I just spent the last hour reading all the articles sparked by the recent shooting.
Let me do a quick recap for those of you not keeping up with the current situation (unless you are ignoring it, in which case stop reading! Save yourself from this very irrelevant and pointless event that will never in the least effect you.)
A few days ago a young man posted a video rant on youtube about his views on women. Then he went out and killed some people. Finally he killed himself. Then the internet went fucking nuts. Some guys decided to defend the killer saying that this is justice. Those are trolls, don't pay attention to that. Then feminists pointed out that men need to grow up. Again, painting with a wide brush on a very specific person and their personal problems. Finally, some other men tried to assert that not all men are like that, and as always received the attack that they "don't get it".
Which brings it back to my personal reaction: Pity and compassion.
First of all as I always react to mass shootings: This is a senseless tragedy, and nothing I can say will bring back the people that died. It will be many years of pain for those directly connected. It will be probably another month or two before the news media gets over it and moves on to whatever is next. This being an election year it will probably be something stupid a politician says. Or a celebrity wedding, or death.
Now I come to talking about the myth of the nice guy. I will very shortly discuss my personal experience with this archetype. The nice guy is what some men want to believe they are, at a certain point in their romantic life cycle. I can't speak to anyone else's experience, only my own.
Seven or eight years ago I was less romantically experienced than I am now. I was a nerdy virgin. I was, at the time, committed to waiting until marriage to have sex. It was a cultural thing. I finally broke it off with the easy girl I was making out with at the time. Then I set my sights on a certain young lady. To me this young lady represented everything a woman should be. I assumed that if I could just show her how I felt, something would happen. After pining over her for months, I revealed my feelings, and she bluntly expressed her total lack of interest. So I sunk into total despair. Somewhere in there I found another woman, eventually married her, and I've already talked about how that ended.
When I came out of that marriage I realized a few things. One of them was that I was attractive enough for woman to want to sleep with. Another was that I love myself. The final thing I learned is that attraction is not love. Love isn't even love, if that makes sense. Because this mystical substance that we ascribe the title of love does not exist. Despite what movies or culture may say there is not a magical substance that makes women like men. Unless that substance is hormones and mating instinct. Perhaps confidence is as close as I can come to how to make women want you. The key word there is women, not woman. Making a single woman keep wanting you is a finely defined art, and not the point.
The point is that I realized how much of the problem was me. I realized that I could never be "deserving" of love, any more than a woman could be "deserving" of my affection. Affection just happens. The solution isn't going on a rant about the injustice of the world, of which there is much. The likes of internet bloggers aren't going to solve that. For me it will begin and end with informing men that they don't need the love of that "perfect" woman to be worthwhile. That will never satisfy because romance isn't supposed to make life worth it.
Like a drug addict always chasing a high a man can waste his years trying to find meaning in what is after all only sex. It does feel quite good and I endorse it heavily as a human need. It is however a human need that we can cause ourselves much angst trying to fulfill.
Finally, women are to be respected and cared about, regardless of their personal attractions. They are people, and have the right to defend themselves. They deserve every bit as much as anyone else. Our society is trying to objectify people in general. Making broad generalizations won't fix that, standing up for each other might. One day at a time.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Introspective reflection
I realize now more than I have for some time how I must look inwards to find answers to my unhappiness. My previous attempts to understand my pain as it has been caused by others has proven fruitless indeed.
I am sober, more so than I have been in the last four years. My explorations of drugs and alcohol have not satisfied my soul and I find concern for my inner person fills me. I worry that I have numbed myself to the true questioning and yearnings of my soul. Of course the fact that I can observe my soul's yearning at all says that I have not lost touch. The holy spirit is unavoidable to all those that have surrendered to it's will, and God tugs me ever onward towards further perfection.
I am struck at once with both the relative injustice of the world, and the fact that I seem more insulated from it than I deserve to me. It's unsettling to realize I am blessed beyond my deserving (though hopefully not beyond my calling). It has been my hope that after much searching I could find a way to create a kinder world, because that seems the only logic in my blessed life that I was given so much for a reason. This is a very Christian ideal, that the blessed are chosen.
It is pervasive in this land of inequality that religion is that which numbs us to inequality and yet at the same time points out our gluttony and sinful nature. I do not mean sin as in an adherence to a set of rules and laws. I mean as a straying from the will of God. I cannot speak for anyone else. It only appears that I have not done all I can to seek him and be grateful for what he has provided.
