I had thought that in a week or two the last word would be said in terms of the journey I'm on.
It was somewhat distressing in the way that all endings are. We expect a certain amount of sadness. Then Thursday happened. I want to emphasize that I had reached total peace with the end. I knew two facts: God is good and faithful, and I am wily and hard to destroy. They aren't entirely separate. I wouldn't be so hard to hurt if God wasn't my ally. God wouldn't be so good to me if I didn't trust him so completely (or so I assume).
Then the crisis I expected wasn't. The ones intent to attack me were attacked themselves, needed me to help. "Strange travel plans are dancing lessons from God", as Vonnegut once said. I still find it ironic that the best theological commentary is in a book written by an agnostic humanist. He said that anyone who can't understand how a completely false religion could be useful wouldn't understand. Yet this veteran Christian understands all too well that truth couldn't matter less. What matters is results. What matters is that my faith presented me with better fruit than I hoped for.
I can't say what this means for my walk with God. I've been seeking him for so long, and his results have been so strange. By strange I don't mean abnormal, from what I can tell he acts like this to everyone. I mean that it goes so against the grain of what I thought a loving God would be. God loves me like the wind blowing my hair out of my face and then in my eyes. God loves me like the rain, cleaning the air and flooding my yard. God is more than I can ever understand, yet I try. One of these days I will be fully satisfied and then I will cease to try. I know and trust fully that it will come. What's more I know that I won't see it until I'm there. More important is the understanding that the truth of that moment will satisfy in ways I can't fathom until I'm in that moment, and maybe not even then.
God is good.
God is faithful.
God's hand is ever active on behalf of those he loves.
When I understand that I can't understand that's when he acts.
When I know I have been faithful, and the attacks come anyway, that's when he defends.
Nothing artificial can create a connection to his provision. It's there anyway. His provision is persistent.
It was somewhat distressing in the way that all endings are. We expect a certain amount of sadness. Then Thursday happened. I want to emphasize that I had reached total peace with the end. I knew two facts: God is good and faithful, and I am wily and hard to destroy. They aren't entirely separate. I wouldn't be so hard to hurt if God wasn't my ally. God wouldn't be so good to me if I didn't trust him so completely (or so I assume).
Then the crisis I expected wasn't. The ones intent to attack me were attacked themselves, needed me to help. "Strange travel plans are dancing lessons from God", as Vonnegut once said. I still find it ironic that the best theological commentary is in a book written by an agnostic humanist. He said that anyone who can't understand how a completely false religion could be useful wouldn't understand. Yet this veteran Christian understands all too well that truth couldn't matter less. What matters is results. What matters is that my faith presented me with better fruit than I hoped for.
I can't say what this means for my walk with God. I've been seeking him for so long, and his results have been so strange. By strange I don't mean abnormal, from what I can tell he acts like this to everyone. I mean that it goes so against the grain of what I thought a loving God would be. God loves me like the wind blowing my hair out of my face and then in my eyes. God loves me like the rain, cleaning the air and flooding my yard. God is more than I can ever understand, yet I try. One of these days I will be fully satisfied and then I will cease to try. I know and trust fully that it will come. What's more I know that I won't see it until I'm there. More important is the understanding that the truth of that moment will satisfy in ways I can't fathom until I'm in that moment, and maybe not even then.
God is good.
God is faithful.
God's hand is ever active on behalf of those he loves.
When I understand that I can't understand that's when he acts.
When I know I have been faithful, and the attacks come anyway, that's when he defends.
Nothing artificial can create a connection to his provision. It's there anyway. His provision is persistent.
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