Yes and no

I want to mention that I likely won't post this often again for some time. I'm starting a new gig next week and that will likely keep my mind and body occupied for awhile.

Anyway I was thinking about not talking. I was thinking about the power of a simple affirmative. I love to say yes to people. It is by far my preferred response to any question. It has become such a happy sound. Even if I am affirming the horrible reality, affirming is peaceful and uplifting to me.

Even if you ask me: have you been suicidal? Even that dark question lights me up to say yes. It's an inky void I'm in to be an advocate of writing and good communication speaking on the virtues of not communicating. I really do write just to get the ideas out. It gives me some peace to know that should I die I leave behind what is essentially me in this moment. It's my dream to write a good book. Not because I crave fame. Fuck fame, fuck money and fuck reputation. Not one of them stack up to the utter beauty of the written word.

I want to write a good book because if I write a book that you enjoy reading it you'll remember it. Memory is the greatest currency I can trade in. If you remember my work you remember me. If you remember me I'll live on as long as that memory does. Which is why I am such a huge fan of the format of the novel. Christ himself communicated his ideas with stories. So if I can find the right story, the right words, perhaps my words could live 2000 years. You want really impressive, look at Moses. Of course the works attributed to Moses may or may not have been written by him. More to the point they are never credited as his words. He was supposedly recording what God told him to write.

I never have figured out how much of the Bible is shaped by propaganda of the time. A good example is the story of King David. I have no doubt there was a real man. However how do we separate the man from the myth. I think of the stories of David as stories parents told to children. A mother might scold their child warning them not to behave as a particular biblical figure did. Or a mentor might coach those under their training to be as obedient as Moses or David. So by the time the stories were written down there may be a little historical warping present.

Anyway, that's the challenge.

No is powerful as well, yet it's frequently unpleasant to say. I think it takes more energy. Then there are times I get into a habit of saying no. Which bothers me.

A chunk of good news and a little tech musing

I'm having trouble focusing on what I should be working on... there really is no should be working on right now. Anyway my good news is that I'm starting a new job on Monday. Which means my budget options are about to open up a little. I've mentioned before I'm an economic agnostic, however I still think it's cool to play with options when they are available.

So I've been thinking about possibly ending my fast off of smartphones. Since I have been home and near my tech all the time I have not been able to justify a smartphone. My parents found a basic phone that costs very little a month, in fact we only have to pay them a little every three months.

I'll start with the good reasons to have a smart phone:
Syncing contacts between devices
easy to get maps on the go
searching for stuff on the go/fill in boring moments

So those are good reasons to get a smartphone. However lets start at the tip of the iceberg of problems I have had with smart phones.
1. Carrier choice and monthly fees. I haven't mentioned it but I think that subscription and other monthly costs are some of the most insidious things keeping my generation poor. It doesn't SEEM like much money, 45 dollars a month. However yearly that's a couple hundred. I could buy a new tablet, top of the line, for that kind of money. This is another example of my economic agnostic side cropping up. Yes, I could spend the money elsewhere. I could also not spend the money at all. Engaging in the economy is semi optional.

I also have had a few carrier troubles, mostly with Verizon, AT&T and US Cellular. Most of it comes down to not covering devices they sell. It's a weird relationship to have with a service company. After all most service companies don't provide any support for the products associated with their service. Examples include Windows, internet and other utilities. If your gas stove doesn't work you call a repairman, you absolutely do not involve the people selling you the gas.

2. I was going to include device issues in carrier issues, but I realize it's large enough to be it's own set. I have had a few very reliable phones. However I have gone through a couple lemons. I still think it's a weird concept to include a phone with a computer. I mean, a computer does EVERYTHING the smart phone does, but with better quality assurance. You also don't carry a full computer in your pocket, worry about dropping it (much), or worry about water. It's akin to putting your only microwave under the hood of the car. In a few limited situations I can see how having a microwave on the go with your car would be useful. However it's going to be quite a bit of fun trying to get the microwave repaired, or having to buy a car you don't want because of it's microwave function. In fact it's worse than a car, because a car you can choose not to drive and it costs less, that is not the case with a cell phone.

3. Mental health issues. I have not read as many articles recently on this issue, but for me there are health risks associated with owning a smart phone. Being always connected is mentally taxing. There is also something undesirable about all the apps that track your every single move. I suppose most people manage to forget about it. Yet I still get seriously disturbed when my phone memorizes the route I like to drive home. It remembers my favorite places to eat, shop, and whatever else I do when I have to carry it around like some sort of fucking convict's relationship with the parole board. That's actually a perfect description for what it feels like. It's like having to wear a tracking anklet. I've also noticed that others who own smartphones get mad when I don't carry mine. Too much drama for me.

So, it seems like I still have far more angst about the concept of fancy cell phones than can be overpowered by benefits.  