This is to contrast with my feelings that all is not right with my life. My dreams seem far too big for my abilities, and I struggle with how God might regard my desires. The scripture would seem to be both simple in the extreme and yet beyond my meager understanding. I am compelled to come to him as a child, trusting wholly in his will and goodness. Yet I am haunted by the deeper meanings and more convoluted spiritual facts of my existence.
Am I really to bring to him all my desires, pains, and to expect him to care? That contrasts so much with the reality of how divergent my life is from that which I dream about (literally and figuratively). I might compare my life to slavery, as the society and rules I must abide by do not give me any happiness or even contentment. I am at once driven to humility by my circumstances and grandiose thinking by the idea of a God who wishes to not only fulfill me but fill me to overflowing with joy. It is not enough for me to lower myself to a level that I take the simple facts of my existence as supernatural blessing. I desire a faith that is bigger than the humble circumstances I currently live in. If God's greatness is only that I might completely debase my lifestyle and bow to the world's grinding forces then I would not be serving a great or all powerful God.
No! I do not submit myself to self pity, or defeatist language and thoughts. I wait with great expectation on God's move. As Daniel said (paraphrasing) 'We will not bow to your God, for our God will surely save us. But even if he doesn't, he will still be God and worthy of praise.' My love for him and my trust in him is not found in what he will do for me. God is not some sugar daddy to satisfy my lusts and gluttony. God is so much more. I hope though there is no evidence, and I dream even when faith is weak and suffering is great.
As ever I am uncertain. Will I see the glory and power of the Lord or will I speak to that which I will not see this side of mortality? The questions I have don't have answers because only one has the answer. It is not something men can know completely. I believe and stand in my faith, holding on to peace though all I find around me is destruction and fear. Fear is the enemy of faith. These two things can't live in the same person. I think I'm having a very human problem. David fought fear constantly during the time he was being chased. Yet God redeemed him. Even Christ, the son of God, begged to not have to face the onslaught ahead of him. Yet the Jesus that returned from the dead was full of confident assurance, as he had been through the painful part and came out the other side redeemed.
I think the peace in the storm I have now is one sort of thing. The mercy and grace that comes from hope and faith rewarded is something else entirely. My mind comes back to a prediction by one of the companions of Job as he was in anguish. "As humble as your beginnings were, so prosperous will your future be." It is my dream of ideal that as great as the pain I have lived with has been, so much better it will be when God's blessings arrive.
-----------
I come back to how blessed I am now. I have food, though I am not that hungry lately. The one thing I usually long for is a beverage I have worked towards perfection. It consists of half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a serving of honey. Today I am trying a little rum in it, and it is good. I am trying to find goodness in all things. I heard something on the radio about how we cannot escape our nature to sin. This person said they were attempting to find some good even in their sin. I think that's what I want. So even though my lust and gluttony may never be overcome, I must find some good in them.
I have a roof over my head, and it as well is good. I have two people who care for me and live with me. I have the joy of experiencing the sweetness and yet demanding nature of a small child. I have my books, and I have games to play. Today I got news that I will likely be employed soon. It is my desire to find joy in that, despite that I wanted different work. It's only for now, and the pay will push me towards the goal of moving to a better place.
Step by step I move myself on the journey I am on. I don't know how many steps it will take to get to where I am going. All I can do is make the best I can with what I am given. I'm not giving up, and my faith will not let go of the concept of a God larger than the forces in this world that oppress me. One day I might find a community that satisfies me. One day, well I can dream. The story isn't over, not as long as I have breath. Even though the storm threatens to destroy me, as long as I live God can still calm the storm, and lead me to his promised place.
I am sober, more so than I have been in the last four years. My explorations of drugs and alcohol have not satisfied my soul and I find concern for my inner person fills me. I worry that I have numbed myself to the true questioning and yearnings of my soul. Of course the fact that I can observe my soul's yearning at all says that I have not lost touch. The holy spirit is unavoidable to all those that have surrendered to it's will, and God tugs me ever onward towards further perfection.
I am struck at once with both the relative injustice of the world, and the fact that I seem more insulated from it than I deserve to me. It's unsettling to realize I am blessed beyond my deserving (though hopefully not beyond my calling). It has been my hope that after much searching I could find a way to create a kinder world, because that seems the only logic in my blessed life that I was given so much for a reason. This is a very Christian ideal, that the blessed are chosen.
