Winning. Being one of the only guys to be able to pull 50 hour week after 50 hour week. Looking at my bank account and seeing enough, not much more, but enough. My fiance getting an interview and a stand mixer. I'm just saying, to God the glory it feels so good to win. Yes it does feel great to give, but it feels so great and humbling to receive. To get the feeling of a wave lifting you up. I'm hoping, dreaming really, that this is just the first swell. For everything there is a season, and I think it might just be the season where we win, the season where it all pays off, and the season that every word I've read and every word I've said pays off. It doesn't have to, because today is good. Today is great actually, I'd like to freeze it in amber and come back here on vacation.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
What works
What works:
For 5 years I have wanted to find someone else who has gone through what I've been going through, who despite making seemingly good decisions and trusting God was as under attack and troubled as I was. Specifically I wanted someone to write about what it is like when God shows up. I wanted documentation, what was going on RIGHT before he appeared, miracle in hand, ready to fix things. Since I never found it, I'm writing it now.
Unexpected, in a word. I have found the secret to gaining many useful things is to forget about them, do without. I'm not an acetic type of person, I live life to the full. To use a line I want to “suck the marrow out of life.” Yet the past few years have taught me more about how to make something with less. I still plan to enjoy everything coming my way, but I know how to stretch it further. Today started out fairly normal. Actually it started out shitty, literally. I woke up because the cat pooped on the bed. With this start I got breakfast and went to work, only to find that my mp3 player hadn't charged. I pushed on though, I started singing. Things got better, I managed to turn around my lack of energy and produce well enough to coast the rest of the day. Then I went and got lunch. While I was sitting at lunch I got several calls. Another audit was one of them, but the important one was from my insurance agent, my fiance's uncle. He wanted to drive to me so I could sign some papers, so I said ok. I decided it was okay because I had time, I had just sat down with my lunch. He showed up, and after we took care of the insurance thing he offered to fix my whole house trouble. This has been an item of prayer for 7 months, and frankly I had come to the conclusion that God was going to let me dig out on my own. Which would have been fine, he was comforting me and he had allowed me peace about where I am.
So I'm still in a state of shock. In the past few hours I've gone over and over again, what did I do? Well the short answer is nothing because God's grace is the source of the blessing, not anything I earned. Yet I did hit on some major points, changes in myself that I think he's seeing, maybe the point of the trial.
The first major point is humility. The concept of turn the other cheek has been taken to a new level in my life. Previously it didn't take conscious effort to turn away from those who provoke me, now however I have been raw. In the same vein is suffering in silence, really I think this is the biggest change in the last 60 days. I read somewhere about suffering, about what God wants us to do when we are suffering. It said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to complain while we're waiting on him. It convicted me, because I've complained way too much. I decided to try and stop. I'm still working on it, but I'm still learning not to talk about my struggles. Not because I'm not open to help, if people ask or if it's relevant to the conversation, I might mention it.
The second major thing is trust. It has taken me years to realize that his plan is his plan. I'm not in charge, I'm not even on the list of people consulted in case of a decision. He has made it clear he's running things, and what's more, he knows what he's doing. It's led to an entirely different kind of relationship with him. I realize now I have to be grateful for what I get, because I can never deserve it. I mean I could have told you all this 5 years ago, but internalizing it has been my spiritual task for years.
So the question I keep asking is what now?
It would be so easy to fall back into thinking that this breakthrough means God is going to do xyz, at last, that I've been waiting for. That wasn't what worked though. God isn't the weather. Nothing this morning could have predicted this afternoon. Nothing.
I have to keep trusting him. I have to focus on today, today things are a little better, and I need to hold that close, enjoy it. Whatever comes next will come on it's own. For today, this is one grateful guy,
Max
For 5 years I have wanted to find someone else who has gone through what I've been going through, who despite making seemingly good decisions and trusting God was as under attack and troubled as I was. Specifically I wanted someone to write about what it is like when God shows up. I wanted documentation, what was going on RIGHT before he appeared, miracle in hand, ready to fix things. Since I never found it, I'm writing it now.
Unexpected, in a word. I have found the secret to gaining many useful things is to forget about them, do without. I'm not an acetic type of person, I live life to the full. To use a line I want to “suck the marrow out of life.” Yet the past few years have taught me more about how to make something with less. I still plan to enjoy everything coming my way, but I know how to stretch it further. Today started out fairly normal. Actually it started out shitty, literally. I woke up because the cat pooped on the bed. With this start I got breakfast and went to work, only to find that my mp3 player hadn't charged. I pushed on though, I started singing. Things got better, I managed to turn around my lack of energy and produce well enough to coast the rest of the day. Then I went and got lunch. While I was sitting at lunch I got several calls. Another audit was one of them, but the important one was from my insurance agent, my fiance's uncle. He wanted to drive to me so I could sign some papers, so I said ok. I decided it was okay because I had time, I had just sat down with my lunch. He showed up, and after we took care of the insurance thing he offered to fix my whole house trouble. This has been an item of prayer for 7 months, and frankly I had come to the conclusion that God was going to let me dig out on my own. Which would have been fine, he was comforting me and he had allowed me peace about where I am.
