I had a very revealing conversation with my girlfriend yesterday. Wow, I never thought I'd be saying THAT one. Anyway, we were talking about why I'm unhappy. I was ranting (if you know me you know this is a pretty standard communication for me when I'm hurt) about how I hated my life. Now, before I go any deeper, let me say that I have a great life. I eat pretty well, I own a nice home, have a sweet girlfriend and a sweet dog. I have a working car, a few bikes, a wonderful gym to work out at, a stunning relationship with God, and a successful career for someone with my background, heck, for someone with any background. I have some of the nicest clothes I've been able to find, and I have some of the best friends. I am TRULY grateful for all I have. I don't want to ever forget that.
That being said, I'm going through a bit of a rough patch in my life. Despite all the wonderful things I have been given, and all the bright future ahead I'm told about, it can be pretty dark here.
I just heard this song this week, and I needed it like a thirsty man needs water:
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As I was saying, it's pretty dark here sometimes. I spend plenty of time alone. Which for me has been the norm for the past three years anyway. Alone is my default, I'm an only child and somewhat prone to isolation. One thing alone time does is it gives you plenty of time to think. I think that's probably why many of us (yes, I am guilty in the past of this) chase relationships that aren't good for us. We just want to not deal with that all critical internal eye that says "you're alone because of x-flaw." Being alone isn't a flaw, not always, but it can take strength. Some days I don't have as much strength as others. I think that's part of the growth process but I'm not sure. I've lost many of my mentors and people I look up to. At the moment my heroes are mostly historical. I try to be like David, hiding in a cave while saul tries to kill him. I try to be like Job, gripping his faith in God with all his might while he's told repeatedly that he deserves his fate. I try to be like the many heroes of history. They didn't become heroes because they were special, or smart, or any of that, though many of them had quality, they were heroes because they didn't give up. I'm not giving up. There, that's you're stirring speech part of my monologue.
I was talking about this conversation I had with my girlfriend (see I remembered!) I was getting ready to say we were talking about how I'm whining about the situation. I've been very upset, and lost, and confused. These must be normal things that go along with loss. I was forced to make a choice, a not fun choice, between my own safety and health, and my job. I don't want to go into the details and I know the company appreciates that I don't. The fact is that it was time for me to leave. As the good book says for everything there is a time and a season.
I loved the work, I was helping people. I was helping my 15 kids (no matter what in my heart I always thought of them that way.) I felt some echo of the joy it must be to be a parent. I felt the pain, and the joy of watching those I cared for succeed. I felt a joy to be a part of something, with great coworkers. I learned so much. I became the best me I have ever been. I felt better about me for being there, and that is the wonder of loving and being loved in return. But things changed. There were always challenges, but the challenges got bigger, and somewhere along the way instead of being loved I started being used. It led to the situation under which I left. But my heart still broke. I miss those snot nosed kids. I miss some of the people I worked with for a long time. They were part of my every day life, and now they aren't.
Which brings me to the theme I've been working on, which is that you can't feel emotional pain without an expectation that things could have gone better. I as much as said this in my conversation earlier this week. I was saying that people in poor countries, or countries with bad economies and bad governments have it way worse when it comes to *pauses to grope for answer* pretty much everything. The food, the emotional situation, the living conditions must be horrible, by our standards. But many of them find ways to be happy. How can this be? Because it was worse. If they can make it better than they consider an acceptable normal then they can find happiness. They say the secret to happiness is low expectations. The fact of the matter is that good things happening to us raise our expectations.
Which leads to my point. I don't want to go live in a poor country, because that isn't my calling. I don't want things to get worse, though I know they can and I know I can and will survive. I'm a tough old bird. I want it better though. I want WAY better, like so much better that the difference between the way I'm living now and the way people in third world countries live will be the difference between the way I live in the future and the way I'm living now. If that makes sense. To quote the good book (Job something or other) "Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be." I want THAT, I've had a taste of that. The only reason I'm unhappy now is that I know I'm not assured THAT level of happiness and comfort. Does any of this resonate? I'm not unhappy because my situation is bad, because I'm living in the top 20% of humanity and will likely never leave that level. I'm unhappy because I'm stuck. I'm unhappy because I know it can be better.
I was afforded growing up a great amount of comfort. I was taught culture, theology and how to be part of a loving family by two of the best parents I was so lucky to be born to. I was taken on cross country trips, given a first rate education, great medical care, all these things because my parents were blessed. I launched out into the adult world thinking this was the normal. I found out I was sorely mistaken. First the job market taught me a few lessons on humility. Then I got married and I learned a few more lessons. I never expected my marriage to end. In my mind divorce was something that happened to other people, like terrorism or being the victim of violent crime. When it fell apart my world fell apart. I know that is because up to that point I had been blessed to live in a world where marriages didn't fall apart. I lived in my parents world, where God, love, honor and commitment solved things. But it takes two people to make a marriage work. Mine didn't, work that is. I felt plenty of pain because of that. The greatest pain was falling out of the beautiful world I had built around myself. Yes there were hardships, but I had a wonderful sweet woman to stand by my side who loved me. I learned that day that people aren't infallible. I learned that no matter how much faith you have, or how much you pray, or how bright your future is, sometimes horrible things happen. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing you or I can do about it. Believe me I've tried. I've tried every dating screening tool I can manage to find a better woman, and discovered that while there are many kind wonderful sweet women, they all make mistakes. I've been miserable, because I remember the joy I felt when I was with Lindsay. I remember how completed and fulfilled I felt. I want to feel it again. Maybe I will someday.
I know there is better out there. This is why I'm upset. You can tell me all day long how it could be worse, and I'll agree with you. It definitely could. But it could be better. Maybe it will be. If God wills it to happen I believe it will. At the moment, I feel pretty screwed up. I don't know how God is going to take this fouled up situation and turn it to his good, I just give him everything. Including this feeling of hopelessness. I give him my finances, my heart, my mind, my future and my past. I give him my life. It says in the good book that he takes everything we give and returns it, but he returns it with abundant amounts more. If you give him your love and your heart he'll teach you to love on a scale you never thought you could. In theory the same applies to finances (we shall see).
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish I had a map showing me when he'd show up, but the fact is it could be any time. My friends and family keep saying that God will do his work in his timing. I know that, because his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. I'm still young, and I'm still somewhat impatient. I would like to see him do what he's going to do before I grow middle aged. I really would. He dangles it in front of me some days and honestly it's like holding a hot dog in front of a hungry dog. I get REALLY excited. Then he says "not yet" and I get really down. No one I know seems to get this. It wouldn't kill me so much if I didn't keep having glimpses of what's coming down the pike. You have no idea. I mean I've said some of it on my blog, but not nearly all of it. Some of it is just so big, you're just going to have to see it when it arrives. I'm trying not to give up, but right now I'm not feeling that strong. So I'm just standing and waiting. I feel, I trust, or at least I hope that I won't have to wait much longer for that day.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Why I don't care about your republican scare tactics
So, at the moment I am trapped in a red state, which for those of you out of the know means that I have access to the worst healthcare, education and government in the country. My senator is Inhofe. I have voted against him FOUR times. I wish I was overstating things by saying that I think that a well informed chimp would be an improvement. The main reason is that every time I see his name on the news he's doing something stupid. Today was one of those days!
