the health movement would say, given you can feel pretty shitty while you're following him). It hurts, it might make you cry. It might shatter your reality and make you question if he even loved you to begin with. Good, now you're really engaging in him.

My current perspective is that if you have to fight to make it work with him, maybe you're finally getting it. It's no SUPPOSED to be easy. Look at David, or Joseph, or even Moses. Did they have it easy? And God showed up for them in a powerful way. When we think we know what is best for us we make ourselves the God in our life. It's a set up for failure. Now I'm not saying I know how it will fail, I just know that there is only one being who really knows what you need completely, and that's him. If anyone else tries, no matter how good their intentions, they'll mess it up.

I had an absolutely great set up. I married a woman I loved and was willing to work to make that work out. I was convinced I had given it all to God. But I hadn't. Because loving her was an idol in my life. I believed it could fix my hurts, and stop the pain. In the end God destroyed it, and you know what? In my heart I think I probably asked for that. I asked to understand him. He wanted me to understand that he comes first. You dig?

So now here I am. Saying to him that he is God in my life, whatever his will is I must abide in it, because I abide in him. I'm still facing up to huge challenges that I can't solve without him. I still need him, and I still need a miracle. But I know at last that I didn't SCREW UP to get here. I'm here because this is where I need to be to draw close to him. It comes back to the cross, and this is what really helped me understand how much control we have to give up. Even Christ in the end had to release control and free fall through the worst pain imaginable to bring about the miracle that saved us all. Pain is part of the process. It's how God shows us we really need him. It's how he shows us who he is.

When Christ got nailed to the cross it had to look pretty bleak. I mean, even to Christ, even to his followers, there had to be a feeling of "what next God?" Then Christ completely fell back on the love of God and gave everything for us. What I want to talk about is Saturday. Friday he died. We all see plenty of those moments in our real lives, don't we? The dream died. The marriage ended. Your loved one gave in and passed away. The friendship ended. You experience setback in your career. God NEVER says he will stop these things from happening.

Now could he? Oh sure he could. The comfort path looks easier, but it is deceptive. What would you learn without the pain? Where would your pride be? Where would your love come from? Saturday is when we need God the most. Saturday, at least I believe, is when faith is built. Look I'm writing this as much for anyone that reads it as for me. I'm processing right now because these are some heavy concepts. We need to worship him, or at least be still and wait for him in the worst moment, in the Saturday of our lives.

Personally I believe that is where I am at present. All my pride has been stripped down, all my hope has been crushed into the dirt. It sure looked like it was over there, for awhile at least. That's part of the test. He loves us so much he lets these tests happen, and he knows or hopes anyway we will still be there on Sunday. Because no matter how dark Saturday is, the morning is coming. God WILL show up in the situation and he does answer prayers. Will it be like you hoped? Probably not. But I think we'll be grateful it wasn't.

God could have saved my marriage. He so absolutely could have. I went through so much doubt because of what happened. You know, I still love her, and I still miss her. But you know what I don't miss? Not knowing who God really is. I was so stupid. I was so hardheaded. I was so weak. God took it all away. HE alone could put me through a cleansing fire and burn away all my selfish pigheaded ways. It took a path that I don't know if anyone should take, but I took it. Because staying alive was the only option I had. I'll say this: I'd rather have lost everything of value to me and learned my true value to God, I'd rather he take the worst thing that has ever happened to me and turn it into a foundation of proof that he loves me, I'd rather lose the world and gain God.

He hasn't shown me my Sunday yet. I don't know where this upswing of faith came from. I don't know how I take another step. But I do. I am so sure I'm following him right now. Because it is hard. The evil one musters his forces, trying to take me down, trying to stop God's amazing power he has put in me, and I survive. Even now he tries to whittle away my hope by trying to keep me from posting this.

Last night I faced a huge challenge. Every day I work I face challenges. But I go on. Even though I cannot STAND it at times, I do what I must do.

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FYI, I love me some Devo. I enjoy worshiping using pop songs, I don't know why I am this way, but I still find God in the most unlikely places. There is a line in this version and I have heard the original version, it isn't in there, so I assume God is finding me new words to say the way I feel. "I must do what I must do, and when I do I feel better." I'm a creature of duty, and doing my duty makes me feel so much better.

I guess the real question I have left is one only he can answer. The question being, will I ever find my nirvana, my shangri-la, my enlightened peace. That I cannot be sure of. I wonder sometimes if such things can only be real in your heart. When I married Lindsay for a brief time I believed in an on earth Shangri La. Just me and her and our love. God above to shine his love upon us and take care of our needs. Then that reality came ripping apart. My heart broke, because my idealistic expectations that joy would endure forever were dashed.

Then for a time I had no responsibility, I got high, had sex, and slept quite a bit. I thought "maybe this is paradise, so many say it is". It was beautiful, in it's way. Someone once said that narcotic drugs are artificial shortcuts to the feelings that enlightenment brings. I would agree. But that time passed as well.

Now here I sit. I know there are no sure things, well apart from God's love. The thing about it is we can't really say for sure how he will show us his love, can we? So while I can tell you that he will bring you peace and joy, I can't say for sure that the storm will stop forever. I'm trying to find a place where it stops, but where I can still love him and be close to him.

