not feeling this talking thing today

I don't want to speak bad things over my life, so I'll let the music do the talking:


I like:
"Oh but more a sin than letting it in it's letting our good fortune out."

the rest is pretty obvious.

a moment of supreme frustrating doubt

I know what my folks would say, they would say I should sleep because I need sleep. Well by that logic I should eat, because eating keeps me alive. I should go to work constantly because work produces results and results make the world better. Yes logic is easy when you take out pain and frustration.

I can totally explain God's goodness with this logical bit: If I have seen God's goodness I cannot deny his love. If I have seen God's power I cannot deny it exists. If I believe that he has this personal love for me and have experienced it I must logically assume that he will use what power he has to effect things for my good.

But then there is the moment in which what is good for me is not what I want. I am in agony right now, emotionally, physically, I cannot stand this place I am in and I long for oblivion and death. I would rather not exist than be here. Yet I have been cursed to exist as such. Which comes to an argument I had today with my mom. She said  "wake up in the morning and thank God for blessing you with another day to live". You do not understand, as I told her. Another day to live is another day in pain. I know he COULD liberate me that day, but what are the odds?

I have been waiting on him for months while throwing myself passionately against the problems in my life. Now I am standing and waiting, surrendering my life to him. It HURTS. I see no sign it will ever stop except for when I get really lucky and pass on. That's the best it gets for poor and depressed people.

anyway I found this while searching for "is he capable but not willing?" which is my biggest faith question. I have heard it said many times and believed it to be true that he is all powerful. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan for my life. The bible SAYS that he will answer all our prayers that we bring to him through supplication. Yet here I am, waiting to die because the only future I hoped for was whisked away and God has nothing for me here.

I can logically conclude no other thing. Because if he is all powerful, he can do it. If he is loving he will take care of me. If he cares about my feelings he would lead me out of agony. No, all I hear is "accept that this is it and your life is over", Ok, Done. I'm ready to die. Haven't shopped for a coffin yet, because that would be morbid.

anyway I found this argument against his existance and though I believe he exists, the points are strong for my position.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? 
Then he is not omnipotent. 
Is he able, but not willing? 
Then he is malevolent. 
Is he both able and willing? 
Then whence cometh evil? 
Is he neither able nor willing? 
Then why call him God? 

Change these lives campaign.

I know I have never asked you for anything. So I'm going to be very careful about the way I approach this campaign here. I want you to, after you get done reading this, navigate over to the page I will share at the bottom of this post and check it out.

Now, first of all you don't owe me anything and I'm not asking you SPECIFICALLY for money. I've shared myself on this blog out of my own heart. I'm doing this because this is my personal set of issues I've been dealing with for a long time. It's time to try and solve it. I want you to check it out because my readers are like my family. I feel like you guys have a pretty good idea what is good and what isn't. I know that if it is something that puts pressure on your heart you will contribute.

If not financially you could always get the word out and pray about this. I'm taking a huge step out on faith here, your support is key to making this happen. I believe it will happen regardless of what some people say, but I know that the more support I get the better shot I have of reaching my goal. This is my first attempt at using crowd sourcing but it's much closer to what I feel is a correct approach to money. This issue is still in God's hands for me, I'm just making room for God to work through you.

More specifically this is about removing an obstacle that is clogging up my life and moving forward. That's the root of it, but as you'll read on the campaign page there is so much more.

The main display is now in the sidebar, but here is a direct link:

http://igg.me/at/changetheselives/x/5126735

also here is my campaign video:

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My feelings about the Titan Refuge new site launch

I know I was brief earlier, and that was because I wanted to give you time to check out the bare bones site over there. Now I want to talk about my personal feelings about the launch.

It's a very strange feeling, I will start by saying that. I have in the past talked about this project in passing on this blog, and maybe told three or four friends. This was before the days of this blog being as widely read as it is now. So there is a sort of coming out with a secret feeling. It's as if I had something that was mine and mine alone, and now it's available to the world. That is a very vulnerable feeling.

The faith aspect of the whole thing is the biggest feeling involved. What made today launch day? I finally found a potential way to fund the project. Discovering that I realize now that the only thing standing between the project and success is building a community around it.

I don't want to discuss the details of the project here, that's what the other page is for. However on a personal level it is a God thing to make me use a community approach to this. To be honest I've been kind of a loner, especially lately. The thing is that when I realized I was being pushed in the direction of needing help, needing more people to get things done I started to understand that I needed to share my vision. I've shared the tip of the iceburg. This project is the culmination of all my dreams, and I have been thinking about how this is going to happen for a long time.

I'm restraining myself right now. I want so badly to go tell all on the site. To restrain those urges I have to remember that the size of this vision is a bit much for people. I think this is something that community needs to be built around. This vision I have is going to effect so many people, both directly and indirectly. It follows that more people will have to be brought into the fold. I hope that my regulars over here will get as excited as I am about it. If you aren't and don't want me to talk much about it here, let me know.