So sometime yesterday afternoon our new friend Ted Cruz started filibustering because he wants to use the government shutdown scare tactic to force defunding of Obamacare. Now, let's take this at face value. This is a very rich man getting very very upset because poor people might get healthcare. The gall, if they live long enough they might climb out of their holes. This is at the same time as the Republican party attempts to defund food stamps. Because you know, people who eat because they can't afford food are leaches. Look, we have emotional issues here. He just got done after 21 hours. When I read the news support it said Inhofe was supporting him. At first I thought "Why would he do that? Doesn't he realize none of his constituents want a government shutdown?" Then I realized that he is in the position that he will never lose his seat. The Democrats gave up on this state a long time ago. Most liberals move, I know I will if I get the chance.
Look, they aren't going to defund Obamacare. The funding is set aside already and the bill already passed. Obamacare hurts no one other than big insurance. I think what we are really working on right now is setting up the complete loss of control by the Republicans in a year. Oh, and of course the fact that no one in government who affiliates with them can win a major election. The country, it would seem, is shifting to the left. When the center is considered the left, I guess we're all commies.
So sometime yesterday afternoon our new friend Ted Cruz started filibustering because he wants to use the government shutdown scare tactic to force defunding of Obamacare. Now, let's take this at face value. This is a very rich man getting very very upset because poor people might get healthcare. The gall, if they live long enough they might climb out of their holes. This is at the same time as the Republican party attempts to defund food stamps. Because you know, people who eat because they can't afford food are leaches. Look, we have emotional issues here. He just got done after 21 hours. When I read the news support it said Inhofe was supporting him. At first I thought "Why would he do that? Doesn't he realize none of his constituents want a government shutdown?" Then I realized that he is in the position that he will never lose his seat. The Democrats gave up on this state a long time ago. Most liberals move, I know I will if I get the chance.
Look, they aren't going to defund Obamacare. The funding is set aside already and the bill already passed. Obamacare hurts no one other than big insurance. I think what we are really working on right now is setting up the complete loss of control by the Republicans in a year. Oh, and of course the fact that no one in government who affiliates with them can win a major election. The country, it would seem, is shifting to the left. When the center is considered the left, I guess we're all commies.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Frustrating or disheartening spiritual themes.
*opens post then has to go tell dog to stop screaming so he can write*
I guess I'm not the only one who has trouble waiting.
So, I know usually I come back from God time full of strength and vigor, but at the moment I'm really cheesed off and I want to rant. Writing helps with that sometimes. It is such a stupid annoying thing being an idealist and serving God. Because one of God's major themes is waiting, another is humility, and still another is setting aside your pride. Yet the idealist in me lives on because God has use for it. He wants me holding on to his vision. I do not know why. I do not know why he tells me shit and then waits years to do anything about it. Some days I do not understand him at all.
Here is the trouble with where I'm at: I have taken some steps in faith and my mortal, young, human mind wants results. It wants assurance in results, and frankly God doesn't do that. I know, oh so well, that sometimes you do shit, and you give and you give and you give, and his reaction is "Good job, stay in that situation, you're good". I know that me giving and giving and giving to him DOES NOT mean he is obligated to do jack shit. It means I love him. Does he love me? Yes he does, but it's a tough love. It's not like you would love a car, or your house, it's how you would love a son. Sometimes you let him go through painful shit so he learns a thing or two. Sometimes you have him do stuff just because he's family and you don't do anything because a gift by definition is something given without expectation of reward. So yes, I have cast my faith on him, given him control over my finances, and here I am.
I just left a stressful situation that was sharpening me because it was awful. The great thing about it was I knew that one day I wouldn't be there and it would be better. I knew I was doing kingdom work. I knew that he would bless me for my faith in hardship. What am I to do now? I have lost my definition as that job. I was GOOD at it, and that gave me self esteem. I had a steady income stream, though it did not satisfy. Now, I have paid my bills. I have paid God his due in tithe. There is none left over for me. I cannot repair my house, I cannot do many things because to be faithful with my money I must pay my bills first. I'm waiting on God, and I've been waiting on him a long time.
My major complaint is that at the moment I don't feel tons of love for him. I appreciate his gifts, it is by his mercy I can pay my bills and I could leave that place. It is following his signs that got me here. So here I am, trying to stand on his word, struggling to stand. When the lord takes something from you it is much harder than when he gives to you. Usually he doesn't need to take, I give because it is a joy to give what I had planned to give. Yet sometimes it's like he wants to test our relationship. He says to me "Do you see this thing you treasure, my blessing to you and a place you have been able to faithfully serve and give to me? I ask you to lay it down, toss it away like a used tissue. You are done and you have learned all you can."
Not literally that I heard a voice, but that was the gist of the message. Of course I could have always misinterpreted, but I don't think I did. So I gave that to him as well. He has shown me where and what he will give me, but he holds it out away from me, making me wait. He tests my faith once again.
My life is good. I have a good house, good stuff to do, and a good car. I have a good dog, good food, and good entertainment. I have some good people in my life, some whom God has sent to take care of me, some for me to help. I know that if this was all God had for me it would be good and I would probably find a way to be content. Yet I desire more. Especially now that I laid out my sacrifices. I am frustrated that I cannot bring more time sacrifices to him. I am frustrated that I must sit and wait on his mercy. I am frustrated with his timing. I'm so tired of being young, and human, and poor. Are these not meant to be temporary conditions? How often I have heard old people say "It went by so fast." Bullshit. It's going by, especially now, at a snails pace. I wish that I might blink and years have flown by, however several of the last few years have been mini decades. I have learned more in 16 months on the mountain than I did in 7 years between 10-17. I definitely learned more in the last 3 years that I have been divorced than I did in the years between 15 and 22, another 7 years. I have wisdom yet where is the reward? I invest myself in him, and I see that itself as the only reward I have received. A greater relationship with him, one cannot weigh on the scales and determine worth. I know this to be true: A rich man could search for 10 years and not know God's redeeming love as I have seen it. However, a poor man cannot take this love to the bank and pay off his house with it, now can he? This world says it measures labor by wealth, but wealth of love or wealth of faith has what value in the face of these carnal problems?
All I know is that God will feed me today, he will give me peace, he will let me endure any hardship. Will I get out? I do not know, my only response is if it is the will of God then in his timing he will deliver. You cannot force his hand, you cannot jimmy his blessings open like a christmas gift the week before christmas. You can only follow his directions, love the Lord your God with all your strength. So I do. Love your neighbor as yourself, I continue working on that. A part of me wishes I could boast of the things I have done, or of those I have loved, but all I have done is allowed God to work in me.
