Yet here I am

It's time to come to terms with that I'm losing...... got rejected for a job I wanted, constantly seeking health and not coming close..... I guess I just.... had faith for more.

I thought God would be here with me. I thought that all the pain I was going through was going to pay off, that He would take care of me, take me out of obscure suffering and into a place of.... I don't know. The thing is that having faith is all about trusting God to have a better plan, trying to let go of self focus..... I know that I'm not doing very well at letting go of self focus right now..... The pain is just worse than it has been recently.... I had been detaching from the mess my life is.

Apart from whatever hope remains that God isn't done with me.... I have nothing to look forward to. If I had a gun right now I would end it. It's not about self pity, or even depression, it's just being done. He is so far from me, so vacant in my life. I am aware I'm not seeking him lately. What am I supposed to do? I sleep more than I'm awake, and honestly when I'm awake I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'm looking for work, playing games, eating and smoking. I didn't stop having faith, I just have begun to lose hope.

My best hope is that I'm totally wrong. How I long to be wrong about what the world is. He may yet redeem this mess he's led me into. I will admit it is less of a miracle than what I know he already has done. How long I cry into the night, screaming at the abyss. Next to being wrong, the abyss of nothingness is the next best option. That being my overall impression that beyond the surface of mental and physical activity there is a great void. When I cease to breath I could embrace it, itl yet be as if I had never lived. There is no proof of life after death, apart from the word of the church and the general hints from God through scripture. God's never personally talked to me about it, though I think that has equal amounts to do with how he knows I long for death. He doesn't need to make it more appealing. Afterlife or not, I'm approaching death at maximum speed.

I just have a need, a need I really needed God to fill. That need is for hope, a future. I need somewhere to go. I'm on a long journey with no destination, apart from death. I'm fully aware that it's not a physical need to be psychologically complete. Plenty of people function without a higher destiny. I keep feeling like people around me are telling me that is the path to peace. I've tried so hard to go that way. I tried so hard to be happy at Heath. I actually succeeded more than I thought I would, to the point that I miss it now.

I need more. I need what only a power greater than me can provide. *sigh* Worse yet is that if tomorrow I were to ask for help from my family, we'd go find a therapist (or one I've already met).... and we'd start the same set of talks. The therapist asks me to describe my feelings. Then I describe them. They propose a different way of looking at life that amounts to basic focus on what is good. Eventually I relent, because I so badly want to believe that will be enough, and they say I'm nice and healthy. I am good at giving others what they want from me. I'm just not good at providing for myself. Christianity seems to imply that I'm not supposed to be good at filling my own needs.... Yet I have searched for God, I have asked for what I am missing. He has yet to provide that. Maybe he can provide oblivion, if life and completion aren't in his plan.

realization

So I was writing for tumblr (http://cynicalviking.tumblr.com/)
Then I realized that for the past.... I don't know... two or three years, I've been trying to prepare for another death.
This pretty much sums up the Max approach to pain: Ow, that hurt. How can I make sure it never hurts again, and if it does I'm prepped.
Blame the Boy Scout in me, because when I see something terrible I start working on insulating myself from it. Divorce and depression are amazingly hard to insulate against. When I was 22 (2010) I sunk into a deep depression funk over my divorce. For a year and a half I slept, jerked off, and did drugs. Essentially I was dead for almost two years, and it was a wonderful escape from the world. I saw what I really needed to survive having my very existence removed. I learned that things don't last.

The best metaphor I have is if you got into a car wreck, but instead of the airbag saving you the entire car was sucked into another universe and your body hits the freeway at 75 miles an hour. Then you crawl into a cave, occasionally crawling out to eat berries like a wild raccoon. That's what divorce is like for me.

So I don't know what other bad shit is out there, because I could not understand what happened to me before it happened, but the cave and berries saved me. So I'm looking for a cave that will last and to plant some berry bushes. Until I manage that, I can't really build anything.

no one to talk about this shit with anymore

This isn't about that no one cares about me, seriously, that's not what is going on. My parents and girlfriend are wonderful people who care about me more than anyone should. Seriously.

I'm just so sick of not mattering. It's not a matter of not being treated well, everyone who can take care of me is TRYING to get me better. It's a matter of how God and the world treat me. I've asked, I've fucking BEGGED God to do something, anything to change things. Things haven't changed.