This thing is happening though. I've already had an impressive first day response, and I look forward to seeing what the coming days bring. I think God has big things planned, and I'm excited to be a part of it. Change is hard, but when you get to see your dreams come together it's worth the growing pains.

here is the overall site link, I don't know what is going on with the links and whether they show up as clickable.

http://titanrefuge.blogspot.com/

Titan Refuge Launch

Today is kick off day for the Titan Refuge project. I just started the blog, and if you are either a regular reader or a first time reader I encourage you to head over there and check it out. Keep checking here for my personal updates. I will be the first to admit that I need help to get this project done. I'm not going to lone wolf this one and I need your help.

God said it was his will to give you a hope and a future, this is mine. This is my hope. This is my dream. I have been dreaming about this day for three years and I finally feel prepared to come out into the open. Together we are strong and we can succeed in anything. I believe the future starts now.

So now head on over there, the basic introduction is laid out, with more to come.

http://titanrefuge.blogspot.com/2013/10/introduction-to-titan-refuge-project.html

a very short bit of prose

I want to write more today, I have been deep in my philosophy search and didn't want to post until I reached the conclusion. Now I realize I may never and I need to keep writing to remember road signs. Fellow travelers understand. But here is some prose I created today:

Think, what did you just see
Analyze, what does it mean?
Reason, does it mean the same thing to everyone?
Try to join with philosophy, is this true?
Pray, God what is truth?
Realize that you may never know, that with time you may gain insight but if you feel you fully understand you are probably farther from understanding rather than closer.

death of a legend, where I hope to be when it happens and what it means

I was just thinking about the Jim Henson death. It was so untimely, he was very young and very successful and there was this huge tragedy around it. One thing I've noticed with celebrity deaths is that often people deal with it by saying that it was the result of a bad habit that person had. Smoking and drinking are often underfoot and people like to say "well if only he had quit smoking." I call these people "non smokers".

Look, when a rich and well off person chooses a lifestyle it's because they can. They often know the risks and they go on anyway. You have to see the ego in being successful. Some of these people are larger than life. Living a larger than life lifestyle kills people. It's what got Chris Farley. "Oh if only he had gotten help for his drug problem" I've heard so many times. Chris Farley didn't have a drug problem, he had a life problem. To live life on the scale that he did he had to deny certain things.

I guess what I'm coming around to talking about is that if I hit it big, it will be because I have a passion and a will power that are larger than life. If I die young (anywhere under 100) it will be because of living life to the fullest every day. It will be because I took big risks, enjoyed some big fun, and tried to milk the most out of every moment of the day. Put that as my cause of death, whether it be throat cancer from the cigars or flaming fireball from a car wreck. It's not the car that will kill me, and the cigars definitely won't kill me (do you know how often they have kept me alive?). It's life, life is a terminal case. That's how I want to go, by living so much that the world can't take it.

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Here's one idea.....

sooo...... how is this for a thought, since certain groups in this country are really hot for the idea of motivating people by threats. You know, like "defund healthcare or we shut down the government".... I have an idea for our lawmakers. I think you'll like this, if you like threats. We elected you to govern, how about you start governing or we.... I don't know, how about: Take all your money and drop you off in the third world in total poverty....... Oh, you don't like that? You have a right to take the country hostage and I'm totally crazy? Remind me how you recently decided poor people don't deserve to eat or have air conditioning. I mean let them eat cake indeed.

You chose to react to the weak and helpless with outrage that they dare not have as much money as you. You said that laziness and not working hard is what leads to poverty, so shouldn't you be in poverty? The current congress has passed no significant legislation in over two years. If I went to work and did no work except for trying to undo all the work that was done before I got there, I would get fired. I wouldn't even last a week.

Now I wouldn't make these sorts of statements if we were not who they report to. Do you know who form the majority of people in this country? The middle and lower class. Do you know who you are hurting most by shutting the government down? The middle and lower class. You pulled the economy into a standstill in the middle of the biggest economic rally in recent history. Good job, you managed to tick off your base: investors and rich people. Good luck getting your customary bribes from lobbyists next election run.

The only people I can see funding you are those people building bunkers for preppers and the manufacturers of adult diapers. Maybe Fox "News"........ you seem to be catering to THAT market.... but I've even seen some of their hosts pointing out that you aren't doing your jobs.. I mean that's bad when the people you have in your pocket see through your BS. Go ahead, keep pretending that you didn't start this.

Remind everyone that it's someone else's fault that they wouldn't give into your "Do what I say or I take down the country" strategy. Right, this country loves terrorists.... I mean I must have forgotten the major motivation of the war on terror: To find Bin Laden and take him out for a big american bar-b-q. That worked out SO well for him.