I wish I could say I was deserving of any of this, but I'm not. I am a redeemed sinner, like any of you may be. I don't deserve more, I don't deserve any of this. Really, thinking about it, I deserve to die for my sins, yet what great travesty of justice I won't. God sent Jesus to die in my place. I feel so selfish asking for more, when such great gifts I have received.
I repeat and repeat what I said from the beginning about this vision he gave me. This is your plan God, yes I look on it and call it good. Yes I agree with you that it would be the fufillment of the desires of my heart. Nevertheless it remains your plan. If you choose to not let it come to pass for one hundred years, it would be so, and it would be good timing if that were so. If it happened tomorrow according to your will it would be good as well. If it is your desire that I not set foot in the promised land or see the plan fufilled that too would be good, because I would pass that plan to another if you wanted it so. If I die tomorrow and come home to you, if that were your will, it would be good because another would take up your cause. If I live 1,000 years and do many great things for you, that too would be good, if it is your will. Your plans are higher than my plans and your ways are higher than my ways.
I am just a servant of yours, thrilled to be yours and to be alive in this moment serving you. Surely you had meaning and plans when you gave me this vision, because you do nothing in vain. I will not doubt you, I will not leave you or deny you. You who preserved me through dark valleys, who blessed me through trials and tests. You are everything, and I will serve you. Please, give me understanding to your timing. Give me understanding of these trials and tests. Please Lord, accept my humble plea, if it is your will please lead me out of this season of lack and of want. Lead me into your abundance. I know that you will bless me even in the dry and scorched places, but Lord I desire to bless others, to be all I can be. I desire that my faith be manifested in your work.
Lord so many people tell me to give up, that I'm not special, or that you don't work that way. Don't you? Look, I know that I am just one of several billion humans on this planet. I know that I am just one of even more billions that have existed in time and space that you have known and loved. I don't desire this because of some sort of justification that I would be better than any of them. I know this is a challenging life I desire, to be a figurehead, to be abundantly blessed. I know that for a rich man to serve God is a hard thing. However it is still a thing that can be done. Money is just a tool that you use to take care of people, it is a potential blessing, but it is not an end unto itself. I tell you God that I have vowed to take no other Gods before you. If I should even attempt to I would hope that through our relationship you would lead me away. Let me give away all the money I have rather than let it lead me to sin. You are my source. Many things you have promised, and I believe you can deliver.
I'm just so annoyed and tired. I wish I could just end this agony. I wish I could see the day of the Lord in my timing. I wish I could make sense out of this waiting place. I know he wants to build faith in me, but that's what is so frightening. Faith enough for what? If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, what has the Lord called me to face? That I would have to endure 3 years of being completely alone in my waiting. Of no one understanding or seeing what God showed me? I mean, it just makes it SO hard not to doubt him. Or doubt myself. Maybe I heard wrong. I'm not perfect. Yet in faith I believe I heard him verify that this is his plan. *sigh*
I don't know a stinkin thing about anything right now. I guess I'll just wait on his answer, it's not like I have anywhere to go.
I guess I'm not the only one who has trouble waiting.
So, I know usually I come back from God time full of strength and vigor, but at the moment I'm really cheesed off and I want to rant. Writing helps with that sometimes. It is such a stupid annoying thing being an idealist and serving God. Because one of God's major themes is waiting, another is humility, and still another is setting aside your pride. Yet the idealist in me lives on because God has use for it. He wants me holding on to his vision. I do not know why. I do not know why he tells me shit and then waits years to do anything about it. Some days I do not understand him at all.
Here is the trouble with where I'm at: I have taken some steps in faith and my mortal, young, human mind wants results. It wants assurance in results, and frankly God doesn't do that. I know, oh so well, that sometimes you do shit, and you give and you give and you give, and his reaction is "Good job, stay in that situation, you're good". I know that me giving and giving and giving to him DOES NOT mean he is obligated to do jack shit. It means I love him. Does he love me? Yes he does, but it's a tough love. It's not like you would love a car, or your house, it's how you would love a son. Sometimes you let him go through painful shit so he learns a thing or two. Sometimes you have him do stuff just because he's family and you don't do anything because a gift by definition is something given without expectation of reward. So yes, I have cast my faith on him, given him control over my finances, and here I am.
I just left a stressful situation that was sharpening me because it was awful. The great thing about it was I knew that one day I wouldn't be there and it would be better. I knew I was doing kingdom work. I knew that he would bless me for my faith in hardship. What am I to do now? I have lost my definition as that job. I was GOOD at it, and that gave me self esteem. I had a steady income stream, though it did not satisfy. Now, I have paid my bills. I have paid God his due in tithe. There is none left over for me. I cannot repair my house, I cannot do many things because to be faithful with my money I must pay my bills first. I'm waiting on God, and I've been waiting on him a long time.
My major complaint is that at the moment I don't feel tons of love for him. I appreciate his gifts, it is by his mercy I can pay my bills and I could leave that place. It is following his signs that got me here. So here I am, trying to stand on his word, struggling to stand. When the lord takes something from you it is much harder than when he gives to you. Usually he doesn't need to take, I give because it is a joy to give what I had planned to give. Yet sometimes it's like he wants to test our relationship. He says to me "Do you see this thing you treasure, my blessing to you and a place you have been able to faithfully serve and give to me? I ask you to lay it down, toss it away like a used tissue. You are done and you have learned all you can."
Not literally that I heard a voice, but that was the gist of the message. Of course I could have always misinterpreted, but I don't think I did. So I gave that to him as well. He has shown me where and what he will give me, but he holds it out away from me, making me wait. He tests my faith once again.
My life is good. I have a good house, good stuff to do, and a good car. I have a good dog, good food, and good entertainment. I have some good people in my life, some whom God has sent to take care of me, some for me to help. I know that if this was all God had for me it would be good and I would probably find a way to be content. Yet I desire more. Especially now that I laid out my sacrifices. I am frustrated that I cannot bring more time sacrifices to him. I am frustrated that I must sit and wait on his mercy. I am frustrated with his timing. I'm so tired of being young, and human, and poor. Are these not meant to be temporary conditions? How often I have heard old people say "It went by so fast." Bullshit. It's going by, especially now, at a snails pace. I wish that I might blink and years have flown by, however several of the last few years have been mini decades. I have learned more in 16 months on the mountain than I did in 7 years between 10-17. I definitely learned more in the last 3 years that I have been divorced than I did in the years between 15 and 22, another 7 years. I have wisdom yet where is the reward? I invest myself in him, and I see that itself as the only reward I have received. A greater relationship with him, one cannot weigh on the scales and determine worth. I know this to be true: A rich man could search for 10 years and not know God's redeeming love as I have seen it. However, a poor man cannot take this love to the bank and pay off his house with it, now can he? This world says it measures labor by wealth, but wealth of love or wealth of faith has what value in the face of these carnal problems?