The thing about it is, it's not my decision. It's his. The good book says plenty about the abundance of heaven. Many of us have chased it, in vain I'm afraid. It's a good thing, in it's way, because it makes us look to God for our ultimate completion. The thing about it is that it says only after we seek God first will all things be added to us. Sounds easy. It isn't though. Because he knows when we're faking it for the reward. He knows when we are trying to take the short route. Saying "OK God, I love you, I gave you my heart, now take care of me" he says back "If you really gave me your heart you'd know I'm already doing that."

you might, as I have say then "But what about this dream you gave me, if I love you and give you everything, why haven't you given me my dream?" He might then reply "Did you give the dream to me?" Lay down everything before him. Every earthly desire, and watch what he does. If the dream is of him he'll do it, it's his plan to begin with, but he needs your trust more than he needs you to see his glory. Sometimes we have to let go to completely trust in him. Sometimes we need to realize that even though he gave us something great, we can't worship the gift, we worship the giver. Even now in my heart I wish there were some magic words or some button I could press and make the dream he gave me happen, it entices me so. But I still see that he is God. Even if he never gives me my dreams, he still loves me. I need him more than I can ever know.

I want to look at Abraham for a minute. When I was a child my father, who was an ORU grad and sunday school teacher illustrated in graphic terms what it felt like for abraham to deal with what God asked him to do. First of all, Abraham had a dream, and that was to have a son. God gave him SUCH promises, he said that his offspring would outnumber the stars. Abraham had to wait. He didn't do it well, but God STILL delivered Isaac to Abraham. The scripture says that he loved Isaac very much. My father loves me very much, my parents tried for five years to have me, and I know how hard that must have been. Then God asked Abraham to go up to a mountain and sacrifice Isaac as a burnt offering.

Just imagine, your whole world is summed up by the realization of your dream, what is more your dream is a person, and God is saying that he wants you to give the dream back to him. I can so relate. So Abraham takes Isaac up to the mountain to give him back to God. I don't even thing what comes next matters. What matters is that God did this. He wanted to see if Abraham loved God or his gifts more. Abraham showed who he really is when he was tested like this. He went up to the mountain. God said right before the moment of truth to stop. He provided a ram to sacrifice instead. Because it was his plan for Isaac to live. But he wants us to follow him when it doesn't make sense. He wants us to follow him at the expense of all else. Sometimes it takes a painful test to prove it.

God is faithful, and he is good. He will provide you what he promises. He will give you what you need the most. Sometimes it may not seem like it. It may be more than you can handle, actually I know it will, because he wants you to let him handle it. If it wasn't needed he wouldn't do it. I hope this helps.

Forget people

Lord, if you intend me to have support you bring the people, because I'm done opening up to anyone. I just got backhand slapped by an ex friend. No one FUCKING wants to help. I'm so sick of this place. I'm sick of alot. But I know this is all to build strength. This is all to show me how to rely on you. Honestly I don't care if anyone ever looks at me again. *SIGH*

Why do I bother?

grim fate, the illusion of control and the march forward

I may have glazed over some things in my earlier post. Those things mostly have to do with suicide. So let's start with the facts on my view of suicide.
1. If you tell people you must convey it as an unfortunate consequence, not as "oh I'm so emotional I'm going to act out." If you are suicidal past 18 act like an adult about it.
2. If the act must be committed in any sort of moral way it should be done with calm planning, weighing of options and consideration. Poor planning produces poor results.
3. If you pretend any form of relationship with God you have to give the decision to him in some way. We must do all things as unto him.

number 3 is what got me. It was a moral loophole I had written into the law to allow me to commit moral suicide. I figured if God was on the side of the decision I would not only be fairly sure not to fail, but the afterlife picture would be a bit better at any rate, perhaps purgatory over hell, that sort of thing.

So I prayed a simple prayer "God if it is your will that I die then let this happen. If you want something else then stop it."

So he stopped it.

I don't need to or want to go into why I wanted to die, or why I still think it's a rational reaction to the facts that God is not entitled to save me, nor may he be inclined to otherwise, by some sort of preconceptions of mercy or grace being motivators to him. If he has motivation it is his own.

So I guess we'll call that a praise report. It's a God report at any rate, because it IS something he did, better or worse.
I will take a moment to brag on my faith, when he did say no (and mind you I gave him some lead time to do that), I didn't stubbornly select the next option for death. One method removed was enough. I got the message, which is not now.

/RANT
Does anyone ever notice those are his favorite words? Always not now. I would like a family, his answer? Not now. Get me out of this cursed place I beg you Lord. Not now. Make this cursed place more comfortable. Not now. UHHGUH!
/RANT

So this leads into another God report. We'll call it that anyway. I told him not to encourage my dreams of wide open spaces or of Denver unless it was real, and the dreams persist. Take that, as you will.
This morning I smelled burning wood like a woodchipper, I thought about how to deal with plant waste on the property. Compost and all that, and how not to let it look trashy. I didn't ASK to think that. I didn't TRY to think about that. It just came to me. The way moments like that have come to me often in the previous months. Could mean something.

I'm getting more help anyway. The folks have revived wanting to help me, now above board and with no guilt attached. Not that I feel much guilt for them helping when they said they would. *sigh*

I find great irony in that God has told me of such humble position things like that I'll change the whole country. Well, if so, more material for my memoirs. 

we are not afraid, although we know there's much to fear

I told God last night I'd write some about the transformation he's been working on with me, but I passed out because I drugged myself to do that.

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Nothing is certain, aside from God's love. Finally I just reached the point where I said "what you want God, not what I want". Yes, I've been saying this for YEARS but not with the force I have behind it right now. There's so much lip service in christian life. You can say ALL the right things, OVER AND OVER, but until you mean them you might as well be saying gibberish.

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Yes, christianity, where speaking real gibberish totally works (would link to speaking in tongues vid for comedy moment, but let's keep focus) but saying the right things with the wrong heart doesn't. I've been saying he is first but he had to completely take me apart for me to see I wasn't. You know the whole thing, pray for wisdom and he'll answer that? Well he finally did about why the marriage fell apart. I knew the whole time that nothing I did was behind it. I could TELL it was supernatural, because how can you rip apart two stubborn people who have set in their heart to care for each other? God can. He can harden one's hearts, play their weaknesses and humble the mighty. He can withhold his blessing and he can lay down his wrath on those that put anything before him.