Or are you trying to show this country's enemies that they don't need to work so hard because you've got this making america scared thing covered. Does that mean we can defund the department of homeland security? Oh, and since you have now been identified as an organization with terrorist intentions can we now change the light of the IRS being extra hard on certain people? I mean the IRS has a duty to prevent the funding of terrorism, as I am told every time I talk to my credit card company.

what we learned today

What have I learned today? What have I accomplished?
How can I measure my progress?
I learned today that I am loved. I learned today how much I love someone else. I learned today that love is actions. Love is not limited by our weakness, sometimes when we are weakest we can minister better than when everything is going right. I learned that if someone loves you they show it. I learned that love can't HELP but show itself. If I buy into God's love (I do) I must accept that his love is real in my life. I must accept that he will deliver and answer prayers. He will care for me, he can't help it. I have been the lover and loved another, you cannot help but let your love go in front of you. You show your love. You love that person with all that you are. God is the original in the love department.

If we realize that love and truth start and end with God, then how can we not see that he will care for us? How can we trust him to be God, know him, and not know what we mean to him? If you are a truth seeker the truth will ring in your heart and hold you upright no matter the circumstances. Your brain will sing and your heart will become giddy. As the word says your rightiousness will go before you and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

We don't worship him just because he brings prosperity and abundance. We worship him through the trials that bring strength of faith. How do we know our love is real? When we know that if we didn't love we would walk away, but we stay. How do we know his love is real? Isn't he still there even after you treated him like shit? I mean that's no excuse to treat him that way, but his love and grace are enough that he will endure our acting out because of our pain.

For over a year I watched children in pain and learned to be a better man. I learned to love others. You have two choices when faced with tragedy like that, either you become a VERY strong helper and lover of people or you become withdrawn, depressed and purely lacking in empathy. It takes choosing to love, even though it rips your heart out. I learned something though, something that I'm going to share with you so you can know without the pain I spent getting this knowledge. When you are full of love, and the person you love is hurting and tries to hurt you, it takes a different meaning. You can see it if they are just so hurt and don't know what else to do. You open your arms, you accept them, you tell them nothing they can do can stop you loving them. You have to mean it. The thing is, no angry or upset child knows what to do with pure non judging love.

We're all like that. We are all children of God. Every single one of us hurts from hurts that we shouldn't have. In our heart we know this, or we wouldn't have so much pain. Pain is our body telling us that things are not as they should be. It alerts us to take care of things. Sometimes it has to alert others to take care of us. Let them take care of you. Give someone the chance to care for you. Chances are there are more people out there that care for you than you are willing to admit. It's so easy to play lone gunman and pretend that nobody cares. It makes for a good pity party, but it just isn't true. If no one else says it today I love you. I love how you are still holding on in spite of what you've been through. I love how deep in your heart you still have some desire that things be better. It's going to be okay. God is ready to not just tell you he loves you but show you. Let him. Just give him permission to work in one thing that you feel is too big for you today. Can you do that for me?

Thank you, goodnight

Why men are afraid of God, why they need him, and what can be done about that paradox

I'm in an interesting time in my faith. Of course I am reminded of an old curse "may you live in interesting times."

I am all in with God. I don't say this so that you would be impressed with me, because frankly I am so not involved in people pleasing right now. I say that so that when he delivers me and I share how he has overcome this situation you can see the steps that led to that point. Through many trials and tests he has brought me here.

But I want to talk about being a man and finding God. I have struggled with both my whole life. What being a man in America today means is never admitting you are not in control. True masculinity is supposed to be supported by an unbreakable confidence that you are going to succeed, that you can somehow do it yourself. This is how we are taught to win the girl, this is how we are taught to get rich, this is how we are told to gain power.

The problem is power itself. Even the richest man must come face to face with powers and authorities greater than him. The sad fact is that alone you probably won't always win. Eventually I think everyone comes to the point of realizing that in the scheme of trying to overcome huge obstacles we are still very small as humans. A man is after all at most only between one hundred and eight hundred pound of flesh in a world with thousand ton obstacles all around. Like ants we try to attack anything that opposes us. We win often enough that it is possible for us to feed our illusion of total power in our lives. But life has a way of reminding us from time to time how small and powerless we are.

Men hate things that remind them they don't have power. It's one of our big issues with mortality. Why do you think suicide is on the rise? People want power over at least one huge thing. We think if we can close up our account on our terms we can defeat death. This too is an illusion. We hold on so tight to our illusions that sometimes coming to terms with the truth can't happen. This is of course until outside forces intervene and internal forces converge on the problem and seek truth.

The very thing that is most often championed by followers of God is what scares men the most. God being bigger than us scares us deep down. Surely it can't be. Yes we must admit on some level that there are bigger things out there. But we think we can build something big enough to take on anything and anyone. We build governments, machines, and other organizations. If a prideful desire to prove ourselves is in this even that which we build must come up against the powerful forces of the world. The very thing that makes us strong is our passion and perseverance.

However that which makes us strong is something that our enemies have too. They too have humans. Humans are the most powerful machines on earth. A single human can destroy even the largest most well defended of our creations.

What is even more amazing is that there are spiritual forces at work designed by their nature to bring us to our knees. We can kick, scream and fight it with all our might. Then in one all encompassing enlightening moment we understand. We can see that yes, we are not masters of the universe.