It is pervasive in this land of inequality that religion is that which numbs us to inequality and yet at the same time points out our gluttony and sinful nature. I do not mean sin as in an adherence to a set of rules and laws. I mean as a straying from the will of God. I cannot speak for anyone else. It only appears that I have not done all I can to seek him and be grateful for what he has provided.
This is to contrast with my feelings that all is not right with my life. My dreams seem far too big for my abilities, and I struggle with how God might regard my desires. The scripture would seem to be both simple in the extreme and yet beyond my meager understanding. I am compelled to come to him as a child, trusting wholly in his will and goodness. Yet I am haunted by the deeper meanings and more convoluted spiritual facts of my existence.
Am I really to bring to him all my desires, pains, and to expect him to care? That contrasts so much with the reality of how divergent my life is from that which I dream about (literally and figuratively). I might compare my life to slavery, as the society and rules I must abide by do not give me any happiness or even contentment. I am at once driven to humility by my circumstances and grandiose thinking by the idea of a God who wishes to not only fulfill me but fill me to overflowing with joy. It is not enough for me to lower myself to a level that I take the simple facts of my existence as supernatural blessing. I desire a faith that is bigger than the humble circumstances I currently live in. If God's greatness is only that I might completely debase my lifestyle and bow to the world's grinding forces then I would not be serving a great or all powerful God.
No! I do not submit myself to self pity, or defeatist language and thoughts. I wait with great expectation on God's move. As Daniel said (paraphrasing) 'We will not bow to your God, for our God will surely save us. But even if he doesn't, he will still be God and worthy of praise.' My love for him and my trust in him is not found in what he will do for me. God is not some sugar daddy to satisfy my lusts and gluttony. God is so much more. I hope though there is no evidence, and I dream even when faith is weak and suffering is great.
As ever I am uncertain. Will I see the glory and power of the Lord or will I speak to that which I will not see this side of mortality? The questions I have don't have answers because only one has the answer. It is not something men can know completely. I believe and stand in my faith, holding on to peace though all I find around me is destruction and fear. Fear is the enemy of faith. These two things can't live in the same person. I think I'm having a very human problem. David fought fear constantly during the time he was being chased. Yet God redeemed him. Even Christ, the son of God, begged to not have to face the onslaught ahead of him. Yet the Jesus that returned from the dead was full of confident assurance, as he had been through the painful part and came out the other side redeemed.
I think the peace in the storm I have now is one sort of thing. The mercy and grace that comes from hope and faith rewarded is something else entirely. My mind comes back to a prediction by one of the companions of Job as he was in anguish. "As humble as your beginnings were, so prosperous will your future be." It is my dream of ideal that as great as the pain I have lived with has been, so much better it will be when God's blessings arrive.
-----------
I come back to how blessed I am now. I have food, though I am not that hungry lately. The one thing I usually long for is a beverage I have worked towards perfection. It consists of half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a serving of honey. Today I am trying a little rum in it, and it is good. I am trying to find goodness in all things. I heard something on the radio about how we cannot escape our nature to sin. This person said they were attempting to find some good even in their sin. I think that's what I want. So even though my lust and gluttony may never be overcome, I must find some good in them.
I have a roof over my head, and it as well is good. I have two people who care for me and live with me. I have the joy of experiencing the sweetness and yet demanding nature of a small child. I have my books, and I have games to play. Today I got news that I will likely be employed soon. It is my desire to find joy in that, despite that I wanted different work. It's only for now, and the pay will push me towards the goal of moving to a better place.
Step by step I move myself on the journey I am on. I don't know how many steps it will take to get to where I am going. All I can do is make the best I can with what I am given. I'm not giving up, and my faith will not let go of the concept of a God larger than the forces in this world that oppress me. One day I might find a community that satisfies me. One day, well I can dream. The story isn't over, not as long as I have breath. Even though the storm threatens to destroy me, as long as I live God can still calm the storm, and lead me to his promised place.
Friday, May 9, 2014
realization
So I was writing for tumblr (http://cynicalviking.tumblr.com/)
Then I realized that for the past.... I don't know... two or three years, I've been trying to prepare for another death.
This pretty much sums up the Max approach to pain: Ow, that hurt. How can I make sure it never hurts again, and if it does I'm prepped.
