no recovery blog tonight

I'm in a really dark place lately, and I'm not able to apply myself to advancing on the daycount for the recovery blog. I'm sorry.

I just don't know where my life is going... what anything is supposed to mean. I could be standing in this place for years, and that's okay and all. I can accept this place, it isn't a bad place. My soul just has nothing positive to say about it. It allows me to subsist. I eat alright, the work is... okay. The people are nice to me. The weather is okay. There just isn't anything that makes me want to push myself harder. There isn't any reason to climb upwards. If the heavenly will isn't there, what can I do against such forces?

Day 6

Day 6: if you could tell your teenage/younger self one thing what would it be?
One thing?! That is really hard. It would be "enroll in college while it's free, you don't have anything else important going on."
Runner ups: when I was suicidal "do it, it isn't going to get better at least by midyear 2015"
before my wedding: "don't marry her, she's going to destroy everything important to you"
before I dropped out: "if you don't drop out you'll get 2 years free school, really, don't do it."

I didn't used to have regrets. On the other hand I used to think things were going to get better, and that everything happens for a reason. God's been kind of distant lately, and I have no clue why I'm even alive right now.

day 5

Day 5: how do you see yourself in 5 years?
Five years seems awfully ambitious considering my current track record. In five years I will be 32 years old. I suspect that if my stress level continues at it's current pace I might actually look my age at that point. That is considering that at 18 I looked 14, at 22 I looked 18, at 24 I looked 21, and I presently look about 24-25 and my actual age is 27.
In regards to recovery though I see myself improved. I see myself wiser, I think 5 more years of reading and analysis will augment my intelligence as well. Hopefully I will be more centered, even more unflappable. I would like very much to be able to keep a cool head regardless of what is going on. I doubt at that point I will have shaken the drugs... That's more of a goal by the time I turn 40 or 50. I hope I'm still with Samantha... things look like I probably will be. Working on that assumption I'm hoping to either have had our first child or be working on it. I have no clue what my career will be like after that long. I couldn't have seen where I am now 5 years ago. Actually if I was asked 5 years ago where I would be at this point my answer would have been either dead or in a better place(though a better place would have described either option).
Frankly I'm not entirely sure I won't be dead in 5 years. I live for today. My religious grounding says not to worry about tomorrow, today is enough. I still likely have 18000 days left in this life sentence, in 5 years I will still have over 15000 days left. It's a very Robinson Caruso thing, being trapped in this body, in this reality for the long haul. I'm making the best of it. That being said, I'm not a fan.

PS: this has been in reserve a few days... long story. I'm going to try and compose on 6 tonight, we'll see

outage

had a pretty long internet outage today, plus panic attacks. Additionally I gave up caffeine... so I have the post for yesterday, but I'll pick up again tomorrow for the rest.

small house cleaning update

I'm aware that there are actual humans reading, but as of this moment those hits don't differ from fake hits from so called "referrer" sites. Google can't fix this. If you want me to actually know you are reading, hit reply. I don't bite, I promise. Unless you are spewing hate speech you're better off posting than not. If in doubt, post anyway and I'll delete it. I reserve the right to change that policy.

Here are the few ways to be sure your reply is deleted:
1. hate speech: as in racism, demeaning anyone based on something arbitrary.
2. Excessive cussing: I get cussing, I in fact cuss somewhat. Of course I am most amused by people not cussing (my boss for example saying "this is a cluster *awkward pause*, a real cluster *awkward pause*). If you cuss like a middle school student, every other word and I can't make sense of your post it'll probably get deleted.
3. All caps, leetspeak, otherwise unreadable: All caps online is considered shouting. The rest is obvious, if I can't read it neither can anyone else, and therefor it is clutter.
4. Shameless self promotion: If you post a short or irrelevant comment and link your page it will be deleted as soon as I see it. This is the easiest to avoid (if you aren't lazy). First step post something relevant. Second, refer to your blog if it is on topic. If I am talking about wigs, and you happen to be the owner of "Wigs and more, deluxe wigs for the hip fresh look", tell me a little about it and post a link. If you are like me and cover quite a bit of ground, just link a relevant post. Easy hack: write a response post on your blog and link it with the annotation: response post. That's good promotion. I will likely go read it and draw traffic from your blog. I of course appreciate it if you link me on your own, that's the stand up thing to do.

That should cover it for now. If you have suggestions for more rules or for post types reply below.

being wrong is always an option

Last night I once again prayed about the Titan. Just for a sign, an urging, anything. I thought I heard "tommorow is the day". Here we are at 11 pm on "the day"... I'm not barring any act of god in the remaining 75 minutes, it's just at this point I have to wonder if what I heard was really God.

My long standing back up explanation for the whole Titan vision has been my ego. My ego is huge, my ego likes complimenting me by saying I'm set apart, special. The Titan vision, in short, strokes the parts of my ego that like being stroked.

Which of course isn't to say it isn't of God.
What I'm saying  is.... I don't know for sure what I heard anymore.
The biggest flaw in our current communication is that He hears me clearly, I have to decode or somehow tell his voice apart from the normal background noise in my head.
The logical solution is also the spiritual solution.
If instructions don't make sense, if I can't figure out new instructions from what I know, I have to revert back to what I know and make a new map based on that information.
Incidentally as I write this record I may be praying some or all of it. Just because you can read it doesn't mean you are the audience. I'm recording here because this record lasts, and also because I find something soothing in sharing my journey with observers.

I'll start at the beginning. I am not saying that I am denying God's ability, his will, or his actions in progress. I am in fact trying very hard not to interrupt whatever work he is doing outside of me.
I can't help but interrupt what is going on in my heart.
Working only from what I know(basic spiritual reboot):
God loves me.
God cannot harm me, do wrong, or influence others to do harm.
Important tasks start with loving God first. Second is loving my neighbor as myself.
God has gotten me out of a number of tight spots. He has personally interacted not only with me but with my observable environment.
God has provided in the past, he will again.
God loves me for me.
God listens to what I ask him about and responds.
God cares about my well being.

The last time I was truly sure I was in his path was working at Shadow Mountain. Things just seemed to work out there. I was blessed to be used by God to help people. Then the time came for that to end. I'm reasonably certain the door was closed.

So that's where I'm at.... I guess I had hoped some enlightenment would come from reviewing the facts. The problem is that my long term plan apart from to chase this dream has been a little vague. When I was married to Lindsay I just wanted to be well off(not broke) and have some kids. Then that got destroyed. I went through a long period of waiting to die or for God to show up, neither happened and I moved on. During that period I had the aforementioned vision. I've just... always hung my hat on that either I would die or God would come around with something better.

Now it appears that I'm not going to die. It also appears that I may have misheard something along the way.

I just don't know how to function in this..... particular reality. I had hoped I could escape. As much as I pretend to be strong, it has been my belief for some time that the ideal environment for my personality to survive is in near vacuum. It allows me to get hungry for knowledge, be creative, but not be forced to conform.
So I'm left with a few options. I can stay to my current path and eventually be beaten into submission, or I can find another way out.
Again, working logically out from the last thing I knew. Yet... I just don't know what my purpose is. My desire is to be productive, creative, and ensure the survival of my line, with minimal pain. *sigh* that's what I've got for the day. I'm sure more will come. When I get clear instructions I'm going to record them.

Day 4

Day 4: what has been the most helpful in coping with your condition?

