high standards

So there went another one not working out.
Every day it becomes more and more certain she's not coming back.... not that I'm shocked. Once more I'm reminded that maybe I should raise my standards. Not that they aren't high already, they just could be higher. This last one fit most of the standards I had set. She was Smart, Pretty and Sweet. Or so she appeared anyway.
And apparently the decision center of my brain let me break two BIIIIG rules because of that. One, the sex rules. It's supposed to be 6 months until sex, not one week. Also, no gifts..... really ever but not until we get some commitment out of the girl. But instead I bought her.... 70 bucks worth of stuff for christmas.... tack on a 100 dollar meal. Yes, you heard me right. This is the highest investment per one beautious sexual encounter since that beautiful post summer experience. I still vote the summer experience was the most enduring beauty.
The thing about where my life is now is the beauty is ALL that matters..... oh but she was a pretty one. The most beautiful woman I've dated. Bar none. Better go save a picture....
So I now have pictures of women numbers
1 (who is one year younger than me)
2 (same age as 1)
(missing number three... she wasn't remarkable and I suppose I don't NEED to remember) (same as 2)
(missing number four... one night... not remarkable in the least.... I don't know her name let alone need a picture. Granted I'll probably find it sooner or later.)
Alright I think I'm missing one, because I have picks of what I thought was mystic number 6 but now I suspect is number 5. I'm going to ask Nikki.... we'll find out later
anyway obviously just got picks of number six... whom I thought was 7......... geez.
Oh on that note she was also the oldest, 7 year age gap. Where the previous one was a mere 4 year gap..... Maybe that's the problem. My mom gave me a long lecture about how I'm too good for all this. She's right of course.
She seemed smart.... thought she might have accepted me.... but we'll never know now.
Anyway I wasn't thinking of it in those terms when it happened. I was thinking "here's a pretty girl who appears to care for me, and I'm starting to feel something. Grab that damn thing before she slips away."
So I broke the rules. And got too close too fast, and blew it right out of the water.

I've been listening to the soundtrack of My Fair Lady, and many of the songs are quite apt for my situation. "Why Can't a woman be more like a man" is probably my favorite, if it isn't then "Let a woman in your life" is it.
Aha, found her.... and I don't have any pictures of her on this computer. But yes, I found six, which means I am on 7.

Early musings on Passion

I better type fast, my memory is failing way too fast, and I've been musing on this topic for a few hours.

It seems to me that most men have two characters within them, possibly more, but when it comes to morality there are only two, the saint and the pirate. The saint is responsible for doing everything that is right but at the same time being selfless. the rewards of sainthood is merely rightousness for it's own sake, he may end up suffering for his purity and no one will defend his honor when he is. So says the world anyway and who am I to argue? As I was saying there are many flaws to being a saint, one of them is martyrdom. Another major flaw that people overlook is that if you exibit one human flaw, be it smoking, sex, anger, greed or whatever else is considered "Wrong", your fall from grace will ruin you. Because you see saints aren't loved for who they are. They are loved because of what they are. Like a beautiful woman, and if that woman commits the cardnal sin of beauty, that being decay and aging, she is shunned and outcast.
The pirate, on the other hand, has no such worries. A pirate by definition does what he pleases when he pleases and when he does evil he smiles and laughs. On a rare occasion pirates have been displayed to have a fear or aversion to doing what is good. I don't believe that accounts for the personality of the rogueish man. Unless of course he is being that way to offset some shortcoming he should have no reason to be ashamed of doing what is right. He doesn't have to I suppose is my point. As virtue is not his defining characteristic his straying towards it doesn't hurt him. Sometimes it might even endear him to us.
So being a pirate carries considerable romance, at least to certain types of people, I am one of them. That isn't to say it's without it's problems. For instance the women attracted to that personality type or whom you can attain with that personality type are usually just in it for the sex. I suppose I should love that bit, but just because villainy dominates your very being does not mean you have no heart.

Something else troubling me is the idea of greatness.  I believe behind every great man is a great woman. Though I am every bit accountable for my failure to achieve greatness (yet), the lack of a reliable woman to care for me.  I suppose I feel I have always been destined for greatness. Perhaps my arrogance and ego is responsible for that. For one my general personality seems to me to resemble great men. I identify with Patton, FDR, Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut...... I'm sure there are more. Not one a christian man or described as virtuous. I suppose that is one of the contributing failures of my rightous life. Frequently I have considered the death of my marriage the near mortal wounding of what sainthood I might have been capable of. I hold to account the parts of my personality that are responsible for my failures, in particular of my marriage and of me reaching another girl I once loved (saw her today and wished her a merry christmas strangely. It seemed to cause her discomfort.) The failures in my personality exist in the part in my heart that always wanted the woman I loved to be happy. I suppose I must have wanted everyone to be happy. And yet no one liked that side of me. So I had to find a cure for that, that cure has been an extreme amount of emotional pain. Not that the side is dead.... but we all have hopes.

I heard a message the other day about how what you put in your brain is what comes out. It was part of a sermon of course and I know they were talking about porn and "poor morals" or whatever they are calling people that would rather have fun than abandon fun for virtue. Anyway they were going on about the wages of sin being death. And I had a thought "Well about time." I don't think he could tell sinners anything to make them happier, at least if they are from the same camp as me. Sin leading to death couldn't be better news. Because you fall from virtue because the virtue can no longer counter act the pain you feel. So you turn to sin, and the sin won't save you either. So then you're just waiting to die... unless of course you have little enough morals that you take yourself out.

I don't know what they are after right now. How can you convert people by taking away the thing they are after the most when they are tired and weak? If I'm happy I'm sure as heck not going to convert. And if I'm miserable I'm waiting for them to say something that would undo the years of damage, or at least make me believe there would be less squandered pain in the future due to that perhaps christianity isn't about painful virtue. But they can't do that. They're approach to me is "But you'll love being pure, when you're pure all your pain will go away." And I say  "BULL, if impurity caused pain then I wouldn't have been in pain to cause me to do things you label impure. That's like saying if you stop taking pain killers the pain will go away. Which is insane. If your leg is broken, nothing save healing time will make the pain go away.

------------------------

I suppose I also have issues with that no one loves me for me, it's almost always who I pose as. And not that I have a problem with the guy I pretend to be, he's a great guy..... but he isn't my fav person. I'm my fav. If I had my choice the me that is me would be out every day every week and he would never HAVE to go away. *sigh* I hate all this posturing about what a man is supposed to be. Fuck that.... I'm probably not even a fucking man anymore... not that I'm not masculine, I'm just nothing people expect.

It's me.....

So I'm going to say something notable, because you may have never seen me say such a thing, and may never again if I get the chance.
I'm the problem.
For as many times as I have acted as if the world is the problem for not being a more pliable place in reaction to my personality, today I have to admit I am more the problem.
As I said I met a girl.............. And it was wonderful, and now it's quiet again.
Not to say quiet isn't great in it's own way. Lots of time to get things done.... if I could just get her off my mind.
Yes I'm in some way falling for her.... in others I'm just in my own stupid little world. I long for the love and acceptance that JUST DOESN'T EXIST in this world.
I want devotion, like this:
<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5JVhbusBDi4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

But what I end up with is this:
<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/V2zcoHZVUwg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I don't know why my brain takes so long to deal with this.....
I hate this happening at the holidays.... which is why I wasn't dating around the holidays.... being infatuated with a woman is a complicated situation.

I wish I could type more.... try to work out these feelings... I doubt I would find success for one. Two I feel likely to rant... and I don't want to rant against her. Because anger isn't what I feel. If anything this empty feeling is proof I care. I read somewhere that fear of loss is a sign of attachment, perhaps of love.
I hate that I'm the type of person who can type that a week after meeting someone. I would love to be slow to love.

My uncle died yesterday morning. He sat down at the contruction site he was working at and died of a heart attack...... He was 62.... 2 years older than my dad is now. The same age my dad's dad was when he passed. I'm not happy about this pattern. I am not ready to lose dad, not in two years not even in 10..... fuck I don't really ever want him to die but if he has to I want to be over 45 which would put him in his 80s........ On the other hand though.... it reminds me of my own mortality. 62 is young to me.... maybe because Dad is there now and still so young at heart. If I only had to live to 62 it wouldn't be such a terrible thing.... only 40 more years as opposed to 60. My uncle abused his body though..... he was a heavy smoker and drinker. And no one loved him or misses him, not even his children. Once maybe he had the chance but he wasted it. He ran away. Like his dad........ I'm not proud of this family history but it is a fact. I'm trying to start a dynasty of respectable men..... and it could be my heritage is getting in the way. I went over my family history and not one man until my dad was a decent individual. Not to say they did drugs or were poor, solidly working class all the way back. But as far as their choices towards women..... not exactly made because of wisdom is what I would say. It's as if my very flesh rises against me, and not in the traditional way (though that too at times), but from a genetics standpoint. I don't like the idea this could be a genetic trait. Because there is no behavioural or nurture trait to explain why I have made the mistakes I have...... I mean aside from that for various reasons in my childhood I did not feel it was right to follow my father's round about path to success.... with women anyway. There must be something and the root could be genetic. Or because I have a passionate nature.... as is evident in my anger which I have worked against much of my life but has come up much more recently.

