Hopeless

I'm not one to subscribe to the things my depression tells me. I really try to hold onto some sense of hope and faith that I believe has helped me me get this far.

Which is why when I woke up this morning after another in a long line of bad nights of sleep believing the doctor would make things better, I was on my last hope in the "real world".

She did not seem to agree. I was told I need to pull myself back together. She did give me some new meds and instructions, which I will follow because the drugs are good and the instructions are to work out. I like working out.... it's like telling a kid to eat candy.

She said I likely won't be getting medicated for my ADD any time soon. Which to me means I won't be high functioning... it is what it is. I could rebel and abuse drugs, or I can obey. Since my family wants me to obey, and in my depressed state they're all that matters, I will obey. I'm also a horrible liar... probably one of the reasons I haven't succeeded as much as I wanted to.

I'm dealing with philosophical/spiritual issues of hopelessness. I have no idea if the dreams I had were delusions or not. At the moment they seem more like delusions. Yet following (and loving) God is a delusion if you approach it from a pragmatic/logical view. It's supposed to be. Maybe that's part of it's power. In the study of human potential I've lost track of people doing things simply because no one told them that they couldn't.

Yet... it's just another thing to give God. I have to give him back the vision I thought he gave me. Because he has done nothing to develop that vision into reality in my life. I don't deny he can do it. Guess what: He doesn't have depression or the same limitations I have. God knows (literally) what he can do. One day I'd like to know.

I was happy, for a brief moment, despite the absurd problems of my life. That was nice. Maybe someday I'll feel okay again. Not today though. Nope.

Terrorists vs the rest of us

I know I've ranted about this before, but as long as they keep doing it I'll keep ranting over it. Republicans in congress are once again threatening to shut the government down, this time over planned parenthood. So, in case you are missing the logical gap here:
What they are saying is that how unhappy they are that women can receive healthcare that they are willing to hold the country hostage, AGAIN. HOW THE FUCK DO WE KEEP ELECTING THESE CLOWNS? I'm not an ultra liberal, I don't think democrats are always right, and I don't like Hillary Clinton. I'm not even the most out there feminist, though I do want equal pay and equal access to health care. However this is a trend, using terrorist tactics over healthcare. What they are saying, in essence, is that they will shut down everything if they don't get their way. Is this an appropriate way for an adult... a LAWMAKER?! to act?! I say "LAWMAKER?!" because it is questionable to call republican senators lawmakers. That's like calling a butcher a cow breeder... They're just terrorist trolls.
Here's another funny thing, Donald Trump has jumped on the bandwagon. He has made his public policy if there is an awful thing to say, be it racist, generally bigotted or ill advised he's going to be the furthest out there.
So my advice to them? Do it, show us all what terrorist assholes you are. Eventually we'll get you out of office. Keep going further, because it's going to get bad before people won't put up with it anymore. If Trump wins the nomination he'll automatically have a respectable chance of being elected president. Then we'll find out what it's like having a president further right than George W Bush. Gold sales will go up (and I wouldn't doubt that Trump is well diversified in Gold). Wait, that's it, I cracked the code. Trump is not actually interested politics. He just bought tons of stock in things that go up when a huge fucking recession hits, and the only way to be SURE it happens is to run for president.

Well, at least someone will benefit, right? I mean it's not like our country cares enough to fight this. Honestly it's like the whole country has clinical depression and keeps electing people to try and kill itself. Then it comes out for a few years and tries to recover... but some inner part just loves the look of that gun. It loves the look of that Trump (or Bush) recession. Sometimes it's easier to be sick. 

realization

So I was writing for tumblr (http://cynicalviking.tumblr.com/)
Then I realized that for the past.... I don't know... two or three years, I've been trying to prepare for another death.
This pretty much sums up the Max approach to pain: Ow, that hurt. How can I make sure it never hurts again, and if it does I'm prepped.
Blame the Boy Scout in me, because when I see something terrible I start working on insulating myself from it. Divorce and depression are amazingly hard to insulate against. When I was 22 (2010) I sunk into a deep depression funk over my divorce. For a year and a half I slept, jerked off, and did drugs. Essentially I was dead for almost two years, and it was a wonderful escape from the world. I saw what I really needed to survive having my very existence removed. I learned that things don't last.