Singlehanded? Drugs, both illegal and prescribed. I am including nicotine in the drugs category. After I cleaned up at the end of my teen years I went on a streak of avoiding drugs, but the floodgates opened after my divorce. First there was the allergy meds... for sleep. I remember at times I was getting a bottle a week and sleeping months at a time. Unlike other former drug users I have no regrets. It was a dark time and I was glad for the help. Over time I lost my reaction to those drugs. At that point I had begun smoking cigars. Nicotine is without a doubt the most available and effective antidepressant. Smoking also improves digestion, which is very useful when anxiety messes up your stomach.
At that point I began with the weed. I don't remember ever having a casual relationship with weed. Of course at the time my relationship with all substances was pretty hardcore. I would get out of my head on benedryl, then start drinking. The benedryl suppressed the gag reflex so I could enjoy the alcohol.
Weed was like benedryl+alcohol without the side effects. Benedryl makes me edgy, and I'm not a big fan of the stomach pain or dizziness with alcohol.
So the problem with weed has always been regularity. Back in the day I smoked an ounce a month. I bought in bulk and got good deals. However because of my clean upbringing and past I didn't know many dealers. Every time I lost a dealer I had to go cold turkey. I also couldn't always get the strain that I needed.
Eventually I got health insurance. I also got a job at a children's hospital, which forced me to clean up. I started going to therapy. I got started on the long search for a drug that works. Oh, also the same month I started at the hospital I had my first panic attack. I never finished dropping weed or smoking but I got pretty clean. It wasn't an every day thing. I found buspar which treated the general anxiety and xanex which handled panic attacks. I also got on sleep aids and started sleeping normal hours.
After I left the hospital things went really bad. I lost my insurance for 6 months and went on straight weed... it was horrible, I hated it by the time I was done. Eventually I got back into treatment... Things stayed pretty dark for awhile. My depression deepened, and to be honest has never been as light as when I worked at the hospital since. But about 5 months ago my doctor tried me on a tricylic drug (effexor), which combined with my ADD meds treats the depression. I haven't had weed in over a year. I haven't had nicotine in 10 months. There's no telling how long these drugs will work, but there also isn't any telling how long I'll have to maintain this level of functioning.
I'll tell you a secret: I don't want to be high functioning. When I am high functioning (like now) I push myself past the limit. I don't stop until things start shutting down. As I am typing this I am recovering from a brush with heat stroke. I'm trying to get to the point I function moderately, and that is enough. I do know how to function moderately, but unfortunately that isn't enough at the moment.

A final side note there are a number of drugs that instead of improving my condition made it worse. First K2, which doesn't refer to just one drug because the recipe changes every time an ingredient is made illegal (or that's how it worked when I was on the stuff). It's not addictive, has no positive aspects apart from ONE really good high. It was the best high of my life actually, but it was one time. There wasn't any recapturing it.
There is a long list of anti depressants that didn't work. Side effects varied from making me more depressed/suicidal, sleepwalking/sleep panic attacks, seizures, various nerve problems, and sexual issues.
Drugs aren't toys, no matter how much doctors treat them that way. In choosing to self medicate I took an educated risk. I only jumped without looking once, and it ended badly. Every other time I knew as much about the drug as I considered necessary to consume it. Doctors are also as much my friend as my enemy. For every good doctor I have found there are at least 5 lazy ones. On some occasions I felt more like I was dealing with a drug dealer than a doctor. Actually, my drug dealers always took better care of me than my worst doctors.
The lady I'm seeing now is decent. She does her best, which is all I can ask. Her office staff however... more so so.
I still don't want to live on drugs the rest of my life, I'm hoping this is just a season I'm going through.

Dissappointment: search for answers

I first became truly disappointed in christianity in 6th grade. I was going to a christian school and it just reinforced everything I had learned to detest in christianity. Somewhere in that crisis I found out: my relationship with God and my relationship with other christians aren't necessarily directly related.
So for over ten years I've been seeking him on my own, through the bible, through books, prayer and doing projects he sends me on.
But now here I am 27 years old and I'm starting to realize that I'm disappointed with more than just the run of the mill christian, I have problems with the whole faith. I'm becoming disappointed in God.

The biggest problem is the answers I've been finding. There seems to be two responses to "God isn't taking care of me".
1. God's got this handled, you don't see it. This suffering is PART of the plan, he's going to do some awesome shit, just keep following him.
2. You need to realign your will with his. Ask the right questions.

Neither one scratches the itch. I'll admit, I believe the first one more often. But there are dark moments when I start to think that maybe he is more like the second one.

Because I've been waiting for answers for some time. Of course there is the standard bs that he has a different conception of time than us. To me that sounds like an excuse for lack of empathy... or maybe I'm making him into a straw man. I have no idea what the right emotion to feel is, but it probably isn't anger. Then I feel guilty that I'm angry at his perfect plan, which leads to depression.

I also don't know how I would realign my will to his. I'm generally aware of the process, that God makes you stop wanting what you did before and start being into his stuff... it isn't that simple. I have a mind, and I LIKE having a mind. I like the act of faith being submitting to his will, not that I was already thinking whatever he wanted to put into my head. I'll admit being a little suicidal lately, but I'm not identity death suicidal. I don't want some new person who is nothing like me taking over my body. The Max I know? He's pretty loving, and that's pretty much the extent of his God-ish qualities. He's also sarcastic, has big ideas, likes to try and think of things other people haven't. He's a headstrong and difficult man. How can I change him? I tried once, and it nearly killed him. Him being me. I don't know how to change into something I'm not. I'm willing to let him change me. I'm willing to follow his will. I just have no CLUE what that is. Apart that it apparently involves a couple years in real life purgatory. Maybe a lifetime! His will be done, not mine. He is able to keep me just sane enough not to die, so he can wait a LONG time. Longer than me. I have nothing to hold over him, he gets to just sit by and watch, relieving temporary pain and allowing deeper pain to fester.

I don't know anyone else who is this disappointed with him and still with him. Frankly it's biblical levels of faith, like David in the wilderness kind of faith. Without the promise of a happy ending.
Where are you Lord? Do I matter to you?

action vs adjustments

I'll start with a story.
I remember when I worked at a call center and the many things I learned about the nature of man. I imagine being at an incoming call center is pretty close to what it might feel like to receive prayer. Of course I'm not saying God acts like call center agents... I'm just presenting an opportunity for empathy with the creator. Everyone that called my call center wanted something. They wanted their problem solved, and solved now regardless of expense. Sound familiar?
Here is where there is a divergence: a good call center agent solves the customer's problem in the shortest amount of time and with the least amount of actual effect on the company. The best solution was talking to them. Many customers were underinformed or lonely, both are easy to fix over the phone. The second best solution was to change something in the system. Sometimes this meant adjusting billing, or fiddling with the network. I did tech support so many of my solutions in this area were abstract. I told the system to clean up it's act, suddenly I have a happy customer.
Finally the final and least ideal solution was to get the customer someone who could help them better. Sometimes that meant transfers, but most often it meant sending a repairman to them. The company hated that, and rewarded agents for not using it.

How this leads in is that there are the same three categories for answers to prayer. There are the times you just need to talk to God, he listens and provides feedback. That fixes many emotional problems.
Second tier is fixing something in the system. For humans that means adjusting our personalities, how we react to things, or just giving us a sense of peace.

Finally sometimes God really swings for the fences. Ever seen God stop a crisis in progress? I have. I've seen it go from call the cops trouble to everybody going to bed with milk and cookies. I've seen direct intervention, and it is really something to see.

To the point I have noticed that he favors the first two in response to regular prayer. If I pray in the car, or in my bed, or when I wake up, he's got a huge chance of using one of the first two solutions.

Which isn't to say that is how my prayer is directed. Sometimes it is. But for 10 years I have been trying to get God to do a category 3 reaction to prayer that he gives category 1 and 2 responses.
I've already prayed a bit about this issue today, it's a regular topic for us.