Anyway.... exit on a song. I worry about things and frequently think about the future. This song seems appropriate:
<iframe width="853" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/96rC4X_KWl4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

oh my

I know.... cheesy title, but it's descriptive.
I just can't describe the polar shift from cynic to hopeful in the past 48 hours. It's great. It just feels like the end of the tour right now..... as far as the single life goes. I hope it is.
"At the end of the tour
when the road dissappears
if there's anymore people around
when the tour runs aground
and if you're still around
then we'll meet at the end of the tour

The engagements are booked through the end of the world so we'll meet at the end of the tour."

That song, by they might be giants, was released the year I was born, it carries so much weight as to my feelings about single life. Like single life is a meandering search, from meaningless venue to meaningless venue, entertaining and putting on a show. And all we want is for the road to dissappear, for the tour to run aground as they so eloquently put it. We want to go home to the arms of someone to love us. I think that's where I'm going, I hope. You know me to be a rational man, or at least I hope that comes across. I'm worried I might try to change, I don't want to, but I do want her.... in more ways than you know.
We kissed.... last night at this time we kissed our first kiss..... it was so wonderful.
She let me hold her so fast.... she needed me, and I guess I needed her.

Two travelers wandering through time
searching, tumbling stumbling blindly
like a drunk in the dark, searching for a light switch
That ever elusive switch
so close but yet so far
to provide an end to the darkness and confusion
but it has until presently remained elusive

Aha, the switch is mine, they both say at once
and suddenly, the light that has been so absent is suddenly abundant.
The glass that had been empty is full
and the confusion that had been blinding is gone

Gone are the lost hours of anger and pain. Gone are all the doubts in humanity, in hope, in God even.
Suddenly anything is possible, and even if it wasn't
Life has become so wondrous that it seems the world is full of magic
the eyes that before saw only darkness
can now see the beauty that life holds

Now two travelers join hands
and travel together
There may be darkness ahead, there may be confusion again
but one thing is sure, they will never be alone.


She does things to me, good things....... I feel like a teenager sometimes.

masculinity, the male ego, and it;s effects

So I rarely say wonderful happy things. At least not on here, this is a traditional venting mechanism, as there is no one in my life that can possibly listen to all I have to say.
This is my last smoke of the semester. a semiofficial end to a time in my life.......
I mean of course of this kind of fake.... I'm not going to get into fake but it was introduced to me by a young lady who claimed to love me. This happened twice in the last six months. This is a triumph in a number of ways.
that I can evoke this kind of feeling
Damn that I'm that good to ensnare two women who feel enough to fake a major moving emotion
One or two beautiful nights. I'm just now rediscovering the night at the lake. God I wanted her. And got her..... what a high. You know if I become single in the long term sense, a confirmed old bachelor per se. Then I would take up searching for such short term joy for the rest of my life, perhaps how to turn it into the long term happiness that I so long for. A modern day cassanova if I can, intellectual and passionate.

So speaking of I'm realizing more and more the male ego is based on masculinity. Yes I am actually masculine, moreso all the time. It's addictive in it's own way, I pity men who lose it. Though the feminine is beautiful at times, even mysterious at it's best.... it's not addictive to me in any way. I was born to conquer.  paraphrase from battlefield earth: "I was born to be out there conquering galaxies not playing baby sitter to this MINING COLONY"
Men desire to dominate, conquer and control their world. I suppose all humans do, but men do it SO DAMN BLATANTLY. Intellectuals do it by understanding everything in their universe. muscle men do it by being strong enough to lift things, pushing the limits of their body and using that body to control their universe. Everyone does it. But fashion.... it does it with fabric... let's ignore the bizarre horror story of the past 50 years in men's fashion, at least all others than high fashion.

The tie, the root of all men's high fashion for the past 300 YEARS, came from the military. These mercinaries used early cravats to hold their suits closed. Then the french took it up, it developed into the necktie and bowtie. It came from the MILITARY, like most men's fashion.  You don't get more fucking manly than going in and roughing a country up. I'm going to learn to wear a bowtie. And a tux. Someday I want a suit with tails in purple.
The jacket's sharp lines say "Look at me, I'm in control"

before we continue about the masculinity of fashion

lets look at the masculinity of smoking. Men have spent so much time on the fashion of smoking that the past 20 years turning away from smoking in my mind is a crime against ART. To begin with smoking is a tradition dating back to the beginning of time. To the cradle of civilization in the middle east, where all smoking started with the hookah. What is that attached to in our minds? Rich Sultans, the most in control men in their world. I want to study how on earth society stayed so old in such old countries. Civilization STARTED in egypt. Yet the most culturally developed country in the world is either france or england, neither because fully civilized until 5000+ years later. and they didn't stay civilized until later. Anyway smoking represents mysticism, conquering natures forces, both chemical and real, such as fire.  Every form of smoking has had it's romance period..... however when men have tried to use tobacco other ways (chewing tobacco) it didn't do so well. There's no romance in chewing, though it is much harder in my humble opinion.

Fashion and smoking go side by side. Every look has it's appropriate smoke, all the good ones anyway. The great suits have a cigar or cigarette to go with them. Mostly cigars and rich men go hand in hand.  pipes and the cultured man go hand in hand. cigarettes and the american cowboy. Weed and college kids.

political rant

I'm posting this here because most of the people around me would have issues with my political ranting. They hate when I'm right is my theory. It's not easy being a liberal in the middle of a conservative state.
also I need to pump out my anger before trying to write a decent personal ad.
So I don't understand this country, I'll start out on that.
Somehow people think obama is going to lose this election. Let's look at the competition because I'm really trying to figure out how we could live in a sane world that would elect any of these loons:
Newt Gingritch: This is a man that independents and liberals have hated for two decades, and somehow he thinks he is going to get the independent vote. Yes he is smart, he's also a serial devorced republican wackjob who thinks being poor is what happens when you can't get a book deal, geez why can't everyone just cash in on being the speaker of the house like he has? He's a favorite among family values voters, because after all who believes in the sanctity of marriage than the guy that has done it four times? He's got 4 times the marriage belief and affairs of any candidate out there. Probably the reason Cain dropped out when his affairs started coming out is that he didn't want to get into a "Who's the bigger affair haver" contest with Newt. Because we all know Newt would win that contest.

Mitt Romney: He's an amusing candidate, because we all sense that deep down he has a brain. That brain hasn't figured out flip flopping more than John Kerry isn't going to be good for him. He makes Newt look steady, which is an accomplishment. If he had run as what we thought he was up until he started campaigning, a moderate, he would be able to take on obama. However like McCain before him, he has tried to absorb conservative issues and we all now hate him.

Bachman: She's crazy. She said the poor should stop taking hand outs and start dying. No wonder conservatives like her, if the poor were just dead then they could pave over the slums and put in that swimming pool they've been longing for. She is what would happen to Sarah Palin if she was drained of whatever folksy charm she has, and put in some more viscous rabid dog.

Ron Paul: Possibly the only interesting candidate, but he's not going to be elected. We've known he was nuts since the 2000 election. That's just where he belongs. God willing he will run as an independent to assure the republican loss in 2012

Now to round up the republican nuts off I want to adress the issue of a term the republicans seem to enjoy: "Millionaire job creators"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/10/small-business-owners-gop-tax-rates_n_1140467.html

look, many smarter people than I have proven pretty conclusively, millionaire job creators are a rather silly concept. Demand creates jobs, market pressures create jobs. Millionaires, if they did in fact create jobs, do it because there is demand for that job to be done. If millionaires create jobs, then why did we get into this recession? Think about when this recession started we has just gotten done with more than 7 years of policy favorable to millionaires. So where are the jobs? Or where were they then? Did the millionaires get scared because Bush was unpopular and likely to leave an environment where a black democrat could win the presidency? I doubt it, especially considering that if this recession had not occured we would probably be looking at a McCain presidency. Just the facts there for you.

Oh it looks like I forgot about Rick Perry, well so has america.

working up to it......

So this has been something I have been dwelling on lately, and considering there is no one for me to tell things to remember, and I do want to remember, I better write it all down.

I cry, not alot, but more than I would like. I guess it comes down to that I'm still very tenderhearted, dispite my attempts to beat it out of me. I think I always looked up to guys like the Fonz, or... tough guys I guess, Huey Long recently, FDR, heck even bad guys at times like Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin, heck I even probably have a spot in my heart for good old Castro. I like them because you look at them and you have to think, regardless of politics, that they knew who they were, these are all men that without a doubt never cried. I've hated my crying for over 10 years, because I've never found a situation it makes even a little better. My sadness drove away my wife, who would never hold me when I was sad, when all I wanted was for her to hold me. And I don't doubt it's part of why I'm unloved.
I keep thinking if only. Not the if only's of the past, those are gone. The if only's of what might be, if only I had the balls. I think what I really want is to do something truly monstrously villainous. It's like if I could just do something completely evil and not in any way justified by nobility, or kindness, or fairness, then maybe I wouldn't cry anymore. I just keep trying to kill this stupid sensitive man who obviously still lives in my heart. But I don't think I ever will.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I admire and wish to be a man who could do harm to women. Not like rape harm, there should be some lines never crossed. But like the emotional abuse that lives on in legends of horrible car wrecklike things men do to women. Things that make that woman never able to be with a man for the rest of her life. Why do I want that? I mean aside from the true evil bit. It's because on some level I feel like some women have it coming. And my bitterness would be amused to see them get what they have coming. I think my ultimate fantasy is that one day my ex wife's new hubby will find out that she's cheated, and he beats her within an inch of her life and she has to drop everything and run, and for there to be no one there to catch her or save her, she would have to run and deal with the rightous anger of a man scorned. It would be so beautiful, beautiful JUSTICE. Because that's usually how I deal with that I'm not a vindictive enough man to do the harm to people that they deserve, knowing that one day they will do what they did to me, but to someone who doesn't forgive, and that person will do some damage. Which comes back around to why I'm upset about my wife being fine and happy. Because where is the justice? She came out of the divorce unscathed, I don't think she cried a single day over me. She brushed me off like a bad dream.

