for a reason

This is an important part of my testimony. Years go by, often we do not know why God doesn't answer certain prayers. It's the sort of thing that makes a faith walk such a challenge. It usually seems like he doesn't care when we think we know what's best. But, sometimes you have to thank him for the prayer's unanswered. Today I want to share that I sincerely thought I knew the right thing for my life, and I could not have been more wrong. If my prayers had been answered 3 and a half years ago...... life would be much worse today. It's pretty likely I would not have been able to handle it then, I know that today if given all I wanted back then.
What's important here is that when we put our lives in his will, we're never really lost. We can lose our way, fumble around in the dark, and at times almost lose hope, but he never gives up on us. He brings all things together for our good. He doesn't make mistakes, and we are where we are for a reason, even if it makes no sense to us.

I don't want to be here right now, but one thing I know. I know that I'm in good company.
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Now for the behind the belt of stuff I really can't handle posting on facebook.
My ex wife is pregnant, due in 20 days. That's some heavy stuff, what with me missing out on having kids with her. I realize now if we had ever pulled out of our financial nosedive kids probably would have been shortly on the horizon. It's hard sometimes to be thankful in the storm, but today God has given me something to be VERY thankful for. I don't think I could have handled it. Let me modify this. One, I could not at the level of maturity I was at 22 or 23 handled putting her and the child first. Two, at my current maturity level I don't know if I could handle it. I mean, I think no matter what God will give me the strength and wisdom to handle whatever goes down, but he really saved me in this one. Three, the BIGGEST reason I could not handle that, her. Now I could get super negative about her, we all know what she did (read some old post to get educated if you missed out). However, this isn't about her relational failings towards me. It's about my lack of confidence in her parenting abilities. She was the least nurturing woman I ever met. Here's another thing, I saw pictures of her pregnant and I was thinking "woah, God bless that man that he can handle that."

Seriously, God really saved the day on this one, because having kids makes everything harder, and I doubt the marriage would have survived. And if it bombed, I would be stuck with child support (or with a child) and alimony, and I don't have money AS IS. And she would still have remarried some other schmuck. God bless the broken road (yes, I can't believe I'm referencing a country song either.)
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That is a good word, of course you should know I mean it in no way romantically. I don't subscribe to the delusion that a person can be everything I need. God is. His love is perfect. He showed me today how much he loved me, what he saved me from. I'm sitting here today in my nice clothes, getting to focus my energy on being the best me I can be. And it only get's better. When he delivers on his promises, there will be no question that everything that has happened has been to protect me, to prosper me, and to give me a future. I love him more than words can express. And you want to know the best part? He still loves me more.

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an open letter/prayer to deal with frustration

Dear God,

Hey, it's your kid, it's ol' Max and yes, he's begging again. Begging for answers, begging for a way forward that can keep you in it. I know that you want to be in my life, hey, guess what? I want you in my life. But you've got to make it easier for me. I mean, sinking sand feelings about this dead end situation, that's not a way out, that's not who I've believed you are. I understand if things don't work out like I've planned, but SOME working out would really help the morale around here. Here I am with one of the best functioning male bodies on the market, and you decide to lead me through a romantic dry spell.

I don't know what you want, clearly I'm not giving it, whatever the mystical powder is that makes this busted up vision machine fly. I reached the end of my rope the other day, I suppose you're going to say that I'm still talking to you so I must not have run out of faith. Well, I suppose that's true. I'm still trying to speak that you are capable and that you will stand on your promises and deliver. I'm trying. You're not making it easy. To be perfectly honest saying you keep your promises in this pit is like trying to sell lemonade you haven't got in a desert. Sure it sounds nice, sounds great. It would be absolutely wonderful and swell if you showed up before I put a bullet through my skull. Now I know you've cautioned about timelines and deadlines, that you don't do them and I respect that. So understand when I say I need you to show up before something else happens, I'm not talking about an ultimatum, or some sort of schedule I have. I'm talking about causality. If you decide that showing up is something that can wait until all my hope and ambition have evaporated, that you don't want to provide for me or take care of me in this storm, then I'm going to buy a gun, and the express purpose of that gun will be to take care of problems.
If someone tries to break into my house, that's a problem. My ex wife sometimes appears a problem. So does me being alive. So if you want me to take those sorts of problems into my own hands, keep up what you're doing. Personally I'm kind of invested in not killing anyone. I like to believe I'm a good person. But if I was a good person I think you would act differently. SAVE ME god. You said you wanted to show off how awesome you are, not how you let people get ground down to nothing.
I'm hoping it's darkest before the dawn. I'm hoping that in the morning there will be a new dawn and you will save me, that you will get me out. I have no vision as to how you might do such a thing, but that's up to you. Please Lord, don't let my hope fall flat.