All I know is that God will feed me today, he will give me peace, he will let me endure any hardship. Will I get out? I do not know, my only response is if it is the will of God then in his timing he will deliver. You cannot force his hand, you cannot jimmy his blessings open like a christmas gift the week before christmas. You can only follow his directions, love the Lord your God with all your strength. So I do. Love your neighbor as yourself, I continue working on that. A part of me wishes I could boast of the things I have done, or of those I have loved, but all I have done is allowed God to work in me.
I wish I could say I was deserving of any of this, but I'm not. I am a redeemed sinner, like any of you may be. I don't deserve more, I don't deserve any of this. Really, thinking about it, I deserve to die for my sins, yet what great travesty of justice I won't. God sent Jesus to die in my place. I feel so selfish asking for more, when such great gifts I have received.
I repeat and repeat what I said from the beginning about this vision he gave me. This is your plan God, yes I look on it and call it good. Yes I agree with you that it would be the fufillment of the desires of my heart. Nevertheless it remains your plan. If you choose to not let it come to pass for one hundred years, it would be so, and it would be good timing if that were so. If it happened tomorrow according to your will it would be good as well. If it is your desire that I not set foot in the promised land or see the plan fufilled that too would be good, because I would pass that plan to another if you wanted it so. If I die tomorrow and come home to you, if that were your will, it would be good because another would take up your cause. If I live 1,000 years and do many great things for you, that too would be good, if it is your will. Your plans are higher than my plans and your ways are higher than my ways.
I am just a servant of yours, thrilled to be yours and to be alive in this moment serving you. Surely you had meaning and plans when you gave me this vision, because you do nothing in vain. I will not doubt you, I will not leave you or deny you. You who preserved me through dark valleys, who blessed me through trials and tests. You are everything, and I will serve you. Please, give me understanding to your timing. Give me understanding of these trials and tests. Please Lord, accept my humble plea, if it is your will please lead me out of this season of lack and of want. Lead me into your abundance. I know that you will bless me even in the dry and scorched places, but Lord I desire to bless others, to be all I can be. I desire that my faith be manifested in your work.
Lord so many people tell me to give up, that I'm not special, or that you don't work that way. Don't you? Look, I know that I am just one of several billion humans on this planet. I know that I am just one of even more billions that have existed in time and space that you have known and loved. I don't desire this because of some sort of justification that I would be better than any of them. I know this is a challenging life I desire, to be a figurehead, to be abundantly blessed. I know that for a rich man to serve God is a hard thing. However it is still a thing that can be done. Money is just a tool that you use to take care of people, it is a potential blessing, but it is not an end unto itself. I tell you God that I have vowed to take no other Gods before you. If I should even attempt to I would hope that through our relationship you would lead me away. Let me give away all the money I have rather than let it lead me to sin. You are my source. Many things you have promised, and I believe you can deliver.
I'm just so annoyed and tired. I wish I could just end this agony. I wish I could see the day of the Lord in my timing. I wish I could make sense out of this waiting place. I know he wants to build faith in me, but that's what is so frightening. Faith enough for what? If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, what has the Lord called me to face? That I would have to endure 3 years of being completely alone in my waiting. Of no one understanding or seeing what God showed me? I mean, it just makes it SO hard not to doubt him. Or doubt myself. Maybe I heard wrong. I'm not perfect. Yet in faith I believe I heard him verify that this is his plan. *sigh*
I don't know a stinkin thing about anything right now. I guess I'll just wait on his answer, it's not like I have anywhere to go.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Lust and God (or how I am dealing with my human desires)
The following is a way you might interpret lust. I know that everyone may not agree, but my sex life does not exist to please you. In fact it is like many things a gift from God that I enjoy while I am on this earth.
Do as you will, this is just how I'm dealing with crap.
So I've been reading Job lately, almost through. I desire that God would make me like Job, that nothing would tear me from him. However I am still a human being, I know that at times I do sinful things. So I came across this verse, and the verse said (paraphrasing) "I made a covenant with my eyes to not look at another woman in lust."
Alarm bells started going off. This is the oft touted scripture used to justify not looking at "dirty movies, pictures and books". Well if you know me you know I think that approach is not a loving approach. I think your personal life is between you and God. Of course if you are married you have obligations to your wife to live up to as well. I am not married. I double checked and as our split was due to infidelity on her part I am cleared of guilt. I could remarry, God has yet to bring me someone that I feel truly challenges me and makes me want to be a better man.
Which brings us to a point. First point, for those counting, is that I am not married and may never be so. Therefore how can I commit adultery?
The legalese I have heard is that since I may one day marry and if I look on a woman, or am with a woman in lust I am committing great sin against my future wife.That may very well be so. However I'm pretty sure my vows will say I will love honor and cherish her "from this day forward". I do not plan to have retroactive marriage vows. I'm not particularly jazzed about belonging to someone other than God. If I do get into that sort of commitment with God as my adviser he will help me to be smart about it. He will give me wisdom.
Point two:
Christ says in Matthew 5 "27"You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; 28but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29"If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.…"
So this is an intense verse. It almost sounds like Jesus is saying to never look at a woman at all. Both the verses I discussed made me have to look up what lust means. Our society misuses words on a daily basis so I needed to know.
Lust is desired by some as a strong desire. But the definition that clicked with my heart was that lust is any desire that we put before God and the commitments we make to him. So if you look at a woman and it causes you to yearn to cheat on your wife (breaking a vow to God), or to stray from his path or his word, well then yes God will get upset.
One thing I know from a relationship with him is that he hates idolatry. He does not make us to be two faced. If you look on a woman and desire to sin with her then yes, you have committed a sin. If you look at a man and desire to kill him you have also sinned, does the book not say?
But if you look at any wonderful thing and say this "That is a wonderful thing. I'm glad God has created wonderful things. Someday if he is graceful enough to give me that thing or something like it I think that would be pretty grand." Where is the sin? If you do all things as unto God is he not good to guide you not to sin?
Now I may be justifying, and I have begged God to make my eyes clear on the matter. But I have not sinned against a wife I do not have. Because if I marry again it will be for love and she will help me as God does. God will send her as a guide to my stumbling feet and my weak flesh, and I to hers. God does not begrudge me having my daydreams. He doesn't even at least at present mind me using pictures to make those dreams more real. He desires my heart and he has it. Though I find those women beautiful and I would be filled with joy to love such a woman, I don't plan adultery with them. In the same manner when I watch a violent movie I don't plan or desire to murder anyone. I understand that it's a story. Christ was a storyteller and at times to make a point he'd kill off the protagonist or someone in the story. However Christ did not sin. I write stories as well, but it is not my desire to live them, it is my desire to tell them.
