I found someone who doesn't like money: spoiler alert it's actually a business!

So today I had to grit my teeth and put up with my monthly phone call to the mortgage company, which would be awful enough, but because of my status I have been relocated to their "home retention" department.
I spent 45 minutes saying in every way I could: Take my money, I just worked 10 hours, and I'm hungry"..... yet we had to go over everything over and over again......unrelated stuff... like asking for money I can in no way promise..... it's just very clear that wanting money has nothing to do with doing business. Once you have someone trapped, by owning a portion of their assets you can do whatever you want.
Oh, and more amusing, I found out today this was only over 1 payment, so 1/12 of what I pay them a year and they have currently spent more than 80 hours harassing me over it, 15 mailers, they actually sent someone to my house to leave a note on my door. Over a relatively small amount(to them) they have spent.... quite a bit more money than seems reasonable.
But as I said, they don't like money. I have no idea what motivates them.
There, that's the entire rant, because I don't have energy to care anymore than that.

A progressive candidate: Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders announced he is running for president, and one of the first questions posed by the right was "Are Democratic voters angry enough to support Bernie Sanders for president?"
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/are-democratic-voters-angry-enough-to-support-bernie-sanders-for-president/
By right I mean to the right of Sanders, which is quite a bit of the people who control this country.
I've been watching him for years, every time both parties manage to make an ass of themselves, there he is. He's talking reasonable talk about taking care of the working class, who are after all the damn majority anyway.
So, short answer: Yes, we are quite tired of candidates that promise to take on the system, only to be weak/constantly attacked(or both). The poor in this country, and by that I mean the working poor, are tired of working hard and getting nowhere.

Long answer: Anger isn't the right word for it. To say I am angry I must feel cheated, and frankly I don't. I feel like the motivation system as it is does not work. There is no damn reason to work hard your whole life just to stay the same place your parents were. Which is why I want to drop out by 40, because I have better things to do with my life than worry about what to eat, where to sleep, and if I will have enough gas to get to work. God says to cast my cares on him, and I would like to experience a kind of security that makes that easier.

I've been crying out for change, revolutionary change, for at least the life of this blog (longer). I've been waiting for either the revolution to begin in earnest, or for change to come from within the system. I am not old enough to hold office, so I cannot be a part of the second solution. There is no viable revolution as of right now. The grassroots movements have fizzled, and it's going to take more than anger to win this battle.

Face it, the big corps aren't going to risk making us angry enough to rise up against 90% of the wealth of our country being in the hands of a small group of people and non-human entities. The Koch brothers are cool, calculating, and it is that kind of strategy that wins in the long term.

So in so many words I support Sanders. He's the best we're going to get this cycle. Yes a younger candidate would be more ideal, but Sanders has good energy, and the vitality that gives force to his message.

Jonah

Regular readers will be aware of my fondness of literary allusions. Last night I was mulling over philosophy trying to get to sleep and I came once again to the concepts from Cat's Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut. Without a doubt the book has been a major influence on both my philosophy and spiritual life. Which is odd considering he wasn't Christian.
The book starts out with references to the biblical Jonah. The author references the concept of being where you are supposed to be, and such forces being unavoidable. Later he puts it more succinctly: "Strange travel plans are dancing lessons from God." Which is to say that whenever things are going particularly oddly, perhaps there is something more going on.

It is this point that has often come out as an explanation for the immovable nature of my perceived obstacles. I think about being drawn to Shadow Mountain, how it felt as though strange hands picked me up and placed me there, then proceeded to use me to ends other than my own. Not that I did too bad myself.

Yet I had been resistant to consider my most recent career adventures as such heavenly doings, considering as they are not nurturing to my intellect or artistic soul and have continued to blunt my body and my senses. I realize now that perhaps that isn't the only way to look at it. It was while reading Foundation by Asimov that I realized that a project could be completely fraudulent and yet righteous and worth doing. An alien concept, yet in line with the Christian virtues of humility and obedience.

Because the thing is God doesn't call us to fit a mold for an ideal human(if only it were so simple), he provides the tools which bring us in line with his plan. The cutting away of self serving interest isn't easy, and it is my personal belief that it will never be complete on this plane of existence. By degrees I see his work, and though it brings me no pleasure or joy, there is a certain assured-ness in knowing that the work I do is towards purpose.

You know you're an adult when....

You know that you have reached adulthood when:
New pants are more exciting than a new movie
You enjoy doing laundry
Surviving another day is a major highlight
New furniture is exciting
You do the unpleasant without remark as a matter of habit
You can accept that there are some things you may never achieve
You can take one day at a time
You stop complaining because you are the one who makes things happen in your life
(for men) you love your shoes for their function over their looks
You can accept the fleeting nature of happiness, and take each crisis as it comes

All these things or at least some of these things are signs you are a fully functional adult. I realize there are probably more. I also realize that there are many physically mature people who will never mature mentally.