What I'm not

Sometimes I think perhaps women's problem with me is that they think I'm gay. So I've started this list.

Even though:
I am literate, intelligent and well dressed
I like musical theater,
I do not enjoy monster trucks, or strip clubs
I am open about my sexuality,
I have feelings,
I have enough control over my penis to not have sex with the fat women who throw themselves at me,
I have no desire to date an obese woman,
Bimbos hold no attraction for me,
I have never played a sport that involves smacking another guys butt (Soccer and Football),
I don't follow professional sports,
I am a liberal, which in addition to meaning I support the gay community, is also a reason I'm not a christian according to the majority of "christians" in my state.
I don't believe homosexuality is a sin,
I am capable of listening to women,
I find the women available on the dating market remarkably disappointing,

Dispite all these things and more which might indicate that I lean towards homosexuality.
1. I have never had an encounter with the same sex, never so much as kissed or held hands suspiciously with a man.
2. I desire a woman for a life partner, which is rather shocking because as I said women are rather disappointing. I think I should go into this further. I grew up with a caring mother and father, very accepting and supportive, and they still are to this day. This might seem like it would give me a head start in the realm of having a healthy relationship. However because of one decision my parents made when I was far too young to think about the consequences to my romantic life I live in a region that seems to be devoid of intelligent, attractive women who are attracted to me. This is not to say women don't like me, on the whole most do. It has more to do with the great rule in my life: Many people like me, I'm not thrilled with most of them. Yes this is a horribly arrogant thing to say. But face facts, just because I'm nice to you, would stop and help you push your car if you are stuck, will go out of my way to be kind to you, and may appear to like you, I don't. I love you as christ commanded me to love my neighbor. But as you may or may not be aware you are required to love your neighbor, not like them. Being kind is what love is about. And I might add in my part of the country we are pretty much expected to be courteous. But doing the right thing doesn't make me like people, often it contributes to my utter disdain for them. When I meet a woman, lets say, and I shower her with my affections, am faithful to her for years on end, marry her, buy a house for her, buy her everything I can afford to show her I care, work myself so hard I suffer a nervious breakdown, and her response is to cheat on me, blame me for that cheating and marry another man.... which incidentally is against the moral code we both claim to follow.... it doesn't exactly raise my opinion of the species.

When a woman that  I find attractive responds to my advances by getting in a relationship with a man who is horrible, does inconsiderate things, and in general a worse pick than me (I'm not in a sugar coating mood here), it lowers my respect for the species. When people come in to where I work every day and act like they have a right to ignore their kids while they roam around making a mess of my workplace, they themselves make a mess of my workplace, and I do all this for minimum wage? That's not helping my opinion of humanity. Today I had the errant thought "if I keep working here and around other people's kids I'm not going to want kids, because having kids means you have to entertain their friends, and I hate other people's kids."
Anyway despite the many drawbacks that women have, I prefer women. Which generally means I'm not a homosexual. But if it makes you feel better, you can treat me like one, because on the whole I think that homosexuals are nicer, kinder, and overall better people. At least than christian women, but that's an entirely different rant.

trying to explain

So, I suppose it's important to note that I've been talking about death quite a bit lately. By talking I suppose I mean thinking. Today on my way to school I thought about the end. I wanted it so bad..... but I had obligations to fufill. Always the slave to duty... like pirates of penzance.
Anyway I had set a date. A date for the most important day of my life, or second most, depending on how that matters to you. I want... wanted... I don't know, but I desired an end date. So I wouldn't have to think about the future. I hate the future. So much. If it had been up to me I'd be writing the note for when I reach that date. Because editing it would be really relaxing, knowing the date was coming.

The problem... is that the people who want me here aren't enough. They can never be enough to stop the pain.
there was supposed to be much more. In short I tried to explain to dad why I wanted to die because I wanted him to come to terms with it, and that flopped.

wishing

You know, this isn't the way I wanted it. I went on a long rant last night about what's wrong, how upset I am about what God has done....... so much I'm upset about. There is so much I don't know how to forgive. If just once he could love me, pick me up and put my feet back on the ground....... but that's just me wishing again.
My libido is screwed all to hell right now. it's usually abnormally high... well when I'm alone and dealing with it myself. When I'm with someone else it could be anything, it could be sky high, it could be dead in the water. I've never had it be dead in the water when I'm alone. But last night it was. As I said last night I realized my body is looking for new drugs, and that is one thing I can't do for it. That's the one part of the addictive cycle I can stop. There will be no new drugs.
All I desire right now, maybe ever, is to be loved. I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, and it so embodies what I want that I ache for it. It makes me not want to settle for less again (of course I don't have a problem with that). I want someone who I long for, someone I love. Not someone who will just "get the job done". I had that. And she didn't for the record, get the job done that is.
I want somebody who makes me feel......... shit like I see those two feel on this show. Like Melinda feels so obviously, and I suppose how Jim feels too. But I guess I set the bar too high. And I don't think I'll be around long enough to find her. I mean, if I could I would, but God would have to work. And aside from feelings he hasn't.

lemon water

It's not working. My libido that is. That drives me nuts you know? not getting aroused, nothing excites me. I feel like I'm dead. Worse. I know my body will only be happy if I pick up a new drug.... and I can't do that. Nothing soothes the pain I feel. I picked out a christmas tree... that part was fun. But when I put it up, trying to cope in my heart with christmas alone breaks me up........... *sigh* more work. Have to sleep.

It's like lemonade. Life gave me lemons in the curse of an overactive libido and that certain things give me pleasure. But when the lemonade loses it's sweetness it just turns to lemon water. gross and worthless to drink.

My potential story

So one of the thing driving me nuts is my potential story, how the story of my life might go.

Path one:
After countless months of depression and finding out that his ex wife managed to live on, this man killed himself, to the chagrin of the women that scorned him and the sadness of his friends and family. He let the people that hated him win, and the people that loved him lost.

Path two.
This man finally got his answer to prayer, he has never been happier and has found new hope and meaning in life.

Path three
This man finally found a woman who loved him, he has never felt so loved.

Path four
This man is now homeless

Path five
This man has been kicked out of school and is scraping together a modest living at a call center

isn't that typical?

So my home internet is out. Looks like I'll be doing plenty of smoking and watching old shows when I'm home this week because I won't be online communicating with the outside world or anything.

My ex wife, the bitch lives on

To make the title of this post less harsh I had to tone it down from "Fucking whore"
Ok, so I was trolling on her page as I am prone to do because thanks to her I'm to be alone for the rest of my life, and she gets to be a military wife. And I find out that she was in an accident. I presume a car accident because we all know the bitch can't drive. And I am ashamed, Yes ashamed to say my first thought was "Damn it, she's not dead, do I need to pray for that" (actually just thought of the prayer thing, yes I'm evil.)
So I started thinking maybe I'm still harboring some anger..... Gee ya THINK?!
and I started to feel bad, and maybe I should work on forgiveness. See? That's nice. I want to forgive the evil little harlot who stole my heart and ran off with another man.
So then she's going on about how this is the hardest thing she's ever gone through in her life. Which I kinda feel like "hey now you know how I feel." And she says that she got really upset when they had to take off her ring, and had to explain to the doctor "My husband is deployed right now, that's the only connection I have to him."
And that's where I lost it
I have news for you sister, as far as god and ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD PRIOR TO POST 20TH CENTURY DIVORCE WHORES LIKE YOU, your husband spends every night trying to keep the gun out of his mouth. what you SHOULD have told them is that you're a self serving harlot and that the man you're out making a new life with after you left a man who was nothing but good to you is serving duty in war because you couldn't talk the man you married into it. And so you left him and found someone on track to live the life you want to live. Great. I hope the next car kills you you selfish Bitch. and what goes around comes around? I'D BE HAPPIER STILL IF I WAS DEAD SO I DON"T HAVE TO  SEE YOU LIVE. FUCK YOU.

Oh I might ad that I came back from my paying job that I had to take because she left me and my body doesn't work because I have to work for my living, I cant just go marry men with money, more's the pity. I wish I could just do whatever immoral thing I want and my family be behind me, but to top you I'd have to get someone to fall in love with me, then shoot them in the face with a shotgun at a wedding in front of 150 of their close friends. Oh and ride of into the sunset with another woman laughing all the way "I sure suckered them!"
Someday, if I'm lucky I can be as self centered and evil as my ex wife is. And maybe then God will see fit to kill me, because obviously he has no use for me but to torture with watching her antics while I slowly die.

explain this to me

alright, this is something I want explained to me, and I'm fairly likely to post my arguement verbatim to the personal ads:
Explain this to me, how can you be fat, and proud, and in the majority? This is to my mind the first time I have ever been aware of this. Bbws, in this state and PARTICULARLY in this city make up the majority of single women and so every week I read the same ad OVER and OVER and OVER. Let me break down how this ad goes, or how it reads from a male perspective.