I understand his will being his will. Which is why we agreed that I wouldn't attack the future on here. What this is is a philosophical response. How should I come to terms with the reality that these are the answers I am getting?

This is a new stage for me. I have said in the past that a God that does things that everyone else can isn't particularly impressive, glorious, or essential.
In a point:If cognative therapy and drugs can (and maybe did) create the "act of God", it won't cut it as testimony.
Category one solutions, the talk therapy? I'm doing it right now. It does not matter in fact at all if he pays attention to this particular discussion I'm having right now. I had a therapist tell me to journal to deal with my issues, and it works quite a bit.
Category two solutions, which is the sticking point, that covers stress management techniques. It also covers drugs. Here is the great thing about a good bit of cognative therapy and every drug I've ever taken: they don't ask for anything. If I sit back and take a deep breath an appreciate the things I like in life, that's just thought redirection. There is nothing spiritual at all in focusing on what makes me satisfied.
I broke down crying praying over the weekend, and the peace I have now is his response. I appreciate the peace.
What it really comes down to is that I want to know the problem is important to him. I want to believe I'm important to him. I guess what I'm saying is when he responds with peace when I ask for rescue, it hurts my pride. It makes it seem like.... I don't know... like I don't matter. Like he doesn't take my problem seriously.
I realized last night I have over 18,000 days left in my life. I'd like to have most of them be good. How involved can God be in that? Okay, Okay... that's a future question.
There are just times that trusting him that the solution he just handed me is incredibly hard. It's way harder to accept his answers than to ask him.... for me.
If he doesn't use direct action unless it's integral to his plan, or to pull my ass out of the fire.... I don't know what I can do to that. I've grown out of putting myself in trouble hoping he'll get the hint. I'm learning to accept that he's not going to let me in on the details of his plan.
Like I said, it's hard to understand how he can love me and at the same time have the reactions he does to my requests.

Recovery Challenge Day 3

Day 3: what are three things you want to gain from this recovery?

1. Sanity
The definition of sanity is:
the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health.
"I began to doubt my own sanity"
synonyms: mental health, faculties, reason, rationality, saneness, stability, lucidity; More
reasonable and rational behavior.
synonyms: (common) sense, wisdom, prudence, judiciousness, rationality, soundness, sensibleness
"sanity has prevailed"

Though this is also a philosophical and spiritual goal. I don't have any desire to be sane per other people's definition. I want to be sane within my own established reasoning. I don't have much else to say in this context, but sanity will play a major role in my regular post tonight.

2. Positive relationships with good boundaries.
I was going to say positive relationships that don't drain me, but it all comes down to boundaries. I am still on the road to figuring out which parts of myself to allow certain people in my life to access. In the past I let people have way too much access, and got burned. Right now I think my boundaries are probably a little excessive.

3. Find a path towards health
I don't delude myself that I will reach total functionality. For one I'm a perfectionist when it comes to pushing myself. I'm trying to find some balance. I'd like to be as healthy as is possible for me.

So I'm just going to pick up where I left off here, and these are just going to come when I have time and energy. I actually feel like shit right now... physically at least... but I wanted to do this, so I did.

Not enough (rant)

First off, I'm aware I'm already behind on my recovery blog, and I'll see what I can do. Further in I believe you will have all the answer you need as to why.
I don't know why I am under the impression that hard work, faith in god, or reasonable intelligence have any bearing on my ability to cope or handle my life. Really, I have NO EARTHLY CLUE. Oh wait, I do. I think that hard work pays off because I have to rationalize my work ethic somehow, I've seen others fired for slacking off, and in the past have had near misses because of my own occasional laziness. So I live day to day believing that hard work matters when it does not improve things in the slightest if I work hard. I can bust my ass all day long and my boss doesn't notice (apart from no negative consequences), my fiance still expects me to come home and fix things, my family still thinks I should work more overtime, and shortly I find myself run down.
I think that reasonable intelligence will fix things because it does, just not everything. It streamlines hard projects. It improves the state of equipment (with the exception of the human body). For some people (not me) it improves their earning potential. I don't know why my brain power is insufficient to supply me with sufficient income, so there we are.
Finally there is my seeming belief that God will provide because I have faith in him. This is of course magical thinking, ergo that I think that somehow arranging my brain in a certain way will make the universe pay out in another. It is an early sign of insanity, and to me this is a clear indication that I am on the decline. Granted it is a mass cultural event, so there we are. Further we can explain it as I "Love" him, and therefor I am allowed to bet my future and come up short. Why does he promise to fix things, only for me to wait? The answer is always to build my faith. Yet how is my faith to build when things get worse?
When I prayed to be able to be self sufficient, how was that served by not fixing our income problem? How was that improved by allowing my truck to break down and NO ONE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING CITY HAS THE PART?! HOW WAS THE GREAT AND INFALLIBLE PLAN OF THE LORD SERVED WHEN THE ONLY RESPITE I HAD, SLEEP, BECAME WAKING NIGHTMARES?! HOW WAS IT SERVED WHEN I COULD NOT REPAIR MY HOUSE? WHEN I COULD NOT AQUIRE SUFFICIENT HARDWARE FOR MY ELECTRONICS?! OH YES! SUCH FAITH WE ARE BUILDING. IF HE KEEPS BUILDING MY FAITH I'LL BE DEAD SOON, AND GOD BE PRAISED IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN BE IN THIS FUCKING DESERT A MOMENT LONGER.

But that doesn't matter. My pain is just the refining of his fucking gold. I'm just a FUCKING furnace that he lights up so that my soul might become some beautiful fucking masterpiece. Then he claims to love me. LOVE?! I'd be entertained to see how he treats his enemies. Geez, if this is how he treats those he loves then those he hates are really screwed.
That should be in the sales bits: God of our fathers-the best you can hope for is painful apathy, at worst you'll be in the firing line for every dark force on the planet.
Do you realize if I gave name and voice to my enemies they far surpass any boogyman you might put in a horror movie? What is scary about someone who wants to kill you? That's only frightening if you like life, a state I have sought and fallen short. A murderer would be a fine friend to me. In fact, a finer friend than our Lord, who at best can only offer promise that it WILL get better. I'd love for it to. Frankly it's all that is keeping the gun out of my mouth (proverbial, I own no gun, but I do live near a highway). Not true, I can't stand to kill myself. More's the pity. Add that to the list of personal flaws. One we can't improve on evolutionarily.
I long for a world of pure reason. I have figured out that obviously the point of our capitalistic society is to eliminate the wasteful elements of humanity. An idea that as a reasoning focused man I am fully behind. If we reason that capitalism creates better through competition and eliminates the waste (also a christian idea... burn the chaff), then the obvious LOGICAL thing for those of us that the economy has set aside to be eliminated should:
A:not breed
B: die
So why isn't the GOP platform "It's ok if you aren't rich, we'll give you a pill and you can stop being a drag on society"? My generation is the most depressed in history, we'd certainly go for it. Obviously our problems are unfixable. The humans who claim they can fix them are overwhelmed by the forces of the establishment. Therefor the establishment wins. Christianity is quite clear on the point: submit to your rulers. Our rulers must not want us to exist. Our God has yet to intervene, and so what else can we conclude?
I don't know. I wish I was dead and that doesn't help, it's just another prayer going unanswered. It's just another night in pain, waiting to die. Another day down, progress towards the grave, that only goal I know I'll make.
I don't know where God is, he's my only hope, he's the only thing I trust and I have no hope but him. He is far and away, though I scream for him, though I beg for mercy, where is my saviour? What was to be made of the promise of father jacob? Father Abraham? Was that just a passing dream? A mercy that we know you saved once. A mercy to know that all these hoped as well and died unfufilled.
No one in the world Ever gets what they want And that is beautiful Everybody dies Frustrated and sad And that is beautiful They want what they're not And I wish they would stop

Recovery Challenge day 2

Day 2: why did you choose recovery?