So he finally shows that I loved her more than I loved him. I thought that SOMEHOW a human could be my all when I now know that he's the only one that can.

For years I've had an idol that loving or being loved by a woman could be enough. It never has been, which has been fuel for my vices. Pop culture, pop music, even literature wants you to believe that find the right person and everything is fine. It doesn't work that way. Be the right person. You have to GROW UP and be the man (or woman) you need to be. Be your needs. You need compassion? Learn to ask God and rely on only what he can give you. The time will come that's all that's left. He'll let you lean on someone until you are ready to ask for strength, then he'll rip out EVERY crutch. Leave only one, lean on the lord. God is a jealous God and he doesn't like competition.

So now I realize that it doesn't really matter. None of it. Nothing matters but that I obey him. He asks the impossible, then somehow I give it. He asks me to lay aside my pride and humble myself. Nothing more humbling than realizing that I may very well die alone having none of my dreams, and that's OK, if God has been with me I'll have his joy. Honestly, I've been laid low and lifted up, and either way he's been right there saying "you know who is the author of your pain and your joy?" he is, he is. Pain has it's purpose, and when no one can hurt you because your heart has taken so much it is blessing. When no one else can make you feel joy because God has all the answers you need, I'll call that blessing too.

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Now you're really giving everything, now you're really getting all you gave, now you're really living what this lifestyle's all about.
First time I heard this song I cried sweet juicy tears. Loving someone that you're never gonna get to touch, man doesn't that sum up my life? Dreams, dreams, make the vain man I am so real.

Not going to post the link to the song, but You're so Vain by Carly Simon. The lyric says "I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee." That says so much about what vanity is. It's realizing self comes before many things. Dreams of others, dreams you have, they all seem pretty stupid compared to keeping you happy. Same goes for following God. Every little thing looks so small when you put it next to him. So today my prayer is so simple.

God help me follow your will today. Help me accept it, regardless of whether it be blessings or humbling at your hands I shall call it good. Amen.

child love versus the love of a romantic partner

so I was reading an article, several articles, on the idea that mothers love their kids more than their husbands.

it was all triggered by a moment in Dragon Ball Z Kai where Chi Chi shows up after this HUGE battle that her husband and son are in, and her son is alright but passed out, and her husband is going to die without medical attention. She picks up her son and goes on and on about how she'll never let him get hurt again. It's funny because it's a parody but if you have a brain it makes you think "is this right? should mothers give their child preferential treatment?"

Being a man my knee jerk reaction is to say no. But I decided to do some reading because knee jerk reactions can be wrong.
 Here is what I found:

http://www.mommyish.com/2012/02/08/love-sex-week-i-love-my-kids-more-than-i-love-my-husband-718//

So there are some valid points, but what it all boils down to is evolution (I can hear your virtual sighing of me getting on this bandwagon AGAIN). Human have evolved for thousands of years to believe newer is better. After all, how can we advance the species if our human adults don't go CRAZY trying to protect proto humans (mini humans? the ball is still in the air for a proper term for this). So mothers saying they would pretty much let their husbands die before seeing their child hurt makes sense, from an evolutionary standpoint at any rate. In a minute when I defend my views I'll show the other side of the coin.

Let's talk about cultural standards. There is a mommy culture, at least in america, that says that a mother should do anything and everything for their children. We also have a highly sexist society. The social hierarchy says that men are at the top as far as most independent, most power, but as we go down the ladder women receive more care and support, and of course children at the bottom of the ladder get the highest level of support due to being perceived in our culture as needing constant bucking up and supporting. I will now reveal something that will blow your mind, considering that I said I don't support mothers giving preferential treatment to their children. I give preferential treatment to my children over my family and romantic partner. But my reasoning has to do with need. I work in mental health and my kids are my mission field, my way I serve God. God comes above all in my life and so doing what he has called me to do overrides EVERYTHING else in my life, including my romantic relationship at the present time. This is not as it should be, but never mind, it is as it is.
Back to nail in the point, men are expected to completely take care of themselves and therefor a mother may not realize her husband needs supporting. And there you are.

Now, to the counterpoint. I was raised with debate techniques in my head so I can see both sides of every issue. Point one; If your children are still young enough that they cannot care for themselves they are also still in the phase of life that nature has decided they are more vulnerable towards death. You can accept this or not, it's still true. If your man is a good man, he's your best hope for making more children. Yes making children is hard, but it's how we carry on the species. If you neglect to take care of your man he will not make children with you and therefor your priority system may just slap you in the face.
Point two: parenting is hard, single parenting is harder still. If you neglect or even are hard on your man because you already got his baby juice and now he's just a breadwinner to you, don't think for a moment your marriage will last. Men like being treated as objects about the same as women do, and so if you put your kids above having a healthy marriage, you'll keep what you value.

This is all not to say to neglect your children, it is to remember that your time with your children as your playthings is very short. You will have to let go after 20 or so years. God willing your marriage will last the rest of your life. Just because you are biologically indebted to your children does not mean you have to love them more. It's not biblical for one. Two it's not wise for family dynamics. Three, and this is one to grow on, I will be questioning any woman who wants to marry me on this issue, and trust in this, if they do not plan on loving me more than the kids I will seek other companionship.

And that's one to grow on.


