if I did anything right this would be the shortest post in the history of my blog

alright.... so.... I had a great day today. So why can't I sleep? seriously, what's going on? I don't know personally, but I can't stand it. If I have any success at all with all my trying to rest this will be a mercifully short post, but don't get your hopes up. It's been a good week for God and me, he dragged me to church and it wasn't too bad. Not to even get into that every day since he has had some involvement in my life. So that's just.... great. I'm not trying to downplay the greatness, but I don't fully understand how I can have this level of communication with god and still... not have solutions to some really big problems. Right now for instance, I'm pretty sure God is hanging out with me... yet I feel utterly empty and alone. Not in a kill myself mood because God shot me full of happy all day, and who would have wanted to miss that? and not even that sad considering that I'm really excited about some projects I get to do when I wake up at dawn... in two hours... if my body doesn't act like a jerk again. I could go on about what he's not doing, or as the christian me wants to put "What he hasn't finished working on yet". You ever want to slap yourself for being so smarmy? I sure do. I'm just..... unsure what would make me any happier. I'm going back to school.... I think I'll probably get to keep my house... little worried about that if you want the truth. finally reached a point that alone is...... ok, I guess. Or where I'm ready to wait for her. Really progressing spiritually. but..... as always in my life, something has to suffer. At the moment it's me. I'm having trouble trying to keep the balance in my brain. How can I keep my faith strong when there are so many problems under the surface, and all we've done is paved over them with temporary happiness and optimism? I could be setting myself up for a fall. I don't get high very much anymore. I haven't been on a date in months... by my choice I guess. I wanted to be with Rachel. Still do. just thinking about.... her... that time when everything was working... I had so much to look forward to... or so I thought. Then there are these truth lovers who want me to live with facts. Facts and Love don't go together. Pick one that you like. If I faced facts... and had early on... I wouldn't have given her a chance. Knowing.... everything I now know and worry about, why on EARTH would I have started to fall for someone who I hadn't met yet.
I call you back to what it says in Cat's Cradle:
A Lover's a liar, to himself he lies
the truthful are loveless, like oysters their eyes

So my path is obvious... I must remember her as... inspiring, wonderful, everything I hoped for, and for whatever twist of fate reason, it hasn't happened yet. Ironically in this week I've been working on that point of view for all of life's little "dissappointments". I'm ordinarily a pretty cynical bitter man about where people have failed me, I think I'm pretty open about that fault. Because sometimes being bitter is funny. that's really the only good reason I have. When I look at what certain people did me.... I don't want to go there anymore. The past is the past. They did what they did. I can't undo it. It doesn't change the results... not even at all. All my forgiveness does is to say "I'm willing to see that they are wrong, and admit that it is a fundimental failure of their humanity, and try and love them(or stand the fact of their existance), regardless of said failure. They no longer have to answer to me for their crimes." That doesn't mean they won't be judged. That doesn't mean their path won't lead wherever it leads.
Lindsay..... I loved her as much as I was capable. She brought joy to my heart, I was happy to be part of her life, for however long it was. She made decisions that made it clear that she no longer respected me, and that she had never understood the fundamental core of who I am. She loved a part of me, a role I chose to take, a mask but also someone I really was. I'm not him anymore. He died. She was responsible for that. No one else. She's a broken human being, and in a way the woman I loved is dead. I've spent my time mourning her, and I'm sure from time I'll still be sad of her passing.
As to the other man, boy. He's just another in a long line of male persons who has failed to deserve my trust. He acted childishly and does not deserve the mantel of manhood, but there is nothing I can do. I did the right thing in every chance I had. He reacted to my pain in a very... human and broken way. I'm not his judge. He has hurt many others over longer durations and much worse than I am. My pride was hurt it's true. But I learned some lessons.
Overall I forgive them. Hatred doesn't have to control my life.
I think this is starting to work, if it doesn't I might be back with more.

Memory

Lately I've been spending much of my time thinking, and the net result is that I've scaled back my dating to checking my email, perhaps checking personals, but rarely responding. And of course if I do respond it's not in high enough volume to make anything happen. It's purely reflex at this point. My belief in my romantic life has evaporated. Which is I suppose a good thing, it sucked up so much time and for what result? A date every now and then? Sex? Ugh, windows is making my comp redline. I'll reboot into ubuntu. *sigh* this is what I get.
So, back in windows because nothing else will boot. This is my main frustration right now, I want to hold on to what pleasures I have, and a good portion of those involve my computer (or other electronics), and my computer keeps buzzing for no reason, it's worrying.
So, today I redid my computer area, just to protect the delicate little flower that is my computer. And in the process I found a romance scrapbook from my marriage. And so I read it. I miss... that. I miss being in love. I miss feeling something, being something. I miss having someone care, more specifically I miss the way she made me feel. So I just sit here and remember what was, with full knowledge that it's unlikely to happen again. That's ok I suppose, some things are just for a time. High school for example. Perhaps marriage/love/romance is like that for me. Who knows. I sure don't. All I know is it seems very unlikely to happen again as I no longer feel capable and I doubt there is someone both willing and able to make me love again.  There are no doubt in my mind that either condition can exist independently. There are women whom I could love, but they are either uninterested in the concept or incapable of executing it. Similarly there are women who might show interest in me, however for whatever reason I do not find them attractive. So there we are. I have no idea what next.