Love,
Max

Rollin Rollin Rollin

So to start I'd like to discuss a transition I'm going through in my life, but first, start this mood music while I discuss this:
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I was driving home feeling pretty bad about my situation, more on that in a minute, but God challenged me. He said that if I'm so hell bent on change, why do I still have the email I had before I changed my life? Why am I hanging on to the email I had through my divorce? Sentimental attachment I suppose.

"Cut em out, ride em in rawhide"
So I'm moving to this email. For one it makes a clean break. For another..... it changes how things work. You see, I use chrome, and God bless it, it can't ever forget anything you have ever done. So changing emails makes that happen. That gives me a negative consequence I don't want to keep me clean. Another important thing is the title I chose. Cynicalviking implies certain things. I think unfortunately I have lived up to that handle. Now it's time to change. I'm not cynical anymore, and I don't have to fight because God already won. MAN google is angry about the change, it won't let me go a sentence without popping up "you aren't logged in".

Now, to the main purpose of me writing. My situation. I am currently in a waiting place, walking by faith that God is going to deliver me out of this mess. I deal on an almost constant basis with people telling me God doesn't work like that, that I have to find my own way out. That doesn't line up with who God says he is. He says he is our provider and I take him at his word. He says he's going to do something I believe him. He said I'm getting out of this, that he is going to take care of me, and I trust him. Anything else people say is lies from the enemy.

Will this ever get easier?

I'm so tired of this place.
Tonight I opted instead of going to the gym to go visit church. And God decided to reward me with a heart aching challenge. The challenge in the message tonight was to put down roots and become part of the local church. Which is a GREAT idea if you plan on living somewhere for the rest of your life. However, if you want out with every fiber of your being, if you feel that the place you are at is a test to harden you against life's challenges, why on earth would you want to put down roots and stay? I'd rather get shot at dawn tommorow than spend the rest of my life amongst these people. I mean, if God so wills it I will live alone, work out, maybe find a drug that doesn't ruin my wind (hey, you can ingest weed, there ARE options) and trudge it out. I can survive anything with God at my side. I mean he kept his chosen people alive in the desert for 40 years. But they didn't have to be there. I don't have to be in this place, Christ died for me meaning I don't have to live in hell. (Hey THERE is an upshot, maybe earth is supposed to be hellish so you want to die sooner and go home to be with God?)
God can take me out of this if he wants, the trick is getting him to want that. I don't see how serving people here will make him want to rescue me from this awful place. *sigh* how long lord do I have to lift up my prayer to you to get me out of here? How many days of pain and fear are enough? How long must I be around people I have nothing in common with, that I don't WANT anything in common with?

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There's got to be something better than this for me.

Oh PRAISE God that he has anticipated my frustration and created a verse JUST for such a trial as this. I am going to copy this down and paste it to my wall:

Psalm 140

The Message (MSG)

A David Psalm

140 1-5 God, get me out of here, away from this evil;
    protect me from these vicious people.
All they do is think up new ways to be bad;
    they spend their days plotting war games.
They practice the sharp rhetoric of hate and hurt,
    speak venomous words that maim and kill.
God, keep me out of the clutch of these wicked ones,
    protect me from these vicious people;
Stuffed with self-importance, they plot ways to trip me up,
    determined to bring me down.
These crooks invent traps to catch me
    and do their best to incriminate me.

