Psychosis of hope

Hope is a horrible psychotic reality, if it could even be called a reality. Hope isn't a reality, it's a dream, but more than that it's an ideal.

Now here is the psychotic bit: We go to religions that put their entire focus on humility. We learn to be less, look at the long view, love our fellow man. All however serves our dreams, ideals, in a word hope. We ask this all powerful being who has taught us to seek to serve, to serve us up our dream. He of course can, I don't deny it. That is what feeds the delusional insanity of hope, of faith if you will.

We can try to rationalize it by talking about probability. We can talk about what he's done in the past, and probability states he can do it again. However millions have begged him for more and less and been refused(or redirected), so probability states he will say no.

That is when faith breaks all the rules, and crushed reason under heel. God is not a vending machine. He is not predictable. You and I can both feed in the same request and we WILL get different responses. Because you don't talk to God like I do. Frankly I know few who do, because I am abrasive and argumentative, and at the SAME TIME I listen to him, and try to absorb his wisdom.

Which is why I am completely out of my mind over this. He can, he has, he might, he in fact will do things beyond what I can even come up with. There is no reality. There is no hope, we are abandoned to faith. Death and life in the same breath we wait on his will. I don't really... wait... I keep my hands busy. I keep taking it apart, looking at it, and wondering if there is more there than I thought before. Thus far.. nope. It's a sealed trick, and it's a miracle in a box waiting to happen. The miracle may be the end, it may be a new beginning, and it might be both.

So this is another attempt to take it apart using the new data. Maybe I tapped a new area. I think I just handled it, fondled it, poked it and laughed at it. Man is the joke. Hope is the punch line. God is the story teller.

Win 10 vs Ubuntu 14.10

After a month of using Windows 10 I finally have enough data to compare with my past year with Ubuntu Linux.
Originally I was going to write a straight forward review, but then I realized that wouldn't be objective. That being the case, I'm going to try and go down feature by feature, without getting into my various hardware setups.

Price:
Windows 10: Windows 10 is actually fairly cheap as operating systems go. It runs $125 retail, but chances are good if you have a computer less than 10 years old you can get it for free. Windows 8 and 7 both get free upgrades. If you are running vista or xp... it isn't that Microsoft doesn't want to give you Win 10, it's that your hardware won't run it.
Ubuntu: It's free, always has been and always will be.
Winner: Ubuntu
Updates:
Windows 10: semi smooth. They are very smooth for windows update. I have yet to have one hang permanently and ruin my day.
Ubuntu: Here's where the teeth come out. Ubuntu doesn't like updating. I went through one in my year of exile and it was hell. I had to go down to the code and metaphorically keep slapping it until it said "oh look, an OS" and came back. That was the jump between 14.05 and 14.10 (I think). After that I never upgraded again, and had to manually update everything. Which... was not good.
Winner:Win 10
Performance:
Windows 10: This is where it gets harder. In terms of pure power I command more now.... Win 10 however would not have me know that. It takes horrible advantage of the raw power at hand. Windows has always been the fat kid of computing, it's lazy and resource hungry. Windows 10 is better than previous generations to that point, however I can't be totally sure if that is something to credit windows with or myself for running a tighter ship. I've learned to live with less in terms of high risk computing, so that has to take some credit.
Ubuntu: The performance control is extremely cool. This is an OS built for tinkering. If you want to drill down and figure out exactly where every bit of power is going, Ubuntu will not only LET you, it wants you to. It actually requires you to. Ubuntu is a computational equal to meditation. You know how you are exerting yourself, and that brings peace.
Winner: Ubuntu
Hardware:
Windows: This was the lynch pin for me. Windows is not only on everything, it runs native on everything. I was able to find fine machines from $300-as much as I could ever imagine spending. I found a perfect performance point for my needs at $1000. There is one downside: cross compatibility. If you like using the full scope of a modern computer's bios abilities... Windows will be alone on the machine. Fastboot tech is so new that the GRUB launcher doesn't allow it. That's not a big deal if you use your computer at home. I don't. 80% of my use is battery time (in one way or another). I need the ability to put my computer to sleep, or hibernate (I love hibernate).
Ubuntu: The Achilles heel of the whole setup. I've always ended up turning to Linux because Windows has failed me horribly. That's not a good reason to go anywhere. I mean I live in a horrible city in a horrible state... there are marginally better options, but I shouldn't take them. This time I went about trying to find a machine to put Ubuntu on. That proved prohibitively expensive.  I think the cheapest computer I found in my search was $1500. And that wasn't from a brand I trusted. So that alone is why I'm not running Ubuntu now.
Winner: Windows
Applications:
Windows: Options. It's all about a multitude of good applications from free to very very expensive. The support for the applications is low, even from companies that build apps for windows. Steam has become a dear friend and only because I love the model of "buy it once, own it forever."
Ubuntu: A few great applications, all free. The support is fantastic. I found the work space better for efficiency due to the limited apps.
Winner: Tie

Looks like an overall tie.

