I have been stuck for some time in my faith life, and recently I believe God has been revealing that where I am stuck is that I need a mentor. This is, of course, a very challenging and angering thing for him to reveal to me. I didn't want to trust someone, I didn't want to get hurt again, and most of all I didn't want to put someone in a position to work on poisoning christianity for me even more.
Then I had a thought, a little one I'll grant you but with greater meaning. "What if this is the last step?"
What if I am quite literally THIS step away from a breakthrough? What if this is really all that is missing? So then I started passionately studying and trying to find knowledge, some way to connect with a potential mentor. Let me tell you something, there is a huge vacuum out there for anyone searching for a mentor.
I finally caught the ear of my elusive pastor Paul. Honestly it's almost a quest like story how that ended up happening. Anyway, when I finally tracked him down and told him of my faith challenges the greatest analysis he had was this:
"Maybe the things you are asking for are wants not needs."
Did this hit close to the mark?
Read on.
Did this make me angry?
Oh yes.
So this is of course set me into some deep brooding, which I am not out of yet, just processing. This is without a doubt the most common reaction to me having this vision for my life. There are a number of people who delicately imply that I am being greedy by seeking this.
What is greed?
Greed is an excessive and selfish desire for more (particularly money, food or power). Which begs the question, what is excessive. (using a dictionary here, so don't jump on me about these definitions.)
Direct quote:
"more than is necessary, normal, or desirable; immoderate."
Now, to begin with I'd like to point out that these words are entirely subjective. What is excessive to one may be modest to another. I could continue defining these terms all day, and I would if it would truly convince you that what these people are saying doesn't have enough ground to stand on.
The point I am trying to make is that you have to ask who sets the standard. Well, to a greater extent God sets the standard. More on that later. However to a more practical purpose, I do. I'm the one that has to at some point decide what is necessary and what is not.
Thinking about my general life plan, or what I really consider ideal, I have to say a bit more than what I need is what I'm going for. So if I eat 2000 calories a day, lets say I can subsist rather well on a budget of $40 a day. This seems like quite a bit, but let me throw some numbers your way:
Food costs per day $5-40
Gas costs per day $4
meds/herbal junk $3-5
roof over my head: $15-29
phone: $1.25
This is DAILY, and these numbers are the same now (when I haven't gone shopping for anything but food and essentials in three months) as they were when I had a full time job and two roommates. If anything they've gone up. So, $40 a day, what does that work out to yearly?
$14,600 a year to subsist at my current rate.
I am currently awarded about $400 less than that, minus of course the costs of going to school, which is another three to five thousand a year currently.
Now it's great I am blessed enough to be able to chase an education, I don't want to glaze over that.
The thing is that I'm not getting enough to make it, not without doing SOMETHING more. Which I'll probably end up doing, I'm tough and I know how to dance for the system.
Is it greedy to be tired of that?
Is it selfish to want out?
I found out today that I could move to a decent acreage for 250k, and live in colorado. My inheritance is fricken more than that. Now is this to say I want to receive an inheritance today? Not the one that I'm talking about. Even though it means the lifestyle I hope and dream of, it's still not right in my heart to wish for that to happen. My point is how achievable this goal is of getting out of Oklahoma, living the good life on a good acreage (though there are challenges to that), and not having to work that hard to get there. That's achievable just for me. Then we bring God in.
This is the point I have heard more in the last year than ever: God honors the faith to ask and seek the greatest he can give.
He wants us to dream big, or so I've been told. Big for me is... well we've discussed that.
The other thing is selfishness. I will admit I have some selfish desires here. It's very selfish to want to have enough power so that you can't be made homeless. That's crazy selfish. So is desiring the means so that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you and your family will never suffer hunger or cold or sicknesses caused by lack of medical care. That's selfish, because it makes life for me substantially easier. It's also rather unfortunate that speaking from a place of these desires, I don't mind saying that I would sacrifice some generosity to achieve those ends. Which may be why I'm getting this education in humility.
Poverty changes you, it makes you understand how unprepared you were, and what you should do next time. Hindsight is 20/20. Finally after being through enough storms, I know a few ways that make it easier to weather them. So here are some basic tips for preparing for an attack on your life:
1. Have very little that is easy to take, and make EVERYTHING that is replaceable.
When I was a young man I was involved with Boy Scouts, and we had a saying about packing for a camping trip: Never take something with you that you would be devastated if it was stolen or ruined. This was a valuable lesson, because things got lost SO many times on these trips.