That's a weird damn question. For me that's like asking "why did you decide to keep breathing?' The answer is simple: I don't have it in me to buy a gun and shoot myself, not if there are other options. So I don't have it in me to live with depression the way I was experiencing it. I didn't have it in me to go into another relationship like my 1st marriage. I don't have the strength to live with two panic attacks a day.

I know my limits. One time was all I could take being betrayed like that. I won't be EVER again. Even if I were to divorce again, being blindsided like before is impossible. Even if I deal with depression deeper, I know it's a warped reality. Same for panic attacks.

I choose to continue because I'm not satisfied yet. I'm not completely insulated against my problem yet. I don't know what totally better looks like, but not this.

Recovery challenge: Day 1

Day 1: What are you recovering from? Tell us everything you know about it.

It's hard to narrow down, which tells me I haven't been in group therapy in awhile. I remember when I did my intro in group and that lasted longer than my reflection.

It all started with recovery from dysfunctional relationships, and from my divorce. Along the way I picked up depression and anxiety. I have also at various times had some bad habits in the areas of drugs and irresponsible behavior (for me, others don't consider it that bad).

So, what do I know about divorce? I can only give you a religious answer, because legally I still don't get it. In basic terms it's when you make an undying vow and decide to break it. In my case I think she made that decision.... but I suspect she blames me as well. The truth is it was a mistake ever to marry her. I really should have listened to others who said I was too young. I don't think I was too young to love someone like that, or understand the permanence of the vows. I was too young to be skeptical enough of her. I was too young to see betrayal in front of my face. I was too young to hurt the way I did.

I know it's a highly personal process. I've known people who rushed back in to something lasting. I get that, losing marriage is very uncomfortable. It seems like someone else could fill the hole. In my case they can't. No one else could ever have been Lindsay to me. She was all that she could ever have been to me. I lost her, and even though I tried there was no getting her back. I moved on my way. I sunk into depression and examined myself. I understood that she started the split, but having spent previous time in recovery I knew I played a part.

Anyway I am currently in my first stable happy relationship since losing Lindsay. We are engaged and it looks like will be married in time. I'm still in the process of learning to trust again, and learning my role in making things work.

What do I know about depression? Oh, so much. Depression is a black hole of energy. For me it is sadness that is deeper than sadness. Like if you get hit so hard you are numb. I spent the first year sleeping, doing drugs and watching movies. Then I came back to the world. It's been an ongoing fight for 5 years.

At present I have to work to know when I'm depressed, and often it's subtle. Lately it's been a lack of hope, faith or trust. I'm having a good week on that score.

Anxiety? It's fear. I've been hurt so bad, and no one was there to catch me. I have learned to rely on myself. Anxiety comes when I fail. Anxiety comes when I don't have the resources to cope. Anxiety comes when I don't know how to deal with what is ahead. Or if I get too far ahead of myself.

I'm very zen about it right now.... nothing of importance is bothering me at the moment, but I know I need to improve myself so I don't let someone or something else put me back in that bad place.

30 day recovery challenge

from: http://anxietysurvivor.tumblr.com/

So I found this, and I feel like being forced to write something for the next 30 days. Keep in mind I've been in recovery for....... 3-5 years depending on how you define it. But I reached 300 posts, and considering the length of most of them... that's an achievement. Heck, that means I've written a book.

I hadn't shared this before, but I actually started blogging because of my literary aspirations (which I am not making much progress on at the moment.) My long term friend and therapist (who has since retired) told me to try and write something every day while I was in recovery. If I could at least document the process. That I have tried to do. He told me that when I was done I would have enough material for a book, and it would be a book people would want to read. We shall see on that score. Anyway, I'm going to do Day 1 in the next post, but I'm going to do my best to do this every day.

mini science rant

So I just saw a headline "5 creepy real places that science can't explain".
So many problems. First of all, science defined:
the intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behavior of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.
So is science a person? No. Further how certain people practice a scientific approach does not make them science. In the very outset this sentence isn't doing well because it doesn't show who is expected to do the explaining. Am I the one who is doing the science? Because I only have a few undergrad courses in biology.... I'm afraid I'm under qualified. Are scientists doing the explaining? If so, why not say scientists?
Now to the meat of the issue: can't.

Which is the infinitive way of saying that it is not possible for this particular noun to do the thing. In a sense they are right as an idea (which this is) does not have a mouth, or fingers to type out an explanation. In other news feminism can't install a speed bump and my tiny ass can't ride democracy to mars.
What it comes down to in the end is incomplete data, which an educated person would have figured out. The intent is to state that the process of science hasn't figured out some of nature's mysteries. I don't see how that's a big deal as science hasn't figured out every quantifiable and definitely knowable problem either. People practicing science may never actually investigate the items in question, but it wouldn't change a thing. The challenge brought was that it was impossible that a scientific approach could explain certain things, and that is patently wrong.
First of all an idea is practically immortal, so trying to draw limits is a practice in futility. Second it was not stated that the person using science needed the right answer. It said that they couldn't provide an answer. I'd say that given enough funding some scientific institution could provide some answer as to what is going on. It might not be very good. It might fall apart under scrutiny, but you didn't ask for good.

I'm just sick of this constant attack on knowledge. I'm tired of under educated people getting mad at the more educated. There is a dogmatic approach in some sectors that distrusts anything under the banner science. Science is at least three thousand years old, and many good and bad people have used it. However it is no more the fault of science than the battle of Normandy was the fault of the beach.

distant light

So... sick again... not to the point I'm not able to work, but enough to mess with me.
It appears to be the heat, and it makes my stomach hurt which in turn keeps me from eating like I should. I've pushed pretty hard so far this week (still can't believe only two days down), I haven't missed a minute of work, my breaks have come when I wanted them.

Anyway hurt stomach (or any extreme pain at this point) leads to praying myself to sleep. I don't remember how it came to this but last night before I went to sleep I came upon some scripture (probably Jeremiah 29, since it's posted by my bed) and the words jumped out

"I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

I don't know if I have shared my personal feelings about Oklahoma. I was born in Dallas Texas, and never liked the idea of moving to Oklahoma. Tulsa is a big city, but compared to Dallas? No comparison. The weather is better, and that's about it. Well, maybe traffic. You know what don't get into it with me and traffic (I was rear ended last week).

Anyway, I didn't like Oklahoma much to start with. My teen years made it abundantly clear that people like me did in fact have a place in the universe:not Oklahoma. It wasn't just one thing either. Could it have been:
Being told Democrats don't go to heaven at church?
Not to be curious about science because "God has that figured out" at a Christian school?
Being exorcised, twice?
Substandard education facilities but by God we've got the best football in the country?
Maybe it was the weather (impossibly hot in the summer, ice in the winter), maybe it was the economy (either dirt poor or filthy rich), but mostly it was the religious right. It was living in a city built on televangelism. Home of name it and claim it.

