Tuesday, November 29, 2011
isn't that typical?
So my home internet is out. Looks like I'll be doing plenty of smoking and watching old shows when I'm home this week because I won't be online communicating with the outside world or anything.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
My ex wife, the bitch lives on
To make the title of this post less harsh I had to tone it down from "Fucking whore"
Ok, so I was trolling on her page as I am prone to do because thanks to her I'm to be alone for the rest of my life, and she gets to be a military wife. And I find out that she was in an accident. I presume a car accident because we all know the bitch can't drive. And I am ashamed, Yes ashamed to say my first thought was "Damn it, she's not dead, do I need to pray for that" (actually just thought of the prayer thing, yes I'm evil.)
So I started thinking maybe I'm still harboring some anger..... Gee ya THINK?!
and I started to feel bad, and maybe I should work on forgiveness. See? That's nice. I want to forgive the evil little harlot who stole my heart and ran off with another man.
So then she's going on about how this is the hardest thing she's ever gone through in her life. Which I kinda feel like "hey now you know how I feel." And she says that she got really upset when they had to take off her ring, and had to explain to the doctor "My husband is deployed right now, that's the only connection I have to him."
And that's where I lost it
I have news for you sister, as far as god and ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD PRIOR TO POST 20TH CENTURY DIVORCE WHORES LIKE YOU, your husband spends every night trying to keep the gun out of his mouth. what you SHOULD have told them is that you're a self serving harlot and that the man you're out making a new life with after you left a man who was nothing but good to you is serving duty in war because you couldn't talk the man you married into it. And so you left him and found someone on track to live the life you want to live. Great. I hope the next car kills you you selfish Bitch. and what goes around comes around? I'D BE HAPPIER STILL IF I WAS DEAD SO I DON"T HAVE TO SEE YOU LIVE. FUCK YOU.
Oh I might ad that I came back from my paying job that I had to take because she left me and my body doesn't work because I have to work for my living, I cant just go marry men with money, more's the pity. I wish I could just do whatever immoral thing I want and my family be behind me, but to top you I'd have to get someone to fall in love with me, then shoot them in the face with a shotgun at a wedding in front of 150 of their close friends. Oh and ride of into the sunset with another woman laughing all the way "I sure suckered them!"
Someday, if I'm lucky I can be as self centered and evil as my ex wife is. And maybe then God will see fit to kill me, because obviously he has no use for me but to torture with watching her antics while I slowly die.
Ok, so I was trolling on her page as I am prone to do because thanks to her I'm to be alone for the rest of my life, and she gets to be a military wife. And I find out that she was in an accident. I presume a car accident because we all know the bitch can't drive. And I am ashamed, Yes ashamed to say my first thought was "Damn it, she's not dead, do I need to pray for that" (actually just thought of the prayer thing, yes I'm evil.)
So I started thinking maybe I'm still harboring some anger..... Gee ya THINK?!
and I started to feel bad, and maybe I should work on forgiveness. See? That's nice. I want to forgive the evil little harlot who stole my heart and ran off with another man.
So then she's going on about how this is the hardest thing she's ever gone through in her life. Which I kinda feel like "hey now you know how I feel." And she says that she got really upset when they had to take off her ring, and had to explain to the doctor "My husband is deployed right now, that's the only connection I have to him."
And that's where I lost it
I have news for you sister, as far as god and ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD PRIOR TO POST 20TH CENTURY DIVORCE WHORES LIKE YOU, your husband spends every night trying to keep the gun out of his mouth. what you SHOULD have told them is that you're a self serving harlot and that the man you're out making a new life with after you left a man who was nothing but good to you is serving duty in war because you couldn't talk the man you married into it. And so you left him and found someone on track to live the life you want to live. Great. I hope the next car kills you you selfish Bitch. and what goes around comes around? I'D BE HAPPIER STILL IF I WAS DEAD SO I DON"T HAVE TO SEE YOU LIVE. FUCK YOU.
Oh I might ad that I came back from my paying job that I had to take because she left me and my body doesn't work because I have to work for my living, I cant just go marry men with money, more's the pity. I wish I could just do whatever immoral thing I want and my family be behind me, but to top you I'd have to get someone to fall in love with me, then shoot them in the face with a shotgun at a wedding in front of 150 of their close friends. Oh and ride of into the sunset with another woman laughing all the way "I sure suckered them!"
Someday, if I'm lucky I can be as self centered and evil as my ex wife is. And maybe then God will see fit to kill me, because obviously he has no use for me but to torture with watching her antics while I slowly die.
explain this to me
alright, this is something I want explained to me, and I'm fairly likely to post my arguement verbatim to the personal ads:
Explain this to me, how can you be fat, and proud, and in the majority? This is to my mind the first time I have ever been aware of this. Bbws, in this state and PARTICULARLY in this city make up the majority of single women and so every week I read the same ad OVER and OVER and OVER. Let me break down how this ad goes, or how it reads from a male perspective.
"Hi everybody I'm sweet, nice, and somehow I break with all the other women you've met in this city and have a brain and want to treat you better than them. I'm so great. No I'm not going to give details as to WHY. Just take my word for it. Oh by the way I'm FAT, you should like this because ALL of us are this way now so if you want to mate, get with the program. Oh and I don't want to sleep with anyone, because men are SO all over me...."
Explain to me how any man would ever say "oh yes, let me get some of that fat lying woman, that's the stuff for me."
Speaking for men, or for the smaller part speaking for men who have seen this market, we're looking for other breeding options. Medicine has advance to the point we can have kids without you so if you think that somehow being the only option out there is a working strategy, you are dead wrong.
Thats the only strategy I'm seeing these women use. Actually for the most part this is the face womankind is showing, and that's rather worrying. I see hundreds of women a day, which represents a fair portion of the population of this city. I will note that about 75 percent of the fat women are attached, which begs the question "Why?" However when we see the sort of men who end up doing this, we have to determine "oh he has brain damage or is obviously a dreg of society and the best he could do is her, God bless him for jumping on the grenade for us all."
Equally baffling is that in the rare case that I come across a really beautiful woman, she is with a twit. Today I saw a gorgious woman, and next to her was the biggest twit in the universe. I imagine if this.... I can't call him a man because he was an affront to all things manly, this male person, I imagine that if this male were to clean himself up he could be somewhat attractive. But in complete contrast to his lovely female companion he dressed in a sweat suit and a hat at a 45 degree angle from his head. The look just screamed "I'm a twit." And I must add, for the sake of those having trouble with this imagine it also screamed "and I netted a hottie, obviously female judgement is DEAD, haha intelligent males. The score is now twits 1 intellectuals 0."
So this is what you want female america. If you are attractive you want twits. Good luck having kids who can get past the second grade.
Explain this to me, how can you be fat, and proud, and in the majority? This is to my mind the first time I have ever been aware of this. Bbws, in this state and PARTICULARLY in this city make up the majority of single women and so every week I read the same ad OVER and OVER and OVER. Let me break down how this ad goes, or how it reads from a male perspective.
"Hi everybody I'm sweet, nice, and somehow I break with all the other women you've met in this city and have a brain and want to treat you better than them. I'm so great. No I'm not going to give details as to WHY. Just take my word for it. Oh by the way I'm FAT, you should like this because ALL of us are this way now so if you want to mate, get with the program. Oh and I don't want to sleep with anyone, because men are SO all over me...."
Explain to me how any man would ever say "oh yes, let me get some of that fat lying woman, that's the stuff for me."
Speaking for men, or for the smaller part speaking for men who have seen this market, we're looking for other breeding options. Medicine has advance to the point we can have kids without you so if you think that somehow being the only option out there is a working strategy, you are dead wrong.
Thats the only strategy I'm seeing these women use. Actually for the most part this is the face womankind is showing, and that's rather worrying. I see hundreds of women a day, which represents a fair portion of the population of this city. I will note that about 75 percent of the fat women are attached, which begs the question "Why?" However when we see the sort of men who end up doing this, we have to determine "oh he has brain damage or is obviously a dreg of society and the best he could do is her, God bless him for jumping on the grenade for us all."
Equally baffling is that in the rare case that I come across a really beautiful woman, she is with a twit. Today I saw a gorgious woman, and next to her was the biggest twit in the universe. I imagine if this.... I can't call him a man because he was an affront to all things manly, this male person, I imagine that if this male were to clean himself up he could be somewhat attractive. But in complete contrast to his lovely female companion he dressed in a sweat suit and a hat at a 45 degree angle from his head. The look just screamed "I'm a twit." And I must add, for the sake of those having trouble with this imagine it also screamed "and I netted a hottie, obviously female judgement is DEAD, haha intelligent males. The score is now twits 1 intellectuals 0."
So this is what you want female america. If you are attractive you want twits. Good luck having kids who can get past the second grade.
How will you know?
So a thought has occured to me, and that thought is "how would anyone know if I went REALLY insane."
In response to that I have to say, to begin with, how crazy am I now? The tendency of the human mind I believe is to think that you are sane. Usually if you were to ask many people, in all seriousness, if they are sane, they would say yes, perhaps they are the only one. Which may very well be the case. I don't know. I don't have the credentials. I am in the process of procuring the credentials to tell said people if they are crazy, but as of this moment my credentials are rather lacking. What I am in a better position to judge is my own sanity. I believe that while I may have an ego, perhaps even pride as some people might call it in who I am.
The thing that may shock some, if some could be shocked, is that my confidence in my own sanity is relatively low. In my personal quite humble opinion I think that there is currently a 50% likelyhood of me just SNAPPING like a twig and going totally nuts. What does that mean? Well it could mean any of a large number of things. These include several iterations of what I think I will look like crazy. The most likely is in my mind some sort of Don Quixote-ish figure. By that I mean that at the very least I hope it would be entertaining, but on the larger part I think that drifting away from reality is likely.