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the end is nigh, if we are lucky that is

did I say dark? I meant black formless abyss, a sort of faith vacuum. I imagine myself in a spacesuit with a broken helmet, having my faith constantly sucked out while God keeps pumping more in. In this hellish struggle between the enemy and God I am the one put through the painful feeling of knowing God is there, and also knowing that it's not getting any better, bit by bit, moment by moment, I cannot shake the feeling that when the dust settles I won't know how to pick up the pieces again. This is new, this is different, in that before I had a delusional viewpoint that it would get better simply on the back of two facts: that I am intelligent and that God is good. Obviously I missed something.

I've made arrangements for the end to come the way I want it to. Not one person in my life is interested in reading the obvious warning signs I have put out. God is.... well he just is. I pray constantly if this is not the right path then he should let me know, or stop it. No such information has come my way. Yes I am aware that HUMANS have issues with the end. Remember in the gospel Jesus told his disciples he would die soon. His disciples said something like "surely not." Humans have issues with letting go. That does not mean it is not the right time to let go. I have fought a very valiant battle against poverty, against depression, and against the forces the world has brought to bare on me. But my allies grow weak, and I know my own limits. I cannot fight an unending war with no reinforcements. The time must come when I run out of hope, I run out of a belief that better days are ahead, and I accept that death is certainly better.

I don't expect anyone to understand when that time comes, I'm just hoping that perhaps they will read what I wrote and understand what a long and meandering path to the end this has been. There will be no passion in my final moments assuming it comes to that. It will be a coldly logical last few moments, look around and lay my head down. Just as I do now to sleep. Only that time I'll be lucky and not wake up.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
I cannot change the minds of others, I cannot change you, I can only give you my all and hope you find use for it. I have given you all I have and soon I will be empty. If you have no more use for your servant let him come home to you.
God grant me the courage to change the things I can.
I feel very powerless right now, but I know through prayer there is a chance that things may change for the better. There are things I can do. I can take care of certain things, if given the resources. Right now there are only two paths I can see resources for, neither ideal to my desire to follow you. However not my will but your will be done. If you know something better reveal it.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
God show me the difference between what I can't fix, and what I can. Help me understand where you want to help and where you are less interested in doing that. Help me choose the right path with your guiding.
Amen

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not wanting to write, but have to get this out

Right, as the title says, I'd rather not be writing right now. I'd rather be at the gym.
Yesterday God hit me with a surge of joy like you wouldn't believe, so last night I was singing new songs for him and praising him, in hopes that his deliverance would be at hand soon.

That is the set up. I was up til 3 because I didn't get home until midnight.

I had this dream, in it I was at a meeting at work, and I'm looking around for people I know and there is Laurel. Laurel, for those who don't know, is the one that got away. She just got married to the guy of her dreams and in an odd way I'm happy for them. Anyway, she's just sitting there, looking at me. I tell her how awesome it is that she's so happy and married, and she's just looking at me as if that is completely not what she would expect (or perhaps even want) me to say.

I mean, what did dream Laurel want? Did she want me to say I'll pine for you forever when she's so clearly moved on? Not the way I operate. I still miss people, but I don't imagine they'll return.

Perhaps my brain thinks it still wants her, it knows what she means to me and wants to preserve the concepts. It was a phase in my life where I thought a woman could make me happy. I was idolizing them, thinking that a relationship would straighten out the kinks in my life. It hasn't yet, why? because in the dating world the only one expected to do the saving is the man. Men can't be saved except by other men.

I was thinking on that too, that women are allowed an entirely different world view on the necessity of strength. Everyone can agree that strength is needed in your life. Someone has to make hard choices regardless of who it might hurt. Our society chooses men. Men are created as sort of ultra fix it people. We are expected to not just fix ourselves, but others as well. It creates a dominant spirit in a man. The submissive love this and ENCOURAGE a man to dominate them. They desire control and stability and the dominant man can provide this.

I did not start life as a dominant man, I was much more passive in my youth. My ex wife lit a fire in me to be the man of the situations I'm in. If I don't have the power to fix it myself, I call on a higher power. Sometimes I still feel the reluctant dominant man, but let's face it that it's where I feel comfortable and I'm good at it.

Anyway, back to analysis. The work environment is the big confusing piece. I think I'm trying to set things up in places I know, she wouldn't be at my house as that wouldn't be proper. She wouldn't be at my church because I could (and would) avoid her because church for me is always an expedition into the wild country of christianity the religion. So work, where I do feel very at home and at peace, where I do my best creative thinking and where it shows that I am a strong intelligent man, is a good place for ANYONE to see me.

I think it's still a shock that I'm accepting this her getting married thing, but the fact is I lost her a long time ago, and at the time I accepted it. I may have lost grip on that acceptance for a bit, but the groundwork had already been laid in my mind. You can't change the past, you can't go back in time. We are time travelers, ever falling forward through time. We have to accept that.

How Do I feel?

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looking back I can see now that God has been watching me and guiding me this whole time, in his way. It's... it's something. Look, I love God, but I'm a caustic frustrated stubborn man with issues with power and this situation is bringing out the worst of that. This week he decided to put me in the worst situation just to test what I would do. I took care of it, brilliantly in fact, thanks to his guidance and glory. So that's GREAT right? I'm a multi talented guy doing a job I'm good at, own my own home, have a pretty good dog, sweet girl, what's the problem?
All of it.
Every last bit of it fails to satisfy me. Including, and this is a really bitter truth, God.
I can eat and eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and then, surprise eat and am never full.
I can dream and touch and carouse and none of it does a DAMN thing for me.
I can have anything I want, all I want is to die or be led out of this dry land.

I wonder sometimes if I am lacking. I'm STILL challenged by giving up my vices, even for a time. I wonder if that's it. I'm sitting here trying to take it apart like some sort of machine. I'm trying to troubleshoot God, which, well I don't know if you can do. I think you can troubleshoot anything. You test, you analyze, you fix. Relationships, much the same though the testing is more delicate. I personally don't think he is delicate, that and he's all knowing so if you try to hide that you are testing, analyzing and trying to fix your relationship with him he's going to figure it out. He's not stupid.