God is generous and he alone can judge. I know that what I just said will be picked apart by biblical scholars. But look, call what something is what it is. Envy and greed are sinful, yet we allow them to run rampant and wild through our society. When greed is kept in check by men who put gratitude and love before the desire for earthly things we may at last try and crack down on other forms of envy. However until you attack the sinful money worship with the same fervor that you attack sex, you attack the symptom but not the disease. Our wives are gifts from God. All gifts from God are good, and God is happy that we see it is good. But he does not want us worshiping the gifts. Don't worship your wife or any other woman. They are your gift from God, but they cannot save your soul. If you confide in the Lord and seek him first his promises are steadfast.
I hope that I have found wisdom, but even wisdom when found is a gift from God. He can tear it from you if you don't know the source. Any "God" other than the one whom you can have a personal relationship with is a false God. I challenge you if you talked to your money, asked it to grant you love, or security, or peace, would it answer you? Look at history, is money a steadfast assurance of success? Or are there greater powers on this earth than the feeble creations of man.
Do as you will, this is just how I'm dealing with crap.
So I've been reading Job lately, almost through. I desire that God would make me like Job, that nothing would tear me from him. However I am still a human being, I know that at times I do sinful things. So I came across this verse, and the verse said (paraphrasing) "I made a covenant with my eyes to not look at another woman in lust."
Alarm bells started going off. This is the oft touted scripture used to justify not looking at "dirty movies, pictures and books". Well if you know me you know I think that approach is not a loving approach. I think your personal life is between you and God. Of course if you are married you have obligations to your wife to live up to as well. I am not married. I double checked and as our split was due to infidelity on her part I am cleared of guilt. I could remarry, God has yet to bring me someone that I feel truly challenges me and makes me want to be a better man.
Which brings us to a point. First point, for those counting, is that I am not married and may never be so. Therefore how can I commit adultery?
The legalese I have heard is that since I may one day marry and if I look on a woman, or am with a woman in lust I am committing great sin against my future wife.That may very well be so. However I'm pretty sure my vows will say I will love honor and cherish her "from this day forward". I do not plan to have retroactive marriage vows. I'm not particularly jazzed about belonging to someone other than God. If I do get into that sort of commitment with God as my adviser he will help me to be smart about it. He will give me wisdom.
Point two:
Christ says in Matthew 5 "27"You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; 28but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29"If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.…"
So this is an intense verse. It almost sounds like Jesus is saying to never look at a woman at all. Both the verses I discussed made me have to look up what lust means. Our society misuses words on a daily basis so I needed to know.
Lust is desired by some as a strong desire. But the definition that clicked with my heart was that lust is any desire that we put before God and the commitments we make to him. So if you look at a woman and it causes you to yearn to cheat on your wife (breaking a vow to God), or to stray from his path or his word, well then yes God will get upset.
One thing I know from a relationship with him is that he hates idolatry. He does not make us to be two faced. If you look on a woman and desire to sin with her then yes, you have committed a sin. If you look at a man and desire to kill him you have also sinned, does the book not say?
But if you look at any wonderful thing and say this "That is a wonderful thing. I'm glad God has created wonderful things. Someday if he is graceful enough to give me that thing or something like it I think that would be pretty grand." Where is the sin? If you do all things as unto God is he not good to guide you not to sin?
Now I may be justifying, and I have begged God to make my eyes clear on the matter. But I have not sinned against a wife I do not have. Because if I marry again it will be for love and she will help me as God does. God will send her as a guide to my stumbling feet and my weak flesh, and I to hers. God does not begrudge me having my daydreams. He doesn't even at least at present mind me using pictures to make those dreams more real. He desires my heart and he has it. Though I find those women beautiful and I would be filled with joy to love such a woman, I don't plan adultery with them. In the same manner when I watch a violent movie I don't plan or desire to murder anyone. I understand that it's a story. Christ was a storyteller and at times to make a point he'd kill off the protagonist or someone in the story. However Christ did not sin. I write stories as well, but it is not my desire to live them, it is my desire to tell them.
God is generous and he alone can judge. I know that what I just said will be picked apart by biblical scholars. But look, call what something is what it is. Envy and greed are sinful, yet we allow them to run rampant and wild through our society. When greed is kept in check by men who put gratitude and love before the desire for earthly things we may at last try and crack down on other forms of envy. However until you attack the sinful money worship with the same fervor that you attack sex, you attack the symptom but not the disease. Our wives are gifts from God. All gifts from God are good, and God is happy that we see it is good. But he does not want us worshiping the gifts. Don't worship your wife or any other woman. They are your gift from God, but they cannot save your soul. If you confide in the Lord and seek him first his promises are steadfast.
I hope that I have found wisdom, but even wisdom when found is a gift from God. He can tear it from you if you don't know the source. Any "God" other than the one whom you can have a personal relationship with is a false God. I challenge you if you talked to your money, asked it to grant you love, or security, or peace, would it answer you? Look at history, is money a steadfast assurance of success? Or are there greater powers on this earth than the feeble creations of man.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Battle
So I had to do a complex work around, and it's still not clickable in preview.... let's hope the final product is better.
What I really want to talk about is that I made a stand today.
Today I stood against the idea that someone else owns me. Now, how is this a controversial stand? Do I not live in America, is there not a bill of rights that clearly states I am in ownership of certain freedoms? Wasn't the whole concept, in fact, of the revolution to overthrow tyranny?
You'd be right on all those counts. However, since the dawn of our country many persons and organizations have tried hard to get rid of the rights of the people. Many of the rights we have we are uneducated or misinformed about the truth about. If you ever encounter someone who owns you, first of all you must know they are wrong.
No one can own you without your permission. End of story. "What about slavery?" Terms and conditions people. They may enslave your body but your mind is free. Furthermore proper slavery is really illegal in this country. However we did invent something close to as nasty. Would you like to hear about it? It's called at will employment.
The concept behind at will employment is that you are working at your own will, and under limited conditions. This means you have no contract. It makes hiring and firing people go much quicker and it's part of what makes the modern corporation in America SO successful. So, if for example you decide you want to walk out of your employer right away, you can. If, in addition, your employer wants to fire you for no reason other than they do not like you, they can do that too!
Are you starting to see? No, we need to go down the logical path a bit more. Now, suppose you worked at a company that owns a drill factory. Your job is that you are the person that checks that the machines are working correctly, nothing going wrong, and that they aren't spitting out too many defective drill parts. Defective drill parts cost the company money for something that they cannot recoup, so that makes your job important, doesn't it?
You'd like to think that. However, your company believes that instead of putting people over people and letting people run the show, they are going to create policy and let the policy run the show. The people are just meat puppets for the policy. Remember, again, this is an at will employment environment. You as the worker have no voice or rights about policy changes.
Are you ready for our story to have some fun? I am.
So, one day you fall on the job and hit your head. You stand back up and feel kind of dizzy. Now your job is not one that can be safely performed while dizzy. So you go tell your boss.
