I'm only writing now because of a generalized sense of guilt over not writing for two days.
I'm not feeling well, if anything it's worse now than it was. I am now given three choices: To talk about it and sink deeper, to try to avoid talking about it and type on, and finally to not say a thing more. However a four line post does not really constitute therapy.
I'm suicidal, entering the phase where my brain tries to come up with an idea for how to kill myself. I have a plan for fighting this, broken into stages:
Stage one: Get more serious about taking my meds, avoid sedatives, start drinking coffee tomorrow.
Stage two: Passing the time period in which my meds should kick in, I begin smoking again.
Stage three: check myself into a hospital.
I have already alerted my family of the urgency of the present situation, and of this plan. I've given them plenty of time to try and solve it, in their way. Of course the problem is that all of my solutions are chemical..... But that is what it is.
I really try to remain peaceful after dark, as midnight approaches I must return to the things that bring me a measure of peace:
The complete void that is the universe. It seems counter intuitive, but the most calming thing I find is to think about how little anything means. Stating things as less than statements. One being less than two. The most peaceful is less than zero, less than nothing at all. Focus on the darkness that surrounds me.
Occasionally I do seem to like thinking about horror stories. It amuses me that I once feared these things, I have no idea why they comfort me now. I suppose it is somewhat uplifting to think of how it could be worse.
I'm not feeling well, if anything it's worse now than it was. I am now given three choices: To talk about it and sink deeper, to try to avoid talking about it and type on, and finally to not say a thing more. However a four line post does not really constitute therapy.
I'm suicidal, entering the phase where my brain tries to come up with an idea for how to kill myself. I have a plan for fighting this, broken into stages:
Stage one: Get more serious about taking my meds, avoid sedatives, start drinking coffee tomorrow.
Stage two: Passing the time period in which my meds should kick in, I begin smoking again.
Stage three: check myself into a hospital.
I have already alerted my family of the urgency of the present situation, and of this plan. I've given them plenty of time to try and solve it, in their way. Of course the problem is that all of my solutions are chemical..... But that is what it is.
I really try to remain peaceful after dark, as midnight approaches I must return to the things that bring me a measure of peace:
The complete void that is the universe. It seems counter intuitive, but the most calming thing I find is to think about how little anything means. Stating things as less than statements. One being less than two. The most peaceful is less than zero, less than nothing at all. Focus on the darkness that surrounds me.
Occasionally I do seem to like thinking about horror stories. It amuses me that I once feared these things, I have no idea why they comfort me now. I suppose it is somewhat uplifting to think of how it could be worse.
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