Blame the Boy Scout in me, because when I see something terrible I start working on insulating myself from it. Divorce and depression are amazingly hard to insulate against. When I was 22 (2010) I sunk into a deep depression funk over my divorce. For a year and a half I slept, jerked off, and did drugs. Essentially I was dead for almost two years, and it was a wonderful escape from the world. I saw what I really needed to survive having my very existence removed. I learned that things don't last.
The best metaphor I have is if you got into a car wreck, but instead of the airbag saving you the entire car was sucked into another universe and your body hits the freeway at 75 miles an hour. Then you crawl into a cave, occasionally crawling out to eat berries like a wild raccoon. That's what divorce is like for me.
So I don't know what other bad shit is out there, because I could not understand what happened to me before it happened, but the cave and berries saved me. So I'm looking for a cave that will last and to plant some berry bushes. Until I manage that, I can't really build anything.
Then I realized that for the past.... I don't know... two or three years, I've been trying to prepare for another death.
This pretty much sums up the Max approach to pain: Ow, that hurt. How can I make sure it never hurts again, and if it does I'm prepped.
Blame the Boy Scout in me, because when I see something terrible I start working on insulating myself from it. Divorce and depression are amazingly hard to insulate against. When I was 22 (2010) I sunk into a deep depression funk over my divorce. For a year and a half I slept, jerked off, and did drugs. Essentially I was dead for almost two years, and it was a wonderful escape from the world. I saw what I really needed to survive having my very existence removed. I learned that things don't last.
The best metaphor I have is if you got into a car wreck, but instead of the airbag saving you the entire car was sucked into another universe and your body hits the freeway at 75 miles an hour. Then you crawl into a cave, occasionally crawling out to eat berries like a wild raccoon. That's what divorce is like for me.
So I don't know what other bad shit is out there, because I could not understand what happened to me before it happened, but the cave and berries saved me. So I'm looking for a cave that will last and to plant some berry bushes. Until I manage that, I can't really build anything.
Ambition and depression
So it seems like pretty much a constant that as soon as ambition rears it's head in my life so do these great wall of obstacles.
I'm trying to work up to moving out of this assbag state...... but right now I need a job to hold down the stuff, I'd like to pay off my debt.... fix my credit...... etc..... ect...... then people ask me why I'm depressed.
It's because even an okay life seems like shooting pretty damn high. I mean this really bothers me that I have this fucking huge 5 million dollar dream, and then I'm like "How about the middle of a couple hundred thousand" life is like "Denied"
No, this isn't formatted well, I'm having a weird day. Back off, eventually I'll get back to beautiful formatting again. For now, it's a good thing I'm even trying to write. I get all these ambitious writing ideas, like I'm planning to write an autobiography, and I still have my novel to finish, and it's just FUCK..... right, if I have energy I need to be fixing shit, and working hard and all this. Then I do something for myself and feel like a complete assbag. Then I ask God to pick up the slack, because it's been 4 years waiting for him to move..... no one has ANY answers about why that hasn't happened.
Let's talk about nothing is too big for God. It seems the opposite is the case in my life, it seems like EVERYTHING is too big for God. I have/had this book called 10 prayers God "always" answers (my quotation marks). I remember two of them were "God show me you exist"....... been praying that for three months. Another was "God outdo me in generousity", been waiting a year on that one. Seriously, Does he do anything consistantly? I don't know. I mean I would say (because I'm pissed) that he consistantly makes me feel insignifigant and worthless, but then he knows how to just pull things together and give me just enough hope not to blow a hole in my fucking head.
Biggest regret? Not buying a gun with the money I had at the time of my divorce, killing her then killing myself. Oh I know that sounds bad, given that she's had a baby with a new man and started a new life, but at least then there would be some justice in this world. I think in my pain I might have been forgiven. Now of course I'm too healed to get away with stupid shit like that. Of course it seems pretty likely that I'll kill myself, that bothers everyone but..... pray to stop it? I don't know, the book says that he responds to the fervent prayers of a rightous man. So either my prayers aren't fervent or I'm not rightous.... or he hasn't responded yet. Damn it. I can't shake the feeling that he's probably still going to do what he said he would.
That's not comfort. Not when he's been saying he's going to do something for years now. There are two things I know about him. He is good, meaning he can't directly hurt me. The way my mentor and spiritual leaders put it he's always working for my good, and I'll be on that when life stops making me want to deep throat a gun.