If we can see in that moment the one truth that one being is greater and bigger than the universe there is a chance for salvation. We need saving. We need to be saved from ourselves. Our pain and our flaws would kill us if we didn't take him up on his comfort. If you can dream you can fall. In falling we can get back up and try again. In trying again we may come to understand that God loves us. God is rooting for us. I don't even know if I'm making sense.

Never give up. Never surrender.

Fight on against the odds. Anyone can fight when he's winning, but if you can fight when you take devastating losses you become something more. You become a champion by never giving up. If you don't fight you can't win. Anyone who gives up without fighting has already made a looter and given victory to his enemies. Take up the sword of truth and fight the lies the world throws at you. I know you are better than this. Go take the victory, it's already yours.

 Remember someone loves you, if you need my help so long as I breath I will give it to you. I draw a strength from one higher than me, and I will take up your side in the fight against the forces that try and rob you of your peace and your joy. Take comfort in the fact that those that speak fear are far more afraid than you are. They are the weak ones, not you. Courage is not about avoiding being afraid, it's about pushing on and winning regardless.

Some economic facts

I want to illustrate how the ideas that I profess are not just ones that I have an emotional affinity for. I understand there is plenty of skepticism for liberal thought, so let me explain two liberal ideas and how they could entirely change the economy.

This effects you no matter who you are, where you live, or what you do for a living.
The two policy decisions I want to talk about are increasing minimum wages and providing quality health care to everyone.

First I want to talk about wages. Wages and tips are how most people in my country measure success in their career. There is an illusion that education creates opportunity, but anyone with eyes knows that isn't true. Education helps form your mind into something that can grab opportunity, and I want to talk about that more at a later date. What I want to talk about now is what would happen if you raised minimum wages. The answer might surprise you.

Raising minimum wages is controversial because there is a pretty big economic myth out there that raising the wages of the working class will raise the cost of the product, and therefor cost of living will go up. There are those that will tell you raising minimum wage is a zero sum game. If we lived in a world that had fewer than ten thousand people in it that would be true. The economy is more sophisticated than that however. The fact is when you put faith and confidence in the producers the producers get more comfortable. When the producers get more comfortable they start going out and spending money. That money will be back in your pocket before you can say dividends. It requires a large enough view to see that the economy getting better helps every business.

Here is another uncomfortable fact you may not have thought about. There are many products that people want to buy right now but cannot afford. We have been trying drive down costs so that a larger percentage of the population can afford our products. What if we drove up the average budget of households? What sort of effect do you think that would have on sales? Do you think that people would be less afraid and more comfortable buying products? I'm sorry, that was a rhetorical question and I respect you enough to confess that. Happy people spend more money. End of story. This is why people who have had a few drinks generally buy more drinks. When the worry slips away so do the purse strings. If more people had less worry about whether they had enough to pay their house payment, or put gas in their car they would have less stress. Less stressed people spend money much better. This means better products, and this means surprise: higher profits.

Now about health care.
This gets a bit more complicated. Here is the short version of the story: healthier people are better able to pay bills. Medical debt is out of control, at least in america. Most people who face bankruptcy face it due to mounting medical costs. Which may not initially worry you. After all, you aren't eyeballs deep in medical debt. Wrong, debt doesn't disappear. The debts that don't get payed off get passed on to the paying customers. Which means that health care is more expensive than it should be simply because not everyone is paying for it. You are paying for universal healthcare, in fact you're paying way more than such a thing would cost. You're paying for it because poor people go to the emergency room uninsured and never pay. People run up huge lines of credit with hospitals and never pay. This costs YOU money. So why should you want universal healthcare as an investor? Read on and I'll tell you.

 If you didn't give away your service for free so much, what do you think that would do to the balance sheet? If you had millions of paying customers willing and able to pay whatever it took to get well, don't you think that would improve the status of medicine? Furthermore assuming you are in a developed nation this would mean you could offer even more expensive and profitable cutting edge techniques. You could offer them to more people and increase your profits. You could change the public opinion of you from penny pinching and uncaring to being the benign business leader you want to be seen as.

The choice is yours, you can make decisions based on short term greed and what you've done before, or you can make decisions based on what the next step for the market is. I shouldn't have to tell you which CEO has his face on the cover of Forbes, it's not the one who did what daddy and everyone else did. He did something new, something bold, something that changed how people thought about the world. This is why the richest man in the world brought us the PC, and the people sliding in after 5th place are the Walmart heirs. Microsoft has changed with the times and even when it has made mistakes like Windows Vista it bounced back. It tries new things and it's a winning company for that. Walmart only stays afloat because it's workers are all on food stamps. They only get new stores because they make sweetheart deals with city governments. If you took away public aid there would be no Walmart. But there would be a Microsoft. End of story.

a little bit of outrage

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2013/10/07/house-gop-plot-obamacare-shutdown/
well, at least we know that these people have some honesty.... in that the shutdown has been a plan from day one. This just smacks of terrorism, I have tried REALLY hard not to call it terrorism, but hey, if the shoe fits. When you THREATEN, and then DO take down the government, you are a successful terrorist organization. You have said that if the american government doesn't do EXACTLY what you want you will destroy the country. You will crash the economy. You will put people out of work.