I'm playing a saturday night service running in the background, so if I quote it, it's from victory tulsa saturday night service... cool?

"God is not finished with me yet"

ok, where is the fucking evidence for that? Sometimes God must be finished with someone. How does he communicate that to us? Does he let us die? Maybe not. Maybe he just leaves us stranded waiting to die. Now let's look for scripture.

How is that? actual scriptural basis for this shit:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

There are SO many things in this that are contrary to my life in christ..... if you can call it life, it's more like the end of my fucking life.... as we wait for it, let's take this apart.
"I am sure of this"
The writer is so sure of what he is about to say. I can't imagine a level of God being there that suffices for me to be sure of his love. I am so far from seeing that. If there anything I can say for sure right now it is that I am not sure of what value or purpose God has in placing me in this place. He has shown how little value he has for me by completely allowing the enemy to have total hold over my life. In his eyes I cannot imagine me holding value.

"God will bless you because you are hated" PFFFT!

Let's try and bring this down to understandable terms. While I do this I admit that God's ways are higher than my ways, and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. If God so wills as to correct or instill better wisdom in me let that be the way it is.

Imagine there was a very very wealthy man. This is a man who has the resources to do whatever he wants, literally. This man buys two cars. One car is a limited edition rare sports car. He pays a high price at auction for this car. He values this car so much he puts his own personal time into fixing it up, he cleans it daily, he parks it in a temperature controlled garage and cherishes it as a true example of beauty.

Let's talk about the second car. This car has some miles on it, it's old, it's not looking that great. Well, he only bought it on a whim, and he's spending all this time and effort on the first car. He leaves the second car in the care of a servant known to be reckless. He lets that car get wrecked, and leaves it out on the lawn to the wind and the weather, the storms rust that car until it is not even recognizable as a car.

Which car does he value? Which car matters to the rich man? Does he have fucking plans for the second car, when he cares SO LITTLE that he lets all manner of damage happen to it? Which car do you think you are to God? If you go to church they want you to buy into that you are the first car. We can't all be a limited edition. We can't all be Martin Luther, JFK, Ghandi, or the Pope. Some of us probably don't matter.

So what? What now?

aint it grand (music hall delights!)

So if you have been reading thus far you know I've been doing some amateur research on old music. I had discovered that quite a few  gems of my developing years were actually covers of turn of the century music hall tunes. Music hall is kind of like vaudeville. It's an important step in the development of the modern entertainment world, and there is sparse data on both. Some of the covers might be obscure, and of course coming across them on my budget is an even bigger stretch.

Here is one that I discovered in a classic rock collection that turns out to be a cover of music hall.


Oh Mr Porter turns out to be about a loose woman, but Herman's Hermits altered it to be about them.... which is totally natural.

Here is the latest version of my favorite music hall song: Proper cup of coffee




Now I could work a bit harder and try to find Henry the 8th (an original music hall recording) but so far I am yet to be satisfied in this area.

I have of course been building up to my favorite find of the day, and that is "Ain't it grand to be bloomin well dead". It hits all the great buttons. It's morbid, funny, obscure and British.

So without further ado, here it is:



With Lyrics:
AIN'T IT GRAND, TO BE BLOOMIN' WELL DEAD!
by (Trad) arranged by Leslie Sarony
Lately there's nothing but trouble, grief and strife
There's not much attraction about this bloomin' life
Last night I dreamt I was bloomin' well dead
As I went to the funeral, I bloomin' well said,
Look at the flowers, bloomin' great orchids
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at the corfin, bloomin' great 'andles
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

I was so 'appy to think that I'd popped off
I said to a bloke with a nasty, 'acking cough
Look at the black 'earse, bloomin' great 'orses
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the bearers, all in their frock coats
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at their top 'ats, polished with Guiness
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

Some people there were praying for me soul
I said, 'It's the first time I've been off the dole'
Look at the mourners, bloomin' well sozzled
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the children, bloomin' excited
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the neighbours, bloomin' delighted
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

'Spend the insurance', I murmered, 'for alack
'You know I shan't be with you going back.'
Look at the Missus, bloomin' well laughing
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at me Sister, bloomin new 'at on
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at me Brother, bloomin' cigar on
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

We come from clay and we all go back they say
Don't 'eave a brick it may be your Aunty May
Look at me Grandma, bloomin' great haybag
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

The lyrics were provided by a pretty cool site:
http://www.trasksdad.com/MusicHall/

Not only do they have lyrics to many hard to find songs, they also have many of the songs themselves playable from the site. Now if I know the internet this wonderful thing won't last, so won't you please cruise by and give them some traffic, maybe some encouragement to continue. This is pop art people, and this history is disappearing faster than it can be preserved.