Your boss blows his lid. How dare you! Don't you know how lucky you are to have a job? Don't you know how much we paid to train you? Don't you understand that if you go home sick it will cost the company money? Don't you understand that your human failings will reflect badly on your boss?
Because remember, a company is a machine to make money by selling products or services. It is not a machine to take care of it's employees, or even to make sure that it makes good products or services. Those are not things that such a machine can think about.
So your boss, and I think you should feel really sorry for the guy, has been forced to be a voice for the machine. He is forced to tell you why it's not good for the company that you are a person. He may even say something along the lines of that there will be consequences for your human error. Or that you might even lose your job. This is him trying to force you into working when you are injured. You want to know the best part, at least if we think about it from your bosses point of view? If he manages to talk you into working while injured and you don't get further injured and nothing happens to you for which you could file suit, he gets away with the verbal and emotional abuse. In fact it helps his career.
What's more if he manages to bully you enough, you'll forget that you even have human rights. The company owns you because you depend on them for a paycheck. You have LET them own you. YOU have sold yourself into slavery. Because if you allow yourself to be the subject of abuse, and you allow inhuman conditions because you are scared of them, you have become a silent partner to the human rights abuses in the right to work system.
Now, after he gets done verbally abusing you, there are two things you can do, and either will take ALL the power away from him. One thing you can do is quit. If your services are marketable, and you are in an uncomfortable situation you are fully within your rights to that moment say that you are ending your employment with the drill company and walk off. Another thing to do is to do what is right regardless and see what he will do to you. This is a relative of what I did ( I'm not going into details because it's not time). If he becomes abusive again, you can look him in the eye, say "I'm going to do what I did last time, the right thing, regardless of whatever you are going to do to me." He's just an employer. He's only your boss. He's not God, he's not the government, he doesn't own the mortgage on your house. He's not your wife, not your family, and you literally owe him nothing.
No man can own you. The problem with us is that too often we walk into handcuffs wrists out eager to be locked away with an uncontrollable monster. That monster is greed. I would rather almost anything than be enslaved.
Money doesn't own you either. You own your things, they don't own you. You can walk out on your things and live a perfectly healthy and happy life. If you put your love and faith and devotion in something that does not fade away, that won't betray you and that will never forget your needs and rights, then there is nothing these fake gods can do to hurt you. You are free. Today, this very moment. You just need to declare your independence.
Oh, and one more thing, about working at will:
Unless you are part of a stock option or shared ownership plan, the only interest you share in them keeping their business going is that you have a job. When you stop wanting or needing that job, you have no interest in what THEY do to lose the company money. You have no fault and share no guilt because you did not create the circumstances that are losing them money. You didn't build the building, you didn't start the business with just a few employees and a dream. You are work for hire. Nothing more. You do work in direct relation to the compensation you receive. If you are underpaid then quit. If you are mistreated, find somewhere or something that treats you better. No one deserves to live with something that hurts them, or undervalues them.
When you are attacked and put down you are being devalued. When you are strained past what is reasonable to expect, you are being devalued. When you are spoken to as if you are not free to have a mind of your own, you are being devalued. If your self esteem is lowered because people around you are telling you that you deserve this treatment, you are being lied to. No one deserves to be abused, and there is no amount of money or security that can make me be subject to it or dish it out.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
greed
So, oh I have so many things to say, and such a limited time, space, and energy to express them.
My uncle died, and I'm going through tons of emotional shit, and I am pretty much entirely alone just me and God dealing together with this BS world.
BS means bullshit when I say it, not Bachelor of Science..... Quirky I know.
So I'm dealing with the concept of greed this week. I am actually almost always coming to terms with my own greed, as well as the greed of others. The secular world(and in fact most of the religious world) is so complacent about greed that it never diagnoses it as the source of a problem.
EXAMPLE:
War, war is about greed. Greed says that those with the means to reach for power should get it, provided the ends justify the means. What people don't want to say is that when you're drunk on greed the ends always justify the means. So what if 100,000 people have to die, you get your power, right? So what if you endanger the lives of children, force families into poverty, cause long lasting damage, so what if you get your power. It says it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
I mean I could be talking about a number of things I know are wrong with the world. I could be talking about capitalism as it stands in America. I could be talking about foreign policy. I could be talking about domestic policy. The fact is that currently it looks like greed and greedy people are running the show. But let me tell you something, they don't. If you don't succumb to greed, and focus on self preservation, love and kindness they can't run you. Christ taught this back in Rome. The only freedom from slavery is if you don't buy into the system. You aren't a slave so long as you hold on to your human rights and stand up for the downtrodden. They don't know what to do with that.
The thing is that as long as you are breathing, thinking, and living, there are things they can't control any more than you could. They do not know what is coming around the corner. Regimes change overnight. Rome fell and petty dictators die. This is a fact. Every summer comes to an end into fall and winter. Ever winter comes to an end and warmth and spring follow.
Fear is all any evil person really has. Fear usually has some backing, but those with greed are further weakened by their quest for more power. They don't WANT you to fight them. You don't even ever have to take an aggressive action, you just take an assertive stance. You know the difference? An aggressive person says "How dare you treat me this way, I'll make you pay for that." This is petty and childish.
An assertive person says "The way your treating me is unacceptable. You can fix it, or there will be consequences. I will not let you control my emotions however."
When someone forces you to say that they aren't your friend. They are at best a neutral party to your life and at worst an enemy. The rest of the world says kill your enemies. I say love them. Tell them you understand they are hurt, or frustrated. Tell them that while you understand that, you had no involvement in making them that way. In fact, you want them to make the decision they feel is right for THEM. It'll change their worldview. "Wait, you don't want to hurt me for all the hurt I've caused you? But I had prepared for you to accuse me, instead you've forgiven me? I don't know how to respond. I certainly can't hurt you now without looking really bad."
People who are greedy are self focused. I know, I am a greedy person. However my greed is channeled into being all that God has made me to be. My greed says my treasure is in heaven.
Look into yourself, see a human just like them. Comfort that human, console that human. Give that human your kindness and compassion. No matter what they do from there, you have loved your neighbor.
The world is changing. Greed will not continue to win forever, in fact the Bible says that the riches the greedy have amassed will be handed over to the righteous.
My uncle died, and I'm going through tons of emotional shit, and I am pretty much entirely alone just me and God dealing together with this BS world.
BS means bullshit when I say it, not Bachelor of Science..... Quirky I know.
So I'm dealing with the concept of greed this week. I am actually almost always coming to terms with my own greed, as well as the greed of others. The secular world(and in fact most of the religious world) is so complacent about greed that it never diagnoses it as the source of a problem.