Anyway, haven't been a fan. Now when I got married and decided to settle down.... I guess I must have come to peace with the place. There are good things here, mostly swimming and cycling. If she had been faithful... if the marriage had lasted... who knows?
But as soon as she left my only prayer was this: escape.
Even now when I have come to some peace I can't ignore the fact that on every street corner there are horrible memories. This is the environment I died and came back in.
It has always made sense that given the both literal and figurative salvation that is promised biblically, God would be just as interested as I am as to getting me out of here. I might have set my sights high.... oh well. I've learned.
The point is my light is that: he said he would bring back those he has sent into exile. I believe that on some level that attitude still lives. God still frees the trapped, and oh boy am I. I've been having daydreams..... With God you never know. He's quiet for an awfully long while, long enough that it feels like he never spoke or acted at all. Then he's there, larger than life, moving around the guts of your personal universe. No one else could, and no one else has the remarkable vision to understand what needs to be done. Days are coming, for everything a season and for him to move large obstacles there is a season as well, and it is ahead.

the bright side

Or why I hate positive thinking. I'm in a sort of loop here, I manage to distract myself. Then it slips away and once again I'm trying to find an answer to what to do about my religious problem.

The biggest answer appears to be "think positive." I have heard this sooooo often from those in the name it and claim it line of faith. They say things like "if you aren't positive then God isn't going to bless you", false. It really centers well on what I detest in Christianity: fakes. What do you call someone who even though they feel like shit pretends it's all ok? I call it a fake.

Now I do keep in mind that God does have it figured out. No matter how bad things get from down here, he's got the big picture. I'm aware of that. It just doesn't mean that down here isn't painful. Just because he knows that he's going to use me almost getting heat stroke later for his kingdom doesn't relieve my parched throat. Just as him allowing me to be chained up may someday lead to kingdom glory, it doesn't change the frustration I feel at being chained up.

I really don't know what I am supposed to try at this point of waiting on him. I've tried being positive and enthusiastic. I've tried being unhappy. I've tried begging. I've tried asking others to pray. I've tried reading scripture. I realize at this point it sounds like I'm listing the things that don't work. This is important: Nothing I do can MAKE him move. He will move when it is his time to move, no sooner and no later.

I'm just.... antsy. I try to play games.... no pleasure. I can't smoke... I try to daydream... NOTHIN! Reading, music, even prayer all turns up an empty feeling that swallows my soul.

I don't know. The deep passionately clingy part of my soul says :"maybe that means it's time for him to move." Maybe! If so it would be the greatest relief I could imagine.

It's like an itch I can't scratch, and I know that chances are he can. *sigh* So maybe now is the time. I know this; waiting without a good preoccupation is even more agony. I thought at least I could throw myself into work and hobbies.... but no. It isn't so. Nothing satisfies. I just want to go home, where my heart longs to be.

between two forces of nature

Some things God is by nature.
He is by his very nature loving. He is correct, it is a fact of who he is. He's all knowing and all seeing. He does everything on purpose, on time, and with the best reasoning that exists. It isn't that he CHOOSES to act this way, it's part of who he is. He could no more be unloving or wrong than a deep sea fish could fly to the sun and back.
What I am stuck between is the facts of his existence and the facts of my own. I am by nature less than perfect. I am also by nature of who I am loyal, my love for him is also part of those things I just am. I am honorable, it's a defining quality. I could no more go against my word than God be wrong.
By my word and my agreement I belong to him. I am loyal to those I am bound to so I can't leave. At the same time my desires seem..... how do I put this?
In this moment, in my current sadness, he is currently not delivering me. He has not yet done any more than pull me back up.
I have to be very careful how I describe it. His plan isn't something I have a full understanding of. In fact... at the moment I feel I could not be farther from grasping what he has planned for me. I won't say that he isn't going to do this or that... or for that matter that he will do this or that. To suppose that would be to say I understand, and I don't. I will say he's going to do something, because I have faith in him. He will respond on some level, even if no one SEES what it is. Even if I was dead, the response is coming.

I'm just.... frustrated is too light to describe the total despair of the soul that I don't just have inside me, I live inside it. It's like..... my life is presently in an orbit about some sort of black hole. It seems to me that I am being pulled back to a semi stable orbit, but I am not in a place where light breaks through. It would appear that light doesn't exist, but that isn't what's going on, it's just all getting sucked into the huge force about which I am stuck. There is brightness out there in the universe, just because I'm stuck here doesn't mean I'm not aware there are other ways for it to be. I would LIKE for God to take me to a better location. There are conflicting opinions as to whether he will. He doesn't have to. My mind, my body, even my emotions could be completely wiped out, my soul is what he wants and he'll take care of that.

So what can I say? I have stupid stuff to take care of so I don't get to do anything about it myself.
My only hope is him, and let me tell you..... it's the most frightening thing in my life. This is the same guy who said "it will be okay" before my divorce. He said things would get better at multiple points. So we must deal with one of two options. One: perhaps better means something different to him. Two: whatever he was talking about hasn't happened yet. Of course I prefer two. It isn't even a lack of faith, or lack of love for him. It's a lack of HOPE. It's that I've been waiting so long that I don't know what I'm even waiting for.

Until then, I'm between my loyalty and his unfailing correctness. I couldn't wriggle out even if I wanted to, which I don't.

Absurd

To which point I must finally reach. When God says no it may very well lead directly to the absurd reasoning.

My feeling explained like this:

I had a dream, in this dream I was a soldier in an unending war. I did not remember signing up. Yet I kept getting sent on tour of duty after tour of duty. I cried, I begged for discharge, and I wasn't given it. Yet I prepared for my upcoming tour diligently, I must be the best soldier I might yet be.

So it is. I am stuck. I don't remember signing up for this. It is quite possible that this is God's sublime plan. Reference verse: II Cor. 12:7-9 “Even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

If God was thus to his servant Paul, is it such a stretch to believe he would behave thus towards me. As previously stated God is not compelled to relieve our pain. He can subsist in it, in fact he can leave it in place as a way of humbling us. Therefor one can easily suppose that in the grand plan there is a place for my pain. To humble me, to make me as nothing, so that his greatness increase. Though I wish unending for an end. Though the suffering itself becomes absurd.

I am to push the rock up the hill again. Yep, I don't want to. Yes, I admit yet again that things would make more sense had I not this impossible task. I'm not the one in charge though. I'm just the soldier. God, he is the general. I will be judged by my faithfulness. So even though he does not satisfy me in the least, I may please him by repeating the same painful climb. I really do have no idea how I might please him.

Really, his pleasure seems so removed from might to the point that I cannot understand how such a being derives pleasure. I cannot understand in my limited way how such a being could love such a one as me. I'm hopeless. He was all the hope allowed to me. If he does not relieve me, what hope is left? All that is left in me is desire to end.  Yet he says it is not to be. How can such a one as he care for me and yet be so indifferent to my desires. I can understand how he could decide to not relieve me by removing my pain in this life, yet I cannot understand why he would be so unmerciful as to force me to continue.

Why would he want me to go into battle after battle, me fated to lose. In what way am I his servant if he does not need me. Perhaps he may love me and not like me. I must meditate more on the nature of my poor understanding and his glorified reasoning.

Realities of faith

I feel compelled to discuss what happened today. The primary drive is that I don't like setting up a legitimate challenge to the faith without allowing God to have his say in things. Credit where it is due there are times he is very prompt (that being said when it comes to other things you could code an operating system before he completes them.) Which is more interesting considering that the work is the same in emergency/high stress situations as with low intensity/long term requests. Further it must be noted that the time to him is exactly the same. As it says "for him a day is as 1000 years, and 1000 years are as a day."

So last night I was dealing with a panic attack... for multiple reasons. The biggest was that I was physically weakened and it doesn't take much stress to overload a tired system. Self care is the first step of anxiety management, and it is almost always the source of either strength or disaster.