6-8 I prayed, “God, you’re my God!
    Listen, God! Mercy!
God, my Lord, Strong Savior,
    protect me when the fighting breaks out!
Don’t let the wicked have their way, God,
    don’t give them an inch!”

9-11 These troublemakers all around me—
    let them drown in their own verbal poison.
Let God pile hellfire on them,
    let him bury them alive in crevasses!
These loudmouths—
    don’t let them be taken seriously;
These savages—
    let the Devil hunt them down!

12-13 I know that you, God, are on the side of victims,
    that you care for the rights of the poor.
And I know that the righteous personally thank you,
    that good people are secure in your presence.

"Is there a blessing for the czar rabbi?"
Rabbi: "A blessing for the czar, of course, may god bless and keep the czar.... Far away from US."

So when I ask God, is there an appropriate Blessing for Oklahoma, he says "Of course" and gives me the verse. David, a man after God's own heart prayed these words.

maybe I'm wrong

today marks another day VERY frustrated with women, and it makes me wonder if the other option wouldn't be better. I have explored this in the past, to no happy conclusion.

I find women more attractive of that there is little doubt, but the supply of women is much worse than the supply of men.

The female dating supply is hopelessly polluted with unattractive women. Maybe just where I'm looking. But the same location has nice enough looking men. Which makes no sense.

I mean, why will a man work hard to attract another man, but a woman will just basicly say "Fuck this, I'm going to phone it in, they'll work for pussy"
Well, we won't.

I just posted this as a PSA to women in my area, see if you relate:

Maybe this will help - 25 (Somewhere between impossible and forever)

I am very VERY frustrated right now ladies. I do not understand why if a man dates a man he takes care of himself, but if a woman dates a man she just gives up. Are we not worth it? Or is it what I think is most likely the case that you think that men will go out with you because you have the socially acceptable equipment. This is a wake up call if that is your environment, that you think having girl parts means men will eventually have to settle for you.
THEY....
WILL.....
NOT.....
You may get some of the trash that accounts for men who have no self esteem and who don't care as long as you are breathing. But you won't get someone who loves you, respects you, and treats you like a princess (which is what you express wanting)
You can forget it.
You are not the only option in the world for men to have families. We can adopt, we can hire surrogates and we can choose alternate partners. If you want to know why the gay community is exploding it is because you are feeding it. Men like me, who have dated through the local dating supply over the course of a few years, realize that they either need to move to a state with better options or consider a different option. You forget that men aren't like you, we can help conceive a child pretty much at any point in our lifetime. You've got a window. I don't understand why a woman would not take care of herself and attempt to appear attractive during that window. If you are seeking an intellectual soul mate this is one man that won't settle.

Also, while I'm on this topic, you being unattractive, judgmental or stupid is not God's best for you. I see many of you claim to love God but you haven't reached out and taken the opportunities that he has given you. You want redneck romeos and cowboys. I guess whatever stokes your fire but there are intelligent men out here that would appreciate intelligent women.

I'll wait as long as it takes. God is taking GOOD care of me and I know that I am not settling for less than his best. If you don't bring plenty to the table then just don't come. Work on yourself. I am, since finding a woman worth dating is harder than finding a liberal congressman in this state.
Don't come back complaining in a few years when your marriage built on a shallow ground of loving mudding and BBW love sinks into the ground. The BBW loving market is soaked out, all the men that like it have their pick of the litter. If you want to be chased, you'll have to do something else.

an addendum

So, I know I made a big stink about that we men prefer not to know your insecurities, but if that insecurity is that you are physically unattractive (bad teeth as an example)..... it is hard to find that out later. For me this is a deal breaker. I feel very very shallow saying that. If I am repulsed it's really frustrating for me to know you are an amazing person. Frustrating because my knee jerk reaction is "So what, they've got dental work, diets and exercise". But if I make you do that to be attractive to me, that turns me into a monster that I can't be. You have to make the change. The message you send me by not taking care of yourself is that you just don't care. Bad self care says poor self esteem. Please get help, I imagine if you took good care of yourself you'd be much happier.