The other is that he's honest/faithful. He doesn't make idle promises. So in theological theory that means he'll do what he says. Essentially this is like I have a contract that says I own my house, which has equity on paper of over 10k. This means nothing to me in the real world until I sell. God being honest/faithful/good means really not much at all until that actually shows up in my life.
I don't care about on paper, this is why I fail at the high sciences, because what exists in abstract doesn't help me when I'm tired, hungry, and impatient for life to work again. When? How? Will he really provide me the desires of my heart? Or will the depression win before he gets around to saving me?
No one but God knows, and I suspect no one but him cares.
I'm trying to work up to moving out of this assbag state...... but right now I need a job to hold down the stuff, I'd like to pay off my debt.... fix my credit...... etc..... ect...... then people ask me why I'm depressed.
It's because even an okay life seems like shooting pretty damn high. I mean this really bothers me that I have this fucking huge 5 million dollar dream, and then I'm like "How about the middle of a couple hundred thousand" life is like "Denied"
No, this isn't formatted well, I'm having a weird day. Back off, eventually I'll get back to beautiful formatting again. For now, it's a good thing I'm even trying to write. I get all these ambitious writing ideas, like I'm planning to write an autobiography, and I still have my novel to finish, and it's just FUCK..... right, if I have energy I need to be fixing shit, and working hard and all this. Then I do something for myself and feel like a complete assbag. Then I ask God to pick up the slack, because it's been 4 years waiting for him to move..... no one has ANY answers about why that hasn't happened.
Let's talk about nothing is too big for God. It seems the opposite is the case in my life, it seems like EVERYTHING is too big for God. I have/had this book called 10 prayers God "always" answers (my quotation marks). I remember two of them were "God show me you exist"....... been praying that for three months. Another was "God outdo me in generousity", been waiting a year on that one. Seriously, Does he do anything consistantly? I don't know. I mean I would say (because I'm pissed) that he consistantly makes me feel insignifigant and worthless, but then he knows how to just pull things together and give me just enough hope not to blow a hole in my fucking head.
Biggest regret? Not buying a gun with the money I had at the time of my divorce, killing her then killing myself. Oh I know that sounds bad, given that she's had a baby with a new man and started a new life, but at least then there would be some justice in this world. I think in my pain I might have been forgiven. Now of course I'm too healed to get away with stupid shit like that. Of course it seems pretty likely that I'll kill myself, that bothers everyone but..... pray to stop it? I don't know, the book says that he responds to the fervent prayers of a rightous man. So either my prayers aren't fervent or I'm not rightous.... or he hasn't responded yet. Damn it. I can't shake the feeling that he's probably still going to do what he said he would.
That's not comfort. Not when he's been saying he's going to do something for years now. There are two things I know about him. He is good, meaning he can't directly hurt me. The way my mentor and spiritual leaders put it he's always working for my good, and I'll be on that when life stops making me want to deep throat a gun.
The other is that he's honest/faithful. He doesn't make idle promises. So in theological theory that means he'll do what he says. Essentially this is like I have a contract that says I own my house, which has equity on paper of over 10k. This means nothing to me in the real world until I sell. God being honest/faithful/good means really not much at all until that actually shows up in my life.
I don't care about on paper, this is why I fail at the high sciences, because what exists in abstract doesn't help me when I'm tired, hungry, and impatient for life to work again. When? How? Will he really provide me the desires of my heart? Or will the depression win before he gets around to saving me?
No one but God knows, and I suspect no one but him cares.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
the end is not the end, there is yet more abyss
I'm not doing well. I seriously want solutions in a world that only wants to provide excuses. That's wrong. The world doesn't want anything. The world can't want anything, it's a large heavy object that we stick to. Wanting implies intelligence.
The people I meet and beg for answers provide excuses.
It's going to get better..... Ah the most common salve for my pain. As if you are introducing a thought I have never heard before. How original! Can you back that up? How many people have had cancer and just die? It does not have to get better. Nothing at all has to happen. If it did life would be deterministic. It would mean that somehow the universe progresses from the state it's in to the state it will be in and that those two relate to each other. My current viewpoint is that is not true. If there were rules to the system I could exploit it to free myself of my shackles..... I am not free yet because I have found no trend or rule that is sturdy enough to break these chains.