"Hi everybody I'm sweet, nice, and somehow I break with all the other women you've met in this city and have a brain and want to treat you better than them. I'm so great. No I'm not going to give details as to WHY. Just take my word for it. Oh by the way I'm FAT, you should like this because ALL of us are this way now so if you want to mate, get with the program. Oh and I don't want to sleep with anyone, because men are SO all over me...."

Explain to me how any man would ever say "oh yes, let me get some of that fat lying woman, that's the stuff for me."
Speaking for men, or for the smaller part speaking for men who have seen this market, we're looking for other breeding options. Medicine has advance to the point we can have kids without you so if you think that somehow being the only option out there is a working strategy, you are dead wrong.
Thats the only strategy I'm seeing these women use. Actually for the most part this is the face womankind is showing, and that's rather worrying. I see hundreds of women a day, which represents a fair portion of the population of this city. I will note that about 75 percent of the fat women are attached, which begs the question "Why?" However when we see the sort of men who end up doing this, we have to determine "oh he has brain damage or is obviously a dreg of society and the best he could do is her, God bless him for jumping on the grenade for us all."
Equally baffling is that in the rare case that I come across a  really beautiful woman, she is with a twit. Today I saw a gorgious woman, and next to her was the biggest twit in the universe. I imagine if this.... I can't call him a man because he was an affront to all things manly, this male person, I imagine that if this male were to clean himself up he could be somewhat attractive. But in complete contrast to his lovely female companion he dressed in a sweat suit and a hat at a 45 degree angle from his head. The look just screamed "I'm a twit." And I must add, for the sake of those having trouble with this imagine it also screamed "and I netted a hottie,  obviously female judgement is DEAD, haha intelligent males. The score is now twits 1 intellectuals 0."
So this is what you want female america. If you are attractive you want twits. Good luck having kids who can get past the second grade.

How will you know?

So a thought has occured to me, and that thought is "how would anyone know if I went REALLY insane."
In response to that I have to say, to begin with, how crazy am I now? The tendency of the human mind I believe is to think that you are sane. Usually if you were to ask many people, in all seriousness, if they are sane, they would say yes, perhaps they are the only one. Which may very well be the case. I don't know. I don't have the credentials. I am in the process of procuring the credentials to tell said people if they are crazy, but as of this moment my credentials are rather lacking. What I am in a better position to judge is my own sanity. I believe that while I may have an ego, perhaps even pride as some people might call it in who I am.
The thing that may shock some, if some could be shocked, is that my confidence in my own sanity is relatively low. In my personal quite humble opinion I think that there is currently a 50% likelyhood of me just SNAPPING like a twig and going totally nuts. What does that mean? Well it could mean any of a large number of things. These include several iterations of what I think I will look like crazy. The most likely is in my mind some sort of Don Quixote-ish figure. By that I mean that at the very least I hope it would be entertaining, but on the larger part I think that drifting away from reality is likely.
I could snap and do something else nuts, anything from the living like howard hughs, peeing in bottles and dying of malnutrition to going nuts and killing something.
But the fact remains rather at large that the most likely way for me to go crazy is quietly. I may already be there.  A slow and long lingering break with reality is both likely and perhaps unavoidable. I have no stabilizers at all right now.

I have plenty of other topics, but I forgot them all on the drive home. I'll be back.

is the desktop dead?

http://www.ted.com/talks/roger_mcnamee_six_ways_to_save_the_internet.html

alright, I've been hearing this for years and it's gotten pretty loud, people are saying the desktop is dead. I think that people are predicting a future where the laptop is the most complex as it gets. Go to a best buy, the front displays are for smart phones, ipads and laptops. But not to worry. I don't think desktops will ever REALLY die. As far as being a mass consumable? yeah, dead for awhile. Geez the desktop as I grew up to know it was dead 7 years ago. I remember when you needed to spend a major afternoon just to assemble your desktop. Where installing software was an evening's activity. Those days are over. But the days of tower PCs? just started. The problem with all these fancy new gadgets that everybody has little joygasms over is that they are limited. Tiny keyboards and touchscreens. And they have you convinced you want this. Furthermore the processing power, while impressive, is tiddlywinks compared to a GOOD desktop. I could design, and am working on designing a desktop that outstrips everything else on the market. Not to sell mind you, I'm just turned on by power. You're never going to see power in tablet PCs. What's more I'm turned on by perminence. I invest HUNDREDS yearly trying to keep my data system alive. The fact of the matter is that I need a PC to do it. A desktop. Because we are on the forefront of a revolution in data and phones are missing the boat. All these devices are missing the data boat. Because good data management relies on one thing: expandability. My laptop has 3 USB ports, 2.0 at that and that limits my amount of data I can touch at about 4 Terrabytes. That's alot, but then it's not, not at that speeds and not from a laptop. The interface is subpar. Having it on the go and in any room in the house? worth the investment but it will never suffice as a primary computer. I could go build a computer right now for under 1k that could access with ease over 10 Terabytes of data at speeds that would make you cry. Run as many programs as needed. And best of all it would last 5 years. The average lifetime of laptops is 2, because we burn these damn things out. That's not enough. There are enough people out there like me that feel the same. Because we aren't all tech whores who want to bend over and take it from apple. In 5 more years I'm going to buy a tablet. After I finish designing a supercomputer to run my data network and after I have access to that data in every room in my house. After I program my locks to run by computer, after I design satisfactory security and cameras that I can see anywhere from anywhere in my house. And when I design and do all that it won't be on a laptop, it won't be on a smartphone and it won't be on a tablet. It will be on a PC, from a PC. The original and BEST designed tool for the job. And it always will be.

I can't FUCKING stand this

I can't stand this.
I haven't discussed any of my feelings with anyone in WEEKS. I fucking hate this fucking house, four fucking walls, over and over again I just want to tie a fucking noose and END IT.
I've been playing minecraft. I think I'm sort of hooked on it. A bit. I hate that you know. I shouldn't let myself get hooked on a fucking video game, that I'm up until 3 AM playing it. I've gotten carpal tunnel playing this game. I honestly thought that at this age if I got carpal tunnel playing a game it would be with my wife. I'm going to be fucking 24. ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR.
Do you know what happens to women over 20? In oklahoma? They just bulge. it's like a downhill slope. My hypothosis is that they bulge until they turn 35... or 45. anyway at some point they decide to lose the weight and then they become skinny and bitchy. This is the point at which if we were in a society that had hot women the men would start banging their secretaries. Which I think I might be for now. I didn't used to but now I understand anything a man would do to get away from a woman. I guess. Why can't we find women we love enough to fight for, to actually keep going and work for? And when we do find these women, that we feel this way about, they never feel that way about us. Are we supposed to chase them in a futile fashion until we die? I don't know.
I just had to put a stop to When Harry Met Sally.
It makes me want someone to come to realize they love me.
and she won't.
I'll probably have to move on.
And then someday someone will call her up.
"MNHMMM, I've got some news."
"Yes?"
"Max is dead."
"oh?"
"yeah he drove off the freeway, his car exploded, it was great."
"Oh, that's too bad"

And I guess maybe she'll come to the funeral.
She will likely be the only young woman at the funeral because other than her no woman under 30 has ever cared about me.
I can't find my ex Haley on FB
I can as always find my wife, who won't friend me because she despises me. It's not posted anywhere. She hasn't said so, but it's true. Why would you behave as she does if you didn't dispise me?

Shannon has apparently dissappeared. maybe she's dead. who knows? obviously she didn't want my love. She's the one that told me I loved the girl who I'm stuck on now. She said I had a shot. Of course if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have screwed everything up. Fuck her.

I don't know what on earth anyone is expecting from me. One of the reasons I'm not driving anywhere right now is because I think I would try to kill myself if I got the shot. Not that it matters. Obviously I'm succeeding at not killing myself. It's thanksgiving and my family has promised to make all my favorites.

I'm listening to this message on giving. well I don't know what this message is about really. But he's talking and he says "If you have a problem you don't have a problem you have a god problem." My mind is instantly on my prayer. You know how long I've been praying about this? A year and three months.

"God can provide water in a famine, he can provide food by ravens"

I'm sitting here. Stripped to the bone by my life. I've lost EVERYTHING because of me doing what I thought was right. I've lost all my friends, all my money. Every month I have to scrounge together enough money. I fantasize daily about killing myself. When I'm driving to work or school I daydream about driving the car off the highway and die.

And God says he's going to bless me.
You know when people in the bible laughed? I'd laugh.
I'd laugh if I weren't so crushed by this.
How can he keep doing this to me?
I can't stand this stupid chirpy optimism.

I've lost my wife
my best friends.
Every cent I've ever had.

And you know what else? if I had any more I'd give it too.
I don't have anymore.

I don't know why he challenges me like this.
I dont
I honestly feel unloved right now. My mom loves me, my dad loves me but God? I don't see it.
I don't see how someone, even an allmighty being, can behave this way and claim to love me.
It's just... .either he's working on something, and I can't see it, or he has no regard or love for me at all. There's no other way I can understand.

I'm just going to go pray.

now on a more graphic note

Disclaimer: I'm going to be talking about some rather graphic topics here, so if you have some sort of pure vision of me and want it intact, don't read, if you are too young to buy tobacco, don't read, if you are an 18th century southern belle, don't read. Generally if your sensibilities are offended by anything rated R or above or by sexual content, while this will not be overtly graphic it will have sexual themes so please just skip it and do us all a favor.

