I have to get this out, because stewing on it will only make things worse. I am so tired, on so MANY levels, of what is being given to me. No matter how low my expectations it is never low enough! Humans INSIST on finding new ways and methods of turning everything I considered good in myself into a knife, and cutting at me with the proverbial knife.
If only I was a cold blooded psychopath, but then I wouldn't have these problematic principle and problematic emotions. It seems to me that God is completely non-functional in practical purposes in the present moment. Today I celebrated a year, a year of turning the other cheek and attempting to follow my principles... my reward? Only the knowledge I made it, and barely EVEN that. I don't want to go out and hunt again, yet I have little choice. I'm sick of it, I know I will in the end do it, as I do all unpleasant and unsavory things because I have no choice and God does not take individual interest in removing said problems.
Is it a sin to kill yourself because God obviously doesn't have any interest in:saving you, protecting you, caring for you? I could make a logical case, granted, flimsy logic, but logical and reasonable. I wish I could be pushed too far. The problem is at the end of the day my mind (which is much MUCH stronger than my heart and will) reminds me that taking a gun and ending it is a choice. Heck, smoking is a choice. In what sense is God essential, if life is a never ending gauntlet of "how hellish can it get?" It's like one of those terrible reality shows, where God is the sadistic moderator watching us endure one trial after another. I don't know he's sadistic, I'm just very very hurt. Actually theologically speaking I am to understand that he is loving and good. Which of course leads to the paradox of my existence: Living by my principles puts me in hell. I am given the choice of relief from hell if I could let go of God and trusting him, waiting on him (ENDLESSLY) to show the worth of the trial. He doesn't save me except when I am powerless against a terrible problem. I wish he'd kill me. I wish he'd end this trial, on any terms. At this point I am too tired, and going through this trial even once more is too much. But I don't get that choice, because my shackles are my love for him, my love for my family, and even my love of self. I must step one foot in front of another, fight the fight I will never be recognized for. Because I have no other option which I would take.
If I were to try to ignore God or even deny him I would cease to be me. I am philosophically and psychologically incapable of ignoring my deepest principles. One day I'll find a loophole, a loophole that will allow me to die. That is my light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 28 years old, and that leaves maybe 52 years more of this torment... at most. I sure damn hope there is a heaven... to make it worth it. Or nothingness. I'd be satisfied with that as well, non existence would be satisfactory. Heck if knew for a fact it was just non-existence... well nope, still couldn't kill myself. Damn love, damn principles...... loyalty.... faith...... one day I'll figure out why God requires such destructive emotions from us.
If only I was a cold blooded psychopath, but then I wouldn't have these problematic principle and problematic emotions. It seems to me that God is completely non-functional in practical purposes in the present moment. Today I celebrated a year, a year of turning the other cheek and attempting to follow my principles... my reward? Only the knowledge I made it, and barely EVEN that. I don't want to go out and hunt again, yet I have little choice. I'm sick of it, I know I will in the end do it, as I do all unpleasant and unsavory things because I have no choice and God does not take individual interest in removing said problems.
Is it a sin to kill yourself because God obviously doesn't have any interest in:saving you, protecting you, caring for you? I could make a logical case, granted, flimsy logic, but logical and reasonable. I wish I could be pushed too far. The problem is at the end of the day my mind (which is much MUCH stronger than my heart and will) reminds me that taking a gun and ending it is a choice. Heck, smoking is a choice. In what sense is God essential, if life is a never ending gauntlet of "how hellish can it get?" It's like one of those terrible reality shows, where God is the sadistic moderator watching us endure one trial after another. I don't know he's sadistic, I'm just very very hurt. Actually theologically speaking I am to understand that he is loving and good. Which of course leads to the paradox of my existence: Living by my principles puts me in hell. I am given the choice of relief from hell if I could let go of God and trusting him, waiting on him (ENDLESSLY) to show the worth of the trial. He doesn't save me except when I am powerless against a terrible problem. I wish he'd kill me. I wish he'd end this trial, on any terms. At this point I am too tired, and going through this trial even once more is too much. But I don't get that choice, because my shackles are my love for him, my love for my family, and even my love of self. I must step one foot in front of another, fight the fight I will never be recognized for. Because I have no other option which I would take.
If I were to try to ignore God or even deny him I would cease to be me. I am philosophically and psychologically incapable of ignoring my deepest principles. One day I'll find a loophole, a loophole that will allow me to die. That is my light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 28 years old, and that leaves maybe 52 years more of this torment... at most. I sure damn hope there is a heaven... to make it worth it. Or nothingness. I'd be satisfied with that as well, non existence would be satisfactory. Heck if knew for a fact it was just non-existence... well nope, still couldn't kill myself. Damn love, damn principles...... loyalty.... faith...... one day I'll figure out why God requires such destructive emotions from us.
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