I actually find GREAT irony in the fact that for the last 18 months every republican I talk to says "if they implement Obamacare jobs will be lost" and I kept saying "wait and see". I thought they meant the law would lead to employers slashing salaries or number of employees. I didn't know they meant "look if you liberals give people healthcare I'll shoot the government down". I would have been more active in politics. I would have told them that our country has never negotiated with terrorists.

The only silver lining is that who they are is coming forward. We now know they aren't lawmakers, they are lawbreakers. Honestly it should be criminal to purposefully sabotage the economy. It should be, but, well you know all about white collar crime.

----------------

so look, let's pretend, for a moment, that reducing spending is what this whole shutdown is about. I saw a clip with Rand Paul and he said essentially that. If that was the case wouldn't there be a potential for compromise if we just trimmed the budget even more? If we placed cuts on already existing programs that aren't adding value to our economy, would that not be a reasonable compromise?

Look the debt is a problem that should have everyone worried, because if we keep going farther into debt there may be some consequences. I've had to balance a budget before and I know what the first thing that gets cut is:expenses that do not improve my income picture. I'm just grasping randomly here but a great example is the military industrial complex. We are producing billions of dollars of weapons we don't want to use. I'm not saying stop the research, or keeping a good base of troops trained, I'm saying cut this thing, it's not making you any money.

The ONLY way that the military makes sense from an investment standpoint is if you can somehow use them to create revenue. Since looting is pretty well hated I don't think that works.


I'm not saying that's the only solution, I'm saying that you need to start looking at cutting other areas. Getting people healthy is a GROWTH market, it's reinvestment that will pay huge dividends. I think that if we cut spending and the republicans said that was what they wanted all along then this whole thing could be over by the end of the day tomorrow.

the mundane

I relit my pilot light this morning, it's the most proud of myself I've been when the heater came on and that wonderful warm air came up out of my vents. We have to take joy in the little things. I'd say take joy in the big things but I don't have big things in my life to take joy in, save from faith that a better day is coming. We are flesh creatures, and we need real world good things. Sometimes the only good thing I can find is washing a dish, or getting my furnace running, or fixing my phone myself, or getting my printer working. Yes all of these have been things I have done on a budget of zero in the last few days.

I don't know how I feel right now. I have prayed, had faith, and here I sit waiting on him. Every night when I'm trying to go to sleep I feel like shooting myself. Every morning I feel like maybe today is the day things will change. Like cresting waves my hope rises and falls. Right now I don't know what to think. The problem is his timing means it could be any time now, or it could be years from now. I have to trust him that his timing is good enough. I have to keep searching for him and seeking him even though my life seems so worthless and hopeless right now.

I know these are just attacks from the enemy. I know this is just another field of testing. He knows I can be strong for him while fighting, but can I be strong for him while standing my ground and waiting. I can do this. All I have to do is be still and hold my faith, even when the winds and storms try to remove it.

A daily affirmation

I was well inspired tonight to write a daily affirmation to repeat as often as needed to remind me of who I am, and who God is. Essentially as I understand it I am falling back on the tradition that has been passed down through the centuries of repeated creeds or prayers. I think that it is actually an advanced stage when you can say you know certain things to be true and repeat them. Let us test these truths, because a truth that doesn't stand the light of day is not the full truth. I have read the available creeds Christianity has come up with, and the repeated prayers. They are good, but they don't dig deep and inspire you. I need inspiration, I need something I can say and feel bold and strong. I need something that wells up faith in me.


Maybe you need such a thing. Here is mine if you need it.

Daily Affirmation
By Max Malcolm, with the grace of God as primary source
Today I am blessed; All good things come from God
He has guided my steps; He has listened to my prayers
He has honored my service, He is my assurance, my source, my father and best friend
He loves me more than I can ever understand
He established me in strength and wisdom
He desires to liberate the oppressed, He desires to comfort the broken, He desires to take care of the poor
I am blessed to be his servant and tool, He blesses me so that I might bless others
He takes what seed I plant and returns an abundant harvest
He is my rock, my foundation, Without him I am nothing
Through him I am strong, Through him I have victory
He will always remember me
He will guide me and take care of me so long as I trust him
He is bigger than any other thing in this universe
He is the source of every good thing, through him all things were made
He has a plan, there are no useless people. Everything and everyone has their purpose.
He created the seasons, some for each purpose
He will give us our needs and desires if we first seek him, In all things he comes first
So long as he guides me I can never be lost. You aren't lost so long as you know where you are going
Today I lift my head to him, thank him for the wonderful things he has provided to me, to the wonderful opportunities he has given me, and those he will still give me yet. I take every breath into my mouth as a blessing, all nourishment, comfort and peace come from him. I will praise him in seasons of testing because by testing and trials he has made me strong. He wastes nothing! Indeed he makes good out of bad. What the dark forces try to spin for destruction he uses for creation. The greatest gift he gave us, his son, died on a cross for my sins, while I was still a sinner. Even though I am just a person, God loved me enough to make this sacrifice.  The Lord will provide. In the name of our lord Jesus, who is established in power and authority, Amen.