I could snap and do something else nuts, anything from the living like howard hughs, peeing in bottles and dying of malnutrition to going nuts and killing something.
But the fact remains rather at large that the most likely way for me to go crazy is quietly. I may already be there. A slow and long lingering break with reality is both likely and perhaps unavoidable. I have no stabilizers at all right now.
I have plenty of other topics, but I forgot them all on the drive home. I'll be back.
In response to that I have to say, to begin with, how crazy am I now? The tendency of the human mind I believe is to think that you are sane. Usually if you were to ask many people, in all seriousness, if they are sane, they would say yes, perhaps they are the only one. Which may very well be the case. I don't know. I don't have the credentials. I am in the process of procuring the credentials to tell said people if they are crazy, but as of this moment my credentials are rather lacking. What I am in a better position to judge is my own sanity. I believe that while I may have an ego, perhaps even pride as some people might call it in who I am.
The thing that may shock some, if some could be shocked, is that my confidence in my own sanity is relatively low. In my personal quite humble opinion I think that there is currently a 50% likelyhood of me just SNAPPING like a twig and going totally nuts. What does that mean? Well it could mean any of a large number of things. These include several iterations of what I think I will look like crazy. The most likely is in my mind some sort of Don Quixote-ish figure. By that I mean that at the very least I hope it would be entertaining, but on the larger part I think that drifting away from reality is likely.
I could snap and do something else nuts, anything from the living like howard hughs, peeing in bottles and dying of malnutrition to going nuts and killing something.
But the fact remains rather at large that the most likely way for me to go crazy is quietly. I may already be there. A slow and long lingering break with reality is both likely and perhaps unavoidable. I have no stabilizers at all right now.
I have plenty of other topics, but I forgot them all on the drive home. I'll be back.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
is the desktop dead?
http://www.ted.com/talks/roger_mcnamee_six_ways_to_save_the_internet.html
alright, I've been hearing this for years and it's gotten pretty loud, people are saying the desktop is dead. I think that people are predicting a future where the laptop is the most complex as it gets. Go to a best buy, the front displays are for smart phones, ipads and laptops. But not to worry. I don't think desktops will ever REALLY die. As far as being a mass consumable? yeah, dead for awhile. Geez the desktop as I grew up to know it was dead 7 years ago. I remember when you needed to spend a major afternoon just to assemble your desktop. Where installing software was an evening's activity. Those days are over. But the days of tower PCs? just started. The problem with all these fancy new gadgets that everybody has little joygasms over is that they are limited. Tiny keyboards and touchscreens. And they have you convinced you want this. Furthermore the processing power, while impressive, is tiddlywinks compared to a GOOD desktop. I could design, and am working on designing a desktop that outstrips everything else on the market. Not to sell mind you, I'm just turned on by power. You're never going to see power in tablet PCs. What's more I'm turned on by perminence. I invest HUNDREDS yearly trying to keep my data system alive. The fact of the matter is that I need a PC to do it. A desktop. Because we are on the forefront of a revolution in data and phones are missing the boat. All these devices are missing the data boat. Because good data management relies on one thing: expandability. My laptop has 3 USB ports, 2.0 at that and that limits my amount of data I can touch at about 4 Terrabytes. That's alot, but then it's not, not at that speeds and not from a laptop. The interface is subpar. Having it on the go and in any room in the house? worth the investment but it will never suffice as a primary computer. I could go build a computer right now for under 1k that could access with ease over 10 Terabytes of data at speeds that would make you cry. Run as many programs as needed. And best of all it would last 5 years. The average lifetime of laptops is 2, because we burn these damn things out. That's not enough. There are enough people out there like me that feel the same. Because we aren't all tech whores who want to bend over and take it from apple. In 5 more years I'm going to buy a tablet. After I finish designing a supercomputer to run my data network and after I have access to that data in every room in my house. After I program my locks to run by computer, after I design satisfactory security and cameras that I can see anywhere from anywhere in my house. And when I design and do all that it won't be on a laptop, it won't be on a smartphone and it won't be on a tablet. It will be on a PC, from a PC. The original and BEST designed tool for the job. And it always will be.
alright, I've been hearing this for years and it's gotten pretty loud, people are saying the desktop is dead. I think that people are predicting a future where the laptop is the most complex as it gets. Go to a best buy, the front displays are for smart phones, ipads and laptops. But not to worry. I don't think desktops will ever REALLY die. As far as being a mass consumable? yeah, dead for awhile. Geez the desktop as I grew up to know it was dead 7 years ago. I remember when you needed to spend a major afternoon just to assemble your desktop. Where installing software was an evening's activity. Those days are over. But the days of tower PCs? just started. The problem with all these fancy new gadgets that everybody has little joygasms over is that they are limited. Tiny keyboards and touchscreens. And they have you convinced you want this. Furthermore the processing power, while impressive, is tiddlywinks compared to a GOOD desktop. I could design, and am working on designing a desktop that outstrips everything else on the market. Not to sell mind you, I'm just turned on by power. You're never going to see power in tablet PCs. What's more I'm turned on by perminence. I invest HUNDREDS yearly trying to keep my data system alive. The fact of the matter is that I need a PC to do it. A desktop. Because we are on the forefront of a revolution in data and phones are missing the boat. All these devices are missing the data boat. Because good data management relies on one thing: expandability. My laptop has 3 USB ports, 2.0 at that and that limits my amount of data I can touch at about 4 Terrabytes. That's alot, but then it's not, not at that speeds and not from a laptop. The interface is subpar. Having it on the go and in any room in the house? worth the investment but it will never suffice as a primary computer. I could go build a computer right now for under 1k that could access with ease over 10 Terabytes of data at speeds that would make you cry. Run as many programs as needed. And best of all it would last 5 years. The average lifetime of laptops is 2, because we burn these damn things out. That's not enough. There are enough people out there like me that feel the same. Because we aren't all tech whores who want to bend over and take it from apple. In 5 more years I'm going to buy a tablet. After I finish designing a supercomputer to run my data network and after I have access to that data in every room in my house. After I program my locks to run by computer, after I design satisfactory security and cameras that I can see anywhere from anywhere in my house. And when I design and do all that it won't be on a laptop, it won't be on a smartphone and it won't be on a tablet. It will be on a PC, from a PC. The original and BEST designed tool for the job. And it always will be.
I can't FUCKING stand this
I can't stand this.
I haven't discussed any of my feelings with anyone in WEEKS. I fucking hate this fucking house, four fucking walls, over and over again I just want to tie a fucking noose and END IT.
I've been playing minecraft. I think I'm sort of hooked on it. A bit. I hate that you know. I shouldn't let myself get hooked on a fucking video game, that I'm up until 3 AM playing it. I've gotten carpal tunnel playing this game. I honestly thought that at this age if I got carpal tunnel playing a game it would be with my wife. I'm going to be fucking 24. ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR.
Do you know what happens to women over 20? In oklahoma? They just bulge. it's like a downhill slope. My hypothosis is that they bulge until they turn 35... or 45. anyway at some point they decide to lose the weight and then they become skinny and bitchy. This is the point at which if we were in a society that had hot women the men would start banging their secretaries. Which I think I might be for now. I didn't used to but now I understand anything a man would do to get away from a woman. I guess. Why can't we find women we love enough to fight for, to actually keep going and work for? And when we do find these women, that we feel this way about, they never feel that way about us. Are we supposed to chase them in a futile fashion until we die? I don't know.
I just had to put a stop to When Harry Met Sally.
It makes me want someone to come to realize they love me.
and she won't.
I'll probably have to move on.
And then someday someone will call her up.
"MNHMMM, I've got some news."
"Yes?"
"Max is dead."
"oh?"
"yeah he drove off the freeway, his car exploded, it was great."
"Oh, that's too bad"
And I guess maybe she'll come to the funeral.
She will likely be the only young woman at the funeral because other than her no woman under 30 has ever cared about me.
I can't find my ex Haley on FB
I can as always find my wife, who won't friend me because she despises me. It's not posted anywhere. She hasn't said so, but it's true. Why would you behave as she does if you didn't dispise me?
Shannon has apparently dissappeared. maybe she's dead. who knows? obviously she didn't want my love. She's the one that told me I loved the girl who I'm stuck on now. She said I had a shot. Of course if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have screwed everything up. Fuck her.
I don't know what on earth anyone is expecting from me. One of the reasons I'm not driving anywhere right now is because I think I would try to kill myself if I got the shot. Not that it matters. Obviously I'm succeeding at not killing myself. It's thanksgiving and my family has promised to make all my favorites.
I'm listening to this message on giving. well I don't know what this message is about really. But he's talking and he says "If you have a problem you don't have a problem you have a god problem." My mind is instantly on my prayer. You know how long I've been praying about this? A year and three months.
"God can provide water in a famine, he can provide food by ravens"
I'm sitting here. Stripped to the bone by my life. I've lost EVERYTHING because of me doing what I thought was right. I've lost all my friends, all my money. Every month I have to scrounge together enough money. I fantasize daily about killing myself. When I'm driving to work or school I daydream about driving the car off the highway and die.
And God says he's going to bless me.
You know when people in the bible laughed? I'd laugh.
I'd laugh if I weren't so crushed by this.
How can he keep doing this to me?
I can't stand this stupid chirpy optimism.
I've lost my wife
my best friends.
Every cent I've ever had.
And you know what else? if I had any more I'd give it too.
I don't have anymore.
I don't know why he challenges me like this.
I dont
I honestly feel unloved right now. My mom loves me, my dad loves me but God? I don't see it.
I don't see how someone, even an allmighty being, can behave this way and claim to love me.
