So I just published some drafts that had sat in my outbox waiting for my life to go to hell to get published. Lucky them it did. Nikki, my best friend is moving for a few months and possibly forever, Shannon, my former girlfriend is done with me, and in a few days I will be utterly alone apart from family. Somehow this is supposed to be of God. This just sucks, plain sucks.
I decided Nikki needed to move to make shannon comfortable, because I loved her... in my way. And of course I felt it was the best thing for the situation. Last night shannon gets online.... this is a large portion of the important words in that conversation, because I don't have the strength to try and reexplain:
"(8:18:02 PM) Max, aka that one guy who had a mustache, but doesn't now: of course there is the remote possability that after hearing my possition you could decide I'm completely out of my nut, and you can't be with a guy like that... and that I totally get too
(8:18:47 PM) Batmansss979: Want my very blatant, drunken honesty? (as I am also rather drunk and WAY overtired)(8:20:16 PM) Max, aka that one guy who had a mustache, but doesn't now: *braced for honesty*(8:21:12 PM) Batmansss979: I think you're out of your nut for trying so hard to be with me when you could put the same amount of effort (in a different way) into Nikki and be paired up with someone who makes you much happier. That's what I've been pondering for about the past week. And it's REALLY got me pondering. Heavily. 'cause DAMNED if I want to be the one "responsible" for you kicking her out of your house if you two are as good for each other as you sound on Facebook, and as I hear when you tal about her.(8:21:38 PM) Batmansss979: You want puppies and kitties and rainbow unicorns looooooooove emotions with a girlfriend. And you don't have that with her. And I get that(8:21:57 PM) Batmansss979: But I ReALLY think your life will be missing something substantial if she moves out of it.(8:22:11 PM) Batmansss979: THAT is my last week's pondering.(8:22:22 PM) Batmansss979: And my very blatant, drunken honesty(8:24:28 PM) Max, aka that one guy who had a mustache, but doesn't now: I appreciate it, however as to how to reply? oh so many long stories that I can't even frame properly because it would involve SO much explaining about Nikki, and lots of that isn't my story to tell(8:24:48 PM) Batmansss979: I know you've got every reason in the world why you don't love her.(8:25:03 PM) Batmansss979: But I'm telling you... from the outside looking in? It's VERY obvious you do(8:25:13 PM) Batmansss979: And I really DO think you could get her(8:25:22 PM) Batmansss979: If you would be willing to put the effort into it"
So we broke up. and I asked nikki not to move, and told her I wanted to date her. Because I do... did whatever. Nikki is a better friend than any other woman, more loyalty than anyone I've known, and I want her to be part of my life, so sacrifices had to be made.
But she's still going......... because it's best for her kids. SO... essentially I'm screwed. God has helped lead me down a path to my destruction. AGAIN. and we wonder why my faith is so messed up. I try to make it work with one woman, it doesn't, try again with someone more friendship compatable who at least loves me on the friend level, again......... this doesn't really help.
Anyway, the problem about women is they can't be relied upon, I have met none that can. You need them the most, and they walk out on you. "God has a plan" they will tell you fairly often. Also "I want you to be happy"..... with all the FUCKING women who want me happy I should be the happiest millionaire, with alligators in the conservatory, a singing butler and three kids. And I'm not, not yet anyway.
I believe in the bible, I believe in uncle sam and as sure as old glory waves above
I believe a man that's hurting has the right to demand that some woman give him sympathy and love
what's wrong with that? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
The flag above, the bible and love? what's wrong with that?
I was a good hearted husband, both generous and kind
no wife could have had a life as free of cares
and when a good hearted husband has been hurt it'd be only right
for his wife to share the agony he bares
What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?
I wanted my wife to share my life what's wrong with that.....
I could go on on that track.
The point is women are a waste of time from a companionship standpoint, as I see it now. If I'm wrong I beg to be proved wrong. They take your hard earned money, affection and love, and all they give you back is contempt, disloyalty and untrustworthyness. So what's a man to do? we're made to reproduce, are we not? Go forth and multiply the bible says (note it says nothing about algebra in the bible.... a rant for another time perhaps)
Or from the biology perspective, an organism's primary purpose is to produce offspring to continue it's genetic line. How does a man do that when the female of the species so fails to perform her duty? Yes I know that other men are reproducing but that does nothing to satisfy my need for offspring.