Now, it may be a rather shocking topic to break out on but I'd like to talk about pornography. Pornography is a huge push button with the christian crowd, and I do TRY to be sensitive to their pansy ways, but I honestly have no respect for them anymore. I respect a select few individuals who are anti porn for the stance, because they have made a decent arguement for their puritanical ways.
Interesting side note: I have never been on the enforcing side of anti porn, always on the defence. By defence I mean giving in. "Oh I'm soooo sorry for my oh so sinful ways, please forgive me I was SO wrong" minus the sarcasm I obviously feel about it right now. To be honest I have felt guilt about porn. Twice. Once when I was with my wife and I slipped up a number of times, I was guilty of doing something that would hurt her which was defacto a sin in my mind, and I was genuinely sorry. The other time was with a girlfriend who didn't like me doing it. I don't want to get into that one actually.
Let me elaborate a little further on my position on sex in general. Sex is a need. Not a desire, not a sin, it's something your body will crave NATURALLY. Therefor sex addiction and overeating are basicly the same thing. We all have things we need to cut down on. Yet calling it an addiction causes all sorts of other stigma. But I will go on. If you can manage to find a woman to love you who doesn't cheat on you or leave you for another man, then god bless. No, really.
If you can manage that then obviously God is on your side, and you should write a book or at least a pamphlet, go into inspirational speaking and do a conference and I will attend, because obviously you have discovered the shangri la of all mankind and need to draw the rest of us a map. I'm not joking. This has become the lost city of gold in western culture. Everyone claims it exists yet there is no path to it at all. Ask someone how to find it and they assure you it's "out there somewhere, stop looking and it will find you". Sounds like a mystical city to me.

However, for the rest of us that have to live in the real world lets look at the facts: When you are alone you have no choice but to look after your own needs. those needs include sex. How crude, I know. Furthermore if you can manage to look after your needs without giving into temptation and having sex with easy women you should be given a hearty handshake and pat on the back (wash your hands first).

Ok, so after that side rant I get to my point. That point is pornography.
In my opinion there are four grades of porn, note I mean video porn not pictures and NOT stories, that's a whole other game.
There's dirty porn, full of lust, degradation and sex for the sake of dirty nasty your family can never know you think about it sex. It has it's place, but to be honest this accounts for over three quarters of the porn out there.
There's entertaining porn, this means most likely porn with a plot, where the actors start out with their clothes on and there is an at least attempt at seduction. In my humble opinion this is the best of the best, but even many pictures that try to be this miss the bar entirely.
There's art porn. Carefully planned shots, lighting, and there's a statement being made here about beauty. This can be really amazing, but it's rarely made, and therefor even more rarely worth watching.
Finally we get the catagory that all these dump into thousands and thousands of videos a week, I'm not joking at all, bad porn. Bad porn can be funny, it can be arousing in places, but as an overall experience you feel sorry you spent the time watching it, and you can only hope the people who made it are ashamed of themselves. It's not all as terrible as that, but it's all bad.
I remember a year or two ago one of the entertainment porn producers had this horrible HORRIBLE actor who turned everything he starred in into bad porn from my perspective. It might just be a perspective thing, but this guy was just the most unarousing thing aside from seeing someone I respect in my life have sex. And I haven't seen that so this guy set the record for unarousal. Damn that's not right my ex WIFE with her fat ASS set that record. I remember once or twice trying to get hard for that thing. You know how hard it is to look at the woman you love and realize she's not your ideal woman physically, and then try to talk your penis into getting into the game. I did that more often than I care to admit. It's one of the reasons I was ok with her leaving, just so I could stop having to talk the poor guy into getting into the game. Oh and lets not even go into how non womanly she was. She had facial hair. I've seen this twice in women, and ooooh are they sooo embarassed. I never mention it to their face but it is kind of a bad sign that they have that much testosterone, maybe they should cut down on the saturated fats, just saying. Oh and horrible skin just HORRIBLE. Honestly I wonder what my stupid ass was thinking, thinking that this woman who was missing an important bone in her knee, was unlikely for genetic reasons to live past 40, could produce a good genetic offspring. I must have loved that woman because damn, that's the dumbest decision I could have made in my life. Thank God we don't have kids because those kids would be in and out of the doctor so often..... of course assuming her issues are all dominant genetics, they might be recessive then there would be between a 25 and 50 percent chance of those issues showing up.....My ex wife was without a doubt the catoosa of genetics..... and that's where I found her, ahaahahaa. Oh and non nurturing, lets not forget that lovely fact. This woman supposedly wanted kids, God help the poor things if she ever has them. I've been remembering this, me being sick this week, she never did a single thing because she cared about my happiness or to take care of me. It was always about her. I'm probably doing better single and sick than with that useless cow. She never wanted to listen to my problems, I was just supposed to be some emotionless fix it machine. IN fact that's what all these oklahoma women I've met want. emotionless fix it machines that can be dragged around by their penis to various emasculating events. I saw that world so much while I was a married christian man. My God no wonder the world hate's christianity, look at the christian male life. "what christian male life?" that's exactly right because christian men are expected to be cattle. Work all day, make lots of money, have kids, buy a house in the suburbs, do whatever your DAMN woman wants and even if you do you get surprised when she leaves you because "she just can't respect you anymore". Damn it no one respects that poor SOB. Not his wife, not his kids and not his damn community. He's a lapdog to his woman and his woman sooner or later is going to realize how unerotic a male lapdog can be.
Which leads back to the porn thing. Most men like porn. Many are ashamed of it because women tell them to be. I can't prove that but come on. What man wakes up one day and says "You know I think I should be ashamed of my dirty self"..... Men have a hard time understanding shame. This is the gender that brought you fart jokes and beavis and butthead. If men could understand shame they wouldn't create these things. Watch the Man Show, with Adam Carola, and that will give you SOME idea of what men are like.
Look, these are some men, real men:
Charlie Sheen
Adam Carola
Lewis Black
Bill Clinton
John F Kennedy
Heck Ted Kennedy, you know he's a man's man at heart
FDR
(I know there are some republican men, Rush Limbaugh for one, but I'm not in the mood to deal with all of them.)
Teddy Roosevelt is the base model for manhood.
Edmund Hillary

Do you know what makes a man? You see what you want, and you GO for it. Damn the consequences. Most of the men on my list are sexually promiscuous, or where at some point. That's because men like sex. Oh gosh I hope I didn't shatter your worldview with that one.
What men don't like is servicing the same woman night after night, being faithful for year after year only to get CHEATED ON. and only to watch that woman  get less attractive in every damn way while they get more attractive. Because society has decided that money is what makes men attractive. Guess what, any guy with a good investment strategy will get more and more attractive year after year. What do women have to offer? Seriously I'm asking. Supposedly nurturing and kindness but as I said, that's the hidden city of Gold.... mistyped God there, maybe it is the hidden city of God, because God only knows where these mystical women hide before getting snapped up into permanent monogamous relationships.
Your average woman, mind you this is in oklahoma, is FAT, has SELF CONFIDENCE PROBLEMS, no future plans, is either stupid as god made her or has made herself that way by surrounding herself with the brainwashing society we live in, or by drugs. And hence why men turn to porn. If good women exist then they should advertise. You aren't the fucking field of dreams, if you build it yeah they will come, but God only knows who, because it's not me. No one let me know about the mystical baseball field in the middle of nowhere. Someone DRAW ME A MAP.
So some bad porn, or passable porn has women who are obviously acting. This I have decided is a good thing, because after all my experiences one thing I know, the lackluster performance you recieve in bed will be about the equal of a bad porn actress. And women are surprised at the results....

Never a dull moment

You know, after typing that heading I realize that now is as close to a dull moment as I can experience. well actually I take that back, being out in public and feeling like this would be much more tedious and difficult.

Anyway around to the point: I'm sick. I don't know what it is but I think I know why I'm sick, and that's because I've been running myself ragged, and I've been spending MANY more hours among people. Everything has a price I suppose.

I decided not to join the national guard, on the basis that the incentive does not outbalance the risk. They wanted to offer me a couple hundred a month, plus partial school benefits, and lets see... that's it.
For this they want a minimum 6 year commitment. The limits on the GI bill are ridiculous. They use phrases like "up to" 50k for school. That sounds familiar doesn't it? Like when I was in sales and they talked about how rich I was going to be. It's an incentive, granted it may seem a large incentive, however given my abilities and how much time is involved I don't think it's a fair offer. In my humble opinion they should pay all college expenses, regardless of how high they get as long as they all fit into a degree plan. That would make more sense. It's similar to how cell phone companies used to have "unlimited data plans" but they actually cut off your service and canceled your contract when you used more than 5 gigs of data, over a whole month. Bait and switch almost. But from reading their site you can see that they assume you are so worked up over how wonderful their benefits are, and we know they aren't actually. Add in the danger of losing my life. Oh and the silent draft.... just heard about that actually.
Ok, I just did some research on that... just to have the facts.
fact 1: when you sign a military contract with the guard you are subject to being called back within 2 years (that's the offer they gave me, your mileage may vary).
fact 2: there is something called stop loss, and if you HAVE been deployed to a war zone during your tour they can force you to reenlist, because they need you on the ground in iraq or afganistan or wherever the country decides to drop troops.
Questionable second hand fact 3: The military will twist your arm into reenlisting by giving you a choice between reenlisting of your own accord or they will send you to a war zone so you can be covered by stop loss.
fact 4: it's all in the fine print.