So I'm still in a state of shock. In the past few hours I've gone over and over again, what did I do? Well the short answer is nothing because God's grace is the source of the blessing, not anything I earned. Yet I did hit on some major points, changes in myself that I think he's seeing, maybe the point of the trial.
The first major point is humility. The concept of turn the other cheek has been taken to a new level in my life. Previously it didn't take conscious effort to turn away from those who provoke me, now however I have been raw. In the same vein is suffering in silence, really I think this is the biggest change in the last 60 days. I read somewhere about suffering, about what God wants us to do when we are suffering. It said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to complain while we're waiting on him. It convicted me, because I've complained way too much. I decided to try and stop. I'm still working on it, but I'm still learning not to talk about my struggles. Not because I'm not open to help, if people ask or if it's relevant to the conversation, I might mention it.
The second major thing is trust. It has taken me years to realize that his plan is his plan. I'm not in charge, I'm not even on the list of people consulted in case of a decision. He has made it clear he's running things, and what's more, he knows what he's doing. It's led to an entirely different kind of relationship with him. I realize now I have to be grateful for what I get, because I can never deserve it. I mean I could have told you all this 5 years ago, but internalizing it has been my spiritual task for years.
So the question I keep asking is what now?
It would be so easy to fall back into thinking that this breakthrough means God is going to do xyz, at last, that I've been waiting for. That wasn't what worked though. God isn't the weather. Nothing this morning could have predicted this afternoon. Nothing.
I have to keep trusting him. I have to focus on today, today things are a little better, and I need to hold that close, enjoy it. Whatever comes next will come on it's own. For today, this is one grateful guy,
Max
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
when will life begin? (philosophical rambling)
I've been thinking about the concept of life, and it so called "beginning". When a happy couple gets married on the younger end of their lives they are "starting a life together". Same seems to go for leaving home and going to college. So what does that mean? Are we not alive before then? Of course not, but what do we mean by "beginning life"? It is my understanding that we are referring to the time when we are enjoying the experience of living as our life. Further evidence crops up when people say "my life is over". Which from a logical standpoint should be a very limited and rare phrase to hear. Yet because of the romantic notions that have become part of our culture we think life is over just because we get fired, lose all our possessions, or lose someone. Yet by saying "my life is over" you use your voice. This verifies that you continue to breath and therefor are not dead yet.
I'm starting to wonder if this romanticism is a bad thing. I mean, after Lindsay left I felt like I was dead, but I wasn't actually dead. Often I was quite high, and I managed to sleep quite a bit which is sort of a preview of death. After I slept though I ended up waking up, both physically and metaphorically.
Here is how the dictionary defines life:
the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
See, nothing in there about state of mind or relationship with outside beings. Verification of life is not necessary to life. There are thousands, perhaps millions of unclassified living creatures on this planet. Yet they are alive.
I kind of feel like I wrote myself into an end earlier than I thought I would. I thought I could get at least half an hour of thinking out of this idea, but it's closed. I've said all I can say.
I'm starting to wonder if this romanticism is a bad thing. I mean, after Lindsay left I felt like I was dead, but I wasn't actually dead. Often I was quite high, and I managed to sleep quite a bit which is sort of a preview of death. After I slept though I ended up waking up, both physically and metaphorically.
Here is how the dictionary defines life:
the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
See, nothing in there about state of mind or relationship with outside beings. Verification of life is not necessary to life. There are thousands, perhaps millions of unclassified living creatures on this planet. Yet they are alive.
I kind of feel like I wrote myself into an end earlier than I thought I would. I thought I could get at least half an hour of thinking out of this idea, but it's closed. I've said all I can say.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
worship in the dark
I read something lately, and during one of my dark moments it really struck home. It said that the greatest worship we can bring during tests is to endure them with silence and humility. I've been trying to do that. So just because I'm silent don't assume my prayers are answered, I just realize that cursing the pain isn't submitting to him. Yes, it hurts. Yes I'll even admit I feel it's unfair, unjust, and more than is reasonable.
I serve a mighty and superb God though. The attacks are huge, but he's greater still.
