2015 year end review

I'm going to try to draft and publish this in a single day. Of course I started drafting this earlier this week at home (in my head). I was home for a few days due to flooding. I read an article by one of my personal heroes, John Scalzi (scalzi.com, or just search whatever on google). In it he summed up some of his best pieces of the year. This is why I want to be like this man, because none of what I have written this year measures up to his average day. At the same time I am more than a decade younger than him, and not classically trained. I write because it's the only art I feel like I could be great at. He writes for a living. In contrast I don't think I could write for a living. That is a rabbit trail for another day, we have stuff to get through before midnight.

I think I'll do my personal review then talk about my personal feelings about new years, this past year, and marking the passing of time.

This time last year I was jobless, having just finished my worst semester of school. I was the same number of credits from graduation as I am now (about 9). I still think I'll get it done. At the time I just wanted a job to take advantage of my physical abilities. I noticed I couldn't be happy sitting for a living. Of course the dream would be doing something intellectually challenging AND physically challenging. I wanted to be a cable installer.

Now looking back I'm glad things happened the way they did. Not because this job has met my intellectual goals (it hasn't), but how I realized working for a monopoly was a rather relaxing thing. To be clear we subcontract for a utility monopoly. Another benefit has been the relative lack of customer contact. I did like the challenge of customer service however I see now my success here and at shadow mountain came from a basic fact: I like having the power to say no. I like being able to optimize my life for productivity, not to satisfy others. I did of course prefer the mountain for emotional fulfillment, and for challenge for that matter. There was no future there however. Here I have a future.

In personal news I finally read (well listened to) a great deal more Isaac Asimov than I ever had patience for previously. I kept it on for background noise many days and in that time I read all but one of the Foundation books. I reread the entire Harry Potter series and gained nothing apart from how very peaceful listening to that makes me feel. Another year gone is also another year of stability in my relationships. My fiance and I are doing as well as I could have ever expected a mature relationship to be. In other news I stabilized my chemicals, figured out the balance of anti-depressants and stimulants it takes to get me through hard days. I am also making progress on learning to live without.

I can't think of anything else. I don't want to talk  about the tragedies in depth. Our cat died, and shortly after so did my Granddad. Her granddad passed as well, and in all cases the pain was separate from me. I guess I expected different things from my granddad's passing, some kind of closure. He just passed one day when I was gone. Heck I was more involved with losing the cat. The cat was actually more heartbreaking only because of shock, she was only 2, and that's young for a cat to become incurably sick.

In 5 years of keeping this blog for therapy purposes I have never looked back in a ritualistic way. In the past I guess I thought that I would recap when we won. Sort of how General Lee in the civil war wouldn't accept the rank of general until he won the war... Since he didn't win the war, I guess that makes the title honorary.

It's more about memory for me than about looking back. I have come to the realization that I am going to be stuck on this planet a long time. Memory is a short term thing, even long term memory that we like to think isn't. For example I can't consciously remember my ex wife's face or voice. I can still remember how she felt to be around, but I don't know for how much longer. There are some things I refuse to fully record, when I forget them they will die. I doubt she even thinks about me. Heck, if I had won I wouldn't think of her much. I doubt general Grant thought much about Stonewall Jackson.

I don't mean to imply the war is over. Actually I don't mean to imply that Lindsay was my enemy. Life isn't that simple. Frankly I have always been my greatest adversary. The whole debacle wouldn't have happened if I wasn't weak, if I didn't have those holes in my armor.

It's been 5 years and I realize now that I'm not owed victory just because of being right. Not even because God promises it. Victory from his perspective could mean something entirely different than how I define it. Victory for him is me seeking him. Actually on that point he himself is my reward, so theoretically in spiritual terms I won. I win quite a bit in actuality. I have all the bells and whistles I could want. There are just a few things I keep seeking. I'm not even entirely convinced I am seeking them out of desire. God is my desire. I just have to keep my hands busy until he finds something better to do with them.

Passion

Interesting things happen when I pray. Not so much in a spiritual sense, or not yet anyway. More interesting in a philosophical way.
I was talking to God about this book I'm reading about "follow your dreams with God's help". Essentially thus far it's the same things I already know about it. God is capable of anything, even our huge dreams. God's with us when we fall. We come up against major resistance when we try and seek God. This I know. These things I know from experience.

In the end however only one thing could survive my current spiritually toxic environment, either my dream or my faith. I chose faith. I'm not advocating either way. I chose the way I did for purely ethical reasons, not practical ones. It's easier for me to behave ethically and deal with the practical challenges than to behave practically and deal with the ethical problems. So at the moment my belief in, I don't know what to call it... my dream, is in remission. I still very much desire it of course. If there was something I could do to move towards it I would be doing it.

What I realized though is I have no romantic or caring passion. I have passion and energy, because that's who I am. But as far as belief that things are going to get better.... I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how I would feel that way. God will do what he will do and he has done what he has done. My pain doesn't enhance that in any way. So I don't feel it. I'm fully aware of the meaninglessness of things, but it serves no practical point to dwell on it. I've come to terms that God has his ideas of what he should do with me, and eventually I might see them. Until then I keep going on the course I set back when I cared. I know the goals I have and cared about, and those are the ones I'm working on. I don't have any emotions about them now, because I am in total tactical mode. I care about what I have to, and nothing more.

In short my passion has become doing the best I can. I know there is rewarding work, but that is a distraction. I told God that at this point I don't even have a direction to point him in terms of career. I know I would like to care again. I'd like to not live in tactical mode. I'd like to not be dependent on certain organizations and things. My goals line up with those desires. As does my energy. Other than that, there is nothing.

I have gone through the desert, and I have survived. I have not yet reached the edge, and for me the edge is theoretical, as is God's direct movement on these large and abstract issues. I do not doubt his ability, or even his interests. I do not doubt. I deal with what is directly in front of me, and no more.

5-6 hours

Just centered and prayed for over 5 hours. Not the passive kind either... point being I don't have anything more than that.

My real problem

You want to know what my real problem? I have way more passion than my lifestyle requires. I constantly feel like I should be some sort of passionate painter, or writing tortured books with helpless old widows being raped by Cossacks. I just realized I know absolutely nothing about Cossacks... apart from their alleged rapist tenancies. I'm apologize in full to any Cossack I may have slighted with my under informed views. Point being my current profession of monitoring and taking care of pipeline isn't currently an outlet for my passion. Yes, I can passionately dig a hole, and passionately pound an anode into the ground. However passion does not make the anode more effective. I have not found that passionate shovel use is any better than apathetic shovel use.

Anyway I'm trying to store up my passion in hopes that someday it will produce a novel, or otherwise well constructed artistic endeavor. So far, no luck. Someday though, results.

The derailing nature of facts

I've noticed that as I discover core facts behind motivations and the way things are the less I can talk to ordinary people. That isn't to say that I don't listen. Sometimes I end up doing mirror therapy for others because it's easier than buying into their delusions. Mirror therapy is a technique used by the humanist branch of psychology. The trick is to ask questions in such a way that you focus the patient on what they are thinking about. It's great for me because it requires little effort and makes the other person feel good.

The particular fact that keeps bothering me is "When a being engages in an activity there must be a motivation." It's almost a law, because I haven't found an exception. However since I'm not a scientist, I don't have the time or resources to expand my studies and publish peer reviewed articles, my social science ideas remain unproven, apart from logically.

It seemed like that was a natural fact to live with. Of course people and other beings do things they are motivated to. The added idea that benefit to the person(or being, if I miss one of these imagine I said it, because I'm talking about beings here) doing something is the most common reason for action. It makes paranoia impossible, because reason takes it apart.

Every time I try to go down a road that so and so is out to get me I ask why. I have to keep digging to get to the root, but at the root hurting me isn't profitable for very many people. I'm a nasty person to get angry, and every time I'm attacked I analyze the motivation and make sure to sabotage my enemy's desired response. Further despite the emotional fulfillment of imagining a world out to get me, it's both unlikely and unreasonable. What would the world benefit using me as a punching bag? If they enjoyed causing me pain then driving me to my edge would be unwise given how self destructive I can get.

It's harder still when I see that others are living in similar delusions. I want to emphasize that delusions of persecution are very emotionally satisfying. I try not to think less of others for indulging in them. I can't join them however. I am presented with the choice of correcting them or allowing them to coast on. Given that I currently don't have any mentally taxing work at hand I like to correct course. I'm aware it may not work, but repeating reason brings me peace. Remember that motivation fact, because I only do almost everything I do because it brings me reward. If it doesn't, I don't do it, simple as that.

when you can't hide it anymore

I've had a sudden revelation, I understand why fasting works on getting closer to God. I had always thought the theory was that taking away the focus on food allowed us to focus on God.. That's not what I think now.

Today I had an involuntary fast. I lost my wallet (this happens at least once a week). I had to work on through. I thought it was going to be okay, I had my music, I had quality stimulants that kept me from feeling hunger. That was all great until mid afternoon hit.

I had been doing great, distracting myself with work, and suddenly my blood sugar dropped out from under me. I couldn't eat, even if I wanted to. Then all the hurt and pain came to the surface.