God will help...... I want to point out that again this is not original. This is the faith answer, and it is usually given by someone who has not spent night after night for years staring into the abyss, then begging God to pull them out. People who have faith that salvation is coming absolutely don't seem to be aware of the abyss.
The abyss as I define it is a large black spiritual void that those of us unfortunate enough to cross the wrong forces are cast into. The abyss might be hell, or it might be a special preview. In this place God's work and love do not exist in any kind of tangible way. It is agony beyond what I can find words for, and I personally would do anything to escape. I have begged, on hands and knees and in a consistent way for God to free me. It is not yet to be.
"Look! It's about to get better." Don't be fooled by the mirage of a new job, new relationship, new good thing. Nothing has roots until it lasts. A tree after all does not give fruit when it first peeks out of the soil. It is many weeks or years before I can rely on the fruit to be there. Of course that's all hypothetical. I wait yet for good. Not because I trust, because I am given no choice in the matter.
There is naturally a choice I just discounted. I could always die. That would be lovely. I don't know that it would be good.
It is staggering the amount of things I don't know.
---
I think my big issue is that when I speak to people about the hopelessness, the darkness, the abyss, they assume I don't believe in God. Not so. In fact I would have fewer issues with the abyss if there weren't a loving caring God. Having issues with darkness is really a light problem. Someone drowning doesn't really have a water problem, they have a breathing problem. Drowning really does sum up the way this thing works, because swimming doesn't fix drowning. It delays it, sure. But land stop drowning, air stops drowning, the pressure lessening on the chest and the body being allowed to do what it does best stops drowning.
Just because there is air doesn't mean drowning stops happening. Thinking air thoughts won't make the air easier to get in my lungs.
I wish it was easy to just say that I cast my heart on God, my pain, my impossible problems. It's not so easy. He doesn't see me. I scream and he preps the earplugs. I write him and he burns the letters. I read his scripture, invite him into my heart, and have given him everything.
None of this has brought me salvation. None of this has given me peace. All I have succeeded in is petitioning an all powerful God for help, and fallen flat. I ache, and it's not going away. What I asked him for even a year ago seems more impossible now than ever. It's a struggle because I really have learned more doubt than faith in this painful season. As my dreams become distant memories, I don't see how he could possibly love him. I can't stop seeking him, loving him, trying to reconcile, because that's not who I am.
I don't have clue who he is anymore, but I know who I am. I don't give up, even when it seems like everyone else has. If he had the kind of integrity, honor, or respect for me that I try to show him, it would be amazing to me. Because I have given more than I can afford to him, and then asked if he was capable of outdoing my generousity. It would appear I won that match, and I don't see how he ever could.
The thing is, he has his needs provided for, he has hope, and he does not have to be seperated from perfection. Pain is a distant memory for him. He cannot give more than he can afford to. I have yet to meet or hear of a multibillionaire who gave away more than he needed to eat. God controls all resources, meaning he is in control of something with more substance than money, the very essence of the universe itself. His energy, his power is beyond our imagination. That being the case, if I gave even just 10% of myself to him, the equal amount for him to give back would be more than the cumulative wealth of the planet. And he says he'll do more! This is a theological impossible silly thing, because he does so much less than even what I ask him. Meanwhile the scripture talks about how faithful he is. Well is he or isn't he? He must only be one way, God cannot sin....
I have searched for light and found dispair. I begged to find meaning and found humility in the total failing I have to make any sense out of life. I know how limited my resources are, and I knew that from the start or I wouldn't have brought larger than life problems and dreams to him, fully expecting him to be capable.
The amazing thing is that despite the hundreds of verses that speak of rewards for faith, I have received more pain than I could have bargained for. The enemy has had a much more active role in who I have become than God has, and I'm told that this is his will. Refined like Gold by God.............. What if I'm not the gold? because all I see are impurities. I do not see anything loved, or worthwhile, or blessed in my life. I see death, actually worse than that I see a life without any kind of mercy. The smallest mercy would be death, and the greatest would be a better life, yet I have been allowed neither, despite asking.
The people I meet and beg for answers provide excuses.