This month I lost smoking, I suspect forever. After a year long fast I tried to enjoy a cigar. I didn't like it. The taste for it is gone. I don't know if I can explain what it's like to lose something you loved to do, just because your body won't go.... More a loss is a part of who I was. I liked smoking as a rugged individual, as a stance against the world. Yet I wonder if it wasn't taken from me on purpose. Now I'm not doing anything proactive to die. Maybe that means I'll live again. I think the best is ahead. I think that God's not done yet. More than that I think that God knows what he is doing, and whatever comes I trust him.
I serve a mighty and superb God though. The attacks are huge, but he's greater still.
This month I lost smoking, I suspect forever. After a year long fast I tried to enjoy a cigar. I didn't like it. The taste for it is gone. I don't know if I can explain what it's like to lose something you loved to do, just because your body won't go.... More a loss is a part of who I was. I liked smoking as a rugged individual, as a stance against the world. Yet I wonder if it wasn't taken from me on purpose. Now I'm not doing anything proactive to die. Maybe that means I'll live again. I think the best is ahead. I think that God's not done yet. More than that I think that God knows what he is doing, and whatever comes I trust him.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
longing unfufilled
So much I long for, and so out of reach.
I have determined that the only happiness there is, if you can call it that, is finding a place of satisfaction within what can be had. There will always be more that could be, more to possess, more to do. That's the curse of the human condition.
Yet how can I satisfy myself when even the meager pleasures which I depend on are beyond my grasp. I long to play a simple game, yet my hardware fails me.... I long to write.... yet I'm stuck. I long for intimacy... my flesh refuses to act as I command it in every direction I go.
I long for a greater life, even though I have told myself OVER AND OVER that anything beyond my own ability to get is in the hands of God. A God who has no impulses I can observe about material desires. I am impotent even there, because my ministry has become so meager, compared to what it once was.
Sometimes I think he blesses us simply so we can regret that we didn't treasure the moments enough. Every time things go well I believe that he will bring still greater things to be. Yet even as I anticipate his glory what good he brought me is destroyed.
It can always get worse, and likely it will sooner or later. I don't want to be negative, but my frustration reaches such heights. No one appears to understand. Even when I explain in the most naked of terms, I am alone. What use is language when no amount of expressing brings me closer to others. As I browse my thoughts I find myself more and more amazed by the disappointing nature of other humans. Everybody is zealot for something, some for religion, others for money, but can no one be zealous for truth? For a better humanity? Is it too much to ask that we look beyond our simple lives and hope for a future? Ahh, but what is hope but a poor man's hope and a rich man's glory. And which am I? I am pragmatic and at times talented with money, and I was born to... a higher class. Yet I work a working class job. I fit better with the working classes than with the moneyed elite. I'm not even sure I want to understand the upper class. What kind of person can enjoy a feast while the common man starves? I mean of course philosophically, food isn't out of reach as a practical matter.
I have walked through over 100 yards with empty beautiful pools this summer. I have seen poor children playing in sprinklers. See the contrast? The public pools are either overcrowded or shut down, and even the private pools(semi private) are packed... and unsatisfying.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I thought I was important, to God, to humanity. Now I don't think so as much. I think I would be quite fortunate to be allowed to earn a decent living, despite my philosophical longings to ditch capitalism. My dreams are so far divorced from where I am. I dream of water in the desert, air on the moon, and ice on the sun. I am aware that God is able, yet I am also aware that nothing I do can bring his will faster, and his will may not be what I asked for, or even something I recognize.
After years of customer service and sales I become who-ever the people I meet want me to be. I find I cannot stop being kind, gentle and loving towards those I meet no matter how much pain I feel. No matter how far behind I am I will still stop to explain to a worried homeowner. Because I care for them. Yet it seems I care more for those than my Lord does to me. I don't refer to how much he loves me, for his thoughts and heart are his own to monitor, and how would I know them apart from what he tells me? Of course he loves me, it is his nature. I refer to care, the action. Love in terms of the verb. A man may love his children yet if he does not tell them, if he does not comfort them when they cry, if he does not feed them when they ask, how would they know? Yet we are told that God is capable of rewarding those that seek him far better than the ideal father of the story. I am told that refers to the holy spirit infilling our souls. As far as I am aware the holy spirit still dwells in me, though we disagree much more now than we did.
I suppose I'll try tithing again, even though it will slow my recovery.... I am just so tired. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of it being MY fault for being born into this situation, into this country, into this world. I'm tired of this frankly quite wonderful life showing it's backside to me. I'm tired of waiting. But wait I must, because though I am weak and so is my hope, God is strong where I am weak. Given my tiredness, my weakness, how strong must he be? Given his goodness..... I don't know what to expect apart from change, and a better life, or better yet no more torturous life at all. Even yet I still would prefer death to a small improvement. It would be a large improvement indeed if it could make me love life more than death.
