Focusing on what is, not what isn't

I've reflected a little further on last night's depressive episode. I had to analyze my own envy, which is hard because envy in my mind is the greatest sin an intelligent man can commit. Envy that I find in myself is almost always a result of misreading how things are for others and assuming that provides information on how it might be for me.

More specifically I am bothered by the success of my ex wife. It bothers me that having done what she has done she can have the successes and rewards she has. I prayed pretty hard about it, because it made no sense to me how she could have more. The fact is that she doesn't. She has had about the same amount of minutes in her life as I have in mine (actually a year short of that), and she wanted and still wants things I don't.

It occurred to me that though it appears she is spiritually and emotionally fulfilled, my lack does not reflect her superiority. Here is the tricky bit: If I were to find myself in her shoes I would not find contentment. She found her bliss while younger because that is where her journey led. She has experienced many things I have not. Yet she will never experience some of the things I have. An apple cannot be compared with a mango. It doesn't work to say "This apple is green and therefor superior to the orange mango", or to say that one ripening faster, tasting sweeter, or making a better pastry reflects it's validity as a fruit.

My point is that I am on a journey, and I haven't come close to arriving yet. However I don't put that delay down as a failure. The problems I am unraveling are complex, and even if I don't succeed it will not make the attempt less worthwhile. I guess that is to say that I have faith. God can yet pull through. The future remains unwritten, and until the final breath is drawn we can make no judgement on the value of a life. Suppose we were to judge Einstein or FDR based on where they were at a younger age. FDR suffered massive setbacks, and had he let them stop him the world would be quite different today. I'm absolutely certain that many good or even great men have looked around at their peers and longed for complete peace that the average man finds.

Nothing beats experience. Further nothing in the long run beats faith. Even if I die with no achievements, children, or impact the faith I had remains. Assuming there is something beyond this life, that's what counts. God does not care what is in the bank, what is parked in the driveway, or the house you lay your head down in. He cares for the heart. In the balance sheet of the heart I remain far better off than I might be. I cannot see into other people's hearts, it isn't my place. My place is to be the best me I can. Which is rather cliched.

Who knows what is around the corner? A better life or the peace of death? Further agony? God knows. I'm fairly certain that I don't know what it is.

Focus defines reality. If I cannot focus on victory, I must focus on peace. If I can't focus on peace, I will focus on God. If I can't focus on God, then I will cry out until he allows me what meager peace I have today, when I affirm once again: I belong to him, my life is not my own. If I had my way I'd be dead already. He is the shepherd, and he is responsible for where he leads me. He alone knows if my life is worthy or wasted. Someday I hope he'll let me in on it.

Yet here I am

It's time to come to terms with that I'm losing...... got rejected for a job I wanted, constantly seeking health and not coming close..... I guess I just.... had faith for more.

I thought God would be here with me. I thought that all the pain I was going through was going to pay off, that He would take care of me, take me out of obscure suffering and into a place of.... I don't know. The thing is that having faith is all about trusting God to have a better plan, trying to let go of self focus..... I know that I'm not doing very well at letting go of self focus right now..... The pain is just worse than it has been recently.... I had been detaching from the mess my life is.

Apart from whatever hope remains that God isn't done with me.... I have nothing to look forward to. If I had a gun right now I would end it. It's not about self pity, or even depression, it's just being done. He is so far from me, so vacant in my life. I am aware I'm not seeking him lately. What am I supposed to do? I sleep more than I'm awake, and honestly when I'm awake I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'm looking for work, playing games, eating and smoking. I didn't stop having faith, I just have begun to lose hope.

My best hope is that I'm totally wrong. How I long to be wrong about what the world is. He may yet redeem this mess he's led me into. I will admit it is less of a miracle than what I know he already has done. How long I cry into the night, screaming at the abyss. Next to being wrong, the abyss of nothingness is the next best option. That being my overall impression that beyond the surface of mental and physical activity there is a great void. When I cease to breath I could embrace it, itl yet be as if I had never lived. There is no proof of life after death, apart from the word of the church and the general hints from God through scripture. God's never personally talked to me about it, though I think that has equal amounts to do with how he knows I long for death. He doesn't need to make it more appealing. Afterlife or not, I'm approaching death at maximum speed.

I just have a need, a need I really needed God to fill. That need is for hope, a future. I need somewhere to go. I'm on a long journey with no destination, apart from death. I'm fully aware that it's not a physical need to be psychologically complete. Plenty of people function without a higher destiny. I keep feeling like people around me are telling me that is the path to peace. I've tried so hard to go that way. I tried so hard to be happy at Heath. I actually succeeded more than I thought I would, to the point that I miss it now.

I need more. I need what only a power greater than me can provide. *sigh* Worse yet is that if tomorrow I were to ask for help from my family, we'd go find a therapist (or one I've already met).... and we'd start the same set of talks. The therapist asks me to describe my feelings. Then I describe them. They propose a different way of looking at life that amounts to basic focus on what is good. Eventually I relent, because I so badly want to believe that will be enough, and they say I'm nice and healthy. I am good at giving others what they want from me. I'm just not good at providing for myself. Christianity seems to imply that I'm not supposed to be good at filling my own needs.... Yet I have searched for God, I have asked for what I am missing. He has yet to provide that. Maybe he can provide oblivion, if life and completion aren't in his plan.