So it created a sort of frugality and preparedness of thought. You still needed things for survival, but you had to learn not to be heartbroken when the wilderness took them away.
Becoming an adult I realized that it wasn't just that way when you are out in the wilds of the world, it's everywhere. Once you get enough stolen you learn that you valued things too much, or didn't preserve the things you valued. So back up your files and keep your valuables and collectibles inconspicuous. They're for your joy, not others, don't show off.
2. Value what you have.
Do you have socks? That's awesome. How about clean and weather appropriate clothes? That's even better. The ability to cook (including a stove)? That's amazing. Also any cleaning appliances are a HUGE deal.
I have been blessed to have a car and a house in my name. So we treasure what we have. It could be less, and it could be worse.
My friends and I were talking about how we are now the new upper middle class. Having stuff like what we have make us rich, in comparison to the average person our age.
So, what can I say?
The answer might well be no. But let God decide that. The inner check of reason says that maybe I should trust God more for the answer to be yes as well. That's probably true.
I'm pushed into an interesting position, because I am working on a project out of reach (and out of interest) for most of the population. Many people are content to work for a large organization and depend their survival on the survival of their employer. I wish I could throw in with that.
My dad has gotten laid off at least four times in his career. At this point there is no retirement option (not that he wants it), and the plan is currently to get out of debt at age 70. Excuse me if that does not look like a hopeful outlook.
I have been through over 8 jobs in 8 years, add in 3-4 years not employed (either in recovery and/or college).
amusing side story:
The gist? If you leave Oklahoma and visit a state where certain things ARE legal, Oklahoma doesn't want you back. You can be arrested crossing the state line even if you are not intoxicated. You also are subject to lose your job, and other consequences. So please bring this up when you go begging to the feds about how you want the economy to expand how the demographic that would vacation in colorado and enjoy what is legal there are no longer welcome in your state. Also that might be worth mentioning when you go asking for prison funding. Ha, oklahoma, logic has no function here!
http://www.tulsaduidefense.com/legal-weed-colorado-can-lead-oklahoma-dui-tulsa-dui-attorney/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=legal-weed-colorado-can-lead-oklahoma-dui-tulsa-dui-attorney
There are many, so many words to describe where I am. To a point I'm at the end of one road. To another, I'm at the beginning of the next. I wanted to title this many things.
"Empty Optimist"
"Faith in the Hopeless"
"Being full up dead and empty alive."
But this word "endure" kept coming up. I don't know!
I don't know! My mind screams it to the sky like a man who has lost all reason.
I don't know! I will never know! I don't even have the certitude of facts to be sure I won't know! Hahahaha! I am so empty, lost and gone. I don't see nirvana, I can't even see tomorrow. Blind without even eyes to see what I want to see the most I grope and gasp for air in an airless prison.
Here I stand. I stand at the bottom because it is that. I stand on my faith when all hope is gone. Imagine if everything you ever hoped for was gone. Imagine if the one who loved you most told you that your dreams may never happen. Now be okay with that. Oh yes, now it becomes so much harder. We feel torn apart and empty, when our hopes turn up empty. Our trust in an expectation for better turns up completely worse. Our taboos, our morals, and our character just taunt us.
Now I will say what I want to say, because there is no magic way of talking which will make his blessing rain down. He will bless when he wills to bless, and he will test and lead us through trial when he wants as well. Do you understand? He LEADS us through fucking trials. I try not to cuss but I'm pissed off.
That means that the shitstorm you and I are in, he brought us here. Is it of his making? I doubt it, because it is in God's nature to love and do good for us. But make it or not could not matter less for those of us in the midst of trials and storms beyond our control. We know (if we have any kind of faith) he has the ability to calm the storm, to end the trial. He doesn't do that. Why?
This is not a poor me statement. Fuck that. I don't care what you think of me. It's actually laughable the kind of stupid sermon's I've heard and thought "what a rich kid mentality". I've heard people agonize over such stupid pointless shit. I mean who the fuck cares if your sports team wins, or for that matter who is president? Who cares if your kid makes the sports team? Who cares? Yes, I suppose God cares. God doesn't care about the stupid stuff, he cares about you. It bothers him when we hurt because he loves us.
I stopped talking to real people awhile ago about what really bothers me. Because you know what? No one cares why you are hurting. They'd like you to stop. Sometimes Christians and others will be used by God and will try to help you. Sometimes. Most of the time you're on your own.