Wolves

This is my second attempt to put this in a way that.... I can put it safely.
Sometimes you just plain are not safe. Often actually the safety and peace I find is not in real security, but relative security.
So what I'm trying to say isn't totally safe, only relatively.
Now I'm speaking metaphorically, not literally. I don't want to demean anyone in actual danger for their life.
It's like running from a pack of wolves with several others trying to escape. If you are lucky (as I am) you aren't picked off early. Instead one is forced to watch as the wolves begin to tear and rip into the other humans. Granted as we share the danger, we all keep a sense of gallows humor. There is no anger or bad attitude towards the others trying to escape. However since one is not rooting for the others to fail, the empathy can create an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
I don't mean hopeless in the sense of depression or even real or total fear. I mean hopeless in terms of a lack of rational escape. Can you relate?
The detail on which the danger twists is the hunger of the wolves. They hunger for our flesh (again, remember this is a metaphor). So even as one of us watches the other fall, or have a narrow escape there is a very real sense that even though this time it wasn't us, next time who knows?

I wish I could write such things from pure imagination, but this is externally sourced. Of course at the moment identifying the source would be metephorically taunting or feeding the wolves. A smart runner does not do that. Granted in today's world who knows which wolves I speak of. Maybe you know them, or maybe it's entirely coincidental. Perhaps it is only the vanity of the human psyche that draws relationship between others emotions and ourselves. Or perhaps it has to do with the complexity of empathy, or maybe even guilt.

But of course if wolves had a healthy psyche capable of empathy...... well I'm not sure what they would be at that point. Not wolves, that's one certainty. Yet isn't that the great challenge of forgiveness? To forgive that which behaves inhumanly, empathy for the cruel, kindness to the callous and perhaps even hoping that even in the insane and demoralizing there is yet purpose.
---
Yes, I think that will do. Someday I may tell you who the wolves were, and why they hunted me.

I am dissatisfied

For so many reasons, and in so many ways. However as it deals with live humans, it can wait until it resolves, one way or another.

On a less philosophical note

I don't want the reader to get the idea that I sit around sad/reflective/philosophical all the time. It's really not often, which is reflected by my recent lack of posts.

So in a lighter note, this is what I did with Friday night to Sunday night:
I built a custom mod pack for minecraft. The basic idea was to replicate my previous pack (that has been ongoing for the past two months for 1.7.2) but in 1.7.1.

It sounded deceptively simple, but given the time it took me to initialize my old pack named Banshee, I wasn't naive to the challenges. Further this isn't my first attempt to build a 1.7.1 pack. I well and truly love extra utilities (compressed cobble, nuff said) and as well as my memories of Thermal Expansion and the rest of the mods that use that core. So it was worth another weekend to try and make that happen.

For those uninterested in the drama I succeeded, mostly.

The first challenge was gathering the mods. I had most of them hanging around my computer, including some that were cross compatible for 1.7.2 but I hadn't added yet. I have been checking the website for the above mods daily for two months, finally I decided if they weren't going to come to me, I'd come to them.

There were some losses I was ready for. One was losing compact windmills..... it's a surprisingly big loss considering it's only a 4-8 block add on for industrialcraft2. The bigger loss is in world gen. I am yet to find an ideal/dreamy world gen in 1.7.1. That's what got me stuck on 1.7.2 to begin with.

My first attempt to merge started with a fresh install. I dragged EVERY mod into the folder.... before booting. It never booted. My earlier tries had focused on finding an acceptable modpack out there (FTB is especially cool for sources) and tweak it until I had something that could work. My computer, however, can't handle most modpacks unless I build them.

So I installed and booted my new pack before adding any mods. I named it Herman in stark contrast to my previous grand names for projects based on mythic beasts. Herman is after Herman's Hermits which was an obsession of my youth. Also Herman Munster, because I love that show. So that booted, good start. Still had a dud mod, which I had to negotiate with the source over. By negotiate I mean I complained in the comments section that the download wouldn't complete, and left it alone for two hours.

The big hold outs were Modular Force Field System (along with resonant engine) and the entire DragonAPI. Neither ever cooperated.

But around Saturday I had a working pack, until I realized I was missing Waila and the buildcraft suite.... which to their credit integrated successfully. However somehow this addition caused repeated crashes.

At this point I suffered from some problems to do with my memory issues. I forgot that I only had 8 gigs of memory, and I gave up for the night.

The next day I did troubleshooting for lost memory, only to discover after taking the back off that in fact I did have 8 gigs installed. So I had to adapt to the memory I had. Somehow the entire instance corrupted (multiple times ultimately to the point that it wasn't worth repair), so I had to recreate it, a bit leaner. Still problems. I added Optifine and Fastcraft, and finally everything worked (apart from the above holdouts). I plan to enjoy it myself, but I know someday I will find a project that motivates me. Until then, this is a nice hobby.

Stoic: insights into my father

The thought occurred to me today: I have become my dad as he was when I first remembered him.

This isn't a brutal revelation, I'm well aware that I have been slowly becoming a younger version of my father (with a few differences). The big things are easy, and have been there for a long time:
we both are quiet most of the time (me less so)
 both of us have the exact same sense of humor (as did his dad I suspect)
both of us prefer independence and solitude,
both of us work as often as we can(or have at some point).

But the big difference has always been emotion. The family legend goes that my dad was as emotional as I was when he was younger. It is impossible to verify given that the only people I could interview on the subject are either dead or were too self involved at the time to give insight.