There, that's my pitch. Go help the arts, it's pretty much the only beautiful thing left in the world and the workers in it are often unpaid and unappreciated.

In other news I had a nice meeting with my mentor today, and saw my former mentor as well.... everyone is praying for me, per usual. Interesting side note that a girl overheard my conversation and slipped a note in my pocket saying God is fighting for me.... sweet thought. I'd love to see it. For now the night wears on and I want to go enjoy it. More later!

Dangerous line of thought

I wrote the first part of this on 3/5, the narrative and second bit on 3/6
------------------
So last night I was thinking (obviously, lots of good writing done yesterday).

I was kind of mulling over my life, as I have been for the past few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not happy. So the question is how to be happy.

I don't mean bad things never happen, that's an unrealistic goal. The goal is a general state of contentment that leads to an overall sense of joy in my existence. So, what makes me happy.... short list:

Girlfriend
Intoxication
Writing
Video Games
Dog (and cat)
helping people

I think I've made a pretty good attempt to help people for a living. The general process to get to help people is tons of school which educates the person in everything except of course the job they are doing. It's abnormally hateful and awful.

---------
*written narrative* At this point the teacher decided to spring a pop quiz on the already tired and quite irritated Max. Following a 10 minute break in which Max called his mother and questioned the utility of school in the first place, the professor subjected the class to a lab quiz. Having answered the questions to the best of his ability, Max attempted to wait for the professor to reach the point. Professor was unable before Max went into a long panic attack about the general state of his studies. The professor seemed to take joy in announcing to the class that it would be a long class. Max considers suicide.... goes home, kisses girlfriend, gets laundry, meets up with Nikki..... goes back home...... washes dishes, makes dinner..... goes to bed.

We continue on the next day.
----------
Oh, forgot to mention the nightmares in the narrative. I dreamed I was living out a dead space game, which generally illustrates the terror my life has acquired. I had another dream that I kept showing up in bathrooms but the toilets instead of disposing of feces were spewing more of it out.

I hope that captures well the terror that I have living in my situation. I now live in an upside down world in which toilets work the exact wrong way. Toilets could symbolize people, systems, work, take your pick. Regardless it is a huge anxiety when what was supposed to dispose of the unwanted instead deposits more of it in your life.....

Life goes on.
I'm trying to get around to saying I want to do something more fulfilling. Something meaningful perhaps. So far I know I want to write and create, but I have to pay the bills. I'm wondering if there is something less agonizingly stupid than medical education.

We'll see.

Faith endures when everything else is gone

I know my updates haven't been what they should, and what can I say but that usually means one of two things. It's either that life is too good for me to bother, or it's too bad for me to bring anything sublime to writing at all.

This past week and a half has been both.

As I mentioned in several of my previous posts my car is out of service. That has led to missing more classes than I can afford to. Which has led to stress and depression. I'm not going to spiral over it right now, because frankly I'm doing all I can. The car is currently in the shop, I should be hearing something soon.

Second I fell off of insurance. This unfortunately also led to me losing access to the sleeping meds I needed to function, so I had to turn to.... other things. Currently 160 bucks in, and will be another 90 in soon enough, this insurance thing is a bitch. I know that I'm lucky to have anything to help. The bad side is that I lost 5 hours last night due to stomach issues.... which of course is what it is.

I was planning on getting a new vehicle, but the ONLY way that works is if I sell my current vehicle.... which is in the shop. I don't think it is smart to buy something on the faith that someone will buy what I have. So I wait.

Times like this really push my faith to the limit. I feel like I'm writing quite often on this subject. Which means either there is someone out there right now who needs to know they aren't alone, or I will meet people who need the strength I'm building at some point. God doesn't waste anything.