EXAMPLE:
War, war is about greed. Greed says that those with the means to reach for power should get it, provided the ends justify the means. What people don't want to say is that when you're drunk on greed the ends always justify the means. So what if 100,000 people have to die, you get your power, right? So what if you endanger the lives of children, force families into poverty, cause long lasting damage, so what if you get your power. It says it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
I mean I could be talking about a number of things I know are wrong with the world. I could be talking about capitalism as it stands in America. I could be talking about foreign policy. I could be talking about domestic policy. The fact is that currently it looks like greed and greedy people are running the show. But let me tell you something, they don't. If you don't succumb to greed, and focus on self preservation, love and kindness they can't run you. Christ taught this back in Rome. The only freedom from slavery is if you don't buy into the system. You aren't a slave so long as you hold on to your human rights and stand up for the downtrodden. They don't know what to do with that.
The thing is that as long as you are breathing, thinking, and living, there are things they can't control any more than you could. They do not know what is coming around the corner. Regimes change overnight. Rome fell and petty dictators die. This is a fact. Every summer comes to an end into fall and winter. Ever winter comes to an end and warmth and spring follow.
Fear is all any evil person really has. Fear usually has some backing, but those with greed are further weakened by their quest for more power. They don't WANT you to fight them. You don't even ever have to take an aggressive action, you just take an assertive stance. You know the difference? An aggressive person says "How dare you treat me this way, I'll make you pay for that." This is petty and childish.
An assertive person says "The way your treating me is unacceptable. You can fix it, or there will be consequences. I will not let you control my emotions however."
When someone forces you to say that they aren't your friend. They are at best a neutral party to your life and at worst an enemy. The rest of the world says kill your enemies. I say love them. Tell them you understand they are hurt, or frustrated. Tell them that while you understand that, you had no involvement in making them that way. In fact, you want them to make the decision they feel is right for THEM. It'll change their worldview. "Wait, you don't want to hurt me for all the hurt I've caused you? But I had prepared for you to accuse me, instead you've forgiven me? I don't know how to respond. I certainly can't hurt you now without looking really bad."
People who are greedy are self focused. I know, I am a greedy person. However my greed is channeled into being all that God has made me to be. My greed says my treasure is in heaven.
Look into yourself, see a human just like them. Comfort that human, console that human. Give that human your kindness and compassion. No matter what they do from there, you have loved your neighbor.
The world is changing. Greed will not continue to win forever, in fact the Bible says that the riches the greedy have amassed will be handed over to the righteous.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Nice guys
This started as a convo on Tumblr, and it's pretty good, I'll try and sort out what I wrote and what they wrote, here's how they started it:
radicalmuscle answered:
Yeah actually.
So I have a huge problem with the “nice guy” category of men as they’re the ones who ALWAYS complain about not having a girlfriend. They’re the type who think that girls only go for douchebags and who also think that being nice entitles them to romance. I don’t know how, but men have warped the general concept of benevolence into some sort of quid pro quo thing. They think that giving a girl one simple compliment is deserving of a date or some attention and they get angry when they don’t get that attention. That’s when they start to be dicks and will just disrespect women which makes it even harder to get a mate. And then they have the gall to blame women for their own situation.
Basically, most men treat women like objects that were put on this earth to satisfy their sexual desires instead of treating them like humans.
There are many things to blame for this behaviour, such as male privilege, the portrayal of men and women in most media, and other things. But my opinion as a human male is that the biggest problem seems to be that men don’t see themselves as the problem.
jiutrampdo:
Guys who call themselves nice guys, but complain about who women date usually aren’t nice guys.
If the women are dating so called bad guys, so what, find other women. What they mean to say though, is that they want easy women but haven’t got the skills to attract them. The bad guys are the ones who put some excitement into life,
A lot of these so called nice guys will then start to look to date outside of their race because they then get a problem with women in that race and see women outside of their race as easier.
Fuck them guys.
This is where I come in:
Response from a former “nice guy”
Look, we all want companionship, and being nice is something we are taught women like. They do, after a fashion, but it’s just one part of the puzzle. First of all every woman has different desires based on what they want out of a man. Second, women want a man with confidence. So called “bad guys” have confidence to be a jerk and that is by itself attractive. I’m reasonably sure that women are just as upset about us men dating shallow girls who are total jerks as well. Usually they call them bitches. Now we men can say that’s girls just being catty, or jealous, but if you have been told by more than 3 people that your girl is a bitch, or is “using” you, just get out.
Now back to nice guys. Sometimes nice guys are passive, meaning they don’t stand up for themselves, or take action first. They wait for someone else to do things for them. This leads their romantic partner to feel like they are “parenting” their boyfriend. No emotionally healthy woman is into this. Supporting you? Yes, after a reasonable time period mutual support is acceptable. When you go out with a woman for the first time you are showing her you are a capable mate. On an evolutionary level let’s go down the date checklist:
1. Look good: Wear something that you feel like makes you look nice. A nice jeans and T-shirt works around here, but if you really want a bang go with designer jeans and a button up shirt. Whatever you wear make sure it is cleaned/pressed and doesn’t look like you picked it up off your floor. Smelling good is a major turn on guys, never go out smelling bad!
2. Exude confidence: Show her who you are. If you’re a geek be the geek and try and use some of the broader geek humor (everyone has seen Star Wars). If you are a man of faith share that. If you play an instrument, a sport, anything that shows that you get out of the house and develop a talent. NEVER say anything that says to her that you are: Homeless, Jobless, Hopeless, or Afraid. Even if you ARE, she wants to know you can cope internally in the short run. If you screw up make a joke of it. Think of a date like an opening night performance, it’s going to be a little awkward, but the show must go on.
3. Listen: Listen to her. Ask her questions about her. Really the fact is that the more conversation revolves around her the more things work well for you. If you never reveal anything about yourself on a first date, the worst it could be is that she isn’t interested (in which case you didn’t get vulnerable to someone who doesn’t care, go you). At best you come off as confident and interested. Now don’t grill her. Just get to know the lady. This is your time to figure her out. Is she a good fit for you? If not, well better luck next time.
You have to kiss alot of frogs if you want the best, any attractive woman will tell you that. Also, sometimes, for no reason at all you won’t be able to find an attractive woman for months at a time. Just hunker down and enjoy your hobbies because dry spells are pretty much worthless for dating.
radicalmuscle answered:
Yeah actually.
So I have a huge problem with the “nice guy” category of men as they’re the ones who ALWAYS complain about not having a girlfriend. They’re the type who think that girls only go for douchebags and who also think that being nice entitles them to romance. I don’t know how, but men have warped the general concept of benevolence into some sort of quid pro quo thing. They think that giving a girl one simple compliment is deserving of a date or some attention and they get angry when they don’t get that attention. That’s when they start to be dicks and will just disrespect women which makes it even harder to get a mate. And then they have the gall to blame women for their own situation.
Basically, most men treat women like objects that were put on this earth to satisfy their sexual desires instead of treating them like humans.