The best metaphor I have is if you got into a car wreck, but instead of the airbag saving you the entire car was sucked into another universe and your body hits the freeway at 75 miles an hour. Then you crawl into a cave, occasionally crawling out to eat berries like a wild raccoon. That's what divorce is like for me.

So I don't know what other bad shit is out there, because I could not understand what happened to me before it happened, but the cave and berries saved me. So I'm looking for a cave that will last and to plant some berry bushes. Until I manage that, I can't really build anything.

Purpose

I'd like to share a part of the affirmation from my previous regular church, Victory Christian in Tulsa Oklahoma.

"I'm here on purpose because I have a purpose"

What is a purpose? I ask out of genuine confusion. I'm not confused as to the meaning (checks dictionary).

According to Google a purpose is, "the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists." Which kind of implies that something is created. I suppose my stance is ultimately humanist as I find that concept very silly.

Biologically the facts state that a person is born because life wants to reproduce. Why? Because life affronts basic entropy by trying to stick around regardless of what sort of issues come up. So if you want a scientific reason for existence, this is it: to exist.

So this gives a much better answer for why bad things happen: stress testing. If I don't make it, I didn't deserve to and thus my failure is justified. Which is actually the EXACT SAME ANSWER that Christianity has for why God allows life to fuck with us.

1 Peter 1:6-8 says: "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,…"

So we might then conclude that the Christian purpose for life is to suffer... which again is too simple.

Christ said "I come that you may have life and life more abundantly"..... and I was going to jump on a rant about how Christ came so that life would be okay, but it does not say that. It says we would have life and have it abundantly... Which depends on what your definition of life is.

Again the Google definition is: "the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death."

Was there anything in there about getting rich? How about romance? Peace? Happiness? Safety? No?
Because all that is crap. The only thing Christ says about it amounts essentially to "don't worry about it and it will be taken care of well".

The other often quote scripture says that God has a plan for you, plans for hope and a future. The problem is that scripture was directed to a specific group of people. Heck, I can go one better, read the promises of Isaiah. There is a SPECIFIC LITERAL PROMISE to make you rich. To encrust your walls with precious stones. Go to God and try to claim that promise. Go on, it'll be fun..... Oh he didn't do anything about that? Maybe that's because that specific promise is directed towards some specific people that aren't you or me.

Fuck. I'd love to believe in some sort of magical purpose God has for my life, but realistically the only reason I am here right now is that I survived. If I had put a gun to my head God's plan would move along just as well. If there is a plan where is it? If God actually has some kind of shit he wants done by me would he allow such a fucking strong desire to die to exist? Fuck no. A purpose denotes importance, forethought and possibly love. I don't deny that God loves us. I heavily question whether that love includes a future, hope, happiness, or life EVER stopping hurting. It doesn't have to happen. If it did, it would. As always I may be proven entirely wrong. I would love for that to happen. I'm not typing this up because I'm on the attack with God, I'm on the defense from life. God can either be on my side or on the sidelines. He's good so he can't attack me directly. In fact he can't through inaction hurt me. All he can do is show up later and say there was a purpose to it........ I struggle with this. I've been asking questions and am still yet to get an answer.

Here is what Kurt Vonnegut came up with in Cat's Cradle:
"In the beginning, God created the earth, and he looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness.
And God said, “Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done.”  And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man.  Mud as man alone could speak.  God leaned close as mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke.  Man blinked.  “What is the purpose of all this?” he asked politely.
“Everything must have a purpose?” asked God.
“Certainly,” said man.
“Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this,” said God.  And He went away."

Seems as good an answer as any.

Impossible Forgiveness

So I had one of my typical anxiety nightmares last night. I was over at my parents talking to them about their situation, and Dad is going on about how great everything is. I just kept having this uneasy feeling about the whole thing. At some point I go back to his old office he had when I was a kid (his new office is in a different room), and I see that the computer is being controlled remotely. It turns out that he is involved in some kind of pyramid scheme. He's invested all their money in this scam...