So I realized that for me to be happy it must be blood of my own blood, flesh of my flesh. and again, since I can't do it the traditional way I came upon the idea of either just a surrogate mother with excellent genetics, or get an egg donor with good genetics and the surrogate carries the child, or finally I clone myself and screw other people's lousy genetics. Oh and I'm also working on how to live longer to improve my chances of having a legacy. oh and thanks to gene therapy even with cloning I can be sure that my children will be a step up from me, genetically speaking. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/gene-therapy-for-the-unborn-1777725.html
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Love without anger.... confusion and tribulation
another one for the hidden draft bin of my life, to be published in better times one way or another. Either things will get better, or they get better, I don't take other options.
Of course shannon is the topic of my rant today. It's really hard to love someone who is doomed to never feel anything like that for you. Really I'm just hoping God hears my prayers and my confusion here. I'm doing what is right by this relationship but I feel NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER. She's obviously planning to live her life in perpetual transition. She wants to move to Houston or wherever for her PHD........... that really should be bad enough God. I never wanted to live in Texas again in my life, it's like kansas, no bloody use to anyone. This woman hates oklahoma, the state I ended up setting up my first home in and I will always have warm feelings about that. She loves apartment living.... which I have always despised. She likes going out and spending money to have a good time, I have a fucking great time spending no money at all, or pennies on the hour versus dollars on the hour. She likes exchanging money for feeling good for a moment, I prefer long term rewards. She doesn't want to own a house.... I do. It's like she aspires to be in a difficult situation the rest of her life. What do I do with this? I'm in no position to correct her. She needs to realize this path is a dead end on her own. Now, Houston I could forgive, maybe even cope with. But after that she's leaving for Australia. I see no reason to. I feel little desire to leave my homeland. My family is here. I understand economics here. Despite it's errors it is far better here than to move to a new country so she can be with her family. My love can't break me like this anymore. If you had brought me her instead of Lindsay.... Absolutely all this would be possible. But I went through so much growth towards being a more stable person in my marriage. Economically and emotionally this is the lifestyle that keeps me safe.
So...... this entire thing is set to blow up sooner or later. I'm not going to do anything more than hold my ground on who I am. I must do that. And if that means I will not be with this woman, despite my feelings and commitment to her, I will choose what's right for my life. I made sacrifices before and now I'm only older and wiser instead of older and richer, both in status and in resources. Everything going on in my life is making it look like most of all I must find a way to get very rich to create happiness. I hate this. You know, if I were to do what makes me happy..... yes it would involve a few high dollar items, but long term investments that would appreciate. All I want is the Denver dream, with a truck and a sports car, for the rest of my life that's what I want. If a woman wants to be part of that, then great. But until I see a new future for my career, or things change, that is what I believe God is working on. I lifted it up in prayer, and I believed. I have faith in that, if nothing else. This woman? I love her. I have loved her emotionally, and that is being robbed from me by my doubts and by the fact that she could never return it. I do love her as a choice. But love is doing what is best for her. What is best for her is that she not twist my arm into going somewhere I cannot stand, or I will blame her for it every second of it, and it will be agony for both of us and kill the relationship. As far as the economics that are needed to make us work, well, if it was meant to be they will come, otherwise God will provide perfectly fine without me, or without her, depending on your point of view. I won't force her to change because that's wrong. I won't change for her because that would be wrong. I can grow naturally towards her, and her towards me, but as of now...... I have no idea. I am at my wits end with this financial blockage in my life.
while I'm ranting.......... It really bothers me that she doesn't desire me sexually. I mean there are alot of little things LIKE this, but I have never met a woman that doesn't think about sleeping with me (age appropriate women I'm refering to here). Married women, single women, regardless they all want to sleep with me. I thought I was pretty hot. Not the hottest, but I'm working on it. I mean.... if she finds me physically attractive, mentally attractive, spiritually attractive, and the sex was good, why on EARTH would a woman at this age be ABLE to keep her hands off me? am I losing my touch? is it the loss of the beard? I really don't understand that at all. The only way to explain that I know is that she is hiding her desire to do that VERY well. Or she doesn't want me, in which case I am very very confused how/why we are dating. I wouldn't date to marry someone I didn't want to sleep with. Note we do sleep together (non sexual) very well. Well, passably, I don't like her bed that much. It's better than a couch, worse than most guest beds but does come with a very desirable woman.
At the moment we're betting all the marbles on that somehow between our intelligence(mine and hers), and the passion (mostly mine), and the experience (fifty fifty there too), somehow we can be in love. The thing right now is I'm so dissillusioned, and I don't know if she sees it or cares. I don't know if I'd care if she did. She still hasn't been as disappointed, at least not that I perceive because I don't believe she would put up with it. I would. I won't change but I will be disappointed many many times. Asking the best of people leads to that.