I spent 3 hours typing out a complete and cogent explanation of the issues I have/had with the God/servant dynamic. After that I realized I was getting myself more and more worked up, to no positive result. I am by nature a bit hot headed, but frugal also. Tonight for example frugal is overriding hot headed. By frugal I mean I don't want to spend the energy getting upset. Things are still wrong (oh yes!) but God has a hand on most of it already, and the rest he will... sooner or later.

I woke up still a bit anxious, that's what happens when I go to bed after an attack. Worse the meds only lengthen the attack, they don't end it. I had made the dual error of taking the meds (I should have been strong and dealt with my feelings), and having a beer. Neither helped anything, I see that now. Not that I have a drinking problem. If I were going to give something up.... it wouldn't be that.

So I read scripture, not knowing what else to do. The scripture reading (most of it involving live praying particularly applicable psalms) led me right back to where I left off: The paradox of humility vs pride. King David, if you didn't know, was a HUGE believer in a  God who not only is tuned into our personal interests, his perspective is particularly revenge focused.

I'll complete my philosophy development then finish telling about my day. The ongoing discussion with every scripture always drifts back to the nature of the source. To convert the Bible into a cogent philosophy I have divided scripture into categories:

Word of God
     When there is documented evidence that God personally spoke. These are very few! This category is ultimately infallible (as much as a rational number like infinity makes sense in mathmatics).

Prophesy
    When God spoke through a prophet. There are some areas that float between the above category and this one. Prophesy is often metaphorical, circumstantial, or even not completely right. The more human involvement the worse in terms of theology. However prophesy must be taken fairly seriously if only because God took the time to touch someone's heart with a vision of the future. It isn't always circumstance based either. That being said it can drift into the below category.

Circumstantial, cultural and personal histories and messages
    Whenever God does something that sounds odd, it is likely a special reaction to a certain situation. It could also be a tool that the priests used to preserve their culture. We must face the fact that humans stretch the truth when it makes a good story. We must also be aware of our own human nature to insert ourselves into the story. Just because God acted a certain way in a past situation doesn't mean he will now. That isn't how he works. For example I highly doubt that God would completely raze a city to the ground and kill every living thing for miles again. Not without a pretty spectacular reason. So just because David called on God during a war with the philistines two to three thousand years ago doesn't mean God is going to take sides in our wars.

Philosophy
This is plain and simple philosophy. Pretty much everything Paul ever says is philosophy. Much of old testament law is philosophy. Understand that my point of view is: If it isn't about God then it isn't of direct effect to the faith of all. It took me many years to realize why I disliked Paul until I discovered that he told people what they SHOULD do, not what they must do. He also directed many of his comments directly at certain groups, see above.

Histories and messages that establish the character of God
      Finally there are many segments of history and messages of many types that show us what type of God we are dealing with. The Bible for much of it's history has been used to explain God to those who haven't had intimate knowledge of him. Further even the long faithful can find wisdom and comfort in seeing how God has behaved in the past. God is the same from age to age. Just because we don't hear about documented miracles doesn't mean the world is lacking in them. Dividing the circumstantial from what defines who he is isn't easy. I'm not even certain it is right. However it is efficient.

So David is an interesting character when it comes to developing a realistic understanding of who God is. We cannot deny his signifigance. The bloodline goes from Adam to David, then David to Jesus. I don't have time or space to go into all the ramifications of the life of David. To summerize he is one of the few in pre-Christ times to know God on a personal level. David and I share something few Christians share with me; We will rip God a new one if we are in pain or upset. I can't preach on right or wrong in regards to this practice, but it works for me. Not everyone can pray with eyes open or while walking around, spirituality is personal.

So sharing that with David means I can read many psalms of David out loud and in my own voice. These psalms are not dry rehearsed prayers, they are living proof that a man following God has felt this way before. Further a man following God has gotten results from talking to God this way. Most of these psalms were written on the run, either from Saul or his son. Further proof that God does in fact have an active role to play in the life of the hurt and depressed. Solomon and David both had major depression for long periods.

David can somehow say at the same time that he hurts beyond any hurting he has before, yet God will deliver. This is my goal in faith. I hope it shows that though I rail against the gaps between men and him, I love him deeply. Actually I love very few enough that I can be so upset by them. God has the top slot in my heart, therefor when I am far from him it hurts me deeply. I cease to function without him and would cease to be without his purpose in me.

It took me many years to realize that giving my life to him totally meant that he was the only one safe to do so with. Our culture likes to romanticize giving our loved ones our whole hearts. This is risky for non-believers, it may be a relationship killer to believers. If God senses that you are putting something ahead of him he can and will destroy your idol. When I pray that he keeps me pure he is destroying things that try to pull ahead of him.

I have forwarded the idea that it is possible he killed my marriage (or allowed it to die) out of spite towards one I loved totally that was not him. There were other problems in my faith that my trial by fire and divorce pulled away from me.

David said directly (in multiple passages) that God desires to fulfill the desires of our hearts. Which if you read last nights rants was the subject of debate. I countered that did he not say that he sets out to lay low the prideful? He of course reminded me that Christ also said the whole ask and it will be answered spiel.

Which brought it all down to humility. When my identity broke and reformed I developed new ideas about what pride was. Now I am not going to deny pride is a stumbling block. Arrogance, hubris and self worship are temptations to everyone. Yet I had to find a way to care for myself without believing that humility should be sought over the care of self. For if God did not want me to care for self I wouldn't.
What it all came down to was when Christ was asked by the young scholar what the greatest commandment was. Christ said "Love your God with all your heart, body and soul." Then he was asked what the second greatest commandment was. He said "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Which is my point, if you do not love yourself how can you love your neighbor? Aren't I a person God cares for, and therefor shouldn't I care for me? Further if God desires us to treat our neighbor well it follows that he wants us to do well for ourselves.

Which shuts the door on it as far as I can tell. The words of God directly say this is an important message. If God is concerned that we care for ourselves then he is concerned with the desires of our heart. He wants us to be humble, and I don't know that I will ever stop struggling with the balance.

The rest of my day. I got to the office and was allowed to update my gear, which was a HUGE blessing.

Then I had a conversation late in the day about God's tendency to pull back after delivering me from danger. I told him that just because today's problem was resolved that didn't mean I didn't need him anymore. I explained with both emotion and logic that just because I rely on him doesn't mean I need to be in danger regularly to appreciate him. Further if Christian life is to be sought by the non believer, it must be of improved nature. I'm not saying God needs to make everyone rich! I'm saying that God needs to provide not just our base needs but think wider. Living day to day isn't really living, it's surviving. Survive too long and the value of life is lost.
The Bible says that relying on God was building a house on strong foundations, where as going it alone was like building a house on sand. If he is to be a strong foundation then stability must increase. Things have to get better from the cold logic that creation and good create peace while evil destroys.
On my drive home I got rear ended in a hit and run. I then spent over an hour waiting for my boss and police to arrive. Then another hour getting drug tested. That was my day. Blessing, deliverance and then it ended with attack. Which I'm now wondering whether is more an agent of evil that it seeks to attack me as I try to draw close to God. I doubt very much God wanted me hit on the way home from work. It came at the worst possible time, when I was on the last and easiest leg of my journey.
Things are well so far however. I earned extra cash for staying late. I was given praise for my work and care towards proper procedure. I got home safe.