God led you in, and God can lead you out. He can. I don't have a fucking clue about if he will. I'll tell you something, eventually you will get hurt. If you love people those people are probably going to die. Or you'll die and you'll HATE hurting them that way. If you don't have a big investment in people, you'll probably grow old, and likely you'll die. Sad, horrible things will likely still happen. But there are two likely ways it will work out. You can give up, and God will still love you. Because even if you give up, God doesn't. He's a persistent fucker, and I mean that with all the genuine love I have in my heart for him.
The other option? Endure. It's the one most powerful word in human history. Through all your suffering, you can endure it. I know this. My trial has lasted much longer than I thought it would. I can't even see the end, and you know I don't know how to picture it anymore. Good thing it's not my job to end it. God led me in to test something. Maybe it's character, or faith, or just to see how long I'd hold on. Well, whatever it is, I found the strength to endure. I found out that I can find peace in where I am today. Am I happy? For sure not.
I guess the point I'm at is that there is only one reason left. I love God. Note that I didn't say I liked him. Some days he pisses me off. He frustrates and confuses me, but that doesn't make me stop loving him. Honestly if him not stopping my pain was enough to disturb my love for him I wouldn't call that love. I'd call that like, or strategic partnership. I know many people in strategic partnership with God. They want something, and they believe God will help them get it. Maybe he will. I also won't say he isn't going to fulfill the desires I have. I'm going to say that isn't a requirement.
This is the definition of love. If my girl doesn't cook a nice dinner for me I don't hold it against her. I love her the same. If she breaks something precious to me, I still love her. I may get angry, I may get hurt, but my love can endure that. Love is a choice partly, but it's almost a reflex. If we find love we fall back into it. We trust it, even when we don't know why. Which brings us into love song territory. And there's nothing rational here, but to be honest here at the bottom there isn't an abundance of rationality. There's nothing rational about poverty, or being lost.
No more answers today than yesterday. I'm going to start work on a research project soon. Peace and Goodnight.
Finally we have come to the end of the first week of classes. *sigh* I thought I wanted to write this yet now I'm writing it...... It's not what I hoped it would be.
Should I talk about my frustration with my faith? On one hand we've had some breakthrough, this week we restored light and the fan in the bedroom. We fixed up the air filtration, hopefully that gets better. We moved the last of Sam's stuff into the house, and had a fight over there being too much stuff.
I mean I just went through this huge speech about enduring, which is of course the theme of the current epic section of my life. I mean by epic that it is large in scope and extraordinarily difficult for me. I don't want to imply it is important to anyone else.
I went through this long speech explaining that enduring is ALL we can do at this point. The point is not how we would like it, that is as far from the point as there is. The point is to do what we can. What can we do? Organize, use what we have, and enjoy it. At this point..... I just don't have any other answers. There's this whole thing about trial bringing out your character. This is how I feel mine is manifesting. I am going to endure this, because it won't last forever. Yes it might be months or years. That happens. We are waiting on a God that does not work on our timetable. When you are in the desert waiting on God, the last thing that makes him move is saying that he should. That's counter intuitive, because we think that he will work like a person. He doesn't though.
His ways are higher than our ways, and his timing is his own. Someone much older and wiser reminded me this week: Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but hope fulfilled makes the heart overflow. So right now, I can't invest anymore in hoping for better. It makes me sick, it's killing me. I'm not saying that God won't do it. As far as possible from that. God will move, and in his timing and in his way. When that happens, I think I'll probably be able to tell you more about his love.
For now, what is in front of me? I have some good things to be a good steward of. I enjoy a nice house, nice car, and some good food. I am able to sometimes smoke. I have good drugs, and hopefully I can stay on them.
Right now school is a challenge, but one that can be successfully completed. More than that? Wait for later. I know my updates have been more sparse. This will be alternating based on how well I'm eating, how much coffee, and how much time I have. Today, I need to go to the gym. Perhaps I'll find some answers there. Perhaps. As always, my feet stand firmly on God's promise for my life. He'll provide what is needed to make what he wants to happen. If I don't have enough for something, then at least on this DAY, that means that isn't God's will for me. Today I had enough for the projects I did. I'm thankful for that.
my pastor challenged me to write a letter saying all I am grateful for that comes from God, so I will be attempting to compose it here. Why? because here is where I can write to my hearts content. You guys just get to enjoy the finished product because I trust this browser more than my word processor.