Now even if we could ignore fact 3 (which is the worst of the bunch) this still doesn't sound like the sort of organization I would want to work for. Actually let me be a bit more clear, it doesn't sound like a deal that is worth the paltry sum they give you for the risk.
All business deals are a risk/reward calculation. Let's say I want to buy a house. The risk is that the market will drop and put me underwater on my investment, or that the costs to keep everything repaired outstrip my budget. Both of those have happened incidentally to me. The reward however is that houses are a good hedge against inflation, and in addition you don't throw away thousands a year renting an apartment. In the case of my house it's more secure and in a much more relaxing neighborhood than any apartment I've ever lived in.
Once you calculate the risk and balance it with reward you will see whether this investment will be prudent. The risk of military service is about as high as anything I've ever heard of.... with the possible exception of marriage. Losing your life, and in many cases your sanity as a result of living in a war zone is a giant risk.  The rewards on the other hand are disappointing... again similar to marriage. You are at the mercy of the military, part of a giant system which includes in it's mission statement to kill people. And finally you have to make a time commitment to them, they promise next to nothing in return for that commitment.

On the romance front.... I was talking to one girl and she just dropped off the radar. Now a new one has contacted me. Young but fairly intelligent, I happen to know she's been on the market for a year. she's a poet. She definitely is worth getting to know, after that who knows?

your future is a horror story written by your crimes

Doomed scrooge, doomed for all time
your future is a horror story written by your crimes
your chains are forged by what you say and do
so have your fun when life is done a nightmare waits for you

a song made me cry. Not that one, which I'm not going to attribute because I have bigger fish to fry, but a song about the one that got away. No I didn't know it before today, it just... showed up. and stabbed me through the heart

List of songs that have made me cry:
Katy Perry-The one that got away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3Cqe_fk
Better than a hallelujah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0&ob=av2e
and for entirely different reasons: He was walking her home

oh and you are my sunshine, that song still breaks my heart


I linked to the videos because in many ways they are what broke me down
Two things disturb me about my grief process, one is that I mourn entirely different things than other people
two my grief process doesn't have a normal timetable
and three I cannot process my emotions in any healthy or clean way. The grit makes it process. By grit I mean what christians would call sin. I don't know if it's sin, if something keeps me alive it almost always shifts over to nourishment and becomes unremovable..... hence the smoking, and the porn and the over the counter drugs. They keep me functioning, and FYI I hate that they are needed. I don't hate any of those things individually, aside from the expense I have no problem with the activities themselves, I have a problem with that I hurt so much that I need them.
side note: I think I might be sick
what else? what else?
you know aside from her presence in my life as someone to love I don't miss my wife, or many women. just the one really..... and she got away....... every woman I still wonder about got away. Not by my choice.... I don't destroy relationships I care about.

You could have been my girl
if you'd ask me I would move the world for you
you could have been my world
but you just never saw
that all this time you were the one I was waiting for

That's one of mine.

it irritates me that now I am willing to join the military and my wife.... ex wife has moved on. If she had just been supportive and helped me process we'd still be together, did you know that?
I didn't until the past three months. over a year too late.....

Don't it always seem to go
that you dont know what you've got til it's gone
pave paradise and put up a parking lot

Supposedly regrets aren't my style. Neither is crying for that matter. What can I say? at the moment I am forgotten..... no one left to live up to their standards. I almost died this morning... daydreamed about it a bit on the way to school. Is that sick or what?

decisions....... and I am somewhat undecided

So it's important to note that having no future changes a man. At some point, to be more specific the point in which your only future is paying a woman to carry your child, and a future without that is a hopeless wasteland. Not saying the future WITH that is any sort of fantasy or "achievement"
To explain why that is I need to further explain how I see myself. I am a huge pile of wasted potential. If I had made certain choice decisions I could be happily married, and or graduated from college, and or quite well off financially. To be anything less is a failure to WHO I am. I could be a doctor, an MD even, or on the fast track to be a US senator or the top of any field I chose. I could have enough money to buy what I want, anything I want. But I missed the boat on all of that. At some point a man has to realize that the past is the past and the future is the future, and they don't mix. Each has their share of oppertunity. The very least i can do at this point in my life is to push the envelope forward genetically, and to live the rest of my life as comfortable and happy as I can. Maybe I can write a book. But marrying the right woman, and having the career I am capable of is a ship that sailed loooong ago.
One goal I determined would dominate this decade is getting my PhD. At the time it seemed easy, as I had faith in the student aid system. This semester has eroded away every bit of faith in the student aid system. And most of my faith in God while we're discussing it. I'm now coming to realize that if I try to rely on student aid to do the job it was put there for, I'm going to lose my house, which incidentally is the culmination of all the investments I have ever made in my life. So I have to think about other options. Other options being the national guard...... And when you realize that my life serves little purpose OTHER than to achieve this PhD and have a child, both of which cost quite a large amount of money..... I'm not counting on unreliable bets, namely women and the financial aid system. Neither work to the function that God put them on earth to achieve. It is written "If a tree does not bare fruit then order it cut down and thrown into the fire" So..... that's where I stand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GbSwYce4pA
And you can take that to the bank, lord knows I can't
That bitch took me for everything!!!

oh yes.... big bang theory you are the show for me

pain

I didn't go to school today
I almost killed myself last night
I talked to the woman I care for last night too
as far as what is significant, I think everything and nothing is
"you're a bartender who is close to liqueur all night and you AREN'T an alcoholic, obviously you don't know how to seize an opportunity" says a girl who has a crush on this guy, I don't know why that just describes me SO well. I lived with the best girl I could ever have found and we never dated. Obviously I fail to seize an opportunity.... maybe it was the best opportunity I'll ever have. I don't know.
I just saw pictures of the first girl, the girl the whole phenomena is named for, Laurel. She is IT, I swear, the reason that I said I would never love someone without it being mutual. She's changed you know. She's grown into someone new. I hardly recognize her. She might be more amazing, might not. I'll never know. I just think it's amazing how much someone can change in 5 years. yes that's right it's been 5 years since I loved her. Maybe it's like the Maya calander, and loving someone I can't have is part of the cycle..... wonder what would have happened if I was still married....... woah where did that come from? That's a debbie downer moment if ever there was one.
The girl that got away wanted my advice...... at least I mean something to her right? see that? That right there. Saying something like that is a symptom of the insanity that loving someone I can't have causes. I sort of told her about my situation...... without of course telling her it was her I wanted.... needed. For an emotional guy I keep alot bottled up inside
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KBthi_An5qQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I yelled at myself last night. I was so mad at myself for being such a putz. Feeling sorry for myself..... lots of BS. Maybe that's why I get into abusive relationships.
This is a beautiful quote "Scrooge liked the cold.
He was hard and sharp as a flint.
Secretive, self contained.
As solitary as an oyster. "

I really do identify with that character. It bothers me somewhat actually that I have been trying to slide through this classic Dickens story in reverse.  I long to be the giant of a man that scrooge is at the beginning, because you see from the perspective of this man that is the ultimate achievement. I learned not to cry at some point during my childhood. Even during the past year and a half, the most painful moments of my life I smoke instead of crying. because to be melancholy I must be using something to break down the inhibitions. My inhibitions in sharing my pain are growing stronger all the time. Every time I try to be myself and all I receive is either ridicule or complacency, or worse still being ignored entirely, I discovery that deep down I am alone. No matter what sort of front I put up I am alone. As solitary as an oyster.
"as he made his way up the staircase,  caring not a button for the darkness. darkness was cheap, and scrooge liked it" 

the one that got away

alright, first of all I'd like to note I am sitting in the dark in my room typing this because my brain is holding my consciousness hostage until I deal with the emotions I'm feeling, and I am not in the mood to drug up to avoid feeling my feelings. It's not that I don't approve of the method, it's that it interferes with my sleep wake cycle in a way that ruins several days of work. And I need to be GOOD at work tomorrow.
So what I want to talk about is rules and guidelines, I set them for my brain, and today it has become official, I apparently can't follow them. For reasons that I'll get further into I have/had a rule established, a simple dating rule that has changed my whole approach to dating. This is it: chase girls that want me, avoid girls that dont.
Now that may seem logical in and of itself, but for various reasons in my late teens it wasn't, which led to the event I usually label: Max goes crazy over a girl. I don't mean crazy in a sweet way. I mean literally, obsessively crazy. Let's actually break down how crazy. I met my wife in the backlash of that crazy and it sort of led me to being stupid enough to marry her. THAT is how crazy. I was dealing with the backlash for over a year afterwards. And, here is the crazy part, the girl that inspired the feelings never had any idea, and when she did find out she rejected me. Again, life changing stuff.
But the point of today isn't just rehashing how bad that was, it's considering what is going on with me. I am single right now, for various reasons this is meaning I'm starting to slow down for the first time in a little over a year. At one point that made me realize I had loved my wife and I missed her. Today it made me realize in a way more real than ever that I do love someone else. I love the girl that got away.
So I won't name names, we can keep calling her the one that got away. But I realized, as I have several times and tried to beat it back into submission, that I love the girl that got away. I met the girl that got away one year ago. We had a one night stand, and it was clearly implied that was all it was ever to be. I felt amazing afterwards. I still don't know why, but I did. Then I didn't talk to her for three months, because shortly after the event she fell hard for another guy. I don't share women and I don't chase women who don't want me, those are the rules. Makes my life simpler. Then we started talking again, online. I started really opening up to her, I don't know why, I'm pretty easy to read if you want the truth. quite alot of things happened. She ended up pregnant. at one point she suggested we date, I had never thought of her that way, but once she acted interested, well it just made me think alot. In the end she ended up moving in. She became my best friend, though we never had sex, I never had felt that close with a woman, intellectually. We cohabitated very well. Then I had to louse it up. I started dating a girl who got jealous of her and I let that come between us, and she moved out and moved away. before she moved out the girl I was dating and I broke up, because the girl I was dating told me, quite explicitly, that I loved the girl that got away. How could I deny that I had feelings for the girl that got away? of course I did. I tried to stop her leaving, but I couldn't. So I dated another girl just to not be alone. that didn't work out. Now the girl that got away is dating another man, as she always has been. I feel like I'm last on her list of priorities.  Once or twice I've tried to talk to her about how I feel. She never tells me how she feels about me. I want her. I daydream about her. I think I might be in love with this girl who is my best friend, and I don't know how to tell her, because how could I? What if that ruins any chance of me having her in my life as a friend? How can I tell her that it makes me ache seeing her chase other men, when all I want is to be the man she wants? How can I talk about how much I care about her, and I don't care about sex, or any of that, all I care about is that she's my best friend, and I trust her with everything. Except this. I'm so full of contradictions right now. I promised I'd never want someone I couldn't have. Yet I want her. It seems many of the things I want I can't have. I don't know. I'm lifting it up to God, because heck if I know what to do with it.