Look, something is wrong when I am in enough pain that death is a GOOD option. Death is always an option, it should never be a good one. EVER. Life should be abundant and satisfying enough that death seems like a silly thing when compared to the vast hope of the future. Humans are built to be considered healthy when death is something they can actually fear. When you live in a situation of deep dissatisfaction with the very fabric of the universe, this creates an unhealthy imbalance. I don't WANT to want to die, but I do want death if there is no other troubleshooting step for fixing this. I'm preparing to put myself in a prison of no sexual fufillment because it is needed to be successful in troubleshooting. I don't know if using pornography for my sexual gratification interferes with my connection with God. I don't think God would create our biology as such that we enjoy looking at women, and at the same time require that we not. I've always been mature enough not to act on it. And yet, and yet, christ says if you have looked on a woman in lust you have commited a sin with your eyes.
I dispair, for I have begged for comfort and found none, I searched for help and came up empty. As Job said, surely it would be better had I not been born
*sigh*, no one cares. I don't want to do this anymore. He'll give me strength to continue. Fine. He's the coward, he fears that if he lets me die here I would cease to suffer and be tested, and by my testing more are brought to him. It's a simple equation, my pain equals others salvation. Why else would all who hurt me prosper so? I suspect that I was cursed (or blessed) saying "he who brings about to tear down Max will be given a double portion. Blessed is she that scorns him, she will have her wishes come true"
I guess as long as I'm helping people........ Follow God at your own risk people, this is the madness that results. Surely it is madness to follow one who rejoices in my pain so.

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I wanted to share a video of a song that sums him up SO well. It's called nobody. By trout fishing in america

Here are the lyrics, since youtube doesn't have it.

Chorus:
I've got a friend that lives with me,
My friend's name is Nobody.
Nobody plays with me, Nobody loves me.
I've got a friend that you can't see,
My friend's name is Nobody.
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.

One day while playing baseball outside
He broke the window then ran off to hide.
My mom came out and she asked me,
"Who did this?"
I said, "Nobody."
Nobody believed me, mom said I lied.

Chorus


We talk under the covers late at night,
After I have gone to bed,
turned out the light.
My dad came in and he asked me,
"Who ya talkin' to?"
I said, "Nobody."
Nobody listens, dad says be quiet.

Nobody sure gets me in trouble.
For Nobody I take a lot of blame.
But if Nobody's gonna be my friend,
I sure wish he'd get another name.

Chorus

Nobody listens, Nobody cares.
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.

dark day

I want it to be known that this is the darkest day my faith has faced. I hope this is the darkest it gets, maybe someday I'll look back and say "yes, that was the point right before the turn around"
I've been reading about David, his psalms about when he was running from Saul, and his story in Samuel.

ANYWAY. Today I have been attacked for my faith and for being someone that really cares about people getting better. For doing God's work today I was attacked. I just want to contrast this.
Today the woman I realize I still hurt over got married in a beautiful ceremony in the church I always dreamed of getting married in, to a man she is deeply in love with.
On one hand, for odd reasons, loving her on some level, I'm happy for her. I'm happy she found love. Sorry I couldn't give it to her, but she looks very complete. I've certainly never been that. And she DOES deserve it, so I assume so does he. She's had a great faith walk for the last decade and this is the fruit of that. I hope someday God loves me enough to give me such love.
The thing that makes me upset is the contrast. She, and many others that I love, are expecting HUGE blessings, children, marriages, new homes and happiness in other forms. I have joy knowing that I don't have to worry about them. On the other hand it upsets me how I am fighting to stay alive. It upsets me how hard it is for me to keep my job even when (today demonstrates especially when) I do my best. Those over me are apathetic at best. At worst, well today I observed that it seems likely they are under the influence of evil spirits. I don't believe that a human being can be as cruel and heartless as some people in my company are. Not naming names. It takes all I have to control my anger over what they do on a daily basis.
Honestly, I don't know how to take anymore.
As Psalm 69 says: My voice is rough from calling for help, and I don't see God on the horizon.

It doesn't say God isn't there, he is. He's everywhere. At this point however, I'd do anything for freedom from this oppression. I'd rather die than take one more step. But I don't get a choice, because for various reasons my death isn't in my hands. Yet anyway. A father of a patient suggested I go shoot stuff down by the lake, and I had to say it's not advisable for me to handle firearms, there are FAR too many problems I would be tempted to solve with a gun. I hope I wouldn't, but I don't trust myself.

If it's darkest before the dawn then the dawn must be coming soon.
If this is a sign of things to come however, I wouldn't make any long term plans about having me around.

hurting doesn't always die

First I guess I'll say it appears I am a success at work. I don't want anyone forgetting that.

Sometimes, for some reason I just sit back and am sad. Today there are a number of reasons. One, I'm still here. A number of problems with that. It means God still hasn't provided a way out. It means my heart is still beating and I'm not dead. I asked God to kill me rather than live this life, but he hasn't done anything on that score yet either.

Laurel is getting married. It's not the first failure I ever experienced in the romantic world, not by a long shot, but it's the first time I really gave my all, really TRIED, and fell flat on my face. If she hadn't rejected me I wouldn't have married Lindsay, I know that.

I loved her right after high school, turns out she never loved me. Which the point has been made isn't really love. I don't care, it still hurt. It still hurts that she found someone better. I guess what really bugs me is that I haven't found someone better. Seven years and I still have no idea where I'm going or what God has planned. I'm sad. But God loves me anyway and I'll take it down as an offering to him.