I have no idea if I am coming clean to myself or God, or the entire world. I realized I've been running, and running a long time. A long time ago I was told I was special, every therapist I ever remember talking to said I was going to be a doctor someday, like it was a given thing that I was so smart success was sure to happen. I believed in that, but I didn't want to be a doctor. I didn't know what I wanted to be, but not a doctor. By age 15 I had seen more doctors than most people see in their first 30. In my experience they were jerks. I know now that's not the case, I've met a few truly kind and caring doctors to set my view straight. I also know more about why they do what they do, and that I won't ever understand. I realized at a fairly young age I wasn't built right to be a doctor, or a lawyer. To get one of these jobs you have to make years of sacrifice. Sacrifice I'm realizing now I was capable of... am capable of. I just don't love money enough.

Money is the monster at the end of the movie for me. My dad was a workaholic growing up. He made alot of money, and was gone quite a bit for the first 10 years of my life. Then he got laid off. Not once but multiple times. I watched the toughest man I will ever know get taken down. When I got older I found out it was the market that did it. The Dot-com bubble burst and it was no one's fault. I realized somewhere in this journey that I could never rely on money to satisfy me.

So I turned to other things. My first marriage for example. Somewhere along the way I thought that family happiness was the end all be all. Then it all fell apart. I had thought that God would protect me, because I was saying I was following him. I wasn't though, I was following her. Not her fault. Well, me following her wasn't. She has her own faults to answer for... but I have nothing to do with that.

I did some serious self surgery, completely removed the belief in a happily ever after that focused on family. I tried to lean harder on God. He was with me through the recovery, 2 years of my life that I did nothing but heal. Then another 2 years chasing the dream of helping people. Yet the one dream I always had was freedom.....

My heart still hurt. 10 months of this job has given me way too much time to talk to myself, and to God for as much as that counts. The thing I can't seem to let go of is my failure. Like when my marriage fell apart.... I have to wonder where I went wrong. People like me don't end up in places like this, not without a serious substance addiction. Yet I got here in 10 short years. I don't believe that it is that I'm not smart enough, because I have put my entire mind on trying to conquer the situation. I can't do it, which is my way of saying I haven't found a way to. I know very well that God CAN, but will he? I don't know that. I know at this point very well that life isn't going to hand me whatever I ask for. Neither will God. I have to figure some things out myself. Usually the only way I know whether I do or I don't is if I do it or don't. If I don't, I know God is strong where I'm weak....

I just don't know who I am anymore. I had this image of myself, a force of nature, someone unstoppable. I had this image that I was likable, smart, and physically strong. I was (am) everything I was taught a man should be.

All I can say is God knows what he's doing. He cared enough to redeem me. He cared enough to heal me. I have to believe that he didn't save me just to have me endure endless humiliation and emotional pain. The world has failed me, in every way. Even other people fail me, people make mistakes. God doesn't. I just have to keep marching, trust that my God has a plan. I'm afraid, and tired, and hurt and broken. But I believe in him. I believe he can redeem anything and anyone. I believe that as long as I speak faith he's on my side... actually he's on my side even if I denied him. He's just able to do much more with faith. I also know that I don't have the whole story (thank god), and he's still writing it. There are things happening that I don't know about. And he's heard and answered every prayer, and there have been so many.

Psychosis of hope

Hope is a horrible psychotic reality, if it could even be called a reality. Hope isn't a reality, it's a dream, but more than that it's an ideal.

Now here is the psychotic bit: We go to religions that put their entire focus on humility. We learn to be less, look at the long view, love our fellow man. All however serves our dreams, ideals, in a word hope. We ask this all powerful being who has taught us to seek to serve, to serve us up our dream. He of course can, I don't deny it. That is what feeds the delusional insanity of hope, of faith if you will.

We can try to rationalize it by talking about probability. We can talk about what he's done in the past, and probability states he can do it again. However millions have begged him for more and less and been refused(or redirected), so probability states he will say no.

That is when faith breaks all the rules, and crushed reason under heel. God is not a vending machine. He is not predictable. You and I can both feed in the same request and we WILL get different responses. Because you don't talk to God like I do. Frankly I know few who do, because I am abrasive and argumentative, and at the SAME TIME I listen to him, and try to absorb his wisdom.

Which is why I am completely out of my mind over this. He can, he has, he might, he in fact will do things beyond what I can even come up with. There is no reality. There is no hope, we are abandoned to faith. Death and life in the same breath we wait on his will. I don't really... wait... I keep my hands busy. I keep taking it apart, looking at it, and wondering if there is more there than I thought before. Thus far.. nope. It's a sealed trick, and it's a miracle in a box waiting to happen. The miracle may be the end, it may be a new beginning, and it might be both.

So this is another attempt to take it apart using the new data. Maybe I tapped a new area. I think I just handled it, fondled it, poked it and laughed at it. Man is the joke. Hope is the punch line. God is the story teller.

Win 10 vs Ubuntu 14.10

After a month of using Windows 10 I finally have enough data to compare with my past year with Ubuntu Linux.
Originally I was going to write a straight forward review, but then I realized that wouldn't be objective. That being the case, I'm going to try and go down feature by feature, without getting into my various hardware setups.

Price:
Windows 10: Windows 10 is actually fairly cheap as operating systems go. It runs $125 retail, but chances are good if you have a computer less than 10 years old you can get it for free. Windows 8 and 7 both get free upgrades. If you are running vista or xp... it isn't that Microsoft doesn't want to give you Win 10, it's that your hardware won't run it.
Ubuntu: It's free, always has been and always will be.
Winner: Ubuntu
Updates:
Windows 10: semi smooth. They are very smooth for windows update. I have yet to have one hang permanently and ruin my day.
Ubuntu: Here's where the teeth come out. Ubuntu doesn't like updating. I went through one in my year of exile and it was hell. I had to go down to the code and metaphorically keep slapping it until it said "oh look, an OS" and came back. That was the jump between 14.05 and 14.10 (I think). After that I never upgraded again, and had to manually update everything. Which... was not good.
Winner:Win 10
Performance:
Windows 10: This is where it gets harder. In terms of pure power I command more now.... Win 10 however would not have me know that. It takes horrible advantage of the raw power at hand. Windows has always been the fat kid of computing, it's lazy and resource hungry. Windows 10 is better than previous generations to that point, however I can't be totally sure if that is something to credit windows with or myself for running a tighter ship. I've learned to live with less in terms of high risk computing, so that has to take some credit.
Ubuntu: The performance control is extremely cool. This is an OS built for tinkering. If you want to drill down and figure out exactly where every bit of power is going, Ubuntu will not only LET you, it wants you to. It actually requires you to. Ubuntu is a computational equal to meditation. You know how you are exerting yourself, and that brings peace.
Winner: Ubuntu
Hardware:
Windows: This was the lynch pin for me. Windows is not only on everything, it runs native on everything. I was able to find fine machines from $300-as much as I could ever imagine spending. I found a perfect performance point for my needs at $1000. There is one downside: cross compatibility. If you like using the full scope of a modern computer's bios abilities... Windows will be alone on the machine. Fastboot tech is so new that the GRUB launcher doesn't allow it. That's not a big deal if you use your computer at home. I don't. 80% of my use is battery time (in one way or another). I need the ability to put my computer to sleep, or hibernate (I love hibernate).
Ubuntu: The Achilles heel of the whole setup. I've always ended up turning to Linux because Windows has failed me horribly. That's not a good reason to go anywhere. I mean I live in a horrible city in a horrible state... there are marginally better options, but I shouldn't take them. This time I went about trying to find a machine to put Ubuntu on. That proved prohibitively expensive.  I think the cheapest computer I found in my search was $1500. And that wasn't from a brand I trusted. So that alone is why I'm not running Ubuntu now.
Winner: Windows
Applications:
Windows: Options. It's all about a multitude of good applications from free to very very expensive. The support for the applications is low, even from companies that build apps for windows. Steam has become a dear friend and only because I love the model of "buy it once, own it forever."
Ubuntu: A few great applications, all free. The support is fantastic. I found the work space better for efficiency due to the limited apps.
Winner: Tie

Looks like an overall tie.

Vision

This is my vision:
Enduring plenty. To live on the land, no one knocks on the door aside from those God sent. Sure there are problems, but God provides, and in our sanctuary we will endure. We will be built on the rock, no storm or calamity will move us. We will always be fed, emotionally, intellectually, physically. Our lives will be an enduring display of God's promise, that he does what he says he will.

We will not be afraid to take risks, have children, be outrageous or controversial. Our lives will belong only to God, and ours by his grace. We will know no other chains but those. We will no longer be threatened by powers which seek to take our joy and our peace, because our basic needs will be solidly provided for.
---------------

This is my response to the scriptural prodding:

"The Lord’s Answer

Then the Lord replied:

“Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay."
Habakkuk 2:2-3

So much for quiet

This evening has been a serious test of my patience, and my belief in my personal survival. The problem is localized on one particular area, 11 hours of my day were GREAT, then in 45 minutes it was all gone. All the peace, all the security and hope in sustainability for the near future was gone so quick. I had managed my resources SO well, but an attack came just the same. That is the nature of my current situation, peace is not at the end of the day, peace is when I leave oklahoma. Peace may not even be then. Peace might be something we just dream and talk about until we die. Death may be the only peace. As ever God has his reasons, and he knows what he's doing. I trust him. That does not prevent me from loathing to my core his decisions. It also doesn't give me any understanding of his process. If there even is a process. Perhaps his supremacy just is, it exists like gravity. Honestly, his current course of action (inaction as observed by the layman) is enough to drive one to become a deist. A Deist believes that God is separate from the activities of the world. Like he just set up the universe and let it run wild. It's like a very focused agnostic.