Then I meet his "business partner" who turns out to be a tall, skinny very smooth man. I keep telling him my concerns and he keeps telling me how he understands how I feel, but that's the way it is. It becomes obvious to me he's not sorry. He says something really offensive, and then he says how he is shocked I haven't hit him.

I realized that I hate him, he ruined my life, my family's life and he isn't even sorry. I beat the crap out of him. Eventually other people come around and carry his limp body away. I then keep trying to convince the people how evil this guy is, but he's been so charming it's really hard. Around then I woke up. I thought they were just about to believe me.... but they didn't.

----

So I had to analyze this, I was very anxious at the end of this dream. Even waking up I felt the pain of being screwed over. I knew it was a metaphor and I figured out I was still angry at someone. Without much hesitation I thought of what I am angry at: corporations.

I generally don't think I am that angry. I love people. I try to be kind to everyone I meet. But I hold no regard for the companies that make a profit while.... well while what happens to me happens to me. It's hard to explain, because it's been building for so long. When I was growing up I was moved to Oklahoma because my parents needed jobs here. Then that and a few more companies fired my Dad, and never because of something he did, but because of downsizing. I somehow entered the work world and had a few years hopping from job to job. I found a few places I was almost happy.

But because of the total lack of interest the companies had in my contentment I never stayed long. I tried to after I got married, but that didn't work. When I refused to leave no matter how bad it got, the companies made sure I left. This was a contributing factor to my divorce. It took me two years to go back to work. I went back and eventually found a place I really was happy. I stayed there my longest ever for a year and a half. I had done part time for that long before, but that was working for friends and family.

The way that ended still hurt me. Conditions reached a point I did not feel I could keep myself safe or my patients. Despite being good at the job, loving my patients and enjoying many days there, it was agony to leave. The thing is that when your options are jail or unemployment, you pick the one you can recover from.

So in both metaphorical and direct ways a number of companies have been involved in what is wrong with my life. In many of those cases I did not hate the persons working for that company, I hated the company. What's more I would repeat to myself that this is what they do. This is what companies do for a profit.

I'm not saying that hurting over any of that is wrong. I am however saying that I need to learn to forgive to honor my agreement with God. If I cannot forgive others, I can't be forgiven.

These are my thoughts on my anger towards them:
1. The system is flawed. They may very well be evil. The bible says "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities". However it also says to forgive and pray for your enemies. It also says to love your neighbor. I know hate is a cancer that will kill as sure as a bullet. So for myself more than them I need to forgive.

2. Every company is different. I know good businessmen, and good companies that I have some trust for. Black and white thinking is a thinking error. I can't say all businesses are bad.

3. It's entirely possible what has been blocking God from moving me to the next step is the anger I have inside. If that is the case, that alone is a good reason to let go.

4. The past is impossible to change. So until I get a time machine I have to move on.

5. I have people who care about me now. I have people who believe in me and it's not honorable to them to hold anger inside.

That's my start. I hope I can figure out how to forgive and let go. I hope things get better. Staying angry won't make them better. One day at a time.

thoughts on God "fighting for me"

So today my mentor asked me "what if you did leave God, what would that look like?" Which of course is a direct response to my description of my faith as it is right now..... pretty broken, not alot of hope around here..... fighting to hold on or to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to do to actually have a relationship with God.... I've been over this here, read my earlier posts.

Then, when I was still in the coffee shop this girl walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. My initial reaction is "a girl's number? that's cute, but I'm taken and not really the time."

Then I looked at it. It said:
"He's fighting for you. You're good." With a picture of a sun.

 I'd upload a pic but honestly my computer and blogger are giving me enough trouble trying to type.


So my initial thoughts on reading this were some mixture of "that's precious" and "we'll see"

As I've thought about it, it really bothers me. I'm so sick of people trying to give me a boost, or of fricken encouragement to continue this battle that I'm so tired of. If he's fighting why is my blood all I see on the ground? If he's fighting then why can I not write because of this ANNOYING laptop.