Of course shannon is the topic of my rant today. It's really hard to love someone who is doomed to never feel anything like that for you. Really I'm just hoping God hears my prayers and my confusion here. I'm doing what is right by this relationship but I feel NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER. She's obviously planning to live her life in perpetual transition. She wants to move to Houston or wherever for her PHD........... that really should be bad enough God. I never wanted to live in Texas again in my life, it's like kansas, no bloody use to anyone. This woman hates oklahoma, the state I ended up setting up my first home in and I will always have warm feelings about that. She loves apartment living.... which I have always despised. She likes going out and spending money to have a good time, I have a fucking great time spending no money at all, or pennies on the hour versus dollars on the hour. She likes exchanging money for feeling good for a moment, I prefer long term rewards. She doesn't want to own a house.... I do. It's like she aspires to be in a difficult situation the rest of her life. What do I do with this? I'm in no position to correct her. She needs to realize this path is a dead end on her own. Now, Houston I could forgive, maybe even cope with. But after that she's leaving for Australia. I see no reason to. I feel little desire to leave my homeland. My family is here. I understand economics here. Despite it's errors it is far better here than to move to a new country so she can be with her family. My love can't break me like this anymore. If you had brought me her instead of Lindsay.... Absolutely all this would be possible. But I went through so much growth towards being a more stable person in my marriage. Economically and emotionally this is the lifestyle that keeps me safe.
So...... this entire thing is set to blow up sooner or later. I'm not going to do anything more than hold my ground on who I am. I must do that. And if that means I will not be with this woman, despite my feelings and commitment to her, I will choose what's right for my life. I made sacrifices before and now I'm only older and wiser instead of older and richer, both in status and in resources. Everything going on in my life is making it look like most of all I must find a way to get very rich to create happiness. I hate this. You know, if I were to do what makes me happy..... yes it would involve a few high dollar items, but long term investments that would appreciate. All I want is the Denver dream, with a truck and a sports car, for the rest of my life that's what I want. If a woman wants to be part of that, then great. But until I see a new future for my career, or things change, that is what I believe God is working on. I lifted it up in prayer, and I believed. I have faith in that, if nothing else. This woman? I love her. I have loved her emotionally, and that is being robbed from me by my doubts and by the fact that she could never return it. I do love her as a choice. But love is doing what is best for her. What is best for her is that she not twist my arm into going somewhere I cannot stand, or I will blame her for it every second of it, and it will be agony for both of us and kill the relationship. As far as the economics that are needed to make us work, well, if it was meant to be they will come, otherwise God will provide perfectly fine without me, or without her, depending on your point of view. I won't force her to change because that's wrong. I won't change for her because that would be wrong. I can grow naturally towards her, and her towards me, but as of now...... I have no idea. I am at my wits end with this financial blockage in my life.
while I'm ranting.......... It really bothers me that she doesn't desire me sexually. I mean there are alot of little things LIKE this, but I have never met a woman that doesn't think about sleeping with me (age appropriate women I'm refering to here). Married women, single women, regardless they all want to sleep with me. I thought I was pretty hot. Not the hottest, but I'm working on it. I mean.... if she finds me physically attractive, mentally attractive, spiritually attractive, and the sex was good, why on EARTH would a woman at this age be ABLE to keep her hands off me? am I losing my touch? is it the loss of the beard? I really don't understand that at all. The only way to explain that I know is that she is hiding her desire to do that VERY well. Or she doesn't want me, in which case I am very very confused how/why we are dating. I wouldn't date to marry someone I didn't want to sleep with. Note we do sleep together (non sexual) very well. Well, passably, I don't like her bed that much. It's better than a couch, worse than most guest beds but does come with a very desirable woman.
At the moment we're betting all the marbles on that somehow between our intelligence(mine and hers), and the passion (mostly mine), and the experience (fifty fifty there too), somehow we can be in love. The thing right now is I'm so dissillusioned, and I don't know if she sees it or cares. I don't know if I'd care if she did. She still hasn't been as disappointed, at least not that I perceive because I don't believe she would put up with it. I would. I won't change but I will be disappointed many many times. Asking the best of people leads to that.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Captain Einhammer song
I have no idea why I wrote this song, really I don't.