I may have a conclusion one of these days to my saga of waiting. Perhaps I will bind a book of the journey. "Road to Nirvana" has a nice ring to it, or perhaps "On the way to Enlightenment", "Losing myself and finding who I intended to be" "Without a chance: Finding meaning in chaos and God's plan in

nothing

I feel nothing. It's just to the point that I have nothing left to feel. I don't even damn deserve to feel. I've begged. I've asked. I've searched for spiritual and practical solutions. I'm not saying God doesn't have this taken care of. I'm saying my heart is grieved to the point of despair. I'm saying that if there is such a thing as perfect timing God and I have different understanding of the word "perfect". Which is to point out that if it was God's personal body, I don't think he would neglect it to the point of people wondering if it had worth at all. If it was God's personal life... I just don't see how any holy being could live in a vessel so hopeless, so forsaken, so alone. I'm not looking for pity, it's past that. It's the point that poverty is a sickness with a clear cure, and a cure that seems not in the plan of the almighty. Not today. Because we know the almighty is capable. We know he loves us. So neither of those is the issue. The issue is obviously that I expected that those two things meant something measurable in the real world. Perhaps it does, but not today.
Today I just want to know when poverty and hopelessness is bad enough we can call it a lost cause and move on. If I'm not worth investing in that's fine, let me die then. Let me go if there isn't any gain in caring for me. I certainly don't see anything personal in that. If I'm not worth it, that's just math. There must be others more worthy of what little I have. Wouldn't it be mercy enough to let me go? Doesn't he have the grace to allow me to pass on? I don't know. I'm not a theologian. I'm just a grunt waiting for orders, orders that probably won't ever come.

More fuming.

 It is not the business of God to satisfy our every whim. He does however say he has a plan for us, which brings me to my current issue: If he leads us through trials that we might be refined, to what purpose is he refining us?
Is it his desire that we be constantly refined? Are the trials a sort of Sisyphusian task in which the metaphorical rock rolls to the bottom of the hill so we can push it up again?
How does agony play into the image of a loving and good God?
Perhaps it is our fallen nature that cannot understand the massive nature of God's plan. Maybe our trials serve some undocumented purpose.
However from a philosophical position it seems a conveniently unassailable position to say "if you suffer it is for the betterment of the kingdom." The same is said of waiting on the answers to prayer. We are told God will answer in his timing and it too will be good. It may indeed be! However we may pass away even this very moment. If such event were to happen, what may be said of the so called "promise"? Was it misinterpreted?
I keep running into this problem with an infallible God. He cannot be called to account when he appears apathetic to our desires. If he does something it is ipso facto correct. Which makes a realistic relationship difficult. Every fight I have with him he wins. In fact he cannot lose. Yet he repeatedly calls us to lay our cares upon him. To what end? So he can put off tending to them?

No, that is a sincere question.

"God is opposed to the proud." Indeed. It would seem he is opposed to the very free thinking people he created.

It just pisses me off to serve such a piss poor philosophy. I have read multiple existential books that make total sense logically and practically. Yet here I am dealing with the only true living deity and I am forced to contend with foolish ideology and shallow arguments.

I cannot deny that there is a God, I've met him, he lives in me. Yet when I try to reconcile the realities of faith with my developing philosophical framework I am set to a difficult task. Christians aren't called to think. They read the same verses, over and over, year after year. God has a TON to say about how we should individually conduct ourselves. We are expected to hold to this conduct as best we can. Yet we fail. And he fails repeatedly to uphold his end.
It is as this: you meet a man and he says "Bring me a cup from my cabinet and I will fill it with satisfying coffee" And that you do. The coffee instead falls through a hole in the bottom of the cup. The coffee scalds you. "Ow" you say, "You hurt me". He replies "I did not, you brought me a broken cup."
Then, when you explain how he is at the very least indirectly responsible he replies "No, you don't understand the coffee, or the cup for that matter. See, I needed you to pick that cup. You needed to be scalded. It is all for tasty satisfying coffee."

Did that make any sense? It did if you have EVER had a true burning desire that he held back. It is agony. Wouldn't it be better had he never placed the desire? Or if he would BURN THE DESIRE AWAY. It is a cancer, eating at the very soul. The doctor, however, and there is only one, says that the cure is to live with the pain. Some doctor! Some cure! (Reference to God Bless you Mr Rosewater.)

It is not even clear if to want anything is compatible with devotion to the almighty. It appears that we are to remove desire, remove pride and remove even self interest. In fact why should we eat? Eating is a carnal pleasure, giving in to our weak desire to stuff our faces. Truly the very holy are starving. Why mate or have children? Are not mates a declaration to the world that we are worthy of mating with? Are not children evidence of our skills as a parent? What vanity! Truly, the very holy deny their genetalia.
Why breath? To taste the air is to enjoy life, and joy it would appear has no place in a holy man. Truly, the very holy are dead.

Again I come back to, not that my anger is spent, why does God create such people in the first place? I asked the internet, does he enjoy my suffering?
Definitely not. He is compassionate. He loves me (paradox). It "goes against the grain of his heart". Now isn't that an interesting phrase. He actually suffers to allow us to suffer.
It is the classical Epicurian Trilemma:

If God is unable to prevent evil, then he is not all-powerful.
If God is not willing to prevent evil, then he is not all-good.
If God is both willing and able to prevent evil, then why does evil exist?

Now we all know the basic answers:
Free will
To develop us into better servants.

Yet I add a further layer to the pie: evil is not perfect. Evil is not in fact the perfect counterbalance to good.  Evil is a reaction to good, but good is not a reaction to evil. God being the beginning of all means that things have been done in a non reactionary way. In the creation story God created sea creatures. Why? Humans are not naturally capable water hunters. It did not fill some great gap. He just created, pure and complete (we won't talk about time periods or how). Why did he create the tree of good and evil and the tree of life? I do not know. I do however know that it wasn't because Satan had deforested the area first. Life came first. Death is unnatural. Which seems to bother some people. "Isn't death essential to evolution?" Nope. There is more space in the universe than there is life to fill it. Therefor overpopulation would not be a problem even if no living thing in history had ever died.
Mutation doesn't need death.

Yet how is it that Evil which is incomplete and not a counterbalance is allowed such total dominion? Further it is actually apologized for, explained, held up as a path to holy! If God cannot be evil, then though he may use what he's got he doesn't need to torture us to develop his plans. Check the manual, most film manufacturers create film they can develop apart from anyone else. They don't create film which requires a here-to-for unknown tertiary process. God created humans before evil came into the world. Therefor the holy purpose existed then as well. Therefor he wouldn't have started a project he could not complete without the snake business.

I don't mind that evil exists, I mind that God remains distant from the seeker. "Seek and you shall find" but there is no timetable. Worse, he seems so certain. Doesn't it bother anyone else that he knows how he's going to unshackle you, but doesn't even tell you? I keep returning to the coffee. It makes no sense from human perspective, and seeking out his perspective appears futile as I am in.... year 15 of THAT.

It isn't an issue of humility either, now that I come to it, because I told him I would love for him to have a better idea, and his ideas are by nature better than mine. I don't believe his better idea is this. He's good, and this.... has it's moments, but it isn't good. It is me and him making the best of it. Making the best of it is fine for a time, but I would prefer it not be my theme. It isn't the theme of the ruler to make the best of the plots of the rebellion. Lincoln didn't say "well the south is starting a war, but look on the bright side: the value of all those northern munitions plants is going to skyrocket!" He didn't sit and deal with it, he organized a strategy to destroy and demoralize the enemy. If a mere man may do such, what must a perfect being do to his enemies?

Alright, trying to stop again.