What is more frustrating is how active dark forces are. While God's activity is invisible to me I can very clearly see the darkness. I can clearly perceive the attacks intensifying as I seek God with greater fervor. Would that God was as visible in his activities towards me. I know he's working, and I know he loves me. If his love was as larger than life as the enemy's hatred of me...... the stories would be dwarfed by his magnitude. The biblical test would be feeble in comparison to his majesty. As yet the text is my only reminder of his so called majesty. I have faith in his majesty, I just have observed very little of it. Ugh. I'm so tired of being his. He seems to hold so little regard for me. Yet he won't let me die. What a paradox! Yet he can live it, because his reason is superior to very reality.

One day God will show up. On that day there will be peace. Of course he's already here and working, but one day that work will be made known. Oh to see such a day, my heart aches.

Silence

All quiet so far for the last 72 hours. Made it through another week's meeting, coasting gently towards Thanksgiving on that front. The world it would appear is in chaos, but in my heart there is a deep stillness. Not the stillness of joy or peace, but the stillness of trust. I will be doing my best to remain anchored in God. I have been challenged recently by Oswald Chambers to change my perspective from believing that reason is the core of all that is reality to realize that the supremacy of God is superior to even reason.

It is not easily that I come to this place. I much prefer reason, however reason says I should be dead. If we accept economics as a means to weed out the weak elements then by all logic I should have killed myself long ago. In simple economic terms the risk and liability of living far exceeds the meager rewards of my current profession. Further, were I to die my family would experience greater economic and social benefits than me living.

Since there is a moral and social taboo on trying to put my life to an end, there must be some greater truth than profit, reason, and social benefits. As God is capable of manipulating all of the previously mentioned forces to his own benefit we must conclude logically that he is superior. Further as my family consider's my death distasteful we must conclude that there is a superior force to reason and profit, that being something superior to the systems I had trusted.

On a more personal note I have to acknowledge that in seeking a deeper relationship with our Lord he as well reaffirms his superiority. So I remain focused on a reality more stable than the reality I see. The reality of faith is a place in which I understand that God is a constant, and that no matter what sort of noise is going on in observable reality he remains in control and loving towards me. That being true no permanent harm can arrive at my heart. My heart is affixed to his rock.

I must say that this is the least passionate declaration of faith I have ever made. Part of that is that in regards to waiting on his movement, if observable movement is to occur at all, has sucked much of the Joy of hope from me. Hope is a cold porridge, it nourishes my starving heart but does not provide taste or satisfaction. Hope is a trust in the possible reality of his marvelous and thrilling movement, yet faith is knowing that regardless of his visible movement his love is real. Faith tells me I could live the rest of my life without one observable or miraculous movement from my God. Hope says I might not have to. Five years I have been anticipating what move he might make. Yet this year has brought home the hollow nature of a relationship built on my personal profit. He is lord regardless of what he does to/for me. He is lord because he draws me into becoming a better man. He is lord because he helps me love the unlovable. That is miracle enough for most of humanity, and miracle enough for me. My ideals dream of more, hope to see a greater world and dwell in happiness in this life. My ideals are being forced to submit to faith.

Attacks continue

The latest attack on my sanity and peace of mind came while I was BEGGING God to relieve the pain I was already in. I am so tired, frustrated with begging him to save me. Once was enough. He knew my request before I even made it the first time 5 years ago. So he could have prepped a solution at that point. AH but that's were the language is interesting:

Ask and it shall be ANSWERED

That's right. So this is his answer. Either "wait" or "nope". How can a loving God who shares our suffering allow pain and suffering to go on further?! I know I've attacked this 9 ways from sunday. The fact is I can never know on this plane of existence. His ways are his ways. He has a plan. He will either answer my prayer for rescue or let me die. And best part: I DON'T CARE WHICH!! HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE DOES AND I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD!! IN FACT LET'S JUST NOW BE GLAD WITH NOTHING!

Praise you oh lord, for you provide for my needs. You give me food so I don't starve. You give me water so I don't die of thirst. You give me shelter to protect me from exposure. Actually you give me all the above things so that I cannot succumb to my pain and die. Praise you Lord for your wisdom is eternal. Praise the God of all, observer of pain! Praise God, receiver of prayers! Praise God, who's timing leaves many humans broken and desperate! Praise the God who delights in our devotion even as his long lasting silence and apparent apathy torture our hearts! Praise the God of long delays, who delights in eternal life while we suffer mortality. Praise the God who created such self destructive people! God who created in us not only a great capacity to sustain pain, but also a great capacity to dream, because if we didn't dream we would just assume pain is the standard and move on. Praise God who torments us with his ability to cure our infections, lift us from despair, and relieve our suffering! Praise his wisdom and power in his reluctance to use that power. Praise his timing, because someday he'll feel like doing something. Save us Lord, we're tired of growing, we'd like some peace. Save me Lord, you know best, and I am so small. I realize just how much I need you when I hurt this distinctly. Save me from these horrible men. Save me from the forces that bind me. Free me. Let them see you. Lord show me a world with justice, where the evil don't win. Show me your victory, make me part of it. Let me free and let my freedom stand out.

At this point it's just surviving

It's been a long road to this point. At the beginning I remember thinking I could win. I remember having ideals, dreams. These things I now realize are fantasy. Of course there are forces in this world that could effect that type of change, make things like I dream of happen. I'm not one of them.

The season of seasonal depression has come and with it has come the realization that I need to let go of the idea that I could be an elected official. It's not that I'm un-electable (though I think I would be very hard to elect), it's a matter of challenge vs resources. With my level of depression and how I react to stress the level of stress of an elected official is more than I could stand. First off I don't like customer service, particularly I don't like the consuming public's tendency to want two contradictory things. We want better education AND lower taxes. We want lower budgets and tight defenses. These things can't happen. Speaking of I want peace and power, and now I realize those two things can never coexist.
Further I morally cannot be directly deceptive. At the same time as that is true if I am put in a corrupt environment I do everything I can to become invisible, even if that means absorbing corrupt attitudes. Those two things are contradictory to each other.

I'm not certain about any of my other dreams. I know that Gene Roddenberry started his writing career at my age, so it isn't too late for that dream. I just haven't found that sweet spot between work and home life.

The depression makes it really hard to observe reality. At this point I'm just trying to get through until sane and stable again. I know I trust in God, and I trust that he understands the difference between lack of faith and lack of energy to fight. He can do whatever he needs to do. All I need to do is breath, consume fuel, and keep my hands busy. I'm trusting him to help me find a way to do what's right again. Sometimes I just need to fall back on him, sometimes it's okay to be broken, and tired. 

Interesting stages of loss/grief cycle

It's interesting watching myself change over time. Losing Lindsay has been a long wrenching process for a number of reasons. I believe that at some deeper level I loved her. I always will, no matter what she does. Yet time changes many things.

First there's how I speak about the relationship and the loss. In the beginning I could hardly speak about it. I didn't want to be reminded of her even a little. The problem was that everything reminded me of her. Now very little reminds me of her. I have gone through and surgically removed every connection between her and who I am. My past is more complicated. I've come to the conclusion to discuss the relationship as an ongoing event that happened to be happening while other things were going on. Like how the history books discuss the 1930s. In January 1935 Amelia Earhart set off on her historic journey. Meanwhile in Nazi Germany the German air force was created in March of that year.

More in depth is the philosophical approach to what was going on in my life. I think that the larger part of the loss/grief process has to do with me having to come to peace with a number of things. At the time I was with her I thought I could force things to happen. I thought that through force of will alone I could hold my marriage together. I also believed the same in faith and finances. I seriously have no idea what my relationship with God was at the time. Some of my peers think about their wandering times about the drinking and partying. For me wandering was marrying the wrong woman and trying to be average and middle class. I tried so hard. I prayed so hard. Nothing at all added up.

Now my take on life is much different. I realize my own abilities are in different directions than I thought. The power of the word "No" has been a game changer for me. I've learned that when life throws you a curve ball you can just leave the field. I learned that I don't have to stay in toxic relationships. People stopped defining me. Jobs stopped defining me. I took two years off from all of it and had a blast.. not spend the rest of my life kind of a blast, but a pretty fantastic time.

Finally the thing that I just realized. Seeing her face causes me no different feelings at all. Which to me means I've let go.

feeling kind of useless

I had to decide not to go to school... the classes would have started today...

It isn't that I wanted to go to the classes particularly. It's this place I'm in, philosophically, economically, emotionally. I know I've lifted it up before, but let me repeat: My biggest problem is not lack of resources. My biggest problem is lack of specific connections, and time. I don't think I could be making more money right now, unless I worked more overtime, that's not going to happen.

I have such great things in my life. I feel blessed to have a home, a car, and every kind of electronic device and tool I could want. Yet I still wake up and have to face the same level of risk, and no amount of work will solve my financial desires. Which is why I lifted up the desires to God, I told him that he was the only one who could do it. I'm still here waiting. The only future I see is that either my folks will pass and leave enough for me to escape (not sure how likely that is), or for me to pass away before I start to fall apart. Again, that seems unlikely.