Death is definite, it's coming and everyone knows that. Death means that the physical body which I struggle to maintain isn't my problem anymore. Most of all death means either judgement or nothingness, and I embrace either. I have attempted to be the best man I can in this situation, that would justify me in most eastern philosophies. I have followed God with all my heart, with all I am, and known Christ, which in my opinion covers the most likely situation. Finally I have enjoyed the most of this life, which justifies me if there is nothing at all, the next most likely situation.
I have determined that the only happiness there is, if you can call it that, is finding a place of satisfaction within what can be had. There will always be more that could be, more to possess, more to do. That's the curse of the human condition.
Yet how can I satisfy myself when even the meager pleasures which I depend on are beyond my grasp. I long to play a simple game, yet my hardware fails me.... I long to write.... yet I'm stuck. I long for intimacy... my flesh refuses to act as I command it in every direction I go.
I long for a greater life, even though I have told myself OVER AND OVER that anything beyond my own ability to get is in the hands of God. A God who has no impulses I can observe about material desires. I am impotent even there, because my ministry has become so meager, compared to what it once was.
Sometimes I think he blesses us simply so we can regret that we didn't treasure the moments enough. Every time things go well I believe that he will bring still greater things to be. Yet even as I anticipate his glory what good he brought me is destroyed.
It can always get worse, and likely it will sooner or later. I don't want to be negative, but my frustration reaches such heights. No one appears to understand. Even when I explain in the most naked of terms, I am alone. What use is language when no amount of expressing brings me closer to others. As I browse my thoughts I find myself more and more amazed by the disappointing nature of other humans. Everybody is zealot for something, some for religion, others for money, but can no one be zealous for truth? For a better humanity? Is it too much to ask that we look beyond our simple lives and hope for a future? Ahh, but what is hope but a poor man's hope and a rich man's glory. And which am I? I am pragmatic and at times talented with money, and I was born to... a higher class. Yet I work a working class job. I fit better with the working classes than with the moneyed elite. I'm not even sure I want to understand the upper class. What kind of person can enjoy a feast while the common man starves? I mean of course philosophically, food isn't out of reach as a practical matter.
I have walked through over 100 yards with empty beautiful pools this summer. I have seen poor children playing in sprinklers. See the contrast? The public pools are either overcrowded or shut down, and even the private pools(semi private) are packed... and unsatisfying.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I thought I was important, to God, to humanity. Now I don't think so as much. I think I would be quite fortunate to be allowed to earn a decent living, despite my philosophical longings to ditch capitalism. My dreams are so far divorced from where I am. I dream of water in the desert, air on the moon, and ice on the sun. I am aware that God is able, yet I am also aware that nothing I do can bring his will faster, and his will may not be what I asked for, or even something I recognize.
After years of customer service and sales I become who-ever the people I meet want me to be. I find I cannot stop being kind, gentle and loving towards those I meet no matter how much pain I feel. No matter how far behind I am I will still stop to explain to a worried homeowner. Because I care for them. Yet it seems I care more for those than my Lord does to me. I don't refer to how much he loves me, for his thoughts and heart are his own to monitor, and how would I know them apart from what he tells me? Of course he loves me, it is his nature. I refer to care, the action. Love in terms of the verb. A man may love his children yet if he does not tell them, if he does not comfort them when they cry, if he does not feed them when they ask, how would they know? Yet we are told that God is capable of rewarding those that seek him far better than the ideal father of the story. I am told that refers to the holy spirit infilling our souls. As far as I am aware the holy spirit still dwells in me, though we disagree much more now than we did.
I suppose I'll try tithing again, even though it will slow my recovery.... I am just so tired. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of it being MY fault for being born into this situation, into this country, into this world. I'm tired of this frankly quite wonderful life showing it's backside to me. I'm tired of waiting. But wait I must, because though I am weak and so is my hope, God is strong where I am weak. Given my tiredness, my weakness, how strong must he be? Given his goodness..... I don't know what to expect apart from change, and a better life, or better yet no more torturous life at all. Even yet I still would prefer death to a small improvement. It would be a large improvement indeed if it could make me love life more than death.
Death is definite, it's coming and everyone knows that. Death means that the physical body which I struggle to maintain isn't my problem anymore. Most of all death means either judgement or nothingness, and I embrace either. I have attempted to be the best man I can in this situation, that would justify me in most eastern philosophies. I have followed God with all my heart, with all I am, and known Christ, which in my opinion covers the most likely situation. Finally I have enjoyed the most of this life, which justifies me if there is nothing at all, the next most likely situation.
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