I humbly recommend printing it out and placing it in places your eye will catch it while you are in pain. Also in a place you can look at it when you wake up and when you lay down to sleep.

Words have power, because words are how we walk. We walk in faith by words, we can use words to build up or tear down. We must use this power wisely, and remember that the power of our faith is rooted in the one who grants favor and blessing. Faith and hope are useless unless you have something (someONE) to believe in. As for me and my household we will wait upon the Lord.

Rain is finally coming here (because he DOES make rain), so I too must sleep. God bless you readers, may he make his light to shine on you and lift you up on wings like eagles.

A hero worth learning from

Now a break from your regular programming. I want to talk about heroes, in particular how hard they are to find. Being an idealist by nature I believe strongly in the use of heroes to lift people up and make them act like better people. So why is it so hard for me to find heroes? First of all in the land of the living I have found few men to look up to, and almost all of them have been people I have met. Looking to history and literature I find many more heroes available. This leads me to believe that heroism is a value that was hold higher in earlier years.

Anyway, enough of me talking about how few heroes I have found. I hold a deep affection for the humans I have found to inspire me. We are told to love our neighbors, and I try to do that. Some people make it easier by inspiring us to be better. My primary heroes in the past few years have been biblical men of God and writers of great literature. A few other historical figures join the list. I look up to:

Kurt Vonnegut (author of Cat's Cradle)

J.R.R. Tolkien (author of the Hobbit)

Dr. Suess (Green Eggs and Ham)

FDR and "Teddy" Roosevelt

David of biblical fame

Joseph of biblical fame

Abraham, father of two nations, also great biblical fame

Jesus, obviously

But finding real men of God in the world outside of the bible has been hard, especially men who had success. But today I was meditating on the amazing things God has done in my life, and who he has made me become. In a moment after that I remembered a quote from one of the hardest books I have read so far in my life. "If you keep going like you just started, you will be the greatest man of all time." I have had an older man pay a compliment on me that reminded me of this. Of course my ego is pretty strong so it remembers these things.

The man who wrote those words is Charles Dickens. He wrote A Christmas Carol and Oliver Twist. I wish I had read more of his books, because when you look at his life he was a pretty amazing guy. He had it pretty rough as a kid, his family was poor and they suffered for it. It was a different time, and his father actually went to prison for unpaid debt. I love how this changed how Dickens viewed money and social systems. It made him one of the strongest voices for social change. He had a HUGE impact. He is viewed by many as one of the greatest authors of all time. His themes are immortal themes, of love and justice triumphing over those that conspire to do evil.

So there are many reasons to admire him. He did something no one else was doing, called society out on it's injustice, and society changed! So, I looked into who he was, and found faith at it's root. He was a man of God, though not a religious man. What a distinction. At the time the church had backed social injustice. It was part of what was wrong with the world. Yet he held on to faith. I can't emphasize how amazing it is to discover someone I really want to meet in heaven. It is unsure whether many noteworthy men will be there, but I feel there is a really good chance that I can meet Charles Dickens on the other side. This gives me hope that at least there will be one other human soul I will want to hang out with after I die.

 This is so great, for years I've followed the path that God has put under my feet, he has ordered my steps and granted me favor and wisdom. Many times I have had issues coming to terms with death because so many "Christians" are the last sort of people you'd want to spend eternity with. Yet I know God is good, and that he stands in judgement over all, and I have had to hope without any evidence other than God being good to me in this life to guide me. Now I have some hope for good company in heaven.  I hope this gives you some hope, knowing God is good to answer even the prayers we don't say.

Every good tree gives good fruit, if you make good decisions, speak good things, will God not honor it and take care of you? In my life I know I have helped people, and I have sown good seed. There is a law of the universe that says that from good seed (my hard work), planted in good soil (in faith and hope in God) will bring forth it's fruit (life getting better). I know that God has invested in me as well, sown seeds of knowledge and strength. That investment will pay dividends, just watch. Today he has shown me what is true.

small update

oh, small update, I have talked with the office of my congressman and alerted them to my concerns. I do not know whether they were being sincere or not (and at the moment it's hard to measure responses given the amount of not informing us the government is doing), but my needs were heard. I was informed, politely, that the congressman had the duty to protect the interests of all of his constituents. I issued a challenge, which is what I will say to the whole debate:
If Obamacare is crazy socialism that is going to shut down the country, let it run for a few months. Let people see your predictions come true. If you accurately predicted that the end of work for the lower and middle classes is the results then I guess the public support for you will raise and you can win control of both houses and the presidency. That would give you free reign to continue to deregulate business and cut taxes for the rich, while cutting aid to the poor. This strategy has worked SO well for you, shouldn't you ride it to it's assured success?
I mean surely you are smart enough to realize that if you keep the government shut down you will see the result of it in midterm elections and lose what influence you have. If our credit rating drops because you couldn't handle a simple political matter, the public will turn on you like a pack of blind dogs. I want a strong opposition party, I believe that two opposing parties is the best way to keep the other party in check. I don't want your party to lose all influence in the government, so please don't act like such idiots that we can't keep you in office.

a few of my political snippets.