On the surface there is something really sinister in the whole concept of how God turns our pain into his victories. I was supposed to meet with my mentor and my questions for him were based on the movie Adjustment Bureau. One of the central themes in the movie is that some people's entire purpose was to be hurt, but it's for the greater good. This is one of those subverted concepts that exists within our concept of God.

Part of why is most likely how we respond to others in grief. When I know someone is hurting, and I want to give a Christian answer I might be tempted to say "God has a plan". Which sounds good from the side of my life working. However when it is said to me and I am in pain, it's the worst thing in the world to hear. How can this be part of God's plan? I don't care if you lost a job, a car, or even a loved one. The hurt is real when we cry out to God "Why did you let this happen?"

This can actually be a point where more scripture can hurt. We look for if God has taken awhile to show up before. Immediately the stories of Job, David, Exodus and Lazarus come to mind. Starting with Job, God not only took some time to show up, he actually is portrayed as pointing Job out to Satan and painting a target on his back. Talk about tough theology, Job deals almost entirely with grief, while never addressing what God was doing.

David is another standard example of biblical pain. Open up the psalms sometime and read how abandoned and unloved he felt. This is the man after God's own heart. This is one of the greatest warriors of the Bible, and in the thick of it he felt totally alone and abandoned. That's strong stuff. Read Psalm 69 for a specific example of this.

Exodus is one of the worst. God reached a point of such anger that he told an entire generation that they would have to die before he delivered the people to the promised land. Even Moses was never allowed to enter the promised land. In total it took over four hundred years for God to fulfill his promise. Plenty of faithful people died waiting.

Finally, we come to the Christ example in John 11. This is the only time we are privy to the actual process of how God reacts to things. When he finds out his friend Lazarus is sick he makes his way towards him, however he does not arrive in time. Lazarus dies and his family and friends are in mourning. I find this story so easy to relate to because of what happens next. His sister comes up to Jesus, I always imagine her totally broken with grief. She says to him in 21 and 22
"21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”"
I just totally get that feeling. We cry out to him "God, if you had just done this, this wouldn't have happened!"
How many times I have found myself crying because I prayed and believed he would show up, only to see despair.
 I remember I had a sales job at a furniture store. I had just started and sales were slow. Over time it became obvious that the determining factor, namely customers, was out of my control. So I went deep into prayer and scripture reading. I begged God to deliver the sales I needed to feed my family. For over a month I tried. Then one day I was called into the office and offered my release. I had failed, and it certainly hurt all the more because I had hoped God would show up. This eventually led to the biggest fight in my marriage, and the marriage fell apart in the end at least partially because of my financial situation.

When she cheated on me, because I wasn't enough, don't you think I asked God "why didn't you provide?"
When I prayed for God to save my marriage, and it died anyway, don't you think I wondered why God had allowed it to happen?

Over the years due to this one moment I have faced foreclosure and nearly lost all I had more times than I want to admit. Where was God?

The thing is, God was with me the whole time. He still is, even in my despair over this situation. I can't tell you jack squat about God's blessing right now, which isn't to say I'm not blessed. The thing about the people in these situations is that if they had faith, they were rewarded. Over and over again he rewards trust and faithfulness.

Now here is the painful truth: if your faith fails it isn't faith.

The most obvious way this is true is in the issue of hope. Eventually, you may lose hope for your situation (in the natural). When I look at the messes in my life I often cry out to heaven: "Why haven't you answered my prayers yet?" Then, I have to stand and wait for an answer. Now this is me, because of a number of issues.

One major one is that I believe in honor and duty. This isn't as common as it used to be. The saying that sums it up is "A man's honor is a gift he gives to himself." This is true. Finding a motivation to act "the right way" is harder for modern men. It's not only that fewer people are teaching honor and duty, but people who are rude and inconsiderate are portrayed as successful.

Keeping my word is a biblical issue for me. The Lord says "let your yes be yes and your no be no". It's not just an issue of doing it for myself, it's doing it because it effects how I'm treated. So I have made a commitment in my life to faith. I've been very careful about how I commit myself. I haven't committed myself to bare any pain for him, I know he calls those commitments. I haven't taken vows of chastity or poverty, I know my character and I know that at least on some level this would cause discord in the relationship.