I'm trying to find my peace where I am. I have some fun games, and I hope sincerely I can get the writing thing going again soon. God's still working. This wouldn't be getting so difficult if I weren't close. I'm not entirely sure that works philosophically, but I'm too tired to work it out.

Returning to: who do I follow, who do I worship?

I finally got my computer replaced. So I'm back. I realize I never said I was gone, sorry, still no time machine to correct that one. I want to dive into the topic I've been thinking about, sort of break in the new computer (nicknamed Dragon).

What got this all started was when I was taking something apart, a social phenomena. I was puzzling my way through it and I realized this was my process:
1: What is the thing that is confusing me, is it social, moral, or political?
2: If it is moral then what are the grounds for the morality at stake?
2B: If it is social or political what are the motivations and forces in play?
3: Who are the people, what are their motivations, and what are their economic and social needs?

It occurred to me that my problem solving and analytical process itself is secular. This is natural as I did have a secular education. What troubles me more deeply is my lack of factoring God into my deductions and planning.

I'm not dissatisfied with God. My life is decent, I eat well, I have steady work, and I get every petty desire I please so long as I am willing to make sacrifices to get their.

Sacrifices.... I'm interested in that word..... I have of course been a little lax in the tithe department. The normal excuses came up, first that times were hard, second I didn't see how I should bring economics into my spiritual life, finally that I had need and he is still talking but not doing. I can see that I have in fact neglected that portion of my spiritual life. So that's one to grow on.

I had to turn away from a big chance. Supposedly all the money I could want was on the table, all I had to do was work 60 hours a week for 14 months. My health won't allow that. Further it just didn't feel right. There was something I couldn't lay my finger on that didn't seem right. So I turned it down. Which was actually partially at least an act of faith. I said to myself "God provides, he offered that opportunity, he put me here, he knows what he's doing."

Yet while I sit here affirming my faith... I'm struggling. This isn't like it was before, I can quantify my problems: money. Isn't it always the way? It has been a major fixture of my adult life that I can drive what I want, have whatever toys I want, but freedom? Out of reach.

My parents don't even believe in my dream. My mom has said it just doesn't exist. Just the other day she said "rich people aren't any happier." Which is bullshit. Yes, I agree that money IN ITSELF will not fix every problem. Buying a new computer has not upped the time I spend on my book. But money allows options. Money is a resource, like food in the pantry, gas in the car, lights in the house and a house on some land. All these things are for sale. Will food in the pantry save your marriage? No, but if you aren't hungry all the time, it helps. If you don't HAVE to work 50-80 hours a week then there are benefits, and they are real. Honestly, the money is only worth what it will buy. All I want is the freedom not to buy in, if that makes sense.

I'll write out my visualization:
Imagine you are driving into town to go to the store. You go through the aisles, picking out things based on quality and taste, not on price. You pick a few things to try, and other things give you ideas on what to make. You drive home, to a house that the bank can't take away. You play with your kids. You go to sleep and don't mind when you need to wake up. Writing knows no schedule, and when a writer is awake he researches and he writes.

All that is possible. God can do that. Heck I might be able to do it. I'd just prefer he do it. He knows a thing or two more about stability. His gifts last and last. The wait has got to be worth it. It usually is anyway.

Frustrated prayer

I don't know whether to call this a rant, or a prayer, or my head just blowing off. It's just so frustrating knowing that there is a God who loves me, who is in fact active in my life. It's frustrating because I'm butting my head against the same problems that I just can't solve. I bring them to God, and then I try to shift as best I can to either live with it, or fix what I can.
The problem comes down to freedom. For 5 years since I identified the problem I have been bringing this item up in prayer. Assuming three times a week, which averages the times I asked 5 times a day and the times I asked once a week, 807 times I have mentioned it to the Lord that: Hey, you say you break shackles, I've got this problem, etc.
It just seems like I'm going to continue to be under the gun. I've still got the same masters... one way or another. What bothers me more is that there are solutions, it's all about force to a direct spot.
See it's a financial problem, the problem being that living appears to cost quite a penny, and I don't want to have to sell my body for money for the rest of my life. I only can push so much, and my body can only do so much. I am further limited by age and health considerations. If I had understood the problem, and had access to the solutions I now do 8 years ago we'd be in a different boat now. Of course if I understood economics and such at 19 there are a number of different roads I could have traveled down.

So here I am, waiting on God for an answer that I don't know how could possibly scratch the itch. It's not that he's not capable. It isn't even that I don't know a solution or two. Compound interest and good assets could solve all of this. I'm further sure that he has access to even greater instruments. I am however unsure of what he intends to do. See because even though he says he hates imprisonment... slavery... blah blah blah set the captives free.... seek and you shall find and such, I've been praying at this for 5 years, and further I'm prepared to wait into eternity for him to come up with an answer. Because the great news is someday I will die. Today we found out processed meat is a cancer risk, meaning us working class schmoes get to clock out for good early. Bring on the hot dogs, because the chances of me getting gut cancer are higher than the chances of me finding a compassionate situation, or a natural solution to the resource shortage problem I've been having. 

the hateful process of buying a laptop

I came into this with such hopes. I had found a few laptops in my price range and thought that it would be a snap that one of them would work for me. It should be noted that I won't have ALL the money until possibly the end of the month... but that's alright.
Here are my needs (and why):
Intel i7, preferably 4 core (I bought an amd..... it's been a nightmare from the laptop side. I thought it was an i5 equal, and either i5s aren't doing what they used to, or... yeah, not.)
Minimum 8 gigs of ram and must be upgradable to 16 gigs. (running on 8 now... not going well)
Linux compatible (windows sucks, it takes way too much work to get the hardware to do what it was built to do. It's also heavy, it's a resource hog that acts like you don't need programs, you've got windows. It's hard to configure, you can never get down to the command line and work. Oh, and don't get me started on the file system. It's not as bad as mac, but not by much anymore.)
10 key, because number pad saves my bacon
and a dedicated graphics card
Sounds simple, yes?
No sir!
It will cost me roughly double my budget. I am seriously in the range of custom built machines wanting the specs I want.... My desktop with the most powerful processor ever made (8 core AMD) didn't cost this much. It just makes me hate the whole computer thing. Like I should just go buy a fucking game console and forget about my entire computer life for a few years. Maybe I should. It's not like this is going anywhere.

never over

I don't want to give the impression that the war is over in my life. I do still believe it may be over while I'm still breathing, but I can't make any promises. I'm not running the show here. It should be noted at this point I'm okay with that. I wouldn't have a better plan if I were to be running the show. In addition I don't think there is anyone or anything out there with a better plan for my life. God and I are having a more realistic discussion that I have had in awhile. That being said... it's hard. It's very hard having a frank discussion with the guy who could throw a net around you and scoop you into security. It complicates things knowing the guy is all powerful, and his assessment of what needs to change in me is what determines what happens next. If I'm still too flawed to perform whatever task he has ahead for me, back through the fire I go. Even now when the fire isn't high I'm still being molded. I have had to let go of my attachments, materialistic instincts I suppose I had. It must be in the human nature to drift towards materialism, because my instincts are more towards a value system based on time. Which is challenging, since every job I know promises money, not time.

I came to the conclusion that my ideal would be maximum hours to think and write. If I were really financially secure I could do that... Anyway, I'm kind of dry right now. On the road to a new computer, fingers still crossed about that, because it's not here until it's here.

You know what feels good?

Winning. Being one of the only guys to be able to pull 50 hour week after 50 hour week. Looking at my bank account and seeing enough, not much more, but enough. My fiance getting an interview and a stand mixer. I'm just saying, to God the glory it feels so good to win. Yes it does feel great to give, but it feels so great and humbling to receive. To get the feeling of a wave lifting you up. I'm hoping, dreaming really, that this is just the first swell. For everything there is a season, and I think it might just be the season where we win, the season where it all pays off, and the season that every word I've read and every word I've said pays off. It doesn't have to, because today is good. Today is great actually, I'd like to freeze it in amber and come back here on vacation.

What works

What works:

For 5 years I have wanted to find someone else who has gone through what I've been going through, who despite making seemingly good decisions and trusting God was as under attack and troubled as I was. Specifically I wanted someone to write about what it is like when God shows up. I wanted documentation, what was going on RIGHT before he appeared, miracle in hand, ready to fix things. Since I never found it, I'm writing it now.

Unexpected, in a word. I have found the secret to gaining many useful things is to forget about them, do without. I'm not an acetic type of person, I live life to the full. To use a line I want to “suck the marrow out of life.” Yet the past few years have taught me more about how to make something with less. I still plan to enjoy everything coming my way, but I know how to stretch it further. Today started out fairly normal. Actually it started out shitty, literally. I woke up because the cat pooped on the bed. With this start I got breakfast and went to work, only to find that my mp3 player hadn't charged. I pushed on though, I started singing. Things got better, I managed to turn around my lack of energy and produce well enough to coast the rest of the day. Then I went and got lunch. While I was sitting at lunch I got several calls. Another audit was one of them, but the important one was from my insurance agent, my fiance's uncle. He wanted to drive to me so I could sign some papers, so I said ok. I decided it was okay because I had time, I had just sat down with my lunch. He showed up, and after we took care of the insurance thing he offered to fix my whole house trouble. This has been an item of prayer for 7 months, and frankly I had come to the conclusion that God was going to let me dig out on my own. Which would have been fine, he was comforting me and he had allowed me peace about where I am.