Vision

This is my vision:
Enduring plenty. To live on the land, no one knocks on the door aside from those God sent. Sure there are problems, but God provides, and in our sanctuary we will endure. We will be built on the rock, no storm or calamity will move us. We will always be fed, emotionally, intellectually, physically. Our lives will be an enduring display of God's promise, that he does what he says he will.

We will not be afraid to take risks, have children, be outrageous or controversial. Our lives will belong only to God, and ours by his grace. We will know no other chains but those. We will no longer be threatened by powers which seek to take our joy and our peace, because our basic needs will be solidly provided for.
---------------

This is my response to the scriptural prodding:

"The Lord’s Answer

Then the Lord replied:

“Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay."
Habakkuk 2:2-3

So much for quiet

This evening has been a serious test of my patience, and my belief in my personal survival. The problem is localized on one particular area, 11 hours of my day were GREAT, then in 45 minutes it was all gone. All the peace, all the security and hope in sustainability for the near future was gone so quick. I had managed my resources SO well, but an attack came just the same. That is the nature of my current situation, peace is not at the end of the day, peace is when I leave oklahoma. Peace may not even be then. Peace might be something we just dream and talk about until we die. Death may be the only peace. As ever God has his reasons, and he knows what he's doing. I trust him. That does not prevent me from loathing to my core his decisions. It also doesn't give me any understanding of his process. If there even is a process. Perhaps his supremacy just is, it exists like gravity. Honestly, his current course of action (inaction as observed by the layman) is enough to drive one to become a deist. A Deist believes that God is separate from the activities of the world. Like he just set up the universe and let it run wild. It's like a very focused agnostic.

What is more frustrating is how active dark forces are. While God's activity is invisible to me I can very clearly see the darkness. I can clearly perceive the attacks intensifying as I seek God with greater fervor. Would that God was as visible in his activities towards me. I know he's working, and I know he loves me. If his love was as larger than life as the enemy's hatred of me...... the stories would be dwarfed by his magnitude. The biblical test would be feeble in comparison to his majesty. As yet the text is my only reminder of his so called majesty. I have faith in his majesty, I just have observed very little of it. Ugh. I'm so tired of being his. He seems to hold so little regard for me. Yet he won't let me die. What a paradox! Yet he can live it, because his reason is superior to very reality.

One day God will show up. On that day there will be peace. Of course he's already here and working, but one day that work will be made known. Oh to see such a day, my heart aches.

Silence

All quiet so far for the last 72 hours. Made it through another week's meeting, coasting gently towards Thanksgiving on that front. The world it would appear is in chaos, but in my heart there is a deep stillness. Not the stillness of joy or peace, but the stillness of trust. I will be doing my best to remain anchored in God. I have been challenged recently by Oswald Chambers to change my perspective from believing that reason is the core of all that is reality to realize that the supremacy of God is superior to even reason.

It is not easily that I come to this place. I much prefer reason, however reason says I should be dead. If we accept economics as a means to weed out the weak elements then by all logic I should have killed myself long ago. In simple economic terms the risk and liability of living far exceeds the meager rewards of my current profession. Further, were I to die my family would experience greater economic and social benefits than me living.

Since there is a moral and social taboo on trying to put my life to an end, there must be some greater truth than profit, reason, and social benefits. As God is capable of manipulating all of the previously mentioned forces to his own benefit we must conclude logically that he is superior. Further as my family consider's my death distasteful we must conclude that there is a superior force to reason and profit, that being something superior to the systems I had trusted.

On a more personal note I have to acknowledge that in seeking a deeper relationship with our Lord he as well reaffirms his superiority. So I remain focused on a reality more stable than the reality I see. The reality of faith is a place in which I understand that God is a constant, and that no matter what sort of noise is going on in observable reality he remains in control and loving towards me. That being true no permanent harm can arrive at my heart. My heart is affixed to his rock.

I must say that this is the least passionate declaration of faith I have ever made. Part of that is that in regards to waiting on his movement, if observable movement is to occur at all, has sucked much of the Joy of hope from me. Hope is a cold porridge, it nourishes my starving heart but does not provide taste or satisfaction. Hope is a trust in the possible reality of his marvelous and thrilling movement, yet faith is knowing that regardless of his visible movement his love is real. Faith tells me I could live the rest of my life without one observable or miraculous movement from my God. Hope says I might not have to. Five years I have been anticipating what move he might make. Yet this year has brought home the hollow nature of a relationship built on my personal profit. He is lord regardless of what he does to/for me. He is lord because he draws me into becoming a better man. He is lord because he helps me love the unlovable. That is miracle enough for most of humanity, and miracle enough for me. My ideals dream of more, hope to see a greater world and dwell in happiness in this life. My ideals are being forced to submit to faith.