OK! Laptop rant. Don't buy Asus, because every computer I have gotten from them has been progressively worse, with this one taking the cake. My first four were stolen. So I came back to them because I had loyalty.... which is now gone. I would say the same about windows at this point but you can't not use windows..... there's too many programs we need it for. Apple ownership does not suit me due to price and attitude.... I don't want to act like I'm better than people because I paid double what the hardware was worth for a machine that doesn't act like it's mine. You can't even install linux on these new laptops, windows messed up the boot menu. Windows 8 is a tablet OS forced onto traditional hardware to disturb traditional users. It's like if you cooked lobster like beef.

Anyway, spiritual issues.

So my point is that why am I seeing no results if I am being fought for? Where is this supposed love? Why am I being pushed to the point that when he says he's fighting for me all I feel is anger that he didn't put his best into trying to save me? Where is the wisdom, the strength, the comfort and most of all the answers he promises so often? Now my general perspective of his flock is a bunch of sheep being led by wolves, there are SO many shysters who don't care at all about people, or faith, they care about lining their pockets. I saw one today promising God would heal if you just ordered his healing kit which included a book, a few cds and a "healing drive" which was full of mp3 teachings on healing. This is pure profiteering on the misery of others. Those of us who are living with the misery of waiting on God, questioning all we thought we knew, wondering what our worth is when he leaves us in the dark so long.......

It's hard to have a relationship when you feel devalued and disrespected. If this was ANY other relationship in my life I would have walked away at this point. If this was ANYONE other than God I would not accept this level of apathy and this treatment of value.

I guess I should give air to the opposite view. It's entirely possible that the reason for all this pain is to refine me into something more.... like fire refines gold. That's really poetic..... it's romantic crap, but poetic. look, I'm not in the mood to defend a position like this. I'm tired, feeling useless, unloved, and so sick of waiting.

I know from earlier this week that the verse that hope deferred makes the heart sick but hope fulfilled fills the heart to overflowing is true. I received my coat and it was one of the few moments of pure joy I've had this year so far.

So I'm waiting. I wanted to express my frustration and anger at being told something that I cannot see, and which I have sincere doubts I will see. When I see it, I'll see it. When God decides the time has come to answer.... that will be a different day.

For now all I can say is that as long as I have passion and strength it is his, even if he doesn't honor the gift it is still my honor to give it. On the day of judgement I will stand and be able to say that my beautiful poetic words were deleted by a crappy computer. I will say that I didn't turn despite the overwhelming amount of good reason that I should have. I can say that I tried, I gave my best and I sought him. I can only hope that honor and righteousness will win out in the end. I'd love to see his glory in this life..... we'll see, as I've said many times, when he delivers this will be part of my testimony, how much pain I went through waiting. If that can save even one life it would be worth it.

Dangerous line of thought

I wrote the first part of this on 3/5, the narrative and second bit on 3/6
------------------
So last night I was thinking (obviously, lots of good writing done yesterday).

I was kind of mulling over my life, as I have been for the past few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not happy. So the question is how to be happy.

I don't mean bad things never happen, that's an unrealistic goal. The goal is a general state of contentment that leads to an overall sense of joy in my existence. So, what makes me happy.... short list:

Girlfriend
Intoxication
Writing
Video Games
Dog (and cat)
helping people

I think I've made a pretty good attempt to help people for a living. The general process to get to help people is tons of school which educates the person in everything except of course the job they are doing. It's abnormally hateful and awful.

---------
*written narrative* At this point the teacher decided to spring a pop quiz on the already tired and quite irritated Max. Following a 10 minute break in which Max called his mother and questioned the utility of school in the first place, the professor subjected the class to a lab quiz. Having answered the questions to the best of his ability, Max attempted to wait for the professor to reach the point. Professor was unable before Max went into a long panic attack about the general state of his studies. The professor seemed to take joy in announcing to the class that it would be a long class. Max considers suicide.... goes home, kisses girlfriend, gets laundry, meets up with Nikki..... goes back home...... washes dishes, makes dinner..... goes to bed.

