Bait and switch

Normally I'd be elliptical and evasive about the crap that's happening to me, but fuck that. If you respect me so little as to change your story every 18 hours I no longer have the respect to not call your crap out. This company flat out lied to me. They said I needed to be ready to make major sacrifices to obtain minor gains and being me I accepted it: Turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39), forgive your brother (Matthew 18:22), Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's (Mark 12:17, Matthew 21:22)
Or to go to philosophical sources: Strange travel plans are dancing lessons from God and Bokonon's method for handling Caesar (his paraphrase of the last two verses): Bokonon’s paraphrase was this:
“Pay no attention to Caesar. Caesar doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s really going on.”
Both are quotes from Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut (1963).

The point being that I did not resist the bullcrap, I began to adapt to attempt to thrive under their tyranny. That is the biblical/christian approach to the problem as far as I can tell. Then, after I had it all figured out they pulled the rug out from under me. Pulled out the challenge, reward, and whole ball of wax. This is the central flaw of the capitalist relationship between the worker and conglomerate. The conglomerate takes minimal risk (to itself) and reaps ample profits whether the risk pays or not. The individual is forced to absorb the actual liability of the risk that the conglomerate bought into without sufficient knowledge of the nature of said risk to assess whether the rewards are worth it.

This is a horrible place to be a human, because humans have needs. Humans have bills to pay and bodies to keep alive. Companies do not suffer the same limitations. If they behave unethically, punish those who trust them, where is the punishment? Will their mortgages be late? No. Because they don't answer to the worker. Many don't even answer to the consumer. Companies do business with other companies and do not need us anymore. This is why we need change, and even Bernie doesn't have a fucking clue about how to fix this.

Tarot Reading

This time it is to sort out feelings, as a meditation.

I had a six card read from a website, which is of course silly, but good for saying yes and no to.
In the end I said yes to all of it, that it mirrors things a bit

Card 1: The moon (present situation)
Basicly means things are in chaos and I strongly desire that to end. That I am afraid, but do it anyway. Also a good omen for secret plans (yeah, I have some).

Card 2: Death (what I want)
This means I desire radical change.

Card 3: The Hierophant (fears)
That I don't know what I am doing. Seek council.

Card 4 the fool (it says this is my personal card, and what I have going for me)
things are going well. If you want change it will happen.

Card 5 the chariot (what's against you)
arrogance and bullying

Card 6 Judgement (outcome)
Things will happen sooner than I think. Things will change for the better.

This is not faith in the cards, the cards are a tool for me to reflect on my own heart.
I believe this is true, that things are difficult now, cloudy. I do want change. I also think God is bringing me to the end of this struggle. Any time now. It's marching closer. It's almost here. I want to stop thinking about the pain, and greet the change with the new day.

It's important to be ready. A prepared man is one rarely caught off guard. I pray that when I am it is God's majesty that is too grand for even my grandest visions of him. 

the land and my heart

I still remember the first time I stepped into my house, and it was mine. Yes, there was the annoying mortgage, and there were plenty of projects to do (even more now). It was a step further towards joy. Still some nights I sit in my house, with joy that I have no landlord. Yes, there is debt. Yes, there are taxes. I haven't found a way out of that yet. The point is there is nothing like ownership for freedom.

If you rent, I pray you experience this someday.

My dream..... which is still out of reach, is to own tens if not hundreds of acres in the mountains. I don't even fully have the ability to understand or explain that level of freedom. Of course my condition is that I can pay cash for it...... I know it's huge.... I also know God's power is bigger.

If it can happen it can happen to you. We live in a world where there are vast reserves of cash and resources literally doing nothing. There are these people who for whatever reason are holding on to more than I could make at my present wage in 10,000 lifetimes. I could be crushed by this, but I choose to take heart. The resources exist. The land exists, no one is living on so many of the wonderful pieces of land available. It's a vision, it's a dream. God can do it. Will he? You'll have to wait and see like I am.

What I can say is that regardless of whether this vision and dream comes to pass as predicted God still has amazing plans for me. In fact the bible says they are greater and more majestic than I can imagine or describe. Keep in mind the lifestyle I described, that is what my heart hopes for. God can and will do more for those that have faith. Problems, I have plenty. I have my share of enemies. I'm not without my mistakes. God has taken less and made more. He made a king out of a shepherd, he used a poor man and his fiance to set in motion a plan that would turn the religious world on it's head.

He can, he has and he will. He is the same today as yesterday and he still will be yet.

what is reliance?

What does it mean to rely on God?

I've been thinking about this. The other day my girlfriend said "I'd like to be a stay at home mom someday". Immediately, without any thought I said "Ask God about that, I have nothing to do with whether that is even possible."

That is the point I'm at. Rich person ideas like being a stay at home parent are distant dreams. In the way is trying to make enough to eat. Trying to keep a roof over my head. Keeping the cars running. These things are ambitious enough. I don't want to allow myself the luxury of thinking about wants as things I can chase. People in our income bracket shouldn't do that. You shouldn't think about building a swimming pool before you have a kitchen.

Being young I still have many of my dreams still present in my heart. They still speak loud. I listen to songs like "Land of Plenty" and "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" and I think about the dreams I'm trying to step back from. It's not that they aren't good dreams. It's that if they happen it will be by the grace of God. If they don't, then I stay on this path.