It's just... .either he's working on something, and I can't see it, or he has no regard or love for me at all. There's no other way I can understand.
I'm just going to go pray.
I haven't discussed any of my feelings with anyone in WEEKS. I fucking hate this fucking house, four fucking walls, over and over again I just want to tie a fucking noose and END IT.
I've been playing minecraft. I think I'm sort of hooked on it. A bit. I hate that you know. I shouldn't let myself get hooked on a fucking video game, that I'm up until 3 AM playing it. I've gotten carpal tunnel playing this game. I honestly thought that at this age if I got carpal tunnel playing a game it would be with my wife. I'm going to be fucking 24. ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR.
Do you know what happens to women over 20? In oklahoma? They just bulge. it's like a downhill slope. My hypothosis is that they bulge until they turn 35... or 45. anyway at some point they decide to lose the weight and then they become skinny and bitchy. This is the point at which if we were in a society that had hot women the men would start banging their secretaries. Which I think I might be for now. I didn't used to but now I understand anything a man would do to get away from a woman. I guess. Why can't we find women we love enough to fight for, to actually keep going and work for? And when we do find these women, that we feel this way about, they never feel that way about us. Are we supposed to chase them in a futile fashion until we die? I don't know.
I just had to put a stop to When Harry Met Sally.
It makes me want someone to come to realize they love me.
and she won't.
I'll probably have to move on.
And then someday someone will call her up.
"MNHMMM, I've got some news."
"Yes?"
"Max is dead."
"oh?"
"yeah he drove off the freeway, his car exploded, it was great."
"Oh, that's too bad"
And I guess maybe she'll come to the funeral.
She will likely be the only young woman at the funeral because other than her no woman under 30 has ever cared about me.
I can't find my ex Haley on FB
I can as always find my wife, who won't friend me because she despises me. It's not posted anywhere. She hasn't said so, but it's true. Why would you behave as she does if you didn't dispise me?
Shannon has apparently dissappeared. maybe she's dead. who knows? obviously she didn't want my love. She's the one that told me I loved the girl who I'm stuck on now. She said I had a shot. Of course if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have screwed everything up. Fuck her.
I don't know what on earth anyone is expecting from me. One of the reasons I'm not driving anywhere right now is because I think I would try to kill myself if I got the shot. Not that it matters. Obviously I'm succeeding at not killing myself. It's thanksgiving and my family has promised to make all my favorites.
I'm listening to this message on giving. well I don't know what this message is about really. But he's talking and he says "If you have a problem you don't have a problem you have a god problem." My mind is instantly on my prayer. You know how long I've been praying about this? A year and three months.
"God can provide water in a famine, he can provide food by ravens"
I'm sitting here. Stripped to the bone by my life. I've lost EVERYTHING because of me doing what I thought was right. I've lost all my friends, all my money. Every month I have to scrounge together enough money. I fantasize daily about killing myself. When I'm driving to work or school I daydream about driving the car off the highway and die.
And God says he's going to bless me.
You know when people in the bible laughed? I'd laugh.
I'd laugh if I weren't so crushed by this.
How can he keep doing this to me?
I can't stand this stupid chirpy optimism.
I've lost my wife
my best friends.
Every cent I've ever had.
And you know what else? if I had any more I'd give it too.
I don't have anymore.
I don't know why he challenges me like this.
I dont
I honestly feel unloved right now. My mom loves me, my dad loves me but God? I don't see it.
I don't see how someone, even an allmighty being, can behave this way and claim to love me.
It's just... .either he's working on something, and I can't see it, or he has no regard or love for me at all. There's no other way I can understand.
I'm just going to go pray.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
now on a more graphic note
Disclaimer: I'm going to be talking about some rather graphic topics here, so if you have some sort of pure vision of me and want it intact, don't read, if you are too young to buy tobacco, don't read, if you are an 18th century southern belle, don't read. Generally if your sensibilities are offended by anything rated R or above or by sexual content, while this will not be overtly graphic it will have sexual themes so please just skip it and do us all a favor.
Now, it may be a rather shocking topic to break out on but I'd like to talk about pornography. Pornography is a huge push button with the christian crowd, and I do TRY to be sensitive to their pansy ways, but I honestly have no respect for them anymore. I respect a select few individuals who are anti porn for the stance, because they have made a decent arguement for their puritanical ways.
Interesting side note: I have never been on the enforcing side of anti porn, always on the defence. By defence I mean giving in. "Oh I'm soooo sorry for my oh so sinful ways, please forgive me I was SO wrong" minus the sarcasm I obviously feel about it right now. To be honest I have felt guilt about porn. Twice. Once when I was with my wife and I slipped up a number of times, I was guilty of doing something that would hurt her which was defacto a sin in my mind, and I was genuinely sorry. The other time was with a girlfriend who didn't like me doing it. I don't want to get into that one actually.
Let me elaborate a little further on my position on sex in general. Sex is a need. Not a desire, not a sin, it's something your body will crave NATURALLY. Therefor sex addiction and overeating are basicly the same thing. We all have things we need to cut down on. Yet calling it an addiction causes all sorts of other stigma. But I will go on. If you can manage to find a woman to love you who doesn't cheat on you or leave you for another man, then god bless. No, really.
If you can manage that then obviously God is on your side, and you should write a book or at least a pamphlet, go into inspirational speaking and do a conference and I will attend, because obviously you have discovered the shangri la of all mankind and need to draw the rest of us a map. I'm not joking. This has become the lost city of gold in western culture. Everyone claims it exists yet there is no path to it at all. Ask someone how to find it and they assure you it's "out there somewhere, stop looking and it will find you". Sounds like a mystical city to me.
However, for the rest of us that have to live in the real world lets look at the facts: When you are alone you have no choice but to look after your own needs. those needs include sex. How crude, I know. Furthermore if you can manage to look after your needs without giving into temptation and having sex with easy women you should be given a hearty handshake and pat on the back (wash your hands first).
Ok, so after that side rant I get to my point. That point is pornography.
In my opinion there are four grades of porn, note I mean video porn not pictures and NOT stories, that's a whole other game.
There's dirty porn, full of lust, degradation and sex for the sake of dirty nasty your family can never know you think about it sex. It has it's place, but to be honest this accounts for over three quarters of the porn out there.
There's entertaining porn, this means most likely porn with a plot, where the actors start out with their clothes on and there is an at least attempt at seduction. In my humble opinion this is the best of the best, but even many pictures that try to be this miss the bar entirely.
There's art porn. Carefully planned shots, lighting, and there's a statement being made here about beauty. This can be really amazing, but it's rarely made, and therefor even more rarely worth watching.
Finally we get the catagory that all these dump into thousands and thousands of videos a week, I'm not joking at all, bad porn. Bad porn can be funny, it can be arousing in places, but as an overall experience you feel sorry you spent the time watching it, and you can only hope the people who made it are ashamed of themselves. It's not all as terrible as that, but it's all bad.
I remember a year or two ago one of the entertainment porn producers had this horrible HORRIBLE actor who turned everything he starred in into bad porn from my perspective. It might just be a perspective thing, but this guy was just the most unarousing thing aside from seeing someone I respect in my life have sex. And I haven't seen that so this guy set the record for unarousal. Damn that's not right my ex WIFE with her fat ASS set that record. I remember once or twice trying to get hard for that thing. You know how hard it is to look at the woman you love and realize she's not your ideal woman physically, and then try to talk your penis into getting into the game. I did that more often than I care to admit. It's one of the reasons I was ok with her leaving, just so I could stop having to talk the poor guy into getting into the game. Oh and lets not even go into how non womanly she was. She had facial hair. I've seen this twice in women, and ooooh are they sooo embarassed. I never mention it to their face but it is kind of a bad sign that they have that much testosterone, maybe they should cut down on the saturated fats, just saying. Oh and horrible skin just HORRIBLE. Honestly I wonder what my stupid ass was thinking, thinking that this woman who was missing an important bone in her knee, was unlikely for genetic reasons to live past 40, could produce a good genetic offspring. I must have loved that woman because damn, that's the dumbest decision I could have made in my life. Thank God we don't have kids because those kids would be in and out of the doctor so often..... of course assuming her issues are all dominant genetics, they might be recessive then there would be between a 25 and 50 percent chance of those issues showing up.....My ex wife was without a doubt the catoosa of genetics..... and that's where I found her, ahaahahaa. Oh and non nurturing, lets not forget that lovely fact. This woman supposedly wanted kids, God help the poor things if she ever has them. I've been remembering this, me being sick this week, she never did a single thing because she cared about my happiness or to take care of me. It was always about her. I'm probably doing better single and sick than with that useless cow. She never wanted to listen to my problems, I was just supposed to be some emotionless fix it machine. IN fact that's what all these oklahoma women I've met want. emotionless fix it machines that can be dragged around by their penis to various emasculating events. I saw that world so much while I was a married christian man. My God no wonder the world hate's christianity, look at the christian male life. "what christian male life?" that's exactly right because christian men are expected to be cattle. Work all day, make lots of money, have kids, buy a house in the suburbs, do whatever your DAMN woman wants and even if you do you get surprised when she leaves you because "she just can't respect you anymore". Damn it no one respects that poor SOB. Not his wife, not his kids and not his damn community. He's a lapdog to his woman and his woman sooner or later is going to realize how unerotic a male lapdog can be.
Which leads back to the porn thing. Most men like porn. Many are ashamed of it because women tell them to be. I can't prove that but come on. What man wakes up one day and says "You know I think I should be ashamed of my dirty self"..... Men have a hard time understanding shame. This is the gender that brought you fart jokes and beavis and butthead. If men could understand shame they wouldn't create these things. Watch the Man Show, with Adam Carola, and that will give you SOME idea of what men are like.