Here's today's music:

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That usually makes me cry. Goodbye dreams of a future with Laurel. Goodbye.

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So I'm going to lay this down as an offering to the Lord. I know one way or another he'll let me free someday. Either he'll free me on this earth or he'll let me die and come home to heaven. Honestly I don't care which, I just hope it's soon.

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Inner peace

Inner peace is knowing that every day is another step forward.
Inner peace is taking the challenges in your life and growing from them.
Inner peace is seeing pain and trying to bring love to it.
Inner peace is not about pushing to get your way.
Inner peace is not about judging others because of your own ego.
Inner peace is snatching victory from the jaws of defeat time and again. There is no defeat, not when our trust is in something higher. When the worst they can do to you will still make you win, when you can see all things working out for your good in spite of (or even because of) your troubles, you've taken your first step into a larger world.

I praise God this night. I praise him in the face of everything going as much not my way as possible. I lift up my life and faith as a living sacrifice knowing he will return it a hundred fold. His love endures forever. Though many would try to stir up trouble, their trouble cannot take me down. Because there is no down. Down is an illusion that people have who don't know God. Lose your job, lose your wife, lose your house, what do you have? Fewer distractions. When all else in the world falls away God will still be your anchor and your solid ground.

Tonight I lift up my friends, I know this time is hard for them. I lift up those I'm trying to minister to. Finally, I humbly lift up my own situation. This remains hard for me. Without him it wouldn't get easier, but he can deliver, he can overcome, and he will. He says to stay rooted in faith and lay claim to his promises. That I am doing. I keep looking around at the darkness, knowing that darkness comes before the dawn. Sometimes the Lord has to extinguish the worldly light so he can ignite a heavenly one, if that makes sense.

I made a vow, and I'm recording it here because I want it set in writing, that when he puts me in a place of high resources or money I will not put on status as if I should boast of material wealth. Material wealth is the tool, salvation for the masses is the goal, well, part of it. But I vow that I will not try to impress people with my wealth. If they are impressed I will tell them of God's power and will, I'm not the author of any of the wealth. It's all about him, not me.

a little song mix to go with previous post

I thought a little music would help add to what I already said:

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I think it should be obvious why I picked this one. I know now that I wouldn't have anything if the Lord didn't love me so well. If you know me you should know I don't subscribe to the illusion that a person should lessen himself by telling himself he is nothing. You are all you will ever have, and what is in your head is the path you walk. However, God is the one that can lay out a path. He sets aside things for us.

I wanted to share this verse, Philippians 4:11-13

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

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I just love me some country done ironically by an alternative rock legend. The message is good.

I think I'm developing a theme here.

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Dark star..... this song paints a picture of how it really feels to be alone. Sometimes it might seem like we're on a spaceship, watching the rest of the world float by, which brings us to our next tune:

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Red Dwarf taught me many things. It's a stupid Brit comedy show from the nineties, but it approaches space in an entirely different way than it had been before, apart from in Dark Star. What if you were stuck in deep space, no women, no society, with little hope of ever seeing real people again. All you have is a few guys that become your friends. Well in the series they have a ton of laughs and really make you want to hang out with these guys, even Rimmer.

The key is to not take things too seriously.

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This is a good series if you haven't seen it, some good laughs. Really you need to be high to totally enjoy it, but sometimes it surprises you. I also suggest Rifftrax to people who enjoy such things. One of my long time suspicions is that my bosses who don't like me would shoot me into space.......... but no such luck yet.

looking back....... I can see where I was in his hand all along. I found some pictures of me at 22...... I looked in a bad way, but sexy after my way. I know that was a dark place in my life, but I lived through it. I'm still here, for better or for worse.

where next? The unknown wastes of the waiting place

I see now that like a seemingly endless ocean the waiting seems to have no end.
The key word is seems. For years or months or days you can travel the waters and it looks like the sea which tosses you about has nothing but more of the same. But every voyage must come to an end, and everything eventually washes up on dry land. To the Jews at the time of Christ the sea was symbolic of something that is uncontrollable and seems in defiance of God. So Jesus calming the waters was as much a symbolic message as a literal one. As was the walking on water miracle. The message here is that it does LOOK like it's going to rip you apart. However, God is in control. If we ask, he will help us ride out the storm. He will calm the waters, or better still help us walk out on them. Nothing, absolutely nothing is too big for him. It's all insignificant compared to what he's already done. He's raised the dead, freed slaves, delivered battle after battle to people that should lose because of inferior numbers. He cured the sick, made lame beggars walk and the blind see. Every time someone tries to put him down he gets stronger. Even being put in the ground didn't phase him, it all worked out for his plan to save the lost. He sacrificed it all, and he is the most loving one you'll ever meet.

At the moment, look, I'll be honest, it can seem pretty bleak around here. I see bugs everywhere, I'm fighting a cold, and my finances aren't much better. I've been waiting three years and I'd wait thirty more because I know he's got something better in store for me. See, you can't crush me because he that is in me is stronger than he that is in the world. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. You can't beat me, because I've been so far down I couldn't see up, and I've been so lost I didn't think I'd ever be found. I've seen and heard things that make grown men shake in fear, and I've taken it more calmly than anyone could. I've survived more and come out stronger and smarter. God's been by my side since the very beginning, he answers my prayers, and he'll answer this one too. When you see him show up he'll show you what God can do.