So I'm still in a state of shock. In the past few hours I've gone over and over again, what did I do? Well the short answer is nothing because God's grace is the source of the blessing, not anything I earned. Yet I did hit on some major points, changes in myself that I think he's seeing, maybe the point of the trial.

The first major point is humility. The concept of turn the other cheek has been taken to a new level in my life. Previously it didn't take conscious effort to turn away from those who provoke me, now however I have been raw. In the same vein is suffering in silence, really I think this is the biggest change in the last 60 days. I read somewhere about suffering, about what God wants us to do when we are suffering. It said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to complain while we're waiting on him. It convicted me, because I've complained way too much. I decided to try and stop. I'm still working on it, but I'm still learning not to talk about my struggles. Not because I'm not open to help, if people ask or if it's relevant to the conversation, I might mention it.

The second major thing is trust. It has taken me years to realize that his plan is his plan. I'm not in charge, I'm not even on the list of people consulted in case of a decision. He has made it clear he's running things, and what's more, he knows what he's doing. It's led to an entirely different kind of relationship with him. I realize now I have to be grateful for what I get, because I can never deserve it. I mean I could have told you all this 5 years ago, but internalizing it has been my spiritual task for years.

So the question I keep asking is what now?

It would be so easy to fall back into thinking that this breakthrough means God is going to do xyz, at last, that I've been waiting for. That wasn't what worked though. God isn't the weather. Nothing this morning could have predicted this afternoon. Nothing.
I have to keep trusting him. I have to focus on today, today things are a little better, and I need to hold that close, enjoy it. Whatever comes next will come on it's own. For today, this is one grateful guy,
Max

when will life begin? (philosophical rambling)

I've been thinking about the concept of life, and it so called "beginning". When a happy couple gets married on the younger end of their lives they are "starting a life together". Same seems to go for leaving home and going to college. So what does that mean? Are we not alive before then? Of course not, but what do we mean by "beginning life"? It is my understanding that we are referring to the time when we are enjoying the experience of living as our life. Further evidence crops up when people say "my life is over". Which from a logical standpoint should be a very limited and rare phrase to hear. Yet because of the romantic notions that have become part of our culture we think life is over just because we get fired, lose all our possessions, or lose someone. Yet by saying "my life is over" you use your voice. This verifies that you continue to breath and therefor are not dead yet.

I'm starting to wonder if this romanticism is a bad thing. I mean, after Lindsay left I felt like I was dead, but I wasn't actually dead. Often I was quite high, and I managed to sleep quite a bit which is sort of a preview of death. After I slept though I ended up waking up, both physically and metaphorically.
Here is how the dictionary defines life:
the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

See, nothing in there about state of mind or relationship with outside beings. Verification of life is not necessary to life. There are thousands, perhaps millions of unclassified living creatures on this planet. Yet they are alive.

I kind of feel like I wrote myself into an end earlier than I thought I would. I thought I could get at least half an hour of thinking out of this idea, but it's closed. I've said all I can say.

worship in the dark

I read something lately, and during one of my dark moments it really struck home. It said that the greatest worship we can bring during tests is to endure them with silence and humility. I've been trying to do that. So just because I'm silent don't assume my prayers are answered, I just realize that cursing the pain isn't submitting to him. Yes, it hurts. Yes I'll even admit I feel it's unfair, unjust, and more than is reasonable.
I serve a mighty and superb God though. The attacks are huge, but he's greater still.
This month I lost smoking, I suspect forever. After a year long fast I tried to enjoy a cigar. I didn't like it. The taste for it is gone. I don't know if I can explain what it's like to lose something you loved to do, just because your body won't go.... More a loss is a part of who I was. I liked smoking as a rugged individual, as a stance against the world. Yet I wonder if it wasn't taken from me on purpose. Now I'm not doing anything proactive to die. Maybe that means I'll live again. I think the best is ahead. I think that God's not done yet. More than that I think that God knows what he is doing, and whatever comes I trust him.

longing unfufilled

So much I long for, and so out of reach.
I have determined that the only happiness there is, if you can call it that, is finding a place of satisfaction within what can be had. There will always be more that could be, more to possess, more to do. That's the curse of the human condition.
Yet how can I satisfy myself when even the meager pleasures which I depend on are beyond my grasp. I long to play a simple game, yet my hardware fails me....  I long to write.... yet I'm stuck. I long for intimacy... my flesh refuses to act as I command it in every direction I go.
I long for a greater life, even though I have told myself OVER AND OVER that anything beyond my own ability to get is in the hands of God. A God who has no impulses I can observe about material desires. I am impotent even there, because my ministry has become so meager, compared to what it once was.
Sometimes I think he blesses us simply so we can regret that we didn't treasure the moments enough. Every time things go well I believe that he will bring still greater things to be. Yet even as I anticipate his glory what good he brought me is destroyed.
It can always get worse, and likely it will sooner or later. I don't want to be negative, but my frustration reaches such heights. No one appears to understand. Even when I explain in the most naked of terms, I am alone. What use is language when no amount of expressing brings me closer to others. As I browse my thoughts I find myself more and more amazed by the disappointing nature of other humans. Everybody is zealot for something, some for religion, others for money, but can no one be zealous for truth? For a better humanity? Is it too much to ask that we look beyond our simple lives and hope for a future? Ahh, but what is hope but a poor man's hope and a rich man's glory. And which am I? I am pragmatic and at times talented with money, and I was born to... a higher class. Yet I work a working class job. I fit better with the working classes than with the moneyed elite. I'm not even sure I want to understand the upper class. What kind of person can enjoy a feast while the common man starves? I mean of course philosophically, food isn't out of reach as a practical matter.

I have walked through over 100 yards with empty beautiful pools this summer. I have seen poor children playing in sprinklers. See the contrast? The public pools are either overcrowded or shut down, and even the private pools(semi private) are packed... and unsatisfying.

Who am I? I don't know anymore. I thought I was important, to God, to humanity. Now I don't think so as much. I think I would be quite fortunate to be allowed to earn a decent living, despite my philosophical longings to ditch capitalism. My dreams are so far divorced from where I am. I dream of water in the desert, air on the moon, and ice on the sun. I am aware that God is able, yet I am also aware that nothing I do can bring his will faster, and his will may not be what I asked for, or even something I recognize.

After years of customer service and sales I become who-ever the people I meet want me to be. I find I cannot stop being kind, gentle and loving towards those I meet no matter how much pain I feel. No matter how far behind I am I will still stop to explain to a worried homeowner. Because I care for them. Yet it seems I care more for those than my Lord does to me. I don't refer to how much he loves me, for his thoughts and heart are his own to monitor, and how would I know them apart from what he tells me? Of course he loves me, it is his nature. I refer to care, the action. Love in terms of the verb. A man may love his children yet if he does not tell them, if he does not comfort them when they cry, if he does not feed them when they ask, how would they know? Yet we are told that God is capable of rewarding those that seek him far better than the ideal father of the story. I am told that refers to the holy spirit infilling our souls. As far as I am aware the holy spirit still dwells in me, though we disagree much more now than we did.

I suppose I'll try tithing again, even though it will slow my recovery.... I am just so tired. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of it being MY fault for being born into this situation, into this country, into this world. I'm tired of this frankly quite wonderful life showing it's backside to me. I'm tired of waiting. But wait I must, because though I am weak and so is my hope, God is strong where I am weak. Given my tiredness, my weakness, how strong must he be? Given his goodness..... I don't know what to expect apart from change, and a better life, or better yet no more torturous life at all. Even yet I still would prefer death to a small improvement. It would be a large improvement indeed if it could make me love life more than death.

Death is definite, it's coming and everyone knows that. Death means that the physical body which I struggle to maintain isn't my problem anymore. Most of all death means either judgement or nothingness, and I embrace either. I have attempted to be the best man I can in this situation, that would justify me in most eastern philosophies. I have followed God with all my heart, with all I am, and known Christ, which in my opinion covers the most likely situation. Finally I have enjoyed the most of this life, which justifies me if there is nothing at all, the next most likely situation.

Where your treasure is

Today I met a man who had worked for over 40 years, owned 9 car dealership and had a house worth half a million dollars (in my city that's like a multi-million dollar house.) In his garage he had two perfectly restored chevy Bel Aires. Every gate in (and out) of his yard was locked tight.

It just struck me as.... well I'm not going to judge it for him, but I can't imagine being there. I left sales because I wanted to DO something for a living. I couldn't imagine owning a bunch of car dealerships... basicly existing to make money. It's so... I don't know what. At that moment I turned to God and said "and that's why I won't be making 5 million dollars on my current path, not the usual way". Money isn't my treasure, there are other things far more precious. Family is the sappy but true response, but me time and my hobbies are also nice. I enjoy thinking free, and there is nothing as freeing as not submitting to other's motivation system. Having enough and being happy with it is the greatest revolutionary move in capitalism. The whole economy relies on people not being satisfied. Start finding happiness with what you've got, and it has to find a new way in.