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Dear God
There is so much I am thankful for which I credit you for having given me. I credit you for giving me two loving parents, for a start. A clean bill of health from birth is also a notable praiseworthy thing. I thank you for all the times I could have died, been disfigured or stuck with illness for life, yet as of now I am reasonably healthy. I thank you for removing a woman who did not love me from my life. I thank you for teaching me nothing apart from your love for me lasts. I thank you for the times of abundant finances in the past.
I thank you for my home and the fine things within it. I thank you for the intelligence and natural talents you gave me. I thank you for the opportunities you have given me to use these talents. I thank you for my vehicle. I thank you for giving me a gym to go to for relaxation and fitness. I thank you for a bicycle. I thank you for clean water, modern appliances and clothes that fit. I thank you for the shortness of life and that the things that bother me about it will eventually end because everyone must die. I thank you for sending your son to the cross for my sins. I thank you for healing me when I was sick and broken. I thank you for forgiveness.
I thank you for the people you have sent me to love. I thank you for good memories of the past. I thank you for daydreams. I thank you for not allowing me to know how much more pain is yet to come. I thank you for allowing me an illusion that happiness can last. I thank you for the moments of happiness and peace as I find them. I thank you for the pain because it makes those moments of happiness or peace more meaningful and special. I thank you for hunger because it makes food taste good. I thank you for poverty because it makes me glad when I'm not in it. I thank you for sickness because it makes me treasure health. I thank you for good food. I thank you for books. I thank you for the food and medicine that helps me bolster myself. I thank you for people who love me. I thank you for people who frustrate me and teach me compassion. I thank you for people who challenge me to make me grow.
I thank you for a climate where food is easy to grow. I thank you for sunny days when it is good to be outside. I thank you for days that make it nicer to be inside. I thank you for restful sleep. I thank you for games to blot out reality.I thank you for everything else that lets me disconnect from my frustration and confusion.
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So ended draft 1. Went unsent due to general grumpiness about the approach.
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Actual sent message:
In the end there are four things I am grateful for God. That I am alive and able to enjoy what is around me. That I have enough chemical distractions from my pain. The people that care about me, and that one day this futile life will end.
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Followed by this message to my Pastor: Paul, I'm really just not having a time period where gratitude is high in my heart. The testing and the trials I am walking in are really putting me to the point all I want is out. I'm frustrated with the promises unfulfilled, which isn't to say they won't be. Every time someone says "it's going to get better" or that God is going to somehow make it better it just feels like a knife twisting in my heart. It's a reminder of how I hurt, and it's a reminder that today at least, we're still waiting for God to be God in this situation. I don't know how to seek him at this point, particularly due to the lack of answers to the questions I have been asking. So here I am, willing and waiting for God to move, but also tired and hurting, and really not wanting to hear another empty statement. Love is a verb, it's action. When God's love is action in my life I'll be better able to express my appreciation for him. And I know what he has done, I know the great cost I was bought at. I also know that sometimes despite our desires or hopes, God's will is God's will. We have to live with that, and it's not always as easy as putting on a happy face.
So I finally heard from my pastor, Paul, and I told him my tale of woe and disappointment, and he said he would pray for me which is of course neato torpedo because maybe if one more person brings this stuff to God's attention it will cross a magic line and we all yell jackpot when God reaches his magic amount of attention he needs from me and my cohort before he answers my prayer.
I know that's sarcastic, shut up inner voice which is full of questioning. It's SUPPOSED TO BE!
I'm ticked off and since I don't desire to cuss or yell my not so clever satire of the happy your way to the happy field mentality will have to suffice.
Seriously, I try to be happy, my entire life focus is on trying to make the best out of the shit I've got. The thing about it is that I'm still here. I'm still waiting for God to get around to answering my prayer. Seriously this is what it feels like. I decided tonight not to distract myself and instead to really apply the matter of my problem with faith to some study, and this is the result. Me mulling over and over again at the fact that God's timing today did not include a breakthrough. Which isn't to say one isn't coming, it IS to say that I am very very very very frustrated with this whole shit mess that is being alive.
As I point out to myself at least once a day I could have been dead and peacefully napping in my grave three fucking years ago. Which is kind of the end all be all of nirvana for christians. Yeah yeah, being alive is nice for writing books, loving people, building shit and making babies, but the real payoff? death. Because that is when you KNOW what you desire will finally be answered. I don't mean what you desire like that new boat to take you family out fishing on, I mean a final, CONCRETE end to all the pain and suffering you've been bitching about.