What no one gets is how literal the fact is that he is my source. He created everything, no matter how you slice it. He invented resources, do you think anyone who loves him and asks will really lack? He invented water, who can thirst who knows God? He put minerals in the earth, the animals in the field, men wouldn't have anything if he hadn't made it first. He is the source and he knows where it will all go. No man who walks with the Lord is lost. No, and though his timing is difficult to understand, it's for the best, he counts the cost before he make the investment. He makes sure you are READY for the blessing before he gives it to you. And oh, when he gives it to you, when God pours out his love on you, your heart overflows. Simple words can explain it. When God shows up nothing on earth can contain it. His abundance is the greatest spring there's ever been. He humbles great nations and makes mountains of men. He said if you believe in your heart that he will answer your prayer, in his abundance, you'll move mountains. He wants to establish you and set your walls with precious stones. He calls us beautiful in his sight. Beautiful, how wonderful it is to be called beautiful by one who sets the standard of beauty. How great to be loved so much that you can't ever understand it or measure up. You don't have to! He loves you just the same. You can get lost, doubt him, think that it's all over, he's just waiting. Waiting for you to come for his comfort. He knows that even the worst hurts of your life aren't too big, not when he covers you with his grace. Even those that cause fear shall fear he who loves you.

I have met monsters and one thing I know, they fear God. Ohhh they do. They try to tear apart good men, because they fear God will use good men to drive them from the earth. He will too, they are quite right. A good man is God's weapon, God's foot soldier. He can call on the power of God and change things. God relies on good men to show the world who he is. We can't let him down on this. Oh how I long for a generation of men so filled with a sense of duty that they would be good if only as a reflection on their creator. If evil things have set themselves against you, you must be something amazing. The evil one does not waste his time attacking people doing what he wants them to do. He doesn't attack those who aren't effective, he saves his worst weapons for those he really is scared will change the world. His weapons may be subtle. He may attack you by letting you settle for less than the best God has for your life. By convincing you that you have gone as far as you will ever go. But God has more, and if you miss it you'll miss the best thing in your life. I thank God so completely for letting this life rip away everything that is less than the best. Take my wife, take sex, take drugs, take anything that tries to get between me and him. Because when we're on the same subject going the same direction..... what could be better? His love endures forever. Try him. Don't try to get him to perform like a circus monkey, try loving him. If you can't love ask him for his love, he'll give it to your freely. He'll even show you where you missed that he was loving you all this time. He was waiting for you. He's waiting for you now.

 He might keep you waiting, but he knows as well as you will by the time he's done that good things happen while you're waiting. You don't want new wine, the best wine has been developing for years. Even now they are making fresh wine that will be bottled up and stored away, some for a year, some for five, some even for ten or more. Then one day a rich man will go out to eat. The waiter will offer him a vintage wine, vintage 2013. He might ask the waiter "Oh, 2013? Is that a good year?" And I can tell you, it is a very good year. It is the year the Lord has opened my eyes wider than they have ever been opened. I know that soon enough, as soon as he is ready he will uncork the fine wine of life and experiences I've been waiting my whole life to see and do. 

FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT

Right, I just actually looked and somehow my earlier post "How did it come to this" had some broken vids, which RUINED the joke. SO I fixed it. Why am I telling you? SO YOU GO BACK AND LOOK! Yes, you are missing out. Also, while I've got you here, let me share some of what is on my mind today on the lighter side. 

So, BOXXY!

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What is the deal with this chick? I'm not mega into stuff like this, but my best friend Nikki showed me and I thought "If I was a chick I might do this, provided I was hot" Would I be a hot chick? I hope so. I'd be CRAZY tall though with super long legs, and they would go all the way up if you know what I mean. I don't know what I mean. Sexy legs, that's what I mean.
I dated a chick like this once. She was cray cray. She thought she was pregnant when we had not been together. I mean, I think I'm a stud and all, but I don't think I can get a woman pregnant by looking at her, if I could.......... that would be some sort of super power. Also, I'd have kids, which I DON'T hahaha, no kids. Happy not a fathers day. See, in my mind not a fathers day is every day you wake up without a kid screaming in your ear to buy him ice cream and play Lego with him. Sad part is that sounds amazing, I'd love to have a kid to play lego with. Le-sigh.

I didn't plan to add this one, but it just said WAOH LOOK AT ME I'M A SQUISHY!!

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Yeah, the music is GOOD! I'm nuts about music. Did I tell you that my kids tell me I'm a good rapper? One of these days I'll write a rap for you and share a video of me RAPPING!! (internal debate where I think about rapping for the camera....... let me finish giving you some AWESOME, then I'll try and make my own AWESOME and share THAT!)

So, THIS:

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I want to be the mad hatter when I grow up. Did I say I took dance lessons when I was a kid. "Why did you do that max?" Because I wanted to be a pirate/cowboy when I grew up you silly person, isn't it obvious?

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At this point I'd like to share that "Yes forward on the foe, yes forward on the foe! Yes but you don't go!" is pretty oft sung in the Malcolm home, especially on workday mornings when I'm trying to get myself to the gym.

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Trust me you can thank me later when I legalize everything!
It's unclear what the idea was behind creating this video. I think it has to do with Vermin Supreme and being a political TROLL. Did somebody say the magic word? YES!
BAM!!

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so, this next video answered the important question in my life "why do I keep attracting women like I do?" Because this is what I think I sound like...... in female form. I'm definitely this into myself. I'm this nerdy, and I'm pretty sure I'm this annoying.