"Do not worry for tomorrow, what you will wear, or eat. Worry about the kingdom of heaven and God will take care of the rest." Paraphrase.

God desires we seek him out. He says to seek after him and he will take care of things. I'd like that to be true. So far I'm still waiting. I'm finding out that relying on something larger than yourself means coming to terms with what you are given. I've talked to many veterans who tell stories about being at the front and the shipments being mixed up. Sometimes the food you expected to receive is a crate of office supplies. So we endure, we wait and we hope that he will hear the prayers lifted up. Somewhere in my heart I still believe his promises are based on something solid. I believe that he will fulfill his promise.... I have no idea how. I wish I knew.

Impossible Forgiveness

So I had one of my typical anxiety nightmares last night. I was over at my parents talking to them about their situation, and Dad is going on about how great everything is. I just kept having this uneasy feeling about the whole thing. At some point I go back to his old office he had when I was a kid (his new office is in a different room), and I see that the computer is being controlled remotely. It turns out that he is involved in some kind of pyramid scheme. He's invested all their money in this scam...

Then I meet his "business partner" who turns out to be a tall, skinny very smooth man. I keep telling him my concerns and he keeps telling me how he understands how I feel, but that's the way it is. It becomes obvious to me he's not sorry. He says something really offensive, and then he says how he is shocked I haven't hit him.

I realized that I hate him, he ruined my life, my family's life and he isn't even sorry. I beat the crap out of him. Eventually other people come around and carry his limp body away. I then keep trying to convince the people how evil this guy is, but he's been so charming it's really hard. Around then I woke up. I thought they were just about to believe me.... but they didn't.

----

So I had to analyze this, I was very anxious at the end of this dream. Even waking up I felt the pain of being screwed over. I knew it was a metaphor and I figured out I was still angry at someone. Without much hesitation I thought of what I am angry at: corporations.

I generally don't think I am that angry. I love people. I try to be kind to everyone I meet. But I hold no regard for the companies that make a profit while.... well while what happens to me happens to me. It's hard to explain, because it's been building for so long. When I was growing up I was moved to Oklahoma because my parents needed jobs here. Then that and a few more companies fired my Dad, and never because of something he did, but because of downsizing. I somehow entered the work world and had a few years hopping from job to job. I found a few places I was almost happy.

But because of the total lack of interest the companies had in my contentment I never stayed long. I tried to after I got married, but that didn't work. When I refused to leave no matter how bad it got, the companies made sure I left. This was a contributing factor to my divorce. It took me two years to go back to work. I went back and eventually found a place I really was happy. I stayed there my longest ever for a year and a half. I had done part time for that long before, but that was working for friends and family.

The way that ended still hurt me. Conditions reached a point I did not feel I could keep myself safe or my patients. Despite being good at the job, loving my patients and enjoying many days there, it was agony to leave. The thing is that when your options are jail or unemployment, you pick the one you can recover from.

So in both metaphorical and direct ways a number of companies have been involved in what is wrong with my life. In many of those cases I did not hate the persons working for that company, I hated the company. What's more I would repeat to myself that this is what they do. This is what companies do for a profit.

I'm not saying that hurting over any of that is wrong. I am however saying that I need to learn to forgive to honor my agreement with God. If I cannot forgive others, I can't be forgiven.

These are my thoughts on my anger towards them:
1. The system is flawed. They may very well be evil. The bible says "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities". However it also says to forgive and pray for your enemies. It also says to love your neighbor. I know hate is a cancer that will kill as sure as a bullet. So for myself more than them I need to forgive.

2. Every company is different. I know good businessmen, and good companies that I have some trust for. Black and white thinking is a thinking error. I can't say all businesses are bad.

3. It's entirely possible what has been blocking God from moving me to the next step is the anger I have inside. If that is the case, that alone is a good reason to let go.

4. The past is impossible to change. So until I get a time machine I have to move on.

5. I have people who care about me now. I have people who believe in me and it's not honorable to them to hold anger inside.

That's my start. I hope I can figure out how to forgive and let go. I hope things get better. Staying angry won't make them better. One day at a time.

just dreaming?

I think it's only fair after the posts I put up last night to talk about the dreams I had last night. I am a big believer in the importance of dreams. Of course they aren't all important, some are just stress reactions, or digesting stuff mentally you couldn't while awake.

I sense and I hope this is not like that.

So the dream is this:
I dreamed I was going on a long journey by plane, to somewhere far away (on the other side of the world). I dreamed about getting on the plain, and it's snowing. I remember being weirded out that they were still flying because it was snowing hard. Still the flight went totally smoothly, and was over so quickly. So I get off the plane and it's snowing where we landed too. This is really weird to me because I was traveling from america to somewhere tropical. I ask why it's snowing and the explanation is that it was just the first of quite a few trips. You don't fly around the world in a few hours, there is at least one over 8 hour flight.

That's it.

So waking up this felt hugely metaphorical. I found the whole journey metaphor very effective to compare to my life. I'd like to hope that we are getting nearer to a change in the journey, to arrive somewhere. I'd love to see success in spite of the overwhelming opposition.

Not yet, but perhaps soon. With the favor and blessing of God much is possible. I'm told all things are possible, but hearing isn't experiencing.