Look, these are some men, real men:
Charlie Sheen
Adam Carola
Lewis Black
Bill Clinton
John F Kennedy
Heck Ted Kennedy, you know he's a man's man at heart
FDR
(I know there are some republican men, Rush Limbaugh for one, but I'm not in the mood to deal with all of them.)
Teddy Roosevelt is the base model for manhood.
Edmund Hillary
Do you know what makes a man? You see what you want, and you GO for it. Damn the consequences. Most of the men on my list are sexually promiscuous, or where at some point. That's because men like sex. Oh gosh I hope I didn't shatter your worldview with that one.
What men don't like is servicing the same woman night after night, being faithful for year after year only to get CHEATED ON. and only to watch that woman get less attractive in every damn way while they get more attractive. Because society has decided that money is what makes men attractive. Guess what, any guy with a good investment strategy will get more and more attractive year after year. What do women have to offer? Seriously I'm asking. Supposedly nurturing and kindness but as I said, that's the hidden city of Gold.... mistyped God there, maybe it is the hidden city of God, because God only knows where these mystical women hide before getting snapped up into permanent monogamous relationships.
Your average woman, mind you this is in oklahoma, is FAT, has SELF CONFIDENCE PROBLEMS, no future plans, is either stupid as god made her or has made herself that way by surrounding herself with the brainwashing society we live in, or by drugs. And hence why men turn to porn. If good women exist then they should advertise. You aren't the fucking field of dreams, if you build it yeah they will come, but God only knows who, because it's not me. No one let me know about the mystical baseball field in the middle of nowhere. Someone DRAW ME A MAP.
So some bad porn, or passable porn has women who are obviously acting. This I have decided is a good thing, because after all my experiences one thing I know, the lackluster performance you recieve in bed will be about the equal of a bad porn actress. And women are surprised at the results....
Now, it may be a rather shocking topic to break out on but I'd like to talk about pornography. Pornography is a huge push button with the christian crowd, and I do TRY to be sensitive to their pansy ways, but I honestly have no respect for them anymore. I respect a select few individuals who are anti porn for the stance, because they have made a decent arguement for their puritanical ways.
Interesting side note: I have never been on the enforcing side of anti porn, always on the defence. By defence I mean giving in. "Oh I'm soooo sorry for my oh so sinful ways, please forgive me I was SO wrong" minus the sarcasm I obviously feel about it right now. To be honest I have felt guilt about porn. Twice. Once when I was with my wife and I slipped up a number of times, I was guilty of doing something that would hurt her which was defacto a sin in my mind, and I was genuinely sorry. The other time was with a girlfriend who didn't like me doing it. I don't want to get into that one actually.
Let me elaborate a little further on my position on sex in general. Sex is a need. Not a desire, not a sin, it's something your body will crave NATURALLY. Therefor sex addiction and overeating are basicly the same thing. We all have things we need to cut down on. Yet calling it an addiction causes all sorts of other stigma. But I will go on. If you can manage to find a woman to love you who doesn't cheat on you or leave you for another man, then god bless. No, really.
If you can manage that then obviously God is on your side, and you should write a book or at least a pamphlet, go into inspirational speaking and do a conference and I will attend, because obviously you have discovered the shangri la of all mankind and need to draw the rest of us a map. I'm not joking. This has become the lost city of gold in western culture. Everyone claims it exists yet there is no path to it at all. Ask someone how to find it and they assure you it's "out there somewhere, stop looking and it will find you". Sounds like a mystical city to me.
However, for the rest of us that have to live in the real world lets look at the facts: When you are alone you have no choice but to look after your own needs. those needs include sex. How crude, I know. Furthermore if you can manage to look after your needs without giving into temptation and having sex with easy women you should be given a hearty handshake and pat on the back (wash your hands first).
Ok, so after that side rant I get to my point. That point is pornography.
In my opinion there are four grades of porn, note I mean video porn not pictures and NOT stories, that's a whole other game.
There's dirty porn, full of lust, degradation and sex for the sake of dirty nasty your family can never know you think about it sex. It has it's place, but to be honest this accounts for over three quarters of the porn out there.
There's entertaining porn, this means most likely porn with a plot, where the actors start out with their clothes on and there is an at least attempt at seduction. In my humble opinion this is the best of the best, but even many pictures that try to be this miss the bar entirely.
There's art porn. Carefully planned shots, lighting, and there's a statement being made here about beauty. This can be really amazing, but it's rarely made, and therefor even more rarely worth watching.
Finally we get the catagory that all these dump into thousands and thousands of videos a week, I'm not joking at all, bad porn. Bad porn can be funny, it can be arousing in places, but as an overall experience you feel sorry you spent the time watching it, and you can only hope the people who made it are ashamed of themselves. It's not all as terrible as that, but it's all bad.
I remember a year or two ago one of the entertainment porn producers had this horrible HORRIBLE actor who turned everything he starred in into bad porn from my perspective. It might just be a perspective thing, but this guy was just the most unarousing thing aside from seeing someone I respect in my life have sex. And I haven't seen that so this guy set the record for unarousal. Damn that's not right my ex WIFE with her fat ASS set that record. I remember once or twice trying to get hard for that thing. You know how hard it is to look at the woman you love and realize she's not your ideal woman physically, and then try to talk your penis into getting into the game. I did that more often than I care to admit. It's one of the reasons I was ok with her leaving, just so I could stop having to talk the poor guy into getting into the game. Oh and lets not even go into how non womanly she was. She had facial hair. I've seen this twice in women, and ooooh are they sooo embarassed. I never mention it to their face but it is kind of a bad sign that they have that much testosterone, maybe they should cut down on the saturated fats, just saying. Oh and horrible skin just HORRIBLE. Honestly I wonder what my stupid ass was thinking, thinking that this woman who was missing an important bone in her knee, was unlikely for genetic reasons to live past 40, could produce a good genetic offspring. I must have loved that woman because damn, that's the dumbest decision I could have made in my life. Thank God we don't have kids because those kids would be in and out of the doctor so often..... of course assuming her issues are all dominant genetics, they might be recessive then there would be between a 25 and 50 percent chance of those issues showing up.....My ex wife was without a doubt the catoosa of genetics..... and that's where I found her, ahaahahaa. Oh and non nurturing, lets not forget that lovely fact. This woman supposedly wanted kids, God help the poor things if she ever has them. I've been remembering this, me being sick this week, she never did a single thing because she cared about my happiness or to take care of me. It was always about her. I'm probably doing better single and sick than with that useless cow. She never wanted to listen to my problems, I was just supposed to be some emotionless fix it machine. IN fact that's what all these oklahoma women I've met want. emotionless fix it machines that can be dragged around by their penis to various emasculating events. I saw that world so much while I was a married christian man. My God no wonder the world hate's christianity, look at the christian male life. "what christian male life?" that's exactly right because christian men are expected to be cattle. Work all day, make lots of money, have kids, buy a house in the suburbs, do whatever your DAMN woman wants and even if you do you get surprised when she leaves you because "she just can't respect you anymore". Damn it no one respects that poor SOB. Not his wife, not his kids and not his damn community. He's a lapdog to his woman and his woman sooner or later is going to realize how unerotic a male lapdog can be.
Which leads back to the porn thing. Most men like porn. Many are ashamed of it because women tell them to be. I can't prove that but come on. What man wakes up one day and says "You know I think I should be ashamed of my dirty self"..... Men have a hard time understanding shame. This is the gender that brought you fart jokes and beavis and butthead. If men could understand shame they wouldn't create these things. Watch the Man Show, with Adam Carola, and that will give you SOME idea of what men are like.
Look, these are some men, real men:
Charlie Sheen
Adam Carola
Lewis Black
Bill Clinton
John F Kennedy
Heck Ted Kennedy, you know he's a man's man at heart
FDR
(I know there are some republican men, Rush Limbaugh for one, but I'm not in the mood to deal with all of them.)
Teddy Roosevelt is the base model for manhood.
Edmund Hillary
Do you know what makes a man? You see what you want, and you GO for it. Damn the consequences. Most of the men on my list are sexually promiscuous, or where at some point. That's because men like sex. Oh gosh I hope I didn't shatter your worldview with that one.
What men don't like is servicing the same woman night after night, being faithful for year after year only to get CHEATED ON. and only to watch that woman get less attractive in every damn way while they get more attractive. Because society has decided that money is what makes men attractive. Guess what, any guy with a good investment strategy will get more and more attractive year after year. What do women have to offer? Seriously I'm asking. Supposedly nurturing and kindness but as I said, that's the hidden city of Gold.... mistyped God there, maybe it is the hidden city of God, because God only knows where these mystical women hide before getting snapped up into permanent monogamous relationships.
Your average woman, mind you this is in oklahoma, is FAT, has SELF CONFIDENCE PROBLEMS, no future plans, is either stupid as god made her or has made herself that way by surrounding herself with the brainwashing society we live in, or by drugs. And hence why men turn to porn. If good women exist then they should advertise. You aren't the fucking field of dreams, if you build it yeah they will come, but God only knows who, because it's not me. No one let me know about the mystical baseball field in the middle of nowhere. Someone DRAW ME A MAP.
So some bad porn, or passable porn has women who are obviously acting. This I have decided is a good thing, because after all my experiences one thing I know, the lackluster performance you recieve in bed will be about the equal of a bad porn actress. And women are surprised at the results....
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Never a dull moment
You know, after typing that heading I realize that now is as close to a dull moment as I can experience. well actually I take that back, being out in public and feeling like this would be much more tedious and difficult.
Anyway around to the point: I'm sick. I don't know what it is but I think I know why I'm sick, and that's because I've been running myself ragged, and I've been spending MANY more hours among people. Everything has a price I suppose.
