I haven't written in awhile, mostly because there isn't much to report. I vary from day to day from depression, anxiety, to hope and pushing back against it hard.
Lately my old dream keeps coming back. I can hardly get to sleep without visualizing living my dream. Yet it frightens me that chasing that emotionally sometimes begins to feel like I'm peeling away from reality. I have real reasons to be afraid from totally seperating from reality. It was that sort of thinking that got me in the hospital.
Yet that is the crux of the problem. Faith is about believing without seeing. Which is also what being paranoid, delusional and psychotic starts out as. I don't see any way forward for me on chasing that dream in my day to day life. Further there isn't much I want to chase in my day to day life. The things I long for cost more than I can pay. The things I can reach don't satisfy.
Tonight I tried to step out further on faith and give the dream back to God. Which is why I'm sitting up at 3:15 AM writing instead of sleeping so I can do stuff later. He's so frustratingly silent. Further a part of me worries that my experience of God is part of my illness. I've been sick for a long time. Worse is that since the hospital and my mental break I don't even trust my senses anymore.
It should be strictly hyperbole that seeking and waiting on God can drive a man crazy. Yet here I am, living proof that things like that happen. The part of me with faith (which won't die) says that it isn't seeking God that has driven me to this broken reality. It's the enemy and dark forces who oppose me trying to keep me from achieving joy in him.
As for my logical side I remain unsure. I have to grapple with the concept that until others see something I can't be sure something exists. Even then there are some mass delusions that bother me. I'm afraid of losing myself again.
I want to talk about how large this dream is. First it requires me being able to walk away from the house I live in, which is harder than it looks. Second it requires some way to move to the land I dream of. That likely involves quite a bit of money, a minimum of 1.5 million dollars. I don't have that kind of career money available to me. My family doesn't either. It has to be entirely God. Which is a strange place, feelings wise. I cry out to him pretty much nightly. I haven't heard him in some time..... What am I supposed to do?
It's like that They Might Be Giants song, Dead,
"Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,
or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do."
One thing I am sure of and that is that I'm doing enough as far as God is concerned. I feel like my job in terms of his business is to survive this time period with some amount of faith intact. That's pretty easy as long as I don't blame him for my life as it is. Which for me means knowing that if he led me hear he has a purpose in this suffering. I guess that's all I have to say. One day all this will make sense. One day I'll know what God really plans for me.
Lately my old dream keeps coming back. I can hardly get to sleep without visualizing living my dream. Yet it frightens me that chasing that emotionally sometimes begins to feel like I'm peeling away from reality. I have real reasons to be afraid from totally seperating from reality. It was that sort of thinking that got me in the hospital.
Yet that is the crux of the problem. Faith is about believing without seeing. Which is also what being paranoid, delusional and psychotic starts out as. I don't see any way forward for me on chasing that dream in my day to day life. Further there isn't much I want to chase in my day to day life. The things I long for cost more than I can pay. The things I can reach don't satisfy.
Tonight I tried to step out further on faith and give the dream back to God. Which is why I'm sitting up at 3:15 AM writing instead of sleeping so I can do stuff later. He's so frustratingly silent. Further a part of me worries that my experience of God is part of my illness. I've been sick for a long time. Worse is that since the hospital and my mental break I don't even trust my senses anymore.
It should be strictly hyperbole that seeking and waiting on God can drive a man crazy. Yet here I am, living proof that things like that happen. The part of me with faith (which won't die) says that it isn't seeking God that has driven me to this broken reality. It's the enemy and dark forces who oppose me trying to keep me from achieving joy in him.
As for my logical side I remain unsure. I have to grapple with the concept that until others see something I can't be sure something exists. Even then there are some mass delusions that bother me. I'm afraid of losing myself again.
I want to talk about how large this dream is. First it requires me being able to walk away from the house I live in, which is harder than it looks. Second it requires some way to move to the land I dream of. That likely involves quite a bit of money, a minimum of 1.5 million dollars. I don't have that kind of career money available to me. My family doesn't either. It has to be entirely God. Which is a strange place, feelings wise. I cry out to him pretty much nightly. I haven't heard him in some time..... What am I supposed to do?
It's like that They Might Be Giants song, Dead,
"Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,
or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do."
One thing I am sure of and that is that I'm doing enough as far as God is concerned. I feel like my job in terms of his business is to survive this time period with some amount of faith intact. That's pretty easy as long as I don't blame him for my life as it is. Which for me means knowing that if he led me hear he has a purpose in this suffering. I guess that's all I have to say. One day all this will make sense. One day I'll know what God really plans for me.
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