Petty problems

I don't want to complain. Today was nice enough. I'm just sick of putting up with one petty distraction after another.
As I absorb more good source material, from Asimov to Niven, I crave to create. I dream of working out great projects. Philosophy texts, novels, sculptures, maybe even amazing works of political science. Yet what am I occupied with? Not with noble tasks, not even with worthy obstacles (which would be more welcome due to their verification of the importance of the work). No, my life is filled with petty distractions.
I live in the shadows of powerful men who at the same time have no more imagination than my cat. It bothers me that interesting work isn't being done more than that I'm not doing it. The tasks are out there to be completed, as they have sprung into my mind fully formed and ready to have capable hands set to them.
*sigh* Who am I to judge? Could it be that I completely don't understand the nature of the grand plan?
Perhaps it is not as I thought, to display the splendor and majesty of his creation. Perhaps there is some purpose in this grey continuum. I understand that stability and even dullness must be tolerated in some areas. For what purpose is countless light years of nearly complete void if not to make the stars more grand?
Would dawn be so beautiful if the night were not so steadily dark?
Yet it is in a Taoist paradox I fit because the night is not total. That is to say everyone isn't living in a persistent world of grey terror. No, others achieve stability in uplifting areas, and thus have option to seek exciting goals.
Is it wrong to want exciting goals?
I have often wondered recently if the call of humility includes a call to ordinariness.
Yet again we find a paradox because why would a good God create a man so unsuited to his task? Would you create a sports car to ferry large groups of children? Or should a bus ferry one man and his dog to the beach? It is not so! With that logic as foundation would it not seem plausible that a man created to stand apart, a man with different motivations than others has purpose more interesting?

I ask not only for myself but for understanding of heavenly reason. For his ways are higher than ours, therefor his reasoning is superior. Indeed he is the alpha and omega, his reasoning isn't JUST superior, it is the final word on the matter.

Yet if we were to take certain things as fact, we must find inconsistencies.

I can't for the life of me find a church document that says anything about how God should act. I thought there would be an error in the creed. There isn't. I thought if I looked up the doctrine of my early teachings in Methodism I would find error. I did not.

So it appears that God does not contradict himself. He merely contradicts what I had hoped for him. Of course I am aware of the classic temptation of grief:
Man says "I am in pain. Oh Lord if you love me you would take it away."
Men of faith and the Lord reply: "Lay your cares on the Lord and you shall have peace"
Man interprets "God has interest in what bothers me, he will save me."
Then, as often happens, God doesn't perform as expected. The pain is not removed, or not for some time. By the time God removes the pain bitterness has set in. The wound has become infected. So even strong men are lost.

Yet I struggle with my desires. I had hoped.... for more. When I chose not to die, not once but many times, I believed he had work for me to do. I do not doubt his plan. I do not doubt his ability. It is who I am that I am unsure of.

Who am I?
Am I more than just what I appear today? Do my deep wells of interests and abilities hold any purpose beyond my own amusement?

Every time I ask questions about his plans I keep coming back to scriptures encouraging those who wait. I think in my heart I struggle with submission. The gift I struggle most to give him is my youth, my hope, my passion. I'm not saying I'm not passionate about following him. Well, perhaps I am.

I don't see how to give him my youth any more than he already has it. He has owned me for decades. He fit me into his plan before I was even conceived, possibly before even my parent's were conceived.

How can submission mean destroying what I understand to be me? How many times do I have to die to who I am until he is satisfied?

I realize now that my dreams have always focused on one level or another around myself. Frankly apart from serving my master (in this case God), I have no other complete loves. I cannot ever love a woman entirely. I lost the trick for loving someone so much that their loss would shatter my soul. Apart from God I will survive. I desire a long life, as long as I can get. That means saying goodbye to friends met along the way.

I don't know how to love a human with my true heart. I can love them partially, even very much to the point losing them would cause me pain. It would not shatter me though. Which is why it centers around my mind, my life, even my body. If the lord so called me I would destroy them all, and as I say that I'm reminded of a thought I had earlier as I contemplated my lack of purpose in his plan:
"If he doesn't have a use for me, perhaps I can at last cease to be. I have no purpose but his, and if he doesn't need me, I certainly don't."

Do you understand what I am saying? Apart from him I am nothing. I can be nothing but which I am. I must even if I pretend for a time to be something other remain the same man under the skin.

Maybe that's the answer. Maybe even though I pretend to be down and out, though I wear a disguise of a lost and lonely man, I remain who I was on course to be before. Can you really destroy gold? Yes, you can melt it down. You may pound it into shape. You may even scatter it or dilute it. Yet gold it remains.

How I wish I were as dispassionate, as cold and as unchanging as gold. For even when men use it to evil, it does not know. It does not feel. It does not question why someone spray paints it flat black and makes a doorstop out of it when it was early on a ring, hoping to someday be a crown.

The thing that hurts most is the reality of his goodness in contrast with the pain of unknowing. Tonight might be the last I hurt of this wound. Today may be my last lived with the shame I cannot shake. Even now he may lift me out, set me right and restore my honor.

Again I have to wonder if humility means a life without honor.  Our God himself didn't seem impressed by honor when he visited our planet. He spit in the face of those who believed themselves holy. He dined with thieves and prostitutes.

I don't know. The heart of honor is to do what is right regardless of the outer world. Is that not what being subject to the Holy Spirit must begin as? We are instructed to not act right out of expectation of reward, and that is honor as well.

Perhaps honor isn't the same thing in this century that it was. Maybe it's a romantic custom lost on our modern world. My habits of honor don't seem to make sense to others. Why do what is right if it leads to destruction? Why do your best when a half assed job will do? Because honor is a gift a man gives himself. I don't adhere to my virtue out of service to any apart from me and God. God usually doesn't say much about it.

It remains a mystery to me why I feel I am acting out of character. I don't live in the class this personality developed in. Even there I didn't fit. But I fit better there than I do here.

I see no conclusion. Either he wishes me to leave my dream and chase something else, or wait. I can't say I'm thrilled with either option. As I have said before, I don't think how I feel fits into it too much.

I am interested by the phrasing "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not to hurt you."
Which me does he mean by this? In the letter he is speaking to many, which is technically "you-all."
Does he mean my body? Does he have a plan to put my hand where it needs to be in a critical moment, and my brain, heart and soul are just along for the ride?

Does he imply my mind? Am I going to solve some problem for him?

Does he mean my soul? He certainly has a plan for it. He has ownership over it in this free will stage by my choice. Further after death he will take this of me somewhere else.

Or is it just a scripture directed at the exiles? He did have a plan there, to return them to Israel, then exile them again, only to bring his only son.

I don't pretend to understand. There is a reasoning here, and it can be understood. Everything can be understood at some point.

I don't know when

My empathy faded but my kindness didn’t
I stopped feeling everyone else’s pain, I stopped even feeling mine
We’re all screwed up
We all fall short of perfect one time or another
I don’t see how me feeling awful for you lightens your load
I’m sorry though, sorry this is the world we live in
One day it won’t be, things will get better.
Things are already better, I made it through one more day.
Hey, so did you! Party! Was it awesome? If not, then be glad it’s over. If so be glad it happened.
Every bad day is one less you have to get through, every awesome moment is proof there is more to life than just the same old shit.
Dr. Seuss said it well: “Today was nice, today was fun. Tomorrow is another one”
I hope another one will be awesome.

In the end that’s what we have, hope and dreams. Someday I hope that my dreams are realities, and my hopes are to make other people believe in their dreams.
I may feel old, and I may be tired. Yet I still feel like a little kid. I still like to search for the best in this tired old world.
There will always be horseshit, but that comes with horses. You don’t have to smell it, personally I just scrape it off. Surprisingly the mud and the gunk just brings moisture to my skin and strength to my muscles. I couldn’t pay for a better spa treatment. 
And the flowers smell so much better when you get out of the mud.