I've been writing quite a bit on politics, and I just want it here as well as there. I hope that makes sense.

So first they said: get an education and experience and you'll make enough. Then I met hundreds of workers with bachelor's degrees, masters degrees and PhDs living under the poverty line. I've seen people who have given 20+ years to a company put out on the street because keeping them on was too expensive.

Then they said that there was assistance for when people are going through hard times. They vote more of that away every day. I was on assistance for a little over a year, just food, but it made all the difference when I had it. I actually took a cut in the money I made to go back to work. For over 2 years I have worked my butt off trying to make it. At the moment all I have to show for it is experience, wisdom and a stronger faith. I will overcome, because I am strong.

When I do climb out of this situation I'm going to remember this. I'm not going to let you do to the next generation what you've done to mine.

Anyone in America who thinks the poor are poor because they aren't working hard enough has never worked fast food. They have never met someone working two jobs and still not making ends meet. They have never had to choose between a roof over their head or food. They have never had to wonder how much longer they could eat in a given situation. They either haven't been there or they have forgotten.

This is one person reminding you, being poor is not a punishment. The poor did nothing wrong. Not being born to the right family, or knowing the right people, or having a talent that happens to be exploitable for large chunks of cash isn't criminal. We should stop treating people who struggle as if there was something they did wrong.
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Oh, incidentally, my congressman is Congressman Jim Bridenstine. I will be campaigning against him in the next election I have that option. I don't care WHO it is. You could run a rabid slobbering dog, the worst a dog can do is bite you, not take down your economy. I have contacted Mr Bridenson and in so doing discovered he is an Eagle Scout. This is the first time in my life someone has made me truly ashamed to wear that title.
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So, I'm seeing a trend here, Democrats are doing what people think should happen (2 have donated their salaries during the shutdown), Republicans claim they've done nothing wrong (yeah... insert snarky remark about terrorism), and the American people are pissed. This is taking it beyond what we have been seeing for the last year, which was manufactured crisis following manufactured crisis. I swear the strategy is to keep us in fear and that will keep us supporting them. It's also clear ONE party completely sucks at public relations (you know who you are). The same party also has a remarkable amount of them who seem unconcerned with their election results next year. Fact is that I plan to run a campaign to get my idiot congressman out of office. Normally I would be busy working, but since mine is among those holding the country hostage I guess he wants the people in his district to know that we can't keep having this man represent our state.Good job! You have successfully convinced me that I need to play a more active role in government.
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had to reboot my browser while researching government shutdown, it froze up.
"Your government did not shut down properly, would you like to restore your previous government?" Yes, chrome, yes I would.
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I happen to agree with this. Being poor shouldn't be a crime, though it's certainly treated like one in this country. Just going to the grocery store it's obvious that prices are going up, and wages aren't. In just 7 years I've seen my wages go from being more than enough to not nearly. I'm spending all my time in an education which I'm praying will somehow land me a higher earning job, not everyone can do that.

(M) When it comes to making sure people in need are fed and can provide for themselves, we have only three options;

1. We can Raise The Minimum Wage, and force corporations to pay a living wage, so that a full time minimum wage job will provide the lowest standard of living but will still be financially viable without Government assistance.

2. We can subsidize the corporations by providing government assistance, essentially paying for the corporations to rob their employees. We're already doing this instead of forcing corporations to pay a living wage, and because of it the corporations are raking in record profits while the poverty rate is rapidly rising, and the middle class has almost disappeared.

3. We can do nothing, and let the poor and starving turn to crime to support themselves, if they're not already dying on the streets from lack of food and water. If you're not a fan of either of the first two options, and most conservatives aren't, this is the option you're choosing. Whether it's your stated position or not, if you don't agree with the first two options this is what you're suggesting.

Conservatives are constantly claiming that charities would step in to fill the void if Government assistance was no longer available, but anyone familiar with how underfunded most charities already are knows that's a delusional fantasy.

I find it appalling that the party which opposes raising the minimum wage is the same party which wants to eliminate government assistance. The GOP's message to the poor is clear; your survival doesn't matter. It's time we showed the GOP the same consideration.

What is spirituality to me?

I have been reading a number of articles and having some highly stimulating conversations on this lately. I realize first of all that my motivations for spirituality are much different than anyone else I know. Let me start off with the reasons that don't work to make me go to church. We'll play a game of complete the sentence.