It's called the Captain Einhammer song, set in world war 2 germany, very upbeat
"mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to displace some jews today, I thought that you should know
If you should see my brother please tell him where I went
I've been down in munich planning the Nazi Government
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to grab some land today, I thought that you should know
if you should see my sister please tell her where to call
I think we should be in Czechoslovakia by fall
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to finish off british power I'll tell you how that goes
If you'd call my travel agent and tell him where I'll be
I'll be in London for my teatime by three
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
This scorched earth policy has been quite a blow
If you should see my mother please tell her where to write
I'll be pacing the floor with Hitler in Berlin all night
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I was only following orders and I thought that you should know
If you could call my lawyer and tell him how I feel
and maybe call a Jewish lawyer to help with my appeal"
It's called the Captain Einhammer song, set in world war 2 germany, very upbeat
"mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to displace some jews today, I thought that you should know
If you should see my brother please tell him where I went
I've been down in munich planning the Nazi Government
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to grab some land today, I thought that you should know
if you should see my sister please tell her where to call
I think we should be in Czechoslovakia by fall
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to finish off british power I'll tell you how that goes
If you'd call my travel agent and tell him where I'll be
I'll be in London for my teatime by three
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
This scorched earth policy has been quite a blow
If you should see my mother please tell her where to write
I'll be pacing the floor with Hitler in Berlin all night
Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I was only following orders and I thought that you should know
If you could call my lawyer and tell him how I feel
and maybe call a Jewish lawyer to help with my appeal"
Sunday, September 4, 2011
another rant, title: what next?
Alright, first it's taking me a moment to update to this interface, it's a newer one on me. I know I haven't updated in awhile, and we've all missed out on accurate recording of my inner thoughts. Oh well. Life goes on.
I've been involved in a romantic relationship........ you know how that goes. Well, you probably don't. Considering that this relationship doesn't really fit with any sort of standard for romance........ I doubt you do. I guess in some time some place romance was like this. But considering the weird way it is I doubt it was recorded. Whomever experienced it probably decided it was too complicated to try and explain and just moved on. I guess that's the main reason I'm upset, because of this situation. Again, it's hard to describe everything going on, partially because I don't know myself. At the moment I'm between a rock and a hard place, no matter which way I move I see no positive outlook. Which of course activates my fight or flight defence, if I can't win the fight shouldn't I just get away and repair when I do? So says my flesh, but I guess my heart just makes everything more complicated.
"I met someone at the dog show
she was holding my left arm
but everyone was acting normal so I tried to look nonchalant
we both said I really love you
the shriners loaned us cars
we raced up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand billion times
why did they send her? over anyone else?
How should I react?
these things happen
to other people
they don't happen at all, in fact
when you're following an angel
does it mean you have to throw your body off a building
somebody leaning on a pinhead, calling you an angel
calling you the nicest thing
I heard they have a space program
when they sing you can't hear
there's no air"
it's something different meeting a woman and God having a hand in it.
Now when I have a hand in it, and it all goes to hell that's one thing, I'm quite flawed and I can perfect my technique. However, when things aren't going.... to plan lets say, and it's God's special handiwork, that's an entirely different story. The reason being that I can do everything right, and I believe I do, at least within normal human parameters, and the result can still be an utterly confusing mess of a car wreck and I can see it going that way, like a car heading towards a cliff. And I ask God: "Are you going to stop it? is the car going to fly? Do I need to stop it? Something must be done Lord, and is this all my fault?"
I've been involved in a romantic relationship........ you know how that goes. Well, you probably don't. Considering that this relationship doesn't really fit with any sort of standard for romance........ I doubt you do. I guess in some time some place romance was like this. But considering the weird way it is I doubt it was recorded. Whomever experienced it probably decided it was too complicated to try and explain and just moved on. I guess that's the main reason I'm upset, because of this situation. Again, it's hard to describe everything going on, partially because I don't know myself. At the moment I'm between a rock and a hard place, no matter which way I move I see no positive outlook. Which of course activates my fight or flight defence, if I can't win the fight shouldn't I just get away and repair when I do? So says my flesh, but I guess my heart just makes everything more complicated.
"I met someone at the dog show
she was holding my left arm
but everyone was acting normal so I tried to look nonchalant
we both said I really love you
the shriners loaned us cars
we raced up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand billion times
why did they send her? over anyone else?
How should I react?
these things happen
to other people
they don't happen at all, in fact
when you're following an angel
does it mean you have to throw your body off a building
somebody leaning on a pinhead, calling you an angel
calling you the nicest thing
I heard they have a space program
when they sing you can't hear
there's no air"
it's something different meeting a woman and God having a hand in it.
Now when I have a hand in it, and it all goes to hell that's one thing, I'm quite flawed and I can perfect my technique. However, when things aren't going.... to plan lets say, and it's God's special handiwork, that's an entirely different story. The reason being that I can do everything right, and I believe I do, at least within normal human parameters, and the result can still be an utterly confusing mess of a car wreck and I can see it going that way, like a car heading towards a cliff. And I ask God: "Are you going to stop it? is the car going to fly? Do I need to stop it? Something must be done Lord, and is this all my fault?"
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