Life in the shadow of hope

I've been thinking about writing out a list of rules and reminders about how to stay alive when there is no future, the past has nothing to lend, and God remains silent.

Things like "Love yourself, no one else can do it as well as you."

The problem is though that I am completely unsure if anyone else lives in this particular relationship to Reality and the Creator of Reality. Other "Christians"(both of the actual follower of Christ variety and followers of the religion associated with Christ) seem to have a different set of values for how things work. There is some sort of logical abyss where it makes sense to ask for things from someone who so far has shown no inclination to do things on the magnitude you ask(apart from in distant history).

I'm well aware he CAN move mountains. But if I said "Hey, God, check this mountain out. It's a horrible problem for the faithful, could you move it" The answer would likely come sometime next century, if at all. More than likely I would be left to interpret his silence. Here is what Oswald Chambers has to say about his silence: http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-silence%E2%80%94-then-what/

I did not have that article when I started writing, but see how what I observe exists even here? It is from God, surely it is wonderful. Surely indeed all things that come from God are good because theologically he cannot do anything else. He doesn't dole out punishment because it isn't in his nature. Yet the gap exists between what God considers good and worthy and what I as a human being do.

I suppose my ego is too large yet for the kingdom of heaven, for I still believe that if my leg is cut off I cannot walk, and if I have not resources I have no testimony or ministry. Yet God does not appear (again we are interpreting silence) to acknowledge reality as I know it. What I consider challenges are not to him. How could they be when he has the power at hand to solve them at a word? But they are to me. I'm WELL AWARE that he will work a wonderful plan out. Wonderful that is for the Glory of God. Not for the relief of Max. Fuck Max, he's just a fucking human who has submitted his life to the almighty. Silly stupid mortal, as ignorant as a screwdriver, but useful to dick around with now and then.

See, I have not succeeded in divorcing my spiritual being from my carnal desires. I yet would like edification of mind and body and God yet remains silent and still on the surface. God does not appear to concern himself with the realization of hopes and dreams, not the ones that involve a better life for the human involved. Too selfish perhaps, and are we not called as followers of Christ to give up all and follow him? How does that work for a religion of almost over a billion to live as nomads to material goods, to homes and families and jobs? I am willing if I could but see a way.

As I was saying.... I'm unsure if anyone else has to put up with this situation. Then it ends up coming to ego and paranoia. My personal belief on paranoia is that it is far too complementary to my self importance and ego to believe that any large amount of humans are personally concerned with bothering with me. So the net result is that if something is over complimentary to my ego it must be the less likely situation.

Now my present situation is a problem. I can immediately come to the conclusion that I am not the first to feel betrayed and abandoned by God. Even Christ felt that way, as did David, Solomon, and of course Job. This does not mean that my situation has bearing on other people's. The thinking is that God is better than to do this to large amounts of people. Heck I could take the lack of feedback on this blog as a sign that while others observe my situation they find no relevant material within. God be praised perhaps I am the only person at the moment alive who has the concurrent situation of knowing that there is a God and being spurned by him. Others perhaps would have given up on God. If I could I would. It's like if I could point a gun at my head and fire I would, because it's a good fucking idea. Unfortunately neither are compatible with who I am. Others still would have received an answer from God. Ah, answer is not the right word. He answers every prayer. Visible response perhaps?
I don't know. I'm so sick of him. This is familiar, because we can love and yet be utterly sick at the sight of someone. Sometimes in the past I have been fed up with my family members. Yet I still love them. I still couldn't imagine life without them. It pains me to dislike my creator whom I love (remember Love is a choice), I long to reconcile. The road is unclear. I don't think that I can reason my way out. It's a matter of the heart. So I must continue to seek him, beg for his healing and wisdom. One day I will find wisdom, because even though material matters are not important, wisdom appears to be important even to God. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also, and wisdom is treasure beyond any other. None can remove wisdom that has taken root.

Perhaps I need to return to the root of the tree of why I made my request, so that I could seek with all my heart and mind. So that I would not need to be concerned with petty work, strained by petty finances and surrounded by those that would take my safety from me. Maybe in understanding why my heart longs for that I can figure out how to regard his silence.

correction to yesterday's post

I would go back and edit, but this is a log of my progress, yesterday already exists as a moment in time. God has pointed out that I do in fact depend on him. I can't dispute that. He's become an integral part of my functioning. My point stands that he doesn't have to be.

Consider this a cautionary tale, when you enter into contracts with those more powerful than you. This is my testimony, if you can do without God, or do with very little God, do that. More God does not fix a damn thing, it just leads to knowing you're wrong when you rebel, knowing you fall short, and loving him despite his continued..... emotionally unstable behavior. He does alot, he helps me find stuff, he provides easier work and more pliant people, but it comes at a cost. His mercy and grace cannot be denied, anyone who has lived with it must admit it. Doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean he gives a damn about my goals, or desires. Not even what I thought were my needs. He cares about keeping me alive to use later, and his grand plan. He hides behind the claim that it is all for my good... which we'll be able to verify or deny when actual proof appears. As of now I am infinitely more tired for his meddling. I regret much more, when I once lived without the pointless emotion of regret. I feel guilt when I'm contrary to him. I have become humble in my way towards him. Yet I am still me, and the part of me that remembers what pleasure felt like misses not needing him.... actually what I miss is not being tortured and promised things that may be delivered at a future date. I am still holding to that I put more on the line in this relationship. I am at his mercy and I take all the risk. He remains all powerful, always right, and would not hurt(well, be damaged, I have no idea if he can feel pain, the bible claims he can) if I could turn from him.  There are no random or directed attacks which can threaten is existence on this plain. He is, he's a fact in the universe, not something that exists temporarily.
I just wish knowing him made things better. I wish I had never gone this way, but as I am at full commit, and I hold to MY word, this is my path. Don't go this way, it's crap, go make lots of money... at least you'll get cool cars and houses. I just get creative new ephemeral sensations and experiences that vary from pleasurable to painful beyond my previous definitions of pain. God has made sure I learned more of pain that anyone born to my station EVER would have been. And I thank him, because thanks to him I can tell you don't. Thanks to him I can tell you that Taoism and drugs offer as much peace,  materialism offers more immediate rewards, and worship of self means you'll always have a loyal friend. God's rewards are mostly transient and out of reach in this reality. In the next world... we'll see I suppose.

into the unknown

I don't know where I am anymore. I had to let go of everything. To start with I'm a pretty detached fella, I have an escape plan that I'm slowly putting back together... more on that another time. I've just reached a point with God that.... it's not that I don't believe, I just don't fucking care anymore. I believe he can do anything, but what fucking difference does that make to me? If he doesn't do it, it doesn't make even the tiniest difference.

Here is the breakdown of the problem: requests. I had lived under the impression that God, having the power and the will would provide something better in terms of lifestyle. Turns out the verses I was resting that belief on... weren't about what I thought they were. I often quoted a part of Luke (the ask, seek, etc verse), and it turns out that was about the holy spirit. The "don't worry about stuff, I got it" verse talks about letting go of earthly possessions, where your treasure is, so will your heart be. So I can't allow my treasure to be a... THING. Which pretty much leaves moments, memories, experience.

I find him.... unnecessary in my personal life given a number of facts: The existence of certain quite effective mind altering drugs. My own self confidence which does not require a deity to verify it. In fact if I was seeking for my self worth his response to me would show me how little worth I have. He just doesn't have anything for me at the moment.

Every miracle I have tracked down in the present documented time period is explainable by will power. I've lost count of how many times I have heard of God finding someone a job.... when they are looking for a job. If you get what you are looking for while you are actively looking for it, that's simple cause and effect. Cause leading to effect isn't a miracle, that's part of the nature of time. Same for finding a great spouse.

I still believe in him, and yes I have experienced his work and influence. However even though we can assume that given his control over matter and the universe in general, money and resources seem to be very much something he is not interested in. Security either, probably because it lessens people's dependence on him. I can appreciate that in general, but here's the problem: never manipulate a manipulator. Sure it works short term, but long term they're going to figure it out. As a student of the nature of the mind I look for weakness. My weakness is the most suspect of all. I actually do very little breaking others down anymore, most of my manipulation is keeping them from manipulating me. Further he doesn't NEED to manipulate me through pulling strings, we have an ongoing agreement that if he ASKS directly for something he gets it from me.

Sometimes relationships require boundaries. If I need to draw this boundary I will. This is of course all analysis based on the current situation, 5 years of waiting for an answer, no answer. My belief is not required for his word to come true. Evidence is in the situation of Abraham, Sarah laughed and got pregnant anyway. Abraham doubted to the point that he went and got someone else pregnant. I don't know how to avoid the obvious mistake, which is trying to make God's plan happen yourself when God has a plan. All I can do is pray for doors to shut in directions of me trying to take his place.

