We do, doodley do, doodley do, doodely do,
What we must, muddily must, muddily must, muddily must;
Muddily do, muddily do, muddily do, muddily do,
Until we bust, bodily bust, bodily bust, bodily bust.
(Kurt Vonnegut)
I feel as if I have failed to uphold my duty to preserve this record of my ongoing quest for meaning and hope in this post divorce wasteland. So, first, I'm sorry about all that. Second, I'm going to try and keep up with it more.
So where to begin?
Well Sarah and I broke up.... I broke up with Sarah........... Over a month ago she decided she was too busy to see me, so out she went. You might be under the impression I can only be so glib because of my distance from the problem, but no. See, in my heart we broke up when she flat out refused to accept my best friend or compromise. And it looked like Shannon part 2, and no thanks, that was no fun the first time.
Somewhere in the middle of that relationship Nikki decided to tell me she had feelings for me. So I couldn't just end the relationship with sarah and by the time it did end of it's own accord Nikki had moved on. Which comes to the primary point of conflict in my relationship life: Nikki. She loves someone else.... again. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I know........ I cuss because I cannot eloquently express my distaste for the situation I am currently in. It is without a doubt beyond compare with any other disappointment in Nikki that I have had in the past. In the past when she was over the moon for some guy, well that guy was the father of her child and I could not claim a better footing. But this guy just came out of the blue while I was trying to resolve my personal matters. And she prefers him........................................... I'm just getting more angry here.
They aren't together now....
Waiting for the right moment, or to be more accurate wondering if the right moment will ever arrive. I feel like I'm sitting watching my life go by. Of course if I was in a relationship with anyone other than my soul mate the difference is utterly moot except in the bragging rights of having more sex..... That's uncomfortably honest and close to home, but this is processing. Do I think that Nikki is my one unique soul mate? I was going to say no out of hand.... but, yet again being honest with my heart I do not know. She may be. Life is surprising. If she loved me..... loved me..... I would say she was. Of course I love her..... but it is not in my love to ask what she has not offered. Right now I certainly don't see anything better. Granted, that's horrible reasoning for love. To be honest I'm unsure whether I could be happier with anyone else...... and it bothers my competitive little heart not having that which I wish to have. She promised we would have another chance...... now it comes down to my trust of her. And of God......... I don't talk about him much anymore.
A brief reprieve into my career I have gained employment in my field. I work in a mental hospital for children....... For children being the shocking part, we all knew I belonged in a mental hospital. It's actually quite fulfilling. I get to be the father I've always been well suited to be to 15 boys, between 14 and 17, there might be a few younger. Sometimes I end up on the younger wards or working with little girls, which needless to say is not my gift. But I seem to have taken to the job as well as can be hoped, if not better.
And I might be getting a new renter.
I wish I could have fulfilling dreams about the woman I love. I wish she would look at me and see what I see when I look at her..... is it too much to wish that? Is it too much to long to be longed for back? To want to torture her with pleasure and happiness? It's a rare thing that I want to let my will be bent to meet another's but in her I find that already my will is bent to hers, and I find her in my life comfortable.... and I know that as long as she is in it I cannot honestly chase any other relationships...... though I may still try....... I miss sex.... even my enjoyment of pornography is on the decline. It is as if my heart is drying and freezing, going into hibernation. Yet.... nothing... I long for it to beat..... I long for meaningful human contact. Yet that is desperate and wrong, so I must teach myself not to feel. Because the one I want doesn't want me, and there is not currently a better option to fall back on.
The ex is happy, I'm filling the paperwork she wants filed.
What we must, muddily must, muddily must, muddily must;
Muddily do, muddily do, muddily do, muddily do,
Until we bust, bodily bust, bodily bust, bodily bust.
(Kurt Vonnegut)
I feel as if I have failed to uphold my duty to preserve this record of my ongoing quest for meaning and hope in this post divorce wasteland. So, first, I'm sorry about all that. Second, I'm going to try and keep up with it more.
So where to begin?
Well Sarah and I broke up.... I broke up with Sarah........... Over a month ago she decided she was too busy to see me, so out she went. You might be under the impression I can only be so glib because of my distance from the problem, but no. See, in my heart we broke up when she flat out refused to accept my best friend or compromise. And it looked like Shannon part 2, and no thanks, that was no fun the first time.
Somewhere in the middle of that relationship Nikki decided to tell me she had feelings for me. So I couldn't just end the relationship with sarah and by the time it did end of it's own accord Nikki had moved on. Which comes to the primary point of conflict in my relationship life: Nikki. She loves someone else.... again. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I know........ I cuss because I cannot eloquently express my distaste for the situation I am currently in. It is without a doubt beyond compare with any other disappointment in Nikki that I have had in the past. In the past when she was over the moon for some guy, well that guy was the father of her child and I could not claim a better footing. But this guy just came out of the blue while I was trying to resolve my personal matters. And she prefers him........................................... I'm just getting more angry here.
They aren't together now....
Waiting for the right moment, or to be more accurate wondering if the right moment will ever arrive. I feel like I'm sitting watching my life go by. Of course if I was in a relationship with anyone other than my soul mate the difference is utterly moot except in the bragging rights of having more sex..... That's uncomfortably honest and close to home, but this is processing. Do I think that Nikki is my one unique soul mate? I was going to say no out of hand.... but, yet again being honest with my heart I do not know. She may be. Life is surprising. If she loved me..... loved me..... I would say she was. Of course I love her..... but it is not in my love to ask what she has not offered. Right now I certainly don't see anything better. Granted, that's horrible reasoning for love. To be honest I'm unsure whether I could be happier with anyone else...... and it bothers my competitive little heart not having that which I wish to have. She promised we would have another chance...... now it comes down to my trust of her. And of God......... I don't talk about him much anymore.
A brief reprieve into my career I have gained employment in my field. I work in a mental hospital for children....... For children being the shocking part, we all knew I belonged in a mental hospital. It's actually quite fulfilling. I get to be the father I've always been well suited to be to 15 boys, between 14 and 17, there might be a few younger. Sometimes I end up on the younger wards or working with little girls, which needless to say is not my gift. But I seem to have taken to the job as well as can be hoped, if not better.
And I might be getting a new renter.
I wish I could have fulfilling dreams about the woman I love. I wish she would look at me and see what I see when I look at her..... is it too much to wish that? Is it too much to long to be longed for back? To want to torture her with pleasure and happiness? It's a rare thing that I want to let my will be bent to meet another's but in her I find that already my will is bent to hers, and I find her in my life comfortable.... and I know that as long as she is in it I cannot honestly chase any other relationships...... though I may still try....... I miss sex.... even my enjoyment of pornography is on the decline. It is as if my heart is drying and freezing, going into hibernation. Yet.... nothing... I long for it to beat..... I long for meaningful human contact. Yet that is desperate and wrong, so I must teach myself not to feel. Because the one I want doesn't want me, and there is not currently a better option to fall back on.
The ex is happy, I'm filling the paperwork she wants filed.