Because after all, that's what it's all about isn't it? You live, you suffer, you die, and isn't that christlike in it's simplicity. Some people (me when I'm not pissed and a few other idealists) think this life can be nirvana in itself. So we go about seeking it out. And now we've come full circle back to my unresolved prayer issue and pastor Paul.
So pastor Paul says he wants me to write a letter telling God all the shit I'm grateful for (he didn't say shit). So I started writing it, and I realized somewhere along the way that this is not a solution. I'm not discounting it as an exercise, I'm glad to express to God I am grateful for him to be in my life and for all the wonderful shit he has done. It's wonderful. But it does not address the problem at hand in my relationship with him.
The problem at hand in my relationship with him is my rather inconsequential dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle, and with the lifestyle I had when I worked 9-5 and had money but not satisfaction, and the entire lifestyle of chasing what is profitable instead of what is fulfilling. But I don't even know why I bitch about what is fulfilling, when it is so far distant from where I am.
-------------------- at this point Max's girlfriend came home and spoke encouraging words, got Max to eat, watch cutthroat kitchen and go to bed. Max continues 10 hours later
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It's a new morning on day two. An atheistic viewpoint would say that the sunlight was so bright and I was so undrugged that I rose two or three hours early. A God based viewpoint says God desired me to be up early. A me centered viewpoint says deep down I didn't want more sleep I wanted to figure out answers to my questions. You must decide for yourself which is correct. I think it's two AND three.
So I rose early (for me) and started seeking God, since that was one of the convictions he pressed on me last night. I feel somewhat shored up. I did as instructed by him and sought him with a full heart. I put my anxiety on him, my questions, my fear. This is not to say they are any less real. This is not to say it is over yet, because it isn't.
This is to say that something spoke to my heart to believe that there is a breakthrough coming. I read Ask, Seek, Knock and it had some pretty pointed things towards the exact attitudes I was living in. So that's usually the communication from God that I receive. Tonight is church.
Today I plan to get more sleep drugs, get more coffee, go to the gym, if the girl gets up and it fits in I will help her move. I feel energized and ready for stuff, which is normal for having been up a few hours at this time of day. I think 20 more minutes of quiet study will suffice then I will meditate on what I read while I flit about doing my errands. I also need to air up my tires. Today is a new day, I am renewed and ready for God to work in my life.
The problem is simply the same reason ANYONE stops following God: the reasons against outnumber the reasons for. Being recently out of this hole I can say that a number of things have challenged and will continue to challenge my faith.
1. lack of support: We go through real and painful life events in our young lives. In today's world to be young is to be poor, and the message from the pulpit is often "God will make it better." A continued problem is the lack of backing up that statement. It is all too easy to make a half hearted promise, it is something else entirely to let God work through you in a young person's life.
2. the stuff does not work the way we were told: Young people are told constantly about the practices of faith. Some of us attempt to put them into practice in a simple equation of the ends justifying the means. Through Christ we are promised the very desires of our hearts, in exchange all we are told we have to do is submit our will to him. Yet it is not so simple. Arriving at where we had hoped Christ would lead us may by months if not years down the track, if it arrives at all. which leads directly to point 3.
3. We are still under attack. Young Christians are under attack not just for the witness we live in our present lives but for the witness and path that God has set out for us in the future. Bad if not awful things continue to attack us. Sometimes it's as little as barely having enough to survive, other times it's as sophisticated as feeling our dreams may never be reached. All of this puts a horrible strain on our relationship with the one who loves us most. We are forced to ask uncomfortable questions about the nature of this love, questions that go unanswered. We are left alone with a pit, a God who provides more trials and tests than deliverance and ourselves asking the question "why am I here?"
If you can find answers to those issues you certainly have God with you because I have not. I have found no one who has come up with any better answer than "it gets better". Does it? Does it really? And tell me how does it getting better help me when you cannot substantiate that claim with a timeframe, or back up that promise with data and work. You cannot sell a car without giving the new owner safety data and gas mileage, yet you think you can sell a way of life without providing something more than just claims. Challenging question, and here is a challenging answer in return.
we seek with all our hearts for answers to these the pointed questions
"answers! answers! answers!"
We beg, we plead, we search and we dig. A process which one day earlier might have been more finite and ending we may now be at for years or for life.