Granted, and this is just a logical problem, it is awfully hard for God to be God in a situation when he and his "timing" take so long that people will find other things to do. I mean if God promised you a car, the perfect car, would it be sinful to go buy a car to get by? I don't know, I'm not God. I am however used to figuring things out on my own. I just miss being used to my fullest ability. I mean, I like any work (in general), but this is nothing compared to being top of my game. There's nothing to compare to working somewhere that you are the best at what you do. The work itself is the reward. I'm not saying I want to do that work again, I already mastered it... so there was nowhere on that road left to go. I haven't mastered the whole gas industry yet, there are still places to go, so until something better comes along I'm going to do it, it is more profitable (monetarily) than anything I've ever done in my life. Less work (especially mentally) for more money.... I don't know what I would do had I the choice between fulfillment and money.... probably depends on the fringe benefits. For example no amount of per diam pay would be enough to make me enjoy living in this house, in this neighborhood for life. Same goes for fulfilling work(because I have had the most rewarding work I've ever heard of, and it didn't make me want to stay here). I won't know until I'm there... and I can't be sure I ever will be.

My intelligence is a resource that can be counted on, and one thing you can bank on is that my mind will dig a way out of WHATEVER trap you put me in.

how's this for weird?

Here's my weird past 24 hours, highlights:
Existential angst... didn't want to go back to work, or even be in Oklahoma... etc
Had a real 'come to Jesus' moment with my spirituality in which I realized that while I long for a spirituality like David, Joseph, Samuel, or even Solomon... Job and Jonah are the ones I'm closer to.
I'm not saying I don't seek God with all I am like the first four (well, at least three). I'm saying that what defines spirituality is two part: how you treat God and how God treats you.
Reading Job, I identify with it. I feel that agony, though I do manage to escape from time to time and praise God despite my problems. Another thing I realized is that you can love God and absolutely hate your life. You can hate God's plan and love God. Because we know that God represents justice, love, and that he can (and often will) bail us out. At some point hopelessness though I had to accept that he might not save me this time. I begged for death and at the same time felt no bitterness. Life has been good. Not NOW, not recently. I totally agree with Job that I would prefer that God had killed me off before my life started than letting it end this way. My point is however that even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I love him. I don't need him to save me in order to love him. Note what I'm saying: my love for him doesn't depend on  his miracle. I absolutely need him to do that. Yet I understand now that what I need doesn't always fit into the plan. People die, people never see the sun again, and all those people God loved too. People starve and get tortured, yet God still loves them. Can he do something different? Absolutely, as far as I know. Can he do what I asked him? Yep. Will he? Do I look like God?! How would I know? I think so, it seems like a good idea to me. It's his show however. I could fill a book with all the different ways I've said this, different moods I've been in saying it, etc.
This morning a quote made me cry, and it popped into my head: "If I cannot give you comfort, then at least I bring you hope." Which is from the film Toys. It pretty much typifies what I feel like God is saying. I'm not even sure I understand.
The day was a complete slog, I pulled out what I had to.
The weirdest part? I'm kind of sad I'm not working tomorrow, and yes I could if I wanted to. I won't though, I have other battles to fight.

the war continues

I've stated it before, but it bears repeating that there is a major persecution of the poor in this country. Actually, I'm not certain about the rest of the country, but in Oklahoma the persecution is alive and well. My neighbors are using the city to attack me over that I can't fit my truck in my garage, and it's broken. There's a laundry list of complaints which amounts to "stop trying to pay the bank back, stop fighting ALL your other battles or we'll load more debt on you"

I've been working, fighting, praying, and I don't know what else to do. If I was alone I would buy a gun and kill myself, right now. I would rather put a bullet through my head than live in this awful place with these terrible people. But since I have people who would miss me I'm not allowed that luxury. God has some reason for forcing me to stay alive. Forcing me to live here. I wouldn't call it hell, there are nice things here. It's just soul crushing, and that's not the chemicals talking, it's that I've been fighting for 5 years to stay alive and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like it's me vs the world. I'm tired of having to stretch my faith to believe God will have an answer for this hopeless situation. I'm tired of needing other's prayers, when answering the first prayer I prayed 5 years ago now, fulfilling the vision he gave me would make all the other needs filled. He has the ability, he has the will, we just keep waiting on the timing.

News flash, I don't know how to last long enough to reach his damn timing. It seems like this waiting will last a lifetime, and I don't know how long before mine runs out. It's all I can do some days to keep from stepping into traffic. Does he care? Of course... yet what are his actions? Heck if I know, I just work here.

What point is there?

I feel totally empty. I'm sick of this stupid thing. I didn't estimate right and now I'm plodding along, doing as well as I damn can and it doesn't make a difference. I'm waiting for God to show and it's been 5 years, it could be another 15, it could be 35, it could be longer than I'm going to live. I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired of existing. I'm tired of being just a sack of rock waiting to be processed. What's left to do? Seriously. I've bought every damn thing I want to within my income ability. I've had as much sex, drugs, parties, good times, bad times, I'm just totally at my fill for this particular situation. I don't want anymore.

Waiting. Waiting to die, waiting to live, waiting and hoping. Hoping and crying. Alone.

The claim: latest in the saga of my ex wife

She had the balls to come to my mom at her office, to complain about how hard this situation has been on her. Now here is where it gets interesting, my folks think she's full of it but one thing stood out. Her new husband stands to lose his security clearance if SHE gets pulled down with me. If true, well it's about as good as it gets as far as potential revenge. I have long enjoyed knowing that if I fall she gets pulled down with me, credit destruction and all. Given that I don't NEED to survive this, I find joy knowing that for once bad things will happen and she would pay for it.

This is greater justice, if I do fail, her whole damn family is going down. I mean it's not QUITE an eye for an eye (that would mean she lost her sanity and vision for the future.... or death, I still hold that death is kinder than what she did to me). Yet it is something.

It does not change my plans in the slightest for a few reasons. Reason one is that I don't intend to fail. I intend to win. I'm still betting on God to pull out the big guns. The best revenge of all is winning. The best revenge I can ever pay her is for her to see how much better my life is now. How her cruelty led to my spiritual quest. And how my spiritual quest led to greater things. That will reward me much greater. And it is more certain to hurt any part of her with feeling left for me.

Reason two is that who knows if it really would ruin her family. Frankly I don't care, the only news I want to hear from or about her is her imminent demise or divorce. Neither seems likely to happen (though I'm certain that losing his security clearance caused some friction in their marriage). I also have an idealistic view of the thing. That's actually the third reason. She needs to set up her own fall. Then everyone she has hurt can laugh the pure laugh of "Yeah, that can happen when you fuck up other people's lives".

And of course it's possible she's sought out forgiveness from God. I've tried to forgive her, and it will be more final when I finally never have to hear from her again. In which case, who cares. She's a damaged person who damages others... aren't we all? Yes, she did a particular number on me, but I did choose to let her into my heart and my life. My mistake. I've spent my life trying to atone for it by loving others, and telling my cautionary tale. One day I will be grateful for it, the day I win, and I can see that every step towards winning started with what she did. The scars become markers of the road to glory. Only God can turn hurt into victory, and turn our failures into testimony. I believe that day is coming. I've been waiting 5 years and I'm further than I was.

Terrorists vs the rest of us

I know I've ranted about this before, but as long as they keep doing it I'll keep ranting over it. Republicans in congress are once again threatening to shut the government down, this time over planned parenthood. So, in case you are missing the logical gap here:
What they are saying is that how unhappy they are that women can receive healthcare that they are willing to hold the country hostage, AGAIN. HOW THE FUCK DO WE KEEP ELECTING THESE CLOWNS? I'm not an ultra liberal, I don't think democrats are always right, and I don't like Hillary Clinton. I'm not even the most out there feminist, though I do want equal pay and equal access to health care. However this is a trend, using terrorist tactics over healthcare. What they are saying, in essence, is that they will shut down everything if they don't get their way. Is this an appropriate way for an adult... a LAWMAKER?! to act?! I say "LAWMAKER?!" because it is questionable to call republican senators lawmakers. That's like calling a butcher a cow breeder... They're just terrorist trolls.
Here's another funny thing, Donald Trump has jumped on the bandwagon. He has made his public policy if there is an awful thing to say, be it racist, generally bigotted or ill advised he's going to be the furthest out there.
So my advice to them? Do it, show us all what terrorist assholes you are. Eventually we'll get you out of office. Keep going further, because it's going to get bad before people won't put up with it anymore. If Trump wins the nomination he'll automatically have a respectable chance of being elected president. Then we'll find out what it's like having a president further right than George W Bush. Gold sales will go up (and I wouldn't doubt that Trump is well diversified in Gold). Wait, that's it, I cracked the code. Trump is not actually interested politics. He just bought tons of stock in things that go up when a huge fucking recession hits, and the only way to be SURE it happens is to run for president.

Well, at least someone will benefit, right? I mean it's not like our country cares enough to fight this. Honestly it's like the whole country has clinical depression and keeps electing people to try and kill itself. Then it comes out for a few years and tries to recover... but some inner part just loves the look of that gun. It loves the look of that Trump (or Bush) recession. Sometimes it's easier to be sick. 

Help

I need prayer. This is a fact. I don't know how many who read here have an active prayer life, but even if you don't the fact remains. I feel like I'm in way over my head. I don't want to talk about it on Facebook... because people who want to counter my actions monitor me there.

I received direct confirmation today that God provides. He provided me tools. He helped me on a very tough day and I survived an audit by our parent company. Every step of the day he was with me, I realize now to prepare me for this. He wouldn't have prepared me for this unless he had a plan for guiding me through. Please. Your prayer will make a difference.

stumbling forward

5 years later and it still hurts. My ability to trust was irreperably damaged. My heart ripped out of my body. 5 years later and I'm still waiting for life to make sense again. Still waiting for the God I thought I knew to return. In this wasteland, yet does God waste anything? I'm told no.