dream log

So just a quick update this morning. I had a dream that I think is of some importance so I figured I'd log it.

Lets see, for whatever reason Nikki was back in town and we were talking
we were talking about it working between us
she was apparently reluctant to make it work
then she changed her mind, and she said that we would have to work on breaking down the barriers she had built between her and feeling her feelings
then she said she loved me
and I told her I loved her
then my dad was angry about my door being closed
and I lied to him about what was going on, and he was suspicious

the whole time with nikki, in the dream, it felt like something vaguely sexual was going on. I'm not certain what.


So for my interpretation:
I miss Nikki, that explains a bit.
I've wanted her to have those feelings for me, explains quite a bit more.
as far as my dad? that's an odd thing. My thought is that the whole situation with the closed door reminds me of something I saw in the transformers movie the other night, so that might have made it creep into my dream. I also get the general sense that he doesn't approve of me going out with Nikki, or being involved with her period.

I don't need to take action on anything because of this

solitude

So given the fact that I have no one to have meaningful conversations with, I suppose venting to my blog is a good outlet for my daily ideas, frustrations, and general rambling.
It's an interesting paradox, being alone. On one hand it's enormously rewarding. Take for example food. I can survive on less than 20 dollars a week if I don't eat out (I do eat out from being alone, but that's another story). I don't go on dates right now, though I do have the time again. Oh in a bit of side note I took the job back.

On the other hand though I have no one to share the news of my daily life with. My parents are pretty much it and they don't really give me enough feedback. I desire feedback, discussion, some sort of meaning and way to help me process the things that happen in an average day of my life. My friends are all drifted away, and I don't know if I'm going to make new ones.

Back to why I am alone. I don't like people. I don't trust them for one, and second I have little use for them. I enjoy the short term exchanges.... I enjoy friendships when I have them, but for whatever reason don't go search out new ones when I lack any. If only I could have that much apathy for dating.

I had a discussion with a lady at school today about having kids. She's pregnant and we were talking about the practical matter of having kids. So I happened to mention that I don't know when or how I will have kids, at least by the traditional method. And then I told her about the method I am working on, namely the surrogate process, embryo selection, that whole good thing. She disapproved. Said that I shouldn't deprive the other embryo's a chance at life. To which I counterargued that they wouldn't have a chance anyway without me making a plan...... and she drifted away from the conversation. See what I mean about people? Absolutely useless to providing meaningful feedback.

I keep putting up personal ads, I think by habit at this point, and the responses just don't get me interested. I want............. love I suppose, meaningful friendship, a connection with someone that I have lacked for the past year and a half. I miss my wife horribly right now, even though I know how bad for me she would be at this present moment. Making demands, lowering my efficiency. Doesn't stop me from remembering the good times though. See, the bad memories were the easy ones. Because I could just think "Well good thing I got rid of the person who did THAT"..... the good memories make me sad. I had something.... I want to say wonderful, but I know in my heart it was just satisfactory. I was content. Oh well. All water under the bridge.

I'm having God issues right now. I still don't understand what, if anything, he is doing. I feel as strongly as ever that it is my destiny to move to that property in Denver. The vision has not and I suspect will not go away. Yet he gives me no hope....... aside from that I am sure of his ability to do it. His ability is unquestioned. His will is. And I suppose that's where my faith fails. Because no matter how much ego and how much I like myself I will still be doubtful of someone else doing something to benefit me until it happens. I love him, but he has not done anything about it. I don't even know if he cares about me or my dreams at all.

missing her

I am officially done with the first job I've taken and had a shot at since my marriage ended.... and I don't want to talk about it
I never thought I'd say this, or I should say I never thought I would mean this: I miss my wife.
I really do. It's painful to realize that I could have done more to save my marriage. I mean I always suspected that while it was happening I could have stopped it, but for the life of me I couldn't have figured it out. Of course I don't know now whether the me I was then could have done all that I've done since she left.
I did love her. Just for the record. Which is why it bothers me so much that I can't remember what her voice sounded like. I can remember holding her in my arms, so many times. I remember cooking with her in our little apartment. I remember getting in fights and making up before I could make it down the stairs. I remember holidays together. I thought we were happy.... I guess something I did..... I swear I still think it has to do with me not having enough money for her...... in many ways I'm still trying to be good enough..... or at least get good enough for that not to happen to me again.


I wish I could get away from here. I pray about it almost every night...... with no results.... yet.

So now that I have time again I'm going to consider dating some more.

I don't know if I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for. I don't know that I'm looking for the right thing either.

you know life would be perfect right now if my wife was still by my side.... assuming we were getting along that is. If I had just decided to go back to school then, and maybe joined the national guard...... then right now I would still be with her, not him.
I hate that she's still alive and living with another man. It makes my skin crawl.
I also hate that no one gives a damn about me or my pithy life.
I hate that she said we'd stay friends, that was such a lie.
I hate that she's still fat, and still the exact same person she was when she was married to me.
I hate that she's trying to lose weight for him, because apparently I wasn't enough
I hate that she looks happy.

an unexpected perk of single life

So for the past year and a half this month I have been out of my marriage, been dating, two relationships and 5 women slept with, yes in fact I do keep track.
For confidentiality I will go only by first names:
1. Nikki
2 Jenn
3: unknown girl in february or march, my dates are kind of fuzzy
4 Shannon
5 Haley

Bringing my yearly average to 3 and a half for the past two years, of course I'm going by calender year
On the other hand this year, the second year, while I have doubtless increased the number of women I have slept with, as far as frequency goes it is on the decline. For instance with #3 it was a one night stand, a horrible one, I could tell war stories. same, in a different way with #4
#5 takes the prize this year for frequency, giving me more than 25 times to learn from.
Yes I'm being public, yes I'm being blunt.

Now for the reason I am in review mode, I am once more single, I had two relationships over this fall, and when the second one ended for various reasons I was uninterested in entering into a third, mostly for damage control reasons. Most of the time when I remain single for months on end it's a damage control effort.
So right before that relationship ended I recieved a job offer, which I am on the first week of right now. A realization that I had way back at the beginning of my enforced solitude was that most of my work conflicts had roots in my romantic life. In particular my marriage took much of my energy. I saw a radical change in fact from when I was unmarried to being married in that my job success took a nosedive and never fully recovered.
So now there is nothing, and I mean nothing, to stop me from working every minute of the day I can, and that I can be scheduled. 31 hours next week. This sort of work ads up in a big way on payday. So the net result is that 1: I'm more busy, productive, and therefor in theory healthier, 2: my wallet gets a little more fat and 3: my social needs are met and in fact overflowing.
Which leads to my point. I'm not dating unless a sign from God occurs or a woman that literally takes my breath away shows up. I'd much rather be alone and well off than with someone and poor. That's just the nature of the beast of my life. Furthermore if I can maintain this level of activity over the course of years, and can combine it with relatively good fiscal management, I can keep my house (hopefully), upgrade my standard of living (mind you it isn't bad already, just needing some tweaks), and eventually if plans work out begin building my fortune. From such small beginnings come larger progress. Furthermore by avoiding women (who I don't know if you've noticed, but are the source of most financial hardship), I avoid accumulating more debt and as a net result by the time I'm 40 could be a millionaire, or living the lifestyle of one.
So in the spirit of the season I want to list the upgrades to my lifestyle, in priority order
1. Full large tech upgrade, new desktop, new big screen tv, and some accessories to go with it
2: garage door lock
3: large winter coat
4: washer/dryer
5: furniture
6: Small tech upgrades: router, network drive(s), bedroom tv, hardware upgrades to PC, perhaps when the price point is low enough employing a second PC to run certain household functions
7: appliance repairs, ice maker and dish washer
8 3 piece suit
9 double breasted suit
10 dress boots
11 small clothing items, french cuff shirts, tie tacks, tie pins, cuff links, ties, hats, canes

Consumption related culture

In the beginning, God created perfect man.