This new world of information means that there is more data to shift. The shovels, the tools and the very shoes on our feet in this journey we will soon find are quite inadequate for the length of the journey, for the dearth of information we have to sift through. At times we attempt to seek out other seekers of truth in our area of distress. Sometimes this is fruitful, and answers are shared. More often those who claim to have obtained truth are unwilling to share the keys to the gates of truth. They often will say something towards the persuasion of: "Find truth! It won't steer you wrong!" But when it comes to the every day application of truth we are sadly in great ignorance.
We are like sheep or cows with electronic repair manuals and broken machines. It is not only the lack of tools that we are sorrowful in, we are sorrowful that our limited minds cannot understand what it is that we lack. We read from others who claim to have answers, to hear the same jargon and half answers we heard before. At times we hear or read something in the blanks between the half answers that sounds like a new answer. That answer is almost constantly the same one: Give up.
"Give up" it whispers quietly and fluidly like an old friend. "Give up and find peace with your ignorance. If there are answers they will find you." But you and I know that is not so. Food is given to him who is hungry and asks for it, sometimes works for it. So knowledge and wisdom belong to the seeker! These who would have you or I to give up would have you believe that this is as good as it gets. I can tell you from experience it is not. There is so much better than this moment now. I do not care where this moment finds us, it can and will get better. There is ALWAYS more, this concept may baffle you yet it is true. The question has never been "is there more?" Of course there is, you could not understand it if it were otherwise. The question is more along the lines of "When will more be enough?" Which is to say that we desire to know when our quest will reach the predetermined destination to which we are journeying, otherwise we will never know contentment.
Greed to it's own ends is of course evil, but not for the reasons you might think. You must be able to arrive at the station you are traveling to if you want to quest successfully. You can't just say "take me where the road takes people" for that is gasping in the wind. The road goes on further than your feet can carry you in the time given. If the road is good and the journey worth taking then there must be purpose in it. If it is to see sights, then see them and be content. If you are taking it to end up somewhere then take the shortest road. Lust and greed are more along the lines of worshiping the process and not the creator of the process.
Yet here we are, not where we desire to be, not knowing what we desire to know, and with an uncertain road ahead. We fight throughout the day and the night, trying to hold on to that vision, that dream of arriving, of knowing, and of contentment. Is it there? Can you see it? I, for my considerable impairment, cannot see it today. I do not lose heart, because I have but human limited eyes. There is one who can see, and he says hold on. There is one who knows, and he says to seek. He says to ask and he says to knock and the door will be opened. Could he say such things, given his authority, and they not be true? If in him we put our trust, and our love, we must hold these things to be true. I beg, I beg, help me friends. Help me enemies! Help me strangers whom I have not met whom might yet be friends or enemies. Give of what you understand, that I might grasp closer to the truth! Let us share in our substantial difficulties in searching out the nirvana of contentment in our time. Let us collaborate and more effectively direct our search and quest. Together we will find a way, together we will reach Truth!
So, here we are at the beginning of a new year. Everyone is making a big deal about the new year and new chances it brings. What has today consisted of for me? Begging for enough to pay the bills.
Now look, I don't want to get too far into how bad it is right now because wallowing in self pity is not what I want. I want to document the absolute lunacy that is my life right now.
How is this lunacy Max? Everybody has to stretch to make ends meet. (this is my imaginary mother or other apologist for the pain crowd)
First of all, no, no they don't. I know there is a better state of being I have been there. It can be constant, and it is very real. People live in it. I hate it when the excuse for why I should have to withstand whatever painful stuff comes my way because other people have to. Lots of bad things happen to other people. Other people get in car wrecks, get cancer, live in 3rd world countries, don't have enough to eat, are homeless, are unable to find any paying work, have other horrible diseases and conditions I have not listed here. Not one of their pain means I should be in it as well. If you mean to justify that I should feel okay about my problem because other people have had it, I could save you some time. I could save you time because pain as a human is a constant since before time was time, before the written word and before we had language.
This song popped into my mind while thinking about the issue of owning the same misery as others:
The point I am trying to make is that if sharing made it better, things would be wonderful because many my age are poor, and struggling with the same issues. Many are worse off! What joy I should have not to be them. I cannot be them, I can only be me. I cannot properly experience the joy of having not been raped by a family member, which I imagine to be the ultimate in psychological agony, because it has never happened to me. I'm not going to go make bad things happen so I can be overjoyed they are not happening.
I do not cry out in pain because I feel I am alone in said pain, because I would be much louder about it in that case. If I found some new and original way to be in pain I would write a book about that and make tons of money because something new would be worth sharing with the world. Something new is a rarity in this world.