I feel like a zombie, I should have been dead so long ago, what am I doing walking around? I want to not care, but I can't be so cold. I want to act like I'm broken, but he had to heal me... I had to be a good steward of what I have. Why do I feel like I've screwed up so bad, when every step of the way I've made the best choice I could, given what I knew at the time.

Maybe I'll never have it figured out. Maybe I'll be waiting, stumbling, falling and fumbling until I fall into the grave. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm an adult human with way more education than my economic situation deserves. I made the choices. I married the woman, I bought the house, I didn't go to college earlier. I turned down the drugs in high school. I focused in the wrong area, not once but many times. The whole time I prayed, but it seems I prayed the wrong prayers.

I keep hoping he'll make it all make sense. I keep hoping today will be the day. Not because it makes sense. It doesn't make sense. Love doesn't make sense. Faith doesn't make sense. But after a lifetime of making choices that made sense at the time, it seems like being reasonable isn't that much of a ground to stand on. I feel so lost, and only one can lead me out of the wilderness. Only one can take my hand and lead me home, to a peace on earth. To tranquility and a place where dreams are more than just dreams. He can do more than even I can think of. My heart still long and hopes to see it happen.

EU law compliance

Apparently blogger uses cookies to track stats. It also appears that the EU has passed a law that I need to let you know that. So I just did. I didn't build the platform, and I don't know if you can see the notice blogger claims to have put up. This is my due diligence. If you don't trust google then don't browse blogger, or youtube... or any google site. 

The other side of the swing

This blog essentially exists to document my.... journey of the mind. Which sounds more exciting than it is. Realistically most of my brain cells are occupied with 3 things:
Minecraft
Harry Potter (this month, last month was the Foundation series by Asimov)
Anodes and hitting quota

However I do despite my inane existence still have idealistic values, spiritual development and dreams. Today marks some interesting points.
1. First new area in over a month. I got sent to south Tulsa today, though I'm still clearing north Tulsa.
2. I hate my feeble and meaningless day to day.
3. Somehow I totally trust that God will find a way.

The third is the most interesting to me. I remember quite clearly feeling total doubt as to his interest or ability to change or effect my life. Yet now I don't feel that way. Not even a little. In disregard to the facts of the matter that on the surface nothing is changing, my faith remains.

I've come to view this as a marathon that will end with either success or death. Days, weeks, months and even years may be viewed as legs of the journey. The funny part (or the deadly soulsucking part, depending on which side I'm on) is that we have no idea how long this journey will last.

I have stated in the past in both moods that the greatest comfort is that there is an end to the journey. It must be added that the greatest frustration is the lack of knowledge or even tools to gather knowledge as to length of... well sentence. It is much as a prison sentence. I'm trapped against my will..... I don't want to wallow.

At times such as today I feel most positive and affirmative as to the action of the Lord. As previously pointed out this is in the face of evidence. When such a mood takes me I am inevitably drawn to the conclusion that God's action is coming shortly. My duty is to observe that though I have felt so many times, the action has still yet to be. So that we must observe that my conclusion of the immediateness of his love is a creation of my mind, or at the very least a bit of misinformation directed to undermine my relationship with the Lord.

It of course does not need to be immediate. First off I'm quite good at self preservation despite my crying to the Lord to free me from certain agony, the agony is mental, the imprisonment is philosophical and his action seems far more tied to the actual nature of things.

The nature of the journey is more related to ancient sea voyages than a road trip. There is no damn map. The distances though definite are not able to be traveled at a constant speed. In fact I am entirely surrounded by fog. I don't know if I am in the windless place in the center, if I am near the beginning as I remain quite young, or very near the end.

So, yeah. God's got it figured out and one of these days I will get out of him something definite. I might be dead and standing judgement, but even standing judgement would be something definite wouldn't it? It is my eager hope that as I have attempted to seek him he will look kindly on me. Better still would be as I put my faith in Jesus that he would see clear to overlook my mistakes.

And there you are.

Towards spiritual oubliette

The outside world is nothing to me. Once again for at least the third time in my life I descend and drop out of the world. Here are the steps for anyone else wanting to:
Step 1:Escape
Find things to totally occupy your thoughts. It can be anything. Books are great, so are drugs, sleep, sex, rock and roll, you get the idea. For me it is books and video games. This isn't to be confused with actually being enthusiastic about the escape item. The escape item allows the user to be dead to the world. The escape item keeps a healthy mind occupied when trying to have a normal life would be madness.
Step 2:Detach
Let go of everything you thought mattered. Sometimes we can't let go of our..... day to day habits. Like work. But if you have planned well these things don't require emotional involvement. The ironic thing is that the less emotionally involved you become the easier things go outside.
Step 3:maintain
 This is the hardest step. Every day you have to get up and continue not to give a shit. Every time someone tries to compel you to care, don't. Every time you have to give up a substance you have to keep the same lack of involvement. Change is unavoidable. Caring is. Living is.

We're all just drifting through, cast aside tools of a Deity beyond our comprehension. What is a faithful man to do? A faithful man is as meat that must be kept fresh. Working the meat keeps it fresh. Freezing is also an option. When the owner of the meat is not hungry, it must be preserved. "One day" the meat says to itself "One day I will be of use."
As long as we draw breath there is hope, but hope unfulfilled is deadly.
 Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Our duty is to faith. Our duty is to do the best we can with what we have. The best I can is to retreat. An answer will come. Even if that answer is death, an answer that will still be. If I die without anything productive then there are two possabilities:
A life of faith is futile(because we can't know until it is over)
I never understood, despite seeking wisdom I was wrong beyond wrong about what life was about.

As I said, retreat into the oubliette of my soul. Perhaps I will find enlightenment in the wilderness, perhaps I will die there. Either way interesting times lie ahead.

Where relationships go wrong

Many years after my divorce and I still keep going back to what went wrong. Of course it wasn't just one thing, it was multiple things.

I was listening to a book and some guy completely screwing up a date. I'm not saying it was ALL his fault, there was irrationality on her side. The point is that I recognised the mistakes because I made them. The problem was expectations. I picked this up at a marriage seminar I went to 6 months before mine imploded. It would appear that there are two keys to a successful relationship: communication and expectations.

When I was a younger man I did not have a clue how women worked. Today I still don't, but I understand some rules. Honesty is a big fat pile of horseshit, for starters. I'll elaborate: when I think honesty I think Boy Scout classic rules of chivalry style honesty. It ONLY works if you always do every little thing the way you want others to see it.

The big mistake I made with honesty is oversharing with Lindsay. By the time we'd known each other a year she knew every secret and where all the bodies were buried, and I thought I knew the same amount about her. I don't think I did, I think she edited because in my experience almost everyone edits. Women in my experience are attracted to a sense of mystery. I ruined all of it way too early.

The kind of honesty that works(apparently) is what I call "answer any question" honesty. I have sworn an oath to be honest and not deceptive. I keep my promises. However just because I have to be honest doesn't mean I tell everyone everything. Sometimes I tell people most of the truth(customers and companies especially), with a good dash of that certain things are true from certain points of view. The rest I tell what I feel like and let them ask about anything else. I have more than a decade of adult life behind me, and it would take me years to tell all my stories. Most of my stories aren't even worth sharing(too depressing). To keep my honor pure I answer direct questions with true answers.

It started in recovery, a christian recovery if you can believe it. They told us in group that sharing completely was best done in group, and that our spouses and families wouldn't understand. It took years for this to make sense to me. I mean, my wife would understand everything about me... she's my wife... she loves me.... Love only goes so far, and marriage doesn't mean unconditional support anymore. Part of growing up is learning just because one person has honor doesn't mean anyone else does.

Expectations though are the real big guns of relationships. Take my current set up. My fiance expects a level of emotional involvement I can do any day. She expects a very rational level of support and intimacy. She loves me very much.  I expect rational things of her, she does her best, and I love her very much.

Things weren't always so, because I didn't know how to set the expectation. The minute the first date starts expectations are in flux. Most of it is unspoken and I call it "the relationship contract". Where guys get caught up is trying to impress a lady. They pull a politician move and promise high. Which will impress and catch a certain kind of lady. I have never understood some men's attraction to spoiling naive women. They are convinced they need to lie to go to bed with a lady. I have never needed to lie to go to bed with a woman, though I've met a few who lied to me.

When you're setting up the relationship contract who you are is on the table. Women are attracted to confident men. Confident men see what they want and go for it. If you try for the big sale but aren't selling what is essentially you, women can sense it. Some will give you the time to prove them wrong, but even then you're running against an impossible standard.

If you say you have money, they're going to want you to pay for things all the time. If you portray yourself as compassionate they expect you to be in touch with their feelings. Many of them start building out a narrative of expectations they have. They want a house, they want kids, they want you to buy them a car. As soon as you step off script it is very hard to regain footing, if not impossible.

Summing it up, don't promise what you can't deliver. There are plenty of women out there who all you have to say is something to the effect of "I like sex, you are very attractive and I would enjoy doing it with you. I don't intend to form an emotional bond or relationship, let's just have some fun." Believe it, I've done it and it works(worked, I've been in a relationship for a few years, but women don't change.)