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actually that is currently why I'm not posting the rap, if someone actually asks I have recorded a few cuts of me rapping Loser by Beck. Wow, this reminds me of my ex wife.... when she was awesome..... at any rate I'm sure I've dated someone JUST LIKE THAT.
....... and then...... Max figured it out that BOXXY IS CATIE
*mindbomb*
I totally have a crush on Catie..... but Boxxy is a little frightening. I feel like I learned something valuable here...... about people being more than they appear....... giving kids a break and that they will grow out of shit............ I mean I date younger women, it's something I do habitually and I have no idea why. So maybe younger women are still growing up and will eventually become super cool late 20s people that are more fun to hang with. JUST sayin.......

man I did not want to get that deep.... I'm sort of waiting to go hang out with this girl......... I don't want to get into it but since this is my blog and it chronicles my life I'll say we've been dating for three weeks, she seems kind of sweet, Jasmine my hound love baby likes her. It's another case of "was attracted to her mentally, then saw a picture and was like "well...." then met her anyway because I'm trying not to be shallow. I'm really trying.

SHE OFFERED ME DINNER!!! So today I worked out super hard and I NEED FOOD GRRAWR!
I'm going to leave you with an AWESOME song clip. Yesterday they told you would not go far, that night you open and THERE YOU ARE!!
http://www.ishtarthemovie.com/downloads/RogersAndClarke-There'sNoBusinessLikeShowBusiness.mp3

Just a why

So, it occurs to me that I have a very convoluted opinion on sex, as in that my perspective is skewed in a way that is amusing to me. So, given that I broadcast TO DEATH everything that amuses me (you don't get to see all of it, short version of the story: I'm out of my mind), I will now talk about what I think about sex. Note: This changes over time, so this is a snapshot in time of what I think in early July of 2013. So if you know me in real life at ANY other point, you have to realize this evolved and is still evolving. I don't know why I used the word evolve there because evolution involves death and multiple generations, where-as ideas within your own mind adapt and grow.

ANYWAY! Sex is fun, fun fun fun, party party. I think it's a very interesting cross section of our society and how it takes things that should be very serious (like sex, running the country, and relationships) and completely acts like they are simple and childish. It's sort of like if someone took ax murder and made a cartoon show about it with cute squirting blood and everybody laughing and having a good time. Then someone makes a live action version and it becomes the most popular thing of all time. Because we're all sluts for satisfying our inner urges. Well, I am, you people can go on pretending your not. You don't have to let anyone know, I'll keep your secret, I'm your friend.

Now sex actually activates brain chemicals that make you WANT to get attached, which is why unless you're a sociopath FWB (friends with benefits) doesn't work. Because SOMEONE always wants to be in love and wants better for themselves and to climb Maslow's Pyramid (translation for non psychology geeks: a pyramid of basic needs with eating and surviving at the bottom and self actualization at the top.) It's the natural course of things that as you get your basic needs met (eating, sleeping and fucking) you want more complicated things (like being loved for who you are  and eventually self actualization). Now here is where it gets even more interesting, we are STRONGLY molded by our cultural values. In the USA the Christian Monogamous marriage is considered culturally "right". This means if you aren't doing THAT, some part of you wants to do that. More interesting, because we are turned on by being naughty boys and girls, you may be rebelling and doing whatever isn't in that box (butt sex) for the cheap thrill of not doing the right thing.

So, to sum up the first part of my little diatribe american Christianity says get married then have sex, but many don't do that because sex is everywhere and is pretty much considered the cheapest high there is (it isn't really, but you can go on believing it if you like). It's actually plagued with secondary expenses due to the fact that having it the wrong way, or with the wrong people, is actually closer to abuse and brings along some liabilities. Like losing your sex drive suddenly, pregnancy, overactive emotional attachment, STDs, and legal trouble.

Now, where do I stand on whether I personally should have sex and in what manner. The truth of the matter is I'm pretty sold out. On one hand I refuse to have sex simply for the reason I'm lonely (and yes I DO know how to get it for that reason). I insist on better rationalizations for intimate relations. Now there are rationalizations I share with most men, that being if I have prepared an inroad in my mind for me to have sex with you, I will do it, provided you are as excited by the idea. For example I have a number of types of people I am CRAZY attracted to and would go to bed with in a heartbeat if I thought there were no consequences. However I will not cheat. I will not help anyone cheat, because cheating is the adult version of child abuse and I don't know why it's so accepted. Oh and of course I will have sex if I'm in love. There have been some proposals that I not have sex until I get married again, but realistically, I don't know if that's a good idea. I don't know at all.

Right, so I'm talked out. More blatherings later, hope you enjoyed my educational bit on sex!

how did it come to this?

So, I feel really sharp mentally right now due to the fact that I have TONS of kids coming to me asking me to help them work through their problems..... but that's not the point of this post.
I'm also spending time at least twice a day to draw closer to God, making him a priority, and trying to get my prayers heard.... also not the point.... The ever so brief point is: This is how my brain works.

So people have been telling me I'm a hipster, because I have been avoiding conformity for 20 years (how can I be part of a movement if this is who I am?). I mean, I don't care frankly if I am one or not, what people call me doesn't effect who I am. I'm loved by God and I think I'm pretty cool. Actually with the next generation I do fit in, but they may be emulating me due to my being top dude factor.

But the start of my train of thought was this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julia-plevin/whos-a-hipster_b_117383.html
(actually it started on wikipedia which then jumped me to that page)

Then these words caught my eye:
"Are they smart or plain lazy?"

Which led to this:

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"Donald and Daisy
What are they crazy?
Did they forget or are they just lazy"

Yes this brings back memories of my childhood. Then I realize that this is an overtly sexual song, and I'm amused and embarrassed for my childhood.

But wait, there's more.

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and don't even ask how that led to this, it just did.

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The next jump should be more logical, if you know me at any rate.

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I'm gonna keep pushin you, and pushin you, until you stop being a little B----- (kick)

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You gotta be careful Burter, Space Dingo will eat your Space Baby!

Also, is it just me or are the blue guy and the red guy totally having a relationship? I'm just saying, seems obvious to me.

This has been a brief tour of the lighter side of my brain.