His defining characteristic is pragmatism. I swear he is the most pragmatic man not only that I have ever met, but that I have ever heard of. Even so called legends of calm have moments of public anger, sadness or tenderness. My dad doesn't. Which isn't to say he isn't very sweet, it just isn't emotional. I suppose I would describe it as dutiful, but not in a drudgery.

The insight I had is that I have become more and more pragmatic, and it has nothing to do with a lack of feeling. The past year has been defining in the manner of how I handle pain. I box it up, I deal, and I move on. In addition I have been less passionate about what I care about for the last few years. I mean I went from a relative Casanova to Owen from Gargoyles. Owen is actually a good analogy, because I understand the potential to passion still lives in me. The magic is still there. It is far removed from who I am and how I think.

So I've come to the conclusion that it is likely part of the cycle of change and maturity that the last 5 years have been full of.

I don't miss who I was. The passions I had then seem like a drug fueled craze. I think about my former adventures in romance, and I enjoy thinking of them as that. Just it doesn't seem like something I would do. I think of my ex wife, and in a stony nonfeeling way I think about how I felt on top of the world for a few years. It was a high I haven't topped, because my highest highs don't get topped, I just find new thrills. Then I think about what a mistake it was. How I let..... hormones and bad logic trick me into throwing away a free college degree, and buying a really unfortunate car.

I think about.... others. Most of them through a haze of drugged sleep and the buzz that lasted a few years. I even think about the mistaken young obsession that I wasted about 9 solid months and took me three years to clear from my head.

It didn't happen to me, not the me I am now. I've died to myself so many times, I don't even know what I am anymore. It doesn't feel human, humans react.

But it has value, if only that I better understand the passions and drives of the man who raised me.

the pragmatic approach to goals

On my drive home today I was thinking about the correct attitude towards problems.

This has been an item of meditation for several years.

I have heard that success is seeing opportunity where others see disaster, which to my training sounds like sound denial of facts and possible delusion.

Oh, I'm in a sour mood, I'm writing to deal, and I don't want to complain.

So we come back to the idea of problems.

The dictionary definition of problem is:
"a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome."
The original usage was referring to a tough riddle or academic puzzle.

Which says something to my precision, in that if problems were good they would not be problems.

Despite having a morality which very much centers on that complaining or wallowing in issues doesn't solve them, I struggle with feeling sorry for myself.

If only I could do better. Which is the definition of a pointless thought. It does nothing to move matters forward and therefor shouldn't even exist in a logical mind.

Depression and lack of good chemicals likely enter into my current weakness in regards to poor thought patterns.

I think another contributing factor is lack of direction.

Once again I evaluated my path today, and found it unsatisfactory. My goal for a path is one that brings me to contented peace in 5 years or less (sometimes 10 years..... the rewards have to be exponentially higher).

I have brought the brunt of my analytic ability against the net difference between what I think will satisfy me and my ability to acquire the needed resources.

For example, the ideal life goal I had.... which, as I try to explain, is more what I had hoped God would provide yet it seemed he was allowing me free reign to scramble for myself. Anyway, if I took out a loan today for the amount needed it would be 43k a month with a 30 year term. Which would put me at 57 and very very run down and out of resources.
I tried another calculation, in another state, a less ideal set up. 7k a month, which is achievable, but at a 30 year term........ and of course both of these rely on money I haven't seen yet (but kind of think exists).

So I'm going to start from the other end, with my resources and attempt to provide myself with the best I can from that.
I am currently worth 30k a year. I can keep going at my current rate for another 13 years. Assuming I can put back 1k a year and net 6-7k from liquidating my current investments that makes a nest egg of 17k. That's just not going to go very far, with projections of the future value of the dollar being what they are.
Oh and I couldn't even pay off my student debt with that, so forget it.
So, let's just write off this year, because if I break even I will be doing quite well.
Now, let's try another model, the engineering school model:
Negative 8k a year for 3 years, at least.
so that makes another 18k for a minimum total of 36k in debt.
70-90k gross for 9 remaining years (subtract 32k for living expenses yearly) which means a net gain of 30-50k yearly, which means debt free in two years.
7 remaining years at 30k yearly is 210k nest egg.
All the below calculations are just patently wrong because I missed some numbers. The total removed is 90k.
Which we can budget out. Assuming we go for one of the less expensive counties, we can set up homestead for 40k. 100k remaining, remove 30k for first two years food expenses waiting to become independent. 70k remaining.
Property tax is between 200 dollars and 400 a year. Let's assume I live as long as Granddad, so 50 years of property taxes. That comes to a mean 20k. Remember I'm assuming I never make another dollar for the rest of my life, that is my dream of happiness.

120k remaining. Figure whatever with what remains.

Now for the lineman option. I'm only allowing 10 years for this one. 4 years of 38k average. Which comes to 6-7k a year net gain 24k after those years. Which would make me debt free at that point. 65k a year for 6 more years, which nets 33k a year 31k a year after tax. 31 times six 180k nest egg.
which leaves 90k when all is said and done. Two solid plans. Logic wins over emotion every time.