I decided not to join the national guard, on the basis that the incentive does not outbalance the risk. They wanted to offer me a couple hundred a month, plus partial school benefits, and lets see... that's it.
For this they want a minimum 6 year commitment. The limits on the GI bill are ridiculous. They use phrases like "up to" 50k for school. That sounds familiar doesn't it? Like when I was in sales and they talked about how rich I was going to be. It's an incentive, granted it may seem a large incentive, however given my abilities and how much time is involved I don't think it's a fair offer. In my humble opinion they should pay all college expenses, regardless of how high they get as long as they all fit into a degree plan. That would make more sense. It's similar to how cell phone companies used to have "unlimited data plans" but they actually cut off your service and canceled your contract when you used more than 5 gigs of data, over a whole month. Bait and switch almost. But from reading their site you can see that they assume you are so worked up over how wonderful their benefits are, and we know they aren't actually. Add in the danger of losing my life. Oh and the silent draft.... just heard about that actually.
Ok, I just did some research on that... just to have the facts.
fact 1: when you sign a military contract with the guard you are subject to being called back within 2 years (that's the offer they gave me, your mileage may vary).
fact 2: there is something called stop loss, and if you HAVE been deployed to a war zone during your tour they can force you to reenlist, because they need you on the ground in iraq or afganistan or wherever the country decides to drop troops.
Questionable second hand fact 3: The military will twist your arm into reenlisting by giving you a choice between reenlisting of your own accord or they will send you to a war zone so you can be covered by stop loss.
fact 4: it's all in the fine print.
Now even if we could ignore fact 3 (which is the worst of the bunch) this still doesn't sound like the sort of organization I would want to work for. Actually let me be a bit more clear, it doesn't sound like a deal that is worth the paltry sum they give you for the risk.
All business deals are a risk/reward calculation. Let's say I want to buy a house. The risk is that the market will drop and put me underwater on my investment, or that the costs to keep everything repaired outstrip my budget. Both of those have happened incidentally to me. The reward however is that houses are a good hedge against inflation, and in addition you don't throw away thousands a year renting an apartment. In the case of my house it's more secure and in a much more relaxing neighborhood than any apartment I've ever lived in.
Once you calculate the risk and balance it with reward you will see whether this investment will be prudent. The risk of military service is about as high as anything I've ever heard of.... with the possible exception of marriage. Losing your life, and in many cases your sanity as a result of living in a war zone is a giant risk. The rewards on the other hand are disappointing... again similar to marriage. You are at the mercy of the military, part of a giant system which includes in it's mission statement to kill people. And finally you have to make a time commitment to them, they promise next to nothing in return for that commitment.
On the romance front.... I was talking to one girl and she just dropped off the radar. Now a new one has contacted me. Young but fairly intelligent, I happen to know she's been on the market for a year. she's a poet. She definitely is worth getting to know, after that who knows?
Anyway around to the point: I'm sick. I don't know what it is but I think I know why I'm sick, and that's because I've been running myself ragged, and I've been spending MANY more hours among people. Everything has a price I suppose.
I decided not to join the national guard, on the basis that the incentive does not outbalance the risk. They wanted to offer me a couple hundred a month, plus partial school benefits, and lets see... that's it.
For this they want a minimum 6 year commitment. The limits on the GI bill are ridiculous. They use phrases like "up to" 50k for school. That sounds familiar doesn't it? Like when I was in sales and they talked about how rich I was going to be. It's an incentive, granted it may seem a large incentive, however given my abilities and how much time is involved I don't think it's a fair offer. In my humble opinion they should pay all college expenses, regardless of how high they get as long as they all fit into a degree plan. That would make more sense. It's similar to how cell phone companies used to have "unlimited data plans" but they actually cut off your service and canceled your contract when you used more than 5 gigs of data, over a whole month. Bait and switch almost. But from reading their site you can see that they assume you are so worked up over how wonderful their benefits are, and we know they aren't actually. Add in the danger of losing my life. Oh and the silent draft.... just heard about that actually.
Ok, I just did some research on that... just to have the facts.
fact 1: when you sign a military contract with the guard you are subject to being called back within 2 years (that's the offer they gave me, your mileage may vary).
fact 2: there is something called stop loss, and if you HAVE been deployed to a war zone during your tour they can force you to reenlist, because they need you on the ground in iraq or afganistan or wherever the country decides to drop troops.
Questionable second hand fact 3: The military will twist your arm into reenlisting by giving you a choice between reenlisting of your own accord or they will send you to a war zone so you can be covered by stop loss.
fact 4: it's all in the fine print.
Now even if we could ignore fact 3 (which is the worst of the bunch) this still doesn't sound like the sort of organization I would want to work for. Actually let me be a bit more clear, it doesn't sound like a deal that is worth the paltry sum they give you for the risk.
All business deals are a risk/reward calculation. Let's say I want to buy a house. The risk is that the market will drop and put me underwater on my investment, or that the costs to keep everything repaired outstrip my budget. Both of those have happened incidentally to me. The reward however is that houses are a good hedge against inflation, and in addition you don't throw away thousands a year renting an apartment. In the case of my house it's more secure and in a much more relaxing neighborhood than any apartment I've ever lived in.
Once you calculate the risk and balance it with reward you will see whether this investment will be prudent. The risk of military service is about as high as anything I've ever heard of.... with the possible exception of marriage. Losing your life, and in many cases your sanity as a result of living in a war zone is a giant risk. The rewards on the other hand are disappointing... again similar to marriage. You are at the mercy of the military, part of a giant system which includes in it's mission statement to kill people. And finally you have to make a time commitment to them, they promise next to nothing in return for that commitment.
On the romance front.... I was talking to one girl and she just dropped off the radar. Now a new one has contacted me. Young but fairly intelligent, I happen to know she's been on the market for a year. she's a poet. She definitely is worth getting to know, after that who knows?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
your future is a horror story written by your crimes
Doomed scrooge, doomed for all time
your future is a horror story written by your crimes
your chains are forged by what you say and do
so have your fun when life is done a nightmare waits for you
a song made me cry. Not that one, which I'm not going to attribute because I have bigger fish to fry, but a song about the one that got away. No I didn't know it before today, it just... showed up. and stabbed me through the heart
List of songs that have made me cry:
Katy Perry-The one that got away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3Cqe_fk
Better than a hallelujah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0&ob=av2e
and for entirely different reasons: He was walking her home
oh and you are my sunshine, that song still breaks my heart
I linked to the videos because in many ways they are what broke me down
Two things disturb me about my grief process, one is that I mourn entirely different things than other people
two my grief process doesn't have a normal timetable
and three I cannot process my emotions in any healthy or clean way. The grit makes it process. By grit I mean what christians would call sin. I don't know if it's sin, if something keeps me alive it almost always shifts over to nourishment and becomes unremovable..... hence the smoking, and the porn and the over the counter drugs. They keep me functioning, and FYI I hate that they are needed. I don't hate any of those things individually, aside from the expense I have no problem with the activities themselves, I have a problem with that I hurt so much that I need them.
side note: I think I might be sick
what else? what else?
you know aside from her presence in my life as someone to love I don't miss my wife, or many women. just the one really..... and she got away....... every woman I still wonder about got away. Not by my choice.... I don't destroy relationships I care about.
You could have been my girl
if you'd ask me I would move the world for you
you could have been my world
but you just never saw
that all this time you were the one I was waiting for
That's one of mine.
it irritates me that now I am willing to join the military and my wife.... ex wife has moved on. If she had just been supportive and helped me process we'd still be together, did you know that?
I didn't until the past three months. over a year too late.....
Don't it always seem to go
that you dont know what you've got til it's gone
pave paradise and put up a parking lot
Supposedly regrets aren't my style. Neither is crying for that matter. What can I say? at the moment I am forgotten..... no one left to live up to their standards. I almost died this morning... daydreamed about it a bit on the way to school. Is that sick or what?
your future is a horror story written by your crimes
your chains are forged by what you say and do
so have your fun when life is done a nightmare waits for you
a song made me cry. Not that one, which I'm not going to attribute because I have bigger fish to fry, but a song about the one that got away. No I didn't know it before today, it just... showed up. and stabbed me through the heart
List of songs that have made me cry:
Katy Perry-The one that got away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3Cqe_fk
Better than a hallelujah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0&ob=av2e
and for entirely different reasons: He was walking her home
oh and you are my sunshine, that song still breaks my heart
I linked to the videos because in many ways they are what broke me down
Two things disturb me about my grief process, one is that I mourn entirely different things than other people
two my grief process doesn't have a normal timetable
and three I cannot process my emotions in any healthy or clean way. The grit makes it process. By grit I mean what christians would call sin. I don't know if it's sin, if something keeps me alive it almost always shifts over to nourishment and becomes unremovable..... hence the smoking, and the porn and the over the counter drugs. They keep me functioning, and FYI I hate that they are needed. I don't hate any of those things individually, aside from the expense I have no problem with the activities themselves, I have a problem with that I hurt so much that I need them.
side note: I think I might be sick
what else? what else?
you know aside from her presence in my life as someone to love I don't miss my wife, or many women. just the one really..... and she got away....... every woman I still wonder about got away. Not by my choice.... I don't destroy relationships I care about.
You could have been my girl
if you'd ask me I would move the world for you
you could have been my world
but you just never saw
that all this time you were the one I was waiting for
That's one of mine.
it irritates me that now I am willing to join the military and my wife.... ex wife has moved on. If she had just been supportive and helped me process we'd still be together, did you know that?
I didn't until the past three months. over a year too late.....
