And so I author a piece on how he looks from the underside.
I look up.
Are you there?
Where are you?
What are you doing over there that's so damn important?
How did I trust you before, and how did giving you that trust end up with me here?
How wonderful it would be if you were not, because then I could embrace the bullet and not have to worry about your damn snarky remarks after the bullet takes care of my own
How nice it would be to not have to answer for the crimes of the absurd
even so..... there you are. Over there with your roses, and fruits and wonders of creation.
How well we have screwed that up.
How/why did you offer us salvation?
On the how side how can you ever save me, I am so much already dead, and I doubt anyone else will offer me relief before weakness makes me reach out and take it for myself.
On the why..... why bother with the mess we are? Why bother when you intended to leave those of us in extreme pain right there, for FOUR FUCKING YEARS?!
Do I matter to you? Of course, if you sent your only fucking son, I'd think I did.
Am I to blame for how I lay in misery and moan in pain? Did you chastise David for Psalm 69?
Or am I to have "positive thoughts" (I can't even type the words without a nasal voice in my head mocking them). Then I am lost. I see nothing good but what you are, and you are so very far from me.
If you are working to redeem this shitshow of a life, go for it. It was yours back when it was something worth talking about. I'm not going to go into an itemized list of what I percieve is wrong, because I have come to realize my flesh desires have as much chance of being filled as anyone elses. I don't delude myself of my worth. I have lost my appetite, my lust, my passion and my creative voice.
Please take my breath, so I might lose sight of this lackluster failure that surrounds me.
I beg you! Redeem me or bring it to an end! You may cast me in hell only that I know that my end comes from the most high God! I beg you with all that is within me. With every bit of energy and force I can muster I completely cast my case at your feet, begging, pleading, either close the fucking thing with a relatively quick death or make this life something worth talking about!
I leave my worth entirely up to you. If my value is better as fertilizer, I could live with that. If my value is something else..... I really need some..... I feel like begging for a sign is too much ego. I have sought you out, I have asked, I have gone on a spiritual journey to understand, and I have been knocking at your door. You know PRECISELY what you need to do is, better than I! Who am I to tell you?! I am here to report your servant is weak, supplies are limited, and if you want your servant to live you should open the door. I am entirely sincere.
Please, don't make me curse the day my feet turned to the path of believing in an all mighty miracle working God. Please, don't abandon me. Don't let those who depend on me suffer for my weakness. The spirit is willing Lord.
