I was thinking about what I just wrote and I realize it sounds like I hate where I am or who I am. That is simply untrue. I think where I currently am is one of the most liberated states I have ever experienced. Sometimes when I reach rock bottom it's great, because there is no pain that can be greater. This leads to a kind of euphoria. Imagine laying at the bottom of a deep hole which you can never imagine a way of climbing out. You look up and see the most beautiful blue sky you could ever see. There are two ways to view that blue sky. You could resent it. How horrible that I cannot run and play on this beautiful day.
I for one prefer a different approach. I look at the beautiful world without as I am dying inside. I look around as I realize it may be the last time I get to. Further at last I can revel in the joyous notion that I could not be doing a thing better. What a terrible fate you healthy folk have. You have to make the best of what you have. You will always wonder if you are doing the best you can with what you have.
Yet I am singularly blessed. I cannot waste what little I have. The horrors I have been through have stripped away all guilt. All I can do is either address the pain that defines me, or observe the pleasures of a world that left me behind. You who experience them will never know how sweet they are by comparison. Your mouths are blinded by excessive sweets and your eyes are dulled by the wonders you take for granted.
One day death will come for you and you will not see it coming. You will suddenly realize that you did not cherish what you had while you had it. I speak to my metaphorical opposite, for I know no one so crass as to be completely ignorant of death. Yet few can count non being and death as familiar companions. Not many have withstood encounter after encounter with the abyss. This is my blessing. I choose to focus on that which I have and that which I am. I can't be anything or anyone else.
I for one prefer a different approach. I look at the beautiful world without as I am dying inside. I look around as I realize it may be the last time I get to. Further at last I can revel in the joyous notion that I could not be doing a thing better. What a terrible fate you healthy folk have. You have to make the best of what you have. You will always wonder if you are doing the best you can with what you have.
Yet I am singularly blessed. I cannot waste what little I have. The horrors I have been through have stripped away all guilt. All I can do is either address the pain that defines me, or observe the pleasures of a world that left me behind. You who experience them will never know how sweet they are by comparison. Your mouths are blinded by excessive sweets and your eyes are dulled by the wonders you take for granted.
One day death will come for you and you will not see it coming. You will suddenly realize that you did not cherish what you had while you had it. I speak to my metaphorical opposite, for I know no one so crass as to be completely ignorant of death. Yet few can count non being and death as familiar companions. Not many have withstood encounter after encounter with the abyss. This is my blessing. I choose to focus on that which I have and that which I am. I can't be anything or anyone else.
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