That's about the thrust of my posts in the past few years. Here I am, 2.5 years out from my breakdown, and my thinking about it is still evolving.
That isn't where this whole need to unload started, of course. The reason for speaking is almost never the thing talked about. There's the semester ending(quite well thus far it must be admitted.) There's the cloudy short cold days with nothing nice to do apart from work. Then there is the quiet before the next stage, where I have project to work on to further develop my ability to be self directed (while working on other skills.)
Mostly though it just escapes me how good I have it. Which is how I got on the anniversary of getting out of the hospital. It is also 8 years and a month out from the day my divorce was final. 13.5 years from the day I walked out of high school. It's all meaningless, because those wounds are so old that the only memories left are of mulling over other memories.
I'm working through cleaning out my email inbox. I just got through 2016. Which spurred going back and reading what I wrote during 2016. I sure was full of myself, and pissed. Really that's the entire progression of depression over the past six years, towards anger and arrogance.
It was what it was; a bad time. It's a fucking bump that I got over. There's no changing it.
So I'm feeling down, what now? I'm going to take exactly half an hour and destress, then I'm going to do SOME sort of school work for half an hour, and so on. Repeat fucking pattern, discipline my mind. I might take a 20 minute work out break after two cycles, but not before.
I guess I just wanted to talk to my future self. I'm hoping where you are now it's better than it is now. It is my sincerest hope and goal that by the time I feel the itch to go digging again I'll have graduated, and hopefully gotten into a good grad school (or as a back up have a job that is cool enough to do for a year while I wait for application time to come round again.)
There are hopes, there are expectations. I expect to keep trying, because that's who I am. As to hopes; I hope what I do is worthy of better results. Thus far the improvement is pretty stark. Two more years and I'll hopefully be seeing as stark an improvement.
The key to making good decisions is only looking back at relevant data, and improving process.
That isn't where this whole need to unload started, of course. The reason for speaking is almost never the thing talked about. There's the semester ending(quite well thus far it must be admitted.) There's the cloudy short cold days with nothing nice to do apart from work. Then there is the quiet before the next stage, where I have project to work on to further develop my ability to be self directed (while working on other skills.)
Mostly though it just escapes me how good I have it. Which is how I got on the anniversary of getting out of the hospital. It is also 8 years and a month out from the day my divorce was final. 13.5 years from the day I walked out of high school. It's all meaningless, because those wounds are so old that the only memories left are of mulling over other memories.
I'm working through cleaning out my email inbox. I just got through 2016. Which spurred going back and reading what I wrote during 2016. I sure was full of myself, and pissed. Really that's the entire progression of depression over the past six years, towards anger and arrogance.
It was what it was; a bad time. It's a fucking bump that I got over. There's no changing it.
So I'm feeling down, what now? I'm going to take exactly half an hour and destress, then I'm going to do SOME sort of school work for half an hour, and so on. Repeat fucking pattern, discipline my mind. I might take a 20 minute work out break after two cycles, but not before.
I guess I just wanted to talk to my future self. I'm hoping where you are now it's better than it is now. It is my sincerest hope and goal that by the time I feel the itch to go digging again I'll have graduated, and hopefully gotten into a good grad school (or as a back up have a job that is cool enough to do for a year while I wait for application time to come round again.)
There are hopes, there are expectations. I expect to keep trying, because that's who I am. As to hopes; I hope what I do is worthy of better results. Thus far the improvement is pretty stark. Two more years and I'll hopefully be seeing as stark an improvement.
The key to making good decisions is only looking back at relevant data, and improving process.