Don't it always seem to go
that you dont know what you've got til it's gone
pave paradise and put up a parking lot
Supposedly regrets aren't my style. Neither is crying for that matter. What can I say? at the moment I am forgotten..... no one left to live up to their standards. I almost died this morning... daydreamed about it a bit on the way to school. Is that sick or what?
decisions....... and I am somewhat undecided
So it's important to note that having no future changes a man. At some point, to be more specific the point in which your only future is paying a woman to carry your child, and a future without that is a hopeless wasteland. Not saying the future WITH that is any sort of fantasy or "achievement"
To explain why that is I need to further explain how I see myself. I am a huge pile of wasted potential. If I had made certain choice decisions I could be happily married, and or graduated from college, and or quite well off financially. To be anything less is a failure to WHO I am. I could be a doctor, an MD even, or on the fast track to be a US senator or the top of any field I chose. I could have enough money to buy what I want, anything I want. But I missed the boat on all of that. At some point a man has to realize that the past is the past and the future is the future, and they don't mix. Each has their share of oppertunity. The very least i can do at this point in my life is to push the envelope forward genetically, and to live the rest of my life as comfortable and happy as I can. Maybe I can write a book. But marrying the right woman, and having the career I am capable of is a ship that sailed loooong ago.
One goal I determined would dominate this decade is getting my PhD. At the time it seemed easy, as I had faith in the student aid system. This semester has eroded away every bit of faith in the student aid system. And most of my faith in God while we're discussing it. I'm now coming to realize that if I try to rely on student aid to do the job it was put there for, I'm going to lose my house, which incidentally is the culmination of all the investments I have ever made in my life. So I have to think about other options. Other options being the national guard...... And when you realize that my life serves little purpose OTHER than to achieve this PhD and have a child, both of which cost quite a large amount of money..... I'm not counting on unreliable bets, namely women and the financial aid system. Neither work to the function that God put them on earth to achieve. It is written "If a tree does not bare fruit then order it cut down and thrown into the fire" So..... that's where I stand.
To explain why that is I need to further explain how I see myself. I am a huge pile of wasted potential. If I had made certain choice decisions I could be happily married, and or graduated from college, and or quite well off financially. To be anything less is a failure to WHO I am. I could be a doctor, an MD even, or on the fast track to be a US senator or the top of any field I chose. I could have enough money to buy what I want, anything I want. But I missed the boat on all of that. At some point a man has to realize that the past is the past and the future is the future, and they don't mix. Each has their share of oppertunity. The very least i can do at this point in my life is to push the envelope forward genetically, and to live the rest of my life as comfortable and happy as I can. Maybe I can write a book. But marrying the right woman, and having the career I am capable of is a ship that sailed loooong ago.
One goal I determined would dominate this decade is getting my PhD. At the time it seemed easy, as I had faith in the student aid system. This semester has eroded away every bit of faith in the student aid system. And most of my faith in God while we're discussing it. I'm now coming to realize that if I try to rely on student aid to do the job it was put there for, I'm going to lose my house, which incidentally is the culmination of all the investments I have ever made in my life. So I have to think about other options. Other options being the national guard...... And when you realize that my life serves little purpose OTHER than to achieve this PhD and have a child, both of which cost quite a large amount of money..... I'm not counting on unreliable bets, namely women and the financial aid system. Neither work to the function that God put them on earth to achieve. It is written "If a tree does not bare fruit then order it cut down and thrown into the fire" So..... that's where I stand.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GbSwYce4pA
And you can take that to the bank, lord knows I can't
That bitch took me for everything!!!
oh yes.... big bang theory you are the show for me
And you can take that to the bank, lord knows I can't
That bitch took me for everything!!!
oh yes.... big bang theory you are the show for me
Monday, November 14, 2011
pain
I didn't go to school today
I almost killed myself last night
I talked to the woman I care for last night too
as far as what is significant, I think everything and nothing is
"you're a bartender who is close to liqueur all night and you AREN'T an alcoholic, obviously you don't know how to seize an opportunity" says a girl who has a crush on this guy, I don't know why that just describes me SO well. I lived with the best girl I could ever have found and we never dated. Obviously I fail to seize an opportunity.... maybe it was the best opportunity I'll ever have. I don't know.
I just saw pictures of the first girl, the girl the whole phenomena is named for, Laurel. She is IT, I swear, the reason that I said I would never love someone without it being mutual. She's changed you know. She's grown into someone new. I hardly recognize her. She might be more amazing, might not. I'll never know. I just think it's amazing how much someone can change in 5 years. yes that's right it's been 5 years since I loved her. Maybe it's like the Maya calander, and loving someone I can't have is part of the cycle..... wonder what would have happened if I was still married....... woah where did that come from? That's a debbie downer moment if ever there was one.
The girl that got away wanted my advice...... at least I mean something to her right? see that? That right there. Saying something like that is a symptom of the insanity that loving someone I can't have causes. I sort of told her about my situation...... without of course telling her it was her I wanted.... needed. For an emotional guy I keep alot bottled up inside
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KBthi_An5qQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I yelled at myself last night. I was so mad at myself for being such a putz. Feeling sorry for myself..... lots of BS. Maybe that's why I get into abusive relationships.
This is a beautiful quote "Scrooge liked the cold.
He was hard and sharp as a flint.
Secretive, self contained.
As solitary as an oyster. "
I almost killed myself last night
I talked to the woman I care for last night too
as far as what is significant, I think everything and nothing is
"you're a bartender who is close to liqueur all night and you AREN'T an alcoholic, obviously you don't know how to seize an opportunity" says a girl who has a crush on this guy, I don't know why that just describes me SO well. I lived with the best girl I could ever have found and we never dated. Obviously I fail to seize an opportunity.... maybe it was the best opportunity I'll ever have. I don't know.
I just saw pictures of the first girl, the girl the whole phenomena is named for, Laurel. She is IT, I swear, the reason that I said I would never love someone without it being mutual. She's changed you know. She's grown into someone new. I hardly recognize her. She might be more amazing, might not. I'll never know. I just think it's amazing how much someone can change in 5 years. yes that's right it's been 5 years since I loved her. Maybe it's like the Maya calander, and loving someone I can't have is part of the cycle..... wonder what would have happened if I was still married....... woah where did that come from? That's a debbie downer moment if ever there was one.
The girl that got away wanted my advice...... at least I mean something to her right? see that? That right there. Saying something like that is a symptom of the insanity that loving someone I can't have causes. I sort of told her about my situation...... without of course telling her it was her I wanted.... needed. For an emotional guy I keep alot bottled up inside
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KBthi_An5qQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I yelled at myself last night. I was so mad at myself for being such a putz. Feeling sorry for myself..... lots of BS. Maybe that's why I get into abusive relationships.
This is a beautiful quote "Scrooge liked the cold.
He was hard and sharp as a flint.
Secretive, self contained.
As solitary as an oyster. "
I really do identify with that character. It bothers me somewhat actually that I have been trying to slide through this classic Dickens story in reverse. I long to be the giant of a man that scrooge is at the beginning, because you see from the perspective of this man that is the ultimate achievement. I learned not to cry at some point during my childhood. Even during the past year and a half, the most painful moments of my life I smoke instead of crying. because to be melancholy I must be using something to break down the inhibitions. My inhibitions in sharing my pain are growing stronger all the time. Every time I try to be myself and all I receive is either ridicule or complacency, or worse still being ignored entirely, I discovery that deep down I am alone. No matter what sort of front I put up I am alone. As solitary as an oyster.
"as he made his way up the staircase, caring not a button for the darkness. darkness was cheap, and scrooge liked it"
"as he made his way up the staircase, caring not a button for the darkness. darkness was cheap, and scrooge liked it"
Saturday, November 12, 2011
the one that got away
alright, first of all I'd like to note I am sitting in the dark in my room typing this because my brain is holding my consciousness hostage until I deal with the emotions I'm feeling, and I am not in the mood to drug up to avoid feeling my feelings. It's not that I don't approve of the method, it's that it interferes with my sleep wake cycle in a way that ruins several days of work. And I need to be GOOD at work tomorrow.
So what I want to talk about is rules and guidelines, I set them for my brain, and today it has become official, I apparently can't follow them. For reasons that I'll get further into I have/had a rule established, a simple dating rule that has changed my whole approach to dating. This is it: chase girls that want me, avoid girls that dont.
Now that may seem logical in and of itself, but for various reasons in my late teens it wasn't, which led to the event I usually label: Max goes crazy over a girl. I don't mean crazy in a sweet way. I mean literally, obsessively crazy. Let's actually break down how crazy. I met my wife in the backlash of that crazy and it sort of led me to being stupid enough to marry her. THAT is how crazy. I was dealing with the backlash for over a year afterwards. And, here is the crazy part, the girl that inspired the feelings never had any idea, and when she did find out she rejected me. Again, life changing stuff.
But the point of today isn't just rehashing how bad that was, it's considering what is going on with me. I am single right now, for various reasons this is meaning I'm starting to slow down for the first time in a little over a year. At one point that made me realize I had loved my wife and I missed her. Today it made me realize in a way more real than ever that I do love someone else. I love the girl that got away.