I cry out because there is some inner working that believes it should be better. Part of that is that God has promised these huge unanchored claims of what he is going to do. They are unanchored because they come with stipulations (almost everything does).
Stipulation 1: the methods of delivery
In his word(biblical law) it is a common stipulation when God sets about to bless or curse someone that he reserves the right to do it his way. A good catch all verse is Isaih 55:8-9
It is written:
"8 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts"
But what does that mean for us? For us this releases God from a literal interpretation of any single promise or guide for what he says he will do, which is a mercy in some ways. There are some very specific promises you can attempt to claim and he will fulfill after his own way and in his own fashion. Some examples:
Malachi 3:10
It is written:
"10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this," says the LORD of hosts, "if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows."
Take that literally and it says if you tithe you'll have so much more than enough that you won't know where to keep it. This is a quite serious promise of God oft quoted around offering time to remind us of our tithing duty which most of us do regardless of what they say.
I have had many preachers say it is unusual for God to tell his followers to directly test him on something. I have tested this and I am sad to say things are not overflowing in the present. Part of this is timing which I will deal with in the next point. But a larger part is that God will bless the way that he desires to, in ways he feels are needed. The overflow is at a timing to his liking and in a way he desires to move already. You don't get jack in the way of say so.
Another verse I have mulled over many times.
Matthew 7:8-9
It is written
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8"For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.…"
These are the direct words of Christ, there does not come a higher authority to make a promise such as this. Theological scholars believe that Christ (the word) is the doing part of the trinity. In the beginning the word was with God and the word was God. So when the part of God that gets stuff done says "Ask and it will be given" you need to listen to that. Yet it is still within the law of God. The lord will do it his way, I assure you of this. Many things I have asked and some are yet to be answered, some remained unanswered by his grace, and others happened just as I prayed them. The third category is the smallest in my answered prayers. How rarely he has done exactly what I asked of him. I don't deny that he has done good work, but I do remain frustrated that he does not answer in the way I would like.
Now on to my second point which is timing. This is the point that I think causes the most confusion among people like me. We're confused because it really bothers us and we don't want to understand. Yet we have no choice. If we intend to live in his word and as his people we have to understand the stipulations and limitations of what we receive.
God does things in his own timing and frankly it sucks, particularly for American believers.
Our problem as Americans is wrapping our minds around two concepts at once. The first is as I have said God does things in his own timing.
Habakkuk 2:3
It is written:
3 For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.
This turns out to be a rather challenging issue to find verses on and the above verse most directly addresses it. Any long term follower of God will tell you he doesn't generally answer in the same day that you ask for stuff. This baffles non believers, because in some of the promise verses it seems like he said he would. However other verses refer to that his blessings and promises will be fulfilled in a specific season.
The second problem has to do with our nature as a rich country. It is in our nature to believe (with some backing) that more resources leads to faster delivery of whatever we seek to trade for those resources. We imagine an all powerful God, with the resources to create the universe and we cannot imagine how it is that he does not deliver when we ask, or shortly there-after.
This is perhaps one of the biggest reasons the Bible says that drawing near to God is difficult for the rich. For one, it is hard to rely on God when you can provide it for yourself. Second, your expectations are set differently when you are used to having more. I still labor under the expectation that I should have a dishwasher and be able to do laundry in my home. Not having that makes me feel incomplete, while others I know are not so burdened.
The desires of my heart are different from someone born poor. Someone born to a family of little means would be content just to own a house, a car, and maybe retire one day. That is up from where they started and that is very good. Meanwhile I am constantly feeling down from where I started. I started off in a family that was free to travel once a year. We went out to eat regularly. I went to private schools. We went to movies and plays often, and I had up until I moved out never lived long term in a rental property. We never had to scrimp to have enough to eat, or for clothes, or for gas. All of these uncomfortable realities are still new to me. They are still things I don't understand. I don't understand how many can work full time and not make ends meet, because growing up we didn't know that.
So my dreams of living entirely self sufficiently seemed to me like something God would have no problem with, but, well, I cannot say.
I am tired and frustrated of having just enough, or barely enough, I would like very much for things to change. Yet I continue pushing on, because the choices are give up or push on, and I have Christ within me so I push on. I don't see any other path that works. *sigh*
I wish I could just completely dismiss whether he will work. I wish I could find a way to explain him away, because it would be simpler. But in the process of writing this he chose to remind me who he is.... and so I wait. It hurts, and I don't want to, but given the choices I will abide in him.