Attacks continue

The latest attack on my sanity and peace of mind came while I was BEGGING God to relieve the pain I was already in. I am so tired, frustrated with begging him to save me. Once was enough. He knew my request before I even made it the first time 5 years ago. So he could have prepped a solution at that point. AH but that's were the language is interesting:

Ask and it shall be ANSWERED

That's right. So this is his answer. Either "wait" or "nope". How can a loving God who shares our suffering allow pain and suffering to go on further?! I know I've attacked this 9 ways from sunday. The fact is I can never know on this plane of existence. His ways are his ways. He has a plan. He will either answer my prayer for rescue or let me die. And best part: I DON'T CARE WHICH!! HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE DOES AND I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD!! IN FACT LET'S JUST NOW BE GLAD WITH NOTHING!

Praise you oh lord, for you provide for my needs. You give me food so I don't starve. You give me water so I don't die of thirst. You give me shelter to protect me from exposure. Actually you give me all the above things so that I cannot succumb to my pain and die. Praise you Lord for your wisdom is eternal. Praise the God of all, observer of pain! Praise God, receiver of prayers! Praise God, who's timing leaves many humans broken and desperate! Praise the God who delights in our devotion even as his long lasting silence and apparent apathy torture our hearts! Praise the God of long delays, who delights in eternal life while we suffer mortality. Praise the God who created such self destructive people! God who created in us not only a great capacity to sustain pain, but also a great capacity to dream, because if we didn't dream we would just assume pain is the standard and move on. Praise God who torments us with his ability to cure our infections, lift us from despair, and relieve our suffering! Praise his wisdom and power in his reluctance to use that power. Praise his timing, because someday he'll feel like doing something. Save us Lord, we're tired of growing, we'd like some peace. Save me Lord, you know best, and I am so small. I realize just how much I need you when I hurt this distinctly. Save me from these horrible men. Save me from the forces that bind me. Free me. Let them see you. Lord show me a world with justice, where the evil don't win. Show me your victory, make me part of it. Let me free and let my freedom stand out.

At this point it's just surviving

It's been a long road to this point. At the beginning I remember thinking I could win. I remember having ideals, dreams. These things I now realize are fantasy. Of course there are forces in this world that could effect that type of change, make things like I dream of happen. I'm not one of them.

The season of seasonal depression has come and with it has come the realization that I need to let go of the idea that I could be an elected official. It's not that I'm un-electable (though I think I would be very hard to elect), it's a matter of challenge vs resources. With my level of depression and how I react to stress the level of stress of an elected official is more than I could stand. First off I don't like customer service, particularly I don't like the consuming public's tendency to want two contradictory things. We want better education AND lower taxes. We want lower budgets and tight defenses. These things can't happen. Speaking of I want peace and power, and now I realize those two things can never coexist.
Further I morally cannot be directly deceptive. At the same time as that is true if I am put in a corrupt environment I do everything I can to become invisible, even if that means absorbing corrupt attitudes. Those two things are contradictory to each other.

I'm not certain about any of my other dreams. I know that Gene Roddenberry started his writing career at my age, so it isn't too late for that dream. I just haven't found that sweet spot between work and home life.

The depression makes it really hard to observe reality. At this point I'm just trying to get through until sane and stable again. I know I trust in God, and I trust that he understands the difference between lack of faith and lack of energy to fight. He can do whatever he needs to do. All I need to do is breath, consume fuel, and keep my hands busy. I'm trusting him to help me find a way to do what's right again. Sometimes I just need to fall back on him, sometimes it's okay to be broken, and tired. 

Interesting stages of loss/grief cycle

It's interesting watching myself change over time. Losing Lindsay has been a long wrenching process for a number of reasons. I believe that at some deeper level I loved her. I always will, no matter what she does. Yet time changes many things.

First there's how I speak about the relationship and the loss. In the beginning I could hardly speak about it. I didn't want to be reminded of her even a little. The problem was that everything reminded me of her. Now very little reminds me of her. I have gone through and surgically removed every connection between her and who I am. My past is more complicated. I've come to the conclusion to discuss the relationship as an ongoing event that happened to be happening while other things were going on. Like how the history books discuss the 1930s. In January 1935 Amelia Earhart set off on her historic journey. Meanwhile in Nazi Germany the German air force was created in March of that year.

More in depth is the philosophical approach to what was going on in my life. I think that the larger part of the loss/grief process has to do with me having to come to peace with a number of things. At the time I was with her I thought I could force things to happen. I thought that through force of will alone I could hold my marriage together. I also believed the same in faith and finances. I seriously have no idea what my relationship with God was at the time. Some of my peers think about their wandering times about the drinking and partying. For me wandering was marrying the wrong woman and trying to be average and middle class. I tried so hard. I prayed so hard. Nothing at all added up.