So I won't name names, we can keep calling her the one that got away. But I realized, as I have several times and tried to beat it back into submission, that I love the girl that got away. I met the girl that got away one year ago. We had a one night stand, and it was clearly implied that was all it was ever to be. I felt amazing afterwards. I still don't know why, but I did. Then I didn't talk to her for three months, because shortly after the event she fell hard for another guy. I don't share women and I don't chase women who don't want me, those are the rules. Makes my life simpler. Then we started talking again, online. I started really opening up to her, I don't know why, I'm pretty easy to read if you want the truth. quite alot of things happened. She ended up pregnant. at one point she suggested we date, I had never thought of her that way, but once she acted interested, well it just made me think alot. In the end she ended up moving in. She became my best friend, though we never had sex, I never had felt that close with a woman, intellectually. We cohabitated very well. Then I had to louse it up. I started dating a girl who got jealous of her and I let that come between us, and she moved out and moved away. before she moved out the girl I was dating and I broke up, because the girl I was dating told me, quite explicitly, that I loved the girl that got away. How could I deny that I had feelings for the girl that got away? of course I did. I tried to stop her leaving, but I couldn't. So I dated another girl just to not be alone. that didn't work out. Now the girl that got away is dating another man, as she always has been. I feel like I'm last on her list of priorities. Once or twice I've tried to talk to her about how I feel. She never tells me how she feels about me. I want her. I daydream about her. I think I might be in love with this girl who is my best friend, and I don't know how to tell her, because how could I? What if that ruins any chance of me having her in my life as a friend? How can I tell her that it makes me ache seeing her chase other men, when all I want is to be the man she wants? How can I talk about how much I care about her, and I don't care about sex, or any of that, all I care about is that she's my best friend, and I trust her with everything. Except this. I'm so full of contradictions right now. I promised I'd never want someone I couldn't have. Yet I want her. It seems many of the things I want I can't have. I don't know. I'm lifting it up to God, because heck if I know what to do with it.
So what I want to talk about is rules and guidelines, I set them for my brain, and today it has become official, I apparently can't follow them. For reasons that I'll get further into I have/had a rule established, a simple dating rule that has changed my whole approach to dating. This is it: chase girls that want me, avoid girls that dont.
Now that may seem logical in and of itself, but for various reasons in my late teens it wasn't, which led to the event I usually label: Max goes crazy over a girl. I don't mean crazy in a sweet way. I mean literally, obsessively crazy. Let's actually break down how crazy. I met my wife in the backlash of that crazy and it sort of led me to being stupid enough to marry her. THAT is how crazy. I was dealing with the backlash for over a year afterwards. And, here is the crazy part, the girl that inspired the feelings never had any idea, and when she did find out she rejected me. Again, life changing stuff.
But the point of today isn't just rehashing how bad that was, it's considering what is going on with me. I am single right now, for various reasons this is meaning I'm starting to slow down for the first time in a little over a year. At one point that made me realize I had loved my wife and I missed her. Today it made me realize in a way more real than ever that I do love someone else. I love the girl that got away.
So I won't name names, we can keep calling her the one that got away. But I realized, as I have several times and tried to beat it back into submission, that I love the girl that got away. I met the girl that got away one year ago. We had a one night stand, and it was clearly implied that was all it was ever to be. I felt amazing afterwards. I still don't know why, but I did. Then I didn't talk to her for three months, because shortly after the event she fell hard for another guy. I don't share women and I don't chase women who don't want me, those are the rules. Makes my life simpler. Then we started talking again, online. I started really opening up to her, I don't know why, I'm pretty easy to read if you want the truth. quite alot of things happened. She ended up pregnant. at one point she suggested we date, I had never thought of her that way, but once she acted interested, well it just made me think alot. In the end she ended up moving in. She became my best friend, though we never had sex, I never had felt that close with a woman, intellectually. We cohabitated very well. Then I had to louse it up. I started dating a girl who got jealous of her and I let that come between us, and she moved out and moved away. before she moved out the girl I was dating and I broke up, because the girl I was dating told me, quite explicitly, that I loved the girl that got away. How could I deny that I had feelings for the girl that got away? of course I did. I tried to stop her leaving, but I couldn't. So I dated another girl just to not be alone. that didn't work out. Now the girl that got away is dating another man, as she always has been. I feel like I'm last on her list of priorities. Once or twice I've tried to talk to her about how I feel. She never tells me how she feels about me. I want her. I daydream about her. I think I might be in love with this girl who is my best friend, and I don't know how to tell her, because how could I? What if that ruins any chance of me having her in my life as a friend? How can I tell her that it makes me ache seeing her chase other men, when all I want is to be the man she wants? How can I talk about how much I care about her, and I don't care about sex, or any of that, all I care about is that she's my best friend, and I trust her with everything. Except this. I'm so full of contradictions right now. I promised I'd never want someone I couldn't have. Yet I want her. It seems many of the things I want I can't have. I don't know. I'm lifting it up to God, because heck if I know what to do with it.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
dream log
So just a quick update this morning. I had a dream that I think is of some importance so I figured I'd log it.
Lets see, for whatever reason Nikki was back in town and we were talking
we were talking about it working between us
she was apparently reluctant to make it work
then she changed her mind, and she said that we would have to work on breaking down the barriers she had built between her and feeling her feelings
then she said she loved me
and I told her I loved her
then my dad was angry about my door being closed
and I lied to him about what was going on, and he was suspicious
the whole time with nikki, in the dream, it felt like something vaguely sexual was going on. I'm not certain what.
So for my interpretation:
I miss Nikki, that explains a bit.
I've wanted her to have those feelings for me, explains quite a bit more.
as far as my dad? that's an odd thing. My thought is that the whole situation with the closed door reminds me of something I saw in the transformers movie the other night, so that might have made it creep into my dream. I also get the general sense that he doesn't approve of me going out with Nikki, or being involved with her period.
I don't need to take action on anything because of this
Lets see, for whatever reason Nikki was back in town and we were talking
we were talking about it working between us
she was apparently reluctant to make it work
then she changed her mind, and she said that we would have to work on breaking down the barriers she had built between her and feeling her feelings
then she said she loved me
and I told her I loved her
then my dad was angry about my door being closed
and I lied to him about what was going on, and he was suspicious
the whole time with nikki, in the dream, it felt like something vaguely sexual was going on. I'm not certain what.
So for my interpretation:
I miss Nikki, that explains a bit.
I've wanted her to have those feelings for me, explains quite a bit more.
as far as my dad? that's an odd thing. My thought is that the whole situation with the closed door reminds me of something I saw in the transformers movie the other night, so that might have made it creep into my dream. I also get the general sense that he doesn't approve of me going out with Nikki, or being involved with her period.
I don't need to take action on anything because of this
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
solitude
So given the fact that I have no one to have meaningful conversations with, I suppose venting to my blog is a good outlet for my daily ideas, frustrations, and general rambling.
It's an interesting paradox, being alone. On one hand it's enormously rewarding. Take for example food. I can survive on less than 20 dollars a week if I don't eat out (I do eat out from being alone, but that's another story). I don't go on dates right now, though I do have the time again. Oh in a bit of side note I took the job back.
On the other hand though I have no one to share the news of my daily life with. My parents are pretty much it and they don't really give me enough feedback. I desire feedback, discussion, some sort of meaning and way to help me process the things that happen in an average day of my life. My friends are all drifted away, and I don't know if I'm going to make new ones.
Back to why I am alone. I don't like people. I don't trust them for one, and second I have little use for them. I enjoy the short term exchanges.... I enjoy friendships when I have them, but for whatever reason don't go search out new ones when I lack any. If only I could have that much apathy for dating.
I had a discussion with a lady at school today about having kids. She's pregnant and we were talking about the practical matter of having kids. So I happened to mention that I don't know when or how I will have kids, at least by the traditional method. And then I told her about the method I am working on, namely the surrogate process, embryo selection, that whole good thing. She disapproved. Said that I shouldn't deprive the other embryo's a chance at life. To which I counterargued that they wouldn't have a chance anyway without me making a plan...... and she drifted away from the conversation. See what I mean about people? Absolutely useless to providing meaningful feedback.
I keep putting up personal ads, I think by habit at this point, and the responses just don't get me interested. I want............. love I suppose, meaningful friendship, a connection with someone that I have lacked for the past year and a half. I miss my wife horribly right now, even though I know how bad for me she would be at this present moment. Making demands, lowering my efficiency. Doesn't stop me from remembering the good times though. See, the bad memories were the easy ones. Because I could just think "Well good thing I got rid of the person who did THAT"..... the good memories make me sad. I had something.... I want to say wonderful, but I know in my heart it was just satisfactory. I was content. Oh well. All water under the bridge.
I'm having God issues right now. I still don't understand what, if anything, he is doing. I feel as strongly as ever that it is my destiny to move to that property in Denver. The vision has not and I suspect will not go away. Yet he gives me no hope....... aside from that I am sure of his ability to do it. His ability is unquestioned. His will is. And I suppose that's where my faith fails. Because no matter how much ego and how much I like myself I will still be doubtful of someone else doing something to benefit me until it happens. I love him, but he has not done anything about it. I don't even know if he cares about me or my dreams at all.
It's an interesting paradox, being alone. On one hand it's enormously rewarding. Take for example food. I can survive on less than 20 dollars a week if I don't eat out (I do eat out from being alone, but that's another story). I don't go on dates right now, though I do have the time again. Oh in a bit of side note I took the job back.
On the other hand though I have no one to share the news of my daily life with. My parents are pretty much it and they don't really give me enough feedback. I desire feedback, discussion, some sort of meaning and way to help me process the things that happen in an average day of my life. My friends are all drifted away, and I don't know if I'm going to make new ones.
Back to why I am alone. I don't like people. I don't trust them for one, and second I have little use for them. I enjoy the short term exchanges.... I enjoy friendships when I have them, but for whatever reason don't go search out new ones when I lack any. If only I could have that much apathy for dating.
I had a discussion with a lady at school today about having kids. She's pregnant and we were talking about the practical matter of having kids. So I happened to mention that I don't know when or how I will have kids, at least by the traditional method. And then I told her about the method I am working on, namely the surrogate process, embryo selection, that whole good thing. She disapproved. Said that I shouldn't deprive the other embryo's a chance at life. To which I counterargued that they wouldn't have a chance anyway without me making a plan...... and she drifted away from the conversation. See what I mean about people? Absolutely useless to providing meaningful feedback.