So there is the issue that he promises better than I have. There is also the underlying believe in my philosophy that I can do better than this. Given my resources, my belief is that I should be able to at least achieve stability, if not the ultimate nirvana of total financial freedom. Now I'm not saying right away because I am more familiar with my limitatons, but eventually my belief is that it should be possible, on some amount of time in the order of years not decades.
This comes down to my basic understanding of the universe. In my understanding certain things are run in systems. Organizations, money, chemistry, organic science, engineering and physics are examples of such systems. Any system has rules. Any system with rules can be exploited to deliver anything said system is capable of delivering. Organizations can be exploited for power over people, that is not something I desire so I have not invested in that system. Chemistry can be exploited to make cool reactions. You get the gist. Therefor money should be exploitable to the point of creating a simple cash stream which I can sustain myself on and ignore money for the rest of my life. This is my dream.
To do that I have identified the goal, which is about two and a half million dollars as the amount needed to deliver a dividend of 50k a year inflation adjusted ad infinitum. How to raise it is where I am currently stuck. I have no interest at all in working 20+ years just to make enough to enjoy the remaining 40. That's poor math. I would be somewhat okay with working 10 years to enjoy the remaining 50 if God allows. I would prefer greater 5 years, and of course I would enjoy most one or fewer years.
Which is why I approached God with my request. With the promises made in scripture I thought it would be abundantly simple for him to grant my requests, namely a good piece of land and a good income so I could go about working towards my dreams. It has yet to come to pass.
It is my firm belief that if I study the problem for another year or two I might find a hole in it and be able to flip it around. The current amount needed to be generated (net meaning after tax, not gross before tax) is around six million. This allows for the purchase and refurbishment of the land I desire and to set up the fund to sustain myself. If we took the promises literally we might hope for more, since I have asked about other things. However, the problem stands that in today-world we are still struggling with much smaller problems, and as my doubts say "if God is there for such a big promise why are such small problems tormenting you?"
Because the dark forces want to bring me down, that is the only answer I have. I do not know what the delay is at this point. I do not know why I feel so alone, or what the source of my pain is (apart from poverty). I know who God is, and I know what he promises. So despite the stipulations I explained I wait for him to move.
did you ever want something so badly you couldn't imagine a world without it? Like you thought you might die if it wasn't there, you don't know who to be in a world without this perfect wonderful just out of reach thing? Then you tell other people about it and they just don't understand. They don't understand it and it breaks you. You wish someone could give you some definition, give you some way to define this, to tell you it all worked out okay in the end for them. No one does. Life goes on and day by day you get used to that dull ache in the bottom of your soul. You fill your life with noise and games, trying to block out the fact that you are in essence incomplete. Some people, more than I can put a number to, will tell you this is what adulthood is about. That there is no such nirvana as to be complete. It would be nice to believe them, but your heart still won't let go. You are mourning for the could have been and the never was, or the what should be and the what has not yet come to be. There is no future for you that you can really....fit with, because you don't know if missing a part of you will ever go away. Welcome to the planet.
I am frustrated and I do not care who reads this, I know that one hears my prayers and frustration. This is just...... trying to understand myself. I'm hurting, so much. deep in my soul I feel a rift between my dreams, my hopes, my goals, and where I want to be and where I am.
It's by far one of the worse anxiety/depressive episodes that has suddenly hit me square in the chest. It started this morning. I've been trying to stay up, hoping for the best and making the best with what I have. Then we went in to talk to Sam's land lord.... and they said they wanted to sue her for making payment arrangement.
Right then and there a little rage built in my soul. Not just a rage against them, yes, they are being cruel and rediculous, I'm not their mother and we will survive. It's a rage against this whole PLACE. Not just the physical place of Tulsa, Oklahoma, though there is that. It's a rage against this financial blech that my life is in. It's a rage that God has determined I need to be here. I identify with Joseph being stuck in prison when he had been given visions for better. Look, my life is not a prison. I have a good house, good career in something that completely doesn't thrill me. I'm keeping busy while I wait.
It's just, in addition to being stuck here, I'm also without a single answer as to whether or when it will change. Of course change is the natural progression of life. But for the better? who knows?
*sigh* no answers here. I always start these things looking for answers and end up with a blank. Which probably is why I'm not writing as much lately, and not having as much traffic. Neither matter, in the long run.............