We continue on the next day.
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Oh, forgot to mention the nightmares in the narrative. I dreamed I was living out a dead space game, which generally illustrates the terror my life has acquired. I had another dream that I kept showing up in bathrooms but the toilets instead of disposing of feces were spewing more of it out.

I hope that captures well the terror that I have living in my situation. I now live in an upside down world in which toilets work the exact wrong way. Toilets could symbolize people, systems, work, take your pick. Regardless it is a huge anxiety when what was supposed to dispose of the unwanted instead deposits more of it in your life.....

Life goes on.
I'm trying to get around to saying I want to do something more fulfilling. Something meaningful perhaps. So far I know I want to write and create, but I have to pay the bills. I'm wondering if there is something less agonizingly stupid than medical education.

We'll see.

How are you?

I have been thinking about this sentence for some time because it really matters to how I relate to people. I'd like to think that my observations on this matter will at the very least scratch some psychological itch. At most maybe the reader can relate.

I live in northeast Oklahoma. The area is known as green country. I live smack in the middle in a city called Tulsa. I've discussed it before, but this is important detail. Departing from most urbanites the Tulsa approach to city life includes fake bonding and fake kindness. Some might blame the churches, others the poverty, and still others might point an accusing finger at the climate.

Whatever the reason it seems I find myself walking through public areas with people who know me only distantly asking me what I consider a personal question. They ask me how I am.

It might just be my mood today but I really don't know how to properly answer for myself. The standard answer "fine" is a bald faced lie for me. I'm not fine. It is when I think about it a case of things being very far from fine. I'm really shocked I'm still alive today to have this conversation. But equal apathy keeps me from expressing this emotion. The apathy on their part is that while they want to appear concerned, they aren't invested. My apathy is sourced in my total distrust in the human race to appropriately respond to my status.

So I end up saying "not so good". Then they say "a case of the Mondays?"
I respond "sure, I just had a weekend..."

Somehow that is enough. Somehow it doesn't matter that I'm feeling like a run over piece of rubber. Or that I really can't be sure I'll be there to see them next time. Somehow social convention covers that.

Then when people do kill themselves all their friends say "we never saw this". I'd challenge those with depressed loved ones to actually want to see their loved ones as they are. Those of us in this boat are tryingg to treasure our remaining time. I don't want lectures on how it is selfish. Pain is a selfish feeling. It's a feeling that things aren't right and they should be better. It seems to me that feeling such pain over things being so not as they should be logically leads to the point that you deserve to not be in pain. No one I have met will stand behind this. Pain just is. So is time. In time it will go away. For now I'm watching and waiting. Watching to see if I can do anything. Waiting to see if God or anyone effects anything in my life. Waiting for salvation or death.

Optimism is a cancer, Hope is poison, and this crappy world isn't worth the effort to draw F***ing breath

I'm seriously depressed, pissed, and tired of trying to pretend any of this shit is going to be better. As I said aptly earlier it's not that I don't have friends or those that love me, it's that they are way outnumbered by everything that is set to break me down. Pray for me if you think that will work. Hopefully God will pull me back from the brink, I'll let you know. More likely I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. This is killing empathy for me.

I watch the "horrible" news, people are dead, politics is crap, people that try hard fail and are murdered. My thoughts generally? Fucking suck it up. There's no hope for the future, death is a sure thing, and frankly the only fucking blessing there is for the poor. If you're christian it's the only way you'll ever get to fucking choose where you live, what you eat, or to be healthy or happy. So hats off to death, the best plan our leaders have for poor people. Maybe we should have babies and sell them to the rich, I mean, if there's money in it why the fuck not? Why not expand prostitution? I mean no matter what you do in this shithole you're sucking corperate dick. I've gotten over my gag reflex over that, or doing unethical behaviour for a paycheck, why not just be a total whore? Makes a man wish he was a woman, there are options....