I keep putting up personal ads, I think by habit at this point, and the responses just don't get me interested. I want............. love I suppose, meaningful friendship, a connection with someone that I have lacked for the past year and a half. I miss my wife horribly right now, even though I know how bad for me she would be at this present moment. Making demands, lowering my efficiency. Doesn't stop me from remembering the good times though. See, the bad memories were the easy ones. Because I could just think "Well good thing I got rid of the person who did THAT"..... the good memories make me sad. I had something.... I want to say wonderful, but I know in my heart it was just satisfactory. I was content. Oh well. All water under the bridge.
I'm having God issues right now. I still don't understand what, if anything, he is doing. I feel as strongly as ever that it is my destiny to move to that property in Denver. The vision has not and I suspect will not go away. Yet he gives me no hope....... aside from that I am sure of his ability to do it. His ability is unquestioned. His will is. And I suppose that's where my faith fails. Because no matter how much ego and how much I like myself I will still be doubtful of someone else doing something to benefit me until it happens. I love him, but he has not done anything about it. I don't even know if he cares about me or my dreams at all.
Monday, November 7, 2011
missing her
I am officially done with the first job I've taken and had a shot at since my marriage ended.... and I don't want to talk about it
I never thought I'd say this, or I should say I never thought I would mean this: I miss my wife.
I really do. It's painful to realize that I could have done more to save my marriage. I mean I always suspected that while it was happening I could have stopped it, but for the life of me I couldn't have figured it out. Of course I don't know now whether the me I was then could have done all that I've done since she left.
I did love her. Just for the record. Which is why it bothers me so much that I can't remember what her voice sounded like. I can remember holding her in my arms, so many times. I remember cooking with her in our little apartment. I remember getting in fights and making up before I could make it down the stairs. I remember holidays together. I thought we were happy.... I guess something I did..... I swear I still think it has to do with me not having enough money for her...... in many ways I'm still trying to be good enough..... or at least get good enough for that not to happen to me again.
I wish I could get away from here. I pray about it almost every night...... with no results.... yet.
So now that I have time again I'm going to consider dating some more.
I don't know if I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for. I don't know that I'm looking for the right thing either.
you know life would be perfect right now if my wife was still by my side.... assuming we were getting along that is. If I had just decided to go back to school then, and maybe joined the national guard...... then right now I would still be with her, not him.
I hate that she's still alive and living with another man. It makes my skin crawl.
I also hate that no one gives a damn about me or my pithy life.
I hate that she said we'd stay friends, that was such a lie.
I hate that she's still fat, and still the exact same person she was when she was married to me.
I hate that she's trying to lose weight for him, because apparently I wasn't enough
I hate that she looks happy.
I never thought I'd say this, or I should say I never thought I would mean this: I miss my wife.
I really do. It's painful to realize that I could have done more to save my marriage. I mean I always suspected that while it was happening I could have stopped it, but for the life of me I couldn't have figured it out. Of course I don't know now whether the me I was then could have done all that I've done since she left.
I did love her. Just for the record. Which is why it bothers me so much that I can't remember what her voice sounded like. I can remember holding her in my arms, so many times. I remember cooking with her in our little apartment. I remember getting in fights and making up before I could make it down the stairs. I remember holidays together. I thought we were happy.... I guess something I did..... I swear I still think it has to do with me not having enough money for her...... in many ways I'm still trying to be good enough..... or at least get good enough for that not to happen to me again.
I wish I could get away from here. I pray about it almost every night...... with no results.... yet.
So now that I have time again I'm going to consider dating some more.
I don't know if I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for. I don't know that I'm looking for the right thing either.
you know life would be perfect right now if my wife was still by my side.... assuming we were getting along that is. If I had just decided to go back to school then, and maybe joined the national guard...... then right now I would still be with her, not him.
I hate that she's still alive and living with another man. It makes my skin crawl.
I also hate that no one gives a damn about me or my pithy life.
I hate that she said we'd stay friends, that was such a lie.
I hate that she's still fat, and still the exact same person she was when she was married to me.
I hate that she's trying to lose weight for him, because apparently I wasn't enough
I hate that she looks happy.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
an unexpected perk of single life
So for the past year and a half this month I have been out of my marriage, been dating, two relationships and 5 women slept with, yes in fact I do keep track.
For confidentiality I will go only by first names:
1. Nikki
2 Jenn
3: unknown girl in february or march, my dates are kind of fuzzy
4 Shannon
5 Haley
Bringing my yearly average to 3 and a half for the past two years, of course I'm going by calender year
On the other hand this year, the second year, while I have doubtless increased the number of women I have slept with, as far as frequency goes it is on the decline. For instance with #3 it was a one night stand, a horrible one, I could tell war stories. same, in a different way with #4
#5 takes the prize this year for frequency, giving me more than 25 times to learn from.
Yes I'm being public, yes I'm being blunt.
Now for the reason I am in review mode, I am once more single, I had two relationships over this fall, and when the second one ended for various reasons I was uninterested in entering into a third, mostly for damage control reasons. Most of the time when I remain single for months on end it's a damage control effort.
So right before that relationship ended I recieved a job offer, which I am on the first week of right now. A realization that I had way back at the beginning of my enforced solitude was that most of my work conflicts had roots in my romantic life. In particular my marriage took much of my energy. I saw a radical change in fact from when I was unmarried to being married in that my job success took a nosedive and never fully recovered.
So now there is nothing, and I mean nothing, to stop me from working every minute of the day I can, and that I can be scheduled. 31 hours next week. This sort of work ads up in a big way on payday. So the net result is that 1: I'm more busy, productive, and therefor in theory healthier, 2: my wallet gets a little more fat and 3: my social needs are met and in fact overflowing.
Which leads to my point. I'm not dating unless a sign from God occurs or a woman that literally takes my breath away shows up. I'd much rather be alone and well off than with someone and poor. That's just the nature of the beast of my life. Furthermore if I can maintain this level of activity over the course of years, and can combine it with relatively good fiscal management, I can keep my house (hopefully), upgrade my standard of living (mind you it isn't bad already, just needing some tweaks), and eventually if plans work out begin building my fortune. From such small beginnings come larger progress. Furthermore by avoiding women (who I don't know if you've noticed, but are the source of most financial hardship), I avoid accumulating more debt and as a net result by the time I'm 40 could be a millionaire, or living the lifestyle of one.
So in the spirit of the season I want to list the upgrades to my lifestyle, in priority order
1. Full large tech upgrade, new desktop, new big screen tv, and some accessories to go with it
2: garage door lock
3: large winter coat
4: washer/dryer
5: furniture
6: Small tech upgrades: router, network drive(s), bedroom tv, hardware upgrades to PC, perhaps when the price point is low enough employing a second PC to run certain household functions
7: appliance repairs, ice maker and dish washer
8 3 piece suit
9 double breasted suit
10 dress boots
11 small clothing items, french cuff shirts, tie tacks, tie pins, cuff links, ties, hats, canes
For confidentiality I will go only by first names:
1. Nikki
2 Jenn
3: unknown girl in february or march, my dates are kind of fuzzy
4 Shannon
5 Haley
Bringing my yearly average to 3 and a half for the past two years, of course I'm going by calender year
On the other hand this year, the second year, while I have doubtless increased the number of women I have slept with, as far as frequency goes it is on the decline. For instance with #3 it was a one night stand, a horrible one, I could tell war stories. same, in a different way with #4
#5 takes the prize this year for frequency, giving me more than 25 times to learn from.
Yes I'm being public, yes I'm being blunt.
Now for the reason I am in review mode, I am once more single, I had two relationships over this fall, and when the second one ended for various reasons I was uninterested in entering into a third, mostly for damage control reasons. Most of the time when I remain single for months on end it's a damage control effort.
So right before that relationship ended I recieved a job offer, which I am on the first week of right now. A realization that I had way back at the beginning of my enforced solitude was that most of my work conflicts had roots in my romantic life. In particular my marriage took much of my energy. I saw a radical change in fact from when I was unmarried to being married in that my job success took a nosedive and never fully recovered.
So now there is nothing, and I mean nothing, to stop me from working every minute of the day I can, and that I can be scheduled. 31 hours next week. This sort of work ads up in a big way on payday. So the net result is that 1: I'm more busy, productive, and therefor in theory healthier, 2: my wallet gets a little more fat and 3: my social needs are met and in fact overflowing.
Which leads to my point. I'm not dating unless a sign from God occurs or a woman that literally takes my breath away shows up. I'd much rather be alone and well off than with someone and poor. That's just the nature of the beast of my life. Furthermore if I can maintain this level of activity over the course of years, and can combine it with relatively good fiscal management, I can keep my house (hopefully), upgrade my standard of living (mind you it isn't bad already, just needing some tweaks), and eventually if plans work out begin building my fortune. From such small beginnings come larger progress. Furthermore by avoiding women (who I don't know if you've noticed, but are the source of most financial hardship), I avoid accumulating more debt and as a net result by the time I'm 40 could be a millionaire, or living the lifestyle of one.
So in the spirit of the season I want to list the upgrades to my lifestyle, in priority order
1. Full large tech upgrade, new desktop, new big screen tv, and some accessories to go with it
2: garage door lock
3: large winter coat
4: washer/dryer
5: furniture
6: Small tech upgrades: router, network drive(s), bedroom tv, hardware upgrades to PC, perhaps when the price point is low enough employing a second PC to run certain household functions
7: appliance repairs, ice maker and dish washer
8 3 piece suit
9 double breasted suit
10 dress boots
11 small clothing items, french cuff shirts, tie tacks, tie pins, cuff links, ties, hats, canes
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