Now my take on life is much different. I realize my own abilities are in different directions than I thought. The power of the word "No" has been a game changer for me. I've learned that when life throws you a curve ball you can just leave the field. I learned that I don't have to stay in toxic relationships. People stopped defining me. Jobs stopped defining me. I took two years off from all of it and had a blast.. not spend the rest of my life kind of a blast, but a pretty fantastic time.

Finally the thing that I just realized. Seeing her face causes me no different feelings at all. Which to me means I've let go.

feeling kind of useless

I had to decide not to go to school... the classes would have started today...

It isn't that I wanted to go to the classes particularly. It's this place I'm in, philosophically, economically, emotionally. I know I've lifted it up before, but let me repeat: My biggest problem is not lack of resources. My biggest problem is lack of specific connections, and time. I don't think I could be making more money right now, unless I worked more overtime, that's not going to happen.

I have such great things in my life. I feel blessed to have a home, a car, and every kind of electronic device and tool I could want. Yet I still wake up and have to face the same level of risk, and no amount of work will solve my financial desires. Which is why I lifted up the desires to God, I told him that he was the only one who could do it. I'm still here waiting. The only future I see is that either my folks will pass and leave enough for me to escape (not sure how likely that is), or for me to pass away before I start to fall apart. Again, that seems unlikely.

I'm trying to find my peace where I am. I have some fun games, and I hope sincerely I can get the writing thing going again soon. God's still working. This wouldn't be getting so difficult if I weren't close. I'm not entirely sure that works philosophically, but I'm too tired to work it out.

Returning to: who do I follow, who do I worship?

I finally got my computer replaced. So I'm back. I realize I never said I was gone, sorry, still no time machine to correct that one. I want to dive into the topic I've been thinking about, sort of break in the new computer (nicknamed Dragon).

What got this all started was when I was taking something apart, a social phenomena. I was puzzling my way through it and I realized this was my process:
1: What is the thing that is confusing me, is it social, moral, or political?
2: If it is moral then what are the grounds for the morality at stake?
2B: If it is social or political what are the motivations and forces in play?
3: Who are the people, what are their motivations, and what are their economic and social needs?

It occurred to me that my problem solving and analytical process itself is secular. This is natural as I did have a secular education. What troubles me more deeply is my lack of factoring God into my deductions and planning.

I'm not dissatisfied with God. My life is decent, I eat well, I have steady work, and I get every petty desire I please so long as I am willing to make sacrifices to get their.

Sacrifices.... I'm interested in that word..... I have of course been a little lax in the tithe department. The normal excuses came up, first that times were hard, second I didn't see how I should bring economics into my spiritual life, finally that I had need and he is still talking but not doing. I can see that I have in fact neglected that portion of my spiritual life. So that's one to grow on.

I had to turn away from a big chance. Supposedly all the money I could want was on the table, all I had to do was work 60 hours a week for 14 months. My health won't allow that. Further it just didn't feel right. There was something I couldn't lay my finger on that didn't seem right. So I turned it down. Which was actually partially at least an act of faith. I said to myself "God provides, he offered that opportunity, he put me here, he knows what he's doing."

Yet while I sit here affirming my faith... I'm struggling. This isn't like it was before, I can quantify my problems: money. Isn't it always the way? It has been a major fixture of my adult life that I can drive what I want, have whatever toys I want, but freedom? Out of reach.

My parents don't even believe in my dream. My mom has said it just doesn't exist. Just the other day she said "rich people aren't any happier." Which is bullshit. Yes, I agree that money IN ITSELF will not fix every problem. Buying a new computer has not upped the time I spend on my book. But money allows options. Money is a resource, like food in the pantry, gas in the car, lights in the house and a house on some land. All these things are for sale. Will food in the pantry save your marriage? No, but if you aren't hungry all the time, it helps. If you don't HAVE to work 50-80 hours a week then there are benefits, and they are real. Honestly, the money is only worth what it will buy. All I want is the freedom not to buy in, if that makes sense.

I'll write out my visualization:
Imagine you are driving into town to go to the store. You go through the aisles, picking out things based on quality and taste, not on price. You pick a few things to try, and other things give you ideas on what to make. You drive home, to a house that the bank can't take away. You play with your kids. You go to sleep and don't mind when you need to wake up. Writing knows no schedule, and when a writer is awake he researches and he writes.

All that is possible. God can do that. Heck I might be able to do it. I'd just prefer he do it. He knows a thing or two more about stability. His gifts last and last. The wait has got to be worth it. It usually is anyway.