There is really only one solemn vow I have made, and that is that if God brings me someone he needs me to work with, I won't say no. That's huge for me. I have also vowed to do all I can not to turn from him. Note that I haven't promised never to turn away, again I know my character. I know it's possible that I might get mad enough at him not to listen to him for awhile. He's patient and he can take it. I know that in my heart he will always exist to some extent. However whether I will always trust him is uncertain. Always is such a long time.

But this commitment to try means I still attempt to seek him, even when it seems stupid. Yes, after going through this long bit about how majestic and grand his designs are I still can state it's apparent stupidity. It seems utterly silly to seek out God when he is not going to give you a solid gold guarantee.

 As a business agreement it sucks. The input and output are so out of whack it's not even worth investing in as a junk bond. I agree to input my faith, my devotion, my actions and my very life to his will. He in returns makes vague promises of reward, of providing above and beyond my needs, and of a greater life in the here-after. So I am putting in a known, in the amount of energy I put into seeking him. I put a known amount of emotional and financial investment into this arrangement. Then when I come and ask him to do his end of the deal, and it doesn't seem effective. He says he'll do it in his timing. I don't buy this gospel of poverty BS about God wanting us poor. That's like saying God doesn't want us to have sex. It is my belief that God created good things on this Earth for us to enjoy.

Even from a  scriptural perspective the gospel of poverty doesn't hold up. I'd have to ignore too many scriptures.

Which brings me back to faith. Faith isn't always hopeful. For me though, faith is the only future I've got. If I thought God was done with me (which is something that passes through my mind from time to time) I'd end it right away. I'd actually be waiting for God to let me die, and who knows maybe he will. At times like this I just sit back in wonder at the darkness in my life. How is God with me even in a hole like this? It's not easy. I can't imagine the agony of being an all powerful God, with empathy, allowing this pain to happen. It would be like watching your kid die of a terminal illness, having the cure, but not being able to administer it.

Depression is terminal, eventually unless you kill it at the root, it'll kill you. Those of us in it can only hope that there is mercy at the end of this thing killing us. We are told over and over to kill yourself is selfish. It's the same level of selfish as shooting up morphine because the pain is too much. Yes, wanting the pain to stop puts me and perhaps others in a selfish place. The pain makes you believe that if you could just end it, everything would be okay. Maybe it would be, for you.

Until I personally reach the point that there is no logical way to make my life work, I won't know what goes through the mind of the suicide victim. I'm committed that if I have to reach that point, it has to hold up in the light of day. I can't just do it just because the wind is wrong on that day, that's not reasonable. I must remember that God is still working, as long as I'm alive there is a chance that he'll deliver. It's not a cheerful thing, I know this ticks off my friends and family.

This life, my life, it belongs to God by choice and me by birthright. Deep in the relationship contract it becomes clear there is probably a place where the needs of the organism are so bad that they supersede the desires of the deity. I haven't found that place yet though. I'd love to meet someone who has, because I am curious about whether I am approaching it. I couldn't tell you.

Love is not logical, and love is not reasonable. If love were reasonable sinful creatures such as us wouldn't be given agape love from God. In the end if I pull from the biblical example it holds up that his will is larger than mine, greater than mine, and better than mine. His will cannot be fully understood by human minds. To say "God you should of" to anything says that you feel like you know what's best. To say that says you know better than God. Holding true to the word and saying you know better are philosophically incompatible

I feel like I'm circling myself here, so I'm going to close in prayer.

Prayer:
God,
Please fill in where I am lacking in wisdom and intelligence. Be my strength when I am weak. Forgive me for my wrong thinking, and help me to have compassion for my fellow broken people. Heal us lord, that we may have life abundantly. Bring us to a better place spiritually, mentally and physically. Help us to ask correctly that we can receive. Help us to seek and find what we are looking for. Show us how to knock so that the doors can be opened. Lord you said that you have a plan for me, a plan for hope and a future. Lord I call you to rebuke the evil one. Put the naysayers and people who doubt what you can do to shame. You said you were on my side like a dread warrior. God please go before me as I go forward. Deliver me on behalf of the righteousness you see in me due to what Christ did.