It's going to get better..... Ah the most common salve for my pain. As if you are introducing a thought I have never heard before. How original! Can you back that up? How many people have had cancer and just die? It does not have to get better. Nothing at all has to happen. If it did life would be deterministic. It would mean that somehow the universe progresses from the state it's in to the state it will be in and that those two relate to each other. My current viewpoint is that is not true. If there were rules to the system I could exploit it to free myself of my shackles..... I am not free yet because I have found no trend or rule that is sturdy enough to break these chains.
God will help...... I want to point out that again this is not original. This is the faith answer, and it is usually given by someone who has not spent night after night for years staring into the abyss, then begging God to pull them out. People who have faith that salvation is coming absolutely don't seem to be aware of the abyss.
The abyss as I define it is a large black spiritual void that those of us unfortunate enough to cross the wrong forces are cast into. The abyss might be hell, or it might be a special preview. In this place God's work and love do not exist in any kind of tangible way. It is agony beyond what I can find words for, and I personally would do anything to escape. I have begged, on hands and knees and in a consistent way for God to free me. It is not yet to be.
"Look! It's about to get better." Don't be fooled by the mirage of a new job, new relationship, new good thing. Nothing has roots until it lasts. A tree after all does not give fruit when it first peeks out of the soil. It is many weeks or years before I can rely on the fruit to be there. Of course that's all hypothetical. I wait yet for good. Not because I trust, because I am given no choice in the matter.
There is naturally a choice I just discounted. I could always die. That would be lovely. I don't know that it would be good.
It is staggering the amount of things I don't know.
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I think my big issue is that when I speak to people about the hopelessness, the darkness, the abyss, they assume I don't believe in God. Not so. In fact I would have fewer issues with the abyss if there weren't a loving caring God. Having issues with darkness is really a light problem. Someone drowning doesn't really have a water problem, they have a breathing problem. Drowning really does sum up the way this thing works, because swimming doesn't fix drowning. It delays it, sure. But land stop drowning, air stops drowning, the pressure lessening on the chest and the body being allowed to do what it does best stops drowning.
Just because there is air doesn't mean drowning stops happening. Thinking air thoughts won't make the air easier to get in my lungs.
I wish it was easy to just say that I cast my heart on God, my pain, my impossible problems. It's not so easy. He doesn't see me. I scream and he preps the earplugs. I write him and he burns the letters. I read his scripture, invite him into my heart, and have given him everything.
None of this has brought me salvation. None of this has given me peace. All I have succeeded in is petitioning an all powerful God for help, and fallen flat. I ache, and it's not going away. What I asked him for even a year ago seems more impossible now than ever. It's a struggle because I really have learned more doubt than faith in this painful season. As my dreams become distant memories, I don't see how he could possibly love him. I can't stop seeking him, loving him, trying to reconcile, because that's not who I am.
I don't have clue who he is anymore, but I know who I am. I don't give up, even when it seems like everyone else has. If he had the kind of integrity, honor, or respect for me that I try to show him, it would be amazing to me. Because I have given more than I can afford to him, and then asked if he was capable of outdoing my generousity. It would appear I won that match, and I don't see how he ever could.
The thing is, he has his needs provided for, he has hope, and he does not have to be seperated from perfection. Pain is a distant memory for him. He cannot give more than he can afford to. I have yet to meet or hear of a multibillionaire who gave away more than he needed to eat. God controls all resources, meaning he is in control of something with more substance than money, the very essence of the universe itself. His energy, his power is beyond our imagination. That being the case, if I gave even just 10% of myself to him, the equal amount for him to give back would be more than the cumulative wealth of the planet. And he says he'll do more! This is a theological impossible silly thing, because he does so much less than even what I ask him. Meanwhile the scripture talks about how faithful he is. Well is he or isn't he? He must only be one way, God cannot sin....
I have searched for light and found dispair. I begged to find meaning and found humility in the total failing I have to make any sense out of life. I know how limited my resources are, and I knew that from the start or I wouldn't have brought larger than life problems and dreams to him, fully expecting him to be capable.
The amazing thing is that despite the hundreds of verses that speak of rewards for faith, I have received more pain than I could have bargained for. The enemy has had a much more active role in who I have become than God has, and I'm told that this is his will. Refined like Gold by God.............. What if I'm not the gold? because all I see are impurities. I do not see anything loved, or worthwhile, or blessed in my life. I see death, actually worse than that I see a life without any kind of mercy. The smallest mercy would be death, and the greatest would be a better life, yet I have been allowed neither, despite asking.
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