Just center on that for a second
Perfect man, God in flesh, the only perfect replica

Immortal, disease free
LOW MANTAINENCE
God wanted one like him to share the wonder of creation with. To teach everything. Imagine how much you could achieve
Then man wanted other humans......first mistake
I want to remind you that it wasn't god's original plan to make companionship
but he made woman. To satisfy man's desire for companionship
And I propose that having that companionship was addictive in and of itself
lets continue
So man and woman are happy in the garden. But then satan comes along and tempts the woman
Now I know this is sexist, but here is my down low on satan going for the woman, I will remind you first that there is no other sin in the garden, no way to break down and rationalize much, unless you could appeal to emotional, and physical desires. So tempting the man would be a tougher job, at least as far as breaking down his reasoning and convincing him logically to eat the apple. So the snake knew that convincing emotionally was easier, and it would be easiest on a female who is not as logic based as man. Now they get kicked out of the garden. Suddenly, no longer immortal, those old drives kick back in and they start kicking out babies LIKE CRAZY. As much as is humanly possible to support alive. Not many diseases around to target the HUMAN nervious system, so man lived much longer. So lets say the original ratio was 5 to 1, meaning one adult supports five kids, and at least partially a spouse, more accurately from a labor standpoint it only works as 10 to 2. and it's usually much more for men, have to say, because mongamy hadn't been invented. Somewhere around abraham's time people figured out how to become independantly wealthy. Now I'm not talking about Gold, I'm talking about so wealthy they could swell their offspring into hundreds, probably thousands, simply by good investment policy (lets ignore war in this)
Now, fast waaaaay forward to modern era. Modern industry and business figures out how to profit from this arrangement, they reduce the working ratio down to 3 to one at best. that's 6 to 2 in our modern way of looking at things. Now they use those resources that men would normally put into more offspring into feeding industry, when slavery failed they realized that it would still be built on the back of people, but in a more stealthy way. By robbing each man of the ability to have more children, slowly but surely family size diminshed. Then somehow economic plague TOOK over, things like divorce, debt, foreclosure and other wealth damaging plague broke out, thanks to modern banking. Meaning that companionship, and consumption, bodily pleasure has sucked away our vital ability to provide. A single man can grow so much more wealthy than a man with a family, because he eats less, spends less, and earns more into the bargain. Furthermore a man who makes mistakes (marrying the wrong woman, ESPECIALLY HAVING KIDS WITH HER, and letting her know where he keeps the valuables.) will be completely an indentured servant to them for all his productive days.
This is my hypothosis, and no, I can never provide any proof

Pride, my life and adventures with it, and how it changed my life

So, lots of things have happened, two actual relationships ending in one year is quite a thing, I've already capped all my relationship goals for the year so I'm just ready to spend the rest of it alone, unless other plans come along. Never rule out God, it's a rule.

The focus of this essay is intended to be the personal change I have experienced through the value of one word: pride. It has many names, with many different connotations. Examples include hubris, self confidence, vanity, narcissism, being self centered, and a host of others. Our culture (american western culture that is) has HUGE problems with this particular trait. I'm sure you can tell by how many of the words I listed have horrible negative connotations. My wife at least in some part left me because of my pride. It doesn't come without it's cost. Christians in particular hate it. I can't count the number of times I've heard someone in a christian recovery group say "I have issues with pride". And here is what kills me, everyone just nods and admires them for dealing with this problem they have. I hope to give you some idea of what is wrong with that point of view.

First to tell my story you need just a little background. I was born in the bible belt, raised christian by two very nurturing parents, and have never been one of the normal guys. So not fitting it in it should make sense that I didn't exactly exude self confidence in my early adult years. It's hard to be confident when your society makes it clear you don't belong. All that changed when my wife left. She had treated me so horribly, like so many women before and suddenly my brain just stood up and said "I've had enough, I don't deserve this." That was the foundation of pride forming. I started wearing clothes that accent my better features, reading more and working out to invest in myself.
     
 The reasoning is simple: No one is going to stick around for me like me. There is no more certainty of investment return than investing in something that CANNOT be taken from you. That means unless you have a valuable possession grafted to your skin, your mind and body are the only truly long term investments you have. Now let's talk about the benefits for a minute. In the benefit column if you take pride in yourself, love yourself if you will, you'll almost always have what you want. It's so much easier to ask, easier to recieve and easier to take care of someone you love. A major boon in the emotional catagory (though also a stumbling block, you cannot ignore that factor) is that if you love yourself suddenly people who are emotionally bad for you are unappealing to the extreme. It makes decision making easier, both romantically and career wise. Just ask one simple question: "is this decision in my best interest?"

Now I want to talk about the obstacles that you will have put in your way. If you strive for anything really great then you're going to face some problems. In this case the problem is people. If you are a man then women will hate this about you, even though they will rarely say so. The reason is fairly straight forward, and that is the fact that women in this country are used to men falling all over themselves to try and impress them. Here is the truth: if you are doing your job right then they'll be more than impressed, if they are the right type of woman for you. Taking pride in your appearance, especially if you decide to stand out as I have will get you some major ribbing from your fellow human beings. Oh and if you are a christian few will ever believe you.

Imagine if you will

I'm pretty disappointed in life right now. At least not currently ROMANTICALLY frustrated, but career wise I really am quite unhappy.
So I had a dream, a vision, that I lifted up to God, an entirely new lifestyle I was praying for, a career, a future, security, it had quite a bit of good things in it. I asked God that if that was his will for my life, would he please show me how to get there. Because you see it's not something I could do myself, at least not from this part of my life, it was something so crazy that a huge miracle would be the only way it could happen. So I prayed. And waited. Then one day last week I felt suddenly like maybe it was time to move on this again. So I learned all I could, planned out all the details, I was so READY for God to make a move. But then....... He..... Did..... Not.

So when I sensed that perhaps my intuition had failed to accurately predict what would happen, I offered up a follow up. IF God wanted me to move, then I'm ready, but if not could he not make my life so.... dissappointing. Again, I was ready for God to move, in ANY way. Things did not change.

So do you want to know the way things are going now? I can make a good life here. I know that, God has a very small part in that because at the moment I have run into a wall in my spiritual development. As long as I am trapped in this bubble, and God shows complete indifference to my requests (which I have to say is rather unbiblical, way to not line up with your own word there God), I can't move forward. At least not with him.

On my own for certain I can continue to push bounderies, reach new levels of success, and perhaps find ultimate happiness through the realization of my own abilities with this same level of sort of help from the world. I was looking to maybe be less self centered and self reliant. I had hoped that God would see that I don't think that is a healthy way to go. At least not to the extreme. But since he is the only one I respect enough (and honestly I wonder why) to completely surrender my will, this is the only way I know to learn to rely on him more. Growth requires two things: the medium which provides the energy to grow, and the area in which to grow. Kept in a small bowl a fish will remain the same size, but kept in a larger bowl, and provided with sufficient food to eat, it can grow as big as it wants. We might call this opportunity.

What I'm living in right now, is a lack of opportunity to grow and become a better follower of him. Really even to become a better person. I am stifled. This life I'm living is doing that. Now, lets pretend God is the fish owner, which he really is (you could also run a parent child analysis.) Now if you loved your fish, and that fish obviously would thrive more in a larger tank, and you had the resources to provide it (we assume that God has the resources, though that would be an interesting discussion of this flaw), why would you not provide the best environment for that fish to grow, and in fact provide barely enough to keep your fish alive? This concept is covered in the book of matthew chapter 7, I paraphrase: "If your son asked you for a loaf of bread, would you give him a snake or a rock? No. So if you being evil know how to give good gifts, how much better do you think God is at it?" again, I paraphrase. The point is obvious. God is supposed to be a good parent. So for whatever reason this painful situation is his idea of a good gift. If that is the case that alone is enough to convince me that he doesn't understand me in the slightest, or care for me. If he thinks being restrained from growth, being in pain is a way to provide for me. Well, it's disappointing. Suppose your dad was a very rich man. Lets also imagine that you need a new car. You go to your dad and say "Can I have a car dad? I've picked this one out, it will be the best possible car for my needs, and you'd never miss the money, wouldn't you be happier seeing me happy?" And your dad gets up, and walks out of the room. You leave him messages, try to relay messages through his voicemail, secretary. Over time it will become obvious that he has no intention of helping you. Now you are in the same position. You can go earn the money to buy a car. You'll probably end up buying a car that is in bad repair, and probably wont last very long because your resources are limited.
You may wonder, because I do, why your dad would behave this way. Doesn't he love you? doesn't he want you to have good things? The answer is that your dad is some sort of special exception to the normal guidelines that apply to parents. Your dad is always right. So you, by definition, must be wrong for wanting such a nice car. Why you greedy little brat, who do you think you are? Your dad doesn't have to do anything for you. You're lucky your dad does anything for you. You're lucky your dad keeps paying your health insurance so that when you get into a fatal car accident because your brakes lock up because you bought a substandard car,  they MIGHT be able to save your worthless life.
This is why a man might be tempted to worship money, dedicate his life to earning enough money to no longer need his dad who does not care to have any input in his life. This is why people turn away from God. I haven't completely, but the temptation is there. Because I have no idea how to be happy about a future in which I keep following him, waiting for him to care. I don't feel comfortable pouring myself out to someone who I don't respect, and I don't respect someone who lies. Yes they aren't lies when the person telling them is the maker of all reality, I'm just interpreting it all wrong.

So now, based on this