The dance with Atheism

The very concept of an intellectual Christian seems to be incompatible with the modern concept of Christianity. I must discuss now my ever present struggle between Christianity as a philosophy and atheism.

I have never yet reached a place where I can totally believe God does not exist. However I have at many points reached a desire for him not to exist. It would make death much easier. If this was all there is then what does it matter what I do? It does not, as I do not perceive a need in society for me to exist. I do admit that I remain alive to some extent out of momentum and self hatred. The part of me that hates myself delights in the punishment of living. I don't want to wallow in that pit today.

That is the dark world of a lack of God. Yet there is a romance to the idea of a godless world. Ah to live in a world with reason alone, then what would stop us from removing our petty emotions entirely? What purpose has love or hatred in a cold world governed by what logic we can grasp and the needs of society?

There is also the problem of how unwelcome I am in the Christian community. I live in a deep red state. I also have at various points identified as a liberal, progressive, socialist and true communist. That doesn't sit too well with people around here. In some of their minds I can't possibly love and be loved by God with such ideologies in my mind.

You would think that given the social nature of Christianity I would collapse under pressure and either settle into atheism or abandon liberal ideals.

However God is not the church. God is not other Christians. God is his own entire entity. Who happens to love me and keep saving me from my stupid shit. Somehow I have managed a relationship with God without a single likable mainstream Christian that I can find. By likable I mean someone I could be honest with about my general ideology. My friends allow me to spout what I will. However most of my friends are spiritual without religion. Many of them mix and match religions, which I cannot do.

I hope someday to find a church where I like people.... or to move to one of those weird small towns where the church is the center of all social activity and not involve philosophy or politics.

I had this dream

I had this dream a little while ago. Sometimes I give thought to dreams, they seem to be either the echos or the burps of the unconscious and the spiritual.

I had this dream of a white room. In the white room an older Russian man was there to talk to me. I asked him if he was vladimir, he said he wasn't. He I perceived to be descending on a great cycle of rebirth. He was reaching the end of his cycle I thought. While I was reaching the apex of my climb. He seemed to want to examine me. I allowed this, because it seemed polite.

He couldn't speak to me, so odd, but he wrote a few words down for me. Ubermensch psychosis. That was his diagnosis. I woke up after that.

I have just spent a little time researching the Ubermensch, it's a concept of Friedrich Nietzsche's. He was if you remember an influence on Hitler, on Nazi-ism. I decided to read some of the book which the concept is in. It's called Thus Spake Zarathustra. In the part I read I realized more and more that the philosopher views the concept of a perfect being to be in defiance to God.

Which is where I diverge. I don't think it is God's plan that man be subdued. In my personal philosophy that is the direct opposite of what it is to be Christian. It is my view that man is to stretch towards God as far as he can. Is it not Christ's call that we become Christ-like? Yet it is also my view that a man should remain humble, and maybe that was my crime. Not the humility, the lack of it. Is it not such great vanity to assume one understands?

So yes I must grow up towards the sky and as far and strong as the earth should sustain me. Yet I must also not base my growth on a crutch, such as the concept of arrogance and greed. Those are my pitfalls. A great man does not become so because of his confidence in self, not that I've seen. Greatness is surviving and thriving in spite of opposition, and with full knowledge of the dangers faced. Christ knew when he came to this planet that redeeming would take a long time. He did it anyway. He knew he was to be crucified, yet with complete boldness he preached anyway. He outraged the authorities and did not rely on an easy out. Thus is my one desire, to become like that.

It is that singular focus that defines what meaning is in the reborn man. Didn't he say we must die to self, die to past and to our very sinful nature to be born anew? I don't think he was talking about starving ourselves, or punishing ourselves until we cry out in our self created suffering. God LOVES us. Christ died FOR us. While we were still in sin. He wipes us clean, and like a dutiful parent he continues to extend to us his grace. His grace is enough! I find new meaning in old words. His grace protects, covers, provides in spite of my human failings.

Ah to know the day of understanding, and yet what a wonderful taste I get as I grasp to try and understand myself. That is what dream therapy and interpretation is all about for me. It is there to understand the messages I send myself when I can finally find the sweet peace of sleep. 

unsaid

Ugg, so much is going unsaid these days. I want to say so much. My mind is on an uphill swing and I overflow with thoughts and observations. Yet I hesitate every time. Every time what I'm saying seems too judgmental, or not what I want to put out there I take a step back. Does this need to be said? So much doesn't. I still type up quite a bit of it mind you. I just don't feel any kind of compulsion to bare my soul. Perhaps I'm growing a sense of shame, or guilt. Nah. I think I'd just rather be who you see me as. For now that's good. This is a season that I will pass through and pass through well. Every man without an external PR guy has to be his own PR guy.