There are many things to blame for this behaviour, such as male privilege, the portrayal of men and women in most media, and other things. But my opinion as a human male is that the biggest problem seems to be that men don’t see themselves as the problem.
jiutrampdo:
Guys who call themselves nice guys, but complain about who women date usually aren’t nice guys.
If the women are dating so called bad guys, so what, find other women. What they mean to say though, is that they want easy women but haven’t got the skills to attract them. The bad guys are the ones who put some excitement into life,
A lot of these so called nice guys will then start to look to date outside of their race because they then get a problem with women in that race and see women outside of their race as easier.
Fuck them guys.
This is where I come in:
Response from a former “nice guy”
Look, we all want companionship, and being nice is something we are taught women like. They do, after a fashion, but it’s just one part of the puzzle. First of all every woman has different desires based on what they want out of a man. Second, women want a man with confidence. So called “bad guys” have confidence to be a jerk and that is by itself attractive. I’m reasonably sure that women are just as upset about us men dating shallow girls who are total jerks as well. Usually they call them bitches. Now we men can say that’s girls just being catty, or jealous, but if you have been told by more than 3 people that your girl is a bitch, or is “using” you, just get out.
Now back to nice guys. Sometimes nice guys are passive, meaning they don’t stand up for themselves, or take action first. They wait for someone else to do things for them. This leads their romantic partner to feel like they are “parenting” their boyfriend. No emotionally healthy woman is into this. Supporting you? Yes, after a reasonable time period mutual support is acceptable. When you go out with a woman for the first time you are showing her you are a capable mate. On an evolutionary level let’s go down the date checklist:
1. Look good: Wear something that you feel like makes you look nice. A nice jeans and T-shirt works around here, but if you really want a bang go with designer jeans and a button up shirt. Whatever you wear make sure it is cleaned/pressed and doesn’t look like you picked it up off your floor. Smelling good is a major turn on guys, never go out smelling bad!
2. Exude confidence: Show her who you are. If you’re a geek be the geek and try and use some of the broader geek humor (everyone has seen Star Wars). If you are a man of faith share that. If you play an instrument, a sport, anything that shows that you get out of the house and develop a talent. NEVER say anything that says to her that you are: Homeless, Jobless, Hopeless, or Afraid. Even if you ARE, she wants to know you can cope internally in the short run. If you screw up make a joke of it. Think of a date like an opening night performance, it’s going to be a little awkward, but the show must go on.
3. Listen: Listen to her. Ask her questions about her. Really the fact is that the more conversation revolves around her the more things work well for you. If you never reveal anything about yourself on a first date, the worst it could be is that she isn’t interested (in which case you didn’t get vulnerable to someone who doesn’t care, go you). At best you come off as confident and interested. Now don’t grill her. Just get to know the lady. This is your time to figure her out. Is she a good fit for you? If not, well better luck next time.
You have to kiss alot of frogs if you want the best, any attractive woman will tell you that. Also, sometimes, for no reason at all you won’t be able to find an attractive woman for months at a time. Just hunker down and enjoy your hobbies because dry spells are pretty much worthless for dating.
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Now I realize after reading this I never explained how often nice guys are under confident and desperately seeking female approval. Instead I went straight on instructing on how not to be a total pig on a date. The point I'm making is that if you work on yourself enough being a nice man DOES pay off. You just need some assertiveness.
Now I realize after reading this I never explained how often nice guys are under confident and desperately seeking female approval. Instead I went straight on instructing on how not to be a total pig on a date. The point I'm making is that if you work on yourself enough being a nice man DOES pay off. You just need some assertiveness.
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So embed doesn't work anymore, there goes one of the most fun parts of my blog.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
waking up
Though the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes in the morning- Psalms
I assume the Psalmist isn't being literal, this morning I feel like boiled crap. I felt..... so so waking up...... then I started singing...... I started playing with Tumblr......... I enjoy it because there are beautiful women, workout motivation pics, and sometimes this one blogger says horribly depressing shit........ and that's all great...... but I live in a sexless void where dreaming is the best it gets. Could I get laid? Oh sure..... and deal with that mess again..... I could have sex/make love with my girlfriend...... who knows what that would do..... well, I've theorized it would make her more attached..... which I can't handle right now.
Where are you today God?
When will I be truly free?
I need to quit this fucking job.
*sigh* I'm going to go pump some weight.
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Right, so embed codes don't want to work today.... here is the link.... and here is the lyric that keeps making me cry......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebtqoKHyHzk
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
frustration rant
So, I know it doesn't matter to anyone, well apart from God and heaven knows what his perspective is on such things, but I am so FRUSTRATED and angry at my life.
It's just, it would be enough if I just had to deal with the stupid job that I have to do because God called me to it for this season. You know, the verbal abuse, the hours, the just overall suckage of working there. Yes I know suckage isn't a word. Tis now.
Then there is school. Which doesn't outright suck, it's just draining. I get so tired of being not good enough, or struggling with simple logistics. Like today, I couldn't make it to school because of a MASSIVE panic attack.... which is caused by working for a tyrant............
It's just the unending nature of the suffering. I've lifted it up to God and even now I do so...... .but I feel nothing but misery about the whole thing. If he would let me die I'd take him up on that because it seems that is the best anyone else has planned for me. 12 more years I have to deal with the world as it is right now....... *sigh* I just..... wish God would do something.....
it's just so annoying, I feel like I have to do all the work in this stupid relationship. I'm the one that has to endure day after day working for these abusive people. I'm the one that actually reaches out and is kind to the children. I must forgive those that hurt me constantly....... I spend so much of my energy listening to God, trying to follow him. He gave me this huge stupid vision to change the world..... and where are the resources? Why would he call me to these things and leave me in slavery and misery? God only knows...... I'm sure he has some sort of plan........ I just wish the agony would end.
It's just, it would be enough if I just had to deal with the stupid job that I have to do because God called me to it for this season. You know, the verbal abuse, the hours, the just overall suckage of working there. Yes I know suckage isn't a word. Tis now.
Then there is school. Which doesn't outright suck, it's just draining. I get so tired of being not good enough, or struggling with simple logistics. Like today, I couldn't make it to school because of a MASSIVE panic attack.... which is caused by working for a tyrant............
It's just the unending nature of the suffering. I've lifted it up to God and even now I do so...... .but I feel nothing but misery about the whole thing. If he would let me die I'd take him up on that because it seems that is the best anyone else has planned for me. 12 more years I have to deal with the world as it is right now....... *sigh* I just..... wish God would do something.....
it's just so annoying, I feel like I have to do all the work in this stupid relationship. I'm the one that has to endure day after day working for these abusive people. I'm the one that actually reaches out and is kind to the children. I must forgive those that hurt me constantly....... I spend so much of my energy listening to God, trying to follow him. He gave me this huge stupid vision to change the world..... and where are the resources? Why would he call me to these things and leave me in slavery and misery? God only knows...... I'm sure he has some sort of plan........ I just wish the agony would end.
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