God help me to learn what I need to learn in this battle. Deliver me on the field of victory like Joshua and David. Break off my chains and free me from my bonds so I might only be bonded to you. Lord you have the power to forgive all sins and debts. Please Lord, where others have saddled me with debt with a false vision of the future, let your grace cover and your victory prevail.

I thank you God for the work I see in those I love. I thank you for working in my life. I thank you that you value faithfulness. I thank you that I don't have to behave to a standard, just to do the best I can. Lord I believe that you are still working to answer the prayers I have brought you. I believe you are planning to work things out even better than I could have hoped for. You are mighty, and you are worthy of praise. Please recognize me, give comfort to my pain and provision for the better future. Lord let my beginnings seem humble so great will my future be! I submit all these things, I give you my pain, my struggle and my confusion. You are with me today, and you won't forget what you promised.
-Max

Out of the darkness I scream these truths for all with ears to hear.

I will not give up
I will choose doubt over hope
though I doubt yet my faith will strengthen
I will not listen to people who complain about the impossible,
Who ever profited by looking at what can't be done?
I concern myself with what can be done.
I trust with all my heart in the only one who can save me, and the only one who will
I will love my fellow man, even when it's hard
I choose life, I choose to fight back against fear, and foolish behavior
I seek wisdom, I seek peace, and I seek purpose
Above all else I seek God, because who other than him could give me those three things?
I may wrestle with him, I may have my bad days, but he is faithful, and he does love me. His love is so great he sticks around even when I hurt him. He loves me despite the fact that sometimes watching my struggles must be painful to him. Yet though these things cause him pain he sees the wide view. He knows the purpose for these tests. He knows what I need to learn and because I have asked him I will receive it (or have) and will move on.
I choose thankfulness. I'm thankful for my family and friends. They are reliable and caring when the whole world seems against me. I am thankful for what small comforts I can find in this place. I'm grateful for this peace that consumes me right now. I'm grateful for the fact that joy comes in the morning. I'm so amazingly thankful that this season WILL come to a complete end. I am so very thankful that his timing will be perfect. I believe good days are right around the corner. I believe a better life is something I can reach for. So long as I can dream, so long as I can love, and so long as I can think I am riding this roller coaster of life for every thrill and amazing thing it has.
I am more secure in who I am and what I am today than I have been in my entire life. Though I may present as a mess, I'm a beautiful mess to me, and to God. He doesn't count the hurts, he counts the blessings, and he counts the times I have said yes to him. The times I have managed to be faithful. As for my problems, he will remove those he has planned to remove, and he will use the rest to remind me to love others. I didn't know what it was like to love with such reckless abandon until I reached a point that love was the greatest gift I had.
This is where I am, this is where I have been, and this is where I'm going. I'm not done yet, oh no! My best days are right in front of me. I will find joy in the midst of pain, and purpose in the midst of disaster. These things must sound so silly to those that haven't seen. Well don't just take my word for it, ask him to redeem your life, to make your scars speak of fighting for right.
Goodnight beautiful people, I hope I can bless some of you tomorrow!

uncomfortable questions that I need answers for

So I am involved in a fervent quest for answers to my questions. I bring them here because I think that someone else must have the same questions.

First of all, is it God's will for good things to happen in my life?
Look, I can say without a doubt he loves me. That isn't what I am asking.
I know without a doubt that he has the POWER to change my life so it isn't agony.
I know that he eventually will make things better. HOWEVER, it may not be in this world. The book says PLENTY on him loving us and wanting to give us good things. The thing is, that could mean after we die. I am finding more and more saying that life is short term, and death is the release. So why don't christians kill themselves. If we take a scripture and what God is doing approach we have to accept that God wills us to go through trials and pains to test our faith. Why? Fuck if I know, he's God, he does shit. Or sometimes he DOESN'T do shit. But just because he doesn't do shit sometimes doesn't mean he loves us any less, saavy?

It just means that it's a different kind of love. He is totally okay with us going through temporary pain if it exhibits his glory effectively. So, at least so far I have no findings to support that living is a good thing. No verse in the bible backs it up. Life will suck for some people and not so much for others, there is no justice in this. There is no logic, good people suffer as well as bad. He just wants us not to hurt others while we are in trial. He wants us to take the hit over and over like a man and not spit blood on the people he is busy blessing.