It's a rough time, but I think that's what I need. It is no mere chance that we would see the most offensive government in my lifetime at the time I am trying to change for the better. I don't mean in an ego centric way as if my life choices dictate the political climate. I mean that a man must match his season. This is the time when he felt called to hold public office, so in that way he went. I felt called to become more gentle and self reflecting. These things don't happen in a vacuum. Other men are standing up and speaking up, when for years they had been quiet. I think that everyone gets their turn to speak up and try to steer the world.

I don't have a duty to fix everything, as I said to myself earlier today. My job is to be the best self I can be. Today that meant a really stressful physical for a job that I want to start. Tomorrow? Who knows. I am currently a little more liberated than I was a week ago. A day will come of total liberation. The day will come when I won't be able to stay silent anymore. Then I suppose others will be letting things go unsaid. It's just the way the world appears to be. It's still harder to listen than to speak, and it remains hard to watch the world around me.

Yet watch and listen I must. How else will I ever understand?

unsolved

I don't know if this matters enough for others to care about. That isn't the point, the point is that it matters to me, it's keeping me up at night (and causing me to sleep during the day). The issue is focus. More directly I can't seem to focus on the relaxing/fun things I want to do. It's interfering with my productivity because when I can't relax I don't feel rewarded/fulfilled. The whole point of work is to make me feel justified in relaxation.

The game is heavily modded minecraft. I have a world that I have spent almost ten real time days in, which is almost 500 hours. I really like the map, and I'm really proud of how far I've gotten. I have never gotten this far on a game ever. It also represents a return to normalcy and some health. Making progress in game helps comfort and support real life progress. But I haven't been able to get in a solid work session in a week.

I log on and instantly I don't know where to go next, what to work on. I feel frozen, stuck. The anxiety is killer. I've tried playing other games, it doesn't help. I've looked up cognative therapy for various creative issues like writers block and analysis failure. Yet no approach I have tried yet has proven successful in the long term. I've watched videos which makes my hunger to be in game worse. Then I log on and feel blocked up.

I work around the house, watch shows I like, pray, read the bible, nothing is taking away this hole where the quiet space of my mind was. I don't expect others to understand, but playing the game made me feel at peace, even if I only got in a little time every week. I went without it for over 6 months while I was sick, and coming back to it this year was part of my return to some normalcy, to desiring to function again.

I have no idea if typing out the problem will help. I am determined not to let it win, one way or another I'll find my peace again. I didn't feel this way before which makes me think this whole blockage is temporary.

Growing tablet apathy

I want to take a moment for an aside on tech. I am currently living with a gaming laptop and a 3 year old kindle fire which is rapidly showing it's age. In the past 3 months I have been trying to figure out how to update my tech to suit my usage style. The problem is that my usage style is not represented by the tech specs and tech sales strategy of the companies I can buy tech from.

I just came back from best buy, who did horribly. Yet they did the best at actually trying. I found a decent 2 in 1 laptop for $750. That is quite a bit of change to drop for a tablet alternative. I will not be able to shift my gaming to that machine, it is strictly an option for taking stress off the gaming machine. Then I looked for about two hours on Newegg and Amazon, after which I found roughly the same specs best buy offered for $500-$600. I could not find a single tablet with specs that motivates me to part with over one hundred dollars.

An updated version of my gaming laptop is available for $500. So the lowest end 2 in 1 I could live with costs MORE than a top end gaming laptop. What kind of fucking economy is this? Do they understand older consumers? I have no interest in being hip, or replacing a smart phone. I have no interest in anything being compared to Apple products. I made my decision about how I felt about Apple between 1995 and 2005. They had their chance to not be smug elitist assholes, they did not do it in that decade, they cost more for the SAME hardware. Further I have to point out that their operating system isn't even independently developed. It now runs on the same kernel as linux. Which means that if I want the performance of a mac I can just go to linux, which I have experience and somewhat warm feelings with.

As far as I can tell modern tablets are either middling high performance machines that cost more, or advanced smart phones. I could get a 2 in 1 capable of replacing all my other tech for a few thousand dollars. Or for less than half that I could buy a new kindle (89 dollars), and a newish gaming laptop for between 500 and 1100 dollars. I really don't know what is going on in the economy these days, since the focus is not on customer service, nor good hardware.

Tech has become a tax on the consumer by the tech industry. To stay with the times we must part with hundreds if not thousands of dollars a year on tech which they seem to think we don't understand. The tablet is the best example I can find of a profit loop. They cannot be repaired, fiddled with, or in any way taken care of to extend the life of. Two or three years is the best we can hope for from a tablet. Same with cell phones. Sometimes a laptop can make it 3-4 years, which I'm hoping for my current one. The reason for the difference is that I can fix my laptop, it doesn't have a touch screen and I don't care about the battery life. It is a light weight work station. I might be able to do better, but it is against the will of the retailers and manufacturers.