Church is NOT...

a political rally

a social event

a pick-me up

a chance for me to get what I want

a vending machine

a chance to convince others of my point of view

or anything resembling the above.

I'm not in it for the money, the friends, the fame or personal ego stroking. I have had ALL of those things exclusive of church. Note I won't say exclusive of God because all good things come from him. Furthermore I'm not in it to find a nice girl. As I said church isn't a social event.

So what is it? On the large perspective I'm unsure. I understand it's where God has currently led my spiritual life. I don't know why. Isn't that glorious? God does shit and I don't have a clue where he gets these ideas. I do know that me being able to stand church is a sign of his work in my life. I do NEED to draw close to him. The book does emphasize the importance of group worship and prayer, and sometimes I'm enabled that way at church. My personal spiritual walk hasn't really built much strength in group finding of God. Perhaps it's just me. I haven't been able to rely on a christian body of believers.... ever!

The problem, to put it politically, is the difference between liberal and conservative Christian groups. Now in my city the liberal groups fall into the tolerance crowd. This is so watered down and not challenging I can't accept it. I firmly believe that we need the person of Jesus to get to God. Some of the liberal congregations (universalists especially) want to say that all ways lead to God. I'm willing to listen to it philosophically, but it's destructive to my soul to say that how I find God is just one "choice". First of all Christ chose us. Second he said he was the only way to God, and if you didn't accept that as true you cast him as insane. So don't come with your new age philosophy trying to undermine the core teachings of the religion. It doesn't work that way.

Now, for what is wrong with conservative Christians. It can all be summed up in one word: Judgement. Conservative Christians are judgmental, exclusionary and sometimes downright hateful, especially to people who are liberal. I have never understood this. Because holding to the teachings of Christ means to take care of the poor, yet that is EXACTLY what conservative philosophy says is wrong with liberals. I know what they say about us. I'm not going into my rant on that. The point is they don't accept liberals. So the choice is to be a very quiet liberal in a conservative church or not have a church. I've lived both lifestyles. The reason I continue to follow God is because even though others do it poorly that is no reason I shouldn't chase God with all my effort I can give it.

When it really comes down to it spirituality to me is freedom. Freedom to love someone who loves me back. Freedom and blessings that go beyond this world are to be achieved and received as often as I can find them. I find the truth and the glory of a spiritual walk with God to be the most important thing in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

http://www.homospirituality.com/2013/09/30/the-de-churched-how-to-talk-to-us/

Full circle

Everything comes full circle. No matter how much I want it not to, here I am again. Puking my guts out because I can't cry...

It's for such a stupid reason. My best friend didn't want to talk to me all weekend. For personal reasons I haven't opened up to my girlfriend about this stuff. The worst part is just now, when I was ready, she went to sleep. I don't know if this moment, or realization will come again or if it will fall away. So I'm here again, putting it all out there for random strangers to read.

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother for five years now. I came in sometime in season 4, and it's been a very personal part of my story. I know it's just a show, but stick with me. When I started watching it I was watching it with my soon to be wife. I wanted her so much to be Lily, and I identified with Marshall. However most of this ride, I've realized Ted's story is my story. I'm a crippling romantic, I keep thinking girls are the one only to find out after a long ride that they aren't. My story isn't finished. But the story on the show, it's winding to a close. He's about to meet the mother. Fact is she seems amazing.

Here is the thing, he meets her at his female best friend's wedding. His female best friend that he's loved all this time, since the start. The greatest love story I've ever heard and the female protagonist is going for another guy. It's Harry Potter all over again. My female best friend doesn't have time for me, I'm losing her. Ted is losing Robin. This is close to home. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that not only will I not get the female protagonist in my story, but I don't even get to keep her in my story. That's hard for me to deal with.

It's hard for me to deal with that everyone that matters to me seems to leave. It's tough to cope with this dry arid place my life has become just goes on and on. What's worse is that the things in my life that made the arid nature easier to cope with are going too. I'm losing my ability to find comfort in porn. Meaningless sex stopped working a year ago. Honestly it never worked for me. Deep down I'm still the man that feels too much. I'm too kind to be careless with hearts like that. That's probably why I haven't opened up to this girl I'm dating who is in love with me. Slowly she's getting to my heart, and there's a chance she'll manage to crack that sucker. Maybe I want her to. I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, and I'm pragmatic enough and traveled enough down this road to know there is a pretty good chance I will. Love is a fickle thing. It takes work. I never thought I'd be the one who needed saving, or the one that doesn't know how to put in the work anymore.

Everyone keeps saying that God is going to show up. I know he is. No matter how angry I am I can't ever forget how much he loves me, or how little I deserve the love I've received so far. Which makes it even harder to accept that he's going to do this thing. I mean how can I come to terms with it? I want it to just happen so I'll have no choice but to accept that his love is way more than I can ever deserve, and to know that I can spend the rest of my life loving him and others trying to be like him. I just want to start the rest of my life with someone, why not with him? Why is it so selfish for me to want security somewhere somehow? Isn't that the idea?