I've reflected a little further on last night's depressive episode. I had to analyze my own envy, which is hard because envy in my mind is the greatest sin an intelligent man can commit. Envy that I find in myself is almost always a result of misreading how things are for others and assuming that provides information on how it might be for me.
More specifically I am bothered by the success of my ex wife. It bothers me that having done what she has done she can have the successes and rewards she has. I prayed pretty hard about it, because it made no sense to me how she could have more. The fact is that she doesn't. She has had about the same amount of minutes in her life as I have in mine (actually a year short of that), and she wanted and still wants things I don't.
It occurred to me that though it appears she is spiritually and emotionally fulfilled, my lack does not reflect her superiority. Here is the tricky bit: If I were to find myself in her shoes I would not find contentment. She found her bliss while younger because that is where her journey led. She has experienced many things I have not. Yet she will never experience some of the things I have. An apple cannot be compared with a mango. It doesn't work to say "This apple is green and therefor superior to the orange mango", or to say that one ripening faster, tasting sweeter, or making a better pastry reflects it's validity as a fruit.
My point is that I am on a journey, and I haven't come close to arriving yet. However I don't put that delay down as a failure. The problems I am unraveling are complex, and even if I don't succeed it will not make the attempt less worthwhile. I guess that is to say that I have faith. God can yet pull through. The future remains unwritten, and until the final breath is drawn we can make no judgement on the value of a life. Suppose we were to judge Einstein or FDR based on where they were at a younger age. FDR suffered massive setbacks, and had he let them stop him the world would be quite different today. I'm absolutely certain that many good or even great men have looked around at their peers and longed for complete peace that the average man finds.
Nothing beats experience. Further nothing in the long run beats faith. Even if I die with no achievements, children, or impact the faith I had remains. Assuming there is something beyond this life, that's what counts. God does not care what is in the bank, what is parked in the driveway, or the house you lay your head down in. He cares for the heart. In the balance sheet of the heart I remain far better off than I might be. I cannot see into other people's hearts, it isn't my place. My place is to be the best me I can. Which is rather cliched.
Who knows what is around the corner? A better life or the peace of death? Further agony? God knows. I'm fairly certain that I don't know what it is.
Focus defines reality. If I cannot focus on victory, I must focus on peace. If I can't focus on peace, I will focus on God. If I can't focus on God, then I will cry out until he allows me what meager peace I have today, when I affirm once again: I belong to him, my life is not my own. If I had my way I'd be dead already. He is the shepherd, and he is responsible for where he leads me. He alone knows if my life is worthy or wasted. Someday I hope he'll let me in on it.
More specifically I am bothered by the success of my ex wife. It bothers me that having done what she has done she can have the successes and rewards she has. I prayed pretty hard about it, because it made no sense to me how she could have more. The fact is that she doesn't. She has had about the same amount of minutes in her life as I have in mine (actually a year short of that), and she wanted and still wants things I don't.
It occurred to me that though it appears she is spiritually and emotionally fulfilled, my lack does not reflect her superiority. Here is the tricky bit: If I were to find myself in her shoes I would not find contentment. She found her bliss while younger because that is where her journey led. She has experienced many things I have not. Yet she will never experience some of the things I have. An apple cannot be compared with a mango. It doesn't work to say "This apple is green and therefor superior to the orange mango", or to say that one ripening faster, tasting sweeter, or making a better pastry reflects it's validity as a fruit.
My point is that I am on a journey, and I haven't come close to arriving yet. However I don't put that delay down as a failure. The problems I am unraveling are complex, and even if I don't succeed it will not make the attempt less worthwhile. I guess that is to say that I have faith. God can yet pull through. The future remains unwritten, and until the final breath is drawn we can make no judgement on the value of a life. Suppose we were to judge Einstein or FDR based on where they were at a younger age. FDR suffered massive setbacks, and had he let them stop him the world would be quite different today. I'm absolutely certain that many good or even great men have looked around at their peers and longed for complete peace that the average man finds.
Nothing beats experience. Further nothing in the long run beats faith. Even if I die with no achievements, children, or impact the faith I had remains. Assuming there is something beyond this life, that's what counts. God does not care what is in the bank, what is parked in the driveway, or the house you lay your head down in. He cares for the heart. In the balance sheet of the heart I remain far better off than I might be. I cannot see into other people's hearts, it isn't my place. My place is to be the best me I can. Which is rather cliched.
Who knows what is around the corner? A better life or the peace of death? Further agony? God knows. I'm fairly certain that I don't know what it is.
Focus defines reality. If I cannot focus on victory, I must focus on peace. If I can't focus on peace, I will focus on God. If I can't focus on God, then I will cry out until he allows me what meager peace I have today, when I affirm once again: I belong to him, my life is not my own. If I had my way I'd be dead already. He is the shepherd, and he is responsible for where he leads me. He alone knows if my life is worthy or wasted. Someday I hope he'll let me in on it.
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