Disprove me, PLEASE. I hate this conclusion. I hate life as it exists for me as well. However there is no comfort for the pain deep in my heart in realizing that perhaps it's not going to end, perhaps death is the only release. I can't kill myself because that would hurt people, you see? Living is the most clever prison ever devised for a compassionate loving creature. You can't leave, and it's not getting better. Sucks doesn't it? Don't you wish God would let you die? Well, he can't do that, not in his nature..... Well, he can do that, but most likely he won't do that. I've been asking for years and as you can see by my continued posts I haven't received the gift of death.

not feeling this talking thing today

I don't want to speak bad things over my life, so I'll let the music do the talking:


I like:
"Oh but more a sin than letting it in it's letting our good fortune out."

the rest is pretty obvious.

a moment of supreme frustrating doubt

I know what my folks would say, they would say I should sleep because I need sleep. Well by that logic I should eat, because eating keeps me alive. I should go to work constantly because work produces results and results make the world better. Yes logic is easy when you take out pain and frustration.

I can totally explain God's goodness with this logical bit: If I have seen God's goodness I cannot deny his love. If I have seen God's power I cannot deny it exists. If I believe that he has this personal love for me and have experienced it I must logically assume that he will use what power he has to effect things for my good.

But then there is the moment in which what is good for me is not what I want. I am in agony right now, emotionally, physically, I cannot stand this place I am in and I long for oblivion and death. I would rather not exist than be here. Yet I have been cursed to exist as such. Which comes to an argument I had today with my mom. She said  "wake up in the morning and thank God for blessing you with another day to live". You do not understand, as I told her. Another day to live is another day in pain. I know he COULD liberate me that day, but what are the odds?

I have been waiting on him for months while throwing myself passionately against the problems in my life. Now I am standing and waiting, surrendering my life to him. It HURTS. I see no sign it will ever stop except for when I get really lucky and pass on. That's the best it gets for poor and depressed people.

anyway I found this while searching for "is he capable but not willing?" which is my biggest faith question. I have heard it said many times and believed it to be true that he is all powerful. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan for my life. The bible SAYS that he will answer all our prayers that we bring to him through supplication. Yet here I am, waiting to die because the only future I hoped for was whisked away and God has nothing for me here.

I can logically conclude no other thing. Because if he is all powerful, he can do it. If he is loving he will take care of me. If he cares about my feelings he would lead me out of agony. No, all I hear is "accept that this is it and your life is over", Ok, Done. I'm ready to die. Haven't shopped for a coffin yet, because that would be morbid.

anyway I found this argument against his existance and though I believe he exists, the points are strong for my position.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? 
Then he is not omnipotent. 
Is he able, but not willing? 
Then he is malevolent. 
Is he both able and willing? 
Then whence cometh evil? 
Is he neither able nor willing? 
Then why call him God? 

death of a legend, where I hope to be when it happens and what it means

I was just thinking about the Jim Henson death. It was so untimely, he was very young and very successful and there was this huge tragedy around it. One thing I've noticed with celebrity deaths is that often people deal with it by saying that it was the result of a bad habit that person had. Smoking and drinking are often underfoot and people like to say "well if only he had quit smoking." I call these people "non smokers".

Look, when a rich and well off person chooses a lifestyle it's because they can. They often know the risks and they go on anyway. You have to see the ego in being successful. Some of these people are larger than life. Living a larger than life lifestyle kills people. It's what got Chris Farley. "Oh if only he had gotten help for his drug problem" I've heard so many times. Chris Farley didn't have a drug problem, he had a life problem. To live life on the scale that he did he had to deny certain things.

I guess what I'm coming around to talking about is that if I hit it big, it will be because I have a passion and a will power that are larger than life. If I die young (anywhere under 100) it will be because of living life to the fullest every day. It will be because I took big risks, enjoyed some big fun, and tried to milk the most out of every moment of the day. Put that as my cause of death, whether it be throat cancer from the cigars or flaming fireball from a car wreck. It's not the car that will kill me, and the cigars definitely won't kill me (do you know how often they have kept me alive?). It's life, life is a terminal case. That's how I want to go, by living so much that the world can't take it.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/CmEiUyoCXjg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>